I Would Not Want To Be This Guy

(I have been prodded to publish today by a dear reader who I have caused to have withdrawal pains because of my inactivity... “Starting to worry about you with no foolishness for so long but even Matthew, Mark, Luke & John took breaks”.)

The Federal Government has finally admitted that the Federal Government is not as Efficient as the Private Sector.

It is hard to believe that our rulers let this one slip. I wonder if the minion who actually wrote the words admitting this undeniable truth likes his new bleak musty windowless surroundings.

That sucker is now so far underground that, when the bad guys blow everything up, his treasured William Shakespeare Bobble Head Doll, which always sits on his desk, will not bob its little head in the slightest.

 

This is what was reported in the Wall Street Journal on Monday December 2, 2013...

• Health & Human Services had released an 8 page report claiming that it had met its promise to fix the HealthCare.gov Web Site by 11/30/13.
• There is a line in the report that boasted, “The team is operating with private sector velocity and effectiveness”.

There you have it! Our beloved Federal Government has finally admitted that the Private Sector is better than the Public Sector.

This awesome admission was followed by the chirping of crickets as no one noticed but the Smartfella and you... Or did you?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Giving North Korea Credit Where Credit Is Due

The little round leader of North Korea had an Uncle that was his closest confidant. “Had” is the operative word. Uncle was in good shape on December 8 but on December 9 he was dragged from his seat at a big meeting and 4 days later he was executed.

Don’t you see what I admire about North Korea? Do you not remember any of my diatribes about Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied?

There is no such thing as Delayed Justice in North Korea. There may be a question about Justice but, you must admit, there is no feet dragging in their courtrooms.

Those guys get right to the heart of the matter... They find some Irrefutable Evidence or Trump Up some Charges based on Flimsy Innuendos or Hearsay and it’s off with that offending head 4 days later!

This uncle guy was accused lots of things. Some of his transgressions included Womanizing, Drug Use, Gambling, Eating at Expensive Restaurants and Undergoing Medical Treatment in a Foreign Country. It’s that “Eating in Expensive Restaurants” that really cooked his goose.

In the Good Ole USofA we are more deliberate...

An accused dastardly fellow kills a whole bunch of people, with a whole bunch of people watching it happen live, while millions of other people watch it on television live, after writing a note and leaving it in the well of the U.S. Senate in a mayonnaise jar saying that he was going to kill a whole bunch of people with a whole bunch of people watching it live and intending to have millions more watching it live on television.

We take a little more than 4 days to clean up these matters. We spend 18 years trying and retrying and appealing and sentencing and staying only to decide that the accused suspected killer has suffered enough because we spent all of 18 years trying and retrying and appealing and sentencing and staying.

It is at this point that we come to the realization that both the Judicial System and the Once Dastardly Fellow can’t remember what the original crime was so we let him go on his own recognizance.

The following week the Once Dastardly Fellow and his team of lawyers sue the Judicial System of the Good Ole USofA for Delayed Justice.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

No S__t Sherlock

I did not make this up...

An official said after that student shot another student and then killed himself inside Arapahoe High School in Centennial, Colorado on December 13, 2013, “We believe, based on the fact that he was armed with multiple rounds, armed with a machete and armed with three incendiary devices, his intent was evil.”

I agree with that official’s official words.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Smartfella Has The Day Off ... This Posting Is Being Sent To You By Seriousfella

A friend sent me a link which he prefaced by saying something like...

You have probably seen this before but it is worth another look.

My first thought was...

Why do people send links they know we have seen before? Don’t they know we are covered up with emails, tweets, facebookings and threatening letters from our federal government telling us we did something we should not have done or we should have done something we did not do?

The link he sent was the one all of us have probably seen before about Bob Hope’s many Christmas Shows entertaining our troops all over the world. (The link is at the end of this blog posting.)

Here Comes The Serious Part...

It’s about the difference between Now & Back Then. The clip says Bob Hope used to walk into hospital wards full of gravely wounded military personal from all branches of our military and announce, “Don't get up”.

It was funny. The wounded laughed. Everyone laughed.

Today anyone who did this would be crucified by our beloved politically correct news media. That night on the nightly news Ole Bob would have been First Up with a lead in like, Shocking News Alert! or This Just In! or Breaking News!

As for me, Seriousfella thinks that Congress should not have let Bob Hope die because he stood up for our troops for decades.

We used to know how to laugh.

Would I kid u?

Seriousfella

Lagniappe: I hope someone sends me the opportunity to look at this clip every Christmas from now on...

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/02/bob-hope-christmas/

Good News: Budget Negotiators Are Making Progress … Bad News: Budget Negotiators Are Making Progress

My newspaper tells me that Patty Murray & Paul Ryan are “Moving Closer” to a Two-Year Budget Deal that would head off another Government Shutdown.

My newspaper was actually quivering with excitement as I read the article.

This is not good news in all circles of the Good Ole USofA. My sources have told me that it is devastating news to our National News Media. I have it on reliable sources that there is downright panic in the offices of every major news organization out there. Here are a few examples of the doom and gloom conversations taking place around the water coolers in Big Media Offices...

• What are we going to do for news?
• Do you realize how much angst we would be able to create if we were permitted to wreak the havoc we wreaked every time in the last 7 years that this type of deadline was approaching?
• The worst part is these two mental midgets are talking about coming to a Two Year Agreement. That means we will not be able to cause the folks back home to panic next year either! That’s unconscionable! That’s un-American! There ought to be a law about the laws this 9% approval rated congress is allowed to pass!
• I have been furiously writing End of the World and End of the Good Ole USofA articles at a feverish pitch and now these articles are going to be useless (actually he was taking the same such articles from the last panic and changing the publication dates).
• I had hopes that the timing of this coming budget showdown was going to be so strong that the folks back home would have completely ignored the Super Bowl. That truly would have been a feather in our cap! Can you just imagine the damage to the economy we would have generated if we could have caused the Super Bowl Stadium to be empty for the big game!

The Smartfella has this to say to our panic stricken news media...

Calm down. Remember that Murray and Ryan are members of a 9% approval rated congress. What are the chances that they will agree on anything constructive? It’s all going to be OK.

