I've Been Busy!

 Where Have I Been?

I know (hope?) all my Dear Readers have been wondering where I've been. I’ve Been Busy! My last Blog Posting was April 9^th. That is by far the longest length of time between Blog Postings!

Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore you about what I have been busy doing because you really don’t want to know. You have better things to do.

Oh well, that’s enough of my groveling around. I’ve got to get to work (blogging that is). I keep a list of Possible Blog Ideas. At present that list has 98 ideas in it. Are you as excited as I am about starting to work on that list? I hope you are. If you are not excited, don’t tell me.

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If you are like me, you spend a lot of time shouting at your TV. Yes, I know it is waste of time and energy, but I can’t help myself. The people who put stuff into my TV for me to look at (and shout at) are Just Plain Dumb.

This Blog Posting is going to have to be carefully worded because it is going to use words that will cause some of my Dear Readers to shout at what I have to say. Those words are Men and Women.

I told you this was going to be controversial. I have not even said what I’m going to say and 12 of My Dear Readers just shouted, How Dare You!

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Mostly I am agitated about TV Commercials. They are not realistic. For example, Men and Women have always been everywhere (they are us) but, for some unknown reason, men have disappeared from commercials and that is Just Plain Dumb!

Example #1: A young woman goes to Home Depot and buys what she needs to fix up her beautiful home. She then goes home and single handedly fixes up her beautiful home. In the last scene she is on the couch hugging her 2 beautiful children. I have a very logical question. Why is there is no man in this commercial? 327 of you just shouted at me, “How dare you, fella! Are you saying that a woman is not capable of fixing up her own home? Are you saying that she needs a man to do all the fix up work?” I hope you have stopped shouting at me because I have a question I want to ask of you…

Fella’s Question: Where did the 2 Beautiful Children come from? (Fella calls them Magic Children.)

Example #2: What’s that in background?

A young woman is seen sitting in her easy chair smiling and happily working on her iPad. We are told that she is managing her Financial Situation. It is a Financial Situation that pleases her and she is confident that it will continue to please her until she retires. Her 2 beautiful children come into the picture. It is evident that this is a happy home. At the end of the commercial a small male figure is seen in the top left of the screen doing the dishes…

Fella Comment: We are left with the impression that the small male dishwashing figure in the top left background is also happy and secure of his financial future because his confident, capable and beautiful young woman wife is also managing his Financial Situation for him.

Example #3: This will be quick. In commercials, why is it that by far the woman is the driver of the car?

For this one, Fella will not ask a Question nor make a Comment. He just asks you to think about it.

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Are you shouting at my Blog Posting? Are you upset and do you think I am saying that women are not capable, or they cannot be successful in the world of business. That’s not what I am saying. I am only saying that the Women Do Everything Broad Brush is Way Too Broad. There are still men out there, they just are not allowed into commercials. Why is that?

From 1954 to 1960 there was a TV Show entitled Father Knows Best. Fella wonders if a TV Show named Father Knows Best would even be allowed on the air today? Fella does not wonder long because he knows the answer.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe…For those of you who are mad at me, I offer the link below. It is just plain old-fashioned fun. After you have watched it, you just might forget why you were mad at me. (Yea, those not mad at me can also watch it.)

At the end of the link is a clip of Elvis singing. Watch him if you want but the kid and his rope is the old-fashioned fun part. Click here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GV0yZoPTLqQ

That’s Progress! ... Or is it?

 

LGBTQIA+ has evolved….

Now we have from Canada: MMIWG2SLGBTQQIA+

That’s Progress! … Or is it?

I did not make up MMIWG2SLGBTQQIA+.

Google It!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella 

He Walked Away Mumbling

 

I just heard a Talking Head on TV say to a Member of our Congress, “This chaos at airports all over the Good Ole USofA because of lack of TSA Funding is an awful situation and Congress needs to come up with a solution!”

The Member of our Congress immediately got a very confused look on his face and turned and started to walk away pulling out his Smartphone as he mumbled, “Solution. What does that mean? Google, please define the word ‘solution’.”

