Oh Come On, Grandpa, You Are Making That Up!

Young people are not old people. If we tell them about long ago, we bore them. If we tell them about a short time ago we not only bore them but we shock ourselves that they are completely unknowing about what we consider recent history. Some of these things are too new to be history.

I am going to list some of these, Oh Come On, Grandpa, You Are Making That Ups for you to ponder. I am willing to bet that any “old” person reading this Foolishness...Or Is It? (if there is anyone reading this Foolishness...Or Is It?) will be able to expand this list quite easily...
• Telephones handsets used to have cords on them that prevented a talker from straying too far away from the telephone box.
• When a long distance call was received absolute panic set it. The phone company had a set price for the first three minutes. There was a charge for going over three minutes and what that charge was was one of the great unknowns because no one ever went over three minutes. The person who answered the phone would shout, “Long Distance!” and also shout out the name of whomever the call was for. The family member whose name had been shouted out would come running, grabbed the phone and talked very fast while keeping an eye on the clock. Keeping an eye on the clock was not necessary because the caller (the person paying for the three minutes) was certainly keeping an eye on the clock on his end. The caller also had his finger on the hang-up button and there was no way that call was going to go one second over the “free” three minutes.
• There used to be telephone booths everywhere where phone calls could be made from a pay phone (what’s a pay phone?), homeless people used the phone booths as rest rooms and Superman changed into his flying costume in these handy changing rooms.
• Cell phones did not exist.
• Before cell phones, people used to drive with both hands on the steering wheel.
• Postage stamps had glue on the back and we used to lick the back with our wet tongues.
• Before GPS, we got cross country using paper road maps that we got from gas stations for free.
• When we bought gas we were given gifts for buying the gas which was 17 cents a gallon.
• Every time we wanted to change a TV channel we had to get up out of our chair and twist the knob by hand.
• If a knee, heart, hip, eye, rotator cuff, kidney or any such thing went bad we did not get another one we had to just bear with it.
• Dogs and cats were free and we got them from our neighbors.
• We had to open the garage door by hand (if we had a garage). This included when we returned home. This included when we returned home in the rain.
• Each family had one and only one car.
• Car side windows, sliding side doors and tailgates had to be opened by hand.
• Post Office clerks smiled at us.
• Birthdays meant ice cream, cake, a single present and you aunts, uncles and cousins came over to celebrate. They did not walk in asking, “How come we did not go to Chuck E. Cheese this year?”
• In church on Sunday, when it came time for the collection, the sound of jingling coins filled the church. Everyone was getting prepared to drop in their nickels and dimes. Today we drop in paper bills and paper checks. They do not jingle. I miss that sound.

Would I kid u?

Snow Flakes Are Out To Get You!

According to a published newspaper article there is bacteria in snowflakes. This is alarming news! I, a highly capable creator of Foolishness, am ready to describe to you the future. Knowing what is to come will permit you to better prepare yourself to protect your loved ones. Listed below are news stories we are sure to see...

• Eight-year-old arrested and taken to jail for throwing a snowball at an unsuspecting playmate.
• Research has shown that ingesting a mere 3,217,412 snowflakes is the equivalent of drinking 17 gallons of milk from a Chernobyl Cow.
• Parents have their three children removed by Social Services for allowing their driveway to remain snow covered for 48 hours.
• The tiny hamlet of Winnewaka, Minnesota is the first to construct Covered Snow-Deflector Walkways from every one of their school bus stops to every one of their school bus delivered children’s front doors.

Image via Wikipedia 

Demonstrations are increasing throughout the country for similar action to be taken by other local municipalities. Protesting parents in Whatize, New York were interviewed and their responses below show how dire they regard SnowflakeGate to be...

• “If Winnewaka can do it, why can’t we do it?” 
• “Are our children not as precious as Winnewaka’s children?” 
• “I see no recourse but to recall our useless mayor and every one of his cronies on the city council.”

You probably think I am over reacting. Go ahead and mock me. I am telling you now that I will expect an EOA (Email of Apology) from each of you when my predictions come to fruition.

Would I kid u?

Do You Understand The Charges Against You?

Judge To Defendant,

Do You Understand The Charges Against You?

Defendant To Judge, Huh?

None of us want to go to jail. That being said, there is a pretty good chance that some who are in jail do not know why they are in jail.