...Or is it?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(395)

Judge Houston, We Have An Eyewitness Who Saw The Whole Crime Being Committed From Start To Finish, But We Have A Problem

This scenario has not happened yet but it is only a matter of time before it will be reality. Because you have the good fortune of being an enlightened reader of Foolishness...Or Is It?, you are privy to the sad future that awaits us.
Please allow me to set the scene...

• We are in a court of law in the Good Ole USofA in the not too distant future.
• The trial in process involves a case of a very gruesome alleged murdered victim which has been capturing headlines for many months.
• The alleged murderer of the alleged murdered victim has been arrested and is standing trial before a jury of his peers.
• An eyewitness who saw the alleged murder of the alleged victim from his first floor bedroom window just 10 yards from where the alleged murderer is alleged to have done his alleged murdering has just been called to the stand and has been duly sworn in.

This is the point in the proceedings where strange things start happening. The eye witness is asked a series of questions. The eyewitness makes no attempt to answer any of the questions put to him. He is very attentive to the prosecuting attorney but remains completely unresponsive.
Judge Houston steps in and summons the two attorneys to the bench and explains to the prosecuting attorney the reality of modern societal evolution in present day Good Ole USofA...

Henry, you are wasting your time asking verbal questions of the witness. You witness does not talk. He only texts. He is not being obstinate. He really is a cooperative witness. He simply has forgotten how to communicate verbally.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(309)

The Obvious Way To Control Global Warming

This is such a logical fix for Global Warming, Global Climate Change or whatever it is being called today...

1. Recall all Thermometers.

2. Our Congress then should pass a law requiring all Thermometers sold in the future only go up to 92 degrees.

That ought to do it.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(62)

It Seems To Me That I have To Make Up Less & Less

The complete sentence represented by the above subject is...

Its Seems To Me That I Have To Make Up Less & Less Silliness In Order To Write About My Foolishness

I read recently where there is a whole bunch of legal maneuverings, protests and appeals of prior court rulings because the FDA has not yet conclusively ruled whether or not the new compounds used for Criminal Executions are safe to kill people.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(91)

Shouting At My Car’s Radio

Back in my youth (when I was swashbuckling) while I was in the U.S. Army’s Flight School and I was told...

Flying Is Hour Upon Hour of Sheer Boredom ... Punctuated Intermittently By Moments of Stark Terror

I never experienced the boredom part but can personally testify to the stark terror part.

Yesterday I drove 10 hours to get home from my 103 year old aunt’s funeral. Here is what I intermittently experienced during the drive...

Hour Upon Hour Of Sheer Boredom ... Punctuated Intermittently By Episodes of My Having To Shout At My Car’s Radio

In June 2007 I tried to fix a problem in our society but during my boring drive I found out that my fix did not fix anything.

Several times I found myself shouting at my radio because one of the best holidays we have in the Good Ole USofA was repeatedly referred to as Turkey Day by my radio.

Sometimes I think no one out there listening to me but that could not be... Or could it?

Please click here: http://forii.blogspot.com/2007/06/pet-peeves.html

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(188)

There Must Be A Better Word

A headline in my local newspaper today 11/22/13...

Dallas prepares for JFK Anniversary

I realize that, in the strictest sense of the word, “anniversary” fits...

“An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the same date of the year as the initial event.”

The Smartfella thinks (there I go again) that we ought to be able to find a better word. He does not see evil intent in calling JFK’s Assassination an Anniversary but Anniversary sounds more like a celebration than a commemoration.

I’m not celebrating today.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(106)

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

George Washington Ain’t Worth Much

If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question. That is why I’m not going to email every person in the Good Ole USofA to find out how many of them know who George Washington was. I don’t want to know the answer.

It is sad that my fellow Americans might not know who Ole George was. It is even sadder to contemplate how many of them might think he was related to George Brett or George Harrison or George Clooney or George of the Jungle.

Remember a few blog posting back when I told you about how Already Been Chewed Chewing Gum Chewed by Gene Simmons had been auctioned off for $246,602? It is now obvious that Ole George can’t hold a candle to Mr. Simmons.

Christie’s Auction House just offered a rare document signed by George Washington Proclaiming Thanksgiving a National Holiday and no bid was offered for this awesome piece of history.

As I said in the Subject above... George Washington Ain’t Worth Much.

On the other hand, if Curious George had chewed and spit out a piece of Thanksgiving Turkey Meat and Christie’s had offered it for auction, that once juicy morsel would have caused quite a bidding frenzy.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: If you want to again enjoy (I hope) what I had to say about Mr. Simmons and his Chewed Chewing Gum, click the link below:

http://forii.blogspot.com/2013/10/look-down-there-is-gold-down-there.html

(245)

It Would Be An Endangered Species, If It Were A Species

There was a time in the not too distant past where people took the time to Stare...

• After signing in to a doctor’s office we sat down with a Worried Stare.
• After signing into the DMV we sat down with an I’m Never Going to Get out Of Here Stare.
• As the passenger in an automotive vehicle we Stared at the Road. (Actually I wish drivers would return to staring at the road.)

How things have changed. With very few exceptions we no longer stare at anything. We now pull out an electronic device and we peck away in our own private World of Distraction.
If Staring were a species it would be on the verge of being placed on the Endangered Species List. Actually it will probably never make the list. It is going to go direct to the Extinct Species List in the not too distant future.

------------------------

There is a good kind of Staring that appears to be alive and well. Have you ever noticed how parents Stare at their babies? At some point the babies probably start thinking about why those people who are constantly staring at them are not pecking at their devices.

------------------------

As the economist said after giving sound economic advice about a sound economic course of action, “On the Other Hand”...
On the other hand, pecking at a device just might be a form of Staring. I came to this realization while I was in church recently.
Sister Mary Grinyon taught us that is was a Mortal Sin to not go to church on Sunday.
I certainly understand that Mortal Sins were placed on the Extinct List years ago but there were 3 children in the foyer of our church that would have been on the precipice of an Awful Mortal back in the old days.
I had occasion to be in the foyer of church for an extended period waiting for someone. Please understand that the foyer is a long way from what is going on in the church itself. The whole time I was back there these little “worshipers” in the picture below were curled up in three easy chairs staring at and pecking at their smart phones...

