An America Living Inside Cubicles Would Be A Better America

W.C Fields was known for his crazy humor. He was also well known for his dislike of children. He many times said that he thought children should be raised inside a barrel and fed through a hole. I think he may have been on to something really worth thinking about with this comedy bit of his.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating his Barrel Feeding Plan for our children. I am thinking he had a point; if you think of the barrel idea as an analogy for my idea that the good ole USofA might be better off if it were segmented into cubicles. Cubicles would isolate us from each other and that would be good. Please allow me to explain (this is going to be a hard one to explain)…

Because of our world of instant communication, we spread news very fast. Some of this news is not helpful to society.

Let’s say an awful person in New Hampshire does some gruesome thing. Within moments an awful person in Oregon who has the potential to be a gruesome person sees what his fellow awful person in New Hampshire has done and says to himself, “Self, that is a very gruesome thing to have done to someone else. Why did not I think of that?”

After a momentary disappointment in his own inability to come up with new gruesome ideas on his own, he thinks, “I’m going to do that terrible thing too”. This is how the modern world spreads evil.

My wish is that different parts of America were divided into Isolated Cubicles. If we were so divided, we would not spread our evilness all over this country.

Cubicle Living, as great an idea as it is, does have its drawbacks…

• In the Cubicle America the modern phenomena of getting Tattoos all over our bodies would still be contained inside the originating cubicle. That would really be a shame … Or would it?
• If we lived inside Cubicles, many of us would never have been exposed to Lady Gaga. That would be terrible … Or would it?
• In a Cubicle Controlled Country many of us would never have had the pleasure of watching American Idol. That would be horrific … Or would it?

The late Paul Harvey just came into my Computer Room and told me I ought to tell you the Rest of the Story about W.C. Fields and the children and the barrel and the feeding and the hole. The Rest of the Story is that W.C. went on to say, “and, when they become teenagers, plug up the hole”.

Don’t blame me. I did not say this terrible thing about our children/teenagers. I only related what W.C. said.

Would W.C. kid u?

I Have Discovered Where All The Money Is Going & Why It Is Going So Fast

I just got back from Washington DC. I really tried to get this startling information over the Telephone or via the Internet but I ran up against a stone wall that required me to go to DC and demand I be told the truth.

Without the Freedom of Information Act and my asking Bruce Willis to go with me, I never would have been granted access to this heavily guarded secret. (I can tell you this for sure, those Bureaucrats sure were afraid of Bruce.)

Are you ready? I warn you this is going to make you real mad but it will also explain one of the many things you have always been unable to understand about the inner workings of Congress.

We have always been told that members of our Congress are paid a salary. This is not true! They are actually on a Spoken Word Volume Incentive Payment Plan that pays them 5 cents for every word they speak in carrying out their responsibilities.

Under this generous reimbursement plan not only do their financial rewards pile up at a dramatic rate but they are given double credit for certain key words and phrases like: “My friend on the other side of the aisle”, “Comprehensive” and “Folks”.

Now that I have told you what’s going on up there in the halls of Congress, it is encumbered upon each of you to demand a change. Knowing that politics is a process, we can’t expect to make this all go away overnight. I recommend that we at least petition Congress to stop the Double Credit Incentive. Later we can get organized to mount our campaign to get them to give up this entire Spoken Word Volume Incentive Payment Plan.

Then we can put in its place a Regular Ole Salaried Payment Plan to pay them their true worth, $3,200 a year. Even $3,200 may be a stretch but they are worth something are they not? ... Or are they?

As a result of the enlightenment that you have been exposed to in this Foolishness…Or Is It?, you now know several bits of information about your Congressmen and Senators that you did not know before you were exposed…

• Why they fight so hard to get into Congress.
• Why they talk so much.
• Why they say the same things over and over.
• Why they leave office a lot wealthier than when they came into office.

Would I kid u?

We Are Running Out Of Ink ... As Usual, I Have A Remedy

The USofA’s Strategic Ink Reserve is being depleted at an alarming rate. The ink shortage is simply being caused by our News Media writing about what our Congress is doing and not doing (mostly not doing). This crisis is rapidly getting to the critical stage.

The crux of the problem is that our intrepid News Media continues to try to get everything recorded word for word. Because of this obsession of theirs, they find themselves writing the same words over and over because our Congress continues to use the same words over and over.

The only way that we can continue to print out 2,000 to 3,000 page legislative bills is to stop printing oft-repeated words. These huge legislative bills and the accompanying  interminable speeches on the floor of our House of Representative and our Senate are sucking our Strategic Ink Reserves dry.

To be perfectly honest, if the president had not decided to tap the Strategic Ink Reserves when he did, our Congress and our News Media would have had to shut down last January. That would have been awful ... Or would it have been?

As is usually the case, I am about proposing remedies. Here is what we ought to do...

