The New Criminal

A New Criminal Element has emerged into our culture. Please allow me to illustrate...

• The scene is the penitentiary in Atlanta, GA.
• Four criminals are sitting at a table eating lunch.
• They start relating to each other what they did to warrant their being incarcerated.
• Butch says he was jailed because he killed his girlfriend and the guy she was eating lunch with at a Krystal's with a double barreled shotgun.
• Gus says he was sent up the river cuz he stole $12,000,000 from a couple in their 90's with a fraudulent stock scheme.
• Lefty says he was convicted after molesting small children for 25 years in a day care center he owned.
• Robert says he was caught taking a 20 minute shower.

That having been said, Butch, Gus and Lefty picked up their lunch trays and moved to another table.
Would I kid u?

Confused Congressman

I was dismayed when I heard on NPR today (11/15/07) that a member of Congress is very confused. This is very disheartening to me. I always like to think of Members of Congress as being in complete control and on top of all the issues of the day. I don't like feeling this way.

I did not catch the particular name of the Member of Congress I heard discussed but his statement was,
'...this government is corrupt, inept and is without the support of the Iraqi people'.
(As usual I used single quotes because I am not sure of the exact words but I did write them down as soon as I heard them spoken.)

I am certain the words he meant to speak were,
'...this government is corrupt, inept and is without the support of the American people'.

I'm sure you understand my concern.

Would I kid u?

Media Leaves Off Best Part

I have no axe to grind with either Isiah Thomas nor Anucha Browne Sanders concerning the case just closed that awarded Anucha $11,600,000 for the "crude insults and unwanted advances" from Isiah.

I do have a problem with the Mainstream News Media's handling of the outcome of this case.

After the announcement of the verdict yesterday (10/2/07) the Atlanta Journal Constitution reported...
"Outside court, a beaming Browne Sanders insisted her victory was more about sending a message than about the money. 'What I did here, I did for every working woman in America,' she said. 'And that includes everyone that gets up and goes to work in the morning, everyone working in a corporate environment'."

Here is where I get angry with the Mainstream News Media. The Media deliberately left off the rest of her statement. They left off the part where she goes on to say…"The victory is won. The money is not important. I am hereby directing my attorneys to take the entire $11,600,000 and donate it to charity."

Or did she say?..."I am hereby directing my attorneys to take the entire $11,600,000 and donate it to every working woman in America. A check for each of their shares of this victory will be in the mail by this coming weekend."

Would I kid u?

No Problems When The U.S. Was Born

A feeding frenzy is alive and growing by the minute In Washington D.C. Politicians are lining to blame someone about what is happening or not happening in Iraq. One of the most vicious attacks is aimed at Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Our “fearless” politicians are good at blaming . They practice this "skill" a lot.

The members of our Congress can act this way because our own history was so clean and we came together as a country without a single hitch in our get-along.

Oh! Wait a minute! It just dawned on me that, in a book I read a few months ago (A Brilliant Solution by Carol Berkin), the statement I pecked out in the above paragraph might not be as accurate as it first seemed…

• “In 1787 our treasury was empty. Debts to foreign governments and debts to our own citizens could not be paid, and this was a blow to the nation’s honor as well as to its future credit.”
• “anarchy seemed to threaten”
• “These new ideas threatened a social revolution that would destroy not only their own fortunes but also the rule of law.”
• “All around them civil strife seemed to be erupting unchecked, and news of uprisings in western Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Massachusetts during the previous year shook the confidence not only of these wealthy men but also of Americans of all social classes.”
• “With no police force of any sort, military, or civil, the restoration of law and order was in doubt.”
• “Even worse, a political disorder on the highest levels had reached critical proportions.”
• “The cooperation among the states, forged in the 1770s and sustained during the war, had vanished with independence.”
• “Competition and exploitation reigned, and the revival of a fierce localism pitted Virginian against Marylander, New Yorker against New Jerseyite, Georgian against South Carolinian.”
• “The league of friendship called the Confederation that Americans had established as their first government grew more impotent, more lethargic, and more incompetent with every passing day”.
• “The nation was on the verge of self-destruction---or, worse, of simply fading away.”
• “Animated by a heartfelt ill will and rivalry, state legislators missed no opportunity to exploit the weaknesses of their neighbors. They rushed to enact tariffs and trade barriers, replacing the hated British restrictions with restrictions of their own.”
• “With duties to pay at every state border, even the most intrepid merchant or shipper found interstate commerce a nightmare.”
• “Connecticut and New Jersey were rumored to be planning a joint assault on New York.”
  

The book has a lot more examples of how we "got along" when we were a young country but my fingers are tired.

Would I kid u?

It Was Different When We Were Young

Today:
A mother looks at her child and says to her husband, "Looks like the teeth are coming in crooked". The husband says to the wife, "We are going to have to take a second mortgage on the home. I'm going to have to give up golf and you are going to have to give up the beauty parlor visits. I'll cancel the plans we were making for vacation this year. We are going to have to cancel the high-speed Internet connection and go back to dial-up. That ought to do it but we better keep a close eye on the finances for the next few years and we may have to revisit our expense pattern after we see how it is going".

When we were children:
A mother looks at her child and says to her husband, "Looks like the teeth are coming in crooked". The husband says to the wife, "Sure do, don't they. What's for supper?"

Would I kid u?

Congress Wasting Time

The Congress is wasting its time. They appear to believe that they can pass an amendment, pass a law, express a Sense of the Congress or such and something in the real world is affected by what they do. Today in our Senate (July 17, 2007) they passed the amendment shown below. It passed 94 to 3. It looks like 3 Senators did not have the guts to step up and cast their vote for this historical piece of legislation. They were probably hiding in the Cloak Room.

Senate Amendment 2100 Amends: H.R.1585 , S.AMDT.2011 Sponsor: Sen Cornyn, John [TX] (submitted 7/11/2007) (proposed 7/12/2007)
AMENDMENT PURPOSE: To express the sense of the Senate that it is in the national security interest of the United States that Iraq not become a failed state and a safe haven for terrorists.

Now that is brilliant, is it not? They can now vote to stop giving our military bullets, and with a straight face, 94 of them could say to their constituents, "I voted that Iraq not become a failed state and a safe haven for terrorists".

While they are on a roll, I would like them to do something about all the mosquitoes that keep biting The Folks Back Home. Here is what I propose:
· We have too many mosquitoes.
· We have lots of flies.
· I think they ought to propose that all our flies eat all our mosquitoes.

That makes as much sense as Amendment 2100.

Would I kid u?

Winston Churchill Politically Corrected

If Winston Churchill were still with us, do ya think he would be forced to be Politically Correct? If so it would probably look like this.

The Actual Directive...
Churchill's Directive to General Alexander Commander-in-Chief in the Middle East
1. Your prime and main duty will be to take or destroy at the earliest opportunity the German-Italian Army commanded by Field Marshal Rommel together with all its supplies and establishments in Egypt and Libya.
2. You will discharge or cause to be discharged such other duties as pertain to your command without prejudice to the task described at paragraph 1 which must be considered paramount in His Majesty’s interests.
WSC, 10 Aug 1942

Winston Churchill Politically Corrected...
1. Your prime and main duty will be to take or destroy at the earliest opportunity the terrorist throughout Afghanistan and Iraq commanded by Osama Bin Laden together with all their supplies and establishments in both countries.
2. You will discharge or cause to be discharged such other duties as pertain to your command without prejudice to the task described at paragraph 1 which must be considered paramount in Her Majesty’s interests.
3. It is of paramount importance you must not make anyone mad at us.
WSC, 29 June 2007

Would I kid u?

Quick Border Fence

Wanna know how the Border Fence could be built in a heart beat? It would be easy. Allow me to explain…

If the Mexican/U.S. Border were being crossed in huge numbers by Mexican Congressmen and Mexican Senators who were taking the positions in our Congress of our sitting Congressmen and Senators and our sitting Congressmen and Senators were losing their jobs, the Border Fence could be built darn near overnight.

