Harvard Is The Problem

On the front page of my newspaper today (May 6, 2010) is an article headlined…

New U.S. Push to Regulate Internet

I read the article twice but did not understand a lot of it. I said to myself, “Self, why do you not understand it? You went to college. You are well read. You are on the verge of publishing your first book. Ernest Hemingway was once on the verge of publishing his first book. What’s wrong with you?” (Note: I talk to myself a lot.)

Then it dawned on me. I could not understand it because it was full of Harvard Speak. This is a language unto itself that only Harvard Graduates (and a few Princeton or Yale Graduates) can understand.

The Folks Back Home (that’s us) are kept in the dark because so many of our leaders are graduates of this prestigious university. We will never be able to comprehend what they are doing to us. As soon as possible we need to make a dramatic shift in the good ole USofA!

We need to stop having so many of these Harvard Graduates in charge of everything. We need to turn over this country to professors from colleges out in the heartland of America. We need people from educational institutions with names like, Willow Valley Community College (Motto: We are here to serve you three days a week.)

Regarding this article here is a comparison of what we have now to what we would have if my somewhat brilliant idea came to pass…

• Harvard Speak … This regulation would see to it that the American People enjoy the benefits of an optimal synchronized transitional time-phase projection shift.
• Willow Valley Speak … We will not allow that to happen because it would not be nice.

Now would that not be better?

Since I am now at the bottom of this Foolishness…Or Is It? I will give you The Bottom Line …

As I have stated above, I can’t figure out what this article is dictating to me but I know for sure that, when all the dust is settled, the folks back home will get to “enjoy” a new Revenue Enhancement (formerly known as a Tax Increase).

Would I kid u?

We Are Being Too Tough On Iran … Or Or We?

For years now we are reading almost every news day about the measures we are taking to make sure that Iran does not obtain Nuclear Weapons. Iran is living in great fear about what we are doing to control their Nuclear Ambitions (if you could get someone to commit to give you a quarter every time you hear or read the words “Iran’s Nuclear Ambitions”, you would become wealthy very quickly).

Dear reader, here is where I need your help. Every since I was a small child I have lacked the ability to rank things in order of severity. Please help me overcome this shortcoming of mine.

Here is what our leaders have been calling the sanctions we are inflicting on this outlaw nation…

• Significant sanctions.
• Meaningful sanctions.
• Binding sanctions.
• Dire sanctions.
• Enhanced sanctions.
• Strong sanctions.
• Unified sanctions.
• Crippling sanctions.
• Economic sanctions.
• Renewed sanctions.
• Severe sanctions.

I will not get into combinations of the above because I don’t want to confuse you, as you try so hard to help me out of my dilemma (i.e.: Strong Binding, Severe Enhanced, Crippling Economic, etc.)

Please take a few moments to rank these sanctions in order of how effective they will be in getting Iran’s Nuclear Ambitions under control. It will probably be easy for you but I find this very difficult.

If any one of you spends two minutes worrying about these sanctions for me, that will be more time spent worrying about them then have the rulers of Iran spent worrying about them.

If you think I am being Foolish again in the above paragraph, don't think so fast. At this time the United Nations is in negotiations with itself about the fourth round of U.N. Economic Sanctions against Iran. What you want to bet that Iran was not aware of the first, second and third rounds of U.N. Economic Sanctions?

Getting back to my request for ranking help, I am sure that the muckity-mucks of our State Department would be able to do this ranking in short order. I would send this request to them but they have ignored other inquiries about equally important issues I have sent them in the past. That’s another thing I don’t understand.

Would I kid u?

We Have Got To Educate Our Wrong Doers

As a society we all share in the responsibility to educate those among us who would do us harm. They work as hard as any of us to ply their “trade”. It is such a shame when we see them struggling, as in this story I recently read about several of my fellow Georgians...

• Five people were into building homemade dynamite-like explosive devices in the basement of their unassuming home.
• Some of their handiwork, like wick-fed seven-inch tubes packed with explosives, nails and screws were specifically constructed to do great bodily harm.
• Four of the entrepreneurs (including a grandmother of 10 and a great-grandmother of 14) were driving around with two of their bad things in their car when police stopped them, searched the vehicle and found their deadly cargo.
• Back at their unassuming home police also found Molotov Cocktails.
• Police stopped them because their vehicle had a suspicious homemade drive-out tag on it.
• They were stopped for an Improper Registration Violation.

Do you see what went wrong in their endeavor? If you are going to carry around such things, DO NOT CALL ATTENTION TO YOUR VEHICLE!

I am days away from publishing my first Foolishness…Or Is It? book. (You will be able to buy it on Amazon.com shortly). I have already been toying with the idea of going right into Volume 2 but I just may have to start directing my mediocre talents toward a Handbook For Evil Doers. One of my first bits of advice will be, Be Very Sneaky.

First a title for my Self-Help Manual…

Dos and Don’ts for Evil Doers
A Step-By-Step Plan of Action for Creating
Maximum Destruction and Mayhem.

Would I kid u?

The Federal Government Is Going Too Far … Again

I found this in my local newspaper on April 29, 2010…

“Seattle ---- The federal government would become the owner of four notorious Seattle-area strip clubs under plea agreements being filed Wednesday.”

The rest of the article is not important. This is the part that should alarm all clear thinking Americans. The Federal Government Is Going Too Far!

The Federal Government has been butting heads lately with the likes of Big Oil, Big Tobacco, Big Hamburger and Big Automobile but now they are going after Big Stripper.

Our government is about to have a vested interest in seeing Strip Clubs prosper because it will own the Strip Clubs. Capitalization will certainly rear its ugly head as our rulers become fixated on making a profit.

Here is what all of this could mean for the future of our struggling Republic...

• Strip Clubs popping up all over the country.
• Instead getting your tax refund in dollars, will we find ourselves receiving vouchers to our neighborhood strip club.
• Our University Systems will start offering degrees in Strip Club Management.
• We will see Public Service Announcements on TV educating us all that Strippers and Strip Club Owners are people too (just like trees and animals).

Would I kid u?

Is This Really Better?

The Boston Tea Party happened on December 16, 1773 because Colonial America was upset with a mere 3% Tax on the importation of tea.

Now I ask you, was that so bad? How about we give in to the Tea Tax in return for removing ourselves from the yoke of the mountain of taxation that has been heaped upon us since December 16, 1773?

I’ll put it another way…

Taxation Without Representation Was Bad!
Is Taxation With Representation Any Better?

I am on a roll here (it does not take a lot to get me rolling). Let’s move beyond the 3% Tea Tax of 2010 to … Let’s bring back King George III. When you get right down to it, he was not that bad when compared to what we have now.

Having George back could have an added benefit because, you may remember, he was rightfully known as Mad King George. This was not a reference to his being angry but mad as in he was crazy.

What we in the colonies could then become (with the help of our army of attorneys) is a Pick and Choose Monarchy. In our collective wisdom we could obey or not obey what George dictates because everyone knows he is insane.

We would be free from Taxation With Representation and move on becoming a Chaotic Republic.

Come to think of it, we already are a Chaotic Republic. Forget what I said above about King George. We don’t need him after all.

Would I kid u?

Democracy In College … Is It Feasible?

I recently saw a news piece on TV where a University in the good ole USofA was in an uproar over the speaker that had been chosen by the University Administration to give this year’s Commencement Address. One of the protestors said something like…

We choose our homecoming king and queen but we are not allowed to choose who speaks to us at our graduation. This seems silly to me.

(Come to think of it, Homecoming Kings and Queens itself sounds like Foolishness to me. Keep reading and you will probably see a future Foolishness…Or Is It? on this momentous issue.)

