Rule Number One In The Congressional Handbook … Obfuscation Is Our Friend

When I was young the term “Mumbo Jumbo” was used as lot. Don’t hear that turn of phrase used very often in modern America but we hear Mumbo Jumbo* spoken all the time in the hallowed halls of our congress.

Actually we hear it darn near every time a politician speaks. Want a recent example to ponder? Try getting your mind around this quote from my local newspaper…

“The U.S. will put in place a clear and credible medium-term Fiscal Consolidation Framework”

I bet you will never figure that one out. Mission Accomplished. They don’t want you to figure out what they are doing because (as stated in the subject line above) obfuscation is their friend.

One of the few times you will hear a politician say something in clear language is when one says of another, “My esteemed colleague, you are not making any sense”.

Would I kid u?

*According to Wikipedia…Mumbo jumbo, or mumbo-jumbo, is an English phrase or expression that denotes a confusing or meaningless subject.

That Little Kid In The Sixth Sense Said, “I See Foolishness”…Or did he?

This is your chance to show that you have what it takes to be a Deputy Smartfella? (specializing in Foolishness).

If you think I spend my day lurking around alleys and listening at windows in the dark of night to find Foolishness, you are very wrong. It is not that complicated. All I do is watch TV and read my daily newspaper and the Foolishness miraculously appears before my eyes.

Do you want to be like me? If you just said, “Yes!” read on. If you said, “No” read on anyway because there may be a chuckle or two in the rest of this Foolishness…Or Is It?

---

FIRST NEWS ARTICLE

Here are pieces excerpted from my local newspaper a few days ago…

• Headline of the news article… “Dumped body murder suspect back in Gwinnett”.
• The first paragraph of the news article reads as follows… “A Tucker teen accused of killing his friend and setting ablaze the car that contained her body is back in Gwinnett County, facing charges”.
• Later in the article it says… “The alleged killing happened in DeKalb County, where the suspect faces murder charges”.

This is your chance to prove that you are a keen observer of Foolishness. Did you see it? It is a single word. After such phrases as “dumped body murder suspect” and “killing his friend” and “setting ablaze the car that contained her body” my newspaper then jumps right into my foolish world and says “alleged killing”.

Our judicial system will still have to prove that the suspect did the actual killing but there should be no doubt that there was, in fact, a killing.

---

SECOND NEWS ARTICLE

I have always having been interested in aviation, that’s why this one makes me especially sad.

Here in bullet format are the facts as laid out in the article I recently read…

• A World War II B-17 bomber (one of the last flying) took off.
• It quickly went down in a corn field.
• The plane was consumed by fire.

Are your Foolishness sensors up and ready to see the foolishness?… The article’s wording was, “A World War II B-17 bomber made what appeared to be an emergency landing in a cornfield Monday…”

Why did my newspaper use the words “appeared to be” to indicate that this happening might not have been an emergency landing?

I think this was an emergency because most planes do not land in cornfields right after takeoff and burn up.

---

I am such a keen observer of this crazy world we live in that I really think my ability to root out foolishness is truly a gift.

As you read about the two above news events did you not grasp the foolish words? If you missed them, do not feel badly. That’s why you have me.

I am here and I am ready to serve.

Would I kid u?

Two Postings That Prove I Am Ahead Of My Time

Originally Published February 2010…

What If You Are Going To Be Busy Tomorrow?

We have seen this happen dozens of times.
A public figure says something publicly and the very next day he publicly goes before cameras and publicly apologizes for his previously publicly made offensive public comments.
I have much sympathy for these people who we all admire so much. They are very busy doing public things that inspire and/or horrify us. What if they plan to go skiing the day after they make their crude, racist, stupid and/or uncaring comments? Should they be forced to rearrange or, heaven forbid, even cancel their plans so that they can apologize to us? Who are we to demand this of them? They are important people and we are not.
I think that they ought to be given the prerogative of doing a Preemptive Apology. This makes so much sense I am amazed that no one has thought of this before now. Here is how it would work…

• The public figure decides that he wants to make an apologizeable statement tomorrow.
• Because he plans to be on his way to the South of France or to go skiing in Colorado immediately following his apologizeable statement, should he not be allowed to make his apology today?
• This would fit better into his tight schedule … Apologize today … Make his crude, racist, stupid and/or uncaring comments tomorrow … Get on his private jet and be whisked off as scheduled to his well-deserved recreation.

