How To Live Forever

When I was in high school I had One Ball Point Pen at a time. It was a Parker T Ball Jotter. When I lost it, I scraped together $2.59 and bought another pen. I also was mad at myself for being so careless and having to come up with another $2.59. I always pledged I would never lose that new one but many times it just disappeared.

It just dawned on me! Maybe I did not lose it after all. I bet it was stolen by one of my classmates that did not have $2.59. I bet it was Carlo Spariscello!

Oh yea, back to How To Live Forever...

I just took note that I have an unbelievable number of Ball Point Pens all over my house. After I took note, I thought, if I had to use all the ink out of all those pens before I would be allowed to die, I would live a very long time, probably forever.

I went online to www.GodI’mReallyUpHere.sky and looked around at what Longevity Plans were being offered at this time. I found one that suited my interest to a tee. It’s called...

Live Forever Because You Won’t Die Until You Have Used Up All Your Ball Point Pen Ink

I was shocked and quite pleasantly surprised and signed up immediately!

What’s that you are saying? You think I am making this up? I thought I had proven my doubters wrong enough times in my storied past that this would not be happening again. I can hardly believe my dear readers sometimes!

OK, I am going to overlook your disbelief. I have my own incentive for looking the other way. If you go to the web site above and signup for Live Until Your Pens Run Dry Offer, I can have another ball point pen magically appear in one of my many pencil boxes. All you have to do is insert the Offer Code Box “Da Smartfella” and I miraculously get my extra pen. Please remember to put in the Offer Code!!!

After pecking in the 3 Exclamation Points above I took a break and watched the National News for 10 minutes. It only took those 10 minutes to make me change my mind. Please do not put me in that Offer Code Box!!! There is no way I wanna live forever.

I also just threw a whole bunch of pens into our family Goodwill Donations Box.

If you think you still do want to live forever, go right ahead and sign up but, my advice to you is, go watch TV News for 10 minutes before you finalize your decision.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(451)

Kill Everything Else

In July 2011 I wrote about our Fish & Wildlife Service’s plan to save Spotted Owls by shooting the Barred Owl. They called this “onsite lethal removal”. They politically corrected “killing” & “shooting” to make the Dead Barred Owls feel better.

If you want to refresh yourself about my diatribe about Barred & Spotted Owls, click this link... http://forii.blogspot.com/2011/07/once-you-are-declared-endangered-you.html

Well they are at it again. The people who are in charge of protecting creatures out there by killing creatures out there have decided that the Cutthroat Trout need to be protected. Here is the sub headline to an article I read on the subject...

In Bid to Restore Native Cutthroat Trout, Yellowstone National Park Officials Order Fly-Casters to Kill Everything Else They Catch

You are thinking I made this one up, are you not? If you want to read all about it, go the Wall Street Journal October 19/20, 2013 and read the article on page A6.

“Native” is the key word responsible for sending our rangers into such a Kill ‘Em Dead Frenzy. It seems the Rainbow was introduced into Yellowstone in 1889. The Native Cutthroat was already there and the Cutthroat has been miffed ever since.

I guess 124 years is not long enough for the Rainbow Trout to become classified as “native”.

To really appreciate how determined our Park Service is read this quote from the article that has sent the Smartfella into this tirade...

“At Yellowstone Lake, where cutthroats are a key link in the wildlife food chain, biologists have gillnetted hundreds of thousands of non-native lake trout. To clear rivers and streams, biologists are stunning fish with electricity or spraying rotenone, a root-based chemical that asphyxiates fish.”

It is fortunate for the Cutthroat that it is the only fish that has the ability to read so they can read the signs that the rangers have placed in the rivers that warns them not to swim in the areas of the river where the Park Service Rangers are waiting to snare their little gills, shoot them full of unwanted electricity and/or asphyxiate them. The illiterate fish swim right past those signs to their doom.