Below are actual crimes I have read about in the newspaper...
• A Church Was Set Afire ... The charge was, “Use of fire to commit a felony”. (What happened to tried and true Arson?)
• Another Church Was Set Afire ... The charge was, “Damage or destruction to religious property”. (Kind of makes one think that, if it were not religious property and just plain ole property, no crime would have been committed.)
• Our City Hall Was Spray Painted ... The charge was, “Interference with government property”. (What happened to Vandalism? Sort of sounds like one of those big columns in front of City Hall wanted to move to the other side of the building to get out of the sun and somebody blocked its way.)
• Murder ... the charge was, “Malicious Murder”. (If the murder was not malicious, might the dead person still be alive?)

I bet that some of you are still thinking I make these things up. If I made them up, they would be foolish but they would not be this silly. There is a distinction. Just don’t ask me to explain the distinction.

Would I kid u?

Is It Possible That Mamma And Daddy Were Wrong?

When I was growing up my parents told me to save my money (if and when I ever started acquiring money). I listened and to this day believe they were right.

As a newly married couple in the U.S. Army and making $222.22 per month and we started saving $50 each month. Get your calculator out and check out my figuring...That was 22.5%.

How many young couples are saving 22.5% of their salary today? If there are any, they may be in a heap of trouble because they are not doing their part to stimulate the economy.

I did a blog posting in the past about my “obligation” to spend my money to keep the economy going. As usual, my tongue was very deeply in my cheek but now this issue seems to be getting very serious!

I have been noticing recent news commentary attacking the once time honored American practice of SAVING MONEY. They have started to paint saving as an evil unto itself that must be stopped.

Here comes my Foolishness...Or Is It?...

Are we about to see some or all of the following?

• News Lead In...

Peter Fernerke was arrested today in Ohio for saving more that the Federally Mandated Maximum Allowed Percent of his take-home pay.

• A Public Service Announcement...

Citizens, remember to do your duty for the common good and spend as much of your salary as is necessary to keep America humming along. If you don’t know how much is enough, go to http://www.yourpart.gov/ and consult the Recommended Minimum Spending Table. Any amount spent in excess of the Recommended Minimum will be appreciated by a grateful nation and your 9% Approval Rating Congress.

• Live Concert...

Image via WikipediaThe Hollywood Celebrity you most admire (whoever that is) is asking you to attend this Saturday’s live concert, No More Saving Over The Limit. There will be one held in every town in America of over twenty-five people. Bring the excess saving you have been squirreling away in violation of the Recommended Minimum Spending Table. No questions will be asked about where you have been hiding your money. Jimmy Carter will be stationed at each dumping box to personally shake your hand and thank you for doing your part. Come clean for America before they come and get you.

Ok I got carried away again. However, I would like to ask you to do one thing after I went to all the trouble to peck out this Foolishness. Start taking note of every time you hear or read about the “evils” of saving money. It may surprise you how dead serious my Foolishness turns out to be.

Would I kid u?

I Was Once A Popular Word

Whatever happened to the word “million(s)”?

Here is a recent interview conducted by www.what’sgoingonincongresstoday.com ...

What’s Going On In Congress Today Guy: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to come in for this interview today.

Used To Be A Popular Word Guy: It is my pleasure but, actually, I did not have much to do anyway.

WGOICT Guy: Well, you certainly have jumped right into the heart of the reason for this interview. Can you tell us what happened to make you so little used, or dare I say, downright unpopular?

UTBAPW Guy: At first it was a slow process. Every time the citizens of the United States turned around our elected representatives in Congress were using my name. They would say, “A million dollars for this or 200 million dollars for that and then the word(s) “million(s)” disappeared from their vocabulary. They started saying, “A billion dollars for this or 200 billion dollars for that” and they completely forgot they had ever heard of the word(s) “million(s)”.

WGOICT Guy: Was it a gradual process?

UTBAPW Guy: At first it was but almost overnight the process has accelerated in recent years. Now it is as if they never knew of my existence.

WGOICT Guy: Don’t you see any hope that you will make a comeback or are you on a slippery slope to oblivion?

UTBAPW Guy: There was a time that I thought there was hope for my continued usage but now I think the latter fate that you just mentioned in your question is my sad future.

WGOICT Guy: What was it that gave you hope?

UTBAPW Guy: Members of Congress used to say things like, “One billion 500 million” but now they just say, “One and a half billion” or “One point five billion”. There is no longer any reference to the word(s) “million(s)” in their pontifications.

WGOICT Guy: I must admit that this is a sadder story than I anticipated when I originally set up this interview. What are you going to do now?

UTBAPW Guy: Sorry to ruin your day but I have to tell it like it is. What am I going to do? I see my path as clear as the look of compassion on your face. I am going to slide into the Ash Heap of History and see if I can find General MacArthur. He is still fading away down there somewhere. He might remember me. He might understand what has happened to me ... or will he?

Would I kid u?

Banquettes and Eggs

Our News Media is going berserk, again. Currently they are acting as if what we are being subjected to has never happened before ... or has it?

What am I talking about? Excuse me but I thought all of you already knew. It’s the Heat! Heat stories dominate the news on the opening of every broadcast. They are acting as if it has never gotten hot before. I find myself shouting at the TV, “Don’t you know it’s Summer Time!”

Sometimes I wonder about myself, shouting like that. I actually know the TV can’t hear me but I do it anyway. I’m sure glad I am the only person who knows I shout at TVs.

You may find this hard to believe but, when I was growing up, we had summers every year.

I grew up in New Orleans. Harkening back to our French Heritage we used to call (maybe still do) a sidewalk a “banquette” (bank-it). I can remember my father saying, “It is so hot out there you can fry an egg on the banquette.”

One day I decided to see if my father knew of which he spoke. I got one of my mother’s eggs out of the ice box (now known as a refrigerator) and went out and cracked it on the banquette and it actually did fry.

That must have been a big day in my growing up because I remember this incidence so well and I can almost smell the egg and banquette aroma coming up to my little nostrils.

Cracking eggs on the banquette was fun and educational but shouting at TVs is neither. Next time I get the urge to shout at the TV, I ought to go take a walk on the banquette. Actually I have thought about doing just that but have not done so as of yet because it is so hot out there.

Would I kid u?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You The Age Of...

Over time we have had the Bronze Age, the Age of Enlightenment, the Iron Age, the Dark Ages, the Renaissance Period, the Industrial Revolution, the Stone Age and various other Ages and Periods scattered about. The time in which we now live just may end up being called the Age of Finger Pointing.

There are a lot of “fixes” out there but the Smartfella? thinks these “fixes” just may be the same “fix” over and over. Here are a few examples...

• Cut the other guy’s salary ... not my salary. I need the money.
• Raise the tax on cigarettes ... I don’t smoke.
• Raise the other guy’s taxes ... not my taxes. I need the money.
• Pay for my health insurance ... not his health insurance. He can afford it.
• Cut the other guy’s pay increase ... not my pay increase. I need the money.
• Cut the other company’s budget ... not my company’s budget. We need the money.
• Increase my tax refund ... not his tax refund. He already has enough stuff. I need the money.
• Lower my taxes ... not his taxes. He is rich and, if he were not rich, I would be rich.

Come to think of it, “they” may be right about “them”. Everyone knows that “they” cause all our problems ... or do they?

Would I kid u?

Protecting Our Children Can Be Dangerous To Our Children

The first time I saw a baby being strapped into a car seat backwards and all alone in the rear seat, I said to myself, “Self, this can’t be good.”

We now have had a decade or so of this experiment in Childhood Confusion and the chickens are coming home to roost.

I just read an article which is reporting a serious Children Behavioral Abnormality (otherwise known as CBA). It seems children are doing things backwards and we, as a society, don’t seem to know what to do about it.

Here are a few CBAs that demonstrate how serious this situation is...

The Alphabet...

• First Graders are now unable to recite the twenty-six letters of the alphabet starting with A B C.
• They start with Z Y X and end up at the letter A.
• The good news is they can recite their Backwards Alphabet very well and the ole A B C Jingle that we know and love is alive and well, but backwards.

 The Great American Pastime...

• Baseball Little League coaches are having a very difficult time getting their pitchers to throw the baseball from the pitcher’s mound to home plate.
• They want to throw to second base.
• Tom Hanks said in that girlie baseball movie, “There’s no crying in baseball.”
• Actually crying is rampant in Little League Baseball nowadays but it is the coaches that are doing the crying.

Basketball...

• There is a Pee Wee Basketball player in Indiana, of all places, who keeps shooting on wrong end of court.
• He does alright in practice and for much of the actual games he plays in but, when the game is on the line and his adrenalin gets to flowing, he starts putting the ball into his opponent’s goals.
• The Coach is, however, hesitant to try and turn him around. Sports Illustrated quotes the coach as saying, “The kid is really good. He makes a very high percent of his shot attempts.”

There was some speculation that our 9% Approval Rated Congress would get involved but most of them are having trouble understanding what the problem is. Senator Foghorn Leghorn said yesterday, “Son, I say son, what’s wrong with doing things backwards?”

Would I kid u?

