I Want To Do Something Really Stupid. Please Tell Me How To Go About Doing It.

Question to Medical Advice Doctor in My Newspaper...

I like hitting myself in the head with a Hammer but it does have some unpleasant side effects. How can I minimize the side effects?

Sincerely,

INotSoSmart Dimwit

 

The obvious answer from the Newspaper Doctor should be, “Stop hitting yourself in the head with that hammer”.

 

Above is my own Foolishness but below is a real response to a real dimwit right out of my newspaper.

Instead of answering Mr. Dimwit as if he were a dimwit, the doctor treats him as a perfectly sane person and gives him remedies for counteracting his proposed silly behavior.

 

I used to play Handball with my cousin many years ago. After we had finished running our flat-bellied selves all over the court for a couple of hours, he would often say, “Handball is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. It feels so good when you quit”.

 

Handball was the great sports activity of my youth. It was worth every bump and bruise. Getting a Tattoo is an entirely different thing. An inquirer to my newspaper’s Health Advisory Doctor is being hit in his head with warning signs about the evils of getting tattooed but what he wants the doctor to do is advise him about how to endure and ignore the Tattoo Warning Signals his poor mind and body is sending him.

 

Since he appears intent on continuing to be stupid, the doctor complies with his request and tells him how he can continue to be stupid...

Ø I recommend that you lie down.

Ø Make sure you have had plenty of fluid and salt (and no alcohol) ahead of time.

Ø Stress-reduction techniques, such as breathing exercises or muscle contraction and relaxation during the tattoo placement, may help.

Ø Distraction techniques also can be helpful: talking or shouting during the procedure may help.

Ø Smiling or coughing during the procedure has helped some people, too.

Ø Use an ice pack on your head and a second on the back of his neck: This might help you to focus on your freezing neck and forehead so you can't think about anything else.

Ø Apply a Lidocaine patch to the area to be tattooed before the tattooing starts might help prevent you from passing out.

Ø Occasionally, I have recommended a fast-acting sedative for people who can't tolerate the procedure any other way.

Ø This might help people who are very anxious, but since many sedatives lower blood pressure, you should be very hesitant to use one.

 

Notice the uncertain reinforcement and wild guesses (underlined above) prescribed by the doctor: “May Help”, “Can Be Helpful”, “Has Helped Some People”, “Might Help You”, “Might Help”, “Might Help” (again), “Can’t Tolerate the Procedure” (instead of “procedure” he should have said “Attack On Your Body”) and “Might Help People”.

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Back to Handball, Heads and Hammers...

 

I see you are thinking to yourself that I was also Tattoo Type Stupid when I used to play Handball because it felt so good when I stopped. Was my body and mind telling me not to play handball?

 

That was completely different. When I finished playing handball my belly was flat, I weighed less and my good conditioning was continuing to continue.

 

When the tattooed person finishes getting tattooed, his wallet has lost weight and the world around him is staring at him in disbelief.

 

I used to think that, if I stared at tattooed people, they would notice my staring, see the silliness of what they had done to themselves and go buy a long sleeve shirt and a pair of long pants. I don’t think that anymore. I’m sorry to say, they appear to be very proud of what they have done to themselves.

 

And who am I to say they are being silly anyway just because I am a Self-Proclaimed Expert on Silliness?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella