Facts Are Facts

INTRODUCTION

(Steve Allen’s Book ‘HiHo Steverino’)

A public figure undertaking to write his autobiography faces at least one problem: so much is already known of him that his story can scarcely hope to surprise the reader at every turn of the narrative. The novelist is under no such handicap. Unhindered by facts, he need be guided only by his imagination, which has unlimited freedom. The autobiographer on the other hand, if he has a conscience, must conform to the details of his history, particularly those which are a matter of public record.

 

I choose to start, therefore, by referring to several elements of my personal history which have been reported by the media. Let me briefly set them down:

 

• I was born in Chicago.
• I am Jewish. My first wife was Jewish.
• I am the third richest man in the entertainment field, after Bob Hope and the late Bing Crosby, with a personal fortune of over 200 million dollars.
• I play the piano only in the key of G.
• I write every word of my own comedy material.
• I am generally procommunist, despite which I at one time recommended bombing China's nuclear facilities.
• I am a pacifist.
• I am also a Unitarian.
• I take drugs.
• I plan to run for political office.
• I am the composer of such successful songs as "Misty," "Teach Me Tonight," and "Quando Caliente El Sol."
• I am a gifted clarinetist, as proven by my performance in the motion picture The Benny Goodman Story.
• I replaced comedian Jerry Lester on the Tonight show.
• Though generally affable, I am a man of occasionally violent temper, and in one instance broke the plate glass door of the William Morris Agency building in Beverly Hills, after having been refused admittance late at night by a security guard.

 

Anyone about whom the above specifics are true must be a fascinating fellow, indeed. Unfortunately, I am not nearly so interesting. There is no truth at all to any of the statements listed above, though each has appeared in the public record.

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May 2017...Today the news is full of stories about Fake News. It looks like Fake News has been with us since at least May 1992 because that’s when Hi Ho Steverino was first published.

 

I Want To Do Something Really Stupid. Please Tell Me How To Go About Doing It.

Question to Medical Advice Doctor in My Newspaper...

I like hitting myself in the head with a Hammer but it does have some unpleasant side effects. How can I minimize the side effects?

Sincerely,

INotSoSmart Dimwit

 

The obvious answer from the Newspaper Doctor should be, “Stop hitting yourself in the head with that hammer”.

 

Above is my own Foolishness but below is a real response to a real dimwit right out of my newspaper.

Instead of answering Mr. Dimwit as if he were a dimwit, the doctor treats him as a perfectly sane person and gives him remedies for counteracting his proposed silly behavior.

 

I used to play Handball with my cousin many years ago. After we had finished running our flat-bellied selves all over the court for a couple of hours, he would often say, “Handball is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. It feels so good when you quit”.

 

Handball was the great sports activity of my youth. It was worth every bump and bruise. Getting a Tattoo is an entirely different thing. An inquirer to my newspaper’s Health Advisory Doctor is being hit in his head with warning signs about the evils of getting tattooed but what he wants the doctor to do is advise him about how to endure and ignore the Tattoo Warning Signals his poor mind and body is sending him.

 

Since he appears intent on continuing to be stupid, the doctor complies with his request and tells him how he can continue to be stupid...

Ø I recommend that you lie down.

Ø Make sure you have had plenty of fluid and salt (and no alcohol) ahead of time.

Ø Stress-reduction techniques, such as breathing exercises or muscle contraction and relaxation during the tattoo placement, may help.

Ø Distraction techniques also can be helpful: talking or shouting during the procedure may help.

Ø Smiling or coughing during the procedure has helped some people, too.

Ø Use an ice pack on your head and a second on the back of his neck: This might help you to focus on your freezing neck and forehead so you can't think about anything else.

Ø Apply a Lidocaine patch to the area to be tattooed before the tattooing starts might help prevent you from passing out.

Ø Occasionally, I have recommended a fast-acting sedative for people who can't tolerate the procedure any other way.

Ø This might help people who are very anxious, but since many sedatives lower blood pressure, you should be very hesitant to use one.

 

Notice the uncertain reinforcement and wild guesses (underlined above) prescribed by the doctor: “May Help”, “Can Be Helpful”, “Has Helped Some People”, “Might Help You”, “Might Help”, “Might Help” (again), “Can’t Tolerate the Procedure” (instead of “procedure” he should have said “Attack On Your Body”) and “Might Help People”.

-------------------------

Back to Handball, Heads and Hammers...

 

I see you are thinking to yourself that I was also Tattoo Type Stupid when I used to play Handball because it felt so good when I stopped. Was my body and mind telling me not to play handball?