• Our federal government ought to put up a web site with all the repetitious words/phrases and give each one of them a number.
• As we get our fix each day of the news of the day (which sounds a lot like the news of yesterday), we would see numbers in place of the off-repeated words/phrases.
• We could then refer to the Governmental Off-Repeated Word/Phrase Listing and see what the word or phrase that was left out really was.
• It will take some getting used to it but this is serious stuff and we owe it to each other to all pitch in to Save Our Ink.

You want examples? Here are a few...

• #1 could be Boots on the Ground.
• #2 could be Reaching Across the Aisle.
• #3 could be Transparency.

Others sure to make the list would be...

• Partisan
• Bipartisan
• Non-Partisan
• Lady Gaga (not really a political term but members of Congress are constantly asking themselves, each other and the folks back home, “What would Lady Gaga do?”)
• Alien
• Illegal Alien
• Undocumented Alien
• Undocumented Citizen
• Politically Correct
• Politically Incorrect
• Politically Motivated
• Anonymous
• Level Playing Field
• Folks
• Folks Back Home
• Folks Out There
• Happy Camper (not really used that much anymore but, since we have never known what this phrase means, I put it on the list in the hopes of never seeing these two words used together ever again)
• Budget
• Budget Deficit
• Deficit
• Deficit Reduction
• Revenue Enhancement (replacement for Tax Increase)
• Loss of Revenue (replacement for Tax Reduction)
• My Good Friend (used in the Senate as a substitute for “That Idiot On The Other Side of the Aisle”)
• Comprehensive
• Recession
• Great Recession
• Pace of Economic Recovery
• Dire Economic Circumstances Out There
• Kitchen Table (as in “Folks back home on Main Street sitting around the kitchen table at night balancing their budgets”)
• Government Shutdown
• Borrowing Money (now changed to Importing Money)

In addition to putting a real drain on our Strategic Ink Reserves, these 2,000 to 3,000 page bills are really causing a shortage of words themselves in the halls of Congress.

The Congressional Word Vendors are working overtime to constantly refill the Congressional Computers with words.

The word tankers are parked all around Capitol Hill and the guys with the refill hoses are darting everywhere, sticking those big nozzles into computers and pumping more words in.

The hoses lying across the hallways and in the stairwells have cause many a congressman to trip and fall as they were rushing to Happy Hour.

The tripping and falling has not really upset our dedicated members of congress because they have an excellent health care plan but we all know how determined they about getting to Happy Hour on time.

Speaking of Congressional Happy Hour, have you ever wondered why olives are so expensive?

Would I kid u?

A Short While Back She Was Unknown But Now She Is Pippa!

What a Pippa? Who is the Pippa?

Pippa is the sister of the new British Princess who just married that William prince guy.

Little sister Pippa used to be a nobody but now she is a somebody and, before it’s over, she may wish she never become a somebody.

She Wears Clothes…

Actually Reported In The British News: Her Royal Hotness (“Hotness” … That’s cute! The media is so cute.) Pippa Middleton was spotted in the Kensington neighborhood of London today in a navy striped dress, leather jacket and coordinating accessories!

Actually Commented On By The Smartfella?: Notice she was not “seen”. She was “spotted”. It’s like she was running away from Scotland Yard. Worst of all, she was spotted wearing clothes!

She Went To A Tennis Match…

Actually Reported In The British News: Pippa Middleton and boyfriend Alex Loudon looked cozy as could be when they attended Wimbledon together on Wednesday.

Actually Commented On By The Smartfella?: Not only was she at Wimbledon but she looked cozy.

Clothes Again…

Actually Reported In The British News: Pair your Pippa-style clothes with a Pippa-styled face: warm complexion complemented with smoky eyes, nude lips, and rose-colored blush.

Actually Commented On By The Smartfella?: Can you believe she was out in public with no clothes on her lips?

Oh My Gosh! She Drinks Coffee…

Actually Reported In The British News: Pippa Middleton picked up a cup of coffee to go from Starbucks on Thursday in London, England.

Actually Commented On By The Smartfella?: Oh my gosh! Can you believe that she drinks coffee? Not only does she drink it but she also picks it up. Nothing about her is too trivial to not be reported on.

I had a fear, before I wrote my book, that I would become famous and I would lose my privacy. That fear proved groundless since only you and I know about my book. It won’t be long before Pippa will be wishing that her only call to fame was that she had written a book called, Foolishness…Or Is It? and then no one would care about her coffee drinking.

Would I kid u?

So You Say You Don’t Know What’s Going On Regarding America’s Fascination With Tattoos … Please Allow Me To Help You Come To A Better Understanding

I was in the gym the other day trying desperately to keep my heart from attacking me when I took note of a Tattooed Lady sweating next to me.

Tattooed Ladies used to appear in carnival side shows but that is a thing of the past. They are not uncommon enough to be special enough to have anyone pay money to the Barnums of today to see them. Sad to say, they are everywhere.