When their parents returned from their weekend trip to the mountains and asked if they had gone to church, their children would have looked them straight in their adoring eyes and said, “Yes we did”. Their parents would certainly be proud and content in the knowledge that their little darlings were growing into the strong Catholics that they had always hoped they would be.
Parents are easily fooled but Sister Mary Grinyon would have known the truth (she always did).
If these 3 “churchgoers” were all killed in the same car wreck, they better hope their lawyer was in that car with them. That way, when they got the Pearly Gates, he will be there in order to argue their case for immediate entrance and get them into heaven on a technicality...

Your Honor, it’s Peter, is it not?, my 3 clients were in church. If they were not there, they would not have been there but they were physically not present so they were technically there. Open up!

Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(556)

Senators Worried About Re-Election

Those of you who are against Obamacare are tickled pink that a bunch of Democrat Senators are fighting President Obama about his signature legislation. You feel this is real neat. You see light at the end of the tunnel for your hopes to see Obamacare stopped!...

You are not very good at seeing the whole picture, are you?

Have you taken note that this bunch of senators is up for re-election and that’s why they are getting “brave”?

Do you think it just an accident that the people lining up against the president are all up for re-election?

What’s that you said? Did I hear you really say, “Yes, Smartfella, I think it is an accident”? Well, as I said above...

You are not very good at seeing the whole picture, are you?

It is no accident. It’s entirely predictable. Our Congress is all too often (always?) looking out for itself and this is all too sad.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: If you have not had enough of me for today, go to the link below and see how I touched on this subject in a slightly different way in January ‘10...

http://forii.blogspot.com/search?q=election+year

Going Out On A Limb About What “They” Are Telling Us ... Again

The Lanternfish is a very small glow in the dark organism with huge eyes that is making news because it eats tons of Ocean Plastic. The Smartfella thanks these little fish for being Ocean Litterbugs but he also quibbles with the number of them we are told are out there gobbling up that awful plastic.

I read that there are 660 Million Tons of Lanternfish. Ever skeptical the Smartfella asks, “How do “they” know there are more than 659 Million Tons of Lanterfish?”

Then there is the question of the reported capacity of the stomachs of these 660 million Tons of Lanternfish? “They” estimate that the Lanternfish have eaten 970,000 Metric Tons of plastic. I find this hard to believe also. Even if it is true, how do “they” know the amount eaten is 970,000 Metric Tons? Golly gee, these little fish only grow to a length of up to 6 inches!

On the other hand, 660 million tons of anything could probably accomplish amazing feats of whatever they set their minds to feating about.

Next thing we are going to be told that these little fish glow in the dark by producing light that is given off by tiny organs known as photophores which cause a chemical reaction inside the photophore that gives off light in a chemical process known as bioluminescence.

I’m sure glad “they” did not tell me that... Or did “they” not?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(265)

A Modern Question Of Protocol

We have seen this time after time... There is a guy with a gun in a Business Office, a School, a Public Park, an Airport, a Theatre, etc. and the reports come in on the nightly news about how everyone ran for cover as soon as the gunfire started. Running and Ducking and Covering & Getting the Heck Out of There is the order of the day in the Good Ole USofA.

I read in my newspaper a few day ago where things may be starting to change. Some guy started shooting in a gym and the people in the gym took a new course of action. Here is what the Police Chief said in an interview...

Four shots were fired in the gym and several witnesses took cell phone photos of the shooter in action.

The subject of this posting says this is about A Modern Question of Protocol. Don’t you see it?

The question is, if you are present when the shooting starts and you have a gun in one hand and a cell phone in the other, what is the proper course of action?...

Should you take your gun and shoot the sucker dead or should you make a video with your cell phone and put the video on You Tube so that we can all observe the carnage as it is actually happening?

You can see that this is one thorny issue. I can see the lines being drawn as I peck this out. Many a Discussion Group, Focus Group and Blue Ribbon Committee will be held before a consensus is reached on this one.

(There I go showing how old my thinking is by using the word “consensus”. Is this word still in the dictionary? There is a pretty good chance it has fallen out of Webster’s due to lack of use. I am certain it is no longer in the Congressional Dictionary.)

At first blush most of you would say that the video takes precedence because you are a creature of the times you live in but I have a sense that times are changing in this country. The best example of why I feel change is afoot is the School Prayer Signs that are springing up across the Fruited Plain...

The sign with which we are so familiar reads:

“Prayer Is Not Allowed In This School”

In many school districts the sign has been changed to:

“Prayer Is Not Allowed In This School Until After The Third Shot Is Fired”

Our being allowed to again pray in school, under certain very limited circumstances, is our society edging its way back toward Religious Tolerance.

The Founding Fathers just may stop turning over in their graves after all. I bet they are tired.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(469)

Bullying Has Limits ... Or Has It?

Bullying is in. We are seeing more and more stories about this unsettling phenomenon in our daily news reports.

When we were coming up it was Butch and he was king of the recess period. He was feared. He was avoided. He was followed around by his “friends” as he hurried about the school yard performing his daily task of making the rest of us hide and scurry away from him.

Regarding his “friends” mentioned above. They were not real friends in the truest sense of the word. They aligned themselves with him in order to avoid the shame of having to become Scurriers and Hiders themselves.

Now my newspaper tells me about a new type of bullying victim I thought I would never see. The newest victim is an NFL Football Player. This shows how far the Art of Bullying has progressed since Butch’s reign of terror at St. Anthony of Padua in the 1950s.

I personally think this is an impossibility. I do not think it is physically possible to bully a person who weighs 312 pounds and stands 6’ 5” tall but that’s what we are being asked to believe has happened to a certain Miami Dolphin Football Player.

If you read my blogging on a regular basis you know I do not have much respect for our News Media. This proves that it does not have any respect for us. They think we will believe anything.

Next thing we know they will be telling us that the manufacture of Food Asbestos is not the largest industry in China.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(275)

How To Live Forever

When I was in high school I had One Ball Point Pen at a time. It was a Parker T Ball Jotter. When I lost it, I scraped together $2.59 and bought another pen. I also was mad at myself for being so careless and having to come up with another $2.59. I always pledged I would never lose that new one but many times it just disappeared.

