How Much Of The Obvious Do We Not See?

Activate your Mind’s Eye and picture this scene...

For this Thanksgiving you decide you are going to fly back home on Eastern Airlines. After a big turkey dinner you and your father are looking forward to sitting around the fire while drinking some good ole Schlitz Beer.

There are a couple of cants in what your mind’s eye pictured above. Did you get my drift? If you did not, I am very disappointed in you.

• Eastern Airlines went out of business after a labor dispute.
• Schlitz Beer went out of business after a labor dispute.

By next Thanksgiving, if you decided to walk back home and sit around the fire with your dad and drink apple juice, you may not be able to eat Twinkies with your apple juice.

Do you get my drift?

It appears the bakers at Hostess did not get my drift. They are about to have a lot of time on their hands to Wonder if maybe they asked for too much Dough and when the bell of recognition goes off in their heads it’s going to go Ding Dong.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Hostess,Twinkies,Bakers,Eastern,Schlitz

I Was Feeling Very Uneasy ... I Feel Better Now

It was very disconcerting. I could not shake the uneasy feeling that the Good Ole USofA was drifting without anyone really knowing where the drift was taking us. It seemed like there were No Experts anywhere anymore.

Then the election happened and everything changed overnight. The day after the election we were covered up with Experts, Pundits and Talking Heads who knew in minute detail everything Romney had done wrong....

• He was Too Tentative.
• Only talking about The Economy was a Strategic Error.
• He did not answer back to those who said Nasty Things about him.
• His wife was a Known Equestrian.
• At no point did Romney give people any Reason To Vote For Him, and so they didn't.
• Democrats showed decisively that their Ground Game is devastatingly better.
• He did not offer a Specific Agenda.
• His running mate did not laugh enough during his debate with the laughing guy. This was such a tipping point in this campaign and many a Think Tank is currently analyzing the previously unseen benefits to be gained in future debates by laughing, making funny faces and fainting shock and surprise.
• He was Too Forceful.
• He did not respect Voter’s Savvy.
• He could not get the vote from Young People, African-Americans and Hispanics.
• He never seemed to articulate a Clear Rationale for the presidency.
• He should not have picked Paul Ryan. He should have picked a running mate from a more winnable Battleground State.
• He was married to the Same Woman for too long.
• He had an uneven Communications Strategy.
• He allowed himself to be branded as a Corporate Raider.
• He lacked a Specific Vision for the future.
• Hurricane Sandy did him in.
• His campaign was guilty of Poor Media Buying.
• He showed his lifelong Distain for Women by only having Male Offspring.
• He allowed himself to be defined as an Outsourcing Plutocrat who wanted to let Detroit Go Bankrupt.
• He did not talk about People enough.
• He talked about Jobs too much.
• He held squishy positions on Abortion and Same-Sex Marriage.
• He killed his dog by strapping him to the roof of his car. When he did try to answer this contention from 30 years ago his accuser forced him to admit the dog was, in fact, dead and he was left speechless and looking rather callous, confused and incompetent.

The next campaign for president of our formerly great country is going to very interesting indeed. In 2016 the Republicans will be a cinch winner. They will not need to come up with a Catchy Slogan like...

• “Tippecanoe & Tyler Too” (Harrison)
• “Don't Swap Horses in the Middle of the Stream” (Lincoln)
• “He Kept Us Out of War” (Wilson)
• “Let's Get Another Deck” (Landon)
• “Give “Em Hell, Harry” (Truman)
• “I Like Ike” (Eisenhower)
• “In Your Heart You Know He's Right” (Goldwater) ... Rebutted by “In Your Guts You Know He’s Nuts” (Democrats)
• “Nixon Is The One” (Nixon)
• “Change You Can Believe In” (Obama)

It now appears that all the 2016 GOP Candidate needs to say is, “I’m Not Romney”.

Those of you who were hoping the next campaign would not last as long as this past campaign are by now very disappointed because you realize that the 2016 Campaign started on November 7, 2012.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: 2016,Romney,Obama,Election

A Piece of History Straight To You from the Year 1787

At about the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in the year 1787, Alexander Tyler (a Scottish history professor at The University of Edinborough) had this to say about "The Fall of The Athenian Republic" some 2,000 years prior.

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, (which is) always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the world’s greatest civilizations from the beginning of history has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:
From Bondage to spiritual faith;
From spiritual faith to great courage;
From courage to liberty;
From liberty to abundance;
From abundance to complacency;
From complacency to apathy;
From apathy to dependence;
From dependence back into bondage."

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Too Serious A Subject For Foolishness...Or Is It?

If you are offended by Mr. Tyler’s words, you ought not to be. History is historical.  I simply thought Mr. Tyler’s serious words were worth thinking about…by all of us.