Who could object to this logic? After all, he has packing to do.
Would I kid u?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally Published May 2010…

I’m Going To Be Rich and You Are Not

I am telling all of you my plan because I know you can't take my idea and beat me to my millions. I have the whole masterful plan of action copyrighted, patented and locked away in my safe deposit box. Sit back and be amazed at my genius…
Over and over we are being "treated" to one Important Person after another apologizing for every conceivable type of transgression. After watching and reading umpteen of these heart-rending performances, I have detected a discernible pattern to their stand-up routines. I have put together a way for these famous people to streamline their confessions/apologies and save all of us a lot of viewing or/or reading time.
I'm going to sell packages of one-liners that famous people can use to convey to us their sincere and heartfelt contrition...

1. I wish to apologize to all of my fans and supporters for betraying the trust they have placed in me.
2. I know the sorrow I have caused.
3. I accept full responsibility for my actions.
4. I have found Jesus.
5. I apologize to my wife.
6. I apologize to my children.
7. I feel your pain.
8. I especially apologize to The Children who have looked up to me as a role model.
9. I am so deeply sorry.
10. There have been many who have tried to get me to see the error of my ways and I feel especially bad for the sorrow I have caused them by rejecting their sage advice.

That's the list. Here is the time saving and money making part...
I will offer packages of the above excuses to these important people for a fee. (Always remember: They are important, we are not.)
For example, our sorrowful famous person can just step up to the mike and say, "APAL Package # 3". (“APAL” stands for Advanced Packaged Apology Listing.) He can then step away from the mike and go do lunch. The assembled news media will already have been given a list of APAL Packages. They can refer to their APAL List and scurry away to file their stories.
Price List:
Package #1 all 10...$5,000.
Package #2 will be made up of #'s 1,2,3,4,7,8,10...$4,000.
Package #3 will be made up of #'s 2,3,5,6,7...$3,500.
Package #4 will be made up of #'s 4,7,8...$3,000.
Package #5 will be made up of #'s 4,7...$2,000.
(You will notice that #7 is in all packages.)
I have decided not to offer any packages of less than two excuses for the obvious reason that the adoring public may begin to doubt the sincerity of the important person if he only used one excuse. We would not want that to happen, would we?
Would I kid u?

CBO Is Not Just Easy To Spell

There ought to be a law that prevents representatives of our two political parties from ever quoting any statistics from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO).

This tactic, which is used with equal dexterity (a congressional word for “obfuscation”) by both parties, has us concerned citizens very confused.

Before I get into explaining how they keep us in the dark, allow me to make a few points about the CBO…

• Have you ever seen an actual live person who is part of the CBO being interviewed?
• These CBO people are always talked about but never talked to.
• The CBO is the absolute final authority on how much it will cost to pay for whatever our 9% approval rated congress is doing for (or to) us.

Once the CBO has spoken (or a Congressman or a Senator has spoken for them … remember the CBO never actually speaks to us) all further discussion or analysis is considered unnecessary.

What I am about to relate to you I saw on TV today. I used my TiVo to get it exactly right. Since you are not as keen about such things as I am, you may find yourself skeptical. Don’t allow yourself to go there. Remember I am the one who does not kid you. That having been said, allow me to set the scene…

A high level Democrat and a high level Republican were guests on a political talk show. The pending legislative bill they were discussing is not important to this Foolishness…Or Is It?. The tactic they used is tried and true.  I have seen it a hundred times…

• One side goes first (it makes no difference which side goes first).
• “My party is diametrically opposed to this ill conceived legislation. The non-partisan CBO has stated that it will cost the American Tax Payer $4,375,776.33.”
• The other party’s representative is not phased by this startling amount of money (actually the only part of the opposition's statement he paid any attention to is the amount of money quoted).
• The other side counters, “My party is absolutely in favor of this ground-breaking legislation. The non-partisan CBO has stated that it will save the American Tax Payer $3,566,432.68.”
• The reason why they only pay attention to the dollar amount is that their Congressional Obfuscation Handbook teaches them to not use the exact same number because it may damage their credibility and credibility is something they jealously guard.

The icing on this awful cake is the Media Representative who is moderating the exchange of ideas never calls attention to the fact that they both quote the CBO but state that the CBO has drawn opposite positions that favor their opposite positions. The moderator just goes on to the next question on his teleprompter.

In America there were always only two sources of information and knowledge that were accepted as final the authority on anything and everything. Now that Oprah has retired, all we are left with is the CBO.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

If You Are A Lawyer, You Are Smart…Or Are You?

