All Hail The King Of The Good Ole USofA!

The president is going around making beaucoup (Louisiana talk for Many, Much, Lots) speeches about our economy. I have a brilliant idea about how he could stimulate the economy of the Good Ole USofA but I’m not going to tell him because I am mad at him.

You probably think I am being unpatriotic by keeping my Economic Wisdom to myself but I have good reason to be this way and that’s because I gave him good advice and he has ignored that good advice.

Within days of him being elected in 2008 I sent him a list of perfectly logical ideas that would have made our country a better place to live in but he has not enacted a single one of my very logical recommendations. He has hurt my feelings, and to be quite honest with you, I have lost a lot of faith in his good judgment.

I’ll give you an example of just one of my brilliant ideas...

Make sports teams with the largest amount of tattoos lose every game.

If you wanna see the whole letter, read the Yellow below. If you remember every word because you have read the list over and over since its publication, skip over the yellow below and continue on with today’s Foolishness which follows...

Dear Mr. New President

Please take into consideration the pressing issues I am directing to your attention by way of this communication…

• Tattoos … Make sports teams with the largest amount of tattoos lose every game.
• Tattoos Again … Until you get legislation passed regarding my tattoo request above, please electronically put those smudges that hide the faces of criminals on the nightly news over all of their tattoos.
• Radio & TV … Require that the announcers on all commercials stop shouting at the American People.
• RAP Artists … Require that they get real names and learn how to spell.
• Handicapped Parking Spots … Require that anyone who parks in a handicapped parking space, that is not handicapped, become handicapped.
• Postal Service … Require that the Counter Agents at the Post Offices smile once an hour.
• Postal Service, Again … Require that Counter Agents not go on break as soon as the number of people waiting in line gets to six.
• Privacy Notices … Stop sending those Privacy Notices every time we turn around and have the heads examined of the three people in the United States who actually do read them.
• Dumb White Guys … Stop TV commercial makers from always depicting the White Males as ignorant buffoons. I find it unrealistic and insulting that we have to always be instructed how to do anything and everything by every other type of species on the planet. This includes other men, women, children and talking animals.
• SUV Drivers … Those SUV Drivers that can't seem to fit their vehicles within the lines of their respective parking spaces should have their SUV taken away and replaced with a Yugo.

Mr. President, I am well aware that you may have one or two more pressing issues on your plate than some of my requests. I trust that you will do your best to get right on what I am asking of you because, I am equally certain, you can see that the need for action on each of these pressing issues is self-evident.
Please do instruct your Chief Of Staff to advise me once these ten have been addressed and I will send you some more.
Would I kid u?

Today’s Brilliant Idea...

My TV told me that last week in Great Britain the celebration that followed the birth of their new prince George Alexander (cuz he was born on the Smartfella’s birthday) Louis resulted in the consumption of $95 Million of Alcohol. That’s a lot of stimulation to the British Economy!

The Talking Head that informed me of the above fact went on to say that there are 55 Million British Type People. In contrast there are over 300 Million Americans. This means, if we had had a baby prince born last week like they had a baby prince born last week, we would have consumed over $500 Million in Alcohol Sales. What a boon to our struggling economy this would have been!

In order to stimulate our economy we ought to get ourselves a King and a very fertile Queen as soon as possible. We ought to not assign them any responsibilities other than the production of little Princes and Princesses.

Imagine more than $500 Million in economic stimulation every 9 months and 3 days! This by itself could turn around our dire economic situation all by itself.

I wonder if our president has any ideas about who should be our first king.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

LiveJournal Tags: King,Prince,George Alexander Louis

I Must Be Getting Old Because Some Things I Understand & Some Things Are Beyond Me

I used to understand everything because everything used to be logical. I can follow logic.

I always thought that if a person killed someone, and everyone knew he killed that someone, he would be put on trial and he would get the death penalty. I do understand that “would get the death penalty” has been changed to “may get the death penalty”. This “would” vs. “may” conundrum is not the reason for my confusion.

It’s the proceedings in the James “Whitey” Bulger trial that has me so baffled. This trial has taught all of us that, if a person kills 10 people, he will not get the death penalty.

Here is a quote from my newspaper...

“A former top henchman of James “Whitey” Bulger said he pleaded guilty to 10 murders so he could avoid the death penalty”.

This makes the Smartfella wonder, if he had killed more than 10 people, would he have been given a Letter of Commendation?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(182)

Technorati Tags: Bulger,Death Penalty,Murder

Obviously The Obvious Is Not Obvious

My newspaper tells me...

“In the next phase of the case, the city must prove that it is insolvent.”

