Another Sure Fire Get Rich Quick Plan

Retroactive to last Thursday and continuing for two weeks, get someone to pay you $0.25 every time the word “Christie” was/will be Spoken on TV, Published in a News Article or Mentioned on the Internet.

You will be stinking rich at the end of these two weeks even if you subtract $1.00 for each time the most Recent Target Word at the center of the last News Hysteria to which we were subjected was Spoken, Published or Mentioned.

I would give you that Target Word to prove my point but I can’t remember the Hysteria or the Word. I would be willing to bet you can’t remember either.

Does that tell you something?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(126)

My Visit To A Big Box Hardware Store

Where Did That Guy Go?

The other day I walked into one of those big box hardware stores and, as usual, was greeted at the door by a smiling welcoming man wearing an apron. He was very nice. He said hello. He asked if there were any directions he could give me.

I declined his helpful offer and walked past him. After I got 5 to 6 steps past the helpful apron guy I remembered what I had come into his store for and realized that I did need his helpful directions. I turned around to seek his assistance and he was gone.

I thought this was strange and I actually began to feel as if I was in the Twilight Zone. I brushed this uneasy feeling away and moved on with my quest.

After a while I realized I was not getting anywhere and I started looking for a helpful guy with an apron on to assist me.

I went to the next aisle and, as I turned into the aisle, I saw at the end of the aisle a helpful guy turning out of my aisle at the end of my aisle.

This happened several times more before I got that Twilight Zone feeling again.

Every aisle I turned into I saw the apron guy turning out of that aisle at the end of that aisle. At this point I started to panic.

I began sprinting as fast as I could but when I got to the end of the aisle and made the turn into the next aisle I repeatedly found myself looking at the back of a turning helpful apron guy at the end of my aisle.

In a state of exhaustion I stumbled out of my Big Box Hardware Store feeling rather befuddled.

I decided to go to Mom & Pop’s Hardware Store to get what I needed but when I got to their store I found they gone out of business.

At this point I just sat in my car screaming a silent scream like Al Pacino did on the steps of that Big Box Church at the end of Godfather III and, in the midst of my silent scream, I heard Rod Serling laughing.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(385)

Please, Mr. Correct, Give Us A Break!

This guy Mr. Correct (as in Mr. Politically Correct) is running amuck. (I just love the word “amuck”. It is almost as neat as “ilk”.)

We (the collective us) are falling all over ourselves trying to keep Mr. Correct and all his adherents at arm’s length. We are apologizing for things we said, for things we did not say, for things we should have said and for things we might have said had we said them.

There you go thinking I am the one running amuck about Mr. Correct and his muckiness. Allow me to illustrate my point:

The Indian Attacks Are Back...

No, we do not have to circle the wagons. It’s not that kind of attack. We are back to being pilloried about the perceived disrespect of naming anything after anything Native American (formerly known as American Indian).

The hottest example at this time is the Washington Redskins Football Team (as if they did not have enough problems with the football). The hysteria is showing its absurdity by a court case brought against Hampton Farms Redskin Peanuts.

This case got all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States before the indignant clutch of lawyers doing the suing were quieted down long enough to explain to them that “redskins” in this case referred to the natural skin covering of the peanut that is revealed once the shell has been removed.

The delay in the hysteria was only temporary. The lawyers and the sign carriers quickly convened a Focus Group and they are now finalizing their plans to sue Mother Nature or God Himself.

People of this ilk (see I told you “ilk” was neat) like to go right to the top and are leaning toward suing God. The one thing holding them back is their concern that God might not exist. They see Mother Nature as more of a sure thing.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Happy New Year

I Would Not Want To Be This Guy

(I have been prodded to publish today by a dear reader who I have caused to have withdrawal pains because of my inactivity... “Starting to worry about you with no foolishness for so long but even Matthew, Mark, Luke & John took breaks”.)

The Federal Government has finally admitted that the Federal Government is not as Efficient as the Private Sector.

It is hard to believe that our rulers let this one slip. I wonder if the minion who actually wrote the words admitting this undeniable truth likes his new bleak musty windowless surroundings.

That sucker is now so far underground that, when the bad guys blow everything up, his treasured William Shakespeare Bobble Head Doll, which always sits on his desk, will not bob its little head in the slightest.

 

This is what was reported in the Wall Street Journal on Monday December 2, 2013...

• Health & Human Services had released an 8 page report claiming that it had met its promise to fix the HealthCare.gov Web Site by 11/30/13.
• There is a line in the report that boasted, “The team is operating with private sector velocity and effectiveness”.

There you have it! Our beloved Federal Government has finally admitted that the Private Sector is better than the Public Sector.

This awesome admission was followed by the chirping of crickets as no one noticed but the Smartfella and you... Or did you?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Giving North Korea Credit Where Credit Is Due

The little round leader of North Korea had an Uncle that was his closest confidant. “Had” is the operative word. Uncle was in good shape on December 8 but on December 9 he was dragged from his seat at a big meeting and 4 days later he was executed.

Don’t you see what I admire about North Korea? Do you not remember any of my diatribes about Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied?

There is no such thing as Delayed Justice in North Korea. There may be a question about Justice but, you must admit, there is no feet dragging in their courtrooms.

Those guys get right to the heart of the matter... They find some Irrefutable Evidence or Trump Up some Charges based on Flimsy Innuendos or Hearsay and it’s off with that offending head 4 days later!

This uncle guy was accused lots of things. Some of his transgressions included Womanizing, Drug Use, Gambling, Eating at Expensive Restaurants and Undergoing Medical Treatment in a Foreign Country. It’s that “Eating in Expensive Restaurants” that really cooked his goose.

In the Good Ole USofA we are more deliberate...

An accused dastardly fellow kills a whole bunch of people, with a whole bunch of people watching it happen live, while millions of other people watch it on television live, after writing a note and leaving it in the well of the U.S. Senate in a mayonnaise jar saying that he was going to kill a whole bunch of people with a whole bunch of people watching it live and intending to have millions more watching it live on television.

We take a little more than 4 days to clean up these matters. We spend 18 years trying and retrying and appealing and sentencing and staying only to decide that the accused suspected killer has suffered enough because we spent all of 18 years trying and retrying and appealing and sentencing and staying.

It is at this point that we come to the realization that both the Judicial System and the Once Dastardly Fellow can’t remember what the original crime was so we let him go on his own recognizance.

The following week the Once Dastardly Fellow and his team of lawyers sue the Judicial System of the Good Ole USofA for Delayed Justice.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

No S__t Sherlock

I did not make this up...

An official said after that student shot another student and then killed himself inside Arapahoe High School in Centennial, Colorado on December 13, 2013, “We believe, based on the fact that he was armed with multiple rounds, armed with a machete and armed with three incendiary devices, his intent was evil.”

I agree with that official’s official words.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Smartfella Has The Day Off ... This Posting Is Being Sent To You By Seriousfella

A friend sent me a link which he prefaced by saying something like...

You have probably seen this before but it is worth another look.

My first thought was...

Why do people send links they know we have seen before? Don’t they know we are covered up with emails, tweets, facebookings and threatening letters from our federal government telling us we did something we should not have done or we should have done something we did not do?

The link he sent was the one all of us have probably seen before about Bob Hope’s many Christmas Shows entertaining our troops all over the world. (The link is at the end of this blog posting.)

Here Comes The Serious Part...

It’s about the difference between Now & Back Then. The clip says Bob Hope used to walk into hospital wards full of gravely wounded military personal from all branches of our military and announce, “Don't get up”.

It was funny. The wounded laughed. Everyone laughed.

Today anyone who did this would be crucified by our beloved politically correct news media. That night on the nightly news Ole Bob would have been First Up with a lead in like, Shocking News Alert! or This Just In! or Breaking News!

As for me, Seriousfella thinks that Congress should not have let Bob Hope die because he stood up for our troops for decades.

We used to know how to laugh.

Would I kid u?

Seriousfella

Lagniappe: I hope someone sends me the opportunity to look at this clip every Christmas from now on...

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/02/bob-hope-christmas/

Good News: Budget Negotiators Are Making Progress … Bad News: Budget Negotiators Are Making Progress

My newspaper tells me that Patty Murray & Paul Ryan are “Moving Closer” to a Two-Year Budget Deal that would head off another Government Shutdown.

My newspaper was actually quivering with excitement as I read the article.

This is not good news in all circles of the Good Ole USofA. My sources have told me that it is devastating news to our National News Media. I have it on reliable sources that there is downright panic in the offices of every major news organization out there. Here are a few examples of the doom and gloom conversations taking place around the water coolers in Big Media Offices...

• What are we going to do for news?
• Do you realize how much angst we would be able to create if we were permitted to wreak the havoc we wreaked every time in the last 7 years that this type of deadline was approaching?
• The worst part is these two mental midgets are talking about coming to a Two Year Agreement. That means we will not be able to cause the folks back home to panic next year either! That’s unconscionable! That’s un-American! There ought to be a law about the laws this 9% approval rated congress is allowed to pass!
• I have been furiously writing End of the World and End of the Good Ole USofA articles at a feverish pitch and now these articles are going to be useless (actually he was taking the same such articles from the last panic and changing the publication dates).
• I had hopes that the timing of this coming budget showdown was going to be so strong that the folks back home would have completely ignored the Super Bowl. That truly would have been a feather in our cap! Can you just imagine the damage to the economy we would have generated if we could have caused the Super Bowl Stadium to be empty for the big game!

The Smartfella has this to say to our panic stricken news media...

Calm down. Remember that Murray and Ryan are members of a 9% approval rated congress. What are the chances that they will agree on anything constructive? It’s all going to be OK.

...Or is it?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(395)

Judge Houston, We Have An Eyewitness Who Saw The Whole Crime Being Committed From Start To Finish, But We Have A Problem

This scenario has not happened yet but it is only a matter of time before it will be reality. Because you have the good fortune of being an enlightened reader of Foolishness...Or Is It?, you are privy to the sad future that awaits us.
Please allow me to set the scene...

• We are in a court of law in the Good Ole USofA in the not too distant future.
• The trial in process involves a case of a very gruesome alleged murdered victim which has been capturing headlines for many months.
• The alleged murderer of the alleged murdered victim has been arrested and is standing trial before a jury of his peers.
• An eyewitness who saw the alleged murder of the alleged victim from his first floor bedroom window just 10 yards from where the alleged murderer is alleged to have done his alleged murdering has just been called to the stand and has been duly sworn in.

This is the point in the proceedings where strange things start happening. The eye witness is asked a series of questions. The eyewitness makes no attempt to answer any of the questions put to him. He is very attentive to the prosecuting attorney but remains completely unresponsive.
Judge Houston steps in and summons the two attorneys to the bench and explains to the prosecuting attorney the reality of modern societal evolution in present day Good Ole USofA...

Henry, you are wasting your time asking verbal questions of the witness. You witness does not talk. He only texts. He is not being obstinate. He really is a cooperative witness. He simply has forgotten how to communicate verbally.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(309)

The Obvious Way To Control Global Warming

This is such a logical fix for Global Warming, Global Climate Change or whatever it is being called today...

1. Recall all Thermometers.

2. Our Congress then should pass a law requiring all Thermometers sold in the future only go up to 92 degrees.

That ought to do it.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(62)

It Seems To Me That I have To Make Up Less & Less

The complete sentence represented by the above subject is...

Its Seems To Me That I Have To Make Up Less & Less Silliness In Order To Write About My Foolishness

I read recently where there is a whole bunch of legal maneuverings, protests and appeals of prior court rulings because the FDA has not yet conclusively ruled whether or not the new compounds used for Criminal Executions are safe to kill people.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(91)

Shouting At My Car’s Radio

Back in my youth (when I was swashbuckling) while I was in the U.S. Army’s Flight School and I was told...

Flying Is Hour Upon Hour of Sheer Boredom ... Punctuated Intermittently By Moments of Stark Terror

I never experienced the boredom part but can personally testify to the stark terror part.

Yesterday I drove 10 hours to get home from my 103 year old aunt’s funeral. Here is what I intermittently experienced during the drive...

Hour Upon Hour Of Sheer Boredom ... Punctuated Intermittently By Episodes of My Having To Shout At My Car’s Radio

In June 2007 I tried to fix a problem in our society but during my boring drive I found out that my fix did not fix anything.

Several times I found myself shouting at my radio because one of the best holidays we have in the Good Ole USofA was repeatedly referred to as Turkey Day by my radio.

Sometimes I think no one out there listening to me but that could not be... Or could it?

Please click here: http://forii.blogspot.com/2007/06/pet-peeves.html

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(188)

There Must Be A Better Word

A headline in my local newspaper today 11/22/13...

Dallas prepares for JFK Anniversary

I realize that, in the strictest sense of the word, “anniversary” fits...

“An anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the same date of the year as the initial event.”

The Smartfella thinks (there I go again) that we ought to be able to find a better word. He does not see evil intent in calling JFK’s Assassination an Anniversary but Anniversary sounds more like a celebration than a commemoration.

I’m not celebrating today.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(106)

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

George Washington Ain’t Worth Much

If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question. That is why I’m not going to email every person in the Good Ole USofA to find out how many of them know who George Washington was. I don’t want to know the answer.

It is sad that my fellow Americans might not know who Ole George was. It is even sadder to contemplate how many of them might think he was related to George Brett or George Harrison or George Clooney or George of the Jungle.

Remember a few blog posting back when I told you about how Already Been Chewed Chewing Gum Chewed by Gene Simmons had been auctioned off for $246,602? It is now obvious that Ole George can’t hold a candle to Mr. Simmons.

Christie’s Auction House just offered a rare document signed by George Washington Proclaiming Thanksgiving a National Holiday and no bid was offered for this awesome piece of history.

As I said in the Subject above... George Washington Ain’t Worth Much.

On the other hand, if Curious George had chewed and spit out a piece of Thanksgiving Turkey Meat and Christie’s had offered it for auction, that once juicy morsel would have caused quite a bidding frenzy.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: If you want to again enjoy (I hope) what I had to say about Mr. Simmons and his Chewed Chewing Gum, click the link below:

http://forii.blogspot.com/2013/10/look-down-there-is-gold-down-there.html

(245)

It Would Be An Endangered Species, If It Were A Species

There was a time in the not too distant past where people took the time to Stare...

• After signing in to a doctor’s office we sat down with a Worried Stare.
• After signing into the DMV we sat down with an I’m Never Going to Get out Of Here Stare.
• As the passenger in an automotive vehicle we Stared at the Road. (Actually I wish drivers would return to staring at the road.)

How things have changed. With very few exceptions we no longer stare at anything. We now pull out an electronic device and we peck away in our own private World of Distraction.
If Staring were a species it would be on the verge of being placed on the Endangered Species List. Actually it will probably never make the list. It is going to go direct to the Extinct Species List in the not too distant future.

------------------------

There is a good kind of Staring that appears to be alive and well. Have you ever noticed how parents Stare at their babies? At some point the babies probably start thinking about why those people who are constantly staring at them are not pecking at their devices.

------------------------

As the economist said after giving sound economic advice about a sound economic course of action, “On the Other Hand”...
On the other hand, pecking at a device just might be a form of Staring. I came to this realization while I was in church recently.
Sister Mary Grinyon taught us that is was a Mortal Sin to not go to church on Sunday.
I certainly understand that Mortal Sins were placed on the Extinct List years ago but there were 3 children in the foyer of our church that would have been on the precipice of an Awful Mortal back in the old days.
I had occasion to be in the foyer of church for an extended period waiting for someone. Please understand that the foyer is a long way from what is going on in the church itself. The whole time I was back there these little “worshipers” in the picture below were curled up in three easy chairs staring at and pecking at their smart phones...

When their parents returned from their weekend trip to the mountains and asked if they had gone to church, their children would have looked them straight in their adoring eyes and said, “Yes we did”. Their parents would certainly be proud and content in the knowledge that their little darlings were growing into the strong Catholics that they had always hoped they would be.
Parents are easily fooled but Sister Mary Grinyon would have known the truth (she always did).
If these 3 “churchgoers” were all killed in the same car wreck, they better hope their lawyer was in that car with them. That way, when they got the Pearly Gates, he will be there in order to argue their case for immediate entrance and get them into heaven on a technicality...

Your Honor, it’s Peter, is it not?, my 3 clients were in church. If they were not there, they would not have been there but they were physically not present so they were technically there. Open up!

Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(556)

Senators Worried About Re-Election

Those of you who are against Obamacare are tickled pink that a bunch of Democrat Senators are fighting President Obama about his signature legislation. You feel this is real neat. You see light at the end of the tunnel for your hopes to see Obamacare stopped!...

You are not very good at seeing the whole picture, are you?

Have you taken note that this bunch of senators is up for re-election and that’s why they are getting “brave”?

Do you think it just an accident that the people lining up against the president are all up for re-election?

What’s that you said? Did I hear you really say, “Yes, Smartfella, I think it is an accident”? Well, as I said above...

You are not very good at seeing the whole picture, are you?

It is no accident. It’s entirely predictable. Our Congress is all too often (always?) looking out for itself and this is all too sad.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: If you have not had enough of me for today, go to the link below and see how I touched on this subject in a slightly different way in January ‘10...

http://forii.blogspot.com/search?q=election+year

Going Out On A Limb About What “They” Are Telling Us ... Again

The Lanternfish is a very small glow in the dark organism with huge eyes that is making news because it eats tons of Ocean Plastic. The Smartfella thanks these little fish for being Ocean Litterbugs but he also quibbles with the number of them we are told are out there gobbling up that awful plastic.

I read that there are 660 Million Tons of Lanternfish. Ever skeptical the Smartfella asks, “How do “they” know there are more than 659 Million Tons of Lanterfish?”

Then there is the question of the reported capacity of the stomachs of these 660 million Tons of Lanternfish? “They” estimate that the Lanternfish have eaten 970,000 Metric Tons of plastic. I find this hard to believe also. Even if it is true, how do “they” know the amount eaten is 970,000 Metric Tons? Golly gee, these little fish only grow to a length of up to 6 inches!

On the other hand, 660 million tons of anything could probably accomplish amazing feats of whatever they set their minds to feating about.

Next thing we are going to be told that these little fish glow in the dark by producing light that is given off by tiny organs known as photophores which cause a chemical reaction inside the photophore that gives off light in a chemical process known as bioluminescence.

I’m sure glad “they” did not tell me that... Or did “they” not?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(265)

A Modern Question Of Protocol

We have seen this time after time... There is a guy with a gun in a Business Office, a School, a Public Park, an Airport, a Theatre, etc. and the reports come in on the nightly news about how everyone ran for cover as soon as the gunfire started. Running and Ducking and Covering & Getting the Heck Out of There is the order of the day in the Good Ole USofA.

I read in my newspaper a few day ago where things may be starting to change. Some guy started shooting in a gym and the people in the gym took a new course of action. Here is what the Police Chief said in an interview...

Four shots were fired in the gym and several witnesses took cell phone photos of the shooter in action.

The subject of this posting says this is about A Modern Question of Protocol. Don’t you see it?

The question is, if you are present when the shooting starts and you have a gun in one hand and a cell phone in the other, what is the proper course of action?...

Should you take your gun and shoot the sucker dead or should you make a video with your cell phone and put the video on You Tube so that we can all observe the carnage as it is actually happening?

You can see that this is one thorny issue. I can see the lines being drawn as I peck this out. Many a Discussion Group, Focus Group and Blue Ribbon Committee will be held before a consensus is reached on this one.

(There I go showing how old my thinking is by using the word “consensus”. Is this word still in the dictionary? There is a pretty good chance it has fallen out of Webster’s due to lack of use. I am certain it is no longer in the Congressional Dictionary.)

At first blush most of you would say that the video takes precedence because you are a creature of the times you live in but I have a sense that times are changing in this country. The best example of why I feel change is afoot is the School Prayer Signs that are springing up across the Fruited Plain...

The sign with which we are so familiar reads:

“Prayer Is Not Allowed In This School”

In many school districts the sign has been changed to:

“Prayer Is Not Allowed In This School Until After The Third Shot Is Fired”

Our being allowed to again pray in school, under certain very limited circumstances, is our society edging its way back toward Religious Tolerance.

The Founding Fathers just may stop turning over in their graves after all. I bet they are tired.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(469)

Bullying Has Limits ... Or Has It?

Bullying is in. We are seeing more and more stories about this unsettling phenomenon in our daily news reports.

When we were coming up it was Butch and he was king of the recess period. He was feared. He was avoided. He was followed around by his “friends” as he hurried about the school yard performing his daily task of making the rest of us hide and scurry away from him.

Regarding his “friends” mentioned above. They were not real friends in the truest sense of the word. They aligned themselves with him in order to avoid the shame of having to become Scurriers and Hiders themselves.

Now my newspaper tells me about a new type of bullying victim I thought I would never see. The newest victim is an NFL Football Player. This shows how far the Art of Bullying has progressed since Butch’s reign of terror at St. Anthony of Padua in the 1950s.

I personally think this is an impossibility. I do not think it is physically possible to bully a person who weighs 312 pounds and stands 6’ 5” tall but that’s what we are being asked to believe has happened to a certain Miami Dolphin Football Player.

If you read my blogging on a regular basis you know I do not have much respect for our News Media. This proves that it does not have any respect for us. They think we will believe anything.

Next thing we know they will be telling us that the manufacture of Food Asbestos is not the largest industry in China.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(275)

How To Live Forever

When I was in high school I had One Ball Point Pen at a time. It was a Parker T Ball Jotter. When I lost it, I scraped together $2.59 and bought another pen. I also was mad at myself for being so careless and having to come up with another $2.59. I always pledged I would never lose that new one but many times it just disappeared.

It just dawned on me! Maybe I did not lose it after all. I bet it was stolen by one of my classmates that did not have $2.59. I bet it was Carlo Spariscello!

Oh yea, back to How To Live Forever...

I just took note that I have an unbelievable number of Ball Point Pens all over my house. After I took note, I thought, if I had to use all the ink out of all those pens before I would be allowed to die, I would live a very long time, probably forever.

I went online to www.GodI’mReallyUpHere.sky and looked around at what Longevity Plans were being offered at this time. I found one that suited my interest to a tee. It’s called...

Live Forever Because You Won’t Die Until You Have Used Up All Your Ball Point Pen Ink

I was shocked and quite pleasantly surprised and signed up immediately!

What’s that you are saying? You think I am making this up? I thought I had proven my doubters wrong enough times in my storied past that this would not be happening again. I can hardly believe my dear readers sometimes!

OK, I am going to overlook your disbelief. I have my own incentive for looking the other way. If you go to the web site above and signup for Live Until Your Pens Run Dry Offer, I can have another ball point pen magically appear in one of my many pencil boxes. All you have to do is insert the Offer Code Box “Da Smartfella” and I miraculously get my extra pen. Please remember to put in the Offer Code!!!

After pecking in the 3 Exclamation Points above I took a break and watched the National News for 10 minutes. It only took those 10 minutes to make me change my mind. Please do not put me in that Offer Code Box!!! There is no way I wanna live forever.

I also just threw a whole bunch of pens into our family Goodwill Donations Box.

If you think you still do want to live forever, go right ahead and sign up but, my advice to you is, go watch TV News for 10 minutes before you finalize your decision.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(451)