This Is A Pop Quiz

I know I am picky but I believe that words have meaning. At least they ought to mean something.

My local newspaper had an article that made me sit up and pay attention. You probably won’t get as agitated as I did but remember I am picky.

Allow me to set up the Pop Quiz…

• Two years ago a murder was committed.
• In return for the prosecution dropping pursuit of the death penalty, the murderer pleaded guilty to several charges including Carjacking Resulting in Death and Kidnapping.
• The young female college student was shot five times, including once in the head with a 12-gauge shotgun.

The following statement was issued by a concerned party in the case…

“While we deplore the evil and negligence that led to Eve’s death, we agree with the U.S. attorney’s decision to accept the plea agreement”.

Here is the Pop Quiz Question…
What word jumps out at you? You passed the quiz, if you said the jumping word was “negligence”.

Here is the part of any Foolishness…Or Is It? where I say something silly or foolish or make a wise crack. In this case I am just plain speechless.

Would I kid u?

They Will Never Do That! … Or Will They?

Don’t ever say, “They will never do that”. Just by the fact that you made this statement you dramatically increase the chances that they will do the dirty deed. Somehow they know what we are thinking and they use our thought vibrations to formulate their future courses of action.

Want a few examples from the Airline Industry? ...

• They would never stop serving food on their flights.
• They would never charge for checking your baggage.
• They would never charge for carry-on baggage.

The last bullet point above was a set up. If you did not read the same article I read on April 19, 2010, you are unaware that one airline has started charging $45 for Carry-On Baggage. Other airlines are saying that they are not going to follow suit ... Or will they?

The $45 Charge for Carry-On Baggage Airline’s spokesman defends the new charge by saying that the airline is lowering their fares by about the same amount … Or will they?

This pricing head fake (after all, it is NBA Playoff Season) opens up a whole host of opportunities for increased revenue for our Struggling Airline Industry…

• Turnstiles at the head of the gangway that must be fed money before passengers are allowed to board their planes.
  o The airlines will defend this by telling us that we are not required to put money into the turnstiles but, if we don’t, we will have to wait for the next flight.
  o We will be told that on the later flight we will be allowed to jump over the turnstiles for free.
  o If we are not physically able to jump over the turnstiles, we will have to feed in the money. The airlines will say this payment is proper since it is not their fault that you can’t jump high.
• Green Gelatin Desserts sitting on each seat cushion when the boarding passengers arrive at their seats…
  o Passengers will be told by the flight attendants that there is a Green Gelatin Removal Fee that must be paid if they want the green stuff removed before they sit down.
  o It will be explained that they are perfectly free to not pay the fee and sit on their green seat softener which has been placed on their seats courtesy of the airline.
  o If they have a severe aversion to Green, a Blue Gelatin Dessert may be substituted but that will require a Color Substitution Surcharge.
• Wheel Chairs will require a very steep Handicap Inconvenience to the Airline Charge. If the passengers object, there is an alternative that the Airline has gone to great lengths to make available…
  o Passengers may lie on the floor and travelling companions will be allowed roll them to and from and through the terminal for a fee that will be significantly lower than the Handicap Inconvenience to the Airline Charge.
  o The charge for flight attendants to do the rolling will be out of sight and, frankly, the airline does not recommend this to anyone for fear that the passengers may come away from their flying experience with a bad taste in their mouths for the airline.
• Liquid refreshments will be free to passenger, within the following parameters…
  o There will be a Liquid Bottle Cap Removal Charge.
  o Hard Liquor will incur a higher Liquid Bottle Cap Removal Charge than will a Mountain Dew.

Did you really think I was going to finish this here Foolishness…OrIsIt? without bringing in our Once Beloved Federal Government? How silly of you. Talking about Foolishness without having the Federal Government getting involved is against Federal Law.

I did not make this up … It appears that six Senators are proposing legislation that would levy a tax on the airlines each time they charge a fee for Carry-On Baggage.

These guys are sharp! They know that any tax that they enact against any business is never passed on to their customers … Or is it?

Would I kid u?

The Crescendo Has Started Crescendoing

Wanna make a lot of money? Take your entire life savings and invest in Tattoo Removal Parlors.

We are a country (world?) of lemmings. The Tattoo Craze started because some famous person (who may be completely unknown by now) got himself Tattooed. The lemmings among us saw the tattoo, and since we are into Celebrity Worship, they ran out and started getting themselves tattooed too. Once it had started ... It had started. The rest is history.
For several years now we have been trudging through the Age of Tattoos...

• Basketball players that make your eyes hurt just to look at them.
• Already unattractive human bodies out shopping with their unattractive legs sporting unattractive tattoos.
• People who are constantly sweating and under great stress because they have met the love of their lives but are living in horror that the current love of their life will find out that their passing fancy’s name is tattooed somewhere on their sweaty/stressed out bodies.
• Tattoo victims who are walking around wearing clothing designed to show off every single one of their tattoos while being completely oblivious as to what a sagging and faded mess their bodies will be 40 years from now.

The purpose of this Foolishness...Or Is It? is to give the lemmings out there hope that their long nightmare is coming to an end. Since they are followers, they can take comfort in knowing that a Famous Celebrity is reported in today’s newspapers as having decided to start removing his tattoos using very expensive laser treatments.
Here’s where the Tattoo Removal Parlor Investment Plan recommended above comes into play. Now that the Celeb World has given the OK to remove tattoos, there is going to be a stampede of lemmings clamoring to find out where they can get their bodies untattooed.
This is an idea that may turn around our Dire Economic Situation all by itself.
Would I kid u?

Doing Good Things Sometimes Makes You A Bad Guy

The other day my wife asked the bank president at our bank about what happens when a bank goes belly up? This seems to be a daily occurrence in these dire economic circumstances we live in. His answer did not surprise me because I hear about the chain of events he reiterated, which I will list below, all the time on the nightly news…

• The FDIC steps in and arranges for another bank to come in and take over the defunct bank.
• The investors hardly notice that the FDIC and the new bank are going about going about what they do.
• The investors get a letter telling them about the defunctness of their old bank and selling them on how wonderful their new bank is.
• The next time they go to their bank they see that the new bank’s signage has been hung on their old bank.
• The end result is the bank’s customers don’t lose their money.

I am sure there are some exceptions to the above rosy picture but generally this is how it works.

The reason I started pecking out this Foolishness…Or Is It? is I read a news article that tried to paint the Taking Over and Saving Bank in a bad light. It said that banks that save other banks are evil because they end up making money after they have done their good deed. In other words, a good deed cannot be a good deed unless the good deed doer loses money by doing the good deed.

My Foolishness juices are flowing. Here is what I foresee in the way of a set of guidelines for Future Want To Do Good Deeds Banks…

• Banks that want to save other banks must provide documentation that proves conclusively that they will lose money after they have saved the bank they are applying to save.
• In their Application to Save Savers Savings (ASSS) they will be required to specify the exact dollar amount that they will lose.
• From the beginning there will be an explicit understanding that the bank that certifies the largest amount of loss will be the one that will be permitted to save the failed bank.
• If the Saving Bank ends up making money there will be fines levied by our ruling government that will confiscate all monies made and the Falsifying Saving Bank will be levied a penalty that will be equal to 100% of the amount that they certified that they would lose in their ASSS.

I can just hear an intrepid chairman of some congressional committee issuing a statement that goes something like this…
“I am confident that, once the banking industry has fully adsorbed these new Loss Assurance Regulations (LAR), they will be flocking to submit their ASSS’s so that they can lose lots of money”.

That oughta do it … Or will it?

Would I kid u?

MAUC Lament: I Don’t Understand What Happened To Me

Over and over in our world today we see what is about to described in this Foolishess…Or Is It? The sad part is “we” don’t seem to learn from what just happened to “we”.

Here is how it works…

• Modern American Up & Comer (MAUC) gets a good education.
• MAUC lands a good job.
• MAUC appears to have all the money he will ever need.
• MAUC goes about gathering all the things around him that will make him happy forever.
• MAUC see an advertisement for a product or service that will be an integral part of his very well laid out and happy existence.
• MAUC is educated (remember good education in first bullet above) and he knows he can afford to pay $59.95 per month.
• MAUC contracts to pay $59.95 per month.

This scenario is repeated over and over and MAUC is living well with all his products and services all around him and then all of a sudden MAUC goes broke. What happened?

What happened was MAUC contracted for numerous Modern American “Necessities” of Life that he could afford but he could not afford.

Here is how that works…

• This goodie (and many other goodies) only costs an affordable amount of money.
• They only cost this affordable amount of money for a limited period of time.
• After that limited period of time they cost a long-term not affordable amount of money.

Should Not Have Happened: Our acquiring person looks at a commitment and says to himself, “Self, this only cost $59.95. I can afford $59.95”.

Should Have Happened: Our acquiring person looks at a commitment and says to himself, “Self, they can’t trick me. After six months this costs $99.99 … forever. I can’t afford $99.99 … forever”.

If you do this kind of thing over and over you just might find yourself broken one day.

Would I kid u?

If You Can Handle This Foolishness, You Are In Line For A Foolishness Medal

I recently saw a newspaper article about a trial for murder. At this point you are saying to yourself, “Self, so what? There are lots of murder trials going on all the time.”

The “what” is that this is the second trial for murder of the same murderer. Does that sound like double jeopardy to you? Actually this is Second Jeopardy because this was the second trial of this bad person but this time it is for the killing of a second person.

This dastardly person is already serving a Life Sentence for killing someone in 2003. The second dead person is actually the first dead person because this Snidely Whiplash made his first dead person dead in 2002.

It is certainly a fact that this guy is already serving a life sentence. This fact is why things are so confusing …

• Are we afraid that a Life Sentence does not mean a Life Sentence and our murderer is going to be released before his life has run its course?
• The above bullet point is of genuine concern because others serving Life Sentences have been released before they have been done living their lives.
• In researching my facts for this Foolishness…Or Is It?, I read about a convicted murderer serving a life sentence, who had been in solitary confinement for six years, who was now being considered for parole on the basis of his good behavior.
• Has “good behavior” been redefined as, “He did not kill anyone while he was in solitary confinement for six years”.

Here is the It Would Make More Sense To Me part of this Foolishness…Or Is It? …

• We ought to save our tax payer money until such time as this awful person has been given parole, has been given his new cheap suit, has been given his $12 spending money and is on his way out the jailhouse door.
• It is at that point he should be met on the other side of the door by officers of the law who will arrest him, read him his rights and inform him that he is now going to be put on trial for killing another person.
• Why waste the money to try a person for another crime unless and until he has been released from serving his Life Sentence for the crime for which he has already been convicted?

One final question, why would a person who has been given a Life Sentence be allowed to die before he has served out his Life Sentence? There oughta be a law against this.

Would I kid u?

Russians Are Different

Terrorists have blown up a bunch of innocent people (so what’s new?) in Russia. Russian President Medvedev had some harsh words for the bad guys and gals (these two homicide bombers were female). A quote from the article I read is, “telling police forces to use tougher, ‘more cruel’ measures to fight the ‘scum’ responsible for the terrorists attacks”.

In Russia they use words like “cruel measures” and “scum” but in America…

• We would have commissions appointed, congressional hearings and talking head experts on television all desperately trying to come to an understanding as to why the terrorists have such rage in them.
• Could it be our fault that the terrorists want to take such desperate measures to try and communicate with us?
• We must change the way we interact with others before others get mad at us.

I think the Russians should look toward America’s way of handling these situations and stop calling these evil and murderous fellow Russians “scum”. If they persist in this behavior the evil murderous scumbags will get angry and blow something up.

Would I kid u?

The Major Cause Of Automobile Accidents In Atlanta

It happens every day. An Atlanta Automobile Driver is rolling along and singing a song and the driver in front of him does something completely bizarre and unexpected and it confuses and frightens the Singing Atlantan and he drives off the road and hits a tree.

Something ought to be done and, as usual, I am ready to propose a very logical and irrefutable course of action.

Oh yea, I forgot to tell you the cause of the accidens that I am proposing to remedy. It is automatic turn signals on cars. These, once thought of as great safety features that were going to save countless lives, are causing lives to be lost every day of the year.

The problem is that they are used so seldom that, when they are used, they cause panic, knee jerk reactions and fear in drivers who are following the turn signal using car.

My fix is simple...