I ask you, what would we get if the students were allowed to select their Commencement speaker?…

• A Rap Artist named “Po Po Enough”.
• Barney, the longest serving talking and dancing purple dinosaur the world has ever known.
• John Dillinger the deceased killer who would be replaced by a live serial killer named Bruiser McKlintock (provided the Student Body President can arrange a jail break before the Commencement Ceremony).

Ah yes, that would be much better!

Would I kid u?

Get Your Eternal Menu Selections In Before It Is Too Late

Ever since Heaven got computerized, it is now easier than ever to make your Eternal Menu Selections. If you are unaware of your need for making your Eternal Menu Selections, you are going to be so happy that you are reading this Foolishness…Or Is It?!

Your Eternal Menu Selections are what you would like to eat in heaven. If you sign on and make your choices known before you die, here is what heaven will be like for you…

• I chose to eat Cannolis and Very Crisp Bacon.
  o In case you don’t know what a Cannoli is, it is a tubular Italian pastry shell stuffed with a sweetened filling of whipped ricotta and often containing nuts, citron, or bits of chocolate.
• In heaven we will all have a fork in each of our hands.
• On the end of our forks we will have the two foods we most loved to eat on Earth.
• We will spend eternity munching, first on the left fork and then on the right fork.
• As soon as you finish one fork, your chosen food will re-appear again on your just emptied fork.

The cynical among you are saying to yourselves, “Self, this guy is not thinking very straight. Crisp Bacon cannot be punctured by a fork without falling apart”.

My answer, of course, is, “Self, don’t forget where you are. This is heaven and, in heaven, all things are possible”.

To elaborate further, not only will the Very Crisp Bacon be securely punctured but no crumbs will fall on my cloud either from my Bacon or my Cannoli.

You have probably already figured this out, but in case you have not, here is the web site where you must make your selections … http://www.heavenlymunchies.god/.

If you do not make your selections before you die, you are going to spend eternity turning your head back and forth trying to eat off of empty forks and that would be Hell.

Would I kid u?

Lawyer Eenie & Lawyer Minnie

I could not fit Lawyers Minie and Moe into this one but
I do the best I can, and besides,
who said Foolishness was an exact science?

I read in the newspaper where, now that no airplane crashed and burned, it is time for finger pointing.

It seems that the airlines, who were just as afraid to fly as the European Governments were for them to fly (the Governments were responsible for telling them not to fly) are now angry because they were not allowed to fly.

The airlines are saying they lost $1.7 Billion (with a “B”) and they want their money back! An industry group is concerned that European Governments were not justified in shutting down their airspace for so long.

Here come the Lawyers, or should I say, send in the Clowns…

Since no disaster occurred, Lawyer Eenie is standing in court holding his vest with one hand and pointing to the heavens with his other hand and is saying the following bullet points…

• My client (the Airline Industry) has been grossly harmed by the undue caution displayed by the European Governments in this matter.
• Your Honor, it was obvious from the beginning that there was extreme temerity displayed by the European Governments.
• It has never been proven that a volcanic cloud could cause a plane to fall from the sky.
• I ask that this court use its righteous power to make my clients whole against their grievous financial injuries.
• This is a no brainer.

If a disaster has occurred, Lawyer Minnie is standing in court holding his vest with one hand and pointing to the heavens with his other hand and is saying the following bullet points…

• My client (the Airline Industry) has been grossly harmed by the reckless actions of the European Governments in this matter.
• Your Honor, it was obvious from the beginning that there was a Devil May Care attitude displayed by the European Governments.
• Everyone knew that a volcanic cloud could cause a plane to fall from the sky but the European Governments turned a blind eye to that obvious danger and did not use the authority that is within their power to ground all flights to protect them from the engine destroying volcanic clouds.
• As a result of their negligence, humpty ump numbers of plane came crashing to Earth and humpty ump lives were lost.
• I ask that this court use its righteous power to make my clients whole against their grievous financial injuries.
• This is a no brainer.

Would I kid u?

This Is A Pop Quiz

I know I am picky but I believe that words have meaning. At least they ought to mean something.