I have developed a real curiosity as this phenomenon has grown in recent years. This time I got the courage up to ask, Why?

I approached the tattooed one. She was about 25 years old and quite attractive. Here is what she was displaying on her body for all to see…

• She had her left arm entirely covered with those wild designs that have become so common. It appeared to me that there was no space for more tattooing from her shoulder down to her wrist.
• On the top of her right shoulder was a big bird of some kind with lots of feathers.
• Her right foot and ankle had also been decorated but I could not make out what that piece of “artwork” was. There was just a lot of it down there.

I told her I was curious and was dying to ask her a question about her tattoos. She immediately stiffened up and I thought I was going to have to duck any moment when I blurted out that I had been sent on a fact finding mission by Angelina Jolie. That did it. She smiled and said, “I’ll be glad to discuss my artwork with any friend of Angie”.

I got right to my question. I asked her what were the reasons she had gotten her many tattoos. In rapid succession she gave me three…

• She thought it was Cool (I knew that she meant “Kool”). 
• She had accumulated a lot of money by working very hard for many years and she had decided that she wanted to do something meaningful with every last penny. She said, “What else was there but tattooing?” I nodded my head as if I fully saw the wisdom of this investment.
• Lastly she told me that her absolutely favorite celebrity (whose name she said escaped her at the moment) had a lot of tattoos and she was trying her best to emulate her.

Speaking for myself I think any one of these reasons sounds perfectly logical and, in many ways, downright admirable. What do you think?

Would I kid u?

PS: Okay I admit I made up all of this Foolishness…Or Is It? except the size, quantity and description of her tattoos … Or did I?

Burt Parks Sang “There She Is!” … The Smartfella? Says “Who Is She?”

I recently read a “news” article about an actress. The article tells me that she is a new celebrity and is a well-known actress but I have never heard of her. I guess, that is permissible because she probably not heard of me either.

The article informed me about parts she had played, her romantic involvements and what she is planning for her bright future. I must not have had much to do because I took the time to read the article. I probably was trying to figure out who she was. Near the end of the article, I was informed that she is coming out with a Line of Clothing and that is what got my Foolishness juices flowing.

Why does our society get excited about wearing clothes that have Celebrity Names on them?…

• Are these clothes better made than everything else we buy from China?
• Do clothes with a Celeb’s name on them fit better?
• Do the Chinese workers that make these clothes go through a more rigorous training program than those that make Fruit of the Looms?

If the above three bullets were true, I could better understand why we have to pay more but I don’t believe any of them are true.

I would feel better about wearing and paying higher prices for Celebrity Duds if I thought that the Celebs had gone out into their individual garages and designed, cut and sown all the duds themselves but this also certainly not true.

I am so extreme about this issue that I go out of my way to not buy clothes that have commercial names on them like Nike, Louie What’s His Name, Godiva Chocolates, etc.

Why should I buy, wear and pay extra for their stuff? This is free advertising for them to entice other minions to buy more of their stuff.

That having been said, if they paid me an Advertising Walking Around Fee, I would be glad to help them out.

Would I kid u?

Pip-Squeak Politics

American Heritage Dictionary defines Pip-Squeak as,

“One that is small or insignificant”

That sound about right but it is dead wrong when it comes to Presidential Politics.

Big & Important States, since they are Big & Important States, have an influence upon the states that are not Big & Important States. That's how it is.

If you don't live in a Big & Important State and you don’t like Big & Important States telling you what to do and think, then move to a Big & Important State, so you can then tell the rest of us what to do.

I'm fairly certain you did not understand what I was talking about in the above paragraphs because I'm not sure of what I was talking about in the above paragraphs either. Let me flip it around and approach my concerns from a different slant.

Why are Iowa, which has .99% of the population of the U.S. and New Hampshire which has .43% of the population of the U.S., in such positions of power and influence when it comes to who our next President is going to be?

Why do they get so much attention and money thrown at them every four years? The winners of these Pip Squeak States Contests do not always win the presidency. Heck, many of the winners do not even get their party’s nominations.

In particular regarding Iowa, every four years most Americans are baffled by the following questions…

• What is a Caucus?
• What is a Straw Pole?
• Is there really an Iowa?

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What in the heck is an Iowa Caucus?

According to a Web Site about the Iowa Caucuses by GazetteOnLine.com...

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Republican Caucuses:

Those attending will indicate their presidential preferences in what is essentially a straw poll. Voting can be done by a show of hands or by paper ballots.

