We Are Great At Naming Laws

When our rulers in Washington, DC decide that they are going to create a law the first thing they do is spend lots of our taxes trying to come up with a real neat name for the law.

I used the word “neat” in the above paragraph. Many times the word “deceptive” can be substituted for “neat”. The objective is to sell us on the justification and/or dire need for law in the name of the law.

The same holds true where I live. In 2006 my home state passed a law called Georgia Security and Immigration Compliance Act. With a name like this the vote was assured as soon as the naming was done. Who of us could be against Security?

Now we find out, four years later, that the law’s name has tricked us, again…

• The law did not provide any funding for auditing of contractors.
• Since there was no funding, there was no auditing.
• If there had been funding for auditing and if auditing had actually been performed to determine if contractors were complying with the law, there are no penalties provided in the law for failure to comply with the law.

What if our Income Tax Laws were written by the geniuses that wrote the Georgia Security and Immigration Compliance Act? We would have our beloved IRS trying to enforce tax collections with something like this…

• Citizens must pay their taxes.
• No one will ever check to find out whether or not you paid your taxes.
• If anyone in the government ever did find out that you did not pay your taxes, there are no penalties in the law for not paying your taxes.
• If any member of our government ever did find out that you had paid your taxes, a team of tax-payer funded psychiatrists will be send out to examine your head.

I admit I got carried away with this last part … Or Did I?

Would I kid u?

The Fix

I have an absolutely certain way for our federal government to save enormous amounts of money and each of you can help. After you read this Foolishness?, please write your respective Members of Congress and urge my plan’s immediate adoption.

I am sure you will see the wisdom of what I am about to propose to you…
This could be Big…Really Big!

• Anytime there is any kind of financial hiccup in Washington The Fix is always to raise taxes.
• It is the first thing our 9% Approval Rated Congress turns to.
• Once The Fix is turned to, Congress does not do any more turning because they know they are on the correct path along the Road to Recovery.
• After imposing The Fix, they always head off to Happy Hour with the satisfaction of knowing they have done their jobs well.

My idea does not attempt to alter this Works-Every-Time-Fix of theirs. My plan is actually an augmentation to their time tested and proven course of action

• There is a tremendous and on-going expenditure of tax payer funds involved in flying Members of Congress back and forth to Washington.
• What Congress could is to have each of its members sign 10 Pre-Tax Increase Authorizations (PTIA) each January.
• The PTIAs could then be thrown into the Vote Basket by low pay scale clerks throughout the year as is necessary to keep the tax increase mechanism humming along.
• The members would not even have to go in each January to sign that year’s PTIA’s.
• They could email them in from wherever they are (golf course, tanning salon, bar, etc).

This is so well thought out that the only Members of Congress that actually need to be in Washington are the Senate Majority Leader and the Speaker of the House.

Remember the Dunkin Donuts Baker in the commercial from years ago? He was shown entering his Dunkin Donuts and saying, “Time to make the donuts”. The Speaker and the Leader could just phone each other and say, “Time to get out the Vote Basket”.

Once the process is started the vote and the resultant tax increase could be done in less than an hour. Then they could go to Happy Hour. Yes, I know Happy Hour will be kind of lonely and not near as much fun but that is the price that they will have to pay for the honor of being leaders in our great Democratic Republic.

There is a flaw in this seemingly perfect course of action. Over the years you, my dear readers, have proven your savvy and I am sure that most of you have already seen it.

Because of the tremendous reduction in air travel by Members of Congress, the Airline Industry will suffer significant loss of revenue. This will, of course, mean that Congress will have to pass a law granting the Airline Industry substantial subsidies. This will, of course, mean that we will have to have a Tax Increase.

Would I kid u?

Why Did I Buy All That?

Don’t know why you just bought what you bought? That’s because you may have lost control of your power to make shopping decisions. Why is that? How did that happen? It’s because you have fallen victim to…
Neuromarketing Techniques (Did I just hear you say, "Huh?")
An article in The Wall Street Journal informs me that the good people who bring you Campbell’s Soup have been conspiring against you…

• They have concluded a two year effort to figure how to get you to buy more soup.
• They are going to help you connect on a deeper level with their soups through the design of their soup can labels.
• Their research has been studying microscopic changes in skin moisture, heart rate, depth and pace of breathing, posture and other biometrics that happen when a shopper makes eye contact with different soup can labels.
• They now better understand how near-instant brain and body responses relate to how people generate meaning from new label information presented to them.
• They now better understand the neurological and bodily responses to an ad rather than how people thought they had reacted to that ad.
• They understand how you are emotionally engaged with their soup can presentation.