• I propose that we go back to hand signals for left and right turns.

Hold on a moment. The late Paul Harvey just came into my computer room and told me The Rest of the Story. He told me the real history of Human Arm Signaling through car windows in America. He is right, of course. I had forgotten about the consternation that Hand Signals had caused in their heyday. Some of you who are old enough to have lived through the Arm Signal Era will probably remember its tremendous shortcomings...

• Sometimes an arm sticking out of the driver’s window meant that the driver was a woman and she was drying her nails.
• In modern America this could mean that the nail dryer was either a woman or a man.
• Sometimes an arm was not stuck out at all because it was too cold out there.
• In modern America it might not be stuck out because it was too cold out there or too hot out there or the driver is determined not to be told by a dictatorial society what he should or should not do with his arm.
• Sometimes the female driver may object because that is the hand that is holding her cell phone and at that distance it will be awfully hard to continue her never ending conversation about all sorts of insignificant trivia.

OK, I see the error of my ways. The hand signal is not practical. I am now at a loss as to what to propose to address this problem.

Actually, I must admit I really have lost interest in this issue. You see I drive a Prius and I go so fast that I don’t have time for any kind of signaling.

You, my dear readers, will have to fend for yourselves (whatever that means).

Would I kid u?

The Money Is Rolling In

Each day I am being bombarded by ads on radio and television about how I can save $300 to $500 just by changing Auto Insurance Companies. This got me to “thinking” (I’ve got to stop doing this … I think).

If I can save just by changing, it will take about six to seven changes and I will find myself being paid to insure my car.

This could be a real economic boon to Car-Owning America but it will not be as simple as it now appears once the boon gets to booming. We will most certainly need Federal Intervention…

• We cannot have a situation where too many people pick the same company to be their last company because that is the one that will have to send a check (or an Electronic Funds Transfer).
• If this were to happen, that unlucky company would go out of business very quickly.
• The Federal Government will have to step in and set up a Computerized Rotational Last Company Selection Regulation (CRLCSR).
• This will bring order to a process that might otherwise become very chaotic.

Can’t you just hear one of our Congressmen saying…
“Once again Congress has come to the aid of the Folks Back Home! Without our timely action on this issue, some of our Auto Insurance Companies would have gone out of business very quickly. This legislation will insure that the all go out of business very slowly”.

Now is that not a lot better?

Would I kid u?

Construction of a Shower Stall with a View Toward Preventing Litigation

The health club where I am desperately trying to prevent my heart from attacking me has a brand new shower stall. Because I have a tendency to allow my mind to wander, I find this seemingly mundane plastic cleaning compartment quite interesting.

Here is what my wandering mind has been taking note of…

• The floor of the stall is constructed with a very gentle slope toward the center drain hole. This has been done to ward off law suits due to a person’s slippery foot slipping on the slippery floor if the slope were too sloping and thereby causing the showering person to slip and fall. If this were to happen, there would almost certainly be a lawsuit because the showering person slipped in lawsuit happy America.
• The floor of the stall is constructed without any kind of lip or ledge on the floor where the dirty person steps in to become clean. This has been done to ward off law suits due to the stepping in (or out) person tripping on the way in (or out) thereby causing the dirty (or now clean) person to trip and fall. If this were to happen, there would almost certainly be a lawsuit because the shower person tripped in lawsuit happy America.
• Because the slope is so gentle the water does not drain fast enough.
• What the water does do is build up and overflow out of the shower stall because there is no lip or ledge to prevent it from doing so.
• This results in water flowing out of the stall onto the tiled bathroom floor.
• The water on the tiled bathroom floor is waiting for the slippery clean foot to step onto it which will, any day now, cause a newly cleaned person to slip and fall which will almost certainly result in a lawsuit in lawsuit happy America.

At first I did not understand why that young trial lawyer was sitting outside the bathroom with his business card at the ready. Being sly, cunning and alert, it was not long before I figured it out. He is there waiting for the thud and the moan from inside the bathroom. He is there as a “public servant” to see that we get what’s coming to us (and to make payments on his Mercedes Benz) in lawsuit happy America.

Would I kid u?

