Starbucks is into falling all over itself about things like Exclusion, Discrimination and even Unintended Discrimination (whatever that is). Yesterday they fixed all their problems about all of these issues by closing all their stores, retaining themselves and starting over.
When I awoke this morning the Future of Starbucks appeared before me in as bright a vision as any that Fella has ever had. Sometimes I wish I did not have this ability to see what’s coming. It can be rather frightening.
Here is what I foresee...
Many of their stores, especially in urban areas, are going to become havens for homeless people. Here is what is going to be happening as a result of their dramatic push to become the Good Ole USofA’s New Third Place Between Home and Work. (Don’t laugh at me. These are their words, not mine.)
I see a News Reporter going into a Starbucks Third Place Between Home and Work to check on how that particular store is handling the actual implementation of the Starbucks’ Lofty Vision. The store manager is showing him around and this is what happens...
Ø Reporter: Who is that guy sleeping in the shopping cart that’s blocking that door over there?
Ø Manager: That’s Cedric. He is a regular Non-Paying Customer of ours. He is studying for his Masters Degree in Shopping Cart Living in America.
Ø Reporter: Do you always let him block the door like that?
Ø Manager: Yes we do. He says he likes fact that he is out of the sun in that location and being out of the sun helps his concentration. We try to accommodate the little quirks of all our Non-Paying Customers. We do have another door over there. You probably did not see it because of the bright sunshine on that side of the store.
The Reporter accepts this explanation and moves on...
Ø Reporter: What about that guy under that table over there? Luckily no one is sitting at that particular table. Strangely enough he has his eyes open and is twitching, what’s with him?
Ø Manager: Ah yes, that Igor. He’s in here every day working on how to resolve the Middle-East Situation. He says he does his best when he sleeps with his eye open like that. He has told us, when he is making great progress, he twitches even more than he is twitching at this moment. It is strange how no one ever sits at the table he is sleeping and twitching under.
The Reporter then turns his attention to the line to the Rest Rooms...
Ø Reporter: Even though you do not have a lot of customers, it seems that the line to the Rest Rooms never gets shorter. What’s the problem?
Ø Manager: Yes I know it is a little slow moving but that’s because we can only use one of our two Rest Rooms. Sarah has set up her office in the other Rest Room. She hardly ever comes out. We don’t know what she is working on but we have every confidence whatever it is it is important and will benefit us all.
The Reporter looks confused but he moves on by asking, “How’s business?”
The Manager responds that it has not been good for quite awhile and confides that Starbucks will be closing this location next week because, even though they have a steady flow of Non-Paying Customers, they have noticed that the Paying Customers are few and far between but, for some unknown reason, they are going to the Dunkin Donuts across the street.
The Manager finishes up the interview by saying how sad it will be to close his store but he has been reassured by Starbucks Upper Management as to how proud they are of him and all of his efforts to establish his store as one of America’s New Third Places Between Home And Work.
Would I kid u?
Smartfella
