Wal-Mart’s Secret Plan Is Laid Bare For All To See

Anonymous says: I read it again. After I finished it I said to myself, "What a joke!"

Ever wonder why Wal-Mart is so successful? I am here to tell you their darkest secret. You can rest assured that you can believe every word of this posting because I got it straight a person who is very close to a cousin of Wal-Mart’s CEO who I met in a coffee shop who spoke on a condition of anonymity because he is not allowed to say anything about anything of importance.

Wal-Mart’s secret of success is...

The Male Shopper

and

End of Aisle Displays of Clothes Hangers Priced at 12 for a Dollar

Here is how it works...

• It all begins when a Male Shoppers go to Wal-Mart looking for beer and pretzels.
• He comes upon the End of Aisle 12 for a Dollar Clothes Hanger Display.
• The male shopper is not that experienced at shopping but 12 of anything for a dollar is one of his hot buttons.
• He buys his beer, pretzels and bargain hangers and, feeling very good about himself, he heads for home.
• Once home he hangs his 12 new hangers in the closet and sits in front of his TV to watch whatever sporting event is on at the present time with a cold beer and lots of pretzels.
• While he is watching TV, his wife goes into the closet and finds the 12 empty hangers.
• She is struck with amazement because she thought all hangers in her closet had clothes hanging on them.
• She says to herself, “Golly gee! How did this happen? I’m going to Wal-Mart this very minute and buy 12 new outfits, blouses, jeans or whatevers that I have always wanted.”
• There is no way he can help but buy those hangers and there is no way she cannot head right out to fill those hangers up with stuff.
• It is in their DNA.

There you have it. The secret of how Wal-Mart has become the retail giant that America has come to love and/or hate.

Would I kid u?

The Proper Way To Handle The Bad Guys ... Or Is It?

Anonymous says: Not just a bathroom book. Useful at stop lights also.

Once upon a time...
Some ruffians started tripping people as they walked by.

*The whole country started speculating as to why these guys started tripping people as they walked by...

• Some said we ought to wait and see if the tripping was accidental.
• Some said it did not look premeditated.
• Some said that some of the trippers looked sorry.
• Some speculated about the trippers being uncoordinated.
• Some sought federal funding for a study into the trippers upbringing.
• Some blamed their unfortunate behavior on the fact that school yard dodge ball had not yet been banned when they had gone through Elementary School.
• Some said that we ought to make sure that they, in fact, did not have a constitutional right to trip people.

Escalation #1: One day the tripping escalated into punching.
Escalation #2: The next thing we knew the trippers/punchers had turned to mugging.
Escalation #3: Before we knew what hit us the trippers/punchers/muggers were robbing banks.
Escalation #4: Low and behold all of a sudden the trippers/punchers/muggers/robbers were planting bombs.

After all four escalations above (see * above) similar analyses were conducted as to what had happened to cause each escalation.

As society crumbled into itself the intellectuals amongst us argued, “We should refrain from taking any kind of concerted and/or forceful action against the trippers/punchers/muggers/robbers/bombers because doing so might make them mad.”

There is a similarity between the above Foolishness and Iran, North Korea and 1930s Germany. I'm sure you see it ... Or do you?

Would I kid u?

On a lighter note (but maybe related to the above Foolishness)... If you have a brand new gold tooth in the front of your mouth, don’t smile at a mugger.

Church Weddings Are Getting To Be A Thing Of The Past

Anonymous says: This book is something special!

 

 

The other day I was looking thru the Marriage Section of my local paper and I noticed that not one of the three announcements that day reported that the engaged were getting married in a church. Instead they were holding their ceremonies...

• In a restaurant
• On a beach
• At a big fancy hotel

Some particularly unusual places in which I have seen people getting married recently were...

• Skydiving from a plane
• While scuba diving

To me the best one is the Big Fancy Hotel because, if the marriage does not work out, the feuding former guests can just go thru Check Out.

Would I kid u?

Lindsay Lohan Arithmetic

Anonymous says: I'm gonna buy another one!

If you were like me you were riveted to your TV two weeks ago as we witnessed our Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 90 days in jail. The look of shock and horror on Lindsay’s face told the whole awful story as the judge gave her 30 days in jail and then added 30 more days in jail and finally another 30 days in jail. That is a total of 90 days in jail. It was hard to watch.

Yesterday poor Lindsey reported to authorities and, sure enough, was locked behind bars. She walked in like the trooper we all know her to be. It was darn near inspirational.

That late Paul Harvey guy is looking over my computer again. Guess what? He told me to tell you The Rest of the Story...

• I read today that 90 days is not as many days as 90 days used to be.
• A spokesman for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department said that Lindsey will be released from jail on August 1st or 2nd.
• An August 1st release is only the 12th day of her incarceration.
• Let’s add one more day to 12 days and see if that adds to 90 days.
• Nope, that does not do it because that is only 13 days.
• The Sheriff’s Department went on to say that Lindsay will only serve a quarter of her sentence.
• Father Hatrell taught me that a quarter of something is 25%.
• I just got my calculator out found out that 12 days is 13% of 90 days and not 25%.
• Since I did so well on that calculation I forged on and found out that 13 days is 14% of 90 days and still not 25%.

