Da Computer Knows All
We’ve all been there…
- We need help from, yourcallisimportanttous.com.
- We make a phone call to yourcallisimportanttous.com knowing we are about to be subjected to Computer Confusion.
- The smart computer we are connected with is really smart and knows all about us.
- We
hear things like...
>Hello, Fella, I see you are calling from a phone in your profile.
>You called about your Camouflaged Goulashes last Thursday. Is that the same product you are calling about today?
>How is your dog Ruffles doing since he had to be rushed to the Veterinarian after he swallowed those 11 Legos? - The smart computer asks us questions in order to direct us to the representative best suited to help us.
- As the smart computer prompts us feed it information like...Our Customer Number, Our Account Number, Our Name, Our Mother’s Maiden Name, What Our Mother’s Maiden Name Would Have Been If She Had Married That Sleazy Guy She Dated In High School, Our Address (If we leave out Our Zip Code, we are reprimanded and told to always include the Zip Code).
- We
are then put on
holdignore for an extended period and subjected to the worst music we have ever heard. - We hold the receiver away from our ear and wait for Mujibar to come on the line eager to prove that Our Call Is Really Important To Them.
Now Mujibar is helping us but the Awful continues…
- He starts talking very quickly in a low tone so you can’t understand anything he is saying.
- He sounds offended if you ask him to speak up.
- He sounds offended if you ask him to repeat anything he says.
- No matter what you tell him your problem is, he says, “I can certainly help you with that today”.
- He then asks you questions which prove he did not understand what you said your problem was even though he just said, “I can certainly help you with that today”.
- Then he starts asking you for all the Identification and Security Information you already fed to the smart computer.
- When asked for your name you say…“My name is Fella”.
- Mujibar asks…“Is that first letter a Q or a Y?”
- You say…“No it’s an F”.
- He says…“Did you say P as in Paul?”
- You respond, “It’s an F as in F”.
- Then you have to go through each letter of your name using the Phonetic Alphabet.
- At some point you begin to wonder if you are Lou Costello and you are being persecuted by Bud Abbott.
- You begin picturing Mujibar sitting at his console laughing at you while he drinks a series of pink refreshments with little umbrellas in them.
- On every call you are certain to be switched to another representatives named Mujibar.
- The new Mujibar makes you repeat all of the above verifications again because none of what you told the smart computer or the first Mujibar is available to the Second Mujibar on his computer screen (It could be that he forgot to switch out of his Solitaire Game).
- My sources tell me that these Mujibars live in constant fear of losing their jobs and/or having their first born taken away from them if the callers are not switched at least twice on each call.
- After you give the Mujibars all of the verification information, you come to realize that all the Mujibars you have been talking to are actually computers and, worst of all, your current Mujibar tells you that yourcallisimportanttous.com is closed at this time and you have to call back during Normal Business Hours.
- You hang up the phone wondering why the Mujibars had not told you at the beginning of the call that yourcallisimportanttous.com was closed before it asked you all those Verification Questions.
- It’s sort of like, in the interest of full disclosure, transparency or just to be mean the computer has been programmed to not tell you yourcallisimportanttous.com is closed unless (for your own protection) it Knows You Know Who You Are.
Don’t you hunger for the old days when you called the Mom and Pop Widgets Company and Mom answered the phone and you asked if they had Camouflaged Widgets in stock and she immediately came back at you saying, "Yes we do. We have 27 but only 5 are in your size"?
Would I kid u?
Smartfella