I have recently heard a Defense Lawyer make one of the dumbest statements I have ever heard. He was talking to the press about his very important client and he said, “For professional people, being in jail is no picnic”.

Does this mean that, if you are a butcher, a baker or a candlestick maker, being in jail is a picnic?

Silly me. It is all coming back to me. In all those jail house movies I have seen in years past the inmates were, in fact, always out in the big yard of theirs sitting on those checkered table cloths eating watermelon, ham sandwiches, fried chicken, brownies and drinking RC Colas.

How could I have ever forgotten?

Would I kid u?

We Ought To Thank The Bad Guys For Keeping Our Economy Humming Along

Have you ever stopped and given any thought to how much our economy owes to bad guys? Since you are not as deep thinking as I am this is going shock you. Yes, shock you, because it is so obvious…

Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy… Because of his Economic Stimulation Package in 1982 there are a ton of people employed since then doing such things as…

• Thousands of people diligently working every day at coming up with ways to protect us from this guy.
• Thousands more are actually manufacturing the safety things that the diligently working idea people have come up with.
• Last, but certainly not least, we have the thousands more who do the actual manufacturing of and installation of the safety thingies.

That’s a lot of thousands!

The people involved in the Tamper Proof Industry are sending their children to college with their pay checks.

Our grandchildren think that such safe guards were always with us. They do not realize that we have The Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy to thank for all of this employment.

Airplane Hijackers/Terrorists… Without the mayhem these guys have created there would be a lot more unemployed out there. They are responsible for the full range of products needed to protect us from them…

• X-ray machines.
• Conveyer belts.
• Metal detecting wands.
• Steel cockpit doors.
• TSA people everywhere you look.
• Uniforms for the TSA people.
• Baskets to put your stuff in so your stuff can be transported on the conveyer belt through the x-ray machine so the x-ray machine can do its x-raying
• Clothes pins for the noses of the TSA people that are applied after prospective passengers take their shoes off. The Clothes Pin Manufacturing Industry is one that was really struggling and needed a shot in the arm. As a matter of fact, they always open their convention each year in Las Vegas with a special thank you for the Hijackers and Terrorists who have done so much to keep their industry alive.
• Secret agents with guns sitting on airplanes looking like ordinary passengers.
• Plastic guns for the bad guys.
• Metal guns for the pilots.
• Lawyers filing law suits against the carrying of guns by pilots.

This Foolishness…Or Is It? really does not do full justice in laying out the increased employment created by Airplane Hijackers/Terrorists and the Tylenol Murdering Never Been Caught Guy. Without them 9.1% unemployment would look like a small number.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me…BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my blogs.

Commercials Talk You Into Buying A Product … Or do they?

These are the words I transcribed from a TV Commercial. I find it hard to believe that anyone would ever take this drug (treats a skin disorder) after watching this commercial and hearing these words.

The truth is the drug company is probably making a fortune…

Zxanita … may lower your ability to fight infection and increase your risk of infections … some serious infections require hospitalization … before starting Zxanita your doctor should test for tuberculosis … Zxanita may increase your risk of cancer … always tell your doctor if you have any sign of infection or if you have had cancer … alert your doctor of new or worsening problems including headaches, seizures, confusion, and vision problems … these may be signs of a rare and fatal brain condition … serious allergic reactions can occur … tell your doctor if you or anyone in your house needs or has recently received a vaccine

Zxanita is my made up name for this product. Even though the bold type above is an exact quote of the words in their TV Advertisement, I am afraid to use the product’s name because they might sue me.

How can I be sued if I am using their words? I do not know but I am not taking any chances. I can just hear their attorney, “He can’t say what we said because people might not buy our product.”

This is like in Dr. Strangelove (1964) where Peter Sellers said, "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here...This is the War Room!" 

To prove to you how far my research goes to make my silly points, I timed the commercial with a stop watch. It was 60 seconds long and 33 seconds were devoted to warning you about the dangers of using Zxanita.

Here is my suggestion for a sales pitch they might use,

Got flaky skin? Use Zxanita. It will sure as hell kill you but you will not have to worry about everyone staring at your skin problems because morticians use great cover-ups.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me…BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my blogs.

Do We Need To Know Everything? … NOW!

I have always admired my fellow man’s thirst for knowledge. We have all benefited from the wonderful things invented or discovered by thirsty or just plain curious people.
The above having been said, the electronic world we live in today is really going to extremes regarding the dissemination of information. When Ted Turner started this 24/7 news barrage many of us thought things like, “Why are they putting news on TV over and over all day and night? They are telling me things that they just told me a half hour ago.”
Now we are demanding that they tell us news over and over and quicker and quicker. We don’t want to wait for anything. We install apps on our phones to notify us immediately when something is happening that we think we can’t do without.
I saw where there is an app that will notify you when a High Speed Pursuit is live on TV.
Can you imagine if Doctor Jonas Salk had been one of these High Speed Pursuit Junkies. Every time he started to make headway on his Polio Vaccine his phone would play the silly little tune he had carefully selected. He would have stopped his research and ran to his TV to watch the latest chase in progress. When he got hack to his work bench, he would have been heard to say, “Now where was I?’
If this obsession had been his obsession, we would still have Iron Lungs all over the place. (For those of you who don’t know what an Iron Lung is, Google It!)
I read where, during all those storms in recent weeks the Weather Channel downloaded as many as 47,000 of their Weather Apps a day. Three days after that tornado hit Joplin, Missouri sales of all weather apps were up by an average of 1,866%.
Did the existence of all those apps save a single life? I know one thing for certain, Jay Leno could probably have found a man on the street who said, “I don’t care about lives that were saved. I want to know about lives lost and I want to know about them fast!”
The Smartfella? believes there are things that we would be better off not knowing…
Superman … If the first Superman Comic Book had just been published, we would certainly see commentaries, analyses, documentaries, news conferences and national poling results  about how illogical the very idea of a superman is.
Both the children of America and I would have found this very unnerving.
Here is the kind of thing we would have been exposed to…

• Clothes – How is it possible that after Superman leaves his phone booth after having changed his clothes and flown away to fight injustice and no one ever finds his clothes in there? (For those of you who don’t know what a Phone Booth is, Google It!)
• His Super Face – How is it possible that simply taking off his glasses makes him completely unrecognizable to people who see him and work with him every day?
• His Super Voice – The same holds true for his voice. How come no one ever said, “You sound exactly like Clark Kent?”

If yesterday were today, Superman never would have gotten off the ground.
Would I kid u?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

This posting could have another title…

Safety Barriers Getting in the Way of Unsafe Driving

On a local road not far from my house, within two mile of each other, there are two sets of Safety Barriers used to control traffic. They are intended to keep the drivers of cars from running into each other.

The first picture below will show you what the barriers are supposed to look like…

There are five thingies inserted into the left turn lane. They are there to keep our Atlanta Knievels from getting into the center left turn lane and charging ahead at a high rate of speed in order to make it through the light before it changes.

The Safe Driver waits until he gets closer to the light itself before sliding into the left turn lane.

The danger is that the Safe Driver ends up being hit from the rear by the speeding Unsafe Driver.

The next two pictures show the second set of Safety Barriers which have been repeatedly hit and just about completely destroyed by many of my fellow drivers…

 

I guess I don’t need to peck out a lot more words to get you to understand that there are crazy drivers all about me. I know you will take solace that they are around me and not around you.

The late Paul Harvey just walked into my computer room, looked over my shoulder, saw what I was pecking out and told me to tell you The Rest of the Story…

The type of drivers that have destroyed this second Safety Barrier are not just crazy and unsafe. They are crazy, unsafe and stupid. On more than one occasion (including last Saturday) I have seen these people swerve to the left into oncoming traffic and make it back into their coveted left turn lane just ahead of a head-on collision with oncoming wide-eyed drivers.

Do you see why I added “stupid” to their descriptive adjectives?

Some of you are probably asking yourselves why the first Safety Barrier is still intact. Could it be that there are better drivers only two miles away?

I feel certain that that is not the answer. I think it is probably much more likely that the Department of Public Safety has just finished replacing that Safety Barrier after it had been destroyed and was looking a lot like the second Safety Barrier above.

I’ll make it a point to drive back that way in about two weeks to see if my speculation is correct.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me…BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my blogs.

Tin Cans … Can You Handle The Truth?

If where you live is like where I live, you have Traffic Reports on the radio every day. I know that those poor souls that still have to work for a living probably depend on these shouted bulletins to help them survive their commutes because the traffic is awful!
Actually I really have no sympathy for those of you still working because it is your own fault that you are still working. If you had been born sooner you could be retired like me.
Back to the awfulness of the traffic reporting. Here is how it sounds to me…

• The darn things come at my ears every 6 minutes. This is not another of my foolish made up facts. The radio stations are actually proud of this 6 minute thing. They announce every 6 minutes that the reports come every 6 minutes. Commercials take up about 3.5 minutes of these 6 minutes. This only leaves 2.5 minutes for the Talk Show Host to make us worry and/or get disgusted at whatever he has uncovered that  he thinks we ought to get worried and/or disgusted about.
• The traffic reports are very loud. I guess they are trying to wake up the bleary-eyed commuter. It’s sort of a hysterical public service announcement.
• The traffic reporter talks unbelievably fast. It is really hard to understand what he is saying. In my opinion they take what would be a 4 minute bunch of words and spew them out at us in about 30 seconds.
• Usually I try and ignore them (remember I am not a commuter). The times I have tried to listen to them I have gotten very confused. Since they are working commercials into the traffic reporting, I find myself saying to myself, “I don’t even know where Neutrogena Anti-Wrinkle Street is”.
• The biggest deception perpetrated by the Eye in the Sky People is that they are not in the sky. They try and make it sound like they are up in a helicopter and broadcasting to us through a radio transmitter by talking into a tin can from their well grounded radio station studio.

I know of what I speak in the last bullet above concerning the Tin Can. Back in my former life the U.S. Army taught me how to recognize the difference between a radio broadcast asking us to land where the good guys needed us to pick up wounded soldiers and the sound of a Viet Cong (bad guys) shouting very loudly into a tin can. They used to try and trick us into landing where they were so they could make us feel real unwelcome.
Thanks to your having read this Foolishness…Or Is It?, next time you hear the Eye in the Studio Guy shouting into his tin can, you will know the truth and then you can handle the truth. General Jack Nicholson would smile at this last line (if he were lucky enough to be on my notification list). 

Finally, if you find out where Neutrogena Anti-Wrinkle Street is, send me an email and let me know. It’s not in my GPS.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella

NOTE: Don’t blame me…BlogSpot is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my blogs.

Ugly Should Not Be Allowed In Church

I did it again in church yesterday. I allowed my mind to wonder while it should have been praying for you, my dear readers.

Those of you who have been reading my stuff for awhile may recall I did this once before when I became fixated on Blue Jeans, Shorts and Flip Flops in church. Click below to revive an old chuckle or two…

http://forii.blogspot.com/search?q=jeans

This time I got to looking at people’s feet. To be perfectly blunt, Feet Are Ugly. Why is it that people want to walk around any place at all, much less in church, with their feet exposed is beyond me.

The worst part of feet is toes. They go all directions when people walk. They are bent left and right. Some are so long they hang off the end of the flip flop. Some point up at about a 75 degree angle and then flop down as the foot hits the ground. Quite simply stated, feet are a mess.

Somewhere back in the past Mr. Revlon convinced women that their toes ought to be painted, so Mr. Revlon could build a big mansion to live in. The lady in the pew with me yesterday had selected Putrid Green for her little piggy's. They kept me awake during the homily. I kept peaking at them to see if they were still there and still Green.

Some of the feet that I saw had closed end shoes so that the toes were not visible. I also analyzed this phenomena and drew the inescapable conclusion that people with good looking toes must not be allowed to show off their toes.

Given enough time all toes deteriorate. Eventually they all become ugly and by federal law, once ugly,  they are required to be exposed. The agents of the Federal Department of Ugliness (FDU) are probably roaming our streets and byways with their handheld x-ray machines on the lookout for ugly toes still hidden by shoe coverings. Once FDU determines that your toes are ugly enough, the person who is connected to the toes is required to wear open toed sandals or flip flops. If they can’t afford to buy their new foot gear, taxpayer dollars are used to give them what the law requires that they wear. It’s the only fair thing to do.

Some of you are probably thinking I have really stepped into it this time because I have offended all those out there who like sandals and flip flops. Actually this is not the case. All such people think that they are the exception to the rule and that their ugly feet are pretty feet and, therefore, I am not talking about them and their pretty feet. In this misguided belief they are pretty wrong.

If feet came without toes, I might not be this riled up but they do and so I am.

Would I kid u?

Appendix To … I Was So Shocked I Almost Ran Off The Road

I am so happy that I now have conclusive proof that at least one person is reading my Foolishness, even if it is a relative.

In response to my blog “I Was So Shocked I Almost Ran Off The Road”, my cousin sent me this info. I think the People Picture it paints is priceless and is proof that my original posting was right on the money.

I was out of the United States (Vietnam) when this happened and this is the first time I have been told about it…

• My grandfather’s house in uptown New Orleans had very wide front steps that could accommodate around 20 people (neighbors and/or relatives).
• Most nights In the 1940s the steps would be full of neighbors and/or relatives.
• If one of these neighbors and/or relatives would have started talking about what was on TV that night, the rest would have really been puzzled about what a TV was.
• On September 9, 1965 Hurricane Betsy hit New Orleans.
• This is the hurricane that made the people in the New Orleans area fear future hurricanes.
• Much of uptown New Orleans was without electricity for up to three weeks.
• During that No Air Conditioning and No TV period of time the neighbors and or relatives returned to my grandfather’s front steps.
• For a very short period in 1965 it was 1948 all over again.

I wish I would have been there but probably would not have appreciated what I was experiencing at the time. It very likely would have taken the hindsight of today to understand how nice those three weeks were.

To finish this one on a sad note, when the electricity came back on, the neighbors and/or relatives went back inside to their Air Conditioning and TV's and have not been seen since.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella

I Was So Shocked I Almost Ran Off The Road

I was driving along the other day and I looked to my right and there it was something I don’t think I have seen in 45 years. There was a man sitting on his porch in one of his porch chairs. Don’t you get it? Ok, I’ll say it again but more slowly this time...

There ... was ... a ... man ... sitting ... on ... his ... porch ... in ... one ... of ... his ... porch ... chairs.

Stop and think about this sight. Ask yourself when was the last time you saw someone sitting in a porch chair. Been quite a while has it not?

Everyone who has a porch has porch chairs. They are everywhere. They are probably a billion dollar industry but they are not for sitting in. They are for looking at. Porch chairs are probably one of the most useless things we have in the good ole USofA.

Life before TV...

• We would sit outside after supper on our porch chairs and wait for the neighbors to come walking by.
• My family did not have a porch or porch chairs but we did not let that stop us. We did have concrete area in front of the plate glass window of our family grocery store and that served as our porch. For chairs, we brought out four kitchen chairs to serve as substitute porch chairs.
• This routine was always initiated by my father saying, “Time to set up the kitchen chairs”.
• As we sat, the neighbors would come walking by and make chit chat... “Nice night”, “How are you doing this evening”, “President Truman sure made a big mistake by sending our boys to Korea”, “Dat (I was raised in New Orleans) hurricane (New Orleans is in Louisiana) will be here tomorrow this time. Don’t forget to put the masking tape on your front plate glass window”, etc.
• At some point in the evening it was our turn to get up from our kitchen chairs and walk around the neighborhood to chit chat to the neighbor who had returned from their walks or had yet to walk their walks.
• We left our chairs setting there without giving them a second thought that someone would steal our kitchen chairs while we were gone. There was no need to put chains around the chairs like Wal-Mart has to do with their lawn mowers today.

I know I have confused you, my dear readers, by using a term in this posting that you are completely unfamiliar with and for that I apologize. I will now explain myself.

As you read above you most certainly said to yourself, “Self, what is a neighbor?” (Educating my readers is one of the greatest pleasures I get from blogging)...

Neighbors are the people who live in the houses around your house who you never see because they are inside their houses watching Dancing with the Stars content in the knowledge that their porch chairs are on their porch making them look neighborly.

Getting back to the beginning of this Foolishness, is it possible that that guy I saw sitting on his porch in his porch chair is not the beginning of a comeback for sitting out after supper, walking and chit chat? Could it be that his TV was broken and he was waiting for the Best Buy delivery truck? That, my dear reader, is a sobering thought. I wish I had not thought it.

On the other hand, Televisions and Unnecessary Porch Chairs just might be conclusive evidence of the progress our society has made since I was a kid...or is it?

Would I kid u?

I Am Very Much Into My New Undertaking

I am going to devote many of my waking hours in the years to come toward supporting a new and much needed organization called…

Association of Mothers United for Safe Texting (AMUST).

I can’t tell you how excited I am about this, so I won’t.

Their Vision Statement tells it all…

Texting while driving is a fundamental right of all Americans. The most important rule of texting is Quick Response. To address this issue, driving habits need to change with the times.

AMUST lays out their Platform very succinctly…

• AMUST agrees that texting while driving can sometimes be dangerous.
• In the interest of safety, AMUST supports texting only while stopped at traffic lights.
• The problem is there are not enough traffic lights, and the few that we do have, do not allow enough time to text your inner most thoughts.
• AMUST proposes that traffic lights be erected every six blocks and all traffic lights should be timed to stop traffic in all direction for a minimum of sixty seconds.