Wal-Mart’s Secret Plan Is Laid Bare For All To See

Anonymous says: I read it again. After I finished it I said to myself, "What a joke!"

Ever wonder why Wal-Mart is so successful? I am here to tell you their darkest secret. You can rest assured that you can believe every word of this posting because I got it straight a person who is very close to a cousin of Wal-Mart’s CEO who I met in a coffee shop who spoke on a condition of anonymity because he is not allowed to say anything about anything of importance.

Wal-Mart’s secret of success is...

The Male Shopper

and

End of Aisle Displays of Clothes Hangers Priced at 12 for a Dollar

Here is how it works...

• It all begins when a Male Shoppers go to Wal-Mart looking for beer and pretzels.
• He comes upon the End of Aisle 12 for a Dollar Clothes Hanger Display.
• The male shopper is not that experienced at shopping but 12 of anything for a dollar is one of his hot buttons.
• He buys his beer, pretzels and bargain hangers and, feeling very good about himself, he heads for home.
• Once home he hangs his 12 new hangers in the closet and sits in front of his TV to watch whatever sporting event is on at the present time with a cold beer and lots of pretzels.
• While he is watching TV, his wife goes into the closet and finds the 12 empty hangers.
• She is struck with amazement because she thought all hangers in her closet had clothes hanging on them.
• She says to herself, “Golly gee! How did this happen? I’m going to Wal-Mart this very minute and buy 12 new outfits, blouses, jeans or whatevers that I have always wanted.”
• There is no way he can help but buy those hangers and there is no way she cannot head right out to fill those hangers up with stuff.
• It is in their DNA.

There you have it. The secret of how Wal-Mart has become the retail giant that America has come to love and/or hate.

Would I kid u?

The Proper Way To Handle The Bad Guys ... Or Is It?

Anonymous says: Not just a bathroom book. Useful at stop lights also.

Once upon a time...
Some ruffians started tripping people as they walked by.

*The whole country started speculating as to why these guys started tripping people as they walked by...

• Some said we ought to wait and see if the tripping was accidental.
• Some said it did not look premeditated.
• Some said that some of the trippers looked sorry.
• Some speculated about the trippers being uncoordinated.
• Some sought federal funding for a study into the trippers upbringing.
• Some blamed their unfortunate behavior on the fact that school yard dodge ball had not yet been banned when they had gone through Elementary School.
• Some said that we ought to make sure that they, in fact, did not have a constitutional right to trip people.

Escalation #1: One day the tripping escalated into punching.
Escalation #2: The next thing we knew the trippers/punchers had turned to mugging.
Escalation #3: Before we knew what hit us the trippers/punchers/muggers were robbing banks.
Escalation #4: Low and behold all of a sudden the trippers/punchers/muggers/robbers were planting bombs.

After all four escalations above (see * above) similar analyses were conducted as to what had happened to cause each escalation.

As society crumbled into itself the intellectuals amongst us argued, “We should refrain from taking any kind of concerted and/or forceful action against the trippers/punchers/muggers/robbers/bombers because doing so might make them mad.”

There is a similarity between the above Foolishness and Iran, North Korea and 1930s Germany. I'm sure you see it ... Or do you?

Would I kid u?

On a lighter note (but maybe related to the above Foolishness)... If you have a brand new gold tooth in the front of your mouth, don’t smile at a mugger.

Church Weddings Are Getting To Be A Thing Of The Past

Anonymous says: This book is something special!

 

 

The other day I was looking thru the Marriage Section of my local paper and I noticed that not one of the three announcements that day reported that the engaged were getting married in a church. Instead they were holding their ceremonies...

• In a restaurant
• On a beach
• At a big fancy hotel

Some particularly unusual places in which I have seen people getting married recently were...

• Skydiving from a plane
• While scuba diving

To me the best one is the Big Fancy Hotel because, if the marriage does not work out, the feuding former guests can just go thru Check Out.

Would I kid u?

Lindsay Lohan Arithmetic

Anonymous says: I'm gonna buy another one!

If you were like me you were riveted to your TV two weeks ago as we witnessed our Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 90 days in jail. The look of shock and horror on Lindsay’s face told the whole awful story as the judge gave her 30 days in jail and then added 30 more days in jail and finally another 30 days in jail. That is a total of 90 days in jail. It was hard to watch.

Yesterday poor Lindsey reported to authorities and, sure enough, was locked behind bars. She walked in like the trooper we all know her to be. It was darn near inspirational.

That late Paul Harvey guy is looking over my computer again. Guess what? He told me to tell you The Rest of the Story...