The Smartfella’s opinion is that the Park Service is making a mistake to put all of its emphasis on killing all those non-native fish. Someone has to step up and address the Fisherman Issue! It is the Fisherman’s desire to catch Rainbow Trout that creates the demand for those little buggers in the first place.

They also create a multi-million dollar industry because they descend on Yellowstone staying in hotels and eating in restaurants. They also waste a lot of their children’s inheritance by purchasing all those off-road vehicles, fishing tackle, boats, clothing, little fly thingies, rods and reels, cigars and funny looking hats.

There is a lot of money pumped into the Yellowstone Economy by all of what is talked about in the above paragraph. We can’t have that, can we?

What is the solution? You all know what the solution is but you are too Politically Correct to come out and say it. The Smartfella is not PC. I say Shoot The Fisherman and return Yellowstone to its Native Pristine State.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(540)

Someone Has To Be Held To Account!

It now seems that anytime anything bad happens we are looking for someone to blame before the smoke clears...

• D.C. Naval Base Killings: There have been questions raised about the D.C. Naval Base Killings. The Talking Heads are talking their heads about whose fault it was that so many people were killed.

Silly me, I thought it was that Bad Guy with a Gun that was responsible for so many people being killed.

• 19 Forest Fire Firefighters Killed: On this past June 30, 19 firefighters were killed fighting a major forest fire in Arizona. Forest fires are dangerous and unpredictable. The people that fight such fires are paid extra for what they do because we recognize that Forest fires are dangerous and unpredictable.

Now there is an investigation going on to find out who was responsible for their deaths. I’ve heard it said on TV recently, “Questions have been raised about who made the decision that put those 19 firefighters in danger”.

The Smartfella knows how to keep the firefighters out of danger. Simply say to them, “Fellas, there is an awful big fire raging in Northern California. To be on the safe side, I recommend that you go fight this Northern California Fire in Southeastern Arizona”.

• Healthcare.gov Rollout: The number of people who are pointing fingers at other people about this one is hard to count.

I tried to go to the site just now and I was greeted by this message: “Sorry, Bad Request.” Must be my fault. I must not know how to spell HealthCare.gov.

The Smartfella was paid extra during his time in Vietnam. His country said to him, “Fella, we know what you do is dangerous. We are willing to give you Extra Pay because we appreciate that danger. Here, take this $50 a month extra as Combat Pay and, if you remember to duck this month, we will give you more big bucks next month”.

Come to think of it, if I had stayed in Vietnam, I could have racked in $28,800 plus interest by now in Combat Pay.

In some of my Blog Postings I claim that I can see into the future. This proves I really can’t because, if I could, I would have seen that $28,800 plus interest in my future and I would have stayed put and kept ducking for the last 48 years.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(414)

Why Do We Invent Crimes?

That recently resigned mayor who was forced out of office because he had a tendency to Grab/Pinch/Kiss any woman within reach is getting a raw deal.

Hold on a minute. Don’t start pecking out a comment or an email or placing a call to the Smartfella on the phone to set him straight. The “raw deal” reference above is defensible but it is hard to see because it is surrounded by foolishness. Please allow me to explain...

The once mayor knows when the jig is up (whatever that means). He figured out that he was in Deep Do Do, resigned and pleaded guilty to Felony False Imprisonment and two Misdemeanor Counts of Battery.

The two Misdemeanor Counts of Battery stem from Kissing or Groping two different women. That will teach him!

Where I start quibbling with what is happening to him is the False Imprisonment Charge...

• Did he lock some women up in his basement when they did not ask to be locked up in his basement?
• Did he throw them into the trunk of his car with his golf clubs?
• Did he put a chair up against the door knob of the exit door from the ladies room late on Friday afternoon and force them to sit in there all weekend?

No, he did not do any of these awful things. Here is what he did...

The False Imprisonment Charge stems from putting a female co-worker in a headlock.