 

That was completely different. When I finished playing handball my belly was flat, I weighed less and my good conditioning was continuing to continue.

 

When the tattooed person finishes getting tattooed, his wallet has lost weight and the world around him is staring at him in disbelief.

 

I used to think that, if I stared at tattooed people, they would notice my staring, see the silliness of what they had done to themselves and go buy a long sleeve shirt and a pair of long pants. I don’t think that anymore. I’m sorry to say, they appear to be very proud of what they have done to themselves.

 

And who am I to say they are being silly anyway just because I am a Self-Proclaimed Expert on Silliness?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Talking All The Time

In a renewed attempt to keep my heart from attacking me, I went back to the high school track a couple of days ago. I have been neglecting my exercise routine for an extended period of time for a couple of reasons (excuses)...a Sinus Operation and a Hurt Ankle.

 

I got right back into my 2 Mile Regimen expecting to be greeted by ESPN and interviewed by one of their glib reporters but ESPN was nowhere to be found. It was just me and a very Interesting and Determined Exercising Lady.

 

The Exercising Lady was very Determined because she did many different forms of exercise and she was there the whole time I was there. She was Interesting because she talked on her cell phone the entire time I was there.

 

She was already talking on her phone when I arrived and she was talking on her phone when I crawled back to my car 50 minutes later.

 

I found myself fixated on her more than my usual fixation about whether I was going to be able to finish my two-mile trek around the track. Actually, she took my mind off of my usual line of exercising thought... Should I stop now? ... Maybe that’s enough? ... Did something just go pop? ... Why do I do this?

 

Instead, I thought thoughts such as these...

Ø How can she talk that much?

Ø Is she going to run out of words and just start making unintelligible utterances?

Ø What if she could not make contract with a fellow talker because they were all talking to some other talker? Would she just hold the phone next to her ear out of habit?

Ø How long was she there talking before I got here?

Ø Since she was still talking after I left, how long did she stay there talking after I left?

Ø Did she talk all the way back to her car?

Ø Did she talk during the entire drive back home?

Ø Does she ever not talk on her phone?

Ø Is she just making unintelligible utterances?

Ø Does she duct tape the phone to her head and talk all through the night as she sleeps?

Ø If she sets up a Do Lunch at 3 am, will she remember that appointment when she wakes up?

 

It was almost more exhausting thinking about her Phone Stamina than it was for me to do my two miles.

 

The Real Depressing Part...

Ø My two-mile routine is made up of alternating every quarter mile between Brisk Walking and Running.

Ø Initially, her routine was Exclusively Brisk Walking.

Ø While she was doing her Brisk Walking Routine and I was doing my Brisk Walking and Running Routine she was gaining on me!

 

The Save My Aging Dignity Part...

Before she did actually catch up and pass me, she stopped doing her Brisk Walking Routine and started doing In-Place Stretching and Jumping Exercises.

 

If she had persisted with her Brisk Walking Routine and had passed me while I was doing my Brisk Walking and Running Routine, my ego might never have recovered.

 

As I peck this Foolishness out, I am left grasping at the straw that maybe I was on the verge of getting my Second Wind and she may not have passed me after all...Or would she not have after all?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

If You Are Sad Hillary Lost, It Is Safe To Read On But Be Sure To Bring Your Sense Of Humor With You

Hillary Supporters have been sad long enough. It’s time to lighten up a bit and what better place to find some Lightening Silliness than a blog called Foolishness...Or Is It?

Hillary had a brilliant plan but it just did not work and it’s hard to understand why it did not work.

Who would have known that taking a selfie with everyone in the United States would not result in a landslide victory?

 You might have to click on the last picture to expand it and see Hillery

Would I kid u?
AlexO

The Smartfella Will Now Proceed To Go About Attempting To Prove How Dumb He Is

There is no reasoning with anyone on either side of the issue of Gun Control. Anyone who would dare to think he could reason with either side of the issue of Gun Control would not be too smart. In order to prove I am not smart, I’m going give it a try.

This is my attempt to convince those of you who are in favor of Increased Gun Control to see the silliness of one part of the Washington D.C. Gun Control Ban.

In 1976 Washington D.C enacted their Gun Control Ban which prohibited anyone other than law-enforcement officers from carrying a firearm in the city. Residents were even barred from keeping guns in their homes for self-defense.

Some in D.C. who owned firearms before the ban were allowed to keep them as long as the weapons were Disassembled or Trigger-Locked at all times. According to the law, trigger locks could not be removed for self-defense even if the owner was being robbed at gunpoint.

I put the bold in the above paragraph. Would you agree that these words mean... It is OK to keep your gun provided you do not ever try to use your gun.

Is this silly? Is this foolishness? I am so dumb that I think all of you would agree that this is Silly and Foolish.

Well, the courts agreed with my Silly Foolish contention.

The courts did repeal this part of the law but it took 32 years for the D.C. Court of Appeals and then the Supreme Court to rule that it was Unconstitutional.

If I had been shot dead with my Trigger-Locked and/or Disassembled Gun in my cold dead hand during the 32 years that that part of the law was Constitutional, I would be really mad.

Would I kid u?

The Smartfella

This Ain’t Right!

Nordstrom has come up with a new product that everyone in the Good Ole USofA is sure to want.

 

Allow me to correct my opening statement in the opening paragraph above. Remove “sure to want” and replace it with “deserves to have”.

 

Nay, allow me to correct the above correction. “Deserves to have” is not strong enough because somewhere in the Constitution this must certainly be listed as an Inalienable Right!

 

I apologize. I got so carried away that I am in the 4^th paragraph of this bit of foolishness and I have not told you of which I speak. I am talking about Nordstrom Selling Muddy Jeans Complete with Fake Mud That Will Not Wash Out for $425 (http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/prps-barracuda-straight-leg-jeans/4457245).

Their Web Site has 2 glaring inaccuracies...

“Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that's seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you're not afraid to get down and dirty.”

The Inaccuracies:

Ø “That's seen some hard-working action”... This is not true. They come out of the box with fake mud on them and imparting a fake impression that you have been working hard but you are faking your hard work as soon as you put them on.

Ø “Shows you're not afraid to get down and dirty”...This is not true. You are afraid to get down and dirty, otherwise you would have gotten down and dirty but you were afraid to get down and dirty, so you faked it.

 

Actually I see this as a very strong argument for increasing the Federal Minimum Wage way over its current measly $7.25. Do you realize how long a minimum wage worker would have to labor to buy a pair of these jeans? Its 58.620689 hours! That’s unconscionable!

 

One More Point...Did you notice Nordstrom advertises that they do not charge shipping on their $425 jeans? Well I guess not! If they would charge shipping on a $425 pair of jeans that cost them $12.86 to manufacture (in Portugal), they ought to be thrown in jail.

 

I don’t think I am being too harsh to say that their CEO, their CFO, their CPA and their Doorman ought to all be thrown in jail. (I can see that you think I got carried away again. OK, give the Doorman a pass.)

 

One More One More Point...Atta Boy for Reebok! I’m gonna go out and buy something made by Reebok this very day. What am I gonna buy? It does not matter, as long as it is made by Reebok. Such good ole American Foolishness as this (click below) deserves to be rewarded! (Be patient while the commercial delays the Foolishness)... https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/nation-now/2017/04/27/reebok-features-425-sweat-shirt-following-news-nordstroms-muddy-jeans/307031001/

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

I could say The Sky's The Limit But The Sky Is Too Low

Years ago there was a movie called, It Happens Every Spring. It was about Baseball. Our 9% Approval Rated Congress has its own rituals. The one I am blogging about today does not happen every spring but it does seem to happen every time we Turn Around.

 

Even if we stopped turning around it will not stop Congress from being stupid.

 

It’s time for the Congressional Song and Dance aka Congressional Finger Pointing Contest aka We Gotta Raise The Debt Limit Craziness.

 

If you think that our rulers in Washington D.C. have to raise the Debt Limit so they can spend more money you are as confused as most of the Folks Back Home (that’s us).

 

That’s not what’s happening here. They have to raise the Debt Limit because they have exceeded the amount of money that they had to spend. They are actually seeking authority to borrow enough money to cover what they have already spent.

 

Why do they bother to even put up the facade that they have a limited amount of money to spend? Once they have spent all they had, they simply make more.

 

At least they ought to change the name of the National Debt Limit. Here are my recommended names?…

Ø The Temporary Debt Limit.

Ø The Debt Limit Until We Zip Right Past The Debt Limit Limit.

Ø The Unlimited Debt Limit.

Ø The What Debt Limit Limit?

Ø The Absolutely We Ain’t Gonna Go Over Limit Unless And Until Such Time As We Spend So Much Money That It Is Necessary To Borrow More Money To Cover The Money We Already Spent But Which We Did Not Have Limit.

 

Until they get a new official name change in place they ought to put a Smiley Face before and after the old name. This way we will know they are just kidding.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

When You Hear Someone Say, “Easy As Pie”, Ask Them, “Is That Pie or Pi?”

Apple Pie is easy to eat.

Pi, the Algebraic Formula, is not so easy to digest. Here is a little taste of Pi not Pie...

There are many formulas of Pi of many types. Among others, these include series, products, geometric constructions, limits, special values, and pi iterations.

Are you not relieved to know I am now going to go Algebraicless (yes, I know that is not a word).

Let’s get back to Pie (the easy one)...

The Governor of New York Has Proposed To Give Free Tuition To Middle-Class Students Attending The State’s Public Colleges.

What could be simpler?...

Ø Free Tuition...We all love Free.

Ø Middle-Class Students...Those are the folks that politicians always make speeches about during political campaigns.

Ø State’s Public Colleges...Not Private.

In New York, Pie is like Pi.

I will not take a position about Free Public College Tuition Proposal in this Blog Posting. What I will do is bullet point the complications my newspaper laid out to me about this “Easy As Pie” Proposal...

Ø The plan for tuition-free college merely redistributes income while giving the middle class little actual help.

Ø Many of the putative beneficiaries may be harmed. (You know your ability to understand is headed south when they start throwing around words like “putative”.)

Ø To qualify, students must come from families earning less than $100,000 ($125,000 by 2019).

Ø Students must attend school full-time.

Ø Students must graduate on time.

Ø Only a fifth of its undergraduates would be eligible.

Ø A mere 2% of students at the City University of New York would qualify—in part because of low graduation rates.

Ø At the end of each year, scholarship recipients who don’t complete 30 credits—a full course load for two semesters—could lose their grant award for that second semester and get stuck taking out loans to pay back the state.

Ø Students also have to commit to living and working in New York after they graduate for as many years as they receive the scholarship.

Ø If they leave the state, again the grant turns into a loan.

Ø This kind of indentured servitude could keep young graduates from pursuing higher-paying employment elsewhere.

Pause for a Thought Provoking Thought...How are all these proposed requirements and stipulations going to be policed?

There’s more. Now the Complicated gets Confusing, or is it, the Confusing gets Complicated?...

Ø Scholarship recipients also won’t save as much money as they might think. Annual Tuition for in-state students at SUNY community colleges is roughly $4,370. The figure for the state’s public four-year schools is about $6,470.

Ø Low-income students can get federal Pell grants of up to $5,920 a year.

Ø New York’s Tuition Assistance Program, which covers students whose families earn less than $80,000, can further reduce tuition by $500 up to $5,000 each year.

Ø In other words, many middle-class students already are paying little to nothing for tuition.

Ø Students who receive scholarships, however, would still have to pay for room and board, which SUNY estimates will run between $10,000 and $13,000 a year.

Ø The plan will cost state taxpayers a mere $163 million by 2019 (they put the “a mere” in there, not me).

Ø Hundreds of millions more in federal student aid may flow to public colleges because of increased enrollment, which may be one of the plan’s unstated goals.

Ø Promising free tuition could steer more students to public schools from private ones.

Ø According to the commission’s analysis, the plan would shift $1.4 billion away from nonprofit colleges, resulting in 45,000 job losses.

Ø Compensating jobs would be created at public schools, but dislocations would invariably occur.

Ø Once this is out there and implemented, possibly some of the more precarious institutions will go under.

Ø What that will do is cause millions of dollars of lost economic impact on the local community where the colleges are/were located.

Ø This means the plan could cause thousands of job losses in the Upstate Areas of New York.

Ø The State has already spent $25 billion trying to resuscitate Upstate New York.

Ø Yet the State’s economic stimulus has so far produced little bang for taxpayers’ bucks. According to a March report by InvestigativePost.org, upstate employment has grown by only 2.7% compared with 13.1% downstate and 11% nationally.

In order to add Inspiration to all this Consternation, the State says... The people of New York have to believe it’s going to work if it’s actually going to work...Or does it?

The Fella might ask... If they believe that it will work, does that guarantee that it will work?

I apologize for how complicated this Pi really is. If the Devil is truly in the Details, it is easy to see that this is a Devilish Pie.

If you want to show The Fella how gullible you really are, you can now text me this rebuttal... “It’s all going to be OK. My elected representative looked me straight in my eye and said to my eye, ‘Trust Me’”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Droves Of People Are Leaving Our State Because We Tax Them Way Too Much. If We Give Them A Little Bitty Bonus To Stay, They Will Not Leave. Then We Can Continue Taxing Them Way To Much.

I apologize for this Blog Posting being so long but there is a lot of Silliness in Connecticut.

Somewhere in Connecticut’s past this bullet-pointed conversation happened in their State House...

Ø We need more money.