Yes, dear reader, you just may find your shopping cart full of many varied varieties of Campbell Soups and you will have no idea how those cans got into your now overflowing basket.

It seems the days of some soup guys going out to lunch and scribbling a new label on a paper napkin have come to an end.

I hope they have not paid so much attention to the design of their soup can labels that they forget the Dog Food Convention…

• The General Sales Manager stands up before his entire national sales force.
• He proceeds to get them all revved up with a series of cadenced questions…
  o “Who has the best dog food marketing program in the dog food industry?”
  o The response is, “We do!”
  o “Who has the most attractive dog food can and labeling in dog food industry?”
  o The response is, “We do!”
  o Who spends the most money on advertising in the dog food industry?”
  o The response is, “We do!”
• Having laid his trap, he gets real serious and angry and he shouts at his sales force, “Then why in the hell are we last in sales in the industry?”
• An old time dog food salesman in the front row replies, “Cuz the dogs don’t like the dog food.”

Would I kid u?”

Diffusing Public Outrage

It happens all the time. The Folks Back Home (that’s us) get excited about something outrageous that is happening in Washington, D.C. For example, imagine that we get all lathered up because Congress is proposing a steep tax on popcorn sold in movie theatres. We demand to know how this can be justified. Their response is typically Washingtonian … “Because the popcorn kernels are yellow before they are popped but the popped corn is white after it is popped”.

We folks back home immediately see this as worse than Taxation without Representation but we see it as an evil form of Taxation with Representation which was certainly not the intent or our Founding Fathers.

We go ballistic. We make phone calls in protest. We send emails filled with indignation. We call Talk Shows and vent our spleens. We threaten to “Throw the Bums out of Office”. We threaten a lot. We seldom do any throwing.

Our 9% Approval Rating Congress becomes concerned about our indignation. They spring into action. They always diffuse such volatile situations by one simple oft-repeated action … They Appoint a Committee to Study the Situation.

These committees take on varied different names…
•Non-Partisan Committee
•Bipartisan Study Group
•Fact Finding Committee
•Independent Review Board
•Intraparty Committee
•Blue Ribbon Panel
•Obfuscation Committee

It works every time…
• This is seen by us folks back home as a serious attempt to rectify these egregious situations.
• We are told that we have been heard and Committee/Study Group/Board/Panel will meet five different times to zero in on our grievances and publish their results in fifteen months.
• We do not even get suspicious when we read that they are going to meet in Las Vegas, the Big Island in Hawaii (they choose the Big Island because it is emblematic of how Big they consider our concerns to be), Paris, Sydney and in the Mickey Mouse Conference Center in Disneyland in Florida.

We go back to our mundane lives content in knowing that our 9% approval rating congress is diligently looking into our protestations.

Twenty months later (whatever happened to fifteen months?) their conclusions are published in our newspapers on page twenty-three of Section C. It is just happenstance that this is the same day that some major news story has happened and the resultant dire consequences are plastered over all the front pages of the world.

Then one day we go to our local move theatre, buy a box of popcorn (smaller than it used to be) and find that the price has gone up dramatically.

Some of us don’t notice. Others of us say to ourselves, “Oh well”. A small minority of us contacts our members of congress and we are given an explanation that goes along these lines … “We definitely did not put a tax on popcorn! What happened was a tree fell on an ox cart in a logging area of Thailand which causes a worldwide shortage of paper products. The price increase you experienced in your last purchase of a box of popcorn in your local movie theatre was the effect of that worldwide paper products shortage. It’s market forces that caused your popcorn cost to increase.”

We, being the simple folk that we are, say to our duly elected Member of Congress, “Well that makes sense. Thank you for your efforts on our behalf. I will be sure to vote for you next time” … Or Will We?