• I read today that 90 days is not as many days as 90 days used to be.
• A spokesman for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department said that Lindsey will be released from jail on August 1st or 2nd.
• An August 1st release is only the 12th day of her incarceration.
• Let’s add one more day to 12 days and see if that adds to 90 days.
• Nope, that does not do it because that is only 13 days.
• The Sheriff’s Department went on to say that Lindsay will only serve a quarter of her sentence.
• Father Hatrell taught me that a quarter of something is 25%.
• I just got my calculator out found out that 12 days is 13% of 90 days and not 25%.
• Since I did so well on that calculation I forged on and found out that 13 days is 14% of 90 days and still not 25%.

What am I missing here?

Ah ha! Here is the answer. A Sheriff’s Department Official said the projected release date was arrived at because of, “all the credits Lohan is likely to receive.”

• Did her looking so shocked in court earn her a credit?
• Did the fact that she cried in court earn her a credit?
• Did the fact that her attorney dropped her as a client like a hot potato right after the judge threw the book at her earn her a tax credit? (In hindsight it was a very small book.) 

If you want to speculate about what credits Lindsay might have received, use the Comments Procedure at the bottom of this posting and let the world hear your thoughts (foolish thoughts would be appreciated).

The article went on to report that Lohan surrendered at a Beverly Hills Courthouse and was immediately whisked away to an all-women’s jail in Lynwood. Quoting from the article, “She will serve her time in an Isolation Unit that has previously hosted Paris Hilton.”

I trust that you took note that “incarcerated” has been replaced by “hosted”.

Lindsay was heard to say that she was glad she took acting lessons. Those lessons turned her tearful and heart wrenching apology into a work of art. This all means she will not have to share the Isolation Unit’s Jacuzzi with some low life whose apology was not as near as sincere as her apology was.

Would I kid u?

Common Sense Improvements To The Game Of Soccer

 

 

Anonymous Says: I wish I could go to the bathroom more often!

 

 

From the Round of Sixteen onward Spain beat Portugal, Paraguay, Germany and Netherlands all by the exact same score of 1 to 0 ... Whoopie Doo!

Now the The World Cup has come and gone it is time to consider how to ... Liven Up The Game of Soccer.

I’m ready to take on this challenge. I’m sitting here pecking out this posting with the able assistance of Jack Nicholson and he just told me that you should not be too quick to say you are also ready to address this thorny issue unless, You Can Handle The Truth!

Here is what should be done to the game of Soccer...

• The Spoil Sport ... I ask you what is the biggest hindrance to livening up Soccer? I am certain that each and every one of you just said out loud, “The Goalie”. The fix is as simple as saying out loud what the problem is ... Get Rid of the Goalie!
• The Goal Itself ... The other obvious problem. The darn things are too small. We need scoring! Make the Goal twice as long and twice as high as it presently is.
• More Scoring ... How exciting can a final score of 1 to 0 be? Removing the Goalie and enlarging the Goals ought to go a long way towards soccer fans getting to see some 68 to 67 final scores.
• No Time Outs ... Ever wonder where the riots come from? If you combine a large mass of beer drinking males with the inability to go to the rest room, you have the makings of a one heck of a riot. You just know they are not going to leave during the middle of the match. They would never forgive themselves if they missed that day’s goal.
• The Tie ... Jack Nicholson just said, “A tie is like kissing your sister”. Some of these World Cup matches ended in a tie and the fans went crazy because they had “won”. Vince Lombardi, if he were alive, probably turned over in his grave when he saw those fans celebrating their 0 to 0 “victory”.

Picture this. A sweat drenched and exhilarated Soccer Fan on his knees with his hands folded, looking up to heaven and thanking God saying,

All my life I have dreamed that my team would play to a tie in a

World Cup Soccer Match!

Would I kid u?

Franchise Applications Being Accepted

Anonymous says: "Delightful!"

 This is your chance to make a fortune and retire or re-retire without winning the lottery. I know you all are on the edge of your seats, so I’ll get right to the details...

We are already aware of how American Females are obsessed with their cell phones.

They must be in constant communication with someone ... anyone ... at all times.

Nothing could exemplify this obsession better than the lady who last week dialed a wrong number and spent twenty-three minutes talking to the lady who answered the call on the other end. At the end of the twenty-three minute conversation each of the talkers knew what each had served for dinner the night before, what was planned in each house for dinner that very night, where the latest bargains were to be had, what each person’s political leanings were and how each was coming along in their ongoing quest to straighten out their husbands. One of the women is excited to be going to the Bar Mitzvah of the other’s youngest child, even though she is not sure exactly what a Bar Mitzvah is.