For the next posting I will get back to being inspired by the immortal words of Willy Wonka, “A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Alexander Tyler,Democracy,History,Willy Wonka

The End Of War

There are all kinds of justifications for going to war that have been used throughout the history of personkind (formerly known as mankind). Some were gargantuan issues and others were downright silly. All resulted in the deaths of human (now known as huperson) beings. On many occasions the Silly Wars killed more people than did the Gargantuan Wars.
I have a proposal to stop all future wars. It is brilliantly simple...

Require That the Leaders of The About-To-Go-To-War Opponents Sit At A Conference Table And Stick Out Their Tongues At Each Other

This would allow each side to show their absolute disdain for the other side. Once the sticking out was done with and their anger had dissipated they could then go back to governing their minions in peace.
Oh my gosh! I just saw the fly in this brilliant ointment. As logical as it may appear my brilliant plan for world peace will never work.
What if one of the leaders has a tongue that is longer than the other? This would certainly result in anger and the hurling of mean accusations across the Peace Table and the missiles would be launched within minutes.
As The Kingston Trio sang to us so many years ago...

Some tongue will set the spark off and we will all be blown away.

They're rioting in Africa. They're starving in Spain. There’s hurricanes in Florida. And Texas needs rain.

The whole world is festering with unhappy souls. The French hate the Germans. The Germans hate the poles.

Italians hate Yugoslavs. South Africans hate the Dutch. And I don’t like anybody very much.

But we can be tranquil and thankful and proud. For man’s been endowed with a mushroom shaped cloud.

And we know for certain that some lovely day someone has not set the spark off and we will all be blown away.

They’re rioting in Africa. There’s strife in Iran. What nature doesn’t do to us. Will be done by our fellow man.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: War,Kingston Trio,World Peace,Humor

Why Does The Taxing Authority Charge Me Tax On That?

The answer to the question posed in the title of this posting is, “Because they are the Taxing Authority and they can”.

In many respects taxation is only limited by our various governmental agencies’ ability to think of something to tax. I mentioned in a blog posting once before that Medieval European Taxing Authorities once levied a tax on the Windows in their constituent’s homes. The people “rebelled” and started bricking up their windows. I don’t know this for a fact but I do wonder if Ye Ole Medieval Taxing Authority started taxing bricks.

A Sales Tax is...

A tax imposed by the government at the point of sale on retail goods and services.

Or is it?

Enter from stage left The State of California. Why is California special? That’s because these people really know how to tax. They also know how to spend more than they tax. In their small minds this means they need to impose more taxes because they must not have taxed enough in the first place. A good example is the California Cell Phone.

We are all familiar with phone companies selling the actual phones themselves for a reduced price to get customers to sign with them for cell phone service. The phones themselves are, many times, greatly reduced in price. The Californian Minion then pays his 8.25% Sales Tax on the greatly reduced price...Or does he?

There is a bureaucrat in California that got a big bonus because he came up with the idea of charging the sales tax on the real value. In California, if you pay $30 for a $400 phone, you pay tax on $400 ($33) not on $30 ($4.75). That’s almost 7 times more money into California’s Coffers.

Does California even bother to “justify” this tax levy? Actually it does. Their explanation is that the phone company gives this reduced price because they recoup the real value of the phone by requiring the buyer to sign a long term contract. The California Taxing Authority says it is only getting it’s just due (whatever that means).

Want to analyze this “justification” with me for a bit? Think about it. The State of California also charges a Sales Tax on Each Monthly Payment made by the minion. That means California gets it’s just due 8.25% sales tax twice.

Ever wonder why California’s Minions don’t rebel? The reason is they are afraid to make their Taxing Authority mad at them. If they get mad at them, they might raise their taxes or, even worse, impose a Rebellion Tax.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Taxes,Cell Phones,California

Two Prior Postings Because It Is Silly Season Again

What do I mean about “Silly Season”? That’s the Presidential Election Cycle, of course...

First...

Exit Polling

Yea, I understand how they do it but what I don't understand is how they get to, where they get to once they are done doing it.

I could understand...

• 55% say they voted for this guy.
• 45% say they voted for that guy.

It is the specific, exacting and minute detail that I don't understand...

• 42% of the white voters, who went to two years of college, before going on to be left-handed carpenters, voted for this guy.
• 63% of fallen-away Catholics, who have been married three times, where the first and third marriages were to the same person, voted for that guy.
• 54% of those who voted in the 1992 election, but did not vote in the 1996, nor the 2000 election, but returned to the voting booth in the 2004 and, now, voted in this 2008 election, voted for this guy.

Oh well, so much for Secret Balloting.

Would I kid u?

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Second:

My Fondest Wish

There is no way to fully unite a country as large as the United States but my fondest wish would be that all of us refuse to answer any questions from any political pollster about anything political. This would drive the politicians absolutely nuts. Think of the positive results that would come out of an I-Ain't-Gonna-Tell-You-Anything America...

• It would drive the politicians absolutely nuts.
• It would prevent politicians from tweaking their latest campaign pitch to address how the public reacted to their prior campaign pitch.
• They would be forced to tell us what they really plan to do when elected, instead of telling us what they think we want them to do when elected.
• It would drive the politicians absolutely nuts.
• They would be forced to think out their positions and stick with them and hope for the best.
• It would put every polling company out of business. Since they are only interested in what's best for America (yea, right), they would then be free to join the Peace Corps (if such a thing still exists).
• It would drive the politicians absolutely nuts.

One final tirade ... The silliest one is when we are told the results of a poll done by a Democratic or a Republican Pollster. It is strange how the "results" always come out favoring their party's positions. I guess I could be made to believe that the poll did come out in favor of their party's positions but, you will never get me to believe, that any poll that did not favor their party's positions was just not published at all. It's sort of like them saying, "We are going to keep polling the American People until the American People get it right."

Would I kid u?

Our Poor President

Something has to be done about Presidential Campaigning on the Good Ole USofA. It has really gotten out of hand...

“No rest for the campaign weary: Obama is traveling about 5,300 miles today with attempts to win over voters in Iowa, Colorado, a stop in California to talk to Jay Leno, then a stop in Las Vegas before an overnight trip to Florida.”

It’s those darn Battleground States. Something ought to be done. The Smartfella has a recommendation and he just does not understand how anyone could find fault with his plan.

Battleground States are too far apart! This is causing the candidates to frantically race from one to the other, wasting jet fuel and getting greyer by the minute. Here are the Battleground States...

Virginia, North Carolina, Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, Michigan, Wisconsin, Iowa, Colorado & Nevada

Some of you have already discerned from reading my past blog postings that I am going to propose that the Battleground States move closer to each other. Those that came to this conclusion disappoint me. That would be silly. My recommendation is much more logical.

Up in New England there are lots of smaller states all bunched close together. Whoever is in charge of designating Battleground States ought to name these sates Battleground States. The candidates could put on their wind breakers and go campaigning up that a way.

They would be able to flit around to many states each day, save a lot of our precious energy and could probably do their flitting in shuttle busses borrowed from Concord Municipal Airport.

Sometimes I amaze myself.

Don’t ask me how Jay Leno got into the President’s Battleground Frenzied Dash. California is not a Battleground State. I guess it’s because they are too busy raising taxes on themselves, demonstrating against something or other, surfing and watching fellow Californians move out of the state to pay any attention to national politics.

I may not know how Jay Leno got a visit from the president but, one thing I do know, David Letterman is mad as hell.

Would I kid u?

If Frank Sinatra Would Be Starting Out Today, He Would Be Banned From Altoona and All Places In Between

What a Great Performer! What a Great Singer!

The above praise for Frank Sinatra is acknowledged by almost everyone who ever saw him perform or certainly who ever heard him sing. I am here to contend that, if Frank Sinatra was trying to make it in the world of modern entertainment, he would be protested, boycotted and his career would be over before it began. 

Have I got you interested? Have I got you confused? If you do not see what I am getting at, again you disappoint me. I could just allow you to wallow in your ignorance but that would be cruel and the Smartfella is never cruel.

It’s the lyrics of his songs! In his day his lyrics were catchy, nifty and cool. Today they are not acceptable because they would not be Politically Correct...

Ø The Lady is a Tramp
Need I saw more? This song alone would have allowed us to stick a fork in him because he would have been done!

Ø One for My Baby and One More for the Road
Can’t you just see that scathing headline?... “Skinny newcomer with ambitions to be the next Big Thing was run out of town last night for advocating Drinking and Driving!”

Ø My Mama done told me.
When I was in knee pants.
My Mama done told me, son.
A woman’s a two face.
A worrisome thing who’ll leave you to sing the blues in the night.
What was he thinking? “A woman’s a two face!?” That would never be acceptable today!

Regarding Frank Sinatra’s The Lady is a Tramp lyric... Ole Blue Eyes was known as a tough guy. He took no guff from anyone. Even ole blue eyes, tough guy, no guff Sinatra did concede that he could not fight this battle in his later years. He changed this lyric to The Lady is a Champ. J

Sinatra is gone but all is not lost because we do have Lady Gaga. That is enough of an entertainer for any of us... Or is it?

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

Flag Football Anyone?

As a public service to my dear readers I am stating at the beginning of this Foolishness...Or Is It ... This Is About Football.

If you have no interest in anything that bounces, especially a football, stop reading immediately and go do something really useful like sending out a tweet about that peanut butter and jelly sandwich you are about to eat.

We are a society driven by trends and happenings. A single instance of something can result in massive Regulations and Restrictions and the imposition of fines for violation of the Regulations and Restrictions. Once established, fines go on forever.

Forever is a long time. Many times we even forget what it was that caused the Regulations and Restrictions to be imposed in the first place.

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Hysteria Surrounding Football Injuries

I admit upfront that I do not know how to prevent serious injury in the sport of football. Injury and football go together. If you were to look up “collision” in the dictionary, you will see a little picture of a football right next to it. (Don’t waste your time looking up “collision” in your dictionary. I made this silliness up but, if the little picture were there, it would be there.)

Here is a list of the fines I saw reported in a recent weekend of this current NFL Season...

• Four Helmet To Helmet Contacts Fines.
• A Striking in the Head or Neck Fine.
• A Kicking Fine...
  >Must be for kicking something other than the football. I am almost certain that it is still OK to kick the football...Or is It?
  >“Houston DE Antonio Smith says he was been fined $21,000 for kicking guard Ricjie Incognito, (a member of the Anonymous Family) who was not disciplined.”
  >This shows how all encompassing the NFL’s mania about fining has become. Someone felt obligated to make sure we knew that the person who was kicked was not fined. Are they really considering fining the kickee?
• A Horse Collar Fine.
• A Roughing Fine…
  >Silly me. I thought being kind of rough on the opponent was part of football.
• Two Unnecessary Roughness Fines...
  >Now I am really confused. The fine in the bullet point above was for Roughness. This fine is for Unnecessary Roughness. Does it not seem to you that, if you were rough enough to get a fine for roughness, then it must have been “Unnecessary”?

The Bottom Line is there were $139,125 total fines to 10 players.

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I Feel I must Say More about Helmet To Helmet Contacts...

• Defensive players are fined if they make contact with their helmet on an offensive player’s helmet.
• Players are running, jumping, squirming, dodging, faking, weaving and flying through the air at each other.
• After the defender leaves the ground, the person about to be hit often moves.
• As a result of that movement he just might place his helmet in the flying-through-the-air-path of defensive player’s flying helmet.
• Hey Mr. Commissioner, have you noticed that the offensive player is not stationary?
• Come on, man, he is trying to get away!
• Should he not be fined for trying to get away?
• Should he not be fined for placing his helmet in the path of the defensive player’s helmet?

At an absolute minimum the commissioner should require the running, jumping, squirming, dodging, faking and/or weaving offensive player to stand still so that the defensive player can take proper aim.

If we used to be able to put a man on the moon, we ought to be able to get a football player to stand still...Or ought we?

Would I kid u?

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Lagniappe: If Full Contact Football is replaced by Flag Football, don’t be surprised if the Regulators get to work quickly on changing the game. I can see the first regulation already...

If any player, after having successfully removed the flag from an opponent’s waistband, drops it on the playing field there will be a $95 fine imposed by the Commissioner for Littering.

Gasoline Prices Are Going Down A Little Bit For A Little Bit

It must be very discouraging for anyone who is not me to realize that you are not as observant as I am. Did I spike your interest? Did I get your dander (whatever that is) up? Mission accomplished. That means you are going to continue reading this Foolishness...Or Is It.

Since I am so observant I have taken note of a phenomenon that has been wasting gasoline All Summer Long. Now you are about to know what I know because I am going to tell you what I observed that you did not observe.

Our society is obsessed with an ongoing and growing compulsion to be in constant communication with everyone about everything. Because of this compulsion many of us have taken up the habit of sitting in our cars texting after we arrive at shopping centers before we go in to buy our stuff or as we get ready to leave shopping centers after we have bought our stuff.

Because we are used to constant air conditioned comfort, we have to keep our car Air Conditioning Systems running while we text, tweet or email (email is for those of us who are old fashioned). We are using gasoline but we are not driving anywhere while we use our gasoline.

That, my fellow Americans, is wasteful. That, my fellow Americans, is why the price of gasoline has been going up all summer long.

This is the time of year when it is more pleasant in the parking lots of the Good Ole USofA. Now is the time when we can sit and text, tweet or email and not have to run our air conditioning systems. Now is the time when the price of gasoline can go down.

This situation won’t last long because it is turning colder by the day. It won’t be long before it will be too cold to leave the windows open and the texting people, twits and emailing people will have to turn on their Heating Systems and we will be right back to wasting gasoline again.

This lack of demand for gasoline should cause the price to go down but it probably will not happen. What do you want to bet that the evil people who control the price of our gasoline will get together in their formerly smoke-filled rooms and decide that the dip in demand is so short-lived that they might as well ignore the dip and leave those high gasoline prices up there?

This way they will not have to bother changing the prices outside their gas stations. Since they do not have to change those numbers they will concentrate more on filling our tires, pumping our gas and cleaning off our windshields...Or will they?

Would I kid u?

Is A Pumpkin Emergency An Emergency?

In many parts of the world today people are blowing themselves up so they can blow up those people standing around them. If we could reassemble a bomber’s body parts and interview him, he would probably say that the now dead people that happened to be standing next to him deserve to be blown up because of what their ancestors did to his ancestors back in the year 1156. (More proof that I’m not responsible for all the Foolishness in the world today).

But in the Good Ole USofA we have real problems...

Starbucks is having a very difficult time keeping up with our demand for Pumpkin Spice Lattes!

There you go thinking I made another silly bit of foolishness up but again you are wrong. Actually I am having less and less need to make anything up. The crazy world we live in is sillier than anything the Smartfella could come up with.

Here is the kind of thing that has been happening at Starbucks Locations in recent days...

• A disappointed Latte Seeker left a Starbucks in Manhattan saying he had a bitter taste in his mouth and said he was depressed.
• Baristas are hitting the streets searching for stashes of the Pumpkin Flavored Sauce necessary for Pumpkin Spice Lattes at other Starbucks stores.
• Customers denied their fix are tweeting their dismay.
• A Lexington, KY twit tweeted, “My world almost ended this morning when the local Starbucks told me they were out of Pumpkin Spice Lattes.”
• Back in Manhattan a Barista said her customers have grown emotional on days when she has run out of the Special Pumpkin Sauce. This girl has spunk. She was quoted as saying, “They go crazy. I tell them, you guys do know this is just a drink, right?”
• The desperation is such that many frenzied customers have turned to a powdered version of the latte.
• Stores are now running out of the powdered stuff too and prices are shooting up on the secondary market. An eBay auction has been set up and $6.95 boxes of the powdery blend are selling for $17.
• Some store operators are actually hesitant to get in new product because they fear renewed anger from customers when the limited supplies run out.
• McDonalds has employed a similar limited time marketing strategy with their McRib Sandwich which caused some of their customers to drive as long as 10 hours to hunt them down.
• I’ll finish up these bullets with a quote from a disappointed latte seeker, “A terrible tragedy happened. I placed my order, and the barista informed me that they were out. I was so distraught.”

There are people in our country in real trouble during the dire economic situation we find ourselves in today...Can’t pay their mortgage, Can’t find a job, People are homeless, Gas prices are shooting up, etc.

Contrast the above real problems with the Pumpkin Spice Latte Seekers Imitation Problems as exemplified by the words used in the bullet points above...Disappointed, Bitter Taste, Depressed, Dismay, World Almost Ended, Emotional, Desperation, Frenzied, Prices Shooting Up On Powdery Blend, Renewed Anger, A Terrible Tragedy And Distraught.

I could make their angst all go away with one tidbit of information. There is no actual Pumpkin in a Pumpkin Spice Latte. There is instead a “Pumpkin-Flavored Syrup” which is made up of Natural and Artificial Pumpkin Spice Flavor.

If they knew the true ingredients of a Pumpkin Spice Latte, they would go back to drinking Dr Pepper...Or would they?

Would I kid u?

My Visit To The Beach

I am often asked by people who are contemplating retirement, “What do you do with your time?” I give many different answers because I do many different things.

If I were asked this question today I would probably tell them, “I visit places”. This would be my current answer because I just spent more than a week Visiting The Beach (Panama City Beach, FL).

“My Visit To The Post Office” posting in June 2009 was one of my all time greats. If you care to reminisce with the Smartfella, click on the link below...

http://forii.blogtownhall.com/2009/06/18/my_visit_to_the_post_office.thtml

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As I said, I was at the beach for more than a week. There is no way I can be anywhere for more than a week and not generate a Foolishness...Or Is It?

My Visit to the Beach Observations

• Walking Phones: Only 3 of every 10 women walking along the beach are not talking on their cell phones.
• Bonding While Walking With Phones: I made a big mistake one day. I saw two women walking together and both were talking on their phones. I could not help myself. I rushed up to them and tried to explain that they were losing a great opportunity for solidifying their friendship. Instead of talking to each other they were ignoring each other and talking on their phones. They looked at me with distain and, if looks could kill, I would have been dead. In unison they put me in my place by saying, “We were talking to each other!” As I said, I made a big mistake. I should have known.
• Dolphins Are Smart...Or Are They?: Dolphins are supposed to be very smart. I watched them every day and I now contend they are rather dumb. First they swim to the west and then they swim to the east...All Day Long. It looks to me like they can’t make up their minds. Does that sound smart to you?
• Noah Made 2 Big Mistakes: Being from Louisiana I have often thought ill of Noah for taking those 2 mosquitoes on his boat. Several times during my visit to the beach I again thought ill of the old boy. He should have left those 2 Sand Flies off his boat also.
• Hiding In The Middle Of the Beach: When I was on the beach I liked to smoke Parodis (small, hard, ugly, cheap, Italian cigars). I got way back from the water’s edge in order to minimize the possibility of a law suit. As soon as I lit up people as far away as 75 yards would stand up out of their beach chairs and start sniffing and looking around for the source of the cigar smoke. What really baffled me was this 75 Yard Odor Detection Radius works both downwind and upwind. How is that possible?
• This is intended for the men reading this posting...I’ll Let You Know When All Is Lost: My always observant beach watching eyes are here to tell you that women now have as many tattoos as men do. Women do still have exclusive ownership of those Low Down Center of the Back Right Above the Butt Tattoos. If ever men start getting tattooed in this area, I’ll send an email and let y’all know. When you get that email from me consider yourself officially notified All Is Lost. You can stick a fork in the male of the species because We Are Done.

If you have not had too much of me and my visits, click below and enjoy (?) my Second Visit To The Post Office in July 2010...

http://forii.blogspot.com/2010/07/another-visit-to-post-office.html

Would I kid u?

They Are All Dying

Have you browsed through the Obituary Page lately? As is to be expected old people dominate the list of the recently deceased.

This means the percentage of people with strange names is growing. The reason for this is the recent unexplainable penchant modern parents have for misspelling old names. The Correctly Spelled Named People are dying off and the New Misspelled Named People are growing by leaps and bounds...

• James has become Jymes.
• Tyler has become Ty-ler.
• William has become Will.i.am.
• Sidney has become Cydney.
• Jasmine has become Jazzmin.

I know I have lamented the awfulness of modern names before but when I do my re-laments I have a different way of looking at them. Let your mind wander with my wandering mind for a moment. Here is what is going to happen about 100 years from now...

• This misspelling of names craze is going to have run its course.
• Parents are naming their children names they read about in history books...James, Tyler, William, Sidney and Jasmine.

That’s the good news. The bad news is the campaign to get rid of Schoolyard Bullies which began in the early part of the 21^st century has been a 100 year failure. The bullies are still out there and they are still beating up kids in schoolyards all over the Good Ole USofA. Why are they beating their fellow schoolmates you ask? The bullies are pounding on them because they have funny names like James, Tyler, William, Sidney and Jasmine.

The other good news is this means there still will be a Good Ole USofA 100 years from now...Or will there be?

Would I kid u?

Television Shows Come To Us Out Of Ruts

I am of mind to think that the word “hit” is being abused by our Television Networks. Have you ever noticed that the Promos for the new shows often say something like...

Thursday at 9 central time, be sure to see the new hit comedy of the fall season.

That is not such a strange promo but the fact that the first episode is still 3 weeks away makes me wonder how they can legitimately call it is a “Hit”.
We also see the phenomenon repeated every year where a TV Show becomes a “hit” and immediately every network has one or two shows just like the original “hit show”.
When did this copy cat phenomenon actually begin? Did it start with Reality Shows? I am not sure if they were the catalyst but, since I mentioned them, I will expound on them in this Foolishness...Or Is It?

I Do Not Think That Reality Shows Are Reality

If you care to comment on this blog posting and tell me I am all wet about this, have at it but you will never get me to believe that that man crawling across the desert dying of thirst is dying of thirst. If he were really dying, one of those 7 cameramen filming his every crawled inch would surely give him a drink of water.
At present we have a rash of shows that start with the word “The”...

The View, The Chat, The Chew, The Five, The Talk, The Doctors, The Voice

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I have spies all over the world. My sources tell me that Pope Benedict XVI has decided to become the first Pope to resign without first having to die.
He is especially disillusioned because he goes to great effort to visit many different countries and prepares very inspiring speeches which he hopes will go a long way toward making the world we live in a better place. However, his messages are never reported in the news. The only things ever reported in the news are that he went on a trip and he kissed the ground when he got off his Pope Plane. His messages of hope and inspiration are World Wide Well Kept Secrets.
If you think about this for a minute, you will realize that this is not Foolishness.
There is one exception to this Papal Information Ban. If he gets shot, that will make the 24 Hour News Cycle.
He will be relocating to California. He is really excited and has already bought a Puka Shell Necklace and 3 pairs of White Flip Flops.
What’s he going to do in California, you ask? Don’t you see it coming? He is going to have a Daytime Television Talk Show. It’s going to be called...

The Pope

Would I kid u?

Spreading Discontent Whenever Possible

Our News Media is at it ... again.

Anyone who follows professional football is well aware of the gargantuan contract that Drew Brees has signed. He is now receiving $100,000,000 for 5 years. That may be chump change to members of our 16% Approval Rated Congress but to us folks back home on Main Street gathered around our kitchen tables balancing our meager budgets this is a lot of money.

I keep reading that this is the highest contract for a player in the history of the NFL. There is so much hype about how big it is that I figured it was far and away the biggest contract ever. However, I just read where Peyton Manning is making $96,000,000 with the Denver Broncos over 5 years.

This is the kind of red meat that a member of our National Hysteria Media is going to find hard to resist. I can just picture an interview with poor ole Peyton Manning as the interviewer probes for muck with questions such as these...

• Do you see Brees’ bigger contract as a personal insult?
• It has been reported by an anonymous source who went to elementary school with you who has not seen you in 27 years that deep down you feel that Brees got his larger contract because the Saint’s Ownership feels sorry for him because he has a birth mark on his face. Do you wish you had a birth mark on your face?
• Are your children ashamed of you and your failure to reach the absolute pinnacle of your chosen profession?
• Are your children made fun of at school?
• Is it true your wife is going through therapy because other grocery shoppers are reported to be openly laughing at her as she walks past them at her local Whole Foods?

If you think I have gone too far and you are having a hard time believing me on this one, you should know that you are required to believe all my Football Related Foolishness because on September 17, 1967 I had a one game job as a security guard for Pinkerton Detective Agency when the Saints played their first regular season game. (I was desperate. I did not have a ticket.)

If you can’t believe a former Pinkerton Security Guard, who can you believe?

Would I kid u?

Lagniappe: Regarding the 0 and 3 Saints...We’ll get ‘em next year because next year they will all be a year older and slower.

The Greatest Crime Today

Want to give Smartfella your opinion? Here is a multiple choice question for you to pick what you think is the Greatest Crime Today...

1. Murder

2. Sexual Molestation of Children

3. A Ponzi Scheme by an Evil Wall Street Awful Person

Charles Ponzi 1910 Mug Shot

Whichever one you picked from my list you named the wrong crime. The answer was not offered to you in any of these multiple choice selections. OK it was an unfair multiple choice. Sue me.

What is the true answer? Think about the Nightly News for a moment. It will surely to come to you. I can’t believe you are not seeing the obvious!

The Most Horrific Crime Today Is Offending Someone.

If you offend someone here is what is sure to happen...

• Jaws drop.
• All conversation stops. (Just like one of those old E. F. Hutton commercials.)
• If you do this dastardly deed in a room with 10 people in it, within moments, 3 of the 10 will have dialed 911 on their ever present smart phones and moments later a Swat Team will knock down the door.

OK, I exaggerated again... Or did I?

Would I kid u?

Lagniappe:

It is hard for me to broach a subject without recalling that I had been broaching around in this same area of Silliness before.

What goes hand in hand with Offending Someone? Now I know you are really sharp because you just said to yourself, “The Heartfelt Apology”!

Here are a couple of my Apology Musings in one single link from my past blogging. (Wow! I’ve come a long way. Now I’m into musings.)

Click Here: http://forii.blogspot.com/2011/06/two-postings-that-prove-i-am-ahead-of.html

Close But No Cigar

Since we are not allowed to smoke cigars anywhere else except inside a burlap bag in our backyards behind the compost heap, are we still allowed to say, “Close but No Cigar”?

OK, I understand that cigars are out and will not make a comeback unless and until Angelina Jolie starts puffing on cigars. Having accepted the fact that I am out of touch, sometimes I simply feel uneasy with the way us modern people do modern things like...

“You did your best. That’s all that matters. Here is a trophy.”

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Coming close is good in a horseshoe pitching contest. Too bad coming close does not seem to be very important when it comes to our Federal Government Expenditure Forecasting before they take action on our behalf.

Here is a very fine example of that which I speak. (In order to not upset those of you who are of the Liberal Persuasion or those of you who have Conservative Leanings, I will be cagey about this one and remove references to the actual bill I am talking about)...

Regarding something called the Jalapeno Intensity Disclosure Requirements

Is that cagey enough?

What has drawn my attention to this very important issue is the estimate of the Cost to Businesses that this Disclosure Requirements are going to generate.

Here is the latest cost estimate. I gathered this information from a major national newspaper...

The Securities and Exchange Commission sharply raised its estimate of the rule’s financial impact, saying it would cost companies a total of $3 billion (remember that’s 3 Thousand Million Dollars) to $4 billion (remember that’s 4 Thousand Million Dollars) upfront, plus more than $200 million (remember that’s 200 thousand thousand dollars) a year.

The SEC initially had said the cost of compliance would be just $71 million (I’m not sure it is legal to use the word “just” with $71 million).

The SEC said it revised its estimate based on comments from the business community and others.

I know the Smartfella is not as smart as any single member of our Congress but may I be so bold to say that maybe Congress should have gotten those comments from “the business community and others” before they passed this legislation?

Our Representatives who voted for this measure did so under the false pretenses of what it would cost to comply with the measure. The Actual Cost of Compliance is nowhere near the Extremely Unstated Estimated Cost. Should they not scrap the whole bill and vote over?

Let’s see if I can hit you closer to home...

You set up for Direct Draw on your checking account for your electricity bill. The Power Company sends you your monthly Email Notification telling you they are going to draw $86.89 for the latest month. A charge appears on your bank statement for $4,895.21 (That’s the same percentage increase as Congress missed this one by based on the $4 billion number).

You call up to question the charge and you are told, “We decided to take more”.

Would I kid u?

Lagniappe: I’m sorry this posting was so long and complicated. I could not help myself. There is a lot of Foolishness pent up inside me and inside our 16% Approval Rated Congress.

Undeniable Everyday Facts Of Life

Pills Have Eyes...

Ø If you drop a pill on the floor, it will roll under the most difficult object to retrieve it back from.

Ø Pills do have limitations because they cannot roll indefinitely but they will definitely roll directly to the hardest place to get them back from that is within their rolling radius.

Ø The more expensive the pill is the further it will roll under the hard to retrieve from place.

Men Are Different From Women...

Ø More men than women drop their smart phones in the toilet.

Ø Do you understand why that is?

Ø If you don’t, think about it for a second or two, it will come to you.

Sand Crawls...

Ø Everyone who has been to the beach for a picnic knows that sand crawls.

Ø What some of you may not fully realize is how quickly sand crawls.

Picture This In Your Mind’s Eye (Whatever that is)

You go out on the beach with your picnic basket full of wonderful picnic stuff...

Ø Of course, there are ham sandwiches in there.

Ø You set up your picnic very quickly because you are desperate to get those ham sandwiches before it is too late.

Ø You frantically spread out your blanket, open your lawn chair, sit down and grab a ham sandwich to take your first delicious bite.

Ø It does not take too many chews to realize that you did not act fast enough.

Ø There is sand inside your ham sandwich.

Crawling sand is why I have always preferred mountain vacations because bears never crawl inside ham sandwiches.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Our Congress Has No Guts

If I had the inclination, I could do a lot of research to conclusively prove the title of this posting. I don’t have that inclination but I will pass on to you, my dear readers, One Fine Example.

Jerusalem is in the news all the time but recently it is more newsworthy because of the controversy about whether or not Jerusalem is the Capital of Israel.

Back in 1995 our courageous Congress stepped into the fray and took a position that is much to be admired...Or did it?

Here is what I just stumbled across (otherwise known as research)...

In 1995 a measure was passed by Congress which stated that the United States Embassy in Israel must be moved to Jerusalem, because Jerusalem is the Capital of Israel...

Did you take note of the underlined word “must”? That takes guts. That is a firm position, if ever there was one.

Oops, the late Paul Harvey just walked up behind me and said I must tell you, The Rest of the Story. I always do what Mr. Harvey tells me because he travels such a long way to be with me. I will repeat the above bolded words with The Rest of the Story added on...

In 1995 a measure was passed by Congress which stated that the United States Embassy in Israel must be moved to Jerusalem, because Jerusalem is the Capital of Israel...but allowed Presidents to waive this requirement.

There you have it. One Fine Example of how our Congress takes “firm positions”.

Next time you see one of these Foghorns standing in Congress lamenting the fact that the current president (whichever current one is currently current) is demanding too much power, remember my One Fine Example

Would I kid u?

Celebrity Brains (Including Royal Brains) Are Not Real Bright

Smart...

If Celebrities want nude picture of themselves on Internet, they are pretty smart because they know everyone around them has a Phone with Photo and Movie Making Capability in their pockets and their nudity is going to go viral (whatever that means).

Not Smart...

If Celebrities do not want nude picture of themselves on Internet, they are pretty dumb because they should know everyone around them has a Phone with Photo and Movie Making Capability in their pockets and their nudity is going to go viral (whatever that means).

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While the third in line to the throne of England may be a prince of a guy, he must fall into the Not Smart Category listed above.

I have not seen or heard of any reaction from the prince himself to his royal unclothedness flying all over the World Wide Web but, if he is surprised, he should not be.

What was he thinking? Better said, was he thinking? Do these people say to themselves such things as...

“Self, I’m going to walk into that bank in broad daylight with my bus driver’s uniform on which has my name badge on my breast pocket and take all the money that is in that bank. Then I’m going to make my getaway in my purple SUV with my name written all over it (from the last time I ran for Congress). I’m going to be rich because no one is going to tell the police it was me that stole all that money.”

At this point in this bit of foolishness I find myself wishing Forest Gump had never been invented. If he had not beaten me to it, I could coin the nifty and absolutely true phrase, “Stupid Is As Stupid Does”.

Would I kid u?