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

 

This Just Might Be My Last Blog Posting About Our National Obsession With Smart Phones

 

Did I just hear you say to yourself, “Why is this the last one”? 

It’s simple. There is nothing else to be said because this cartoonist has captured the full essence of our Obsessive Silliness…

Do you think that deep down the Late Steve Jobs is thinking that he made a mistake & maybe he should have spent his time inventing the next iteration of Jiffy Pop?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(72)

Another Of My Grandchildren Is Getting Married But I Got A Problem

The wedding is going to take place a long way away from where we live. It is going to require an airplane flight to get to the wedding.

The wedding is scheduled for March of next year. Because of the chaos the Good Ole USofA is experiencing at this time with TSA I thought I would take no chances and make my plane reservations today. 

I made the call and that’s when I found out I really had problems…

The airline’s computer told me I could not be guaranteed a seat next March if I didn’t get to the airport and get in line in the next 45 minutes.

OK, I exaggerated…Or did I?

Would I kid u? 

Smartfella 

Lagniappe: The computer just called me back and apologized. It said in an abundance of caution it had overreacted when it told me I had to be there within 45 minutes and I will be OK if I get there within two hours.

  

I Know Many of My Dear Readers Don’t Give a Hoot About the National Basketball Association but I Do...Or do I?

I am tired of watching a player getting brushed by an opposing player on his collarbone and seeing the brushed player fall to the floor holding his eye as if he is trying desperately to keep his eyeball from coming out of its eye socket.

That’s bad enough but it gets even worse when the referee sees what had occurred and he falls for the player falling to the floor in imitation pain and he blows his whistle while thinking to himself, “Oh my gosh! At first it looked to me as if the brushed player has received an Insignificant Collarbone Brush That Actually Did Not Make Contact With His Collarbone, but I must be wrong, because he fell to the ground in Significant Imitation Agony so this must certainly have been a serious hit because he is screaming that he has been seriously hit.”

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Every time I turn around (and sometimes when I don’t turn around) I hear the announcers saying, “It looks like they (the referees) are going to take a look at this one”.

Some of us think games are too long (I certainly do), and this is the major reason why they are too long...

Ø The games are repeatedly stopped to, “take a look at this one”.

Ø the referees go to the Official Official’s Table on the sidelines to, “take a look at this one”.

Ø A TV Monitor is turned around so they can, “take a look at this one”.

Ø All 3 of the referees’ stare at the monitor for a long time because they are looking at whatever they are looking at from 27 different angles.

Ø Fans go to sleep, announcers go to the rest room, fans at home start shouting at their TVs and monks in abbeys start praying for football season to start.

Ø The players who were on a hot streak cool off.

Ø The players who were getting the puntuck (I made that up) kicked out of them recover and they go on a hot streak if ever the game starts again because the players who were on a hot streak have cooled off.

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The most Stupid of Stupid’s is when we hear the announcer saying, “He thinks he was fouled!?” 

Fella says, “He thinks he was fouled?! Huh? They think they are fouled whenever an opposing player gets within 2 feet of them.”

If all the players were given whistles and allowed to call fouls when they thought they were fouled, the games would last days instead of hours because the clock would never run for more than 5 seconds before a player would blow his whistle and play would stop so the referees could go to the Official Official’s Table to, “take a look at this one”.

Michael Jordan would never have been the great player he was because he always played with his tongue sticking out of his mouth when he was about to make another one of his jaw-dropping miracle shots. It would have thrown His Greatness off his game if he had a whistle in his mouth and he had to keep his tongue in his mouth behind his whistle. It would have put a hitch in his get along and he would have ended up being called “His Average” instead of “His Greatness”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I am going to start this Blog Posting over from the very beginning and this time I will not get carried away and exaggerate…Or am I going to?

 

Training Your Employees To Be Trained Employees

I like fried chicken. I have a used-to-be-favorite fried chicken fast food chain where the fried chicken isn’t as good as it used to be. Every so often, I go back to see if they have remembered how they used to fry good tasting fried chicken. So far, they have not remembered but I keep hoping.

As I walked up to my used-to-be-favorite fried chicken store, I saw the manager outside picking up cigarette butts. I’ve seen him picking cigarette butts up before and long ago I figured out he’s outside picking up butts because he’s afraid to go inside because of what his chicken sellers might be doing that he can’t bear to watch them doing.

In times past he has been very open with me about his never-ending battle to train his chicken sellers to know what the heck they are doing. He once told me about an interaction he overheard between a chicken customer and one of his chicken sellers who, up to that point, he thought was one of his best chicken sellers…

• The customer had rung up a tab of $17.80.
• The register’s computer was not working, and his chicken seller was baffled about how much change to give to the customer who was anxious to get to eating his chicken because it was getting cold.
• His chicken seller said to his customer, “I can’t give you your change because the register’s computer is down and it will not tell me how much change to give you”.
• The hungry customer said, “Give me $2.20”.
• The chicken seller looked flabbergasted and said to the hungry customer, “You did that in your head?!”

I then went into the store to get my almost free chicken. First, I got to tell you why my chicken was almost free. If a customer takes the chain’s satisfaction survey online, they get a code that allows them to get 2 pieces of chicken and a biscuit if they buy a big soda (the soda is the almost free part).

I showed the chicken seller my sales slip with my code written on it. (Some parts of my Blog Postings are made up but this part is not made up.) The chicken seller looked at the coded sales slip and said, “What’s that?”

At that moment I had full appreciation of the manager’s battle to train his employees.

Oh yea, the part about the $2.20 change in the head calculation was also not made up, although it did not happen in a chicken store.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: If you have not bought one or two of my books lately and you want to buy one or two or you have a friend or enemy you want to buy one or two for, go to https://www.amazon.com/Foolishness-Alexander-J-Ortolano-ebook/dp/B00AJ3IYI8/ref=sr_1_1? and buy one or two.

 

Father Used to Know Better

Father used to be the Family Hero.

There once was a popular TV Show (1954-1960) named "Father Knows Best". That was a different time. No one got upset that the show was named “Father Knows Best”. Were Fathers different back in 1954-1960? I think not. The Good Ole USofA was different back in 1954-1960.

The show followed the lives of the Andersons, a middle-class family in the fictional town of Springfield. It centered on Jim Anderson, a wise and caring father played by Robert Young, and his common-sense wife Margaret Anderson, portrayed by Jane Wyatt.

(Fella to Fella, be careful about what you are about to peck out.)

You might remember Fella is The Noticer. For example, since 1960 the Father has literally taken the Proverbial Back Seat in many things. Recently there was a car commercial that proved my point. You probably saw the commercial, but you did not Notice what I Noticed…

• The commercial starts when a family of 7 arrives by plane at any airport.
• They rented a big SUV sized car.
• As the happy family drives away from the airport the Mother is the driver.
• One child is in the passenger seat.
• Three children are in the middle seats.
• In the Way Back Seat sits the Father and the smallest child.

In 1954 to 1960 the Father would have been the driver, but that was then, and this is now. Fathers don’t drive the family vehicle near as much now as they did back then.

Back then the Father would have proudly loaded up his happy family and drove them to their happy vacation. Now he cowers way back in the Way Back.

That’s progress…Or is it?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: It could have been worse. The commercial could have had this dialog:

• We should have brought Father.
• We did bring him.
• Where is he?
• He's in the Way Back way back in the back somewhere.

Don’t Blame Forrest Gump

Did you just say, “What did Forrest Gump say? How soon we forget. I’ll jog your memory. Forrest Gump said, “Stupid Is as Stupid Does”.

Did you just say, you are not going to be swayed by someone who did not exist and Forrest Gump did not exist?

You may have a point there but what if I gave you another well-known used to be familiar character who did not exist to lend support to Forrest for what Forrest said? Would you be swayed by reading quotes from two Never-Was-Characters and thereby convince you to change your mind?

Allow me to dredge up Pogo to remind you of who our real enemy is. You know you can trust Pogo…Or do you?

Pogo said, “We Have Met the Enemy and He Is Us”

Did you just say, “What was a Pogo?” OK, but this is the last time I will let you distract me. I will answer you this one last time and then I will have to move onto explaining who the real enemy is.