My local newspaper had an article that made me sit up and pay attention. You probably won’t get as agitated as I did but remember I am picky.

Allow me to set up the Pop Quiz…

• Two years ago a murder was committed.
• In return for the prosecution dropping pursuit of the death penalty, the murderer pleaded guilty to several charges including Carjacking Resulting in Death and Kidnapping.
• The young female college student was shot five times, including once in the head with a 12-gauge shotgun.

The following statement was issued by a concerned party in the case…

“While we deplore the evil and negligence that led to Eve’s death, we agree with the U.S. attorney’s decision to accept the plea agreement”.

Here is the Pop Quiz Question…
What word jumps out at you? You passed the quiz, if you said the jumping word was “negligence”.

Here is the part of any Foolishness…Or Is It? where I say something silly or foolish or make a wise crack. In this case I am just plain speechless.

Would I kid u?

They Will Never Do That! … Or Will They?

Don’t ever say, “They will never do that”. Just by the fact that you made this statement you dramatically increase the chances that they will do the dirty deed. Somehow they know what we are thinking and they use our thought vibrations to formulate their future courses of action.

Want a few examples from the Airline Industry? ...

• They would never stop serving food on their flights.
• They would never charge for checking your baggage.
• They would never charge for carry-on baggage.

The last bullet point above was a set up. If you did not read the same article I read on April 19, 2010, you are unaware that one airline has started charging $45 for Carry-On Baggage. Other airlines are saying that they are not going to follow suit ... Or will they?

The $45 Charge for Carry-On Baggage Airline’s spokesman defends the new charge by saying that the airline is lowering their fares by about the same amount … Or will they?

This pricing head fake (after all, it is NBA Playoff Season) opens up a whole host of opportunities for increased revenue for our Struggling Airline Industry…

• Turnstiles at the head of the gangway that must be fed money before passengers are allowed to board their planes.
  o The airlines will defend this by telling us that we are not required to put money into the turnstiles but, if we don’t, we will have to wait for the next flight.
  o We will be told that on the later flight we will be allowed to jump over the turnstiles for free.
  o If we are not physically able to jump over the turnstiles, we will have to feed in the money. The airlines will say this payment is proper since it is not their fault that you can’t jump high.
• Green Gelatin Desserts sitting on each seat cushion when the boarding passengers arrive at their seats…
  o Passengers will be told by the flight attendants that there is a Green Gelatin Removal Fee that must be paid if they want the green stuff removed before they sit down.
  o It will be explained that they are perfectly free to not pay the fee and sit on their green seat softener which has been placed on their seats courtesy of the airline.
  o If they have a severe aversion to Green, a Blue Gelatin Dessert may be substituted but that will require a Color Substitution Surcharge.
• Wheel Chairs will require a very steep Handicap Inconvenience to the Airline Charge. If the passengers object, there is an alternative that the Airline has gone to great lengths to make available…
  o Passengers may lie on the floor and travelling companions will be allowed roll them to and from and through the terminal for a fee that will be significantly lower than the Handicap Inconvenience to the Airline Charge.
  o The charge for flight attendants to do the rolling will be out of sight and, frankly, the airline does not recommend this to anyone for fear that the passengers may come away from their flying experience with a bad taste in their mouths for the airline.
• Liquid refreshments will be free to passenger, within the following parameters…
  o There will be a Liquid Bottle Cap Removal Charge.
  o Hard Liquor will incur a higher Liquid Bottle Cap Removal Charge than will a Mountain Dew.

Did you really think I was going to finish this here Foolishness…OrIsIt? without bringing in our Once Beloved Federal Government? How silly of you. Talking about Foolishness without having the Federal Government getting involved is against Federal Law.

I did not make this up … It appears that six Senators are proposing legislation that would levy a tax on the airlines each time they charge a fee for Carry-On Baggage.

These guys are sharp! They know that any tax that they enact against any business is never passed on to their customers … Or is it?

Would I kid u?