What am I missing here?

Ah ha! Here is the answer. A Sheriff’s Department Official said the projected release date was arrived at because of, “all the credits Lohan is likely to receive.”

• Did her looking so shocked in court earn her a credit?
• Did the fact that she cried in court earn her a credit?
• Did the fact that her attorney dropped her as a client like a hot potato right after the judge threw the book at her earn her a tax credit? (In hindsight it was a very small book.) 

If you want to speculate about what credits Lindsay might have received, use the Comments Procedure at the bottom of this posting and let the world hear your thoughts (foolish thoughts would be appreciated).

The article went on to report that Lohan surrendered at a Beverly Hills Courthouse and was immediately whisked away to an all-women’s jail in Lynwood. Quoting from the article, “She will serve her time in an Isolation Unit that has previously hosted Paris Hilton.”

I trust that you took note that “incarcerated” has been replaced by “hosted”.

Lindsay was heard to say that she was glad she took acting lessons. Those lessons turned her tearful and heart wrenching apology into a work of art. This all means she will not have to share the Isolation Unit’s Jacuzzi with some low life whose apology was not as near as sincere as her apology was.

Would I kid u?

Common Sense Improvements To The Game Of Soccer

 

 

Anonymous Says: I wish I could go to the bathroom more often!

 

 

From the Round of Sixteen onward Spain beat Portugal, Paraguay, Germany and Netherlands all by the exact same score of 1 to 0 ... Whoopie Doo!

Now the The World Cup has come and gone it is time to consider how to ... Liven Up The Game of Soccer.

I’m ready to take on this challenge. I’m sitting here pecking out this posting with the able assistance of Jack Nicholson and he just told me that you should not be too quick to say you are also ready to address this thorny issue unless, You Can Handle The Truth!

Here is what should be done to the game of Soccer...

• The Spoil Sport ... I ask you what is the biggest hindrance to livening up Soccer? I am certain that each and every one of you just said out loud, “The Goalie”. The fix is as simple as saying out loud what the problem is ... Get Rid of the Goalie!
• The Goal Itself ... The other obvious problem. The darn things are too small. We need scoring! Make the Goal twice as long and twice as high as it presently is.
• More Scoring ... How exciting can a final score of 1 to 0 be? Removing the Goalie and enlarging the Goals ought to go a long way towards soccer fans getting to see some 68 to 67 final scores.
• No Time Outs ... Ever wonder where the riots come from? If you combine a large mass of beer drinking males with the inability to go to the rest room, you have the makings of a one heck of a riot. You just know they are not going to leave during the middle of the match. They would never forgive themselves if they missed that day’s goal.
• The Tie ... Jack Nicholson just said, “A tie is like kissing your sister”. Some of these World Cup matches ended in a tie and the fans went crazy because they had “won”. Vince Lombardi, if he were alive, probably turned over in his grave when he saw those fans celebrating their 0 to 0 “victory”.

Picture this. A sweat drenched and exhilarated Soccer Fan on his knees with his hands folded, looking up to heaven and thanking God saying,

All my life I have dreamed that my team would play to a tie in a

World Cup Soccer Match!

Would I kid u?

Franchise Applications Being Accepted

Anonymous says: "Delightful!"

 This is your chance to make a fortune and retire or re-retire without winning the lottery. I know you all are on the edge of your seats, so I’ll get right to the details...

We are already aware of how American Females are obsessed with their cell phones.

They must be in constant communication with someone ... anyone ... at all times.

Nothing could exemplify this obsession better than the lady who last week dialed a wrong number and spent twenty-three minutes talking to the lady who answered the call on the other end. At the end of the twenty-three minute conversation each of the talkers knew what each had served for dinner the night before, what was planned in each house for dinner that very night, where the latest bargains were to be had, what each person’s political leanings were and how each was coming along in their ongoing quest to straighten out their husbands. One of the women is excited to be going to the Bar Mitzvah of the other’s youngest child, even though she is not sure exactly what a Bar Mitzvah is.

Having established the American Female’s love of the cell phone, allow me to link the Cell Phone to Female Muslim Garb and making your fortune...

• I was in a store the other day and I observed a Muslim Woman shopping in her Muslim Garb.
• This was not a full body covering but was the robe looking thing with the tight head scarf over her head.
• The key is the Tight Head Scarf.
• Our Muslim Lady Friend had secured her cell phone to her head by tucking it securely under her Tight Head Scarf.

There it is! Once the American Female Cell Phone Talker gets wind of how Muslim Garb can enhance their desire for constant communication, there will be a mad rush to my franchised Muslim Garb Stores.

What about men? There is no market here for men because they are not into cell phones that much to begin with and they do not spend enough time shopping to have to worry about what to do with their cell phones. They just run in, grab their beer and head for check out.

Send your $10,000 Franchise Fee to:
I Am Kidding You Again
10000 Silly Way
Foolishness, GA 10000

Would I kid u?

Who Says I Have To Watch Where I Am Going?

Anonymous Says:
I wish I had written this book!




I read recently that a lawsuit had been filed for over $100,000 because a person, while using Google Map Walking Instructions, was injured by a car in an area where there were no sidewalks.