Having established the American Female’s love of the cell phone, allow me to link the Cell Phone to Female Muslim Garb and making your fortune...

• I was in a store the other day and I observed a Muslim Woman shopping in her Muslim Garb.
• This was not a full body covering but was the robe looking thing with the tight head scarf over her head.
• The key is the Tight Head Scarf.
• Our Muslim Lady Friend had secured her cell phone to her head by tucking it securely under her Tight Head Scarf.

There it is! Once the American Female Cell Phone Talker gets wind of how Muslim Garb can enhance their desire for constant communication, there will be a mad rush to my franchised Muslim Garb Stores.

What about men? There is no market here for men because they are not into cell phones that much to begin with and they do not spend enough time shopping to have to worry about what to do with their cell phones. They just run in, grab their beer and head for check out.

Send your $10,000 Franchise Fee to:
I Am Kidding You Again
10000 Silly Way
Foolishness, GA 10000

Would I kid u?

Who Says I Have To Watch Where I Am Going?

Anonymous Says:
I wish I had written this book!




I read recently that a lawsuit had been filed for over $100,000 because a person, while using Google Map Walking Instructions, was injured by a car in an area where there were no sidewalks.

The lawsuit says, “As a direct and proximate cause of defendant Google’s careless, reckless and negligent providing of unsafe directions, plaintiff was led onto a dangerous highway, and was thereby stricken by a motor vehicle.”

Are we to the point in our Collective Disintegration where we no longer have to look out for our own well being because we have been given permission to do something stupid by someone or something else (like a computer).

In the future are we going to see such happenings as shown below?

• Signage: Slippery When Wet ... Unless Google Maps sent you.
• Hiking: This is the edge of a cliff. Do not take one step further ... Unless you were sent here by Google Maps. If that be the case, go right ahead.
• Highway Travel: Your honor, my client wasted a lot of time. He trusted that Google Maps would quickly get him to Georgetown, Maine but he ended up in Phoenix, Arizona. I am sure the court will agree that a huge settlement is due my trusting but badly deceived client.

Would I kid u?

Another Visit To The Post Office

As faithful readers of my Blog you are aware that I am a keen observer of the U.S. Post Office. There have been at least three brilliant? commentaries by the Smartfella? on this subject. The one I received the most commentaries on is Out Of Print, you might say. It was called My Visit to the Post Office.

You can't read it because I published it on a service I no longer use and, since I stopped using them, they are mad at me and won't allow access to any of my Blog Postings anymore.

Another Visit To The Post Office

7/8/10

Part 1…
I was in my local Post Office the other day and I was pleased to read a notice on the wall about how our U.S. Postal Service is in the processing of spending $30 million on New Signage.

I think spending $30 million on those new “Next Window Please” signs will be money well spent.

Part 2…
I walked into my Post Office and was thrilled to find that I was first in line. That was most exciting! Being first in line had never happened to me before.

There was only one counter agent on duty. The rest were behind the wall drinking their fruity drinks with those little umbrellas in them. I was not concerned. I knew I would be on my way in a few moments because a single person at the counter take could not take very long.

I watched intently as the one agent served the one customer. I watched. I watched. I watched. As I was watching I noticed that the agent was developing Cobwebs between his arms and the trunk of his body and the counter itself. The more Cobwebs that formed the slower he moved. It became apparent that the Cobwebs were a real draw down on his performance. They were severely hurting his productivity. He kept going slower and slower.

When I got up to the counter I told the agent that the U.S. Postal Service ought to hire new employees to stand next to all counter agents and, by using something like feather dusters, these new employees could whisk the Cobwebs away as soon as they formed.

At first I had second thoughts thinking he might be offended. Actually he became real excited and thanked me profusely. He said he would put this idea into the suggestion box. He felt confident that his chance of winning the monthly $1,000 Best Suggestion of the Month Award was excellent.

He offered to share the award with me but I declined. I told him I, being representative of the American Public, was very appreciative of all that the U.S. Postal Service does for us. He said, “Yea, I know.”

Part 3…
Some of what I pecked out above is not true. This part is absolutely true...

When I Left My Post Office There Were Eight People Waiting In Line

Would I kid u?

The Nuts Are Going Fast … or is it? … Atlanta Car Drivers Are Going Nuts Fast

Anonymous says, "This is one great bathroom book!"