Over There, You Are Evil ... Over Here, Okie Dokie

In the Wall Street Journal I read where a corporation is in trouble with the U.S. Justice Department and the U.S. Securities Exchange Commission about paying bribe money to foreign officials in order to do business in Africa, Asia and Eastern Europe.

This investigation has been going on since 2004 but will now be called to a halt because the corporation has agreed to pay $185,000,000 to our government.

I know those people up there in government are smarter than little ole me but does this not seem like they are paying a bribe in order to call a halt to a bribery investigation?

Yea, I know I am wrong ... Or am I?

Would I kid u?

Ever Heard Of A Boomerang Bullet?

Recently I saw an article about a happening in Europe that will most certainly have my dear readers chuckling and saying to their selves, “Self, he made up another one. He is not as good at disguising his made-up foolishness as he once was. He has lost his touch”.

I am going to see if I can make you believe this one anyway…

• In Switzerland an attorney went to court in defense of a 22-pound pike that fought a fisherman for 10 minutes before surrendering.
• The attorney is the only official animal lawyer in Switzerland.
• He became interested in animal rights at the age of 23, when an accident left him unable to speak for 10 days, helping him understand the plight of animals who can't express themselves.
• He wound up with the pike for a client when animal-welfare groups filed a complaint alleging animal cruelty in the fish’s epic battle with an amateur angler.
• He represents the interest of pets, farm animals and wildlife.
• The thinking justifying the need for animal lawyers galore is that: If people accused of mistreating animals can hire lawyers, the victims of such abuse are also entitled to representation.
• Serious animal cruelty is punishable by three years in jail
• Since the 1970s, Swiss animals have enjoyed greater protection than critters anywhere else in the world…
  o Prospective dog owners must take a four-hour course before buying a pet.
  o Social species including birds, fish and yaks must have companionship.
  o Bird cages and aquariums must have at least one opaque side to make the occupants feel safe.
  o The law specifies how to put down a sick fish: with a sharp blow to the head or immersed in water mixed with clove oil dissolved in alcohol.
  o You can't just flush fish down the toilet.
  o Scientists must consider the dignity of plants before embarking on experiments.

There was a referendum on March 7, 2010 that proposed to compel all of Switzerland’s cantons (member states of the federal state of Switzerland) to have an animal lawyer.

If the referendum had passed, animals would have had the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If the animals could not have afforded a lawyer, one would have been appointed at government expense.

The referendum was defeated but, based on my years as being a keen observer of foolishness, this issue will be back. Switzerland may have dodged a bullet this time but this is a Boomerang Bullet … it is turning around even as I peck out this Foolishness…Or Is It?.

Click here, if you have not had enough:
http://goldismoney.info/forums/showthread.php?p=2214783#post2214783

Here comes my Super Duper Foolishness … Or Is It? ...
If this referendum had passed, here is what we would have started to see in the world around us…

• Fishermen would be required to use hooks made out of stiff cardboard.
• Hand guns would be issued to all pets, farm animals, wild animals, fish and, of course, plants.
• Pet owners would be required to sleep in those little doggie houses with their best friends.
• Litter boxes … I’ll leave this one alone.

Would I kid u?

Talking On A Cell Phone While Doing Other Things

Every day that goes by cell phones are more a part of our lives.

The other day I saw a lady in a coffee shop who was talking on a cell phone while she was reading a book. That was a first for me but she seemed to be handling her dual chores with ease.

In the past I have seen the likes of…

• Talking on a cell phone while driving a car.
• Talking on a cell phone while using any number of different pieces of exercise equipment in a gym.
• Talking on a cell phone while tennis matches are being interrupted because one of the players got a call and the other players have to watch and wait.
• Mommy talking on a cell phone in a restaurant while her little darling child runs around annoying the other diners. This is called bonding (Defined as: A relationship that usually begins at the time of birth between a parent and offspring and that establishes the basis for an ongoing mutual attachment).

What does the future have in store our divided-attention world?

• Talking on a cell phone while doing brain surgery.
• Talking on a cell phone while being knighted by Queen Elizabeth II.
• Talking on a cell phone while your six year old son directs traffic at a major metropolitan airport.

That’s progress…Or is it?

Would I kid u?

Heaven Forbid We Should Do Any Such Thing

Another day in the Middle East…

• Someone blows up a whole bunch of people.
• One side is accused of blatant unmitigated discrimination against the other side.
• The several militant groups on one side turn against each other instead of directing their hate against the other side.
• Someone blows up a whole bunch of people.
• One side makes speeches vowing to wipe the other side completely off the face of the Earth.
• One side is reported to be on the verge of lunching an air strike against the other side.
• Someone blows up a whole bunch of people.

Cooler heads now step in to do their prevailing. One of the cooler heads makes a speech in which something like this is said…
“It is very important that this proposes plan of action should not be put into effect. If that were to happen, it might destabilize the entire Middle East”.

Heaven forbid that anyone should destabilize the Middle East because, up until now, it has been so peaceful.

Would I kid u?

If It Sounds Familiar … It’s About To Change

There are some people whose primary objective in life is to change things. The question I am trying to answer is are we better off after the Changers have done the Changing or are we just plain Confused.

Don’t know what I am talking about? Allow me to explain myself…

• “Meeting” now has become “Meetup” … Why bother? Is this better?
• “Increase in Taxes” now has become “Revenue Enhancement” … I fully understand the reason for this. It is Taxpayer Deception.
• “Tax Cut” has now become “Lost Revenue” … (See above bullet).
• “Adultery” has now become “Encounter with Another Person” … Adultery had a smutty connotation but an Encounter is just one of those things. Heck, Cole Porter even wrote about it in 1935. He was way ahead of his time.
• “Suspect” has now become “Person of Interest” … It took a lot of TV Detective Show watching for me to figure this one out.
• “Gas Tax” has now become “Road User Fee” … (See reference to Deception above).
• What was formerly known as “Pork Barrel Projects” and then became “Earmarks” has now become “Budgetary Tools”.

Here is what got me going on this subject…

• Recently my newspaper informed me of a story involving a Fire Chief that was on his way to the scene of an accident.
• While he was on his way to the accident, he died.
• Did he die of a heart attack?
• Did he die because he had his own accident?
• Did he die because he had a stroke?

I can’t tell you why he died because it was reported that he died of a “Critical Medical Episode”. Do you know what that is? I don’t. I can guess but why should I have to guess? Is it not the task of our News Media to take the guesswork out of our information seeking?

The purpose of communication is to communicate. This is really not that complicated. Here are some of the ways in which we communicate: Talking … Emailing … Twittering … Texting … Mailing Letters (remember them?) … Sign Language.

The last category above has a subcategory called, Hand Gestures. These may be the only means of communicating that cannot be obfuscated. There is no doubt about your having been communicated with if someone sends a Hand Gesture your way.

Would I kid u?

We Are Great At Naming Laws

When our rulers in Washington, DC decide that they are going to create a law the first thing they do is spend lots of our taxes trying to come up with a real neat name for the law.

I used the word “neat” in the above paragraph. Many times the word “deceptive” can be substituted for “neat”. The objective is to sell us on the justification and/or dire need for law in the name of the law.

The same holds true where I live. In 2006 my home state passed a law called Georgia Security and Immigration Compliance Act. With a name like this the vote was assured as soon as the naming was done. Who of us could be against Security?

Now we find out, four years later, that the law’s name has tricked us, again…

• The law did not provide any funding for auditing of contractors.
• Since there was no funding, there was no auditing.
• If there had been funding for auditing and if auditing had actually been performed to determine if contractors were complying with the law, there are no penalties provided in the law for failure to comply with the law.

What if our Income Tax Laws were written by the geniuses that wrote the Georgia Security and Immigration Compliance Act? We would have our beloved IRS trying to enforce tax collections with something like this…

• Citizens must pay their taxes.
• No one will ever check to find out whether or not you paid your taxes.
• If anyone in the government ever did find out that you did not pay your taxes, there are no penalties in the law for not paying your taxes.
• If any member of our government ever did find out that you had paid your taxes, a team of tax-payer funded psychiatrists will be send out to examine your head.

I admit I got carried away with this last part … Or Did I?

Would I kid u?

The Fix

I have an absolutely certain way for our federal government to save enormous amounts of money and each of you can help. After you read this Foolishness?, please write your respective Members of Congress and urge my plan’s immediate adoption.

I am sure you will see the wisdom of what I am about to propose to you…
This could be Big…Really Big!

• Anytime there is any kind of financial hiccup in Washington The Fix is always to raise taxes.
• It is the first thing our 9% Approval Rated Congress turns to.
• Once The Fix is turned to, Congress does not do any more turning because they know they are on the correct path along the Road to Recovery.
• After imposing The Fix, they always head off to Happy Hour with the satisfaction of knowing they have done their jobs well.

My idea does not attempt to alter this Works-Every-Time-Fix of theirs. My plan is actually an augmentation to their time tested and proven course of action

• There is a tremendous and on-going expenditure of tax payer funds involved in flying Members of Congress back and forth to Washington.
• What Congress could is to have each of its members sign 10 Pre-Tax Increase Authorizations (PTIA) each January.
• The PTIAs could then be thrown into the Vote Basket by low pay scale clerks throughout the year as is necessary to keep the tax increase mechanism humming along.
• The members would not even have to go in each January to sign that year’s PTIA’s.
• They could email them in from wherever they are (golf course, tanning salon, bar, etc).

This is so well thought out that the only Members of Congress that actually need to be in Washington are the Senate Majority Leader and the Speaker of the House.

Remember the Dunkin Donuts Baker in the commercial from years ago? He was shown entering his Dunkin Donuts and saying, “Time to make the donuts”. The Speaker and the Leader could just phone each other and say, “Time to get out the Vote Basket”.

Once the process is started the vote and the resultant tax increase could be done in less than an hour. Then they could go to Happy Hour. Yes, I know Happy Hour will be kind of lonely and not near as much fun but that is the price that they will have to pay for the honor of being leaders in our great Democratic Republic.

There is a flaw in this seemingly perfect course of action. Over the years you, my dear readers, have proven your savvy and I am sure that most of you have already seen it.

Because of the tremendous reduction in air travel by Members of Congress, the Airline Industry will suffer significant loss of revenue. This will, of course, mean that Congress will have to pass a law granting the Airline Industry substantial subsidies. This will, of course, mean that we will have to have a Tax Increase.

Would I kid u?

Why Did I Buy All That?

Don’t know why you just bought what you bought? That’s because you may have lost control of your power to make shopping decisions. Why is that? How did that happen? It’s because you have fallen victim to…
Neuromarketing Techniques (Did I just hear you say, "Huh?")
An article in The Wall Street Journal informs me that the good people who bring you Campbell’s Soup have been conspiring against you…

• They have concluded a two year effort to figure how to get you to buy more soup.
• They are going to help you connect on a deeper level with their soups through the design of their soup can labels.
• Their research has been studying microscopic changes in skin moisture, heart rate, depth and pace of breathing, posture and other biometrics that happen when a shopper makes eye contact with different soup can labels.
• They now better understand how near-instant brain and body responses relate to how people generate meaning from new label information presented to them.
• They now better understand the neurological and bodily responses to an ad rather than how people thought they had reacted to that ad.
• They understand how you are emotionally engaged with their soup can presentation.

Yes, dear reader, you just may find your shopping cart full of many varied varieties of Campbell Soups and you will have no idea how those cans got into your now overflowing basket.

It seems the days of some soup guys going out to lunch and scribbling a new label on a paper napkin have come to an end.

I hope they have not paid so much attention to the design of their soup can labels that they forget the Dog Food Convention…

• The General Sales Manager stands up before his entire national sales force.
• He proceeds to get them all revved up with a series of cadenced questions…
  o “Who has the best dog food marketing program in the dog food industry?”
  o The response is, “We do!”
  o “Who has the most attractive dog food can and labeling in dog food industry?”
  o The response is, “We do!”
  o Who spends the most money on advertising in the dog food industry?”
  o The response is, “We do!”
• Having laid his trap, he gets real serious and angry and he shouts at his sales force, “Then why in the hell are we last in sales in the industry?”
• An old time dog food salesman in the front row replies, “Cuz the dogs don’t like the dog food.”

Would I kid u?”