Use your mind’s eye to picture with me for a moment...

• Members of Congress climbing all over the fence as it was being built.
• They are all sweaty but are refusing to take breaks as they work at a feverish pace.
• They all have Home Depot Aprons on their sweaty bodies.
• They have power tools in hand and other tools stored in their golf bags nearby ready for quick access.
• They have nails in their mouths ready for pounding.
• Diane Feinstein is standing guard holding a Tommy Gun and has two 357 Magnum Pistols strapped to her hips.
• They are chanting, “Hell no, we won’t press one for English!”

What a sight!

Would I kid u?

Pet Peeves

One of my pet peeves is I hate change for the sake of simplification or cute...especially Cute. Here are some old examples of such nonsense...

• Christmas changed to Xmas.
• Thanksgiving Day changed to Turkey Day.

Today I read in the newspaper about the latest and maybe the worst...

• The Fourth of July changed to Weenie Day.

Would I kid u?

Deadly Pursuits

Deadly Pursuits…

The Atlanta Journal Constitution on March 5, 2007 ran an article about Police Pursuits. It seems that some of us are concerned that these pursuits are dangerous. It is being purposed that the police be prohibited from engaging in pursuits of criminals or, at a minimum, the policeman be required to call off the pursuit if said pursuit become dangerous.

“Becomes Dangerous” … that is an interesting phrase. When will a pursuit become dangerous? Seems plain enough to me. They become dangerous when the police officer gets to the point in the pursuit where the pursued is about to be caught up with. This is an easy fix…

• Police officers should be required to run slower.
• More specifically, police officers who have the ability to run fast, should not even be hired because adrenalin might take over and, even if they are trying to run slowly, they may get caught up in the heat of the moment and run too fast and find themselves in a dangerous situation.

My Foolishness…Or Is It juices are flowing. Allow me to carry this a little further. I can just see the defense attorney making this impassioned plea…

“Your honor, everyone in this courtroom is well aware of the inalienable right of a criminal to run away. My client fully intended to run away. He was intent on doing this, not simply to get away with his ill-gotten gains, but to avoid a situation that would have endangered the police officer. As my, well meaning, client was about to make his get away, another police officer appeared on the scene and blocked his route of escape. This second police officer’s appearance deprived my client of his planned escape. I ask you to throw this case out of court because my client was deprived of his right to run away. I’m sure this is expressly stated in the constitution somewhere and, if it is not, it should be.”

Would I kid u?

Required Reading

Today I was reading the Gwinnett Daily Post & I found myself in a pickle.

The Gwinnett Daily Post is a small newspaper in our County of Gwinnett. It is one of those newspapers papers that is sometimes thrown onto your front lawn for free in the hope that you will like it, read it and subscribe to it. They do not know everything like the Atlanta Journal Constitution does, but they try.

As I was looking through it I read an article that had grey box at the top that was labeled MUST READ. I then looked through the rest of the Gwinnett Daily Post & found that there was another article with the same MUST READ Reading Requirement on top. This got me to thinking...

• Is this a Federal Law passed by the U.S. Congress? (You know how they are always looking out for our well being.)
• I am not sure why I am required by law to read an article headlined, "FBI revisiting decades-old civil rights cases, including Monroe lynchings".
• I felt very uneasy as I wavered on the precipice of whether I should or really had to read the article.
• If I did not read the MUST READ article, would "they" know?
• If "they" would know, how would “they” know?
• Are "they" watching us as we read newspapers?
• Are "they" watching me as I peck out this foolishness?

It started to get the best of me. To be on the safe side, I read the articles. Better safe than sorry.
Would I kid you?

Concern For The Blind

There is always someone or some group against anything and everything...

This was part of an article on the Net the week February 11, 2007.

“As hybrid sales skyrocket, there's a growing concern that the battery-gas powered vehicles pose a risk because they aren't as noisy as gas-only engines.

A hybrid emits less than three decibels of noise when starting up, a level hard to pick up with the human ear. A hybrid clipping along at 35 miles per hour emits 75 decibels.

Three years ago, the National Federation of the Blind raised concerns that electric cars and hybrids pose special dangers to people who rely on their hearing to cross a street. The group asked the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to research the effect of quiet cars on pedestrians. The group suggested some sort of noise be added to hybrids, perhaps by having the radiator fan switch on whenever the car is operating by battery, to alert people walking nearby.”

I became concerned when I read this. I don’t wanna be perceived as anti-blind. I do remember seeing a blind person attempting to walk across a street back in 1966. I would hate to have endangered that poor fellow.

As a result of my concern for that 1966 walking blind guy, my marriage of 43 years may now be in jeopardy. My wife drives a Toyota Prius. Having realized how I was being so blind to the blind, I went straight to the garage and put 3 marbles under each of her 4 wheel covers.

She is really mad at me but I have inner peace.

Would I kid u?

We Need One Eyewitness

Congress ought to pass a law that requires, before any crime can be committed, there must be one eyewitness.

Just think of the savings in time, expense and trouble to our judiciary system. Trials could be shortened to a matter of hours. The judge would call the court to order, the witness would tell what he/she saw and then the attorneys could go to the closing arguments. The trial would be over and justice would have been rendered. Remember...Justice Delayed is Justice Denied.

A perfect example is our Georgia Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney. During the summer of 2006 she tried to walk around a metal detector in the Capital without her Congressional Lapel Pin and with a dramatically changed hairdo. A security guard tried to stop her and she struck him.

Now if you will go back and read the first paragraph of this foolishness, you will see that I wrote “one eyewitness”. I did not say “at least one eyewitness” or “a minimum of one eyewitness”. My foolishness is better thought out than that. More than one I saw-it-with-my-own-eyes testifier is asking for trouble.

In the case of Cynthia McKinney, we had at least three eyewitnesses quoted in the news article that broke the story…

• One said McKinney slapped the officer in the face.
• One said McKinney punched the officer in the chest.
• One said McKinney hit the officer with the cell phone she had in her hand.

Now do you see why more than one is too many?

Would I kid you?

How I got rich off of Hurricane Katrina

Right after Hurricane Katrina did its deed I got an idea about how I could set myself up for life. I wasted no time in hiring a high-powered lawyer who, as my representative, contacted ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, CNBC, MSNBC & NPR to negotiate on my behalf. In short order I signed a contract with these esteemed media outlets that would pay me 25 cents, retroactive to the day after Katrina, for every time they use the word "aftermath" (as in ‘Katrina Aftermath’).

The negotiations were tougher than I expected. I had to give them a counter payment of $5,000 for every time they used the phrase, "George W. Bush is doing a good job."

Within a few weeks, bolstered by the huge sum of money that was rolling into my bank account, I made a down payment on 52 acres in the mountains outside of Ashville, NC.

If I had not weakened in my negotiations with my high-powered lawyer and agreed to pay him half, I could really have been really rich.

Would I kid u?

Not Making THE News

Stop and think with me a moment... Who is in the news? Most often those that we hear about are people/politicians/actors/whatever doing bad things...

• Getting drunk and driving.
• Overdosing on drugs.
• Stealing.
• Lying.
• Cheating.
• Taking steroids.
• Sleeping with someone with which they are not supposed to be sleeping.
• And so on and so forth.

Usually, if you go about your life doing good things, you don't make headlines. Here is a good example. Below you will find what a famous person we all know has been doing for the last 37 years:

• He explored the North Pole with Sir Edmund Hillary.
• He taught for eight years at the University of Cincinnati as University Professor of aerospace engineering.
• He acted as a spokesperson for Chrysler Corporation, General Time Corporation and the Bankers Association of America. He makes it a practice to only act as a spokesman for United States businesses.
• Along with acting as a spokesperson, he also served on the board of several companies including Marathon Oil, Lear Jet, Cincinnati Gas & Electric Company, Taft Broadcasting, United Airlines, Eaton Corporation, AIL Systems and Thiokol. The last he joined after serving on the Rogers Commission investigating the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster caused by a problem with the Thiokol manufactured solid rocket boosters.
• He co-founded the Institute of Engineering and Medicine at the University of Cincinnati, which has improved heart-transplant surgery using space engineering.
• For two years he was Deputy Associate Administrator for Aeronautics, NASA Headquarters Office of Advanced Research and Technology.
• Usage of his name, image and a famous quote of his caused problems over the years. He sued Hallmark Cards in 1994 after they used his name and his most famous quote in a Christmas tree ornament without permission. The lawsuit was settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money, which he donated to Purdue.
• He is still flying planes at age 75.

If you are like me you have said to yourself at least once in the last 37 years, “What the heck happened to Neil Armstrong since he landed on the moon?"
Would I kid u?

I'm glad Bill Keller is not 112 years old

According to the AJC of June 24, 2006, The New York Times quoted Bill Keller Executive Editor of The New York Times, as saying the secret financial inquiry program that tracked terrorist money was, "a matter of public interest".

I agree that it is a matter of public interest. That is why I am glad ole Bill is not 112 years old. I came up with that number because I estimate that a person would have to be about 50 years old to be an Executive Editor of The Prestigious New York Times and it has been 62 years since Normandy was invaded.

I think we can all agree the terrorist-tracking program is "a matter of public interest". I am also certain that D-Day was "a matter of public interest". That being so, Mr. Keller would have been compelled to tell the interested U.S. population and the interested entire world ... "Here we come, Mr. Hitler and here is where we are coming and Patton's army is a subterfuge, and etc, and etc."

Would I kid u?

Wipe Out World Child Hunger

My keen observation skills have lead me to derive a plan that will eliminate hunger for the children of the world, if only the Bush Administration has the foresight and strength of purpose to make it happen.

This all came about over years of watching American children in restaurants eat hardly anything off their plates. It goes like this…

• The plate of cheesed ziti arrives in front of typical American child diner.
• Over the next twenty-three minutes, typical American child diner eats only four ziti, moves twelve other zitis around the plate and waits for dessert.
• During these twenty-three minutes typical American child diner acts concerned while typical American child diner’s parents tell them, if they do not eat their food, there will be no dessert but typical American child diner knows better.
• Dessert arrives.
• Dessert is eaten.
• Doggy box/bag is requested and filled with rearranged ziti.

Another night out with typical American family is concluded. No surprises here but I see a better way. Here is what I have concluded is that better way...

The Bush Administration should go abroad and gather up starving children from every country in the world and bring them to the good ole U.S.of A. One of these children should be assigned to each American child who’s parents make it a practice of taking their little darlings out to dinner more times in a month than my children went out to eat in an entire year. These follower children are to sit patiently behind their assigned typical American child diner and move in to clean up the leftover ziti as soon as dessert has arrived.

This policy means:

• Trees will be saved because of the dramatically reduced demand for doggy boxes/bags (this will require a government subsidy for the makers of said doggy box/bag makers).
• World child hunger will be eliminated.

The only problem with this plan is one that I am sure you have already seen. The sheer volume of leftover typical American child diner food is so large that the follower children will certainly develop an obesity problem. Since this obesity problem was brought upon these, once slim and trim children, by the lack of foresight of the Bush Administration, the U.S Government will be responsible to pay for treatment of the follower children at Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or whatever. This could cause a tax increase.

Would I kid u?

Men Becoming Extinct

It is a sad situation that the man is always the dumb one in the modern day TV commercial. Luckily the hapless male has the opportunity during the commercial to be enlightened by a highly intelligent and obviously superior woman. However, men are really in trouble now.

According to an article in The Atlanta Journal & Constitution we are going to be made completely unnecessary in the future…
"Scientists have found a way to cut dads out of the picture, at least among rodents: They have produced mice with two genetic moms --- and no father."

One day the women of the future will be able to go to museums and see displays about men. There will be inscriptions that say something like; "The species was unintelligent, hot headed, determined to control the remote and always the villain in TV dramas. Once it was determined that they were no longer needed for reproduction, their numbers declined dramatically. They were pushed to the brink of desperation and eventual certain extinction back in the 21st Century after the all-female United States Senate refused efforts to place them on the Endangered Species List. President Chelsea Clinton was reported to have simply smiled quietly to herself when she heard the news."

Would I kid u?

The Last Day of World War One

When did the First World War end? Many of you just said to yourselves…The 11^th Hour of the 11^th Day of the 11^th Month of 1918. It sounds like that was scripted by Hollywood.

The most awful part of the story is that the armistice was signed at 5am on November 11^th but was not effective until 11am. The fighting continued for the last six hours between 5am and 11am.

• After the war, in a Congressional Hearing, General Pershing blamed Marshal Foch but the many said that, at the time, Pershing appeared to be gung ho about the last assaults.
• These were full frontal assaults as vicious as any on any other day of the war.
• The Germans were shocked when the assaults started but defended against them with all that they had.
• During these six hours, thousands of men were wounded or killed fighting for land on which they could have casually strolled smoking a cigarette at 11:01am on the 11^th Day of the 11^th Month of 1918.

Would I kid u?

All Is Ok In Iraq, Except

In the future President George W. Bush will make a major speech about Iraq. In advance, I am going to summarize the six parts of the speech plus his response to a single reporter's question he answered as he was leaving the Press Briefing Room.

1st Major Point Made By Our President:
There have been elections held in every city in Iraq to elect a Mayor and a City Council. Without exception, every citizen in every city voted in these elections. In every city there was jubilation and dancing in the streets as the Mayors and City Council Members were sworn into office.

2nd Major Point Made By Our President:
The new Iraqi President has been in office for two months and is proving to be enormously popular with the Iraqi people. In his election he received 100% of the vote. Every citizen of Iraq voted. Jimmy Carter was at every polling place in Iraq simultaneously and has testified to the absolute honestly of the voting. The Iraqi President is so popular that every time he is seen in public a minimum of ten Iraqi women have fainted after being overcome with sheer joy.

3rd Major Point Made By Our President:
All electric power has been restored to every inch of Iraq. The water purification system has been tested by Ralph Nader and declared by him as the purist water in the entire world. Oil exports are 300% of pre-war levels.

4th Major Point Made By Our President:
A Constitution patterned after the U.S. Constitution as been adopted by the Iraqi Congress. The document is so good that the U.S. Congress has voted unanimously to scrap the present U.S. Constitution and replace it with the Iraqi Constitution. Saddam himself surprised everyone by showing up at a joint assembly of the Iraqi Congress to proclaim that he thought it was a masterful document and he could not have written a better one himself.

5th Major Point Made By Our President:
Iraqi oil revenues will be used to pay for all medical needs for all of Iraqi citizens for the next fifty years.

6th Major Point Made By Our President:
George W. Bush has given up every penny he owns presently and every penny he will earn for the rest of his life to feed The Children of Iraq. He is moving into the YMCA tomorrow.

Answer To Reporter's Question:
As the President was leaving the stage, a reporter asked him about a rumor concerning a tomato that began circulating around Washington D.C. five minutes before he took the stage to deliver his speech. The President responded that he was aware of the incident and confirmed that an Iraqi citizen, who had just escaped from an insane asylum, had driven up on a moped and thrown a rotten tomato at a U.S. Army cook. It hit the cook square in the back of his head.

SEE BELOW FOR THE HEADLINE IN THE FOLLOWING EDITION OF THE NEW YORK TIMES...

President Forced To Admit To White House Reporter That There Is Open Rebellion Among Iraqi Populace

Would I kid u?