Two Postings That Prove I Am Ahead Of My Time

Originally Published February 2010…

What If You Are Going To Be Busy Tomorrow?

We have seen this happen dozens of times.
A public figure says something publicly and the very next day he publicly goes before cameras and publicly apologizes for his previously publicly made offensive public comments.
I have much sympathy for these people who we all admire so much. They are very busy doing public things that inspire and/or horrify us. What if they plan to go skiing the day after they make their crude, racist, stupid and/or uncaring comments? Should they be forced to rearrange or, heaven forbid, even cancel their plans so that they can apologize to us? Who are we to demand this of them? They are important people and we are not.
I think that they ought to be given the prerogative of doing a Preemptive Apology. This makes so much sense I am amazed that no one has thought of this before now. Here is how it would work…

• The public figure decides that he wants to make an apologizeable statement tomorrow.
• Because he plans to be on his way to the South of France or to go skiing in Colorado immediately following his apologizeable statement, should he not be allowed to make his apology today?
• This would fit better into his tight schedule … Apologize today … Make his crude, racist, stupid and/or uncaring comments tomorrow … Get on his private jet and be whisked off as scheduled to his well-deserved recreation.

Who could object to this logic? After all, he has packing to do.
Would I kid u?
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Originally Published May 2010…

I’m Going To Be Rich and You Are Not

I am telling all of you my plan because I know you can't take my idea and beat me to my millions. I have the whole masterful plan of action copyrighted, patented and locked away in my safe deposit box. Sit back and be amazed at my genius…
Over and over we are being "treated" to one Important Person after another apologizing for every conceivable type of transgression. After watching and reading umpteen of these heart-rending performances, I have detected a discernible pattern to their stand-up routines. I have put together a way for these famous people to streamline their confessions/apologies and save all of us a lot of viewing or/or reading time.
I'm going to sell packages of one-liners that famous people can use to convey to us their sincere and heartfelt contrition...

1. I wish to apologize to all of my fans and supporters for betraying the trust they have placed in me.
2. I know the sorrow I have caused.
3. I accept full responsibility for my actions.
4. I have found Jesus.
5. I apologize to my wife.
6. I apologize to my children.
7. I feel your pain.
8. I especially apologize to The Children who have looked up to me as a role model.
9. I am so deeply sorry.
10. There have been many who have tried to get me to see the error of my ways and I feel especially bad for the sorrow I have caused them by rejecting their sage advice.

That's the list. Here is the time saving and money making part...
I will offer packages of the above excuses to these important people for a fee. (Always remember: They are important, we are not.)
For example, our sorrowful famous person can just step up to the mike and say, "APAL Package # 3". (“APAL” stands for Advanced Packaged Apology Listing.) He can then step away from the mike and go do lunch. The assembled news media will already have been given a list of APAL Packages. They can refer to their APAL List and scurry away to file their stories.
Price List:
Package #1 all 10...$5,000.
Package #2 will be made up of #'s 1,2,3,4,7,8,10...$4,000.
Package #3 will be made up of #'s 2,3,5,6,7...$3,500.
Package #4 will be made up of #'s 4,7,8...$3,000.
Package #5 will be made up of #'s 4,7...$2,000.
(You will notice that #7 is in all packages.)
I have decided not to offer any packages of less than two excuses for the obvious reason that the adoring public may begin to doubt the sincerity of the important person if he only used one excuse. We would not want that to happen, would we?
Would I kid u?