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Democratic Caucuses:

The process at Democratic caucuses is more detailed…

• Beginning no earlier than 7 p.m., Democrats divide into “preference groups” based on which candidate they support.
• “Undecided” can be a preference group.
• Generally speaking, a candidate group must have 15 percent of the number of participants to be “viable.”
• Caucus participants have up to 30 minutes to join a preference group.
• After the caucus chairman determines which groups are viable, participants have another 30 minutes to realign, or join a different caucus group.
• Throughout this process, members of a preference group may attempt to persuade other caucus-goers, especially members of non-viable groups, to join their preference group.
• Non-viable groups may merge to gain enough members to meet the viability threshold.
• Or members of non-viable groups may choose to join the uncommitted preference group.
• Or they can choose not to join any group.
• When the preference groups are set, the caucus chairman will determine the number of county convention delegates each preference group is entitled to elect.
• When those numbers are totaled at the state level, the “winner” of the Democratic caucus is the one with the most delegates.

The Bottom Line (also known as…The Why Do They Bother? Line):

The results of the caucuses are not binding on either Republican or Democratic delegates to the county convention.

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Now that you understand Pip Squeak Politics I am sure that you are much more comfortable with little insignificant states like Iowa and New Hampshire having an inordinate influence about who your next president will be … Or are u?

I won’t even get into what a Straw Pole is because this Foolishness…Or Is It? has gone on long enough. (I feel badly that many of you agree with the prior sentence.)

Would I kid u?

Do I See A Pattern Here?

In my local newspaper today is an article that addresses cheating on standardized tests in the schools around here.

This Foolishness…Or Is It? is really written to gather input from you, my dear readers, about whether I am being too picky.

Here is the pattern picky me sees in articles about how our schools are performing…

• Somewhere way back in the beginning there was an article about widespread cheating by students, teachers and administrators on standardized tests.
• After awhile an article is published about how well out students are doing on standardized tests and how high they rank nationally.
• After awhile an article is published about widespread cheating by students, teachers and administrators on standardized tests.
• After awhile an article is published about how well out students are doing on standardized tests and how high they rank nationally.

As Yul Brenner said in 1956 during his portrayal of Mongkut the king of Siam in The King and I, “Etcetera, Etcetera, Etcetera”.

Would I kid u?

Today There Was A Major Population Influx Into Our Country & It’s Not Who You Think It Was

As I was driving back from South Georgia today the Casey Anthony verdict was announced. Within minutes the Major Population Influx referred to in the subject of this Foolishness…Or Is It? had occurred. It was instantaneous!

All of a sudden, on station after station, (every single one of them was talking about the verdict) Lawyers and Talking Heads were all saying the same things…

• They said they had seen this acquittal coming from the beginning.
• They knew all along that the prosecution had no case.

If you are worried about overpopulation, don’t give it a second thought. The influxers have made an even swap with the Lawyers and Talking Heads that, up until now, had been saying…

• The evidence is mounting each and every day against Casey Anthony.
• This case looks like a slam dunk for the prosecution.

No, the population of the good ole USofA has not gone up by one single person. We still have the same number of smart people as we had yesterday.

Would I kid u?

Once You Are Declared Endangered, You Are Bulletproof … Or Are You?

The Italics below are from a piece published online by National Public Radio…

Published: June 12, 2011

Spotted Owls are on the decline despite two decades of work to bring them back. So, later this month, wildlife officials are releasing a new plan to protect the owls.

Barred Owls have taken over Spotted Owl territory and in some cases even attack them. They have an advantage because they eat a wider variety of prey and are bigger birds. In places like western Washington, the Spotted Owl population has been cut in half since the Barred Owl showed up.

The Fish and Wildlife Service hopes to deal with this by "permanent removal”. (Here is the part where some of you will come to the conclusion that I started making things up.) "We're going to look at all potential opportunities, but the most humane way to do it is to shoot them."

Another article I found used a set of words that will certainly make the dead Barred Owl feel better… Instead of the word “shoot” this article referred to what they were going to do to the Barred Owl as "on-site lethal removal”.

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I know that, because of my past record of making things up, some of you think I made up this Shoot ‘Em Dead To Save ‘Em Silly Stuff. Click below to convince yourself that the basic story that started this foolishness of is 100% Certified True Foolishness.

Click Here: http://m.npr.org/story/137090033?url=/2011/06/12/137090033/killing-one-owl-species-to-save-another

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Are we now into micro-managing everything? What lies ahead? For this Foolishness…Or Is It?, I researched online about whales and it seems obvious to me that we have to do something about them because they are reeking havoc out there in our oceans…

According to Oracle ThinkQuest, the whale is the top predator in the ocean. The whale eats marine mammals and seabirds. They also eat a variety of fish such as salmon, cod, flatfish, hake, herring, and smelt. They also eat other kinds of whales. They also eat seals, sea lions, walruses, and occasionally sea otters and penguins. Lastly, they even eat squid, octopus and smaller sea creatures.

I say get rid of all the whales. They may have some spots but they certainly have no feathers and they are not even cute.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

You Can’t Park There Because You Are Not Handicapped But He Can Park There Because He Is Not Handicapped

Yes I know there are parkers out there that have a perfect right to park in handicapped parking spots but they appear to be few and far between.

I’m glad that there are parking spaces set aside for people who have physical problems but this situation is out of control for several reasons. Please allow me to explain.

There are far more spaces set aside for the handicapped than are needed…

• These two pictures were taken by me this week outside of a PGA Superstore and a Dave & Buster’s Restaurant…

This parking lot is sort of at the end of civilization. Behind the lot is an open area. There are no other businesses that share these parking spots with PGA and D&B.

There are 23 handicapped parking spaces set aside for those of us with hitches in our get-along. I have been to the PGA Store about 12 times over the years and I have never seen a single vehicle parked in one of these 23 handicapped parking spaces. I have also never seen cars waiting in line for one of the 23 spots to be vacated.

• Several years ago I went to a Denny’s in Bethlehem, PA with my brother. While in the restaurant I actually got so sick that we had to go directly to the emergency room.
• Could Jay Leno be right about all the jokes he cracks about Denny’s? Actually I don’t think so because I just love their Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich which they call Moons Over My Hammy.
• It was after we got to the hospital that I noticed there were 2 handicapped spots outside the emergency room but there had been 5 spots outside Denny’s.

There is something wrong with the You Got To Have This Many Spaces Outside Your Place of Business regulation.

The process that is being used to issue Handicapped Parking Permits is out of control…

• If people have a temporary problem that entitles them to a permit until they get better, that handicap becomes permanent. Actually the handicap goes away but the handicapped parking permit is renewed forever automatically.
• On a TV sitcom last night they joked that people with a stuttering problem can be issued a handicapped parking permit. That’s certainly Foolishness! … Or Is It?

I actually addressed this issue in my blog posting to our new president right after the 2008 election. I sent him 10 simple requests. This is the one I directed at this handicap parking issue…

• Dear Mr. New President,
  Please take into consideration the pressing issues I am directing to your attention by way of this communication… Handicapped Parking Spots … Require that anyone who parks in a handicapped parking space, that is not handicapped, become handicapped.

A wise guy with a poor sense of humor might say we need more handicapped people. I won’t go there. I will say this, if we did increase our inventory of qualified parkers, you may rest assured that we have enough spaces set aside to accommodate them.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness. 

A Roddick By Any Other Name

Since I just wrote about Wimbledon and now I am writing about tennis again you probably would be justified in drawing the conclusion that I watch a lot of tennis on TV. Actually that is far from the truth, thanks to Andy Roddick.

The truth is I do watch TV tennis matches but only until Andy Roddick loses (he lost earlier today). After he is dispatched from the tournament I go back to trying to solve the Mid-East Situation. My Mid-East Situation Solution Failure is driving me to the brink but my psychiatrist is OK with it because it allows him to continue making payments on his Lexus.

I think Andy Roddick is someone to be rooted for. As far as I know he has not been caught in any scandal (tweeting photos of parts of his body, cheating on his wife or wearing outrageous revealing outfits on the courts). He deserves my support.

Since I do want him to succeed, I have been devoting a lot of the time I do not spend on Tweeting, Face Booking or Texting to come up with a way to help Andy out. I have concluded that he needs to change his name in order to truly be successful in the modern world of tennis. In other words he needs to become European. Here is the list of name change possibilities that I just mailed to him…

Roddovic or Roddzhny or Roddakova or Roddasova or Roddarova or Roddika or Roddiska or Roddski

Any one would do the trick. Until he takes this obvious step to further his tennis career, I am going to continue to have a lot of time to work on the Mid-East Situation.

This Name Change Thing actually came to me years ago when I worked for American Motors Corporation (AMC). We made a lot of the few cars we sold in Kenosha, Wisconsin. I told one of the company higher ups one day that we ought to change the name of our cars to “Kenosha” (Kenosha Ambassador, Kenosha Matador, Kenosha Hornet, Kenosha Pacer, Kenosha Gremlin and Kenosha Javelin).

If we had done that, the American buying public would have thought we were a Japanese company and they would have bought a lot more of our cars.

Now you know why I rose to the height of my mediocre automotive career.

Would I kid u?

PS: I received an email from one of my fellow AMC employees about my Kenosha idea. He informed me that the reason that the French car company Renault did buy a large stake in AMC (before Chrysler bought all of AMC) was because they thought AMC was a Japanese company.

If Rod Laver Were Dead, He Would Be Turning Over In His Grave

This Foolishness…Or Is It? has been published twice. The first time the picture of Venus Williams in action was as big as the picture of Roger Federer.

After publishing it, I had second thoughts about the Venus Eye Trap picture. It is not the type of thing I normally incorporate into my Foolishness. It is not sophisticated. It is not high class. It just does not belong.  

If you want to see the picture larger, you can click on it and it will get bigger. Before you do that please understand that while the picture may not be X Rated but it is definitely R Rated.

If you do click on it, that is your choice and your having done so does not take away from the sophistication or the classiness of my Blog.

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It is that time of the year when those of us who enjoy tennis pay a lot of attention to what’s happening on TV because what’s happening on TV is Wimbledon!

• It is time to talk about who is playing who.
• It is time to be amazed at the dexterity of the sports’ finest athletes.
• It is time to talk about records broken, about to be broken and might be broken.

It is wonderful to behold … Or at least it used to be.

Today we appear to be distracted by another tennis happening … Tennis Outfits.

Ain’t it awful.

Here are sample headlines of what passes for Tennis News from Yahoo.com…

• Maria Sharapova Nike Outfit | Flickr – Photo.
• Wimbledon caught in Venus Eye Trap…
• Serena Williams Wimbledon Nike Outfit.
• What to Wear Wimbledon Tennis | ASOS Fashion Finder.
• Players finding ways to push fashion envelope - Tennis – ESPN.
• Caroline Wozniacki Adidas outfit | Tennis Buzz.

Even the men are strutting around in attention getting outfits…

• Rafael Nadal Wimbledon 2011 Outfit by Nike ~ ATP Men's Tennis.
• Hot - Roger Federer, 2009 Wimbledon | Most Outrageous Tennis…

I have been known to miss shots while I play tennis. From now on I will console myself by saying, “At least I don’t look as bad as Roger Federer”.

Would I kid u?

Rule Number One In The Congressional Handbook … Obfuscation Is Our Friend

When I was young the term “Mumbo Jumbo” was used as lot. Don’t hear that turn of phrase used very often in modern America but we hear Mumbo Jumbo* spoken all the time in the hallowed halls of our congress.

Actually we hear it darn near every time a politician speaks. Want a recent example to ponder? Try getting your mind around this quote from my local newspaper…

“The U.S. will put in place a clear and credible medium-term Fiscal Consolidation Framework”

I bet you will never figure that one out. Mission Accomplished. They don’t want you to figure out what they are doing because (as stated in the subject line above) obfuscation is their friend.

One of the few times you will hear a politician say something in clear language is when one says of another, “My esteemed colleague, you are not making any sense”.

Would I kid u?

*According to Wikipedia…Mumbo jumbo, or mumbo-jumbo, is an English phrase or expression that denotes a confusing or meaningless subject.

That Little Kid In The Sixth Sense Said, “I See Foolishness”…Or did he?

This is your chance to show that you have what it takes to be a Deputy Smartfella? (specializing in Foolishness).

If you think I spend my day lurking around alleys and listening at windows in the dark of night to find Foolishness, you are very wrong. It is not that complicated. All I do is watch TV and read my daily newspaper and the Foolishness miraculously appears before my eyes.

Do you want to be like me? If you just said, “Yes!” read on. If you said, “No” read on anyway because there may be a chuckle or two in the rest of this Foolishness…Or Is It?

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FIRST NEWS ARTICLE

Here are pieces excerpted from my local newspaper a few days ago…

• Headline of the news article… “Dumped body murder suspect back in Gwinnett”.
• The first paragraph of the news article reads as follows… “A Tucker teen accused of killing his friend and setting ablaze the car that contained her body is back in Gwinnett County, facing charges”.
• Later in the article it says… “The alleged killing happened in DeKalb County, where the suspect faces murder charges”.

This is your chance to prove that you are a keen observer of Foolishness. Did you see it? It is a single word. After such phrases as “dumped body murder suspect” and “killing his friend” and “setting ablaze the car that contained her body” my newspaper then jumps right into my foolish world and says “alleged killing”.

Our judicial system will still have to prove that the suspect did the actual killing but there should be no doubt that there was, in fact, a killing.

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SECOND NEWS ARTICLE

I have always having been interested in aviation, that’s why this one makes me especially sad.

Here in bullet format are the facts as laid out in the article I recently read…

• A World War II B-17 bomber (one of the last flying) took off.
• It quickly went down in a corn field.
• The plane was consumed by fire.

Are your Foolishness sensors up and ready to see the foolishness?… The article’s wording was, “A World War II B-17 bomber made what appeared to be an emergency landing in a cornfield Monday…”

Why did my newspaper use the words “appeared to be” to indicate that this happening might not have been an emergency landing?

I think this was an emergency because most planes do not land in cornfields right after takeoff and burn up.

---

I am such a keen observer of this crazy world we live in that I really think my ability to root out foolishness is truly a gift.

As you read about the two above news events did you not grasp the foolish words? If you missed them, do not feel badly. That’s why you have me.

I am here and I am ready to serve.

Would I kid u?

Two Postings That Prove I Am Ahead Of My Time

Originally Published February 2010…

What If You Are Going To Be Busy Tomorrow?

We have seen this happen dozens of times.
A public figure says something publicly and the very next day he publicly goes before cameras and publicly apologizes for his previously publicly made offensive public comments.
I have much sympathy for these people who we all admire so much. They are very busy doing public things that inspire and/or horrify us. What if they plan to go skiing the day after they make their crude, racist, stupid and/or uncaring comments? Should they be forced to rearrange or, heaven forbid, even cancel their plans so that they can apologize to us? Who are we to demand this of them? They are important people and we are not.
I think that they ought to be given the prerogative of doing a Preemptive Apology. This makes so much sense I am amazed that no one has thought of this before now. Here is how it would work…

• The public figure decides that he wants to make an apologizeable statement tomorrow.
• Because he plans to be on his way to the South of France or to go skiing in Colorado immediately following his apologizeable statement, should he not be allowed to make his apology today?
• This would fit better into his tight schedule … Apologize today … Make his crude, racist, stupid and/or uncaring comments tomorrow … Get on his private jet and be whisked off as scheduled to his well-deserved recreation.

Who could object to this logic? After all, he has packing to do.
Would I kid u?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally Published May 2010…

I’m Going To Be Rich and You Are Not

I am telling all of you my plan because I know you can't take my idea and beat me to my millions. I have the whole masterful plan of action copyrighted, patented and locked away in my safe deposit box. Sit back and be amazed at my genius…
Over and over we are being "treated" to one Important Person after another apologizing for every conceivable type of transgression. After watching and reading umpteen of these heart-rending performances, I have detected a discernible pattern to their stand-up routines. I have put together a way for these famous people to streamline their confessions/apologies and save all of us a lot of viewing or/or reading time.
I'm going to sell packages of one-liners that famous people can use to convey to us their sincere and heartfelt contrition...

1. I wish to apologize to all of my fans and supporters for betraying the trust they have placed in me.
2. I know the sorrow I have caused.
3. I accept full responsibility for my actions.
4. I have found Jesus.
5. I apologize to my wife.
6. I apologize to my children.
7. I feel your pain.
8. I especially apologize to The Children who have looked up to me as a role model.
9. I am so deeply sorry.
10. There have been many who have tried to get me to see the error of my ways and I feel especially bad for the sorrow I have caused them by rejecting their sage advice.

That's the list. Here is the time saving and money making part...
I will offer packages of the above excuses to these important people for a fee. (Always remember: They are important, we are not.)
For example, our sorrowful famous person can just step up to the mike and say, "APAL Package # 3". (“APAL” stands for Advanced Packaged Apology Listing.) He can then step away from the mike and go do lunch. The assembled news media will already have been given a list of APAL Packages. They can refer to their APAL List and scurry away to file their stories.
Price List:
Package #1 all 10...$5,000.
Package #2 will be made up of #'s 1,2,3,4,7,8,10...$4,000.
Package #3 will be made up of #'s 2,3,5,6,7...$3,500.
Package #4 will be made up of #'s 4,7,8...$3,000.
Package #5 will be made up of #'s 4,7...$2,000.
(You will notice that #7 is in all packages.)
I have decided not to offer any packages of less than two excuses for the obvious reason that the adoring public may begin to doubt the sincerity of the important person if he only used one excuse. We would not want that to happen, would we?
Would I kid u?

CBO Is Not Just Easy To Spell

There ought to be a law that prevents representatives of our two political parties from ever quoting any statistics from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO).

This tactic, which is used with equal dexterity (a congressional word for “obfuscation”) by both parties, has us concerned citizens very confused.

Before I get into explaining how they keep us in the dark, allow me to make a few points about the CBO…

• Have you ever seen an actual live person who is part of the CBO being interviewed?
• These CBO people are always talked about but never talked to.
• The CBO is the absolute final authority on how much it will cost to pay for whatever our 9% approval rated congress is doing for (or to) us.

Once the CBO has spoken (or a Congressman or a Senator has spoken for them … remember the CBO never actually speaks to us) all further discussion or analysis is considered unnecessary.

What I am about to relate to you I saw on TV today. I used my TiVo to get it exactly right. Since you are not as keen about such things as I am, you may find yourself skeptical. Don’t allow yourself to go there. Remember I am the one who does not kid you. That having been said, allow me to set the scene…

A high level Democrat and a high level Republican were guests on a political talk show. The pending legislative bill they were discussing is not important to this Foolishness…Or Is It?. The tactic they used is tried and true.  I have seen it a hundred times…

• One side goes first (it makes no difference which side goes first).
• “My party is diametrically opposed to this ill conceived legislation. The non-partisan CBO has stated that it will cost the American Tax Payer $4,375,776.33.”
• The other party’s representative is not phased by this startling amount of money (actually the only part of the opposition's statement he paid any attention to is the amount of money quoted).
• The other side counters, “My party is absolutely in favor of this ground-breaking legislation. The non-partisan CBO has stated that it will save the American Tax Payer $3,566,432.68.”
• The reason why they only pay attention to the dollar amount is that their Congressional Obfuscation Handbook teaches them to not use the exact same number because it may damage their credibility and credibility is something they jealously guard.

The icing on this awful cake is the Media Representative who is moderating the exchange of ideas never calls attention to the fact that they both quote the CBO but state that the CBO has drawn opposite positions that favor their opposite positions. The moderator just goes on to the next question on his teleprompter.

In America there were always only two sources of information and knowledge that were accepted as final the authority on anything and everything. Now that Oprah has retired, all we are left with is the CBO.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

If You Are A Lawyer, You Are Smart…Or Are You?

I have recently heard a Defense Lawyer make one of the dumbest statements I have ever heard. He was talking to the press about his very important client and he said, “For professional people, being in jail is no picnic”.

Does this mean that, if you are a butcher, a baker or a candlestick maker, being in jail is a picnic?

Silly me. It is all coming back to me. In all those jail house movies I have seen in years past the inmates were, in fact, always out in the big yard of theirs sitting on those checkered table cloths eating watermelon, ham sandwiches, fried chicken, brownies and drinking RC Colas.

How could I have ever forgotten?

Would I kid u?

We Ought To Thank The Bad Guys For Keeping Our Economy Humming Along

Have you ever stopped and given any thought to how much our economy owes to bad guys? Since you are not as deep thinking as I am this is going shock you. Yes, shock you, because it is so obvious…

Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy… Because of his Economic Stimulation Package in 1982 there are a ton of people employed since then doing such things as…

• Thousands of people diligently working every day at coming up with ways to protect us from this guy.
• Thousands more are actually manufacturing the safety things that the diligently working idea people have come up with.
• Last, but certainly not least, we have the thousands more who do the actual manufacturing of and installation of the safety thingies.

That’s a lot of thousands!

The people involved in the Tamper Proof Industry are sending their children to college with their pay checks.

Our grandchildren think that such safe guards were always with us. They do not realize that we have The Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy to thank for all of this employment.

Airplane Hijackers/Terrorists… Without the mayhem these guys have created there would be a lot more unemployed out there. They are responsible for the full range of products needed to protect us from them…

• X-ray machines.
• Conveyer belts.
• Metal detecting wands.
• Steel cockpit doors.
• TSA people everywhere you look.
• Uniforms for the TSA people.
• Baskets to put your stuff in so your stuff can be transported on the conveyer belt through the x-ray machine so the x-ray machine can do its x-raying
• Clothes pins for the noses of the TSA people that are applied after prospective passengers take their shoes off. The Clothes Pin Manufacturing Industry is one that was really struggling and needed a shot in the arm. As a matter of fact, they always open their convention each year in Las Vegas with a special thank you for the Hijackers and Terrorists who have done so much to keep their industry alive.
• Secret agents with guns sitting on airplanes looking like ordinary passengers.
• Plastic guns for the bad guys.
• Metal guns for the pilots.
• Lawyers filing law suits against the carrying of guns by pilots.

This Foolishness…Or Is It? really does not do full justice in laying out the increased employment created by Airplane Hijackers/Terrorists and the Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy. Without them 9.1% unemployment would look like a small number.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me…BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my blogs.

Commercials Talk You Into Buying A Product … Or do they?

These are the words I transcribed from a TV Commercial. I find it hard to believe that anyone would ever take this drug (treats a skin disorder) after watching this commercial and hearing these words.

The truth is the drug company is probably making a fortune…

Zxanita … may lower your ability to fight infection and increase your risk of infections … some serious infections require hospitalization … before starting Zxanita your doctor should test for tuberculosis … Zxanita may increase your risk of cancer … always tell your doctor if you have any sign of infection or if you have had cancer … alert your doctor of new or worsening problems including headaches, seizures, confusion, and vision problems … these may be signs of a rare and fatal brain condition … serious allergic reactions can occur … tell your doctor if you or anyone in your house needs or has recently received a vaccine

Zxanita is my made up name for this product. Even though the bold type above is an exact quote of the words in their TV Advertisement, I am afraid to use the product’s name because they might sue me.

How can I be sued if I am using their words? I do not know but I am not taking any chances. I can just hear their attorney, “He can’t say what we said because people might not buy our product.”

This is like in Dr. Strangelove (1964) where Peter Sellers said, "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here...This is the War Room!" 

To prove to you how far my research goes to make my silly points, I timed the commercial with a stop watch. It was 60 seconds long and 33 seconds were devoted to warning you about the dangers of using Zxanita.

Here is my suggestion for a sales pitch they might use,

Got flaky skin? Use Zxanita. It will sure as hell kill you but you will not have to worry about everyone staring at your skin problems because morticians use great cover-ups.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me…BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my blogs.