The article did not say how long he had “imprisoned” her in his lock. I will concede that this is not the proper thing to do to a female co-worker but, I ask you, is this really “imprisonment” in the strictest sense of the word?

I will further concede that, if he had locked her head and kept her locked head in there for a weekend that would be “imprisonment”. If he did such a dastardly thing he should get his just deserts (whatever that means).

I have an idea. Why not charge him with something more to the point like...

Putting a Female Co-Worker in a Headlock?

If the Smartfella made any money off of his blog, he might be able to hire some of the Charge Inventors away from our Judicial System to come up with Silliness for my blog.

They could then feed me Silly for my Foolishness.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(405)

Look Down ... There Is Gold Down There

I guess it is OK that I don’t know who Gene Simmons is because I’m fairly certain that he does not know who the Smartfella is.
However, in order to trick you into thinking I am hip, I Googled Mr. Simmons. I am even going to put his picture in this blog so you will not embarrass yourself by emailing me and asking who he is...

That’s him. As you can see, he is one of those KISS singer guys. Don’t be afraid those horns are not part of his anatomy. They are sewed on... Or are they?
I am now finally going to get around to telling you about how you could be rich if you were a Gene Simmons or another Adored Hollywood Celebrity of equal notoriety.
It seems Gene Simmons has auctioned off a piece of Already Been Chewed Chewing Gum he had personally already chewed. He auctioned it off on Sky TV’s “Soccer Am” (whatever that is) for $245,602.
He is giving this ridiculous amount of money for his chewed chewing gum to Charity. He is such a good guy that he is not enriching himself off the stupidity of someone with fewer brains than his chewed gum.
My sources in Hollywood tell me that a passel of Hollywood Celebs have taken note of what Gene Simmons did and they are all chewing up a storm. The big difference is these are not charitable chew ventures on their part. They are in it for the money!
However, the real money maker in this phenomenon is not chewing gum. Several celebs have figured out that chewed chewing gum can be produced fairly rapidly and over supply will bring down its value. However, Belly Button Lint is slow to accumulate, is more scarce and this is where the big bucks are going to be made in the future.
The smart ones are not those that are digging in their belly buttons immediately upon realizing that there is gold down there. The ones that allow their lint to accumulate to Commercial Grade are the ones that will score big.
My dear readers, I know there are some (many) of you who think I made this whole thing up. To those I say...

You just wait. A couple of years from now there will be a Celeb Belly Button Buying Frenzy that you won’t believe!

When that comes to pass, I will expect a formal email or tweet of apology from each of you Fella Doubters.
Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(430)

Wal-Mart Haters Take Note Because There Is Hope For The Future

The beginning of this Foolishness...Or Is It? is not about Wal-Mart but it is about the precursor to Wal-Mart the Great Atlantic & Pacific Tea Company (A&P)...

• A federal judge in Woodrow Wilson's day deemed A&P a "monopolist".
• A prosecutor in Franklin Roosevelt's administration called A&P a "giant blood sucker".
• Another federal judge, during Harry Truman's presidency, convicted A&P of violating antitrust law.
• The federal government investigated A&P almost continuously for a quarter of a century.
• More than half the states tried to tax A&P out of business.

Yes, for its marketing strategy of Selling Groceries Cheaply, A&P has paid a very heavy price.

Today, long after its birth near the docks of lower Manhattan, the Great A&P is reaching the end. It has filed for Chapter 11 and is seeking a buyer but no one is stepping up to buy it.

A&P once was once the most controversial company in the country and the center of a struggle over the very nature of American Capitalism.

Since you are reading this on a Word Processor, rewrite the above sentence and Word Process it into... “Wal-Mart is the most controversial company in the country and is the center of a struggle over the very nature of American Capitalism”.

The Smartfella enjoys Wal-Mart. He enjoys walking around a Wal-Mart amongst all the people who are glad that Wal-Mart is there for them to save money. They need to Buy for Less because they don’t make a lot of money while the people who are engaged in their never ending attack on Wal-Mart enjoy walking around those other more expensive stores and Buying for More.

All of you Wal-Mart Haters now have reason to cheer because A&P is about done for...

• The good news for you is Wal-Mart is very likely going to follow A&P into bankruptcy some day.
• The bad news for you is A&P started in 1849.
• The other bad news for you is Wal-Mart started in 1962.
• The other other bad news is Wal-Mart has only been around 51 years and, based on the A&P Longevity Model, it will be another 113 years before y’all will be able to say this about Wal-Mart, “See, I told you it was going to go out of business”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(401)

Don’t You Dare Say Our Federal Government Cannot Do Three Things At The Same Time!

Yesterday our beloved Federal Government resolved three biggies on the same day…

• It resolved the Federal Government Shutdown.
• It resolved the latest Debt Limit Silliness by Kicking the Can Down the Road. Actually my use of “resolved” is not a proper use of the word “resolved”. Their kick only nicked the ole can because the ole can only went a short distance down the ole road.
• It resolved the SEC’s five year old attack on Mark Cuban by finding ole Mark NOT GUILTY.

I attacked the SEC’s attack on Mr. Cuban in my blog posting on 3/29/13. Click below to enjoy (I hope) my silliness all over again…

http://forii.blogspot.com/2013/03/this-is-not-written-in-defense-of.html

Since this is the bottom of this one, I will peck out The Bottom Line…

If the SEC is going to spend five years attacking one of us, they ought to be required by Federal Law to have a case against that particular one of us.

Where does Mr. Cuban go to get the five years of Big Bucks he spent defending himself?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(196)

The Yahoo! That Would Be Heard Round The World

Today it appears that the Latest Fiscal Crisis is resolved...

Or has it just been kicked down the road a bit?

Several times (including in this morning’s newspaper) I have read speculation that John Boehner’s job as Speaker of the House was in jeopardy.

The Smartfella thinks that, if John Boehner did lose his job, he just might give out the loudest Yahoo! heard in Washington, D.C. is quite some time.

Actually, if he did not display sheer delight in being given the boot, he ought to use his considerable Congressional Health Plan Benefits to have his own head examined.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(115)

It’s Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature ... Or The Police

In my newspaper I am told that one of our local police departments conducted an Eight and a Half Hour Swat Standoff Operation with an unusual outcome. Allow me to explain...

• The bad guy ran back into the Standoff House before the police arrived.
• The SWAT Team was called in to augment the police.
• All outside the Standoff House stood around crouching behind things and shouting through bullhorns at the Standoff House from 10pm until 6:30am.
• The bad guy talked to the SWAT Team members on their respective phones several times during the night.
• A robot was sent in to search the Standoff House for the bad guy.
• Later officers stormed the Standoff House to get the bad guy.

It was finally determined that the bad guy was not in the Standoff House.

At 7:15am the bad guy came back to the Standoff House which he was not in and all those crawling, shouting, crouching and gun totting SWAT Team members were really mad at him!

A SWAT Team member is quoted as saying that the Bad Guy must have exited the house unseen when officers initially arrived on the scene. The Smartfella has this to say about that, “No s**t, Sherlock!”

To show their displeasure the Bad Guy was charged with Aggravated Assault, Possession of a Firearm by a Felon and Simple Battery.

The Smartfella believes these are trumped up charges. The Bad Guy’s real crime was Making Officers of the Law Look Silly for 510 Minutes.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(271)

There Is No There In There

Today I opened a box of delicious chocolate chip cookies. I only said “delicious” but I should have said delicious looking because the picture of the cookies on the box was delicious looking but there were no cookies in the box... Or were there?

Being the curious type I immediately became curious about why there were no cookies in my box after I spent my hard earned money for Delicious Looking Chocolate Chip Cookies. This is what the cookies contained based on what I read off the side of my box...