Ø I have an idea. Let’s tax the other 49 States.

Ø We don’t have the power to do that.

Ø Are you sure we don’t?

Ø I’m not certain and I will check on it but, for the sake of this discussion, let’s assume that we don’t have that power. Let’s continue to kick around some ideas about how we can increase revenue.

Silence...

Ø What about cutting spending?

Ø Come on now! We were not sent up here to not spend money. We were sent here to spend money and we have done an excellent job of that, if I do say so myself.

Silence...

Ø I guess we will have to tax the people here in Connecticut.

Ø Do you think they will stand for that? We have started to hear rumblings that they have started to take note of what we have been doing to them.

Ø They have rumbled before. We have not pushed them to the breaking point. Besides, Football Season starts this weekend and they will not pay any attention to us till early February and, we all know what follows February, March (Basketball) Madness. Trust me.

Ø OK, I’ll defer to your political savvy. You were right about the last 12 tax increases.

Ø Let’s go to Happy Hour.

Ø You know you said the same thing after we decided to enact the last 12 tax increases.

 

What caused The Fella to start pecking out a Foolishness...Or Is It? about little ole Connecticut? To find the answer, read on and learn about Connecticut’s Tale of Taxation Woe...

Ø Connecticut’s progressive tax experiment has hit a wall.

Ø Tens of thousands of residents are leaving for lower tax states.

Ø 25 years ago Connecticut was a low-tax haven for Northeasterners.

Ø In 1991 the state enacted an income tax and it was later made steeply progressive.

Ø The Slippery Slope started doing its slippery thing but, as is usually the case with taxes, it was upward slippery.

Ø In a fine example of Taxpayer Trickery, the top rate on individuals earning $500,000 or more has been lifted to 6.99%.

Ø The beleaguered taxpayers of Connecticut breathed a huge sigh of relief because they had feared that the rate was going to go up to 7%.

Ø Many taxpayers were heard to say, “I’m going to find out if my representative voted to keep the rate below 7%, and if he did, I’m going to be sure to vote for him again”.

Ø In 2012 the Tax Foundation ranked Connecticut’s state and local tax burden second highest in the country behind New York.

Ø Due to recent Property and Income Tax Hikes, Connecticut may now be in the lead.

Ø You don’t need a Yale degree to figure out that the tax hikes have been a disaster.

Ø A net 30,000 residents moved to other states last year.

Ø Since 2010 seven of Connecticut’s eight counties have lost population.

Ø In the last five years, 27,400 Connecticut residents have moved to Florida.

Ø More than 3,000 Connecticut residents have moved to zero income-tax New Hampshire in the last two years.

Ø In a fine example of the Blind Leading the Stupid, many Legislators are denying that tax policies influence personal or business decisions.

Ø After losing General Electric last year, the Governor bribed the hedge funds Bridgewater and AQR Capital with $57 million in taxpayer subsidies not to leave the state.

Ø Other beneficiaries of the Governor’s corporate welfare include Cigna, NBC Sports, ESPN and Charter Communications. (If these giveaways continue, Connecticut is going to have to raise taxes.)

Ø Legislators have now taken the subsidy idea one step further by proposing a tax credit averaging $1,200 for grads of Connecticut colleges who live in the state to stay in the state after graduation.

Ø It is estimated this tax credit would cost the state $6 million each year assuming only 10% of eligible college grads sign on.

Ø They better pray that more than 10% don’t decide to take the State up on this silly offer. (If these giveaways continue, Connecticut is going to have to raise taxes.)

Ø The elephant in the room is a main reason young people are escaping is the lack of job opportunities because businesses are leaving because of high taxes.

Ø Since 2010 employment in Connecticut has grown at half the rate of Massachusetts and more slowly than in Rhode Island or New Jersey.

Ø Meanwhile, Legislators are worried about a projected $1.7 billion budget deficit next year because tax revenues keep trailing projections. (No Chit Sherlock!)

Ø To make matters worse, the state’s teacher pension bill is projected to grow by a third over the next two years.

Ø The Legislators who are causing all this mess have a solution. Some of these mental midgets want to impose a 19% tax on hedge funds’ carried interest.

 

By now you are thinking I made all this up.

 

It looks like many of the $1,200 We’re Gonna Stay Here (Wink Wink) Graduates will use the money to spend on Graduation Parties and then they will move out of state to get a job.

 

I have an idea! They ought to do is build a Wall around Connecticut!

 

Did I just hear you say a Wall is a silly idea? Do you want to read something sillier? If so, scroll back up this Foolishness and read Connecticut’s Tale of Taxation Woe again.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella