In the future President George W. Bush will make a major speech about Iraq. In advance, I am going to summarize the six parts of the speech plus his response to a single reporter's question he answered as he was leaving the Press Briefing Room.
1st Major Point Made By Our President:
There have been elections held in every city in Iraq to elect a Mayor and a City Council. Without exception, every citizen in every city voted in these elections. In every city there was jubilation and dancing in the streets as the Mayors and City Council Members were sworn into office.
2nd Major Point Made By Our President:
The new Iraqi President has been in office for two months and is proving to be enormously popular with the Iraqi people. In his election he received 100% of the vote. Every citizen of Iraq voted. Jimmy Carter was at every polling place in Iraq simultaneously and has testified to the absolute honestly of the voting. The Iraqi President is so popular that every time he is seen in public a minimum of ten Iraqi women have fainted after being overcome with sheer joy.
3rd Major Point Made By Our President:
All electric power has been restored to every inch of Iraq. The water purification system has been tested by Ralph Nader and declared by him as the purist water in the entire world. Oil exports are 300% of pre-war levels.
4th Major Point Made By Our President:
A Constitution patterned after the U.S. Constitution as been adopted by the Iraqi Congress. The document is so good that the U.S. Congress has voted unanimously to scrap the present U.S. Constitution and replace it with the Iraqi Constitution. Saddam himself surprised everyone by showing up at a joint assembly of the Iraqi Congress to proclaim that he thought it was a masterful document and he could not have written a better one himself.
5th Major Point Made By Our President:
Iraqi oil revenues will be used to pay for all medical needs for all of Iraqi citizens for the next fifty years.
6th Major Point Made By Our President:
George W. Bush has given up every penny he owns presently and every penny he will earn for the rest of his life to feed The Children of Iraq. He is moving into the YMCA tomorrow.
Answer To Reporter's Question:
As the President was leaving the stage, a reporter asked him about a rumor concerning a tomato that began circulating around Washington D.C. five minutes before he took the stage to deliver his speech. The President responded that he was aware of the incident and confirmed that an Iraqi citizen, who had just escaped from an insane asylum, had driven up on a moped and thrown a rotten tomato at a U.S. Army cook. It hit the cook square in the back of his head.
SEE BELOW FOR THE HEADLINE IN THE FOLLOWING EDITION OF THE NEW YORK TIMES...
President Forced To Admit To White House Reporter That There Is Open Rebellion Among Iraqi Populace
Would I kid u?