• No Trans Fats
• No Gluten
• No Milk
• No Peanuts
• No Tree Nuts
• No Cholesterol
• No Eggs

To be honest with you, I was surprised the list did not say, “No Do-Nut Holes”.

As it turns out, my cookies were actually in my box but my cookies were invisible because there was nothing in them.

I Googled, “How to hold invisible cookies” and figured out how to hold them so I could eat them.

I thought they were good but there was something missing. They definitely needed more Fat Content.

Everyone knows we need fat in out diet because fat lubricates our joints.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(212)

Want To Worry? ... Read Your Newspaper!

Actually it started last month and now it is again that hallowed time of the year. It's the time we all look forward to every year with such great anticipation...

It's time to start worrying about the Christmas Shopping Season.

Did you notice how your blood pressure started to rise as you read “Christmas Shopping Season”? It is quite possible your ears actually moved at the tantalizing news that jumped into your brain through your ear holes.

The bad news is they started demanding that we worry about the Christmas Shopping Season on September 17. This is rather early, is it not? I find that quite depressing and distracting because I have my own Worry Agenda that I prefer to concern myself with...

• Football games.
• Those big wasps like bugs that are digging all those holes in my lawn and dragging cicadas in and munching on them.
• Why it is I keep installing computer thingies into my computer that say they can be set up in “Three Easy Steps” but don’t install in three easy steps? What I really worry about is why I continue to believe they will install in three easy steps. Will I ever learn? What’s wrong with me? Am I starting to lose it?

In case you missed the article itself, here is the opening paragraph of the Christmas Worry Season Article in my newspaper...

“An early forecast predicts the holiday-shopping season will be the worse since 2009.”

Then only two paragraphs later I am told that my worrying about what the first paragraph told me to worry about may be unnecessary worry...

“Early forecasts are often well off the mark.”

That does it! I am swearing off things that I am told I should worry about. I am going back to my own personal worry stuff (football, cicadas being munched on under my lawn and computer installation lying).

There I feel better... Or do I?

We all know that worry can ward off future dire consequences... Or does it?

Now I am worried that if I don’t worry about things that I should worry about will it result in awful dire consequences?

Boy I am glad this bit of Foolishness is over! Now where was I? I must have been doing something important... Or was I?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(397)

There Are A Whole Bunch Of Them Somewhere Out There

The quantity of those people running around our country who were once called Illegal Aliens is an ever changing number, but according to our crack news media, no matter how often the number changes it is always the same number it was before it changed.

For many years now there have been 11,000,000 of them out there…

• We don’t know where they are but we know there are 11,000,000 of them here.
• We don’t know when they got here but we know there are 11,000,000 of them here.
• We don’t know for sure how they got here but we know there are 11,000,000 of them here.
• We don’t know how they keep getting here but we know there are 11,000,000 of them here.
• Periodically we hear that a bunch of them went back. How do we know that if we don’t know where they are or how they got here or how they got back? What we do know is, after a bunch of them went back, there were 11,000,000 of them still here.
• Periodically we are told more came in from somewhere and are living someplace in the Good Ole USofA and, as a result of more coming in, we know that there are 11,000,000 of them here now.

There are times when I begin to doubt that everything our news media tells us is factual but then a Member of Congress stands up and says that there are 11,000,000 of them out there somewhere and I know for sure that there are 11,000,000 of them somewhere out there... Or are there?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(285)

BuzzNet Tags: 11 Million,Illegal Aliens

I Am Now Financially Set For Life

Opportunity knocks at the most unexpected times. Thankfully I was ready for it and I have taken action to set myself up financially for life.

This stroke of genius has taken a huge worry from my mind. I had been counting on the proceeds from the sale of my book to take care of me in my fast approaching golden years but my mind is not yet so golden that I could not see that that plan was in jeopardy.

I have set up a company called, Monuments Up Close. Out of my garage at this moment are flowing a line of products that will revolutionize Washington D.C. national monument viewing in Shut Down America.

Since our Federal Government has determined that during the Shut Down we are not allowed to get close to the Washington D.C. Monuments, I am making it possible to get close without getting close. (All of the parts of all of the packages below will be painted Red White & Blue, of course)...

• Bronze Package...A set of Binoculars or one of those Zoomies Binocular Eyeglasses advertised on TV for seeing our beloved monuments over the top of the barricades.
• Silver Package...Includes the Bronze Package but adds one of those 3 Step Folding Ladders from Home Depot to allow the Silver Package owner to see over those cheap people who only bought Bronze Packages.
• Gold Package...Includes the Bronze and Silver package but adds a Turntable that revolves 360 degrees so the Gold Package Owner can see the full panorama of our nation’s capital. The turntable will make a complete revolution in exactly 13 minutes in honor of the 13 original colonies.
• Platinum Package... Includes the Bronze, Silver and Gold Package but adds a Sound System that will play a continuous loop of John Philip Sousa Music.

The only thing that could put a damper on my plan for a comfortable retirement is if the Federal Government Shutdown came to a quick end.

When I look at the makeup of the Rulers who are presently ruling us I am confident that the end will not be quickly forthcoming and my retirement financial security is assured.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(375)

43 Things Tags: Government Shut Down,Monuments

The Consequences Of Losing Your Temper Have Become Dire

My newspaper tells me that a country singer who I have never heard of is in deep trouble for getting mad. To make his situation worse, he dared to get mad at an old person. Allow me to explain...

• The ill tempered Country Singer has a home on the water.
• A 70 year old Charter Boat Captain makes a habit of chartering his charter boat past the Country Singer’s home on the water.
• As he goes by he makes his chartered passengers aware of the famous Country Singers place of residence.
• It has been reported that the Charter Boat Captain has been known to point his finger at the Country Singer’s abode.
• The Country Singer did not like the passing and pointing so he shouted at the Charter Boat Captain and his Boat and his Passengers as they floated by.

The problem with floating by an Country Singer’s home and making him an Irate Country Singer is you have to pass back by the Irate Country Singer’s home to get back to where you dock your boat.

This is the point where the plot thickened...

• The Irate Country Singer got in his boat and followed the Pointing Charter Boat Captain back to his docking place.
• Once at the docking place the Irate Country Singer shouted at the Charter Boat Captain and threatened to punch him in his old nose (remember his nose was 70 years old).

This is the end of my story about the Charter Boat Captain and the Irate Country Singer... Or is it?

Charges have been brought against the Irate Country Singer. Can you guess what charges have been brought? ... Being a Meanie? ... Threatening? ... Shouting? ... Following?

The Irate Country Singer has been charged with...

Making Terroristic Threats & Abuse of an Elderly Person

Regarding the first charge, Making Terroristic Threats: Does it not seem that the word “terroristic” is thrown around an awful lot these days? Is “terroristic” even a word? What is the difference between threatening to punch a person in the nose and threatening to punch a person in the nose terroristicly? Is “terroristicly” a word? If it’s not, it will be shortly. That’s progress.

Regarding the second charge, Abuse of an Elderly Person: Is shouting at a young person less of an offense than shouting at an elderly person? If so, there ought to be a Federal Law requiring all of us to wear baseball caps that prominently display for all potential shouters exactly what our ages are. That way, when we start to lose it, we can be forewarned that we may be about to commit a really serious crime.

I am not sure just how much trouble our Irate Country Singer is in but I sure hope he is not in as much trouble as that woman who has been sentenced to 20 Years in Prison for Firing a Warning Shot.

There you go again. You are thinking I made up the Firing a Warning Shot Silliness. If you really think I made this one up, Google It!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(531)

IceRocket Tags: Elderly People,Terroristic Threats,Terroristic,Criminal Charges