In the last 24 hours I have witnessed crazy happenings on the streets of the Atlanta Metropolitan Area…

We all have seen cars go by where the driver forgot to close the gas cap door and the gas cap itself is hanging out of the open door on that little stringy thing.

• What I saw was the gas cap door closed but the gas cap had not been replaced before the gas cap door had been closed.
• It was hanging and dangling as the car rolled along with the door closed on the stringy thing.

A driver had forgotten to close the rear hatch on a SUV and I watched the car go past me in the grocery parking lot, out of the parking lot and into the street.

• There were just a couple of bags of groceries back there.
• There was no long piece of cargo sticking out of the rear hatch that prevented it from being closed.

In Georgia we have a new law starting July 1, 2010 which makes it illegal to Text & Drive at the same time.

• One of my fellow drivers had decided that the safe thing to do was to stop the vehicle while sending that all important tidbit of miscellaneous trivia.
• The problem was that the vehicle had been stopped in the right hand lane of an active four lane road (2 one way and 2 the other way).
• I came close to hitting the “safe” car in its rear.

I may be foolish but I am not crazy. I think I’m going to stay inside my house for a few years. By that time the nuts will be smart … or will they? WhatDoYouThink?

Would I kid u?

Little Things Mean A Lot

In 1954 Kitty Kallen had her biggest hit when she recorded, Little Things Mean a Lot. In our modern world of Computers, Social Networking, Big Screen TVs and Electronic Everything, those little things are still important. Please follow along with me…

The Big Boss at Giant Internet Company sends out the word that he wants his minions to come up with a plan to Dramatically Increase Revenue.

The minions go into a panic. He looks very serious, and they know from experience, that shortly after serious comes anger. The last time he got seriously angry, it was not a pretty sight.

An emergency meeting is scheduled to convene within ten minutes. The Top Ten Thinkers are told to bring their best ideas to Dramatically Increase Revenue. The Top Ten Thinkers have been with the company since it was created by The Big Boss twelve years ago. If any group of people can come up with a way to Dramatically Increase Revenue, these people have the brain power to do it!

In their panic all ten of them cram through the conference room door in a mad rush. They are in such frenzy that they run over the Mail Boy who was trying to exit as they entered. As he was being run over, he hit his head on the bottom of the conference room table and was knocked unconscious.

During the two hour meeting that followed, all of the Top Ten Thinkers saw the Mail Boy laying there but they did not bother to tend to him because they were important and he was not.

Eventually the Mail Boy started to come to. As he cleared his head his Mail Boy Mind began to adsorb what was being discussed. As he was getting to his feet he said, “Why don’t you raise the monthly customer subscription charge by $1.00 per month?”

The Top Ten Thinkers all grabbed their calculators and frantically made this calculation…

$1 per month times 17,000,000 customers equals increased revenue of

$17,000,000 per month

Being professional calculator users, they all hit the equals sign at the same moment. They all realized they had come up with a plan to Dramatically Increase Revenue that would make The Big Boss happy. They felt very proud of their accomplishment.

The Mail Boy went back to mailing. The Top Ten Thinkers went straight to happy hour.

The Mail Boy did not get a big promotion as a result of the little story you have just read. However, he did get to feel like was an important part of the ongoing success of Giant Internet Company. Every time The Big Boss demanded a meeting to Dramatically Increase Revenue, he was invited to attend.

The Mail Boy always came up with the same $1 increase idea. Each time he did the Top Ten Thinkers were amazed at his intelligence. Sometimes they were a bit sorry he was not important like they were but they decided not to think about that.

Would I kid u.

Little Mr. Starbucks Asks His Father For A Little Help

A Journey Back Into Coffee History

Little Mr. Starbucks goes to his father and asks to borrow $10,000. He wants to use the money to invest in a bright idea that he has been kicking around in the back of his mind. He is sure that this idea of his will be his life’s work.

Father Starbucks was always supportive of his son since he was born right through his years of higher education in one of the finest school in the east. He knew that he was going to do whatever his son asked. He eagerly inquired how his boy was going to use the $10,000 as he reached for his checkbook.

Here is the back and forth conversation that took place about the plan of action Little Mr. Starbucks laid out for his ever more wide eyed father, as his father slipped his checkbook back into his pocket…

• Father … “You are going to do what?”
• Son … “I want to open up a coffee shop and spend my life selling people coffee, a cup at a time.”
• Father … “You mean to tell me that, after I devoted my life to you and took out a second mortgage on our modest family home in order to put you through that fancy snotty school back east, you are going to spend your life with an apron on selling cups of coffee?”
• Son … “That’s right, pop. I just know there is a world of money to be made out there in coffee cups.”
• Father … “Where are you going to set up the gold mine of a coffee shop?”
• Son … “I’m going to rent space in the shopping mall downtown.”
• Father … “You mean to tell me that you are going to pay the exorbitant rent that businesses are charged in that mall? Are you aware, my educated idiot son, that in order to just break even, you are going to have to sell a lot of cups of coffee? Don’t forget you are going to have to pay salaries and benefits, buy supplies and pay that sky high rent just to crack your nut!”
• Son … “Daddy, I have thought through all of the costs that you have just mentioned. I have that covered in my business plan. I am going to charge a lot for my cups of coffee!”

At this point Father Starbucks climbed across the dining room table and started to strangle junior.

After Mother Starbucks had locked Father Starbucks in the bedroom closet to cool off overnight, she loaned Little Mr. Starbucks the $10,000 for his bright idea and the rest is coffee history.

Would I kid u?

Why Does Haywire Go Haywire?

Some detractor or admirers (I’m not sure which) are referring to this book as, “The Perfect Bathroom Book”.
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Go to the Amazon site and click on, "Click to LOOK INSIDE!"
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Then add it to your cart and buy it before Amazon runs out.

Last year I applied to our Federal Government for a Grant of $300,000 to perform a study on a mystery that has baffled mankind for centuries.

The Government’s interest in my research was clear from the beginning because my Government Handler sent a check for the full $300,000 by UPS Overnight within days of the submission of my Grant Request.

It could be that they pay no attention to whom they give the grant money. I like to think that I had a worthy idea and my government saw the value of my proposed research. Once that value was recognized they accelerated the approval process to get me working on my important research as quickly as possible.

Went Haywire…
The subject of this posting tells you what my research was about. Out on the farms of this great land when someone cuts the wire that surrounds a bale of hay that wire immediately springs into a jumbled up mess that would be very difficult to untangle (if you were one that takes pleasure in untangling such things).

It’s not just haywire. The same thing happens to electrical wires, earphone cords, rope, etc. Such things are always getting jumbled up and research has shown that untangling them costs American Workers 2.75 Billion Man Hours of lost productive work time each and every year.

My Theory…
I contended in my workup to the Federal Government that such things get jumbled up by their very nature. It is a part of their DNA.

My belief was that these seemingly inanimate objects actually move when we are not looking. This movement ends up becoming the jumbled up and hard to unjumble mess we all have come to dread.

Once I had confirmed my theory, I intended to set about determining how this age old problem could be prevented and this vast lost productive time could be eliminated.

My Plan…
I went to Radio Shack and bought a professional digital movie camera and a very rigid tripod on which to mount it. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a card table. Finally I went to Home Depot and bought a 100 foot extension cord.

I returned home, went in my garage and, in short order, I had set up the camera on the tripod looking down on the 100 foot extension cord (not tangled up) which had been placed on the card table.

This investment had cost me a pretty penny (about $600).

I then turned on the camera and left nature to take its course for a full seven days and nights.

The Results of My Research…
When I returned the extension cord was hopelessly jumbled up but the movie showed absolutely no movement of the cord itself during the entire week.

My Report Back To the Federal Government…
I am an honest person. I simply called my Handler and reported that my experiment was a complete failure. Yes the cord had gotten tangled but I had no idea how it had gotten tangled.

I told him that I felt really badly about taking my government’s money and would be sending back the entire $300,000.

That nice fellow said to me, “Don’t feel bad. Certainly you should not for a moment consider sending back the $300,000. It would greatly mess up our budgeting process.”

He expressed his gratitude for my phone call saying, “You really did not have to go to all the trouble of phoning. No one else ever reports back the results of their research. We just wait a bit and write it off.”

Then the nice fellow really made my day, “Don’t feel bad about your stupid idea turning out to be a really stupid idea. Lots of people never come up with a single stupid idea in their entire logical and clear thinking lives. Keep the money. You deserve it.”

Cashing In On The System…
I have now decided that I am going to throw off my scruples and cash in on the Free Money…

I remember when I was in the Army a Master Sergeant told me, “The heck with using a parachute. If ever I have to jump out of a plane, I going to be holding a large tangle of haywire. It’s bound to get caught up on something on the way down.” (He probably did not say “heck”. Master Sergeants never say “heck”.)

This ought to be good enough for $400,000. I used to know how to fly a plane. I need a jumper/haywire holder. Any one of you cares to be my jumper/haywire holder? I’ll give you 15%.

Would I kid u?