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Last year I applied to our Federal Government for a Grant of $300,000 to perform a study on a mystery that has baffled mankind for centuries.
The Government’s interest in my research was clear from the beginning because my Government Handler sent a check for the full $300,000 by UPS Overnight within days of the submission of my Grant Request.
It could be that they pay no attention to whom they give the grant money. I like to think that I had a worthy idea and my government saw the value of my proposed research. Once that value was recognized they accelerated the approval process to get me working on my important research as quickly as possible.
Went Haywire…
The subject of this posting tells you what my research was about. Out on the farms of this great land when someone cuts the wire that surrounds a bale of hay that wire immediately springs into a jumbled up mess that would be very difficult to untangle (if you were one that takes pleasure in untangling such things).
It’s not just haywire. The same thing happens to electrical wires, earphone cords, rope, etc. Such things are always getting jumbled up and research has shown that untangling them costs American Workers 2.75 Billion Man Hours of lost productive work time each and every year.
My Theory…
I contended in my workup to the Federal Government that such things get jumbled up by their very nature. It is a part of their DNA.
My belief was that these seemingly inanimate objects actually move when we are not looking. This movement ends up becoming the jumbled up and hard to unjumble mess we all have come to dread.
Once I had confirmed my theory, I intended to set about determining how this age old problem could be prevented and this vast lost productive time could be eliminated.
My Plan…
I went to Radio Shack and bought a professional digital movie camera and a very rigid tripod on which to mount it. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a card table. Finally I went to Home Depot and bought a 100 foot extension cord.
I returned home, went in my garage and, in short order, I had set up the camera on the tripod looking down on the 100 foot extension cord (not tangled up) which had been placed on the card table.
This investment had cost me a pretty penny (about $600).
I then turned on the camera and left nature to take its course for a full seven days and nights.
The Results of My Research…
When I returned the extension cord was hopelessly jumbled up but the movie showed absolutely no movement of the cord itself during the entire week.
My Report Back To the Federal Government…
I am an honest person. I simply called my Handler and reported that my experiment was a complete failure. Yes the cord had gotten tangled but I had no idea how it had gotten tangled.
I told him that I felt really badly about taking my government’s money and would be sending back the entire $300,000.
That nice fellow said to me, “Don’t feel bad. Certainly you should not for a moment consider sending back the $300,000. It would greatly mess up our budgeting process.”
He expressed his gratitude for my phone call saying, “You really did not have to go to all the trouble of phoning. No one else ever reports back the results of their research. We just wait a bit and write it off.”
Then the nice fellow really made my day, “Don’t feel bad about your stupid idea turning out to be a really stupid idea. Lots of people never come up with a single stupid idea in their entire logical and clear thinking lives. Keep the money. You deserve it.”
Cashing In On The System…
I have now decided that I am going to throw off my scruples and cash in on the Free Money…
I remember when I was in the Army a Master Sergeant told me, “The heck with using a parachute. If ever I have to jump out of a plane, I going to be holding a large tangle of haywire. It’s bound to get caught up on something on the way down.” (He probably did not say “heck”. Master Sergeants never say “heck”.)
This ought to be good enough for $400,000. I used to know how to fly a plane. I need a jumper/haywire holder. Any one of you cares to be my jumper/haywire holder? I’ll give you 15%.
Would I kid u?