Would I kid u?

A Sure Fire Money Making Idea

I have enough money. Some of my dear readers do not have enough money. Since those of you who do not have enough money have been officially classified by our 9% Approval Rating Congress as Down Trodden, I am allowing one of you officially declared Down Troddeners to take my money making idea and run with it. In short order, the go getter among you who first seizes this opportunity will be transformed into one of the filthy rich. I am such a nice guy that I will not ask for a piece of the action.

A short while back I created a Foolish…Or Is It that directed your attention to the $270 pair of jeans in Bloomingdale's Department Store. Many of these worn out looking “bargain” jeans have slits in the knees. In fact, that is the most popular “alteration” seen on the jean scene. If the jeans do not come already cool (with slits), many of the dudes & dudettes out there will put the slits in with a knife as soon as they get home.

There are two Really Cool Hot Fads out there in The World of Cool…
• Slits in the knees of jeans.
• Tattoos on the human body almost everywhere you can imagine.

Do you see it? It ought to be jumping out at you! It’s Tattoos on Kneecaps!

When a modern day cool dude or cool dudette sits down, their kneecaps show through their cool knee slits. The person who patents the Tattoos on Kneecaps Idea is going be filthy rich!

I can just see tattoos peeping out at America…
• 2 Elvis'.
• Jessica & her latest squeeze.
• The Lone Ranger & Tonto.
• Tom Cruise & what's her name.
• Shaq & Kobe.
• Frick & Frack.
• Dale Earnhardt, the dead one & the not dead one.
• Ball Players, before they becoming bobble head doll looking persons & after they become bobble head doll looking persons.

The possibilities are endless!

Would I kid u?

What If Nothing Bad Happened?

I realize that this is Foolishness of the first order but let your mind wander with me a moment…

We all know by now that the people in the news reporting business truly believe that Good News Is No News. Most of us have heard the defense for this line of thinking which goes something like this …
It is not of any interest to the reading public to report all the cats that did not get caught up in trees today.

They may have a point. A newspaper that reported only good news would probably not survive. It still does not keep me from yearning to see a few good news headlines just for the heck of it.

If you have read this far, it means that you did let your mind wander with me, as I requested in the first paragraph above. Please stay and mind wander with me a little longer…

What if one day the newspapers of the world woke up and found there was No Bad News To Be Found Anywhere. What would they do? …
• Would they not publish a paper at all?
• Would they be required by union contracts to publish their newspapers and we would find bundles of newspapers with nothing printed on the pages thrown on our front lawns?
• With tears in their eyes, would they publish only good news?
• Would they falsify some bad news?
• Would their collective heads explode?

A Day With No Bad News might be interesting, it might be boring, it might be neat but I really think it would be all of these possibilities.

Would I kid u?

What Does The Word "Limit" Mean To You?

Our crack Senate yesterday raised the Debt Limit … Again.

As soon as the Debt Limit is created, Congress aggressively takes aim on the newly raised Debt Limit. As long as any proposed spending does not go over the Debt Limit, it is OK to spend the money because it is “authorized” since it does not exceed the Debt Limit.

There are those geniuses up there that see this latest increase of $1,900,000,000,000 and say, “One point nine ain’t much. Heck, that’s not even two”.

At least they ought to change the name of The National Debt Limit. How about some of these ideas? …
• The Temporary Debt Limit.
• The Debt Limit Until We Exceed The Debt Limit Limit.
• The Unlimited Debt Limit.
• The Absolutely We Ain’t Gonna Go Over Limit Unless And Until Such Time As We Spend So Much Money That It Is Necessary To Go Over The Limit Limit.

Until they get a new official name change in place they ought to put a Smiley Face behind the old name. This way we will know that they are just kidding.

What these “statesmen” do not tell you is that this is a $1.9 trillion increase to the new total Debt Limit of $14,300,000,000,000. If Foghorn Leghorn were a member of Senate he would be quick to point out that this is not even $15 trillion. I’m sure glad Foghorn Leghorn is not in the Senate … Or Is He?

Would I kid u?

Unlimited Opportunity & Easy Bill Collection

I just read in my newspaper where one National Football League Team charged $4,250 last year for one of those Deluxe Suite Box Seats to their home games.

This article referenced one particular team but, you can rest assured, that the other teams have a similar Sit In The Super Seats ticket cost structure. This team did not even make the playoffs.

Where the Unlimited Opportunity is that I referenced in my subject line of this Foolishness…Or Is It? entry? Don’t you see it? This is a golden opportunity for the Psychiatrist of America to make a fortune.

People who would pay this much for less than 4 hours of entertainment are ripe to have their heads examined. There ought to be couches set up at all exits of NFL stadiums. There could be signs over the couches to entice fans to lie down for a session...
“Nuts About Football? Let Us Have A Crack At Your Head”.

You are going to think I made this next paragraph up but I didn’t…
I just went to an Internet site for the upcoming Super Bowl. Seats for this (usually not that good a game) game are for sale at this site for from $1,788 in Section 405 Row 27 (corner of the end zone) to $7,415.63 for seating in Section 307A Row 1 which is in a 32 person fully catered private suite with parking and pregame (again in the corner of the end zone).

Back to the subject line of this posting where I pecked out, “Easy Bill Collection”. Psychiatrists never have a problem collecting from their patients. They simply print a notation on the bottom of their invoices …

“Pay Your Bill or I Will Let You Go Crazy”.

Would I kid u?

Outside The Mainstream & Glad To Be Here

I am determined not to know everything. I have come to the conclusion that there are some things that should remain outside my head.

Here is an example … I just read where something called “Lady Gaga” just appeared on Oprah.

I don’t know what a “Lady Gaga” is and I am not going to try and “educate” myself about it or her or whatever. It can’t be that important.

There is one thing that I am having a hard time getting my mind around … Pants That Are Worn Below The Hips. There are a few things about this phenomenon that have all us clear thinkers scratching our collective heads…
• Why do they wear their pants this way?
• Why do the pants not fall down?
• Is walking down the street holding your cell phone to your ear with one hand and holding up your pants with the other hand really that cool?

If their collective pants fell to their collective ankles, would we all say, “Gaga!” (Whatever that is)?

Would I kid u?

Making More Poor People

If you were of a mind to think that we ought to have more poverty stricken people in America, and you had the power to make it happen, here is how you could accomplish your objective … quickly.

You would have to wave your Magic Wand and require that politicians at all levels of governance have their pay plans changed over from the present Goes Up Every Year Without A Vote Plan to a Pay For Performance Plan …. If they do not produce positive results, they get no money!

You would have to have a Magic Wand because you can bet our rulers would never pass such a law.

Would I kid u?

Painting with A Broad Brush Is Easy ... It’s Just Not Very Accurate

Today I read in the newspaper the following quote, “Shameful that it has taken a natural disaster for Americans to finally care about the people of Haiti”.

Why is it that no matter what is done in the past or how much money is spend to address an issue, there are some (too many somes) that will contend that “nothing” has been done up until now. With regard to the above statement by this Broad Brush Artist, the contention is clear that Americans never cared about Haiti until now.

Do you think this Picasso wants to hear the truth? Probably not, but I hope you, my dear reader, does want to see the truth. If so, read on.

U.S. State Department
Fact Sheet
Office of the Spokesman
Washington, DC
April 5, 2004

U.S. Support for Haiti
These specific initiatives, announced during Secretary of State Colin L. Powell’s April 5 visit to Haiti, underscore the U.S. commitment and rapid response to helping Haiti’s security, economic recovery and national reconciliation.

Security: The U.S. plans immediately to deploy a seven-member team to advise the Interim Government on security issues, consisting of:
• One advisor to assist the Minister of Interior with planning, and assist in coordination with the UN, OAS and other donors.
• Two advisors to help the Director General of Police with human rights vetting of police personnel, strategic planning, management, and command and control issues.
• One advisor to help restart operations at the police academy.
• One advisor to assist prison leadership.
• One advisor to work with the courts and administration of justice issues.
• One advisor who will act as a team leader and help coordinate the activities of the advisory team.