The lawsuit says, “As a direct and proximate cause of defendant Google’s careless, reckless and negligent providing of unsafe directions, plaintiff was led onto a dangerous highway, and was thereby stricken by a motor vehicle.”

Are we to the point in our Collective Disintegration where we no longer have to look out for our own well being because we have been given permission to do something stupid by someone or something else (like a computer).

In the future are we going to see such happenings as shown below?

• Signage: Slippery When Wet ... Unless Google Maps sent you.
• Hiking: This is the edge of a cliff. Do not take one step further ... Unless you were sent here by Google Maps. If that be the case, go right ahead.
• Highway Travel: Your honor, my client wasted a lot of time. He trusted that Google Maps would quickly get him to Georgetown, Maine but he ended up in Phoenix, Arizona. I am sure the court will agree that a huge settlement is due my trusting but badly deceived client.

Would I kid u?

Another Visit To The Post Office

As faithful readers of my Blog you are aware that I am a keen observer of the U.S. Post Office. There have been at least three brilliant? commentaries by the Smartfella? on this subject. The one I received the most commentaries on is Out Of Print, you might say. It was called My Visit to the Post Office.

You can't read it because I published it on a service I no longer use and, since I stopped using them, they are mad at me and won't allow access to any of my Blog Postings anymore.

Another Visit To The Post Office

7/8/10

Part 1…
I was in my local Post Office the other day and I was pleased to read a notice on the wall about how our U.S. Postal Service is in the processing of spending $30 million on New Signage.

I think spending $30 million on those new “Next Window Please” signs will be money well spent.

Part 2…
I walked into my Post Office and was thrilled to find that I was first in line. That was most exciting! Being first in line had never happened to me before.

There was only one counter agent on duty. The rest were behind the wall drinking their fruity drinks with those little umbrellas in them. I was not concerned. I knew I would be on my way in a few moments because a single person at the counter take could not take very long.

I watched intently as the one agent served the one customer. I watched. I watched. I watched. As I was watching I noticed that the agent was developing Cobwebs between his arms and the trunk of his body and the counter itself. The more Cobwebs that formed the slower he moved. It became apparent that the Cobwebs were a real draw down on his performance. They were severely hurting his productivity. He kept going slower and slower.

When I got up to the counter I told the agent that the U.S. Postal Service ought to hire new employees to stand next to all counter agents and, by using something like feather dusters, these new employees could whisk the Cobwebs away as soon as they formed.

At first I had second thoughts thinking he might be offended. Actually he became real excited and thanked me profusely. He said he would put this idea into the suggestion box. He felt confident that his chance of winning the monthly $1,000 Best Suggestion of the Month Award was excellent.

He offered to share the award with me but I declined. I told him I, being representative of the American Public, was very appreciative of all that the U.S. Postal Service does for us. He said, “Yea, I know.”

Part 3…
Some of what I pecked out above is not true. This part is absolutely true...

When I Left My Post Office There Were Eight People Waiting In Line

Would I kid u?

The Nuts Are Going Fast … or is it? … Atlanta Car Drivers Are Going Nuts Fast

Anonymous says, "This is one great bathroom book!"





In the last 24 hours I have witnessed crazy happenings on the streets of the Atlanta Metropolitan Area…

We all have seen cars go by where the driver forgot to close the gas cap door and the gas cap itself is hanging out of the open door on that little stringy thing.

• What I saw was the gas cap door closed but the gas cap had not been replaced before the gas cap door had been closed.
• It was hanging and dangling as the car rolled along with the door closed on the stringy thing.

A driver had forgotten to close the rear hatch on a SUV and I watched the car go past me in the grocery parking lot, out of the parking lot and into the street.

• There were just a couple of bags of groceries back there.
• There was no long piece of cargo sticking out of the rear hatch that prevented it from being closed.

In Georgia we have a new law starting July 1, 2010 which makes it illegal to Text & Drive at the same time.

• One of my fellow drivers had decided that the safe thing to do was to stop the vehicle while sending that all important tidbit of miscellaneous trivia.
• The problem was that the vehicle had been stopped in the right hand lane of an active four lane road (2 one way and 2 the other way).
• I came close to hitting the “safe” car in its rear.

I may be foolish but I am not crazy. I think I’m going to stay inside my house for a few years. By that time the nuts will be smart … or will they? WhatDoYouThink?

Would I kid u?

Little Things Mean A Lot

In 1954 Kitty Kallen had her biggest hit when she recorded, Little Things Mean a Lot. In our modern world of Computers, Social Networking, Big Screen TVs and Electronic Everything, those little things are still important. Please follow along with me…

The Big Boss at Giant Internet Company sends out the word that he wants his minions to come up with a plan to Dramatically Increase Revenue.

The minions go into a panic. He looks very serious, and they know from experience, that shortly after serious comes anger. The last time he got seriously angry, it was not a pretty sight.

An emergency meeting is scheduled to convene within ten minutes. The Top Ten Thinkers are told to bring their best ideas to Dramatically Increase Revenue. The Top Ten Thinkers have been with the company since it was created by The Big Boss twelve years ago. If any group of people can come up with a way to Dramatically Increase Revenue, these people have the brain power to do it!

In their panic all ten of them cram through the conference room door in a mad rush. They are in such frenzy that they run over the Mail Boy who was trying to exit as they entered. As he was being run over, he hit his head on the bottom of the conference room table and was knocked unconscious.

During the two hour meeting that followed, all of the Top Ten Thinkers saw the Mail Boy laying there but they did not bother to tend to him because they were important and he was not.

Eventually the Mail Boy started to come to. As he cleared his head his Mail Boy Mind began to adsorb what was being discussed. As he was getting to his feet he said, “Why don’t you raise the monthly customer subscription charge by $1.00 per month?”

The Top Ten Thinkers all grabbed their calculators and frantically made this calculation…

$1 per month times 17,000,000 customers equals increased revenue of

$17,000,000 per month

Being professional calculator users, they all hit the equals sign at the same moment. They all realized they had come up with a plan to Dramatically Increase Revenue that would make The Big Boss happy. They felt very proud of their accomplishment.

The Mail Boy went back to mailing. The Top Ten Thinkers went straight to happy hour.

The Mail Boy did not get a big promotion as a result of the little story you have just read. However, he did get to feel like was an important part of the ongoing success of Giant Internet Company. Every time The Big Boss demanded a meeting to Dramatically Increase Revenue, he was invited to attend.

The Mail Boy always came up with the same $1 increase idea. Each time he did the Top Ten Thinkers were amazed at his intelligence. Sometimes they were a bit sorry he was not important like they were but they decided not to think about that.

Would I kid u.

Little Mr. Starbucks Asks His Father For A Little Help

A Journey Back Into Coffee History

Little Mr. Starbucks goes to his father and asks to borrow $10,000. He wants to use the money to invest in a bright idea that he has been kicking around in the back of his mind. He is sure that this idea of his will be his life’s work.

Father Starbucks was always supportive of his son since he was born right through his years of higher education in one of the finest school in the east. He knew that he was going to do whatever his son asked. He eagerly inquired how his boy was going to use the $10,000 as he reached for his checkbook.

Here is the back and forth conversation that took place about the plan of action Little Mr. Starbucks laid out for his ever more wide eyed father, as his father slipped his checkbook back into his pocket…

• Father … “You are going to do what?”
• Son … “I want to open up a coffee shop and spend my life selling people coffee, a cup at a time.”
• Father … “You mean to tell me that, after I devoted my life to you and took out a second mortgage on our modest family home in order to put you through that fancy snotty school back east, you are going to spend your life with an apron on selling cups of coffee?”
• Son … “That’s right, pop. I just know there is a world of money to be made out there in coffee cups.”
• Father … “Where are you going to set up the gold mine of a coffee shop?”
• Son … “I’m going to rent space in the shopping mall downtown.”
• Father … “You mean to tell me that you are going to pay the exorbitant rent that businesses are charged in that mall? Are you aware, my educated idiot son, that in order to just break even, you are going to have to sell a lot of cups of coffee? Don’t forget you are going to have to pay salaries and benefits, buy supplies and pay that sky high rent just to crack your nut!”
• Son … “Daddy, I have thought through all of the costs that you have just mentioned. I have that covered in my business plan. I am going to charge a lot for my cups of coffee!”

At this point Father Starbucks climbed across the dining room table and started to strangle junior.

After Mother Starbucks had locked Father Starbucks in the bedroom closet to cool off overnight, she loaned Little Mr. Starbucks the $10,000 for his bright idea and the rest is coffee history.

Would I kid u?

Why Does Haywire Go Haywire?

Some detractor or admirers (I’m not sure which) are referring to this book as, “The Perfect Bathroom Book”.
Want to see what's inside my book before you buy?
Click on "Buy My Book At..." above.
Go to the Amazon site and click on, "Click to LOOK INSIDE!"
After reading a bit say to yourself, "Golly gee, that is really funny!"
Then add it to your cart and buy it before Amazon runs out.

Last year I applied to our Federal Government for a Grant of $300,000 to perform a study on a mystery that has baffled mankind for centuries.

The Government’s interest in my research was clear from the beginning because my Government Handler sent a check for the full $300,000 by UPS Overnight within days of the submission of my Grant Request.

It could be that they pay no attention to whom they give the grant money. I like to think that I had a worthy idea and my government saw the value of my proposed research. Once that value was recognized they accelerated the approval process to get me working on my important research as quickly as possible.

Went Haywire…
The subject of this posting tells you what my research was about. Out on the farms of this great land when someone cuts the wire that surrounds a bale of hay that wire immediately springs into a jumbled up mess that would be very difficult to untangle (if you were one that takes pleasure in untangling such things).

It’s not just haywire. The same thing happens to electrical wires, earphone cords, rope, etc. Such things are always getting jumbled up and research has shown that untangling them costs American Workers 2.75 Billion Man Hours of lost productive work time each and every year.

My Theory…
I contended in my workup to the Federal Government that such things get jumbled up by their very nature. It is a part of their DNA.

My belief was that these seemingly inanimate objects actually move when we are not looking. This movement ends up becoming the jumbled up and hard to unjumble mess we all have come to dread.

Once I had confirmed my theory, I intended to set about determining how this age old problem could be prevented and this vast lost productive time could be eliminated.

My Plan…
I went to Radio Shack and bought a professional digital movie camera and a very rigid tripod on which to mount it. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a card table. Finally I went to Home Depot and bought a 100 foot extension cord.

I returned home, went in my garage and, in short order, I had set up the camera on the tripod looking down on the 100 foot extension cord (not tangled up) which had been placed on the card table.

This investment had cost me a pretty penny (about $600).

I then turned on the camera and left nature to take its course for a full seven days and nights.

The Results of My Research…
When I returned the extension cord was hopelessly jumbled up but the movie showed absolutely no movement of the cord itself during the entire week.

My Report Back To the Federal Government…
I am an honest person. I simply called my Handler and reported that my experiment was a complete failure. Yes the cord had gotten tangled but I had no idea how it had gotten tangled.

I told him that I felt really badly about taking my government’s money and would be sending back the entire $300,000.

That nice fellow said to me, “Don’t feel bad. Certainly you should not for a moment consider sending back the $300,000. It would greatly mess up our budgeting process.”

He expressed his gratitude for my phone call saying, “You really did not have to go to all the trouble of phoning. No one else ever reports back the results of their research. We just wait a bit and write it off.”

Then the nice fellow really made my day, “Don’t feel bad about your stupid idea turning out to be a really stupid idea. Lots of people never come up with a single stupid idea in their entire logical and clear thinking lives. Keep the money. You deserve it.”

Cashing In On The System…
I have now decided that I am going to throw off my scruples and cash in on the Free Money…

I remember when I was in the Army a Master Sergeant told me, “The heck with using a parachute. If ever I have to jump out of a plane, I going to be holding a large tangle of haywire. It’s bound to get caught up on something on the way down.” (He probably did not say “heck”. Master Sergeants never say “heck”.)

This ought to be good enough for $400,000. I used to know how to fly a plane. I need a jumper/haywire holder. Any one of you cares to be my jumper/haywire holder? I’ll give you 15%.

Would I kid u?

I'm Losing All Faith In Higher Education

This posting is about College Athletics but you don’t have to like or understand sports to see that Higher Education in America is in deep trouble.

The problem is not Calculus or Algebra or Geometry. The problem is Arithmetic!

It all started to fall apart 1990 when Penn State joined the Big Ten Conference. Now I ask you, what is 10 + 1? Being sly, cunning and alert and knowing your Arithmetic, you very quickly said to yourself, “11”. I bet you did not even have to get out your calculator.

Certainly once Penn State joined the Big 10, the Big 10 became the Big 11. Actually, it did not become the Big 11. It stayed the Big 10.

Does that make sense? Does not 10 + 1 = 11? It used to be 11 but not in the Big 10/11 Conference. We know we can’t trust the politicians that come out of the Big 10/11 but, if they can’t add, how can we trust the Scientist, the Teachers, the Biologists and the Multi-Cultural Dancers that come out of the Big 10/11?

Years before the Big 10/11 Miscalculation the Pac 8 got two new teams and immediately changed their name to the Pac 10. Everything was in its place back then. All seemed right with the world.

All of a sudden Arithmetic Ignorance is spreading like wildfire. Due to changes that have taken place in the last few days this is what three of our athletic conferences look like…

• Pac 10 has 12 teams
• Big 10 has 12 teams
• Big 12 has 10 teams

I can tell you for sure that, back at St. Anthony of Padua Grammar School, Sister Mary Grenyon would not have accepted these inaccurate names.

--------------------------

I’m going to try and calm down now. At least I know that 2 + 2 = 4 … or do I?

I forgot about New Math which years ago put even this age-old calculation in doubt. New Math was concerned about not hurting our children’s self esteem by telling them they were wrong, if they gave any answer other than 4. New Math said something akin to this…

2 + 2 Is 4 Unless You Think It Is Something Else. If You Truly Think It Is Something Else, It Might Be Something Else, If It Were Something Else.

A university educator, who would have won a Nobel Prize if he had won one, was recently heard to say, “After all, students did learn something about Reading and Writing and Arithmetic (whatever that is) in Elementary and High Schools. Our university system of education cannot be held responsible for all those little thingies.”

--------------------------

I sure hope Higher Education and/or New Math do not start messing with the Scoring System in football. I fear we are on the cusp of something like…

• A touchdown is worth 6 points, unless the team that is behind feels really badly that they are behind. 
• If the behind team’s anguish is so severe that their academic concentration in the coming week might be adversely affected, 7 to 12 more points may be allowed in order to at least tie the score.
• More than 12 extra points will never be allowed for a single touchdown because the team that is ahead might experience depression after all the hard work that they expended to get ahead in the first place.

Would I kid u?

If Schools Do Not Teach The Proper Use Of Scissors, This Is What We Can Expect

<- - - - - - - -
>Some detractor or admirers (I’m not sure which) are referring to this book as, “The Perfect Bathroom Book”.
>Want to see what's inside my book before you buy?
>Click on the book to the left.
>Once to the Amazon site, click on, "Click to LOOK INSIDE!"
>Say to yourself, "Golly gee, that is really funny!"
>Then add it to your cart and buy it before Amazon runs out.
<- - - - - - - -

There you go again, Rhode Island. We are indeed fortunate that you are the smallest state. We have always known that you are a hotbed of contentiousness and weird thinking. This latest brouhaha of yours is further proof that, as little as you are, you are a big problem.

Did I get ahead of myself? Sorry about that. Please, allow me to explain...

Recently a school in Rhode Island assigned a class of 8 year old children a project to make theme hats. One of the little tykes decided to make a Patriotic Hat. On his camouflaged baseball cap he attached an American Flag and tiny toy action figures emblematic of our Armed Forces. You know the kind of figures of which I speak. They are made out of plastic and carry guns.

School officials looked at the guns and saw evil. They said the hat ran afoul of their no-weapons policy because the tiny Army men held tiny weapons in their tiny hands.

The 8 year old owner of the hat in question expressed concern that he was confused because Armed Forces are Armed and, therefore, it was only proper that they should have their little weapons in their little hands.

This logic did not faze school officials. They fired back (poor use of words here) that he should have used his mother’s scissors to cut off the weapons before he brought the little figures and the evil they represent into school to terrorize other students.

Some have said the little tyke cannot be held responsible for knowing how to use a pair of scissors if the school did not teach him how to use scissors.

School officials have countered that counter by saying they could not teach their children how to use scissors because scissors are not allowed into the school either. A spokesman for the school, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he is not allowed to speak on the record about anything of consequence, said, “What if one of our children ran with school-issued scissors in his hands and fell and injured himself. The horrific picture that conjures up in my mind is too awful to imagine. Besides the lawsuits that would result would necessitate a tax increase.”

-----------------------------------------------

I don’t normally like to ask my faithful readers to think their way through long postings. If you have had enough, you have my permission to go about your life and not read any further. I do warn you that my Foolishness Juices are flowing and this one is about to get wild.

-----------------------------------------------

I contend school officials ought not to limit their paranoia to little plastic soldiers with little plastic guns in their little plastic hands. There is a wealth of other proven evils that easily could have been attached to little tyke’s heads. Since you, my dear readers, are so well informed, I know that the three examples I am going to list below are well known to all of you. I am going to record them here for you anyway because I am on a roll here and I can’t help myself…

• Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix … This is a definite Do Not Allow on any theme hat. There was that horrific case several years ago when a distort mother went berserk at her frail son for not eating his Aunt Jemima Pancakes and stuffed six dollar sized pancakes down his throat with the bottom of a salt shaker. The paramedics were able to vacuum the child’s windpipe clear just before brain damage set in. The child, however, was so traumatized by this episode that he has not been down to breakfast since that horrible day. He is much frailer today than he used to be.
• Rolling Pins … There are seven documented incidents of rolling pins being used to put hickeys on the heads of spouses, domestic partners and neighbors since such statistics began being tabulated in 1927. These numbers could very well be much higher if it were not for the fact that American mothers have stopped baking since Mrs. Smith came on the scene. Little plastic rolling pins are the kind of weapon that school officials ought to ban for sure.
• Baseballs … Umpteen baseball players of all ages have been hit in the head since 1846 when Alexander Joy Cartwright arranged a baseball game between the New York Knickerbockers and the New York Nine at Hoboken, New Jersey. Sitting on a coffee table a baseball is not dangerous. As a projectile baseballs are capable of inflicting great harm to the human body. They have been known to kill and can cause long lasting disability, discomfort and bumps.

I am very firm in my conviction that little plastic guns in little plastic hands are not the kind of thing that school officials ought to be worried about. If I can be shown documented evidence that some of these little plastic guns have actually gone off and caused any kind of bodily injury, I am open minded enough to reconsider my position.

Would I kid u?

Pre-Packaged Apology … Pre-Emptive Apology … Apology Apology

 
My service to my fellow man is never ending…

• First I informed you of the Pre-Emptive Apology in my blog posting of 11/8/08…
  http://www.northfulton.com/Blog-6920.112113-7317.114126_Why_Wait.html
• Then I made you aware of the Pre-Packaged Apology in my blog posting of 5/24/10…
  http://forii.blogspot.com/2010/05/im-going-to-be-rich-and-you-are-not.html

Today was my turn to be educated. Today I witnessed my first…

Apology for an Apology

You all saw what I saw if you watched any news about the BP Hearings. If you did not watch the BP Hearings, I will not even bring you up to date about the Apology Apology. There is some silliness that does not warrant being associated with my Foolishness. By not watching the BP Hearings, you made better use of your day than I did.

Since you did not watch the BP Hearings, you may have done something real useful like write a book. Did I tell you I wrote a book? If you were unaware of my literary effort, go to my web site and read all about it… http://foolishnessorisit.com/default.aspx

Would I kid u?

Are Wal-Mart Greeters Rotten To The Core?

<- - - - - - - -
>Some detractor or admirers (I’m not sure which) are referring to this book as, “The Perfect Bathroom Book”.
>Want to see what's inside my book before you buy?
>Click on the book to the left.
>Once to the Amazon site, click on, "Click to LOOK INSIDE!"
>Say to yourself, "Golly gee, that is really funny!"
>Then add it to your cart and buy it before Amazon runs out.
<- - - - - - - -

This past weekend I let my wife off outside of Wal-Mart and went to park the car. When I entered the store I was surprised to see that she was still talking to the Wal-Mart Greeter.

Later she explained that she had gotten into a conversation with the elderly gentleman and that conversation was interesting enough that she lingered the whole time I was parking.

Here is one of the stories that held her attention for so long…

• Earlier in the day our Greeter was doing his duty as specified in the Wal-Mart Greeters Manual by checking a shopping cart full to the top with Newly Acquired Treasures (including loose items stuffed in the tray below the cart).
• While he was doing his checking, another lady came by and the Greeter gave her small bag with three items in it a quick look and bid her good day.
• The woman who had the Shopping Cart Full of Stuff objected that the Greeter was checking her cart out very carefully but he let the Three Item Lady go by without the same thorough examination to which she was being subjected.
• To her this was proof of what is wrong with America and she expressed herself to the Greeter about this deeply held belief…

She accused our friendly Greeter of being a Racist

•  My wife says the Greeter’s demeanor and tone of voice indicated he was really bewildered that he had been accused of being such a terrible person.

Don’t jump to conclusions…

The shopping cart full of stuff, upset and not so clear thinking shopper was Hispanic.

----------------------------------- 

The bottom part of this blog posting is pecked out in a much lighter tone.

Once upon a time there was a Wal-Mart Greeter who could not seem to come to work on time.

His boss stayed on him all the time about his tardiness but did not fire the old gentleman because he was really an excellent Greeter of which Sam Walton would have been proud.

One day the boss decided to use a new approach to try and get through to the old gentleman. He asked him…

What did they say at your last job when you came in late for work?

The Greeter replied that they simply said to him…

Good morning, General! Would you like a cup of coffee?

Actually the above little ditty is a joke … or is it?

Would I kid u?

People Who Use Words For A Living Ought To Understand The Meaning Of Words

<- - - - - - - -
Some detractor or admirers (I’m not sure which) are referring to this book as, “The Perfect Bathroom Book”.
Want to see what's inside my book before you buy?
Click on the book to the left.
Once to the Amazon site, click on, "Click to LOOK INSIDE!"
Say to yourself, "Golly gee, that is really funny!"
Then add it to your cart and buy it before Amazon runs out.
<- - - - - - - -

My local newspaper had an article this morning about an attack on a bunch of trucks in Afghanistan. You have seen almost daily articles about such activities in the Middle East for years. You will see articles about such activities in the Middle East for years for years to come. Why am I bringing this up? I can’t help myself. I’m a noticer. I notice things. It’s a curse…or is it?

Allow me to explain what I noticed this time…
 Trucks carrying military vehicles for foreign forces were attacked in the early morning hours.
 Six people were killed.
 Seven people were wounded.

Now it is time for one of the Smartfella? Famous Multiple Choice Pop Quizzes...
1. The attackers were Boy Scouts from West Virginia.
2. The attackers were really nice guys who have gotten confused about the meaning of life.
3. The attackers were militants.

Did you select #3? Being as sly, cunning and alert as I know you to be because you read my Foolishness…Or Is It? silliness, I am certain you picked #3.

Here is the word I noticed but, up to this point in my Foolishness, I have failed to tell you about. The missing word is “suspected”. Yes my newspaper called these bad guys “suspected militants”.

What is there to be suspicious about? They attacked. They killed. They wounded. THEY ARE MILITANTS! End of discussion. End of hair splitting. They are what they are. Call them what they are…militants.

Oh well. I am calming back down. I am looking for the lighter side of this article. Here it is…

It is better than the article I read about the home invasion where the homeowner was killed by bad guys who broke in his front door, beat him up, took his worldly goods and shot him dead. That article referred to the definitely dead homeowner as an “alleged victim”.

There you go again thinking I made this one up. As long as the world around me is as silly as it is, there is no need for me to make up Foolishness.

Would I kid u?

Why Are You Performing So Poorly?

<- - - - - - - -
Want to see what's inside my book before you buy?
Click on the book to the left.
Once to the Amazon site, click on, "Click to LOOK INSIDE!"
Say to yourself, "Golly gee, that is really funny!"
Then add it to your shopping cart and buy it before Amazon runs out.
<- - - - - - - -


Want some answers to the question posed by this blog posting? Here are some very logical ones…

• I don’t know what I am doing.
• I don’t have the skills necessary to do it right.
• I don’t care whether I do it right or not.
• I only have one arm and this is a clapping contest.

The above list is certainly incomplete but, no matter how hard you tried, you probably never would have thought of this one…

I am deliberately not performing well so I can charge more
for not performing well.

You are now thinking that I am making up silly stuff in my ongoing pursuit of Foolishness … or am I?

Actually you are being silly. Always remember, my Foolishness is based on the facts I run across from the silly world in which we live.

As published in the Wall Street Journal on June 3, 2010, our U.S. Patent and Trademark Office is now going to Charge Inventors Extra for Expedited Service.

I am now going to think my way through this one. Please read on…

• Fact … Our Patent Office takes an awful long time to grant patents.
• Fact … Our inventors get awful frustrated having to wait that awful long time for approval of their inventions.
• Fact … Our Patent Office is now going to reap significant financial rewards as a result of their years of Bureaucratic Foot Dragging.

You want to get your patent approved?

If you will pay extra, we will jump right on your nifty idea.

Our inventors will certainly give in and the increased revenue will soon start rolling into our Federal Treasury. The dramatic inflow of this new revenue will be so immense that the next General Tax Increase will be delayed a whole 27 days.

The Head Patent Guy has already held a meeting with his crack staff and has used a PowerPoint Presentation to lay out these undeniable facts…

• Fact … The Patent Office’s long standing inefficiency is about to become a Revenue Enhancement Bonanza which will certainly increase their annual bonus checks.
• Fact … If they work together to get even slower, they will be able to ensure a never ending spiral of increased revenues and ever bigger bonuses.
• Fact … The first step toward slowing down even more has already been enacted. Afternoon naps are now mandatory for all workers.
• Fact … Effective immediately 25% of all Patent Clerks will be laid off in order to quickly and effectively accelerate the rate of slow down.

Here are more particulars of the plan that is now being called, If you want something extra from us, you have to give something extra to us. (The News Media has started using the term, “Extra Extra”.)…

• The inventors who pay extra will have their inventions pulled ahead of those who do not, or cannot, pay extra. This will increase the pressure on those who do not, or cannot, pay extra to pay extra.
• The above bullet will mean more people will have to go into our Financial Markets and Loan Sharking Industry for the funds they need to tide themselves over while they wait for their patents to be approved.
• Many inventors will have to go to these same sources to obtain added funds to pay the extra fees which they hope will expedite the ever-slowing approval process.
• The Patent Office will also be able to get “contributions” from the Financial and Loan Sharking Industries. These shrewd businessmen will be more than happy to pay the Patent Office for slowing down their giddy up.

Some are arguing for a Blue Ribbon Panel to study the feasibility of not approving any patents. They are calling their plan The Screeching Halt. They portend, if revenues can be dramatically increased by just slowing down, think how much they could draw into the Federal Treasury if they did absolutely nothing. Others say this idea is sheer Foolishness … or is it?

It’s the American Way but it never used to be.

Would I kid u?

My Foolish Prediction Is Coming True!

Sometimes my readers think I am being silly. Thinking I am being silly is Foolish.

In my blog posting on May 11, 2010 called "Giant Sucking Sound" http://forii.blogspot.com/2010/05/giant-sucking-sound.html I predicted our beautiful Planet Earth turning into a Giant Wobbling Raisin.

My Foolishness is intended to make you laugh. This is further proof that, after you stop laughing, you had better think about what I have just told you. Remember the "...Or Is It" part of the name of this blog.

Go to the Link below, take in what you see and then say out loud three times, "I am sorry I thought the Smartfella? was silly."

The link... http://www.twirlit.com/2010/06/01/sinkhole-in-guatemala-2010-crazy-photos/

Would I kid u?

I’m Going To Be Rich and You Are Not

I am telling all of you my plan because I know you can't take my idea and beat me to my millions. I have the whole masterful plan of action copyrighted, patented and locked away in my safe deposit box. Sit back and be amazed at my genius…

Over and over we are being "treated" to one Important Person after another apologizing for every conceivable type of transgression. After watching and reading umpteen of these heart-rending performances, I have detected a discernible pattern to their stand-up routines. I have put together a way for these famous people to streamline their confessions/apologies and save all of us a lot of viewing and/or reading time.

I'm going to sell packages of one-liners that famous people can use to convey to us their sincere and heartfelt contrition...
1. I wish to apologize to all of my fans and supporters for betraying the trust they have placed in me.
2. I know the sorrow I have caused.
3. I accept full responsibility for my actions.
4. I have found Jesus.
5. I apologize to my wife.
6. I apologize to my children.
7. I feel your pain.
8. I especially apologize to The Children who have looked up to me as a role model.
9. I am so deeply sorry.
10. There have been many who have tried to get me to see the error of my ways and I feel especially bad for the sorrow I have caused them by rejecting their sage advice.

That's the list. Here is the time saving and money making part...
I will offer packages of the above excuses to these important people for a fee. (Always remember: They are important, we are not.)

For example, our sorrowful famous person can just step up to the mike and say, "APAL Package # 3". (“APAL” stands for Advanced Packaged Apology Listing.) He can then step away from the mike and go do lunch. The assembled news media will already have been given a list of APAL Packages. They can refer to their APAL List and scurry away to file their stories.

APAL Price List:
Package #1 all 10...$5,000.
Package #2 will be made up of #'s 1,2,3,4,7,8,10...$4,000.
Package #3 will be made up of #'s 2,3,5,6,7...$3,500.
Package #4 will be made up of #'s 4,7,8...$3,000.
Package #5 will be made up of #'s 4,7...$2,000.
(You will notice that #7 is in all packages.)

I have decided not to offer any packages of less than two excuses for the obvious reason that the adoring public may begin to doubt the sincerity of the important person if he only used one excuse. We would not want that to happen, would we?

Would I kid u?