If my trusty newspaper were talking about any other city I would understand the need to jump through this Legal Hoop but my newspaper is talking about Detroit!

Detroit is Insolvent and its Insolvency ought to be obvious.

What’s next?...

• Your honor, it is incumbent upon this rotting body on the floor of this courtroom to prove it is dead before the court can proceed with any action against my client.
• Your honor, I acknowledge that the deceased jumped off that 14 story building. I will grant the court that he did this in front of 7 witnesses. It is well known that he tweeted the 7 witnesses asking them to be present to observe his fall from life. I have seen the certified letter he had in his pocket as he fell in which he had written in his own hand, “I want to die”. What I do not see is any evidence that he committed suicide.
• Your honor, simply because the Federal Government’s latest Form 1040 has been shortened to 2 lines, “How Much Did You Make Last Year” and “Send It In”, does not mean we ought to jump to the conclusion that our government wants all of our money.

It just may be that our Judicial System will be able to forgo any further legal haggling over whether or not Detroit is Insolvent by looking into any of the Online Dictionaries which now have a little picture of the Detroit Skyline next to... “Insolvent” and “Bankrupt”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

43 Things Tags: Detroit,Bankrupt,Form 1040,Insolvent

Do Jackasses Wear Horse Shoes?

If Jackasses do wear the same kind of shoes as horses do, then there is a lot of work for The Detroit Water Department’s Horseshoer.

(I’m giving 3 links to assure you that I did not make this up.)

Click Here: http://www.michigancapitolconfidential.com/17404

or

http://now.msn.com/the-city-of-detroit-still-has-a-horseshoer-on-staff

or

http://jonathanturley.org/2012/08/21/detroit-continues-to-maintain-horseshoer-despite-the-absence-of-horses/

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

IceRocket Tags: Detroit,Horseshoer

A Perfectly Appropriate Name For The Prince

The above picture is entitled, “You Named Me What?”

(Yes, my son, your name is, “What?”)

We are all well aware of the fact that some of us (or should I say some of them?) have been choosing Unusual (to say the least) Baby Names.

Celebrities seem to have a particular need to do this to their newly born offspring...

• Kayne West & Kim Kardashian recently named their child “North”. We all should have seen it coming... “North West”.
• Others to admire... Yoda, Hailo, Lizbeth, Poppy, Memphis, Breccan, Snow, Beautyful, Goodness, Ikea, Money, Pryce, Carrion (Nicknamed Roadkill), Emporer, Handsome, Harshit & Harshita, Maximum, Messer, Rage, Vader, Suri (Tom Cruise) You get it?…Suri Cruise , Jermajesty, Rainbow, Audio Science, Kyd, Moon Unit, Pilot Inspektor, Moxie Crimefighter, Rocket & Finally Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson (this one gets the prestigious Mouthful Award).

This name I am hereby proposing is perfectly appropriate for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s baby boy born yesterday. Yes they are Celebrities but they are Royal Celebrities and that makes them smarter than the average Hollywood Celebrity, does it not?

The more I think about my name for Baby Cambridge the more confident I am that this is the name that they will choose...

Union Jack

See, I told you it was perfect!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Boy! When I finished with this one my Spell Checker was Smoking.

del.icio.us Tags: Prince,British Heir,Kate,William,Unusual Baby Names

How Do “They” Know That? (Part Next)

They are at it again. They are feeding us alarming statistics. They are getting us upset by warning us about darn near everything you can imagine. As when I wrote Part 1, the question still is, are they making these shocking, interesting, gargantuan numbers up?
The other day I caught myself in the beginning of a panic and got control of my senses. I said to myself, “Self, calm down. It is not possible that they can know what they say they know”.
Here are a few fine examples of things that they say I ought to be worried about...

• My TV recently told me that every year Domestic Cats kill 12.3 Billion Mammals. We think of these little fuzzy friends as harmless but it appears the nights are alive with the dying gasps of the likes of Rodents, Chipmunks, Squirrels, Birds, etc. To show you how gullible they think we are, they even get very specific about Birds by saying that 2.4 Billion of the 12.3 Billion are Birds. Come to think of it, I have noticed a marked decline of the Etceteras in my neighborhood in recent years.
• We are all more than well aware that Egyptians gets upset about lots of things. When they get upset they take to the streets and shout about what they are upset about. I accept the fact that they take to the streets and shout but what I find hard to accept is my TV telling me that 8 million of them recently took to the streets against their President Morsi the First. How did they know that it was 8 Million? Did it take 12 million Official Egyptian Counters to count up to 8 million Shouting-In-The-Streets Egyptians?
• Just the other day my radio told me that 100 Million Wildlife Animals are killed each year illegally. As with the Egyptian Counters, the only way they could know this is to have Official American Poaching Counters hidden all over the Good Ole USofA counting the dying Wildlife as they fall. Can you imagine how high the Unemployment Rate in this Country would be if all these counters (disguised as bushes) were not employed by the Federal Government?

Could it possibly be that they are lying to us about all these Exacting Humongous Numbers? I could easily believe that the Egyptians were lying to us. What you will never get me to believe is our Federal Government was lying to us.
Would I kid u?
Smartfella
(450)
Lagniappe: In case you have not had enough of me, you can go to the URL below and read How Do They Know That? (Part 1)... http://forii.blogspot.com/2009/11/how-do-they-know-that.html

Flickr Tags: Egyptians,Morsi,poaching,wildlife

What A Relief! I Now Know What I Am Going To Do With The Rest Of My Life.

I have achieved inner peace. From now on I’m going to search the Internet and Copy & Paste Zimmerman Headlines, put them into a listing and email them to you.

Here is the first installment...

• Did the forensics lie in the Zimmerman trial?
• The winds may be shifting in the Zimmerman verdict
• NAACP's Hilary Shelton reacts to Zimmerman acquittal
• Department of Justice at 'dead end' in Zimmerman case?
• George Zimmerman's Acquittal: Four Blunt Observations
• Prominent Black Feminist Author Compares George Zimmerman to Che Guevara’s Killer
• Was Nancy Grace's George Zimmerman comment racist?
• George Zimmerman's Attorney and Friend Speak Out
• Why 'Kill George Zimmerman' Facebook Pages Still Exist
• Zimmerman is a city in Sherburne County, Minnesota, United States.
• DOJ to Sanford, Fla. police: Hold on to Zimmerman evidence
• Zimmerman Trial: $33,000 spent on sequestered jurors
• New Black Panthers Offer $10K For George Zimmerman Capture
• Ted Nugent Wants George Zimmerman To Sue Trayvon Martin’s Parents
• George Zimmerman, Son of a Retired Judge, Has 3 Closed Arrests
• Zimmerman Medical Report Shows Broken Nose, Lacerations After Trayvon Martin Shooting
• In the George Zimmerman case, the jury has spoken
• George Zimmerman's brother apologizes for offensive tweets
• George Zimmerman was 'justified' in shooting Trayvon Martin, juror says
• Zimmerman's Parents in Hiding from 'Enormous Amount of Death Threats
• Jimmy Carter: George Zimmerman Jury 'Made The Right Decision'

Actually this Zimmerman Guy has been up to no good a lot longer than you think. This may have been the beginning of his troublemaking but I’m not sure if it was or not...

The Zimmermann Telegram (or Zimmermann Note) was a 1917 diplomatic proposal from the German Empire for Mexico to join the Central Powers, in the event of the United States entering World War I on the side of the Entente Powers. The proposal was intercepted and decoded by British intelligence. Revelation of the contents outraged American public opinion and helped generate support for the United States declaration of war on Germany.

That’s enough. I have decided that this is not a good idea. I am going to do something more useful. I am going to Watch Paint Dry.

That may not sound like a good way to spend the rest of my life to you. Actually it isn’t bad. One day the paint will be dry and I can stop watching it. The Zimmerman Headlines show every sign of Never Drying Up.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

LiveJournal Tags: George Zimmerman

Violence Erupts In Egypt

Of course there is violence in Egypt. Is there an Egypt? Is it new day? Ergo violence is erupting in Egypt.

My TV shows pictures of Egyptians throwing Rocks at everything you can imagine. The prior sentence holds the crux of the problem.

As usual, I don’t just weep and gnash my teeth. I have a fix for the problem…

There are two elements that, as long as they exist, the Egyptian Violence Problem will never go away. One is Ignorant People and the other is Rocks. Take away either one of them and the problem goes away.

However, only one of them is something that can be controlled. Since there is no way to get rid of Ignorance in Egypt, I recommend that Egypt get rid of all their Rocks.

Piece of cake... Problem solved.

I told you I have a way of seeing through to the essential elements of thorny issues.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Somebody Had To Do Something!

What a relief! What I am about to relay to you is a very unsettling situation which has reached epidemic proportions.

I was in my gym the other day when I took note of a lot of commotion in a corner of the floor exercise area. What I saw happening there was a great relief to me because it is something I have been worried about for some time now.

It was an exercise class for women that concentrated exclusively on exercises to strengthen their Neck Muscles. I know you have noticed this unsettling phenomenon yourself...

• Every time you stop for a traffic light you are sure to see the women in the cars around you looking down at the bottom of the steering wheel.
• They absolutely cannot hold their heads up!
• They know they are in trouble because, when it gets near to the time that the light is about to change, they valiantly try to pick their heads up but their neck muscles cannot rise to the task and their heads fall down again.
• Many times the cars behind them have to blow their horns to get them moving.
• In the most severe cases of Weak Neck Muscle Syndrome (WNMS) you will see their heads fall again while they are actually moving forward.

This is an awful dangerous situation and has caused quite a few accidents throughout the Good Ole USofA.

Don’t get mad at me because I have pointed out this situation and have zeroed in on only women having WNMS. Many of you will get real excited and accuse me of being ignorant of the modern widely accepted contention that men and women are equal in all respects both physical and mental.

I must stand my ground on this one because it has been proven that men have stronger neck muscles because they are always turning them left and right while driving looking for where they can stop and buy beer. That is an excellent neck muscle strengthening exercise which prevents WNMS for rearing its ugly head in the male of the species.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Technorati Tags: Texting,Texting while driving,Epidemic

Now You See Him ... Now You Don’t ... Or Do You Don’t?

My newspaper now is telling us all that there really is an Edward Snowden. He has surfaced and has said he wants to temporarily be allowed to stay in Russia before being mysteriously swished off to somewhere else. It looks like he is going to be in the news for a long time to come.

Personally the Smartfella is relieved. As long as Snowden is out there doing whatever he does while he is out there, we are not being subjected to the comings and goings of Lindsey Lohan.

Until Snowden resurfaced this (below) is what the Smartfella was thinking as he tried to conjure up a Blog Posting about him. As you read through my musings you will see that some of my past concerns are still valid…

News reports kept saying Snowden was actually somewhere. They repeatedly said things like, “He is believed to be holed up in a Transit Lounge at a Moscow Airport”.

Did you notice the big word in the above paragraph? I’m sure you did. It’s the word “a”. “A” is the Indefinite Article and its use by our intrepid reporters meant they were not even sure which airport he was hiding in.

I kept wondering why was it that we did we not have pictures of him in an airport? In our Smartphone Camera World we have pictures of anything and everything as soon as anything or everything happens…

If you set your alarm for 3am and went out into the middle of the street in front of your house on a moonless night and dropped your pants and Mooned the Missing Moon, there would be pictures of you Mooning the Missing Moon on the Internet within 3 minutes.

There were lots of other unanswered questions about Snowden...

1. Where is he sleeping?
2. Is he curled up on the floor in the corner of a lounge?
3. Is he making other lounge visitors/residents mad because he is taking up more space than he should because he is stretched out over two chairs?
4. Where does he brush his teeth?
5. Is he surviving on a diet of those little Gold Fish Crackers?
6. If he is required to buy his own Gold Fish Crackers, where does he get the money to buy those little fellows?

Now you see that what I said about unanswered questions was true. My own opinion is Snowden is furiously working on a book that will be entitled, Wasting Time or How I Made the Entire World Speculate Incessantly About Me While I was Munching on Gold Fish Crackers in an Unnamed Moscow Airport Lounge.

I can’t believe I wrote this blog posting. You can’t believe you read this blog posting. If you are unhappy that you took the time to read this one, go back to the top and not read what you just read.

All of this makes one wonder what Lindsey Lohan is doing.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

BuzzNet Tags: Lindsey Lohan,Edward Snowden

Your Attention, Please! It Is Time For The News!

News broadcasts constantly have scrolls and/or flashing signs during Television News Shows that alert us to the fact that what we are being subjected to is extremely important.

The screen is alive with the words “Breaking News!” or we see “News Alert!” flashing in the lower right hand corner of the screen as they shout at us the momentous details of what we ought to be worried about at this very moment.

Do our schools not teach the story about The Boy Who Cried Wolf any longer?

I knew for certain that all this hysteria has gone too far last night as I was watching the Weather Report. There was my Weatherman telling me I ought not to go outside because of the Extreme Drizzle that was currently descending upon us all.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

43 Things Tags: News Broadcasts,News Alert,Breaking News

Jack Nicholson Is The One & Only...Or Is He?

Some lines from movies will live forever...

• Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” Gone With The Wind
• Dorothy: “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” Wizard of Oz
• Shane: I've heard about you Wilson. Wilson: What have you heard? Shane: I've heard you're a damn Yankee liar! Shane

Some would say that no one but Jack Nicholson could have delivered the line in A Few Good Men...”You can’t handle the truth!” I am prompted to disagree now that I have read a darn good imitation of Jack’s quote in Eugene Robinson’s article in my newspaper the other day. Below are the first two paragraphs which set the tone of the article...

“I don’t believe government officials when they say the National Security Agency’s (NSA) surveillance programs do not invade our privacy. The record suggests that you shouldn’t believe them, either.

It pains me to sound like some Rand Paul acolyte. I promise I’m not wearing a tinfoil hat or scanning the leaden sky for black helicopters. I just wish our government would start treating us like adults — more important, like participants in a democracy — and stop lying. We can handle the truth.” (The underlining is mine.)

(In case you don’t know about Eugene Robinson’s political leanings, he is of the Liberal Persuasion.)

This is serious stuff. If you have been busy reading OMG! and keeping up on what Celebrities are doing for us, or to us, you might ought to start getting concerned about what’s happening in our country.

If you want to read Mr. Robinson’s entire article, click below...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/eugene-robinson-we-can-handle-the-truth-on-nsa-spying/2013/07/04/76ef2c92-e408-11e2-a11e-c2ea876a8f30_story.html

If you did take the time to read the article, and you are like me, you found yourself staring in wide-eyed disbelief at two words that Mr. Clapper uttered ... “least untruthful”. Wow!

It appears he actually sees a fine line of distinction here. He was contending he was not lying because he was merely being “least untruthful”. I wonder if he also crossed his fingers as he was not lying to us.

It looks like our Director of National Intelligence said to himself...

Damn! This guy is demanding the toto truth. I don’t wanna be called a Damn Yankee Liar. On the other hand I could always claim that it was simply “A failure to communicate” Cool Hand Luke.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I’m sorry to say that my reference to OMG! and Celebrities above may have started some of you salivating about what Celebrities are up to. Here is the kind of thing people of your ilk (I just love the word “ilk”) are spending your time devouring...

For her second walk down the aisle, Jennifer Aniston is taking a much more laid-back approach. While her $1 million wedding to Brad Pitt in 2000 had much fanfare (200 guests, fireworks, and a 40-piece gospel choir!), this time around she’s planning a more intimate affair.

Teen dream Justin Bieber, 18, has taken a cue from his mentor Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg, and dared to bare his abs (and the briefs peeking out from his jeans) during a concert at NYC's Madison Square Garden on Thursday.

Katie Holmes celebrated what would have been her sixth anniversary of being Mrs. Tom Cruise on Sunday with her best souvenir from the five-year marriage: her daughter Suri. The duo was spotted riding the subway in New York City.

Clint Eastwood just came into my computer room and said this about you, “Did you just make their day?” Sudden Impact

IceRocket Tags: Jack Nicholson,Rhett Butler,Dorothy,Wizard of Oz,Shane,NSA,Clint Eastwood,You Can't Handle The Truth,Eugene Robinson,OMG!,Cool Hand Luke

TV vs. Hollywood...No Contest

I am in the process of watching The Tudors on my Kindle Fire. It is turning out to be a very entertaining and educational experience. This is the kind of thing that we once looked to Hollywood to bring to us but not anymore.
The Tudors is the story of King Henry VIII starting from when he was a young man and still married to his first wife, Catherine of Aragon. It is a major production that is 38 hours long. It is beautifully done and is historically accurate (I hope).
I do wish it were not so sexually explicit. There are parts where it is downright nasty. (This means I can’t recommend it to my grandchildren in the hope they will begin to find history as interesting as I do.) I’ve seen nasty in my life but I find myself wishing they would have gotten Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn, Doris Day, Audrey Hepburn, Ethel Barrymore, Barbara Billingsley, Harriett Nelson to star in it and, when the nasty part started getting nasty, the camera would move away and your nasty imagination would have been allowed to take over.
The real interesting part is all this quality movie making is brought to us by the Television Industry. You may want to come to the defense of Hollywood and tell the Smartfella that Hollywood could do this kind of good stuff also. The operative word in your defense of Hollywood would be “could”.
They could but they don’t because they are too busy bringing us Car Chases, Machine Guns, Machine Men, Comic Book Characters, Car Chases, Sex, Hollywood Celebrities Standing On Red Carpets Looking Stiff (so we can adore them and their clothing) and (did I forget to mention?) Car Chases.
If they insist on having all those machine guns shooting all those bullets, at least they ought to teach the shooters how to shoot. The Hits to Bullets Shot Ratio is about as low as the Worthwhile Historical Content to Trash Ratio of these productions.
The more things change, the more they stay the same…

When I was a child I paid 12 cents to get into the Carrolton Theatre and I got a full 12 cents worth of entertainment. Today I still get a full 12 cents worth of entertainment when I go to see one of these Hollywood “Blockbusters”.

Would I kid u?
Smartfella

del.icio.us Tags: Hollywood,The Tudors,Henry VIII