Urgent Employment Generation: In addition to an ongoing $52 million economic development and humanitarian assistance program, the U.S. will begin an urgent three-year jobs program, which will provide tens of thousands of jobs to improve municipal infrastructure and create jobs in Port-au-
Prince, Cap Haitian, Gonaives and other locations as needed. The project will rehabilitate schools and public buildings destroyed by rioting and burning; build or rehabilitate roads; and, improve community water supplies.

Democracy and Human Rights: The United States will allocate $9 million for elections and democracy building to support activities of the OAS Special Mission for Strengthening Democracy in Haiti, which is in addition to the special voluntary contribution of $4.9 million recently given to the Special
Mission. Other activities may include:
• Support for government efforts aimed at the full observance of human rights and fundamental freedoms.
• Efforts to professionalize the Haitian National Police through special training and assistance.
• Support to Haiti’s new Truth, Justice and National Reconciliation Commission.

Elections: $500,000 will be provided for public education programs to prepare for elections, conduct public opinion polling and conduct training for political parties to develop candidates.

Technical Advice and Recovery of Assets: The U.S. Treasury Department will send an assessment team in mid-April to determine the technical assistance needed by the Ministry of Finance of the Haitian government. The United States is prepared to assist Haitian authorities in the recovery of assets that may have been illicitly diverted.

Humanitarian Assistance: The U.S. will seek to expand our humanitarian development programs—the largest in Haiti—to ensure that the medical and nutritional needs of Haiti’s most disadvantaged people are met. Since the latest crisis began to unfold in February, the U.S. has responded quickly with an additional $3 million to provide badly needed medical and food supplies.
2004/373
Released on April 5, 2004

It took me about 3 minutes of searching on the Internet to gather the information above. This is only for 2004.

Maybe our Broad Brusher above did not know this because he/she does not have a computer?

Would I kid u?

It Is A Sad Day In National Politics … So What’s New?

Recently I heard on the radio another discussion about the impending demise of the Social Security System. You just said to yourself, “Self, so what’s new?” This time the discussion was different because it used the term “Legislative Year”. 

Once I figured out what was meant by “Legislative Year” I realized that 50% may be good in baseball but, when it comes to national politics, 50% stinks. Please allow me to explain...

The Talking Head told me that a “Legislative Year” was a year in which members of Congress attempt to pass laws and address the Hard Issues. The opposite of a “Legislative Year” was an “Election Year” which is a year in which members of Congress do not do anything to rock the boat because they might not get re-elected.

Do you see the problem? There is a National Election every other year because we have … a Presidential Election Year and two years later we have a Mid-Term Election Year.

In any “Election Year” our elected U.S. Representatives and Senators are averse to taking action on any volatile issues. Social Security is a fine example of a volatile issue. I don’t have to get my calculator to figure out that half the time (every other year) our elected representative are waiting for the next year to even give the impression that they are Statesmen.

What do they do during those “Election Years”? You got it. They spend all their time trying to trick us into thinking that they deserve our vote so they might do what needs to be done … Next Year.

Would I kid u?

The Future Social Wastrel

In modern America parents spend much time and effort at trying not to harm the self-esteem of their children. They are certain that if they, or anyone else whom their children look up to, says the wrong thing at the wrong time, their child’s psyche will be damaged forever. If their fears are well founded, which I doubt, there is at least one occasion when harsh words were overlooked and greatness was reached in the end.

First, the harsh words from a father to The Future Social Wastrel…Make this position indelibly impressed on your mind, that if your conduct and actions is what it has been at schools you have attended where it has been sought vainly to impart to you some education, then my responsibility for you is over. I shall leave you to depend on yourself, giving you merely such assistance as may be necessary to permit of a respectable life. Because I am certain that if you cannot prevent yourself from leading the idle useless unprofitable life you have had during your schooldays and later months, you will become a mere social wastrel, one of hundreds of the public school failures, and you will degenerate into a shabby unhappy and futile existence. If that is so you will have to bear all the blame for such misfortunes yourself. Your own conscience will enable you to recall and enumerate all the efforts that have been made to give you the best of chances to which you were entitled to by your position, and how you have practically neglected them all.

I have slightly modified the father’s word above to not give you a hint as to the identity of the awful child. The tone, harshness and vigorousness of the attack were left intact.

The Future Social Wastrel was ...
Sir Winston Churchill.

Another Thing I Don’t Understand

I read recently where the U.S. Census Bureau has issued new statistics that inform us that in December 2008 Americans sent 110,000,000 Text Messages. This makes me want to ask two questions:
• What the heck is wrong with us that we sent 110,000,000 Text Messages?
• What the heck is the U.S. Census Bureau doing wasting our tax dollars calculating such unnecessary and useless information?

To the Smartfella’s way of thinking the following method of operation should be the Standing Operating Procedure in our U.S. Census Bureau:
• The Big Guy in charge of Census Stuff should have stopped this waste of time and money before the time and money was wasted.
• If that did not happen, he should have directed all his minions to shred all evidence that his Census People had bothered to accumulate such unnecessary and useless information.

Why in the world would the U.S. Census Bureau make us aware of such drivel? By letting us know what they are actually doing with our tax dollars we become very concerned about what they are actually doing with our tax dollars.

Of course, up until now, that was not a concern.

Would I kid u?

What Did I Tell Ya!

This is actually a very short Foolishness…Or Is It? (unless you get into reading the one below that I posted on November 3, 2008).

Here is today’s posting…
Our governing bodies (should that be ruling bodies?) in the Good Ole USofA are out of control. According to ABC News, on January 1, 2010 the folks back home (that’s us) were confronted by 40,000 new laws. My November ’08 posting was right on except it was right off because I woefully understated the problem.

I guessed that each year we are confronted with 1,000 new laws. Now I find out that, if this year is atypical, the total number of new laws created by all our various governing bodies is 40,000 each year.

Just in case you do not read my earlier posting below I am going to give you the bottom line right here on top…
“I am coming around to the point of thinking where the incumbent who can verifiably proclaim in his campaign slogan, "I Did Not Do Anything Since You Sent Me To Congress", is the kind of Do-Nothing that will get my vote in the future.”

Would I kid u again?

-------------------------------------------------------------

There Ought To Be A Federal Law Against Federal Laws
Is it possible to keep track of all the Federal Laws?
November 03, 2008 05:05 PM

When members of our 9% Approval Rating Congress run for re-election they always tout in their "accomplishments" all the laws they proposed, sponsored and/or co-signed. They seem very proud when offering these facts up as undeniable evidence that they are deserving of the Public Trust (whatever that is).

The whole process is a mess…

• Members of Congress spend gobs of money traveling to places like France and China in order to gather facts about legislation they propose upon their return. The problem is their legislation has nothing to do with France or China.
• Once a law is passed, it has to be enforced. This requires more bureaucrats. (Bureaucrats … that can certainly be the subject of another Foolishness, Or Is It?)
• Once a law is passed, it has to be kept track of, recorded and disseminated to the folks back home. How in the hell can they keep track of, record and disseminate to the folks back home 1,000 new laws passed every year?
• If we were lucky, no one would know of and/or bother with the 1,000 new laws, once passed.

I think that we ought to be smart enough, at this point in our storied history, where we could have legislation in place that would require that two laws must be repealed for each new law passed. If this were to come to pass, in a hundred years or so, we ought to be down to a manageable 10,000 laws (give or take a few). That just might be a workable number.

I am coming around to the point of thinking where the incumbent who can verifiably proclaim in his campaign slogan, "I Did Not Do Anything Since You Sent Me To Congress", is the kind of Do-Nothing that will get my vote in the future.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella?

I Can Do a Better Job … Just Watch Me

Here is what’s wrong with Governmental Bureaucracy…

Imagine I am employed by the Federal Government and I am assigned the task of coming up with the wording for an Executive Order that will tell all government employees that they should not Text Message while driving a government vehicle. I am given this assignment 10 minutes before quitting time.

Being well qualified for my assigned responsibilities (as are all bureaucrats) I immediately put my nose to the ole grindstone. As is usually the case, I am at Happy Hour 5 minutes after quitting time.

Here is what I came up with, “All government employees are not allowed to text message while driving government vehicles”.

Did I do well? I think I did, if I do say so myself.

On October 1, 2009 our federal government issues an Executive Order that addressed this same subject…
• It is 3 pages long.
• It contains 1,071 words.
• It is much harder to understand than my 13 words above.

To belabor the point even further, here is the part that defines “Driving”…
“(c) "Driving" means operating a motor vehicle on an active roadway with the motor running, including while temporarily stationary because of traffic, a traffic light or stop sign, or otherwise. It does not include operating a motor vehicle with or without the motor running when one has pulled over to the side of, or off, an active roadway and has halted in a location where one can safely remain stationary.”

They just used 69 words to define “driving” while I used 13 words to put to bed the entire Executive Order.

In case you want to read all 1,071 words of the official Executive Order on Texting, go to…
http://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/other/other/Federal_Leadership_On_Reducing_Text_Messaging_While_Driving.pdf

If you do take the time to read the entire 1,071 words, as you are reading them, keep thinking to yourself…“All government employees are not allowed to text message while driving government vehicles”. Enough is enough.

Would I kid u?

Making Progress With Regard To My Simple Requests

Within days of the presidential election last fall, I wrote a letter to our new president asking for ten very logical modifications to the world around me. As the months wore on I began to fear that my wishes might not be getting the proper amount of attention. I kept telling myself that the new guy seemed to be really busy and I clung to the hope that he would get to work on my requests any day now. Anyone can clearly see that these simple requests are really essential to the fabric of America.

I was thrilled to read in the AJC of December 15, 2009 that there appears to be something stirring around my third request …
“Radio & TV … Require that the announcers on all commercials stop shouting at the American People”.
I am so excited!

The news article headline…
Bill would quiet blaring TV ads
The sub-headline…
Lawmakers move to address viewer complaints.

I, however, am made a little uneasy about just how firm the commitment is to this particular concern of mine when I read in the article the following legal mumbo jumbo …
“Managing the transition between programs and ads without spoiling the artistic intent of the producers...”

What the heck does artistic intent have to do with wakening me up from my TV nap? Just what is so artistic about shouting at me?

My fear is that politics will water it down. In the end we will find that the advertising commercial’s volume is essentially unchanged or even louder once the people involved really focus in on artistic intent. Who of us would want to be seen as against artistic intent?

Maybe the best that I can hope for is a federal subsidy to all of the folks back home to be used for the purchase of ear plugs. My hopes are not on firm footing here either because I can hear the TV Advertiser’s Attorney’s impassioned plea, “Your honor, the wearing of ear plugs is an unconstitutional attempt to interfere with the artistic functional transitional projection rights of my client, as was originally intended by our founding fathers”.

Would I kid u?
-------------------------------------------------------------
You can stop reading now or, if you want a refresher, here is the original Foolishness…Or Is It? referred to above…
Dear Mr. New President
Please take into consideration the pressing issues I am directing to your attention by way of this communication…

 Tattoos … Make sports teams with the largest amount of tattoos lose every game.
 Tattoos Again … Until you get legislation passed regarding my tattoo request above, please electronically put those smudges that hide the faces of criminals on the nightly news over all of their tattoos.
 Radio & TV … Require that the announcers on all commercials stop shouting at the American People.
 RAP Artists … Require that they get real names and learn how to spell.
 Handicapped Parking Spots … Require that anyone who parks in a handicapped parking space, that is not handicapped, become handicapped.
 Postal Service … Require that the Counter Agents at the Post Offices smile once an hour.
 Postal Service Again … Require that Counter Agents not go on break as soon as the number of people waiting in line gets to six.
 Privacy Notices … Stop sending those Privacy Notices every time we turn around and have the heads examined of the three people in the Country that actually do read them.
 Dumb White Guys … Stop TV commercial makers from always depicting the White Males as ignorant buffoons. I find it unrealistic and insulting that we have to always be instructed how to do anything and everything by every other type of species on the planet. This includes other men, women, children and talking animals.
 SUV Drivers … Those SUV Drivers that can't seem to fit their vehicles within the lines of their respective parking spaces should have their SUV taken away and replaced with a Yugo.
Mr. President, I am well aware that you may have one or two more pressing issues on your plate than some of my requests. I trust that you will do your best to get right on what I am asking of you because, I am equally certain, you can see that the need for action on each of these pressing issues is self-evident.

Please do instruct your Chief Of Staff to advise me once these ten have been addressed and I will send you some more.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella?