The Crescendo Has Started Crescendoing

Wanna make a lot of money? Take your entire life savings and invest in Tattoo Removal Parlors.

We are a country (world?) of lemmings. The Tattoo Craze started because some famous person (who may be completely unknown by now) got himself Tattooed. The lemmings among us saw the tattoo, and since we are into Celebrity Worship, they ran out and started getting themselves tattooed too. Once it had started ... It had started. The rest is history.
For several years now we have been trudging through the Age of Tattoos...

• Basketball players that make your eyes hurt just to look at them.
• Already unattractive human bodies out shopping with their unattractive legs sporting unattractive tattoos.
• People who are constantly sweating and under great stress because they have met the love of their lives but are living in horror that the current love of their life will find out that their passing fancy’s name is tattooed somewhere on their sweaty/stressed out bodies.
• Tattoo victims who are walking around wearing clothing designed to show off every single one of their tattoos while being completely oblivious as to what a sagging and faded mess their bodies will be 40 years from now.

The purpose of this Foolishness...Or Is It? is to give the lemmings out there hope that their long nightmare is coming to an end. Since they are followers, they can take comfort in knowing that a Famous Celebrity is reported in today’s newspapers as having decided to start removing his tattoos using very expensive laser treatments.
Here’s where the Tattoo Removal Parlor Investment Plan recommended above comes into play. Now that the Celeb World has given the OK to remove tattoos, there is going to be a stampede of lemmings clamoring to find out where they can get their bodies untattooed.
This is an idea that may turn around our Dire Economic Situation all by itself.
Would I kid u?

Doing Good Things Sometimes Makes You A Bad Guy

The other day my wife asked the bank president at our bank about what happens when a bank goes belly up? This seems to be a daily occurrence in these dire economic circumstances we live in. His answer did not surprise me because I hear about the chain of events he reiterated, which I will list below, all the time on the nightly news…

• The FDIC steps in and arranges for another bank to come in and take over the defunct bank.
• The investors hardly notice that the FDIC and the new bank are going about going about what they do.
• The investors get a letter telling them about the defunctness of their old bank and selling them on how wonderful their new bank is.
• The next time they go to their bank they see that the new bank’s signage has been hung on their old bank.
• The end result is the bank’s customers don’t lose their money.

I am sure there are some exceptions to the above rosy picture but generally this is how it works.

The reason I started pecking out this Foolishness…Or Is It? is I read a news article that tried to paint the Taking Over and Saving Bank in a bad light. It said that banks that save other banks are evil because they end up making money after they have done their good deed. In other words, a good deed cannot be a good deed unless the good deed doer loses money by doing the good deed.

My Foolishness juices are flowing. Here is what I foresee in the way of a set of guidelines for Future Want To Do Good Deeds Banks…

• Banks that want to save other banks must provide documentation that proves conclusively that they will lose money after they have saved the bank they are applying to save.
• In their Application to Save Savers Savings (ASSS) they will be required to specify the exact dollar amount that they will lose.
• From the beginning there will be an explicit understanding that the bank that certifies the largest amount of loss will be the one that will be permitted to save the failed bank.
• If the Saving Bank ends up making money there will be fines levied by our ruling government that will confiscate all monies made and the Falsifying Saving Bank will be levied a penalty that will be equal to 100% of the amount that they certified that they would lose in their ASSS.

I can just hear an intrepid chairman of some congressional committee issuing a statement that goes something like this…
“I am confident that, once the banking industry has fully adsorbed these new Loss Assurance Regulations (LAR), they will be flocking to submit their ASSS’s so that they can lose lots of money”.

That oughta do it … Or will it?

Would I kid u?

MAUC Lament: I Don’t Understand What Happened To Me

Over and over in our world today we see what is about to described in this Foolishess…Or Is It? The sad part is “we” don’t seem to learn from what just happened to “we”.

Here is how it works…

• Modern American Up & Comer (MAUC) gets a good education.
• MAUC lands a good job.
• MAUC appears to have all the money he will ever need.
• MAUC goes about gathering all the things around him that will make him happy forever.
• MAUC see an advertisement for a product or service that will be an integral part of his very well laid out and happy existence.
• MAUC is educated (remember good education in first bullet above) and he knows he can afford to pay $59.95 per month.
• MAUC contracts to pay $59.95 per month.

This scenario is repeated over and over and MAUC is living well with all his products and services all around him and then all of a sudden MAUC goes broke. What happened?

What happened was MAUC contracted for numerous Modern American “Necessities” of Life that he could afford but he could not afford.

Here is how that works…

• This goodie (and many other goodies) only costs an affordable amount of money.
• They only cost this affordable amount of money for a limited period of time.
• After that limited period of time they cost a long-term not affordable amount of money.

Should Not Have Happened: Our acquiring person looks at a commitment and says to himself, “Self, this only cost $59.95. I can afford $59.95”.

Should Have Happened: Our acquiring person looks at a commitment and says to himself, “Self, they can’t trick me. After six months this costs $99.99 … forever. I can’t afford $99.99 … forever”.

If you do this kind of thing over and over you just might find yourself broken one day.

Would I kid u?

If You Can Handle This Foolishness, You Are In Line For A Foolishness Medal

I recently saw a newspaper article about a trial for murder. At this point you are saying to yourself, “Self, so what? There are lots of murder trials going on all the time.”

The “what” is that this is the second trial for murder of the same murderer. Does that sound like double jeopardy to you? Actually this is Second Jeopardy because this was the second trial of this bad person but this time it is for the killing of a second person.

This dastardly person is already serving a Life Sentence for killing someone in 2003. The second dead person is actually the first dead person because this Snidely Whiplash made his first dead person dead in 2002.

It is certainly a fact that this guy is already serving a life sentence. This fact is why things are so confusing …

• Are we afraid that a Life Sentence does not mean a Life Sentence and our murderer is going to be released before his life has run its course?
• The above bullet point is of genuine concern because others serving Life Sentences have been released before they have been done living their lives.
• In researching my facts for this Foolishness…Or Is It?, I read about a convicted murderer serving a life sentence, who had been in solitary confinement for six years, who was now being considered for parole on the basis of his good behavior.
• Has “good behavior” been redefined as, “He did not kill anyone while he was in solitary confinement for six years”.

Here is the It Would Make More Sense To Me part of this Foolishness…Or Is It? …

• We ought to save our tax payer money until such time as this awful person has been given parole, has been given his new cheap suit, has been given his $12 spending money and is on his way out the jailhouse door.
• It is at that point he should be met on the other side of the door by officers of the law who will arrest him, read him his rights and inform him that he is now going to be put on trial for killing another person.
• Why waste the money to try a person for another crime unless and until he has been released from serving his Life Sentence for the crime for which he has already been convicted?

One final question, why would a person who has been given a Life Sentence be allowed to die before he has served out his Life Sentence? There oughta be a law against this.

Would I kid u?

Russians Are Different

Terrorists have blown up a bunch of innocent people (so what’s new?) in Russia. Russian President Medvedev had some harsh words for the bad guys and gals (these two homicide bombers were female). A quote from the article I read is, “telling police forces to use tougher, ‘more cruel’ measures to fight the ‘scum’ responsible for the terrorists attacks”.

In Russia they use words like “cruel measures” and “scum” but in America…

• We would have commissions appointed, congressional hearings and talking head experts on television all desperately trying to come to an understanding as to why the terrorists have such rage in them.
• Could it be our fault that the terrorists want to take such desperate measures to try and communicate with us?
• We must change the way we interact with others before others get mad at us.

I think the Russians should look toward America’s way of handling these situations and stop calling these evil and murderous fellow Russians “scum”. If they persist in this behavior the evil murderous scumbags will get angry and blow something up.

Would I kid u?

