I think I do remember when The Dire Pandemic did not exist but I’m not sure. I think there is a fairly good chance you think you do remember but you also are not sure.
Be that as it may (whatever that means) I am going to attempt to take you back into my Pre-Pandemic Fuzzy Recollections...
I think I can remember sitting in church and listening to my fellow Catholics Coughing. I had always thought Catholics coughed a lot. I think I remember thinking to myself, “Wow! It never stops! It’s like one continuous cough but it’s not. It is actually a continuous string of separate individual coughs. By golly, it’s a Cacophony of Catholic Coughing!”
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Sometime around March of 2020 going to Church was declared unlawful. We are now being told that it is not as unlawful as it once was so we have been trickling back and starting to get our knees back in shape. It is strange how your knees will get out of shape if they are not used.
We Catholics are very interested in where we are going to spend eternity. We are fearful that, if we do not go to Mass Every Sunday, we will slide way past the end of God’s Slippery Slope and end up very Unhappy Ever After.
During this Dire Pandemic we have been officially relieved of our Sunday Mass Attendance Requirement. It is amazing how powerful our Rulers are. They remind me of that Italian Security Guard who worked at the Audubon Park Zoo when I was young. At closing time he would walk around shouting over and over, “Everybody get outa!”
He had to shout his instruction many times before we trickled out but our Rulers have such control over us they only had to tell us to Stay Outa Church one time and we obeyed.
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Let’s get back to the Cacophony of Catholic Coughing...
Upon my recent return to Sunday Mass the thing that struck me about the Cacophony of Catholic Coughing was it was gone. Said another way, the thing that struck my ear was nothing. It was quiet as a Church Mouse in there.
Where did all the coughs go? We all are now afraid to cough. Why are we afraid to cough?
Ø Are we afraid that our fellow worshippers will start Staring at us?
Ø Are we afraid that our fellow worshippers will start Shouting at us?
Ø Are we afraid that our fellow worshippers will start Stoning us?
I don’t think they will start stoning us because I am pretty sure stoning is now against the rules. Just to sure our Pastor had all the stones removed from the parking lot long ago. There are some pebbles laying around out there but even Catholic Pebbles won’t do you much harm.
Fella will now present you with the Fella Question of the Day...
What Happened To All The Coughing?
Ø Were the coughs never necessary in the first place?
Ø Is there still a need to cough but we are stifling them?
Ø Is it even possible to stifle a cough?
Ø Do you just try real hard to think about something else until you forget about the urge/need to cough?
Ø Can you swallow a cough?
Ø If you do swallow a cough, how many can you swallow before you are full up and bad things start to happen to your insides?
Ø At some point will swallowing coughs begin to hurt?
Ø Last but certainly not least, can swallowing coughs kill you?
Some of you already know from a prior communication of mine that I am not only a Practicing Catholic but I continue to struggle with an failing of mine where my mind wanders and have admitted to being a Wandering Catholic because I have trouble paying attention during the Homily.
In the future my Wandering Mind is going to have a really hard time paying attention because by putting together this Blog Posting I committed the above Bullet Points to memory. You can bet I am going to be thinking about these perplexing Bullet Points during future masses.
I am going to be praying for clarification but I am not hopeful God is going to be paying me no never mind because He is going to be busy handling other more worthwhile petitions that are certain to be pouring forth from my Dire Pandemic Plagued Non-Coughing Fellow Parishioners.
Would I kid u?
Smartfella
Lagniappe: When we were younger the priests would deliver Sermons at us. One day we started hearing the word Homily used and the word Sermon disappeared and we became Confused Practicing Catholics. Eventually we were told that we Catholics did not like to have Sermons deliver at us because we felt when Sermons were being delivered at us we were being talked down to. Some of us still persisted about the word Homily because we still did not know what a Homily was. In Perfect Catholic Clarity we were told that a Homily was a Sermon and, strangely enough, Catholics everywhere felt better.