It just dawned on me! Maybe I did not lose it after all. I bet it was stolen by one of my classmates that did not have $2.59. I bet it was Carlo Spariscello!

Oh yea, back to How To Live Forever...

I just took note that I have an unbelievable number of Ball Point Pens all over my house. After I took note, I thought, if I had to use all the ink out of all those pens before I would be allowed to die, I would live a very long time, probably forever.

I went online to www.GodI’mReallyUpHere.sky and looked around at what Longevity Plans were being offered at this time. I found one that suited my interest to a tee. It’s called...

Live Forever Because You Won’t Die Until You Have Used Up All Your Ball Point Pen Ink

I was shocked and quite pleasantly surprised and signed up immediately!

What’s that you are saying? You think I am making this up? I thought I had proven my doubters wrong enough times in my storied past that this would not be happening again. I can hardly believe my dear readers sometimes!

OK, I am going to overlook your disbelief. I have my own incentive for looking the other way. If you go to the web site above and signup for Live Until Your Pens Run Dry Offer, I can have another ball point pen magically appear in one of my many pencil boxes. All you have to do is insert the Offer Code Box “Da Smartfella” and I miraculously get my extra pen. Please remember to put in the Offer Code!!!

After pecking in the 3 Exclamation Points above I took a break and watched the National News for 10 minutes. It only took those 10 minutes to make me change my mind. Please do not put me in that Offer Code Box!!! There is no way I wanna live forever.

I also just threw a whole bunch of pens into our family Goodwill Donations Box.

If you think you still do want to live forever, go right ahead and sign up but, my advice to you is, go watch TV News for 10 minutes before you finalize your decision.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(451)

Kill Everything Else

In July 2011 I wrote about our Fish & Wildlife Service’s plan to save Spotted Owls by shooting the Barred Owl. They called this “onsite lethal removal”. They politically corrected “killing” & “shooting” to make the Dead Barred Owls feel better.

If you want to refresh yourself about my diatribe about Barred & Spotted Owls, click this link... http://forii.blogspot.com/2011/07/once-you-are-declared-endangered-you.html

Well they are at it again. The people who are in charge of protecting creatures out there by killing creatures out there have decided that the Cutthroat Trout need to be protected. Here is the sub headline to an article I read on the subject...

In Bid to Restore Native Cutthroat Trout, Yellowstone National Park Officials Order Fly-Casters to Kill Everything Else They Catch

You are thinking I made this one up, are you not? If you want to read all about it, go the Wall Street Journal October 19/20, 2013 and read the article on page A6.

“Native” is the key word responsible for sending our rangers into such a Kill ‘Em Dead Frenzy. It seems the Rainbow was introduced into Yellowstone in 1889. The Native Cutthroat was already there and the Cutthroat has been miffed ever since.

I guess 124 years is not long enough for the Rainbow Trout to become classified as “native”.

To really appreciate how determined our Park Service is read this quote from the article that has sent the Smartfella into this tirade...

“At Yellowstone Lake, where cutthroats are a key link in the wildlife food chain, biologists have gillnetted hundreds of thousands of non-native lake trout. To clear rivers and streams, biologists are stunning fish with electricity or spraying rotenone, a root-based chemical that asphyxiates fish.”

It is fortunate for the Cutthroat that it is the only fish that has the ability to read so they can read the signs that the rangers have placed in the rivers that warns them not to swim in the areas of the river where the Park Service Rangers are waiting to snare their little gills, shoot them full of unwanted electricity and/or asphyxiate them. The illiterate fish swim right past those signs to their doom.

The Smartfella’s opinion is that the Park Service is making a mistake to put all of its emphasis on killing all those non-native fish. Someone has to step up and address the Fisherman Issue! It is the Fisherman’s desire to catch Rainbow Trout that creates the demand for those little buggers in the first place.

They also create a multi-million dollar industry because they descend on Yellowstone staying in hotels and eating in restaurants. They also waste a lot of their children’s inheritance by purchasing all those off-road vehicles, fishing tackle, boats, clothing, little fly thingies, rods and reels, cigars and funny looking hats.

There is a lot of money pumped into the Yellowstone Economy by all of what is talked about in the above paragraph. We can’t have that, can we?

What is the solution? You all know what the solution is but you are too Politically Correct to come out and say it. The Smartfella is not PC. I say Shoot The Fisherman and return Yellowstone to its Native Pristine State.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(540)

Someone Has To Be Held To Account!

It now seems that anytime anything bad happens we are looking for someone to blame before the smoke clears...

• D.C. Naval Base Killings: There have been questions raised about the D.C. Naval Base Killings. The Talking Heads are talking their heads about whose fault it was that so many people were killed.

Silly me, I thought it was that Bad Guy with a Gun that was responsible for so many people being killed.

• 19 Forest Fire Firefighters Killed: On this past June 30, 19 firefighters were killed fighting a major forest fire in Arizona. Forest fires are dangerous and unpredictable. The people that fight such fires are paid extra for what they do because we recognize that Forest fires are dangerous and unpredictable.

Now there is an investigation going on to find out who was responsible for their deaths. I’ve heard it said on TV recently, “Questions have been raised about who made the decision that put those 19 firefighters in danger”.

The Smartfella knows how to keep the firefighters out of danger. Simply say to them, “Fellas, there is an awful big fire raging in Northern California. To be on the safe side, I recommend that you go fight this Northern California Fire in Southeastern Arizona”.

• Healthcare.gov Rollout: The number of people who are pointing fingers at other people about this one is hard to count.

I tried to go to the site just now and I was greeted by this message: “Sorry, Bad Request.” Must be my fault. I must not know how to spell HealthCare.gov.

The Smartfella was paid extra during his time in Vietnam. His country said to him, “Fella, we know what you do is dangerous. We are willing to give you Extra Pay because we appreciate that danger. Here, take this $50 a month extra as Combat Pay and, if you remember to duck this month, we will give you more big bucks next month”.

Come to think of it, if I had stayed in Vietnam, I could have racked in $28,800 plus interest by now in Combat Pay.

In some of my Blog Postings I claim that I can see into the future. This proves I really can’t because, if I could, I would have seen that $28,800 plus interest in my future and I would have stayed put and kept ducking for the last 48 years.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(414)

Why Do We Invent Crimes?

That recently resigned mayor who was forced out of office because he had a tendency to Grab/Pinch/Kiss any woman within reach is getting a raw deal.

Hold on a minute. Don’t start pecking out a comment or an email or placing a call to the Smartfella on the phone to set him straight. The “raw deal” reference above is defensible but it is hard to see because it is surrounded by foolishness. Please allow me to explain...

The once mayor knows when the jig is up (whatever that means). He figured out that he was in Deep Do Do, resigned and pleaded guilty to Felony False Imprisonment and two Misdemeanor Counts of Battery.

The two Misdemeanor Counts of Battery stem from Kissing or Groping two different women. That will teach him!

Where I start quibbling with what is happening to him is the False Imprisonment Charge...

• Did he lock some women up in his basement when they did not ask to be locked up in his basement?
• Did he throw them into the trunk of his car with his golf clubs?
• Did he put a chair up against the door knob of the exit door from the ladies room late on Friday afternoon and force them to sit in there all weekend?

No, he did not do any of these awful things. Here is what he did...

The False Imprisonment Charge stems from putting a female co-worker in a headlock.

The article did not say how long he had “imprisoned” her in his lock. I will concede that this is not the proper thing to do to a female co-worker but, I ask you, is this really “imprisonment” in the strictest sense of the word?

I will further concede that, if he had locked her head and kept her locked head in there for a weekend that would be “imprisonment”. If he did such a dastardly thing he should get his just deserts (whatever that means).

I have an idea. Why not charge him with something more to the point like...

Putting a Female Co-Worker in a Headlock?

If the Smartfella made any money off of his blog, he might be able to hire some of the Charge Inventors away from our Judicial System to come up with Silliness for my blog.

They could then feed me Silly for my Foolishness.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(405)

Look Down ... There Is Gold Down There

I guess it is OK that I don’t know who Gene Simmons is because I’m fairly certain that he does not know who the Smartfella is.
However, in order to trick you into thinking I am hip, I Googled Mr. Simmons. I am even going to put his picture in this blog so you will not embarrass yourself by emailing me and asking who he is...

That’s him. As you can see, he is one of those KISS singer guys. Don’t be afraid those horns are not part of his anatomy. They are sewed on... Or are they?
I am now finally going to get around to telling you about how you could be rich if you were a Gene Simmons or another Adored Hollywood Celebrity of equal notoriety.
It seems Gene Simmons has auctioned off a piece of Already Been Chewed Chewing Gum he had personally already chewed. He auctioned it off on Sky TV’s “Soccer Am” (whatever that is) for $245,602.
He is giving this ridiculous amount of money for his chewed chewing gum to Charity. He is such a good guy that he is not enriching himself off the stupidity of someone with fewer brains than his chewed gum.
My sources in Hollywood tell me that a passel of Hollywood Celebs have taken note of what Gene Simmons did and they are all chewing up a storm. The big difference is these are not charitable chew ventures on their part. They are in it for the money!
However, the real money maker in this phenomenon is not chewing gum. Several celebs have figured out that chewed chewing gum can be produced fairly rapidly and over supply will bring down its value. However, Belly Button Lint is slow to accumulate, is more scarce and this is where the big bucks are going to be made in the future.
The smart ones are not those that are digging in their belly buttons immediately upon realizing that there is gold down there. The ones that allow their lint to accumulate to Commercial Grade are the ones that will score big.
My dear readers, I know there are some (many) of you who think I made this whole thing up. To those I say...

You just wait. A couple of years from now there will be a Celeb Belly Button Buying Frenzy that you won’t believe!

When that comes to pass, I will expect a formal email or tweet of apology from each of you Fella Doubters.
Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(430)

Wal-Mart Haters Take Note Because There Is Hope For The Future

The beginning of this Foolishness...Or Is It? is not about Wal-Mart but it is about the precursor to Wal-Mart the Great Atlantic & Pacific Tea Company (A&P)...

• A federal judge in Woodrow Wilson's day deemed A&P a "monopolist".
• A prosecutor in Franklin Roosevelt's administration called A&P a "giant blood sucker".
• Another federal judge, during Harry Truman's presidency, convicted A&P of violating antitrust law.
• The federal government investigated A&P almost continuously for a quarter of a century.
• More than half the states tried to tax A&P out of business.

Yes, for its marketing strategy of Selling Groceries Cheaply, A&P has paid a very heavy price.

Today, long after its birth near the docks of lower Manhattan, the Great A&P is reaching the end. It has filed for Chapter 11 and is seeking a buyer but no one is stepping up to buy it.

A&P once was once the most controversial company in the country and the center of a struggle over the very nature of American Capitalism.

Since you are reading this on a Word Processor, rewrite the above sentence and Word Process it into... “Wal-Mart is the most controversial company in the country and is the center of a struggle over the very nature of American Capitalism”.

The Smartfella enjoys Wal-Mart. He enjoys walking around a Wal-Mart amongst all the people who are glad that Wal-Mart is there for them to save money. They need to Buy for Less because they don’t make a lot of money while the people who are engaged in their never ending attack on Wal-Mart enjoy walking around those other more expensive stores and Buying for More.

All of you Wal-Mart Haters now have reason to cheer because A&P is about done for...

• The good news for you is Wal-Mart is very likely going to follow A&P into bankruptcy some day.
• The bad news for you is A&P started in 1849.
• The other bad news for you is Wal-Mart started in 1962.
• The other other bad news is Wal-Mart has only been around 51 years and, based on the A&P Longevity Model, it will be another 113 years before y’all will be able to say this about Wal-Mart, “See, I told you it was going to go out of business”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(401)

Don’t You Dare Say Our Federal Government Cannot Do Three Things At The Same Time!

Yesterday our beloved Federal Government resolved three biggies on the same day…

• It resolved the Federal Government Shutdown.
• It resolved the latest Debt Limit Silliness by Kicking the Can Down the Road. Actually my use of “resolved” is not a proper use of the word “resolved”. Their kick only nicked the ole can because the ole can only went a short distance down the ole road.
• It resolved the SEC’s five year old attack on Mark Cuban by finding ole Mark NOT GUILTY.

I attacked the SEC’s attack on Mr. Cuban in my blog posting on 3/29/13. Click below to enjoy (I hope) my silliness all over again…

http://forii.blogspot.com/2013/03/this-is-not-written-in-defense-of.html

Since this is the bottom of this one, I will peck out The Bottom Line…

If the SEC is going to spend five years attacking one of us, they ought to be required by Federal Law to have a case against that particular one of us.

Where does Mr. Cuban go to get the five years of Big Bucks he spent defending himself?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(196)

The Yahoo! That Would Be Heard Round The World

Today it appears that the Latest Fiscal Crisis is resolved...

Or has it just been kicked down the road a bit?

Several times (including in this morning’s newspaper) I have read speculation that John Boehner’s job as Speaker of the House was in jeopardy.

The Smartfella thinks that, if John Boehner did lose his job, he just might give out the loudest Yahoo! heard in Washington, D.C. is quite some time.

Actually, if he did not display sheer delight in being given the boot, he ought to use his considerable Congressional Health Plan Benefits to have his own head examined.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(115)

It’s Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature ... Or The Police

In my newspaper I am told that one of our local police departments conducted an Eight and a Half Hour Swat Standoff Operation with an unusual outcome. Allow me to explain...

• The bad guy ran back into the Standoff House before the police arrived.
• The SWAT Team was called in to augment the police.
• All outside the Standoff House stood around crouching behind things and shouting through bullhorns at the Standoff House from 10pm until 6:30am.
• The bad guy talked to the SWAT Team members on their respective phones several times during the night.
• A robot was sent in to search the Standoff House for the bad guy.
• Later officers stormed the Standoff House to get the bad guy.

It was finally determined that the bad guy was not in the Standoff House.

At 7:15am the bad guy came back to the Standoff House which he was not in and all those crawling, shouting, crouching and gun totting SWAT Team members were really mad at him!

A SWAT Team member is quoted as saying that the Bad Guy must have exited the house unseen when officers initially arrived on the scene. The Smartfella has this to say about that, “No s**t, Sherlock!”

To show their displeasure the Bad Guy was charged with Aggravated Assault, Possession of a Firearm by a Felon and Simple Battery.

The Smartfella believes these are trumped up charges. The Bad Guy’s real crime was Making Officers of the Law Look Silly for 510 Minutes.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(271)

There Is No There In There

Today I opened a box of delicious chocolate chip cookies. I only said “delicious” but I should have said delicious looking because the picture of the cookies on the box was delicious looking but there were no cookies in the box... Or were there?

Being the curious type I immediately became curious about why there were no cookies in my box after I spent my hard earned money for Delicious Looking Chocolate Chip Cookies. This is what the cookies contained based on what I read off the side of my box...

• No Trans Fats
• No Gluten
• No Milk
• No Peanuts
• No Tree Nuts
• No Cholesterol
• No Eggs

To be honest with you, I was surprised the list did not say, “No Do-Nut Holes”.

As it turns out, my cookies were actually in my box but my cookies were invisible because there was nothing in them.

I Googled, “How to hold invisible cookies” and figured out how to hold them so I could eat them.

I thought they were good but there was something missing. They definitely needed more Fat Content.

Everyone knows we need fat in out diet because fat lubricates our joints.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(212)

Want To Worry? ... Read Your Newspaper!

Actually it started last month and now it is again that hallowed time of the year. It's the time we all look forward to every year with such great anticipation...

It's time to start worrying about the Christmas Shopping Season.

Did you notice how your blood pressure started to rise as you read “Christmas Shopping Season”? It is quite possible your ears actually moved at the tantalizing news that jumped into your brain through your ear holes.

The bad news is they started demanding that we worry about the Christmas Shopping Season on September 17. This is rather early, is it not? I find that quite depressing and distracting because I have my own Worry Agenda that I prefer to concern myself with...

• Football games.
• Those big wasps like bugs that are digging all those holes in my lawn and dragging cicadas in and munching on them.
• Why it is I keep installing computer thingies into my computer that say they can be set up in “Three Easy Steps” but don’t install in three easy steps? What I really worry about is why I continue to believe they will install in three easy steps. Will I ever learn? What’s wrong with me? Am I starting to lose it?

In case you missed the article itself, here is the opening paragraph of the Christmas Worry Season Article in my newspaper...

“An early forecast predicts the holiday-shopping season will be the worse since 2009.”

Then only two paragraphs later I am told that my worrying about what the first paragraph told me to worry about may be unnecessary worry...

“Early forecasts are often well off the mark.”

That does it! I am swearing off things that I am told I should worry about. I am going back to my own personal worry stuff (football, cicadas being munched on under my lawn and computer installation lying).

There I feel better... Or do I?

We all know that worry can ward off future dire consequences... Or does it?

Now I am worried that if I don’t worry about things that I should worry about will it result in awful dire consequences?

Boy I am glad this bit of Foolishness is over! Now where was I? I must have been doing something important... Or was I?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(397)

There Are A Whole Bunch Of Them Somewhere Out There

The quantity of those people running around our country who were once called Illegal Aliens is an ever changing number, but according to our crack news media, no matter how often the number changes it is always the same number it was before it changed.

For many years now there have been 11,000,000 of them out there…

• We don’t know where they are but we know there are 11,000,000 of them here.
• We don’t know when they got here but we know there are 11,000,000 of them here.
• We don’t know for sure how they got here but we know there are 11,000,000 of them here.
• We don’t know how they keep getting here but we know there are 11,000,000 of them here.
• Periodically we hear that a bunch of them went back. How do we know that if we don’t know where they are or how they got here or how they got back? What we do know is, after a bunch of them went back, there were 11,000,000 of them still here.
• Periodically we are told more came in from somewhere and are living someplace in the Good Ole USofA and, as a result of more coming in, we know that there are 11,000,000 of them here now.

