I Am Now In Complete Charge Of Entertainment And Music At Next Year’s Super Bowl

Help is on the way... Me!

I just received a call from the Commissioner of the National Football League. He has seen the light. He said I am now in charge of entertainment, music and the halftime show at next year’s Super Bowl. My plan is simple...

• Christina Aguilera will not be singing the National Anthem. In her stead will be a uniformed Army Sergeant Baritone who will not take one syllable words and extend them into eight syllable words. Since I am a firm believer in the punishment befitting the crime, this is what I would prescribe for Christina... She will not be allowed within 500 miles of the game itself. She will not be allowed to watch the game on TV. Neither will she be allowed to read any newspaper about the game either before or after the game. She will be put on 24 hour surveillance and the person who even tells her the final score will be subjected to the same penalty I am prescribing for her in the following Super Bowl. If you think I am being too harsh, watch her “performance” by clicking below... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgxA3Aus8jY&feature=player_embedded
  UPDATE...On 2/18/2011 I clicked on this link and found that UTube has cancelled it. That's OK. It would have probably damaged your ear drums.
• Back in my youth I went to a Tulane University freshman football game. I and the other 63 fans in attendance were treated to a halftime show that far surpassed what those Peas People inflicted upon us last night. The Tulane game had in the stands about ten guys from the University’s big band tooting throughout the game. At halftime they went down on the field and played the Gillette Look Sharp/Be Sharp March and lined up in single file on the 50 yard line in an exact replication of an Unshaven Male Facial Hair. It was great! It was certainly a lot better than the Peas People... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIi-ku0nRGQ&feature=related

What this country needs is the Southern University Marching Band... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCJWuXCqDDk
We also need a strong dose of John Phillip Souza... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znEePD1nJxo&feature=related
Would I kid u?

Stop It At The Source

I just read in my newspaper that, if we build a new Export Terminal in Washington State to ship coal to China, we will be responsible for the pollution of China’s atmosphere when the coal is burned in China’s inefficient coal burning facilities.

In some people’s minds the U.S. is responsible for everything that happens ... everything bad.

Since the above is an undeniable Foolish Fact, my mind started churning on another evil that the good ole USofA is responsible for and how we can turn it into a source of job creation which will help our struggling economy in these dire economic times.

We are the breadbasket of the world. We export humongous amounts of grain all over the Earth and have been doing so for a very long time. The inevitable result of this grain exportation is methane produced by the cows that eat our grains. Our unending desire to make money is harming the ecology.

If our Federal Government would go on an all out campaign to ramp up plants all over the country to produce Cow Corks we would stimulate Manufacturing, Employment, Tax Revenue and help our Balance of Trade Numbers all at the same time. This is a Win Win idea if I have ever heard of one!

With this increase in Tax Revenue we could then increase our lobbying efforts to beg the Chinese to loan us more money.

Would I kid u?

Four Isn’t That Much ... Or is it?

Please look at my book's web site, buy a book & then send the link to friends (or enemies) who have $10 to spend on the World's Greatest Bathroom Book.

CLICK ON THE WEB SITE’S LINK BELOW http://foolishnessorisit.com/default.aspx

I go to a gym a few times a week to try and keep my heart from attacking me. In the gym is a bank of 24 televisions that we watch as we sweat. On many occasions I find myself watching channels that I would not otherwise be caught dead watching.

The other day I was watching a show which is an imitation of The View (just what we need another View). This day they had a Celebrity on from a sitcom several years back that was enthralling the breathless hosts with what she is doing and is not doing with her life.

The Celeb said the following, “My husband and I have been married 4 years” and the round of applause she got was akin to the same as if she had said, “I just discovered the cure for all forms of cancer”.

To my way of thinking four years does not sound like that much and she did not even specify which husband this was.

What’s next? Are going to see going to see the Celeb Worshippers having a similar reaction to the likes of...

• “I really like my fifth wife because, when she sits quietly at night reading a book, she does it very quietly.”
• “I may be subjecting myself to unwanted scrutiny but I honestly think that cherries go well with prunes and the world would be better place if more of us ate cherries and prunes mixed together.”
• “I wish I had learned to be this assertive when I was younger. If I had I would certainly have taken a position similar to this which I have now taken even though it is not the position which I would have taken had I taken it at the time.”
        Now this last quote is so unable to be understood that the Celeb Worshipping Audience would probably think to itself... Wow! That is so deep! I don’t understand what the heck he is talking about but that certainly must be because I am nobody and he is somebody. This is certainly deserving of a standing ovation! … I think?

It makes me sad to realize that my repeated blog postings about our society’s unrelenting worship of Celebrities is not going to have any effect on our obsession with them and what they do or don’t do.

Sometimes I think I ought to zero in more on the foolishness of politics. Yes I know I could do that but there is so much silliness in politics that my instinctive thirst for variety demands that I write about something else.

Would I kid u?

If It Was Really Stupid, Then I Claim Full Responsibility

Accept this as fact: There are people who wish the United States harm out there in the world. Some of our teenagers give these people hope that they will see the good ole USofA become a footnote in history because they are observing how our young people “think”.

One such teen recently hauled a baby grand piano onto a sand bar in Biscayne Bay and set it afire. He and his fellow like minded friends then watched it burn up (or down, if you prefer down to up). When he was asked why he did this he gave two replies that prove that he is not the next Einstein...

• He said it was cool.
• He said he did it for the sake of art.

Think this is crazy? The craziest thing is others tried to claim responsibility for his cool/artistic endeavor. Can you believe that? Instead of issuing statements denying responsibility these mental midgets were rushing in to claim “credit”.

Thank goodness that our boy genius was forward thinking enough to have videoed his Foolishness. He showed his video and the world then gave him the recognition that he so rightfully deserves.

-----------------------------------------------

Then there is the other side. One student in a prestigious art school said, "I want to meet him. I thought it was beautiful. It was poetic."

Could I be wrong? Is it possible that I am so logical thinking that I can’t distinguish foolish eyesores from ugly art?

Would I kid u?

Bad Guys Always Get What’s Coming To Them ... Unless They Have A “Good” Lawyer Or A Stupid Judge ... Or both

 

In bullet format here is what I read in my newspaper on 1/28/11 (my sage comments will be in bold)...

• This was a Bank Account Takeover Scheme ... Otherwise known as people stealing other people’s money.
• Six schemers victimized Chinese, Korean, Laotian and Vietnamese residents in California, Oregon and Washington ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The scheme was conducted from November 2008 to April 2010 ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The victims were contacted by phone and told that they had unpaid bills with telephone or utility companies.
• Using the personal information gathered from their victims, the defendants ordered bank checks and added themselves as users on victim’s credit cards ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The schemers then spent $500,000 of the victim’s money on everything from Louis Vuitton purses to a daschund ... This is the first sliver of sympathy on my part for the schemers. If they go to jail, who is going to care for the little doggie?

The following 4 bullets are not true and were made up by me...

• The schemers were given very harsh sentences.
• They were all sentenced to 35 years in prison.
• They have to pay back the $500,000 plus interest.
• They have to put the daschund into the Louis Vuitton purse and personally deliver it to Barbara Streisand the day before they report to the hoosegow to begin serving their 35 year sentences.

The following 4 bullets are the actual sentence that was handed down to one of the schemers yesterday...

• She was sentenced to 6 months of home confinement ... No this is not a misprint. She was not sentenced to jail. She has to stay home. (I am sure an exception will be made so that she can go to her Pilates classes).
• This harsh sentence is followed up by 5 whole years of supervised release ... What is that?
• If you think she plead guilty to a whole bunch of charges, you are wrong. She only plead guilty to a single count of Mail Fraud ... I wonder if she was laughing out loud as she told the court, “I plead guilty”.
• Well she certainly had to pay back all that money. Right? Wrong! ... She has to pay back $50,000. That’s quite a bargain! That’s like a mugger saying to a muggee, “Give me that $500,000 in your pocket. What? You only have $50,000? Ok, you owe me $450,000. Here is my address. Bring me $50,000 a week for the next nine weeks.”.

Have you finally come to a full realization why I have no need to make up my Foolishness...Or Is It?. I just have to keep reading my newspaper and I will never run out of silly things to tell you about.

Would I kid u?

Texting While Doing Anything Else

Introduction: This Foolishness...Or Is It? was written last night. This morning’s newspaper tells me that one of the two legislators I had written about has backed off on his proposed legislation (Arkansas). The other is charging ahead (New York). Since he is doing so, this posting is still relevant and certainly ought to be read by all clear thinking Americans.

I have ranted before about those of us (too many of us) texting while driving. We are now passing laws to try to protect the dumb from doing the stupid. Am I not being plain enough? Let me put it this way, texting while driving a moving vehicle is dumb. Those of us who do this are the stupid.

There is an elected official in New York who has proposed legislation to stop us from walking and texting.

I think Walking is not the same as Driving. Can you believe I said that? We have a major epidemic of stupid driving in this country and this legislator is worried about that lady in that shopping mall the other day that walked into a fountain while texting and got wet.

This legislation is in the process of getting Foolish. Here is some of the silliness...

• Anyone walking with two ear pieces in their head (one in each ear) will be considered in violation. A single ear piece is OK.
• This legislation is only proposed to be enforced in cities with a population of 1,000,000 or more.

Now I could stop this Foolishness...Or Is It? right here and now and it would be complete. It has exposed more of the Foolishness that surrounds us all. I could be done... But am I?

I have thought about the above bullets and I wish to expand and clarify...

• What is this about only being an issue in cities of 1,000,000 people and more? Are not those who live in small cities in as much danger as people who live in large cities? Ignoring small town walker’s safety is unconscionable!
• A determination as to what the walker is listening to will have to be made before the Ear Piece Police can swoop in and make the appropriate life-saving arrests...
•    Classical Music is soothing and an aid to concentration while hard rock music is mind muddling and a hindrance to walking. We need only be concerned with hard rock music.
•    What about Talk Radio? Does not opposing opinions cause the Liberal to get excited when he hears Conservative commentary and the Conservative get excited when he hears Liberal commentary? Either opinion contrary to the walker’s strongly held beliefs could contribute to dangerous walking.
•    Obviously our Federal Government is going to have to invest 10 or 20 million dollars to develop Ear Piece Penetrators to ascertain exactly what the Ear Piece Equipped Walkers of America are listening to.
•    Another bunch of millions will have to be invested in Segways for the Ear Piece Police to get around on to do their ear piece penetrating.
•    Actually the Segway expense will have to be doubled so that, once a potential violator is zeroed in on, there may have need for another Segway on the other side of the listener, if the single ear piece is inserted on the opposite side. This increase in expense may cause the provision in the bill for single ear pieces to be scrapped. Our Federal Government certainly would not want to get carried away with this enforcement policy... Or would it?
• As an alternative to Segway Monitoring we could always use our extensive satellite system to monitor walkers. Some may object to this diversion of our satellites to endangered walkers. I am sure that cooler heads will prevail by saying, “The heck with terrorists! This is important!”.
• As is usually the case, there will have to be exemptions. The most obvious and sure to be universally accepted exception will be NBA Basketball Players. These American Tattooed Heroes are always shown walking into the arena before the game with ear phones on their well paid ears. There will certainly be no objections to this exception because they are tall and important and we are neither.

Would I kid u?

At First I Really Panicked!

I saw an Internet Teaser Headline that I thought was really going to capture the attention of all of America but I was wrong. The headline was...

Panda Loses Weight

Because of the obsession we all have for the center attraction of our zoos the Chinese Pandas, I had real fear that this Internet Teaser Headline meant Zing Goo Po (or whatever our Atlanta Panda is named) was ill. Since Pandas have not been known to go on diets, losing weight would surely have to have been the result of some kind of dire illness.

I breathed a sigh of great relief when I read the article and found out that it was a story about a baseball player named Pablo Sandoval (nicknamed “Panda”) who is losing weight for the upcoming baseball season. Google him if you want to learn about his ongoing struggles with his weight. There are lots of articles about him being fat, losing weight, going on a diet, going off a diet, etc.

I know Pablo’s fatness is of great concern to the San Francisco Baseball Fans but a sick Panda anywhere is big and ongoing news in the city in which that particular Panda takes up residence. It has been this way in all of the cities in which I have lived.

If Atlanta’s Panda were ill, we would not have heard anything about the Australian Floods, the Arizona Shooting Aftermath, North Korea’s Bomb, Iran’s Bomb, Brittney Spears and such until that cute little fella was fully recovered.

----------------------------

It’s not just Pandas. In Atlanta we had an obsession with a Gorilla named Willie B. who died in the year 2000. I remember that when he died a radio commentator said the following, “He was a great Ambassador for all of Gorillakind”. You think I made that quote up, don’t you?

Our obsession with Willie B. continued after his passing. In doing my research for this posting, I looked him up in Wikipedia. It was worse than I thought...

• More than 8,000 people attended the memorial ceremony held in his honor.
• The zoo now has a life-size bronze statue of him on permanent display outside the Gorilla exhibit.
• His remains were cremated. 80% of his remains were kept in a bronze box in the bronze statue at Zoo Atlanta and the other 20% were flown back to the African jungle.

You also think I made these 3 bullets up don’t you? When will you learn that I only make things up when it is absolutely necessary? It is not necessary to make up foolishness when foolishness abounds in the world around us.

Would I kid u?

More: If I had any kind of significant city wide readership in Atlanta, do you realize how viciously I would be attacked for having made light of Willie B.? Sort of makes me glad you are the only person reading this Foolishness...Or Is It?.

Still More: Some are being critical of President Obama saying he did not get much of anything out of the visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao. To that insinuation I say Hogwash! Don’t these people read the newspaper? In today’s paper it plainly states that China has granted an extension to the Washington D.C. Zoo to keep their two pandas another 5 years. What more could we ask of a president of these United States?

Eye/Hand Coordination Skills – Good News & Bad News

Dear Reader, through your mind’s eye gaze with me at a very common scene in a modern American household...

• Modern parent is looking at modern child with a puzzled look.
• Modern child is playing video games ... all day long.
• The puzzled modern parent says to the other modern parent of the video game playing modern American child “Is this doing our child any good? Might it not be better if all this effort were devoted toward a text book of some kind?”
• Other parent who is really modern says confidently, “Don’t worry. What you are witnessing is Eye/Hand Coordination Skills being developed to the very highest of levels right before your very puzzled eyes.”
• Puzzled parent says, “Oh, I see.”
• Puzzled parent withholds any further comment for fear of being overheard by the modern child and damaging modern child’s self esteem.

The Good News is there are jobs out there for workers with well developed Eye/Hand Coordination Skills. These trained specialists are being hired by the CIA to Operate Unmanned Aircraft over in the Middle East to blowup bad guys.

The Bad News is America is developing 37,000,000 such highly trained workers and the CIA has 27 positions for such workers.

Would I kid u?

The News Media Will Tell You Darn Near Anything

 

A few people bought my book. Are you one of the few? Buy it here: World's Greatest Bathroom Book ... Or is it?

 

The News Media has no respect for me. They think I will believe anything they report.

I just heard them tell me that Rhode Island had a massive budget deficit.

If they told me that Rhode Island had a mini budget deficit, an itty bitty budget deficit or even a minor budget deficit, I would have believed them in a heartbeat.

I draw the line at this one! Come on News Media, this is little Rhode Island. There is nothing massive about Rhode Island. I just don’t believe ya!

Would I kid u?

I Just Became Rich In 93 Minutes & 1 Second

It came to me in a flash (that’s the 1 second referred to in the subject line above). I then spent 93 minutes calling the heads of the news departments at NBC, CBS, ABC, the AP, Fox, CNN, TNT, Reuters, MSNBC, CNBC and a couple of others. The brilliance of my proposal was seen immediately and was accepted by them as a real concrete way to save a lot of money.

I proposed a substantial remuneration in the form of 5% of all the money my brilliant idea would save them in the next 25 years. They accepted my payment plan as quickly as they had accepted my original money saving idea. That’s it. I am rich!

Did I forget to tell you exactly what was my Brilliant Money Making Money Saving Make Me Rich Idea? I apologize. Here it is in all its brilliant simplicity...

• I was watching the news broadcast on TV today about the floods in Australia.
• I said to myself, “Self, that looks like the pictures of the floods in Iowa last year”.
• That’s when it hit me.
• The news organizations spend millions of dollars every year sending cameramen all over the world to take pictures of one disaster after another.
• The pictures they send back all look the same as the last similar disaster.
• What they need to do is build up a video bank of all the various disasters that we see over and over each night on TV: Floods, Fires, Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Rabbits Attacking Presidents, etc.
• Then when one of these bad things happen again they just go to their computers and pull out a stored video of that particular type of happening and send it out over the airways for all of America to be amazed at or saddened by.
• They have then saved the expense of salary for the travelers, meals, airplane tickets, worn out equipment replacement, shirts and baseball caps with logos on them, etc.
• I get 5% of everything they save.

I just got a phone call I got from a cameraman from NBC. He told me that he was going to sue me. I assumed that he was suing me because he was losing his job. I was surprised when he told me that he was suing me for Nifty Idea Infringement. He said he had been putting my brilliant idea into actual practice for 32 years & I had stolen it from him. My idea was his idea.

I offered him 2% of my 5%. He accepted. Now we are both going to be rich.

Would I kid u?

You Are Right, If You Think...

You Are Right, If You Think ... that I am tired of and don’t quite understand our ongoing fascination with and adoration of...Celebrities (Celebs).

I have vented about this at least once before...
Click here: http://forii.blogtownhall.com/2009/05/18/what%e2%80%99s_wrong_with_us.thtml

My dislike of our obsession with Celebs does see some hope in the future ... Cartoons.

Have you noticed the proliferation of Cartoons in the movie theatres and on television? Cartoons are an expanding entertainment phenomena. They are the wave of the future. What this means to me is that, one day in the not too distant future, Celebs Will Become Extinct.

At present we are told...

• This voice is Tom Hanks.
• That voice is Meryl Streep.
• Tom Cruise is the voice of the wizard with the bad limp.

Can you honestly tell whose voice it really is? I can’t. How long will it be before those Hollywood Big Wigs will say to themselves, “We can save a lot of money by not getting Tom, Meryl or Tom to do these voices in our cartoons. We’ll just go into a nearby Jack in the Box and get a burger seller who can read pretty well. We will save a fortune!”

Yea, I know they call them Animated Features but, whatever they call them, the Big Wigs will save themselves a lot of money and the Scourge of the Celebs just might be on the way out. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Would I kid u?

How Do They Know Before They Know?

My uncanny ability to make things up is finally putting me in good stead (whatever that means).

My wife thinks that one of life’s greatest pleasures is the Morning Newspaper. The other day she asked me to stop and buy the Sunday Morning Newspaper on Saturday Night.

As I handed over my $2 I found myself wondering about how was it possible to buy the Sunday News on Saturday Night? At that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks ... They Make It Up!

I said to myself, “Self, that’s what you do. You have been writing your Foolishness…Or Is It? blog for years. Every time you issue a posting, you make things up” … Or do you?

I called my local paper to offer my services as a News Fabricator of Saturday Night Sunday News and they said they were about to call me and offer me that very same position. They said they had heard of me and had the highest respect for my ability to come up with facts before the facts have, in fact, become facts.

If all goes well this may be the beginning of the end of Foolishness…Or Is It?. In the future I just may be too busy for such silliness… Or will I?

Would I kid u?

Rewriting History … Again

I see where the Governor of New Mexico is hankering (that’s old west talk for yearning to) pardon Billy The Kid. The Smartfella? always finds himself hankering to understand why his fellow man gets himself all tangled up about such things. Such happenings always bring up questions in my puzzled mind…

• Why bother taking the time to hanker to to do it?
• Should not the governor be devoting his time to more pressing issues?

If little Billy is actually pardoned, it seems just as logical to consider other equally silly actions that ought to follow right behind…

• Should we not forgive Ivan the Terrible for being terrible?
• Once little Billy is pardoned should we not then declare that the 21 people he killed did not become dead?
• Should not the descendants who were not born of the 21 people who were not killed then be given compensation for the life that they did not lead?

As an aside…

In doing my extensive research for this Foolishness, I spend 20 minutes reading a site on the Internet about Billy the Kid called Fact vs. Myth. This was, at the same time, very enlightening and confusing. I found out that everything we know about little Billy is not true, starting with He Was Not Little…

• He did not kill 21 people.
• He was not ugly.
• He lived to a ripe old age (probably on a Brussels Sprouts Farm with Butch Cassidy & Elvis).
• He did not have a bad temper.
• He had a good sense of humor.
• He was not a big time cattle rustler.
• He did not join Jesse James’ Gang.
• He did not kill his first man because that man insulted his mother.
• He was not chubby.
• He was not left-handed but was ambidextrous and primarily right-handed.
• He was not illiterate.
• He did not shoot a man in a hotel for snoring too loud. 
• He did not drink too much.

Heck, this guy was a saint! The least the Governor could do would be to change his name to Billy the Adult.

Would I kid u?

Little Spaces Mean A Lot

I recently bought a dress shirt from Wal-Mart that was made in China. It really looks as nice as one of those shirts that cost 5 times as much which is sold in that store that advertises every week on TV. You know the one where you buy sports coat and you get 5 shirts, 3 sweaters, 4 pair of pants and 1 kitchen sink for free.

There is one problem with the shirt. It takes a herculean effort to drive any button on the shirt through to the other side of the hole.

The problem is that there is a severe shortage of Button Hole Space in China. This is the main reason driving China to be so aggressive. They are fully prepared to go to war to acquire more hole space. This, of course, is the primary reason for their current massive military buildup.

If we, as a society, would donate our excess hole space to some international do-good group and have them ship it over to China, they might like us more and we could save a lot of lives in the future.

Or maybe we could just send them a lot of small buttons.

Would I kid u?

Don’t They Have Anything Better To Do?

Is there an answer to the subject question of this Foolishness…Or Is It?  Yes there is an answer. It is a very loud and emphatic, You bet there is!. The problem is I seem to be the only person who knows that answer.

What the heck am I talking about? Again it involves our elected representatives. I hope I’m not getting into a rut here but the Foolishness just keeps flowing out of the Halls Of Congress. Please, allow me to explain…

My research tells me that, during the reign of the Congress that just concluded, our representatives took valuable time to issue hundreds of Congressional Commendations (they do this during the reign of every congress). I tried to research just how many had been promulgated during 2010 but I could not pin it down. A few days ago I heard a Talking Head say that it was 700 but I could not verify that figure on the Internet. Therefore, I will not say it was 700 because, I may be Foolish, but I try to be accurate about my Foolishness. Let’s just say it was a whole bunch.

What I did find out while doing my research was Congress Commended such silly things as (three examples)…

1. A female Little League baseball player who did good.
2. Any number of people whose major accomplishment in life appears to have been that they lived long enough to become old.
3. Acknowledged the man who established the first bakery on Saipan after American troops successfully defeated Japanese forces in 1944.

The problem is the cart is before the horse here. If these Commendations were something that happened at the end of a Congressional Session after all important business had been concluded, I would not have been inspired to concoct this Foolishness. The sad news is we just concluded a congressional Lame Duck Session that was cram packed with really important legislation.

Somewhere back in the prior eleven months that this congress was in session they found time to do umpteen Congressional Commendations. Then at the very end of the session they got around to a whole bunch of the “really important” stuff. This really important stuff was hammered together in a wild, cantankerous, finger pointing filled, up against the Christmas Break and full frenzied couple of weeks.

If you are one who spends his day watching the ESPAN channels and you see a member of our 9% Approval Rating Congress step to the podium and say, “I rise today in recognition of…”, use those words as your signal to take a nap, got to the rest room or go get a beer. If you stay in your chair, you are going to waste your time watching one of our members of congress waste his time.

Would I kid u?

If We Could Get Rid Of This Guy, We Could Afford Anything!

I saw an ad in today’s newspaper for a Hearing Aid Device. Here is what the ad promised:

• You will be able to hear pins drop.
• It is so small it is barely visible.
• It has an Advanced Micro-Chip that gives you remarkable sound quality.
• You will be able to hear every sound loud and clear.
• You will be able to listen to TV and hear everything.
• It is great at the movies and in live theaters.
• You will hear all of nature’s sounds.
• You will be able to participate in conversations without missing a word.
• You will be able to hear what others are saying – even if they are far away.

Does that sound (read) great?

Must cost a fortune! Cost is the reason for this Foolishness…Or Is It?. This wonderful hearing aid cost only $9.95 per ear!

Too hard to believe? The advertiser has a very good explanation why it is so cheap…

“We cut away unnecessary middlemen and sell directly to you.”

There you have it. This is the reason why things cost so much. It is the evil middleman! This dastardly fellow has taken the cost of hearing aids from $9.95 to $3699.99 per ear! That’s quite a markup!

If we could just get our 9% Approval Rating Congress to hold some hearings and pass some laws about this awful situation, we could all be happily watching really inexpensive Big Screen TVs, using I-Thingies of all kinds and feeling the beat of life-saving New Heart Valves for mere pittances.

Would I kid u?

I Get All My “Inspiration” For Blog Postings From The Newspaper … Or Do I?

This time I got my Foolishness from this night’s TV news.

It seems the Senate is wrestling today with an Omnibus Spending Bill that is just under 2,000 pages long.

Remember Obama Care? It was 2,700 pages long.

The Stimulus Bill was more than 1,400 pages long.

I just got the following information online from Political Hotsheet of October 10, 2009… “It should be noted that spending bills routinely exceed 1,000 pages, as do some other bills. President Bush's 2007 budget bill was 1,482 pages long.”

This one is easy…
I propose that our Congress pass and our President sign into law a bill that stipulates that spending bills must be less than 1,000 pages.

Do you think I need be more specific? OK I will be more specific…
I propose that our Congress pass and our President sign into law a bill that stipulates that spending bills must be less than 12 pages long.

Congress might just go for this if the proponents of the 12 Pages & No More Than 12 Pages Bill would point out that bills of this size would ensure that they could all be at Happy Hour when the bell rings … Every Day!

Would I kid u?

Wal-Mart ... Guilty Again

If you read the newspaper on a regular basis you will see many articles that tell you that Wal-Mart is an evil beyond comprehension. Almost every time they want to open a store there are articles about how the new store will be awful for the neighborhood, the environment, the traffic flow, the health care of the employees (especially The Children), the trees, the migration path of the caribou, etc. Then, when the store opens up, it is covered up with shoppers eager to save money.

I am not just pecking this out for finger exercise. I have a solution to propose...

• The federal government ought to take an active roll to minimize the footprint of Wal-Mart.
• Our Government should buy a huge track of land to accommodate all the stores that Wal-Mart will build in the next 50 years.
• Then all of the next 50 years stores could be built in one location.
• I'm certain each of you have already seen the benefit to our society by taking this bold action...

o Only one neighborhood will be negatively affected.

o The environment will only be damaged in one location.

o Traffic patterns will not be disrupted anywhere but this one location.

o The health care of the employees would still be an issue but I have faith that our 9% Approval Rating Congress is chomping at the bit to address this problem because it directly affects The Children of the employees.

o Trees would only have to be removed in this one area and, if we selected a location in the middle of Death Valley, this issue would become mute.

o I also have faith that our 9% Approval Rating Congress could find an area that would not interfere with the migration path of the caribou.

Being as sharp as I know all of you to be, you are probably thinking to yourselves that I have missed out on where the Federal Government will get the money to finance this huge undertaking. I've also have that covered...The Tobacco Tax. This is where Congress already gets a lot of its money.

I do see the fallacy of depending so often on the Tobacco Tax. We, as a society, are smoking less and this tax revenue source is drying up. I propose to counter this decrease in tax revenue by collecting five cent per cigarette from people who used to smoke but are now guilty of trying to smoke less and preventing our rulers from collecting a tax on what they were smoking when they were smoking. Makes sense to me!

Would I kid u?

There Is More To Football Than Big Guys Playing Football Games

I am in the middle of reading the New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton’s book entitled Home Team. While I am enjoying his book greatly, this is not a pitch for you to buy this book. Is a simply a recommendation that you read Chapter 19, Do Good.

Go into your local book store, stand in the aisle and read this single chapter.

It will make you feel better about the world in which you live.

Would I kid u?

Are They Making These Things Up?

I have already written a blog about Exit Polls which questioned how they report such minute detail about how we voted immediately after we voted.

This one is just as silly and just as unbelievable. It’s about Black Friday Shopping Statistics.

                     

A mere two days after we survived Black Friday we are being told…

• Sales were up .3%.
• Total sales were $10,690,000,000 (always amazes me that such reported numbers come out to exact round figures).
• There was a 2.2% increase in Floor Traffic.

Let us think about these numbers a bit…

• Less than 48 hours after we started charging through the doors of retailers all across the good ole USofA they know that we bought $32,070,000 more stuff than the prior year.
• With regard to that $10,690,000,000 total sales figure, please do not lose track of the fact that this is Ten Point Six Nine Thousand Million Dollars.

As for the Floor Traffic… How could they possibly know that there was not a 2.1% or a 2.3% increase in floor traffic but an exact 2.2% increase? I also think this is why the parking lots are so full. There must be a bureaucrat following each one of us in and out of all the stores we trafficked into.

Imagine how we could stimulate the economy if the Numbers Counters would release these Traffic Followers from their assigned duties and told them to go shopping instead of following us around all day.

I want you to know that I did my part to contribute to the total sales of $10,690,000,000. I am now the proud owner of a 50 Pack of CD-R Disks for which I paid $4.99.

Please do not add a comment to this blog posting telling me how proud you are of me for my purchase. I am more than glad to do my part to contribute to our economic recovery during this dire economic situation.

Would I kid u?