The Major Cause Of Automobile Accidents In Atlanta

It happens every day. An Atlanta Automobile Driver is rolling along and singing a song and the driver in front of him does something completely bizarre and unexpected and it confuses and frightens the Singing Atlantan and he drives off the road and hits a tree.

Something ought to be done and, as usual, I am ready to propose a very logical and irrefutable course of action.

Oh yea, I forgot to tell you the cause of the accidens that I am proposing to remedy. It is automatic turn signals on cars. These, once thought of as great safety features that were going to save countless lives, are causing lives to be lost every day of the year.

The problem is that they are used so seldom that, when they are used, they cause panic, knee jerk reactions and fear in drivers who are following the turn signal using car.

My fix is simple...

• I propose that we go back to hand signals for left and right turns.

Hold on a moment. The late Paul Harvey just came into my computer room and told me The Rest of the Story. He told me the real history of Human Arm Signaling through car windows in America. He is right, of course. I had forgotten about the consternation that Hand Signals had caused in their heyday. Some of you who are old enough to have lived through the Arm Signal Era will probably remember its tremendous shortcomings...

• Sometimes an arm sticking out of the driver’s window meant that the driver was a woman and she was drying her nails.
• In modern America this could mean that the nail dryer was either a woman or a man.
• Sometimes an arm was not stuck out at all because it was too cold out there.
• In modern America it might not be stuck out because it was too cold out there or too hot out there or the driver is determined not to be told by a dictatorial society what he should or should not do with his arm.
• Sometimes the female driver may object because that is the hand that is holding her cell phone and at that distance it will be awfully hard to continue her never ending conversation about all sorts of insignificant trivia.

OK, I see the error of my ways. The hand signal is not practical. I am now at a loss as to what to propose to address this problem.

Actually, I must admit I really have lost interest in this issue. You see I drive a Prius and I go so fast that I don’t have time for any kind of signaling.

You, my dear readers, will have to fend for yourselves (whatever that means).

Would I kid u?

The Money Is Rolling In

Each day I am being bombarded by ads on radio and television about how I can save $300 to $500 just by changing Auto Insurance Companies. This got me to “thinking” (I’ve got to stop doing this … I think).

If I can save just by changing, it will take about six to seven changes and I will find myself being paid to insure my car.

This could be a real economic boon to Car-Owning America but it will not be as simple as it now appears once the boon gets to booming. We will most certainly need Federal Intervention…

• We cannot have a situation where too many people pick the same company to be their last company because that is the one that will have to send a check (or an Electronic Funds Transfer).
• If this were to happen, that unlucky company would go out of business very quickly.
• The Federal Government will have to step in and set up a Computerized Rotational Last Company Selection Regulation (CRLCSR).
• This will bring order to a process that might otherwise become very chaotic.

Can’t you just hear one of our Congressmen saying…
“Once again Congress has come to the aid of the Folks Back Home! Without our timely action on this issue, some of our Auto Insurance Companies would have gone out of business very quickly. This legislation will insure that the all go out of business very slowly”.

Now is that not a lot better?

Would I kid u?

Construction of a Shower Stall with a View Toward Preventing Litigation

The health club where I am desperately trying to prevent my heart from attacking me has a brand new shower stall. Because I have a tendency to allow my mind to wander, I find this seemingly mundane plastic cleaning compartment quite interesting.

Here is what my wandering mind has been taking note of…

• The floor of the stall is constructed with a very gentle slope toward the center drain hole. This has been done to ward off law suits due to a person’s slippery foot slipping on the slippery floor if the slope were too sloping and thereby causing the showering person to slip and fall. If this were to happen, there would almost certainly be a lawsuit because the showering person slipped in lawsuit happy America.
• The floor of the stall is constructed without any kind of lip or ledge on the floor where the dirty person steps in to become clean. This has been done to ward off law suits due to the stepping in (or out) person tripping on the way in (or out) thereby causing the dirty (or now clean) person to trip and fall. If this were to happen, there would almost certainly be a lawsuit because the shower person tripped in lawsuit happy America.
• Because the slope is so gentle the water does not drain fast enough.
• What the water does do is build up and overflow out of the shower stall because there is no lip or ledge to prevent it from doing so.
• This results in water flowing out of the stall onto the tiled bathroom floor.
• The water on the tiled bathroom floor is waiting for the slippery clean foot to step onto it which will, any day now, cause a newly cleaned person to slip and fall which will almost certainly result in a lawsuit in lawsuit happy America.