AMUST feels that ought to do it but, being an organization with an eye toward the future, AMUST has already developed Phase II. I personally do not see why they are dragging their collective feet and are not proposing Phase II right up front. I ask you, what’s wrong with a light every three blocks and ninety seconds long?

Texting must be protected in the Constitution of these United States somewhere and, if it is not, it ought to be.

Would I kid u?

This Is A Short One

The next time you hear one of our Congressional Rulers talk about reducing expenditures so they can spend the money saved on something else, ask yourself…

Would It Not Make More Sense To Take The Money Saved And Pay Down the National Debt Instead Of Spending The Money Saved On Something Else?

Then we could really save some money by Not Paying Interest on the National Debt … or is that against federal law?

Would I kid u?

Where Do They Get All That Money To Build Those Fancy Casinos?

This Foolishness…Or Is It? is not about the blowing up of the Mississippi River Levee in Missouri. It actually is about something I read in an article about the levee blowup. At first it looked like Foolishness. I make it a practice to make light of Foolishness but this one is truly sad.

The article said that down the river and into the state of Mississippi there was another problem. A local official was quoted as saying that the high water in the river had caused nine casinos on barges to close. He went on to say, “That can kill a community like ours. It’s our number-one revenue source”.

It appears that the Downstream Folks are working hard to make money and the Gambling Industry Folks and the Local Taxing Authority Folks are working hard to take their money. The hard working downstream folks are putting on their Vietnamese jeans made with Egyptian cotton and going to the casinos to get rid of their money, a.k.a. “Revenue Source”. They used to deposit their money in a bank but now they deposit their money in a casino.

Once again I offer a solution. If these downstream folks are running out of money what we need is to get someone to raise their debt limit. That ought to make it all better.

Would I kid u?

Obsessed? … There Is No Doubt I Am!

This posting is intended to remove all doubt about my obsession about Cell Phone Distracted Drivers and prove to you that I have good reason to be the way I am…

• Today I was driving down a four lane street when I took note of a curious happening in a car that was overtaking me at a rapid speed, as I traveled along just exceeding the speed limit.
• There was something that kept protruding in and out of the driver’s side window of the fast approaching car.
• As the car darted past me I saw that that something was a small very excited white dog.
• I thought to myself that an excited animal bouncing around on one’s lap could be a real distraction to safe driving but it was not as distracting as it could have been because the lady driving the rocker mobile was holding a cell phone to her right ear and the all-important conversation she was engaged in was certainly keeping her mind off of her cute little dog’s bounding about.
• Later I caught up and passed the Talking Dog Lady because she had been stopped by a red light.
• After the red light she sped past me again but I gained on her a short distance later as she slowed to make a right turn.
• That’s when I saw how advanced this lady’s driving skills really were.
• The dog was even more excited because it could smell home approaching and was bounding on her lap and out the window at a more frenetic pace while the Mrs. Evil Kenevil had contorted her head down a sharp angle to hold that little cell phone between her ear and her right shoulder while she turned the wheel to make her turn.

This was a talented woman! I sure hope she was going through all of this pretzeling so that she could continue her conversation about solving the Mid-Eastern Situation with the Foot Long Sub Sandwich Eating Lady from my earlier blog posting (click below)…

“Obsessed … Or Am I?” http://forii.blogspot.com/2011/04/obsessed-or-am-i.html

Would I kid u?

Obsessed ... Or Am I?

I admit that I am constantly looking at those around me that who are constantly talking on their cell phones. Is it necessary to always be in communication with someone about something? Is it even healthy?

Whatever happened to time spent sitting around contemplating about things? Einstein used to spend a lot of time thinking. He spent years working complex problems in his thinking head. Where would we be if every time he started to make progress, his cell phone would have played the cute little tune he had selected from...

10,000Cuteand/orTerriblyAnnoyingRingTones.com

Most of all I think driving and talking on one’s cell phone is downright dangerous. I can’t help it but it really gets to me. If I was to go on a campaign to stop this unsafe driving practice, I would certainly be vilified, verbally attacked, rotten vegetables would be thrown in my direction or worse.

I feel certain that in one of my many appearances to defend myself in court about one of the many law suits that would certainly be filed against me I would hear a prosecuting attorney uttering words like this...

“Your honor, the Founding Fathers of this great country of ours wanted us all to talk on our cell phones. If it were not so, they would not have bothered putting Freedom of Speech in our Constitution.”

I’ve written about talking and driving on the phone before but I was pushed over the edge again by a sight I witnessed yesterday at a stop light...

• I was just sitting at the red light trying my best to solve the Mid-Eastern Situation when I took note of a car to my right in the cross street to my own street.
• It had come to a rather abrupt stop as the light had changed.
• Sure enough the lady was holding a cell phone in her right hand to her right ear and also was trying to solve the Mid-Eastern Situation.
• This, of course, had me muttering to myself as I started going through my green light.
• About the time I got even with the cell phone using lady, she lifted her left hand to take a bite out of the foot long sub sandwich she was holding in her left hand.

What dexterity this woman possessed! I feel certain that, if the late great Ed Sullivan were still on television, this lady would be one of his acts right along with the Jugglers, the Trampoline Jumping Artists and the Plate Spinners on Long Sticks Guys. I am certain she would have been a hit.

Our Founding Fathers would be very proud of her.

Would I kid u?

Before You Panic ... Ask Me

Modern America is driven by information coming at us from all directions. Sometimes we are dozing in front of the television and pay no attention (if we are lucky). Other times we are awake and get excited. Sometimes there is need to get excited but many times we should pay no attention.

A good example is the Swine Flu Pandemic if 2009/10. Right there you see a prime example of the, “We Have Got to Get Their Attention 24/7 News Cycle”. It could have been called the Swine Flu Outbreak but they (“they” is the same as “them”) wanted this one to be a Pandemic.

I have done my research on this bit of Foolishness...Or Is It? and I know you appreciate my efforts on your behalf...

This is a quote from an story dated September 1, 2009...

“A White House report from an expert panel suggests that from 30 percent to half the population could catch swine flu during the course of this pandemic and that from 30,000 to 90,000 could die.”

Allow me to show the results of my analysis of the above attention grabbing statistics filled quote about how many of us could have caught the Swine Flu...

• 30% of the U.S. population would mean that 93,000,000 of us could have caught the Swine Flu.
• 50% of the U.S. population would mean that 156,000,000 of us could have caught the Swine Flu.
• Using information I have gathered from the Internet I have found that there were actually 113,690 cases of Swine Flu reported in the U.S. and to get to that number Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, U.S. Virgin Islands and Northern Mariana Islands were included.

Allow me to also show the results of my analysis of the above attention grabbing statistics about deaths...

• The number predicted that could die of the Swine Flu was 30,000 to 90,000.
• That actual number, again including Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, U.S. Virgin Islands and Northern Mariana Islands, that did die was 3,433.

We have often heard it said, “That’s good enough for government work”. I’m sure glad that the government does not work in the world of sports. If it did we might hear something said like, “Babe Ruth hit 3,712 home runs in 1927” (for those of you who don’t know sports, the actual number was 60).

Next time we have a pandemic on the way, contact me and I will tell you what to do to protect yourself. I could have saved us all a lot of consternation if only I had been asked. The picture below is what I would have advised about

How to Prevent Swine Flu...

Would I kid u?

Education ... Or is it?

In the world of modern education there is some good news and some bad news out there. 

Cursive Writing

Bad News: This form of writing has fallen into disuse. For some reason Americans have started printing. My local newspaper told me recently that a decision was pending about whether or not the teaching of Cursive Writing is going to be completely discontinued in the State of Georgia.

Don’t tell the “educators” making this decision but I think many of our schools have already taken this “progressive” step and have stopped teaching this antiquated subject. They probably replaced it with Multi-Cultural Dancing or Social Networking.

Since we are talking about jobs so much during our current dire economic situation, think about all the jobs that are being lost as cursive writing goes down the tubes due to the fact that Handwriting Experts are being given their pink slips every day.

Spelling

The next set of instruction that will be discontinued will be Spelling. It will be replaced by an attitude that says, Come as Close as You Can and Let Them Figure It Out.

Punctuation

Already gone is Punctuation. In the catalog where it used to be listed as a subject is a notation that says, “Punctuation was once considered a requirement but has fallen into disuse in recent years and is now seen for what it really is ... A waste of time and ink”.

Touch Typing

Touch Typing also used to be very important but it is now history. My two sons were steered towards Touch Typing classes by my wife. They probably took some guff from other boys for taking “a girl’s class” but they actually benefited from their mother’s foresight.

Good News: I have also read where there is a strong movement to put Touch Typing classes back into our teaching curriculum.

Bad News: The modern student is going to be taught to Touch Type using only his thumbs.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella