We Need The Federal Government Because We Can Depend On The Federal Government To Get Things Done Right And On Time... Or can they?

I quote from USA Today...

“11:46PM EST November 5. 2012 - Seventeen months have passed since the Department of Homeland Security announced it would create an internal civil rights review of the Obama administration's signature immigration enforcement program, but now department officials cannot say when, or if, they will complete it.”

Note the use of the phrase,

“Obama administration's signature immigration enforcement program”

Now I ask you, if our Crack Bureaucracy can’t get our President’s Signature Program put together, what do you think are your chances of them getting around to Your Signature Program?

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Homeland Security,Immigration Enforcement Program

The Three Wise Men Are At It Again

Much to their surprise the Three Wise Men have been resurrected from the dead put back on their camels and sent out to find a Fourth Wise Man.

Needless to say this confused them to no end but long ago they proved that they do as they are told (when God is the one doing the telling).

However, they again proved why they were originally given the designation of Wise Men right from the get-go. They traded in their camels for a Lexus and set off on their trek.

Their first destination was to a place they had been hearing for a long time which supposedly had all the answers...Hollywood. (Yes, they did have the ability to hear while they were dead.) They stayed there for two full weeks. They observed such things as...

• Guys with earrings in jewelry stores buying bobbles for their current wife and/or their boyfriends.
• Lots of chase scenes where they observed dozens of cars which rolled over instead of going crunch when they ran into other cars.
• “Stars” posing over their Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame right after they had completed their first movie. (They commented to each other that they now understood why Clark Gable, Gary Cooper and Tyrone Power were always turning over in their graves.)

They are nothing if they are not persistent. They began driving across the country and stopped in at various State Capitals as they went. They made sure to stop in on Sacramento, CA and Springfield, IL but were bitterly disappointed.

Somewhere around Ohio they saw a Talking Head on CNN talking his head about the wonderful things that were happening in Washington, DC and they stepped on the accelerator.

When they got to Washington’s City Limits they were surprised to find a Welcome Sign that had the following directive written on it...

Anyone Seeking Entrance Must First Deposit Any Part of Their Brain That Controls Logical Thinking (Most Especially Any Part That Has the Slightest Effect on Common Sense) into the Bottomless Pit

A neon flashing arrow pointed to an Outhouse alongside the Interstate. They had no intention of complying with the sign’s directive but they have always been a curious lot, so they went in.

They squeezed into the Outhouse and peered down into the Bottomless Pit with their lanterns. The newly elected Congressmen standing in line closest to the outhouse heard them say to each other in unison.

“By Golly, the Bottomless Pit is almost full!”

The cross I have to bear is the fact that some of you think I made this whole story up.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Wise Men,Common Sense,Hollywood

Social Security Is Running Out Of Money...Or Is It?

Social Security Is Running Out Of Money. The Last Thing We Ought To Do Is Take Money Out Of Social Security.

This Foolishness...Or Is It? could end right here. The above is a statement of fact and no one could argue with it...Or could they?

Have you heard about the Payroll Tax Holiday? This “holiday”, which is reducing money going into Social Security, was first proposed by Republicans and the Democrats gladly climbed on board.

Does this sound like Foolishness?...It sure does!

Now that I have slammed your elected representatives and tried to destroy your heretofore unquestioned faith in their wisdom, I need to attempt to restore your confidence in them...

Your Congress Took the Money Out but They Did Not Take the Money Out Because They Replaced the Money They Took Out with Money from the General Fund of the U.S. Treasury Department

Now that I have restored your heretofore unquestioned faith in their wisdom, I need to tell you how stupid they are...

The General Fund of the U.S. Treasury Department Does Not Have This Replacement Money So Your Congress Is Either Printing the Money or Borrowing It From China

Please do not add a comment to this blog posting telling me that you think this makes it all better.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Social Security System,Payroll Tax Holiday

How To Catch A Thief

I read recently where a bad guy in Austria stole 18 Tons of Chocolate.

The question of the day in Austria is... Will he ever be caught?

I contend that not a single minute of police work ought to be expended in any attempt to catch this thief. He will be caught for sure. The police just must be patient. All they have to do is wait 8 to 10 years. Within that time span a very fat guy is going to come waddling into an Emergency Room somewhere in Austria. When that happens they can put the cuffs on him.

There will be no need to rush up to him with the cuffs. He is not going to run away.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Thief,Chocolate,Austria,Emergency

A Few Days Ago I Said I Was Rich But Now I Realize How Rich I’m Not

In a recent blog posting I said I was rich because a benefactor was paying me $.25 every time anyone anywhere said or wrote the phrase “Black Friday”. If you want to refresh your memory go to...

http://www.forii.blogspot.com/2012/11/im-suddenly-rich-other-silliness-about.html

My wealth could be incalculable if someone would be willing to pay me $.10 every time anyone anywhere says or writes the phrase, “Fiscal Cliff”.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Black Friday,Fiscal Cliff,Rich

An Arithmetic Lesson or Do You Remember Common Sense?

Have you looked at my Credit Card Statement lately? There I go being silly again. Of course you have not looked at my Credit Card Statement but, more to the point, have you looked at your Credit Card Statement lately?

My last Credit Card Statement has a warning in it for me. Yours does to. Allow me to direct your attention to your Credit Card Statement’s Dire (that’s right “dire”) Warning...

• Mine tells me my new balance is $1,902.
• It also warns me, if I make only the minimum payment each month and do not buy anything more with the card, it will take 20 years to pay off the new balance.

What did I just hear you say to yourself? Did I just hear you say to yourself, “I’ll just get a few more credit cards and get my stuff with them”. I wish I had not heard you say that to yourself.

------------------------

Are my numbers too small to make an impact on you? Let’s try some actual big numbers from one of our USofA’s states.

This state has Unfunded Pension Liability of $83,000,000,000...

Otherwise known as 83 Billion Dollars otherwise known as 83 Thousand Million Dollars

Do I see you starting to fog over at my attempt to get you to be concerned for this state’s predicament? Allow me to try again...

As of the end of September this silly state has $6,000,000,000 in Unpaid Bills...

Otherwise known as 6 Billion Dollars otherwise known as 6 Thousand Million Dollars

There are other states in similar dire situations and their “leaders” don’t seem to be concerned either.

How could any official in any of these states not be in a state of panic? Panic is nowhere to be seen because, as Senator Foghorn Leghorn would say to us...

“Why, son, don’t you understand that we have shopping to do and it’s football season, son, by golly, I say again, It’s Football Season!”

------------------------

Now would you like me to go on and put together a similar analysis of our Federal Governments fiscal situation? I can’t do it. My computer does not have enough words and numbers inside it to do this Untenable, Unsustainable, Unbelievable situation justice.

Just for a moment think about this one point. Can you even imagine how much Interest we are paying? Are we even making the Minimum Payment on this Credit Card Bill? If we are making the minimum payment, it does not make the Smartfella feel one bit better.

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I’m exhausted and you are tired of me so I’ll close with this...

Our Federal Debt is 16 Trillion Dollars and growing every minute.

Did I just hear you say to yourself, “Sixteen isn't that much”? Think about it this way...

Sixteen Trillion Dollars Is Sixteen Thousand Billion Dollars!

Our debt is growing at more than $3.5 Billion a day and that’s much.

Would I kid u?

More: Did I just hear you say to yourself, “3.5 isn’t much. Why that’s not even 4.”? You know, sometimes I wish I did not have the gift of being able to hear what you say to yourself.

Technorati Tags: Federal Debt,Debt,Federal Deficit,Deficit,Credit Card

In The Spirit Of Compromise

There is much talk in Washington these days about the need to reach Consensus on the many issues that our “leaders” have been haggling over for a long time. The word Compromise is in vogue.

If you do not know what Compromise means to the warring factions in Congress, I will try to enlighten you. In the Official Congressional Dictionary the word Compromise is defined as...

Compromise is achieved when the idiots on the other side of the aisle agree to give in to your logical arguments and consents to give you somewhere between 75% and 100% of what you have been rightfully demanding.

Please allow me to give you an example of Compromise using irrefutable logic.

Let’s abandon the Congressional Definition above and say the Compromise in my example is a Meet Exactly in the Middle Compromise. If you are smarter than a Fifth Grader you will not need your calculator to follow along as we Compromise our way to a Congressional Consensus.

Let talk taxes...

• The side that wants higher taxes demands a certain percentage increase in taxes.
• The side that does not want higher taxes agrees to compromise and consents to meet half way.
• The next time it is convenient to bring up the subject of tax increases the side that wants higher taxes demands a certain percentage increase in taxes.
• The side that does not want higher taxes agrees to compromise and consents to meet half way.

Need I add more bullets? Let us just say that this demand for higher taxes and compromise settlement goes on and on through an unlimited number of cycles...

It does not give me the least bit of solace to know that mathematically taxes will never get to 100%.

How about you? Does that make you feel better? If it does, you are not smarter than a Fifth grader.

I can just hear members of our Congress poking holes in the air on the floors of their respective chambers saying…

“My Fellow Americans, we did not take it all. You have some left.”

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Compromise,Consensus,Taxes

I’m Suddenly Rich & Other Silliness About Black Friday

It came at me like a bolt from the blue (whatever that means). There I was sitting in a coffee shop one day dreaming about a solution to the Middle East Situation and up walks this complete stranger who said to me, “I am willing to give you $.25 for every time anyone anywhere says or writes the phrase “Black Friday” between now and the day after Thanksgiving.” Since my benefactor made this generous offer to me on November 1st, I knew I was about to reap a bonanza.

I have been known to waste a lot of time day dreaming. Oh, I don’t mean to infer that day dreaming is a waste of time but day dreaming about a solution to the Middles East Situation is definitely a colossal waste of time.

Now, if I could just talk my benefactor into paying me $.25 for every time anyone anywhere says or writes the phrase “Cyber Monday”, I could really be rich.

------------------------

I know for a fact that if Charles Darwin were alive he would be rolling over in his grave just dying to be able to write about the Evolution of Black Friday.

Now this silly phenomenon is spreading its hysteria laden tentacles beyond just one day. This year we saw parts of Thanksgiving Day given over to shopping.

It will not be long before we will be seeing Talking Heads standing outside retail stores breathlessly reporting to us about Black Thursday Friday Saturday shopping activities.

The next iteration is we will be given over to a whole month of this hysteria and we will be hearing reports about Black November.

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You, of course, remember the title of my Blog is “Foolishness...Or Is It?” and this next part is definitely Silliness... Or is it?

• A reporter approaches a bleeding shopper pushing an overflowing shopping cart while dragging a second overflowing shopping cart behind her.
• The reporter asks the shopper, “Are you glad you gave up your Thanksgiving Day dinner with your family so you could go out and buy all this stuff for Christmas?
• The shopper looks a little confused and says in reply, “What’s Thanksgiving?”
• The confused look on the shopper face gets more confused looking as she goes on to ask, “What’s Christmas?”

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In keeping with the continuing trend towards violence in our Once Great Country I bring you this headline from my morning newspaper today...

Police: 2 shot at Florida Wal-Mart over parking space

Yes, parking spaces are at a premium on Black Friday. They are so important that a man and a woman shot each other over the necessity to occupy one of them.

That’s the bad news. The good news is neither injury is life-threatening and both combatants are expected to be recovered by next Black Friday to go back into the line of fire.

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On Monday of this week (Black Friday Week) I saw a news piece on TV about savvy shoppers who had already put up tents outside a Best Buy and were in the process of spending their week waiting for the doors to open on the big day.

This begs the question...Do these people not have jobs and, if they do not have jobs, where do they get the money to go into Best Buy and spend a lot of money so they can save a lot of money?

Please do not tell me that they are subsidized by our Federal Government under something like the Aid to Shoppers Who Choose Not to Work Program created to allow they to pursue their life’s work...Shopping.

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One of these tented shoppers was filmed sitting all bundled up against the cold playing a video game on her Xbox using a 32” Flat Screen TV.

Does this mental midget not realize that when she rushes into the store to gather up her new “necessities of life”, someone is going to steal her Xbox, Table, TV and Folding Chair?

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There you have it. You have just read my apparently annual tirade (I did something like this last year too) against Black Friday. The good news is you have been entertained (I hope). The bad news is I did not make up any of what you have read...Or did I?

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Black Friday,Shopping

How Much Of The Obvious Do We Not See?

Activate your Mind’s Eye and picture this scene...

For this Thanksgiving you decide you are going to fly back home on Eastern Airlines. After a big turkey dinner you and your father are looking forward to sitting around the fire while drinking some good ole Schlitz Beer.

There are a couple of cants in what your mind’s eye pictured above. Did you get my drift? If you did not, I am very disappointed in you.

• Eastern Airlines went out of business after a labor dispute.
• Schlitz Beer went out of business after a labor dispute.

By next Thanksgiving, if you decided to walk back home and sit around the fire with your dad and drink apple juice, you may not be able to eat Twinkies with your apple juice.

Do you get my drift?

It appears the bakers at Hostess did not get my drift. They are about to have a lot of time on their hands to Wonder if maybe they asked for too much Dough and when the bell of recognition goes off in their heads it’s going to go Ding Dong.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Hostess,Twinkies,Bakers,Eastern,Schlitz

I Was Feeling Very Uneasy ... I Feel Better Now

It was very disconcerting. I could not shake the uneasy feeling that the Good Ole USofA was drifting without anyone really knowing where the drift was taking us. It seemed like there were No Experts anywhere anymore.

Then the election happened and everything changed overnight. The day after the election we were covered up with Experts, Pundits and Talking Heads who knew in minute detail everything Romney had done wrong....

• He was Too Tentative.
• Only talking about The Economy was a Strategic Error.
• He did not answer back to those who said Nasty Things about him.
• His wife was a Known Equestrian.
• At no point did Romney give people any Reason To Vote For Him, and so they didn't.
• Democrats showed decisively that their Ground Game is devastatingly better.
• He did not offer a Specific Agenda.
• His running mate did not laugh enough during his debate with the laughing guy. This was such a tipping point in this campaign and many a Think Tank is currently analyzing the previously unseen benefits to be gained in future debates by laughing, making funny faces and fainting shock and surprise.
• He was Too Forceful.
• He did not respect Voter’s Savvy.
• He could not get the vote from Young People, African-Americans and Hispanics.
• He never seemed to articulate a Clear Rationale for the presidency.
• He should not have picked Paul Ryan. He should have picked a running mate from a more winnable Battleground State.
• He was married to the Same Woman for too long.
• He had an uneven Communications Strategy.
• He allowed himself to be branded as a Corporate Raider.
• He lacked a Specific Vision for the future.
• Hurricane Sandy did him in.
• His campaign was guilty of Poor Media Buying.
• He showed his lifelong Distain for Women by only having Male Offspring.
• He allowed himself to be defined as an Outsourcing Plutocrat who wanted to let Detroit Go Bankrupt.
• He did not talk about People enough.
• He talked about Jobs too much.
• He held squishy positions on Abortion and Same-Sex Marriage.
• He killed his dog by strapping him to the roof of his car. When he did try to answer this contention from 30 years ago his accuser forced him to admit the dog was, in fact, dead and he was left speechless and looking rather callous, confused and incompetent.

The next campaign for president of our formerly great country is going to very interesting indeed. In 2016 the Republicans will be a cinch winner. They will not need to come up with a Catchy Slogan like...

• “Tippecanoe & Tyler Too” (Harrison)
• “Don't Swap Horses in the Middle of the Stream” (Lincoln)
• “He Kept Us Out of War” (Wilson)
• “Let's Get Another Deck” (Landon)
• “Give “Em Hell, Harry” (Truman)
• “I Like Ike” (Eisenhower)
• “In Your Heart You Know He's Right” (Goldwater) ... Rebutted by “In Your Guts You Know He’s Nuts” (Democrats)
• “Nixon Is The One” (Nixon)
• “Change You Can Believe In” (Obama)

It now appears that all the 2016 GOP Candidate needs to say is, “I’m Not Romney”.

Those of you who were hoping the next campaign would not last as long as this past campaign are by now very disappointed because you realize that the 2016 Campaign started on November 7, 2012.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: 2016,Romney,Obama,Election

A Piece of History Straight To You from the Year 1787

At about the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in the year 1787, Alexander Tyler (a Scottish history professor at The University of Edinborough) had this to say about "The Fall of The Athenian Republic" some 2,000 years prior.

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, (which is) always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the world’s greatest civilizations from the beginning of history has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:
From Bondage to spiritual faith;
From spiritual faith to great courage;
From courage to liberty;
From liberty to abundance;
From abundance to complacency;
From complacency to apathy;
From apathy to dependence;
From dependence back into bondage."

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Too Serious A Subject For Foolishness...Or Is It?

If you are offended by Mr. Tyler’s words, you ought not to be. History is historical.  I simply thought Mr. Tyler’s serious words were worth thinking about…by all of us.

For the next posting I will get back to being inspired by the immortal words of Willy Wonka, “A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Alexander Tyler,Democracy,History,Willy Wonka

The End Of War

There are all kinds of justifications for going to war that have been used throughout the history of personkind (formerly known as mankind). Some were gargantuan issues and others were downright silly. All resulted in the deaths of human (now known as huperson) beings. On many occasions the Silly Wars killed more people than did the Gargantuan Wars.
I have a proposal to stop all future wars. It is brilliantly simple...

Require That the Leaders of The About-To-Go-To-War Opponents Sit At A Conference Table And Stick Out Their Tongues At Each Other

This would allow each side to show their absolute disdain for the other side. Once the sticking out was done with and their anger had dissipated they could then go back to governing their minions in peace.
Oh my gosh! I just saw the fly in this brilliant ointment. As logical as it may appear my brilliant plan for world peace will never work.
What if one of the leaders has a tongue that is longer than the other? This would certainly result in anger and the hurling of mean accusations across the Peace Table and the missiles would be launched within minutes.
As The Kingston Trio sang to us so many years ago...

Some tongue will set the spark off and we will all be blown away.

They're rioting in Africa. They're starving in Spain. There’s hurricanes in Florida. And Texas needs rain.

The whole world is festering with unhappy souls. The French hate the Germans. The Germans hate the poles.

Italians hate Yugoslavs. South Africans hate the Dutch. And I don’t like anybody very much.

But we can be tranquil and thankful and proud. For man’s been endowed with a mushroom shaped cloud.

And we know for certain that some lovely day someone has not set the spark off and we will all be blown away.

They’re rioting in Africa. There’s strife in Iran. What nature doesn’t do to us. Will be done by our fellow man.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: War,Kingston Trio,World Peace,Humor

Why Does The Taxing Authority Charge Me Tax On That?

The answer to the question posed in the title of this posting is, “Because they are the Taxing Authority and they can”.

In many respects taxation is only limited by our various governmental agencies’ ability to think of something to tax. I mentioned in a blog posting once before that Medieval European Taxing Authorities once levied a tax on the Windows in their constituent’s homes. The people “rebelled” and started bricking up their windows. I don’t know this for a fact but I do wonder if Ye Ole Medieval Taxing Authority started taxing bricks.

A Sales Tax is...

A tax imposed by the government at the point of sale on retail goods and services.

Or is it?

Enter from stage left The State of California. Why is California special? That’s because these people really know how to tax. They also know how to spend more than they tax. In their small minds this means they need to impose more taxes because they must not have taxed enough in the first place. A good example is the California Cell Phone.

We are all familiar with phone companies selling the actual phones themselves for a reduced price to get customers to sign with them for cell phone service. The phones themselves are, many times, greatly reduced in price. The Californian Minion then pays his 8.25% Sales Tax on the greatly reduced price...Or does he?

There is a bureaucrat in California that got a big bonus because he came up with the idea of charging the sales tax on the real value. In California, if you pay $30 for a $400 phone, you pay tax on $400 ($33) not on $30 ($4.75). That’s almost 7 times more money into California’s Coffers.

Does California even bother to “justify” this tax levy? Actually it does. Their explanation is that the phone company gives this reduced price because they recoup the real value of the phone by requiring the buyer to sign a long term contract. The California Taxing Authority says it is only getting it’s just due (whatever that means).

Want to analyze this “justification” with me for a bit? Think about it. The State of California also charges a Sales Tax on Each Monthly Payment made by the minion. That means California gets it’s just due 8.25% sales tax twice.

Ever wonder why California’s Minions don’t rebel? The reason is they are afraid to make their Taxing Authority mad at them. If they get mad at them, they might raise their taxes or, even worse, impose a Rebellion Tax.

Would I kid u?

Technorati Tags: Taxes,Cell Phones,California

Two Prior Postings Because It Is Silly Season Again

What do I mean about “Silly Season”? That’s the Presidential Election Cycle, of course...

First...

Exit Polling

Yea, I understand how they do it but what I don't understand is how they get to, where they get to once they are done doing it.

I could understand...

• 55% say they voted for this guy.
• 45% say they voted for that guy.

It is the specific, exacting and minute detail that I don't understand...

• 42% of the white voters, who went to two years of college, before going on to be left-handed carpenters, voted for this guy.
• 63% of fallen-away Catholics, who have been married three times, where the first and third marriages were to the same person, voted for that guy.
• 54% of those who voted in the 1992 election, but did not vote in the 1996, nor the 2000 election, but returned to the voting booth in the 2004 and, now, voted in this 2008 election, voted for this guy.

Oh well, so much for Secret Balloting.

Would I kid u?

------------------------

Second:

My Fondest Wish

There is no way to fully unite a country as large as the United States but my fondest wish would be that all of us refuse to answer any questions from any political pollster about anything political. This would drive the politicians absolutely nuts. Think of the positive results that would come out of an I-Ain't-Gonna-Tell-You-Anything America...

• It would drive the politicians absolutely nuts.
• It would prevent politicians from tweaking their latest campaign pitch to address how the public reacted to their prior campaign pitch.
• They would be forced to tell us what they really plan to do when elected, instead of telling us what they think we want them to do when elected.
• It would drive the politicians absolutely nuts.
• They would be forced to think out their positions and stick with them and hope for the best.
• It would put every polling company out of business. Since they are only interested in what's best for America (yea, right), they would then be free to join the Peace Corps (if such a thing still exists).
• It would drive the politicians absolutely nuts.

One final tirade ... The silliest one is when we are told the results of a poll done by a Democratic or a Republican Pollster. It is strange how the "results" always come out favoring their party's positions. I guess I could be made to believe that the poll did come out in favor of their party's positions but, you will never get me to believe, that any poll that did not favor their party's positions was just not published at all. It's sort of like them saying, "We are going to keep polling the American People until the American People get it right."

Would I kid u?

Our Poor President

Something has to be done about Presidential Campaigning on the Good Ole USofA. It has really gotten out of hand...

“No rest for the campaign weary: Obama is traveling about 5,300 miles today with attempts to win over voters in Iowa, Colorado, a stop in California to talk to Jay Leno, then a stop in Las Vegas before an overnight trip to Florida.”