Headline That Never Was

The headline that never was is…
“Vince Lombardi Strangles One of His Players with His Own Bear Hands”

The Smartfella? is dead serious. This headline could have come about if one of Lombardi's players had come into his office before the big game and said, “I’m sorry, coach but I can’t play in the big game this Sunday because I have Turf Toe”.

There is no doubt that, if this had happened, Lombardi would have shouted, “You expect me to pay you $200 for not playing in the big game because your toe hurts?” As he was shouting he would have jumped across his desk and choked the life out of the player with the bad toe.

Turf Toe had not been invented in Vince’s coaching days. That is the only thing that stood between Lombardi being a coaching legend and a convicted murder.

Now I am reading where Turf Toe has evolved into Chronic Turf Toe. As Vince went looking for his dictionary to find out what “chronic” meant, the toe-challenged player probably would have seen his chance to save his life by slipping away. If he was smart enough to be paid $200 a game, he was smart enough to have seen the impending danger and would have gotten away before Lombardi came storming back in.

Would I kid u?

Stringent and Comprehensive Anti-Distraction Driving Policy

Atlanta is not going to take it anymore! According to the AJC on December 11, 2009…
(For those outside of Atlanta, MARTA is the agency that runs our public transportation system.)
“As mass transit crashes have increasingly been linked to driver distractions like cell phones and texting, MARTA has issued a new ban. The agency in a statement calls it “one of the most stringent and comprehensive anti-distracted driving policies in the nation.”

“Under the ban, employees may not operate MARTA equipment while using a cell phone or other electronic device, or while eating, drinking, reading, reaching for fallen items or otherwise engaging in distracting activities.”

What has the Smartfella? confused is why is a policy of any degree of stringency needed for this situation? Do Americans not have enough common sense left to not have to be told to avoid doing stupid things?

Are we going to see more of this foolish nonsense in the future? …
• School Board … We understand that driving a school bus can sometimes be boring but, from now on, school bus drivers are not allowed to drive their busses over cliffs, if there are children on board their bus at the time of the drive over.
• Zoo Visitors … Even though it is a lot shorter to walk through the lion’s den to get to the concession stand, this practice is herewith absolutely forbidden.
• Airline Passengers … Airplane passenger cabins can become stuffy on long flight but passengers are no longer allowed to use a fire extinguisher to break out their windows.

The Smartfella? is considerate of his readers’ time and, therefore, he did not reproduce the entire news article. The part I left out was that MARTA Police are exempt from the Stringent and Comprehensive Anti-Distraction Driving Policy when it comes to eating donuts. Police know how to handle donuts.

Would I kid u?

New and Improved … Or Is It?

Sun-Maid Girl Makeover Sparks Controversy
by Brett Michael Dykes
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
(Excerpts in bold italics below were taken from the larger article.)
“Naturally, the revamped look hasn't gone unnoticed, rankling both ends of the political spectrum. The blog for conservative magazine The Weekly Standard noted that the new Sun-Maid girl looks "as if Julia Roberts decided to don a red bonnet and start picking grapes," while the feminist website Jezebel.com remarked that it looks as if she's had “some implants.”

Though the new look for the raisin girl has been garnering attention of late, the changes to the 90-year-old icon were actually introduced three years ago.”
Old
New

Are there really people who sit around just waiting for something to get offended and/or agitated about?

Considering all the dastardly happenings that are happening every minute of every day, is this issue really important?

This story does make the Smartfella? wonder what have these watchdogs been up to for the last three years? As you read above, this terrible happening happened three years ago. You would think that when it did finally come to the watchdogs’ attention they might quietly have just fired the staffer responsible for uncovering such evil. Then they could have concentrated their full attention toward trying to get us excited about something really injurious to the fabric of America like Tiger Woods.

The Smartfella? is also in a quandary about another part of this story. How does one go about implanting implants in a drawn figure? Does one draw the drawn figure and then have it sent off to a hospital and have some highly specialized surgical team do the implanting?

I also wonder if the original Sun-Maid Girl is sitting on her shelf somewhere wishing Implant Technology had been around when she was first drawn 90 years ago.

Would I kid u?