There are times when I begin to doubt that everything our news media tells us is factual but then a Member of Congress stands up and says that there are 11,000,000 of them out there somewhere and I know for sure that there are 11,000,000 of them somewhere out there... Or are there?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(285)

BuzzNet Tags: 11 Million,Illegal Aliens

I Am Now Financially Set For Life

Opportunity knocks at the most unexpected times. Thankfully I was ready for it and I have taken action to set myself up financially for life.

This stroke of genius has taken a huge worry from my mind. I had been counting on the proceeds from the sale of my book to take care of me in my fast approaching golden years but my mind is not yet so golden that I could not see that that plan was in jeopardy.

I have set up a company called, Monuments Up Close. Out of my garage at this moment are flowing a line of products that will revolutionize Washington D.C. national monument viewing in Shut Down America.

Since our Federal Government has determined that during the Shut Down we are not allowed to get close to the Washington D.C. Monuments, I am making it possible to get close without getting close. (All of the parts of all of the packages below will be painted Red White & Blue, of course)...

• Bronze Package...A set of Binoculars or one of those Zoomies Binocular Eyeglasses advertised on TV for seeing our beloved monuments over the top of the barricades.
• Silver Package...Includes the Bronze Package but adds one of those 3 Step Folding Ladders from Home Depot to allow the Silver Package owner to see over those cheap people who only bought Bronze Packages.
• Gold Package...Includes the Bronze and Silver package but adds a Turntable that revolves 360 degrees so the Gold Package Owner can see the full panorama of our nation’s capital. The turntable will make a complete revolution in exactly 13 minutes in honor of the 13 original colonies.
• Platinum Package... Includes the Bronze, Silver and Gold Package but adds a Sound System that will play a continuous loop of John Philip Sousa Music.

The only thing that could put a damper on my plan for a comfortable retirement is if the Federal Government Shutdown came to a quick end.

When I look at the makeup of the Rulers who are presently ruling us I am confident that the end will not be quickly forthcoming and my retirement financial security is assured.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(375)

43 Things Tags: Government Shut Down,Monuments

The Consequences Of Losing Your Temper Have Become Dire

My newspaper tells me that a country singer who I have never heard of is in deep trouble for getting mad. To make his situation worse, he dared to get mad at an old person. Allow me to explain...

• The ill tempered Country Singer has a home on the water.
• A 70 year old Charter Boat Captain makes a habit of chartering his charter boat past the Country Singer’s home on the water.
• As he goes by he makes his chartered passengers aware of the famous Country Singers place of residence.
• It has been reported that the Charter Boat Captain has been known to point his finger at the Country Singer’s abode.
• The Country Singer did not like the passing and pointing so he shouted at the Charter Boat Captain and his Boat and his Passengers as they floated by.

The problem with floating by an Country Singer’s home and making him an Irate Country Singer is you have to pass back by the Irate Country Singer’s home to get back to where you dock your boat.

This is the point where the plot thickened...

• The Irate Country Singer got in his boat and followed the Pointing Charter Boat Captain back to his docking place.
• Once at the docking place the Irate Country Singer shouted at the Charter Boat Captain and threatened to punch him in his old nose (remember his nose was 70 years old).

This is the end of my story about the Charter Boat Captain and the Irate Country Singer... Or is it?

Charges have been brought against the Irate Country Singer. Can you guess what charges have been brought? ... Being a Meanie? ... Threatening? ... Shouting? ... Following?

The Irate Country Singer has been charged with...

Making Terroristic Threats & Abuse of an Elderly Person

Regarding the first charge, Making Terroristic Threats: Does it not seem that the word “terroristic” is thrown around an awful lot these days? Is “terroristic” even a word? What is the difference between threatening to punch a person in the nose and threatening to punch a person in the nose terroristicly? Is “terroristicly” a word? If it’s not, it will be shortly. That’s progress.

Regarding the second charge, Abuse of an Elderly Person: Is shouting at a young person less of an offense than shouting at an elderly person? If so, there ought to be a Federal Law requiring all of us to wear baseball caps that prominently display for all potential shouters exactly what our ages are. That way, when we start to lose it, we can be forewarned that we may be about to commit a really serious crime.

I am not sure just how much trouble our Irate Country Singer is in but I sure hope he is not in as much trouble as that woman who has been sentenced to 20 Years in Prison for Firing a Warning Shot.

There you go again. You are thinking I made up the Firing a Warning Shot Silliness. If you really think I made this one up, Google It!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(531)

IceRocket Tags: Elderly People,Terroristic Threats,Terroristic,Criminal Charges

I Not About To Get In The Middle Of The Raising The Debt Ceiling Controversy... Or am I?

Back when we had Freedom of Speech in this country, I would not have been so hesitant to peck out this Blog Posting. I’m gonna peck on anyway...

Our 10% approval rated congress is again talking about whether we ought to raise the Debt Ceiling.

Should our rulers not be talking about what we are doing wrong that “necessitates” us having to raise our Debt Ceiling?

If you think the Good Ole USofA can keep doing this every few months and survive, you ought to be writing a Blog called Foolishness...You Bet Ya!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(117)

del.icio.us Tags: Debt Ceiling

Originality Is One Of My Strongest Attributes…Or is it?

I have every confidence that I can be Original, Clever and/or Smart. I especially like to be Original.

In a burst of Original Thinking I came up with the following thought...

Lying to Congress is a Crime (a felony)

But

Lying by Congress is not a crime

I recently heard an Important and Powerful Member of Congress say, “Politicians running for office say a lot of things they do not mean”.

This was the response to a question about a particular politician doing the complete opposite after being elected from what he said he would do while he was campaigning.

To make it even worst this response was accompanied by a lot of smiling and laughing by the Important and Powerful Member of Congress.

Back to my Original Boast about My Being Original...

I decided to look up, “Lying by Congress” in Google. Google quickly came back at me and (as it usually does) gave me the total hits on “Lying by Congress”...

“About 35,600,000 Results”

It sure looks like a lot of other Original Thinkers beat me to it.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(193)

Flickr Tags: Lying by Congress,Lying to Congress,Lying

I Do Not Understand You!

This is not a politically inspired blog posting. Some of you will understandably be sensitive about some of these terminology changes. Don’t be.
This is only an exercise in the observation of the Proliferation of Intended Confusion. If we had just stayed with the original word/phrase usage, we would not be constantly saying, “What does that mean?”
Today we are is a constant state of unease because our society is obsessed with changing Words and Phrases that we understand to something we don’t understand in order to make us feel better and/or trick us into thinking we feel better...
All examples below came from some legitimate news outlet. I did not make any of these up…

• Tax Increase...

o Revenue Enhancement

• Put the company up For Sale...

o Explore Strategic Alternatives

• Suspect...

o Person of Interest

• Secretary of War...

o Secretary of Defense

• Spending of Federal Funds...

o Investment of Federal Funds

• Tax Cut...

o Eliminate a Revenue Stream

• Commit Crime...

o Exhibit Misbehavior

• Vandalism...

o Interference with Government or Private Property

• Evacuation...

o Order of Departure

• Terror Attack...

o Man Caused Disaster

• A Big Missile that could carry 10-12 Re-Entry Vehicles each Armed with a 300-Kiloton W87 Warhead...

o The Peacekeeper Missile

• Global War on Terror...

o Overseas Contingency Operation

• Lost Job...

o Laid Off

• Fired...

o Laid Off

• Fired...

o Downsized

• Abortion...

o Choice

• Terror Attack at Ft. Hood...

o Workplace Violence

• Quotas…

o Diversity Metrics

• Congressional Vacation...

o Recess

• Congressional Vacation...

o Home District Work Period

• Coup d'état...

o Change of Government

• Coup d'état...

o Intervention

• Illegal Alien...

o Undocumented Alien

• Illegal Alien...

o Undocumented Worker

• Illegal Alien...

o Undocumented American

• Illegal Alien...

o Undocumented Citizen

• Employee...

o Associate

• Retreat...

o Retrograde Movement

• Lying...

o Giving False Information

• Secretary...

o Administrative Assistant

• Armed Policeman in Our Schools...

o School Resource Officer

• Gun Control...

o Gun Reform

• Global Warming...

o Climate Changes

• Obamacare Penalties...

o Affordable Care Act Shared Responsibility Payments

• Burns...
• Thermal Injuries
• A Sexual Affair...

o An Encounter

• Government Printing Money...

o Quantitative Easing

Just how much confusion can this create? I’ll give you a demonstration by pecking out an Intentional Confusion Statement issued by a CEO to his minions...

>As the person responsible for the well being of this corporation, I had made a decision to explore a strategic alternative. Our survival has been put into question by the government’s latest revenue enhancement which was forced upon all of us by our government’s continued investment of our tax revenue in questionable ventures.

>I have also had a hard time concentrating on business because of my encounter with my administrative assistant and the choice she made.

>I can’t help but feel if I had set higher diversity metrics we would not be in the situation we find ourselves in at this time but our shared responsibility payment is too much to overcome.

>I have ordered in a peacekeeper for 2pm today, and since I have canceled my previously issued order of departure, please remain at your desks while the peacekeeper makes all our troubles go away.

I have held off publishing this Foolishness for quite some time and the List has continued to grow. I began to think, if I kept waiting, I might never get this one posted. That’s because this kind of obfuscation is a modern mushrooming phenomena and it will never stop.

If you come across items that could be added to the list above, send me an email or put a comment to this posting (Anonymous is OK & Easy). I have the ability to go back into any published blog and revise it. (Just like Congress I have the power to Revise & Extend my Foolishness.)
If y’all keep adding to the list, this may become known in literary circles as the Foolishness...Or Is It Without End... Amen.
Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(681)

LiveJournal Tags: Politically Correct,Confusion

This Blog Posting Could Save Us A Whole Bunch Of Money

The Internet is wonderful! Here is what I learned from the Net recently...

Two thirds of deaths worldwide go completely unrecorded.

For Example: In Malawi, any death that occurs outside a medical facility is not recorded.

Do you see it? Do you see how our rulers could save us a ton or two of money?

What? You don’t see it? Sometimes the Smartfella gets discouraged. After all the effort I have expended over the years to improve your Powers of Observation, I sometimes feel I have completely failed.

OK, one more time, I will explain the obvious...

• Every year the Good Ole USofA borrows a humongous amount of money to give to countries all over the world in the form of Foreign Aid.
• We give our borrowed money to countries based on the number of people each country has within its borders.
• Let’s say we believe that there are 7,000,000 people in Grand Fenwick.
• Our rulers decide that we are going to borrow $5 for every citizen in Grand Fenwick to help Grand Fenwickians in their national effort to eradicate extinct animal species
• That means we will borrow and give to Grand Fenwick $35,000,000.
• Grand Fenwick is a country that does not record deaths when their citizens become dead.
• The truth is Grand Fenwick only has 1,000,000 people.
• If we knew the true population of Grand Fenwick, we would not have had to borrow $34,000,000 of our actually borrowed $35,000,000.

If we had no Grand Fenwickian use for this $34,000,000, Congress could have made better use of their unlimited power to borrow money. They could have gone ahead with the borrowing of the unneeded $34,000,000 and done lots of other wonderful things...

• They could have given themselves a raise.
• They could have given this $34,000,000 to another country that has severely overstated its population.
• They could have purchased 3,400,000 copies of my book Foolishness...Or Is It? (Also available on Kindle) and placed them in public restrooms all over the Fruited Plain. They could have chained them in place with all those chains the Post Office has in storage in Albuquerque that it bought to use on Chained Desk Pens before they went on an austerity kick and discontinued providing Chained Desk Pens.

This last bullet above would mean a windfall of income to me because it would increase my sales by 3,399,907. With all that loot, I could hire someone to write Foolishness...Or Is It? for me.

My first choice would have been Ernest Hemingway but he is dead. I know he is dead because his death was recorded. If he had died in Malawi on his front porch, he would still be alive.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Do you know where I came up with the name of “Grand Fenwick”? If you do, you are either very old or you just Googled it.

(499)

Technorati Tags: Grand Fenwick,Foreign Aid,Ernest Hemingway