It’s those darn Battleground States. Something ought to be done. The Smartfella has a recommendation and he just does not understand how anyone could find fault with his plan.

Battleground States are too far apart! This is causing the candidates to frantically race from one to the other, wasting jet fuel and getting greyer by the minute. Here are the Battleground States...

Virginia, North Carolina, Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, Michigan, Wisconsin, Iowa, Colorado & Nevada

Some of you have already discerned from reading my past blog postings that I am going to propose that the Battleground States move closer to each other. Those that came to this conclusion disappoint me. That would be silly. My recommendation is much more logical.

Up in New England there are lots of smaller states all bunched close together. Whoever is in charge of designating Battleground States ought to name these sates Battleground States. The candidates could put on their wind breakers and go campaigning up that a way.

They would be able to flit around to many states each day, save a lot of our precious energy and could probably do their flitting in shuttle busses borrowed from Concord Municipal Airport.

Sometimes I amaze myself.

Don’t ask me how Jay Leno got into the President’s Battleground Frenzied Dash. California is not a Battleground State. I guess it’s because they are too busy raising taxes on themselves, demonstrating against something or other, surfing and watching fellow Californians move out of the state to pay any attention to national politics.

I may not know how Jay Leno got a visit from the president but, one thing I do know, David Letterman is mad as hell.

Would I kid u?

If Frank Sinatra Would Be Starting Out Today, He Would Be Banned From Altoona and All Places In Between

What a Great Performer! What a Great Singer!

The above praise for Frank Sinatra is acknowledged by almost everyone who ever saw him perform or certainly who ever heard him sing. I am here to contend that, if Frank Sinatra was trying to make it in the world of modern entertainment, he would be protested, boycotted and his career would be over before it began. 

Have I got you interested? Have I got you confused? If you do not see what I am getting at, again you disappoint me. I could just allow you to wallow in your ignorance but that would be cruel and the Smartfella is never cruel.

It’s the lyrics of his songs! In his day his lyrics were catchy, nifty and cool. Today they are not acceptable because they would not be Politically Correct...

Ø The Lady is a Tramp
Need I saw more? This song alone would have allowed us to stick a fork in him because he would have been done!

Ø One for My Baby and One More for the Road
Can’t you just see that scathing headline?... “Skinny newcomer with ambitions to be the next Big Thing was run out of town last night for advocating Drinking and Driving!”

Ø My Mama done told me.
When I was in knee pants.
My Mama done told me, son.
A woman’s a two face.
A worrisome thing who’ll leave you to sing the blues in the night.
What was he thinking? “A woman’s a two face!?” That would never be acceptable today!

Regarding Frank Sinatra’s The Lady is a Tramp lyric... Ole Blue Eyes was known as a tough guy. He took no guff from anyone. Even ole blue eyes, tough guy, no guff Sinatra did concede that he could not fight this battle in his later years. He changed this lyric to The Lady is a Champ. J

Sinatra is gone but all is not lost because we do have Lady Gaga. That is enough of an entertainer for any of us... Or is it?

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

Flag Football Anyone?

As a public service to my dear readers I am stating at the beginning of this Foolishness...Or Is It ... This Is About Football.

If you have no interest in anything that bounces, especially a football, stop reading immediately and go do something really useful like sending out a tweet about that peanut butter and jelly sandwich you are about to eat.

We are a society driven by trends and happenings. A single instance of something can result in massive Regulations and Restrictions and the imposition of fines for violation of the Regulations and Restrictions. Once established, fines go on forever.

Forever is a long time. Many times we even forget what it was that caused the Regulations and Restrictions to be imposed in the first place.

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Hysteria Surrounding Football Injuries

I admit upfront that I do not know how to prevent serious injury in the sport of football. Injury and football go together. If you were to look up “collision” in the dictionary, you will see a little picture of a football right next to it. (Don’t waste your time looking up “collision” in your dictionary. I made this silliness up but, if the little picture were there, it would be there.)

Here is a list of the fines I saw reported in a recent weekend of this current NFL Season...

• Four Helmet To Helmet Contacts Fines.
• A Striking in the Head or Neck Fine.
• A Kicking Fine...
  >Must be for kicking something other than the football. I am almost certain that it is still OK to kick the football...Or is It?
  >“Houston DE Antonio Smith says he was been fined $21,000 for kicking guard Ricjie Incognito, (a member of the Anonymous Family) who was not disciplined.”
  >This shows how all encompassing the NFL’s mania about fining has become. Someone felt obligated to make sure we knew that the person who was kicked was not fined. Are they really considering fining the kickee?
• A Horse Collar Fine.
• A Roughing Fine…
  >Silly me. I thought being kind of rough on the opponent was part of football.
• Two Unnecessary Roughness Fines...
  >Now I am really confused. The fine in the bullet point above was for Roughness. This fine is for Unnecessary Roughness. Does it not seem to you that, if you were rough enough to get a fine for roughness, then it must have been “Unnecessary”?

The Bottom Line is there were $139,125 total fines to 10 players.

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I Feel I must Say More about Helmet To Helmet Contacts...

• Defensive players are fined if they make contact with their helmet on an offensive player’s helmet.
• Players are running, jumping, squirming, dodging, faking, weaving and flying through the air at each other.
• After the defender leaves the ground, the person about to be hit often moves.
• As a result of that movement he just might place his helmet in the flying-through-the-air-path of defensive player’s flying helmet.
• Hey Mr. Commissioner, have you noticed that the offensive player is not stationary?
• Come on, man, he is trying to get away!
• Should he not be fined for trying to get away?
• Should he not be fined for placing his helmet in the path of the defensive player’s helmet?

At an absolute minimum the commissioner should require the running, jumping, squirming, dodging, faking and/or weaving offensive player to stand still so that the defensive player can take proper aim.

If we used to be able to put a man on the moon, we ought to be able to get a football player to stand still...Or ought we?

Would I kid u?

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Lagniappe: If Full Contact Football is replaced by Flag Football, don’t be surprised if the Regulators get to work quickly on changing the game. I can see the first regulation already...

If any player, after having successfully removed the flag from an opponent’s waistband, drops it on the playing field there will be a $95 fine imposed by the Commissioner for Littering.

Gasoline Prices Are Going Down A Little Bit For A Little Bit

It must be very discouraging for anyone who is not me to realize that you are not as observant as I am. Did I spike your interest? Did I get your dander (whatever that is) up? Mission accomplished. That means you are going to continue reading this Foolishness...Or Is It.

Since I am so observant I have taken note of a phenomenon that has been wasting gasoline All Summer Long. Now you are about to know what I know because I am going to tell you what I observed that you did not observe.

Our society is obsessed with an ongoing and growing compulsion to be in constant communication with everyone about everything. Because of this compulsion many of us have taken up the habit of sitting in our cars texting after we arrive at shopping centers before we go in to buy our stuff or as we get ready to leave shopping centers after we have bought our stuff.

Because we are used to constant air conditioned comfort, we have to keep our car Air Conditioning Systems running while we text, tweet or email (email is for those of us who are old fashioned). We are using gasoline but we are not driving anywhere while we use our gasoline.

That, my fellow Americans, is wasteful. That, my fellow Americans, is why the price of gasoline has been going up all summer long.

This is the time of year when it is more pleasant in the parking lots of the Good Ole USofA. Now is the time when we can sit and text, tweet or email and not have to run our air conditioning systems. Now is the time when the price of gasoline can go down.

This situation won’t last long because it is turning colder by the day. It won’t be long before it will be too cold to leave the windows open and the texting people, twits and emailing people will have to turn on their Heating Systems and we will be right back to wasting gasoline again.

This lack of demand for gasoline should cause the price to go down but it probably will not happen. What do you want to bet that the evil people who control the price of our gasoline will get together in their formerly smoke-filled rooms and decide that the dip in demand is so short-lived that they might as well ignore the dip and leave those high gasoline prices up there?

This way they will not have to bother changing the prices outside their gas stations. Since they do not have to change those numbers they will concentrate more on filling our tires, pumping our gas and cleaning off our windshields...Or will they?

Would I kid u?

Is A Pumpkin Emergency An Emergency?

In many parts of the world today people are blowing themselves up so they can blow up those people standing around them. If we could reassemble a bomber’s body parts and interview him, he would probably say that the now dead people that happened to be standing next to him deserve to be blown up because of what their ancestors did to his ancestors back in the year 1156. (More proof that I’m not responsible for all the Foolishness in the world today).

But in the Good Ole USofA we have real problems...

Starbucks is having a very difficult time keeping up with our demand for Pumpkin Spice Lattes!

There you go thinking I made another silly bit of foolishness up but again you are wrong. Actually I am having less and less need to make anything up. The crazy world we live in is sillier than anything the Smartfella could come up with.

Here is the kind of thing that has been happening at Starbucks Locations in recent days...

• A disappointed Latte Seeker left a Starbucks in Manhattan saying he had a bitter taste in his mouth and said he was depressed.
• Baristas are hitting the streets searching for stashes of the Pumpkin Flavored Sauce necessary for Pumpkin Spice Lattes at other Starbucks stores.
• Customers denied their fix are tweeting their dismay.
• A Lexington, KY twit tweeted, “My world almost ended this morning when the local Starbucks told me they were out of Pumpkin Spice Lattes.”
• Back in Manhattan a Barista said her customers have grown emotional on days when she has run out of the Special Pumpkin Sauce. This girl has spunk. She was quoted as saying, “They go crazy. I tell them, you guys do know this is just a drink, right?”
• The desperation is such that many frenzied customers have turned to a powdered version of the latte.
• Stores are now running out of the powdered stuff too and prices are shooting up on the secondary market. An eBay auction has been set up and $6.95 boxes of the powdery blend are selling for $17.
• Some store operators are actually hesitant to get in new product because they fear renewed anger from customers when the limited supplies run out.
• McDonalds has employed a similar limited time marketing strategy with their McRib Sandwich which caused some of their customers to drive as long as 10 hours to hunt them down.
• I’ll finish up these bullets with a quote from a disappointed latte seeker, “A terrible tragedy happened. I placed my order, and the barista informed me that they were out. I was so distraught.”

There are people in our country in real trouble during the dire economic situation we find ourselves in today...Can’t pay their mortgage, Can’t find a job, People are homeless, Gas prices are shooting up, etc.

Contrast the above real problems with the Pumpkin Spice Latte Seekers Imitation Problems as exemplified by the words used in the bullet points above...Disappointed, Bitter Taste, Depressed, Dismay, World Almost Ended, Emotional, Desperation, Frenzied, Prices Shooting Up On Powdery Blend, Renewed Anger, A Terrible Tragedy And Distraught.

I could make their angst all go away with one tidbit of information. There is no actual Pumpkin in a Pumpkin Spice Latte. There is instead a “Pumpkin-Flavored Syrup” which is made up of Natural and Artificial Pumpkin Spice Flavor.

If they knew the true ingredients of a Pumpkin Spice Latte, they would go back to drinking Dr Pepper...Or would they?

Would I kid u?

My Visit To The Beach

I am often asked by people who are contemplating retirement, “What do you do with your time?” I give many different answers because I do many different things.

If I were asked this question today I would probably tell them, “I visit places”. This would be my current answer because I just spent more than a week Visiting The Beach (Panama City Beach, FL).

“My Visit To The Post Office” posting in June 2009 was one of my all time greats. If you care to reminisce with the Smartfella, click on the link below...

http://forii.blogtownhall.com/2009/06/18/my_visit_to_the_post_office.thtml

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As I said, I was at the beach for more than a week. There is no way I can be anywhere for more than a week and not generate a Foolishness...Or Is It?

My Visit to the Beach Observations

• Walking Phones: Only 3 of every 10 women walking along the beach are not talking on their cell phones.
• Bonding While Walking With Phones: I made a big mistake one day. I saw two women walking together and both were talking on their phones. I could not help myself. I rushed up to them and tried to explain that they were losing a great opportunity for solidifying their friendship. Instead of talking to each other they were ignoring each other and talking on their phones. They looked at me with distain and, if looks could kill, I would have been dead. In unison they put me in my place by saying, “We were talking to each other!” As I said, I made a big mistake. I should have known.
• Dolphins Are Smart...Or Are They?: Dolphins are supposed to be very smart. I watched them every day and I now contend they are rather dumb. First they swim to the west and then they swim to the east...All Day Long. It looks to me like they can’t make up their minds. Does that sound smart to you?
• Noah Made 2 Big Mistakes: Being from Louisiana I have often thought ill of Noah for taking those 2 mosquitoes on his boat. Several times during my visit to the beach I again thought ill of the old boy. He should have left those 2 Sand Flies off his boat also.
• Hiding In The Middle Of the Beach: When I was on the beach I liked to smoke Parodis (small, hard, ugly, cheap, Italian cigars). I got way back from the water’s edge in order to minimize the possibility of a law suit. As soon as I lit up people as far away as 75 yards would stand up out of their beach chairs and start sniffing and looking around for the source of the cigar smoke. What really baffled me was this 75 Yard Odor Detection Radius works both downwind and upwind. How is that possible?
• This is intended for the men reading this posting...I’ll Let You Know When All Is Lost: My always observant beach watching eyes are here to tell you that women now have as many tattoos as men do. Women do still have exclusive ownership of those Low Down Center of the Back Right Above the Butt Tattoos. If ever men start getting tattooed in this area, I’ll send an email and let y’all know. When you get that email from me consider yourself officially notified All Is Lost. You can stick a fork in the male of the species because We Are Done.

If you have not had too much of me and my visits, click below and enjoy (?) my Second Visit To The Post Office in July 2010...

http://forii.blogspot.com/2010/07/another-visit-to-post-office.html

Would I kid u?