Pogo was a Cartoon Character. He was an Anthropomorphic (ascribing human form or attributes to a being or thing not human) Opossum. (if “Opossum” is spelled with an “O”, why don’t we say the “O”?)

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This is the longest I have ever blogged without getting into the actual Blog Posting but here I go…

• Is it smart to tell your enemy what your weaknesses are?
• You don’t have to be real smart to say, “No, you don’t do that!”
• In the last few days our News Media has repeatedly been discussing on TV the fact that the Good Ole USofA may be about to run munitions (bullets, bombs, missiles, drones, etc.).
• Is telling our enemy what our weaknesses are a smart thing to do?
• Fella thinks not!
• Wait a minute. I may be jumping to unnecessary conclusions.
• This would only be a problem if the enemy had TVs and we all know that our enemy does not have TVs…Or do they not?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Smudges Are Everywhere

Have you noticed how many times you go to something on your handheld devices that looks interesting, but once you get there, you find that you can’t see much of anything because there are smudges all over everything of interest?

There was a video recently of a high school student who had pulled a knife in school and was causing chaos but all you could see was the chaos…

• There was shouting like, “He got a knife!” repeatedly.
• The were people running around very fast.
• I am not sure if there were people running around or not because all I could see was Smudges sliding around very fast.
• I say Sliding Around because I could not see the smudged people’s feet because these were Complete Smudges which means the feet of the Smudges were smudged also.
• I may be wrong in what I said in the above bullet because I’m not entirely sure if Smudges have feet.
• Did I say there was Chaos?
• Did I say there was repeated shouting, “He got a knife!”?
• Yes, I know I did but I’m saying it again because the chaos is still with me.

What I did not get from the video was anything concrete like…

• Did he stab anyone?
• Did he get away?
• Were they not able to identify him at all because he was smudged and he was completely obscured?
• Did he simply go back to his seat and sit down and read one of those long apologies that he got from the Internet’s Apologies R Us Web Site that all those Hollywood Stars use so often?
• Did he die because of Smudge Suffocation?
• Did his parents sue everyone in the video for chasing him all around and getting him all upset.
• Did his parents sue everyone in the video contending their son was not responsible for all of the bad things he did because he suffered from bad parenting?

All this confusion reminds me of the baby abduction I saw several years ago that was recorded by street security cameras…

• A mother was walking down the street with a baby in her arms and her other two small walking children.
• A bad guy ran up and took the baby from her and started running up the street.
• The two walking children started chasing the bad guy up the street.
• The security cameras recorded the bad guy with baby in his arms and the two walking (now running) children in hot pursuit.
• Are you thinking, this is great because the bad guy was going to be easy to identify because he was being recorded as he ran...Or was he?
• The TV Station smudged out the bad guy’s running face!

Was the TV Station afraid that it was going to be sued by the bad guy? ... That could not be! ... Or could that not be?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Is It, A Republic, If You Can Keep It! … Or Is It, A Toothbrush, If You Can Keep It?

Upon exiting the Constitutional Convention Benjamin Franklin was approached by a group of citizens asking what sort of government the delegates had created. His answer was: "A republic, if you can keep it."

I just bought a high-powered toothbrush that is so wonderful the manufacturer of the toothbrush felt obligated to charge me a lot of money.

As is usually the case, the toothbrush comes with an Owner’s Manual. Because someone back in times past invented lawyers, the Owner’s Manual starts off with page after page of Threats (If you don’t read and abide by these threats, you could be seriously injured or seriously die) and Warnings (A bunch of warnings about everything you can imagine and a bunch you could never have imagined) ...

The Warnings… There are 12 Warnings. I will not list all 12 but I must admit that I am a bit baffled by number 11… “The maximum altitude of use is 4500 meters”.

The Medical Warnings… There are 5 Medical Warnings. I found number 4 very interesting… “If you have medical concerns, consult your doctor before you use this appliance”. Medical Concerns? What could possibly medically concern you about a toothbrush?

The Battery Safety Instructions… There are 13 Battery Safety Instructions. I started to not even look at these, but by now I had become a bit unnerved and confused, so I looked. I wish I had not looked. I saw things like…

>Do not place this product or its battery in a microwave oven (I ask you, who is going to take the battery out of their toothbrush and put it into a microwave oven?

>Keep product and battery away from fire (No kidding!)

>Do not expose the battery to direct sunlight (This greatly disappointed me because I had been so looking forward to brushing my teeth outdoors).

I was compelled to analyze the above bullet point in more depth because this one is Foolishness of The Highest Order…
     >To expose the battery to direct sunlight it must be removed from the toothbrush.
     >Getting the battery out of the toothbrush is a herculean task.
     >The Owner’s Manual has 2 pages of instructions explaining how to remove the battery.
     >The removal instructions are laid out into 17 separate paragraphs.
     >To remove the battery, one needs a towel or cloth, a hammer, and a flat-head screw driver.
     >At one point you are told, “Hold the top of the handle with one hand and strike the handle housing 0.5 inches above the handle end. Strike firmly with a hammer on all 4 sides to eject the end cap. Note: You may have to hit on the end several times to break the internal snap connections.”

    You should understand that your toothbrush is now broken and will never work again. Which make one wonder why you went to all this effort to expose your battery to direct sunlight…Or will you wonder?

Wow! The lawyers who had assembled this Owner’s Manual must have been afraid of their collective own shadows!

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This next one got my Foolishness…Or Is It? juices flowing and inspired me to write this Blog Posting…

Changes or modifications not expressly approved by us could void the user’s authority to operate the equipment.

What the heck does this mean?

Could they really void my authority to use my own very expensive toothbrush?!

This causes my now completely confused mind to wonder…

• I thought because I had paid for my toothbrush I not only had the right to use it, but I also had the right to keep it if I wanted to keep it.
• Does this mean they have a right to come into my house and take my toothbrush away from me?
• How would they know I did what I was not allowed to do, especially since they have now confused me to the point that I can’t figure out what it is that I’m not allowed to do?
• If I am in mid-brush, when they break down my door, will I be allowed to finish my brush?
• This makes me think I really ought to only use my toothbrush outdoors, at least that would save me the expense of having to replace my broken-down door.
• Is it possible that all these words I don’t understand add up to a Preemptive Breaking and Entering Search and Seizure Authorization?

I wish Benjamin Franklin was not dead. I’m beginning to feel that he’s the only one I can trust.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Who Said Health Clubs Do Not Do Foolish Things?

I did not have my Potted Plant Outfit on this trip to my health club. If I had had it, I could have pecked out a Blog Posting in minute detail about how Nestor (the club’s small jobs employee associate) messed up this small job. Instead, I will make up what must have happened. Fear not I can make up happenings where I was not present that are so accurate it’s as if I were present.

Ø Nestor's Supervisor said to Nestor, “Nestor, go to shower #4 and attach this stick-on hook to the wall right outside the shower so members can have their towel waiting for them to use when they finish their shower”.

Ø Nestor said to Nestor's Supervisor, “Sometimes I think you go out of your way to give me all the hard jobs!”

Ø Nestor's Supervisor said to Nestor, “You are right there, Nestor, you have special skills and we try to make use of those skills as often as possible. Please hurry there might be a member looking for a place to hang his towel as we speak.”

Fella says to his Dear Readers, I leave it up to you to decide. Did Nestor do a good job...Or did he not?

Would I kid u?
Smartfella

Lagniappe: Can you believe that the manager of my health club turned me down when I recommended this name change for his club? … Staying Healthy Is Enough To Kill You. 😊

Holiday Bargain

On Martin Luther King Day my wife and I walked into a local Chinese Buffet restaurant that we had walked into many times before. We thought we knew the price we were going to have to pay for lunch but that day the price was a shock to us.

The first thing we saw was a large handwritten sign next to the podium that the Little Asian Lady who would show us to our seats usually hides behind because she is a Small Asian Lady. 

As soon as I saw the handwritten sign I looked toward the hiding podium, but I could not see the Little Asian Lady because she was really hiding behind the hiding podium today.

I don't think I would have been surprised to find out Asians had respect for Martin Luther King but the degree of their respect for him was a surprise to me.

They had so much respect for Martin Luther King that they had raised their price by $8.00 above their usual price to a whopping $21.00!

It was at this point that the Little Asian Lady stuck her head around the side of the hiding podium, and she said one single word, "Holiday".

Maybe my problem is I don't understand Asian Customs and Traditions. Maybe in Asia it is a sign of Respect to charge more money if you are selling something to a person you respect. 

That's it! Maybe they were charging me more because they respected me and it just happens to be a Holiday.

What do I know, in Asia it might even be an insult to charge someone you respect the usual common ordinary low price.

That must be it...Or is it?

On the other hand, if this is the case, why does the Little Asian Lady feel compelled to hide behind the Hiding Podium while she says, "Holiday" to me?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

What If Fella Had Not Made It Back from Vietnam?

November 12, 1965, was the closest I came to being killed in Vietnam.

If I had been killed on November 12, 1965, most of my family members would never have been born and those who were born would have had their lives dramatically changed. 

Here are those who would not have been born (as of this point in time): a son, another son, a granddaughter, a grandson, another grandson, another granddaughter, another granddaughter, another granddaughter, another grandson, another grandson, another grandson, another granddaughter, another grandson, a great grandson and a great granddaughter.

Did the above paragraph confuse you? Well get ready, you ain’t seen nothing yet because Fella is about to really confuse you (and him).

My first daughter was already born but without me going to work for American Motors who sent me to live in Michigan, who knows where my wife and my first two children would have lived. Probably not in Michigan. My first daughter met her never-would-have-met-him-husband because one summer she went to work on Mackinac Island in Michigan because we had lived in Michigan because American Motors had sent me to live in Michigan and she had learned there was an island way up high in Michigan named Mackinac Island while we lived in Michigan. She met her future husband because she saw him working in the window of a Fudge Shop on Mackinac Island. Had she not been on Mackinac Island to meet him, my grandchildren from that marriage, a granddaughter, a grandson and another grandson would not have been born.

My second daughter  would have been born but would never have met her never-met-him-husband because she might have been in Arizona where she was born or in Florida where her grandparents moved after I was killed (my wife was living with her parents while I was in Vietnam), therefore, my daughter would never have met her never-met-him-husband who was living in Georgia watching football games while my daughter might have been living these or other places. This all means a granddaughter, another granddaughter, another granddaughter, a great grandson and a great granddaughter would never have been born (as of this point in time). 

My son who never-was-born never met and married his never-could-have-been-his-wife because he was never born. This means a grandson, another grandson and another grandson would never have been born.

My other son who never-was-born never met and married his never-could-have-been-his-wife because he was never born. This means a granddaughter and a grandson would never have been born.

I’m sure you can now see (or am I certain) this all means a never-could-have-been-my-son-in-law, a never-could-have-been-my-daughter-in-law and another never-could-have-been-my-daughter-in-law would all be wandering around looking for their never-could-have-met-them-mates. 

One of my never-was-born-grandsons married my never-could-have-met-her-daughter-in-law, but, since he was never born, that never-could-have-met-her-daughter-in-law would be wandering around looking for my never-was-born-grandson.

Repeat the above paragraph for another never-was-born-grandson.

One of my never-was-granddaughters is engaged to a never-going-to-be-my-grandson-in-law, so my never-going-to-be-my-grandson-in-law would be wandering around looking for my never-was-born-granddaughter. 

Repeat the above paragraph for another of my never-was-born-granddaughters who has a boyfriend who is never going to be my grand-boyfriend-in-law. 

I told you I was going to confuse you.

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If Vietnam Veterans meet up, they are very likely to say, “Welcome home, brother”.

I’m different because I say, “I’m glad you made it back”.

This Blog Posting also has me very confused, however, I’m certainly not confused when I say I’m certain all of the people described in this Confusing Foolishness ought to say to me, “I’m glad you made it back”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: This is the longest time between Blog Posting on record. The reason be apparent to you now that you have tried to read your way through this Blog Posting. I have been trying to figure out what I have been trying to say.