At first I did not understand why that young trial lawyer was sitting outside the bathroom with his business card at the ready. Being sly, cunning and alert, it was not long before I figured it out. He is there waiting for the thud and the moan from inside the bathroom. He is there as a “public servant” to see that we get what’s coming to us (and to make payments on his Mercedes Benz) in lawsuit happy America.

Would I kid u?

Over There, You Are Evil ... Over Here, Okie Dokie

In the Wall Street Journal I read where a corporation is in trouble with the U.S. Justice Department and the U.S. Securities Exchange Commission about paying bribe money to foreign officials in order to do business in Africa, Asia and Eastern Europe.

This investigation has been going on since 2004 but will now be called to a halt because the corporation has agreed to pay $185,000,000 to our government.

I know those people up there in government are smarter than little ole me but does this not seem like they are paying a bribe in order to call a halt to a bribery investigation?

Yea, I know I am wrong ... Or am I?

Would I kid u?

Ever Heard Of A Boomerang Bullet?

Recently I saw an article about a happening in Europe that will most certainly have my dear readers chuckling and saying to their selves, “Self, he made up another one. He is not as good at disguising his made-up foolishness as he once was. He has lost his touch”.

I am going to see if I can make you believe this one anyway…

• In Switzerland an attorney went to court in defense of a 22-pound pike that fought a fisherman for 10 minutes before surrendering.
• The attorney is the only official animal lawyer in Switzerland.
• He became interested in animal rights at the age of 23, when an accident left him unable to speak for 10 days, helping him understand the plight of animals who can't express themselves.
• He wound up with the pike for a client when animal-welfare groups filed a complaint alleging animal cruelty in the fish’s epic battle with an amateur angler.
• He represents the interest of pets, farm animals and wildlife.
• The thinking justifying the need for animal lawyers galore is that: If people accused of mistreating animals can hire lawyers, the victims of such abuse are also entitled to representation.
• Serious animal cruelty is punishable by three years in jail
• Since the 1970s, Swiss animals have enjoyed greater protection than critters anywhere else in the world…
  o Prospective dog owners must take a four-hour course before buying a pet.
  o Social species including birds, fish and yaks must have companionship.
  o Bird cages and aquariums must have at least one opaque side to make the occupants feel safe.
  o The law specifies how to put down a sick fish: with a sharp blow to the head or immersed in water mixed with clove oil dissolved in alcohol.
  o You can't just flush fish down the toilet.
  o Scientists must consider the dignity of plants before embarking on experiments.

There was a referendum on March 7, 2010 that proposed to compel all of Switzerland’s cantons (member states of the federal state of Switzerland) to have an animal lawyer.

If the referendum had passed, animals would have had the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If the animals could not have afforded a lawyer, one would have been appointed at government expense.

The referendum was defeated but, based on my years as being a keen observer of foolishness, this issue will be back. Switzerland may have dodged a bullet this time but this is a Boomerang Bullet … it is turning around even as I peck out this Foolishness…Or Is It?.

Click here, if you have not had enough:
http://goldismoney.info/forums/showthread.php?p=2214783#post2214783

Here comes my Super Duper Foolishness … Or Is It? ...
If this referendum had passed, here is what we would have started to see in the world around us…

• Fishermen would be required to use hooks made out of stiff cardboard.
• Hand guns would be issued to all pets, farm animals, wild animals, fish and, of course, plants.
• Pet owners would be required to sleep in those little doggie houses with their best friends.
• Litter boxes … I’ll leave this one alone.

Would I kid u?