Diffusing Public Outrage

It happens all the time. The Folks Back Home (that’s us) get excited about something outrageous that is happening in Washington, D.C. For example, imagine that we get all lathered up because Congress is proposing a steep tax on popcorn sold in movie theatres. We demand to know how this can be justified. Their response is typically Washingtonian … “Because the popcorn kernels are yellow before they are popped but the popped corn is white after it is popped”.

We folks back home immediately see this as worse than Taxation without Representation but we see it as an evil form of Taxation with Representation which was certainly not the intent or our Founding Fathers.

We go ballistic. We make phone calls in protest. We send emails filled with indignation. We call Talk Shows and vent our spleens. We threaten to “Throw the Bums out of Office”. We threaten a lot. We seldom do any throwing.

Our 9% Approval Rating Congress becomes concerned about our indignation. They spring into action. They always diffuse such volatile situations by one simple oft-repeated action … They Appoint a Committee to Study the Situation.

These committees take on varied different names…
•Non-Partisan Committee
•Bipartisan Study Group
•Fact Finding Committee
•Independent Review Board
•Intraparty Committee
•Blue Ribbon Panel
•Obfuscation Committee

It works every time…
• This is seen by us folks back home as a serious attempt to rectify these egregious situations.
• We are told that we have been heard and Committee/Study Group/Board/Panel will meet five different times to zero in on our grievances and publish their results in fifteen months.
• We do not even get suspicious when we read that they are going to meet in Las Vegas, the Big Island in Hawaii (they choose the Big Island because it is emblematic of how Big they consider our concerns to be), Paris, Sydney and in the Mickey Mouse Conference Center in Disneyland in Florida.

We go back to our mundane lives content in knowing that our 9% approval rating congress is diligently looking into our protestations.

Twenty months later (whatever happened to fifteen months?) their conclusions are published in our newspapers on page twenty-three of Section C. It is just happenstance that this is the same day that some major news story has happened and the resultant dire consequences are plastered over all the front pages of the world.

Then one day we go to our local move theatre, buy a box of popcorn (smaller than it used to be) and find that the price has gone up dramatically.

Some of us don’t notice. Others of us say to ourselves, “Oh well”. A small minority of us contacts our members of congress and we are given an explanation that goes along these lines … “We definitely did not put a tax on popcorn! What happened was a tree fell on an ox cart in a logging area of Thailand which causes a worldwide shortage of paper products. The price increase you experienced in your last purchase of a box of popcorn in your local movie theatre was the effect of that worldwide paper products shortage. It’s market forces that caused your popcorn cost to increase.”

We, being the simple folk that we are, say to our duly elected Member of Congress, “Well that makes sense. Thank you for your efforts on our behalf. I will be sure to vote for you next time” … Or Will We?

Would I kid u?

A Sure Fire Money Making Idea

I have enough money. Some of my dear readers do not have enough money. Since those of you who do not have enough money have been officially classified by our 9% Approval Rating Congress as Down Trodden, I am allowing one of you officially declared Down Troddeners to take my money making idea and run with it. In short order, the go getter among you who first seizes this opportunity will be transformed into one of the filthy rich. I am such a nice guy that I will not ask for a piece of the action.

A short while back I created a Foolish…Or Is It that directed your attention to the $270 pair of jeans in Bloomingdale's Department Store. Many of these worn out looking “bargain” jeans have slits in the knees. In fact, that is the most popular “alteration” seen on the jean scene. If the jeans do not come already cool (with slits), many of the dudes & dudettes out there will put the slits in with a knife as soon as they get home.

There are two Really Cool Hot Fads out there in The World of Cool…
• Slits in the knees of jeans.
• Tattoos on the human body almost everywhere you can imagine.

Do you see it? It ought to be jumping out at you! It’s Tattoos on Kneecaps!

When a modern day cool dude or cool dudette sits down, their kneecaps show through their cool knee slits. The person who patents the Tattoos on Kneecaps Idea is going be filthy rich!

I can just see tattoos peeping out at America…
• 2 Elvis'.
• Jessica & her latest squeeze.
• The Lone Ranger & Tonto.
• Tom Cruise & what's her name.
• Shaq & Kobe.
• Frick & Frack.
• Dale Earnhardt, the dead one & the not dead one.
• Ball Players, before they becoming bobble head doll looking persons & after they become bobble head doll looking persons.

The possibilities are endless!

Would I kid u?