Fat Thieves Are Now A World-Wide Concern

The profession of Thievery has a real problem. They are all getting fat.

There was a time when thieves would put on their masks and go out to commit crimes. They had to run from the police. They had to jump over fences. They had to do a lot of crouching down low and sneaking around.

All this physical activity led to a healthy lifestyle that resulted in our thieves being a very fit lot. In fact, they never went to a gym at all unless they went there to burglarize it.

Now they just sit at their computers and create scam emails, send them out and wait for the money to come rolling in. It is hard for many people to resist a plea for money from a Kazakhstanian who has a child born with no hands who stutters and has one functioning kidney that is on the verge of failing because Kazakhstan’s drinking water is saturated with quitanian crystals from the BP Oil Spill.

It has been reported that Mayor Bloomberg recently received one of these email solicitations for donations and he became very alarmed.

Actually he is not concerned about the child’s kidney problem. He became alarmed when an aide told him about the weight problem of the scammers.

He immediately called his advisors into emergency session to formulate a plan of action to reduce scammers’ weight in New York City and is hoping that the world will follow his lead.

My sources tell me that he and his advisors have zeroed in on the sugary cup size ordered by scammers in NYC’s fast food restaurants. At this time they have all agreed that scammers will be required to show their Internet Scammer/Thief Association Membership Card and then they will be limited to a 2 ounce cup.

That ought to do it. What clear thinking person could object to this approach?

Would I kid u?