If We Could Get Rid Of This Guy, We Could Afford Anything!

I saw an ad in today’s newspaper for a Hearing Aid Device. Here is what the ad promised:

• You will be able to hear pins drop.
• It is so small it is barely visible.
• It has an Advanced Micro-Chip that gives you remarkable sound quality.
• You will be able to hear every sound loud and clear.
• You will be able to listen to TV and hear everything.
• It is great at the movies and in live theaters.
• You will hear all of nature’s sounds.
• You will be able to participate in conversations without missing a word.
• You will be able to hear what others are saying – even if they are far away.

Does that sound (read) great?

Must cost a fortune! Cost is the reason for this Foolishness…Or Is It?. This wonderful hearing aid cost only $9.95 per ear!

Too hard to believe? The advertiser has a very good explanation why it is so cheap…

“We cut away unnecessary middlemen and sell directly to you.”

There you have it. This is the reason why things cost so much. It is the evil middleman! This dastardly fellow has taken the cost of hearing aids from $9.95 to $3699.99 per ear! That’s quite a markup!

If we could just get our 9% Approval Rating Congress to hold some hearings and pass some laws about this awful situation, we could all be happily watching really inexpensive Big Screen TVs, using I-Thingies of all kinds and feeling the beat of life-saving New Heart Valves for mere pittances.

Would I kid u?

I Get All My “Inspiration” For Blog Postings From The Newspaper … Or Do I?

This time I got my Foolishness from this night’s TV news.

It seems the Senate is wrestling today with an Omnibus Spending Bill that is just under 2,000 pages long.

Remember Obama Care? It was 2,700 pages long.

The Stimulus Bill was more than 1,400 pages long.

I just got the following information online from Political Hotsheet of October 10, 2009… “It should be noted that spending bills routinely exceed 1,000 pages, as do some other bills. President Bush's 2007 budget bill was 1,482 pages long.”

This one is easy…
I propose that our Congress pass and our President sign into law a bill that stipulates that spending bills must be less than 1,000 pages.

Do you think I need be more specific? OK I will be more specific…
I propose that our Congress pass and our President sign into law a bill that stipulates that spending bills must be less than 12 pages long.

Congress might just go for this if the proponents of the 12 Pages & No More Than 12 Pages Bill would point out that bills of this size would ensure that they could all be at Happy Hour when the bell rings … Every Day!

Would I kid u?

Wal-Mart ... Guilty Again

If you read the newspaper on a regular basis you will see many articles that tell you that Wal-Mart is an evil beyond comprehension. Almost every time they want to open a store there are articles about how the new store will be awful for the neighborhood, the environment, the traffic flow, the health care of the employees (especially The Children), the trees, the migration path of the caribou, etc. Then, when the store opens up, it is covered up with shoppers eager to save money.

I am not just pecking this out for finger exercise. I have a solution to propose...

• The federal government ought to take an active roll to minimize the footprint of Wal-Mart.
• Our Government should buy a huge track of land to accommodate all the stores that Wal-Mart will build in the next 50 years.
• Then all of the next 50 years stores could be built in one location.
• I'm certain each of you have already seen the benefit to our society by taking this bold action...

o Only one neighborhood will be negatively affected.

o The environment will only be damaged in one location.

o Traffic patterns will not be disrupted anywhere but this one location.

o The health care of the employees would still be an issue but I have faith that our 9% Approval Rating Congress is chomping at the bit to address this problem because it directly affects The Children of the employees.

o Trees would only have to be removed in this one area and, if we selected a location in the middle of Death Valley, this issue would become mute.

o I also have faith that our 9% Approval Rating Congress could find an area that would not interfere with the migration path of the caribou.

Being as sharp as I know all of you to be, you are probably thinking to yourselves that I have missed out on where the Federal Government will get the money to finance this huge undertaking. I've also have that covered...The Tobacco Tax. This is where Congress already gets a lot of its money.

I do see the fallacy of depending so often on the Tobacco Tax. We, as a society, are smoking less and this tax revenue source is drying up. I propose to counter this decrease in tax revenue by collecting five cent per cigarette from people who used to smoke but are now guilty of trying to smoke less and preventing our rulers from collecting a tax on what they were smoking when they were smoking. Makes sense to me!

Would I kid u?

There Is More To Football Than Big Guys Playing Football Games

I am in the middle of reading the New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton’s book entitled Home Team. While I am enjoying his book greatly, this is not a pitch for you to buy this book. Is a simply a recommendation that you read Chapter 19, Do Good.

Go into your local book store, stand in the aisle and read this single chapter.

It will make you feel better about the world in which you live.

Would I kid u?

Are They Making These Things Up?

I have already written a blog about Exit Polls which questioned how they report such minute detail about how we voted immediately after we voted.

This one is just as silly and just as unbelievable. It’s about Black Friday Shopping Statistics.

                     

A mere two days after we survived Black Friday we are being told…

• Sales were up .3%.
• Total sales were $10,690,000,000 (always amazes me that such reported numbers come out to exact round figures).
• There was a 2.2% increase in Floor Traffic.

Let us think about these numbers a bit…

• Less than 48 hours after we started charging through the doors of retailers all across the good ole USofA they know that we bought $32,070,000 more stuff than the prior year.
• With regard to that $10,690,000,000 total sales figure, please do not lose track of the fact that this is Ten Point Six Nine Thousand Million Dollars.

As for the Floor Traffic… How could they possibly know that there was not a 2.1% or a 2.3% increase in floor traffic but an exact 2.2% increase? I also think this is why the parking lots are so full. There must be a bureaucrat following each one of us in and out of all the stores we trafficked into.

Imagine how we could stimulate the economy if the Numbers Counters would release these Traffic Followers from their assigned duties and told them to go shopping instead of following us around all day.

I want you to know that I did my part to contribute to the total sales of $10,690,000,000. I am now the proud owner of a 50 Pack of CD-R Disks for which I paid $4.99.

Please do not add a comment to this blog posting telling me how proud you are of me for my purchase. I am more than glad to do my part to contribute to our economic recovery during this dire economic situation.

Would I kid u?

Safe, Secure And Protected From Everything

It gives me a great sense of security to know that “they” are looking out for me at all times. On the other hand, there are times that I wish “they” would leave me to my own devices (whatever that means).

The other day I was sitting in a nice quiet restaurant waiting for my nice quiet lunch to arrive and I took note of the following...

Contents Under Pressure, bottle may burst or cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Be sure to always point away from face and people, especially while opening.

I have never been attacked by a soda pop bottle and now that I have wasted my time reading this warning you can bet I will never be attacked by a soda pop bottle in the future.

----------------------------

It was many years ago as I was assembling a bicycle on Christmas Eve when I first became aware that “they” were looking out for me (and my son).

I had just laid out all the parts on the floor. There were about 50 parts to be assembled into what was to become my son’s new bicycle. I opened up the instructions and the first two entries on the Assembly List were the following warnings...

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF MY CREATIVE FOOLISHNESS.

Warning #1... This product must be assembled by a competent person.
I looked behind myself and found no one back there, so I went ahead with my project.

Warning #2... This product must be assembled before use.
Having already laid out the 50 parts, I already knew that they had to be assembled.

----------------------------

Are you ready? Here comes the official start of my Creative Foolishness...

Nerf Balls were invented to keep our little ones from hurting themselves (bent fingers, black eyes, broken finger nails, bruised chest tissue, etc.). The question facing us today is... Is there still child endangerment lurking in Nerf Balls?

Is it not possible that a little American could get his family scissors and cut the Nerf Ball into pieces small enough that he could try to eat the little tasty looking nerf ball pieces and get them caught in his little throat and choke his little self to death?

The way I see it the Little People Protection Association of America* (LPPAA) ought to organize a nationwide effort to get all Nerf Balls removed from harm’s way. In every home they ought to be placed on a high shelf out of reach from small people. Then and only then will our little ones be Safe, Secure and Protected.

Will little Americans miss their Nerf Balls? I’m sure they will but this action is being recommended for their own good.

In the future, the fathers of America can periodically lift up their children and let them gaze upon the Family’s Nerf Ball. As a matter of fact, Child Lifting to allow Child Gazing ought to be a Federal Law. That ought to do it.

Would I kid u?
* The LPPAA National Convention is held every year in Las Vegas on the first weekend of July. Free admission can be obtained by bringing a dangerous child toy for analysis by the Top Shelf Committee.

I’m Determined To Worry About Something Else

We all know that we are required by Federal Law to worry about lots of different things. There is some speculation inside the Beltway that this Federal Law does allow us to select what we worry about. Others say that we do not have this prerogative and we do, in fact, have to worry about everything… Or do we?

The latest big worry that has been directed my way is…

There Is Lead In Some Reusable Cloth Bags

“TAMPA TRIBUNE November 19, 2010- Besides causing learning disabilities in children, the toxic chemical lead is especially good at making green inks look greener and yellow inks yellower.

That's the most likely reason why recent tests commissioned by The Tampa Tribune found elevated lead levels in elaborately decorated grocery bags sold at Winn-Dixie and Publix, according to executives in the promotional merchandise manufacturing industry.”

Now I probably do not know what I am talking about (so what’s new?) but I have decided that this is one worrisome thing that I am not going to worry about…

• The amount of time that my cantaloupe is going to spend in my Elaborately Decorated Reusable Cloth Bag is probably about 20 minutes (time it takes to drive home from the grocery store).
• In my uninformed opinion, I believe that it will take a lot longer than 20 minutes for those evil thingies inside that leaded bag to leach into my unsuspecting piece of fruit.
• My uninformed and Foolish opinion goes a bit further and says that it would probably take about 52 years of being wrapped up in my Elaborately Decorated Reusable Cloth Bag for my cantaloupe's skin to be penetrated.

OK, I got carried away in my third bullet above… Or did I?

Would I kid u?

Donuts Or Christmas – They Are Very Much Alike

It was fun to watch that old Dunkin Donuts Commercial where the chubby, bleary-eyed man stumbles out of his bedroom and, while wiping his eyes, he says, “Time To Make The Donuts”.

The same thing happens every year with the Christmas Shopping Season. The people who feed us our thoughts have in their word processors articles that predict for us every year how bad the Christmas Shopping Season is going to be. They just change a few “facts” in the article and change the date and publish it to us and there you have it, We Are All Worried About How Bad It Is Going To Be...again

We worry about...

• Do we have a personal obligation to spend more money than we thought we were going to spend or even more than we have in order to keep the economy going?
• These articles cause us to be greatly concerned about the children of the Christmas Retailers who depend so much on the Christmas Buying Frenzy for their continuing ability to buy stuff for themselves.
• If there really is a Santa Claus, how could he allow this to happen?

Then Christmas comes and goes (it does this every year) and, if (as so often happens) the Christmas Shopping Season turned out to be not as bad as predicted or absolutely bonkers good, we read about it on Page 42 of Section C of our newspaper.

Would I kid u?

Already Been Worn Out Jeans For Sale

My wife used to have a part-time job at Bloomingdale's Department Store. One time when I went to pick her up my confusion about the world I live in went up another notch or two.

Image via Wikipedia 

When I was a small person, my mother would periodically send me down to Weinstein's Department Store to buy a replacement pair of Blue Jeans. This was not a big department store but a small family owned neighborhood establishment. She would give me a $5 bill to make my purchase. I would pay Mr. Weinstein $3.47. After I had completed my purchase, I would worry my little self all the way home. My concern was, if I kept throwing money around like this, would my parents be able to make ends meet.

When I returned home with my new pair of Levis my mother was always expectant (expecting the change).

Why was I throwing my mother’s money around like that? It was because my present pair of jeans was worn out, had holes in them and they just looked terrible.

At Bloomingdale’s that day I saw numerous pairs of jeans on display that looked like those I had replaced when I was a kid. They were worn out looking, faded, frayed and had lots of holes in them. It looked like they had been recycled from Mr. Weinstein's trash dumpster behind his store.

They had been, of course, made to look old but they were new. The most shocking part is they did not cost $3.47. These jeans cost $260. Why do they cost $260? Is this high price because the manufacturer had to pay some Chinaman to wear them for two years to make them ready for sale to trendy Americans?

Something is wrong here. Wine and Tabasco Sauce have to be aged before those products are ready for sale. This may be the same principle. These jeans are “aged”.

The line above could very well be the end of this foolishness but the silliness is going to go on a wee bit more.

Yesterday’s newspaper ads tell me that trendy (trendy = silly) Americans are handing over their money for the likes of:

• Bikini swim suit top for $265 and bottom for $135 (total $400). If the manufacturer would beat the suit with a hammer and rip some holes in them with a pitch fork, they could really charge a lot.
• A Rag & Bone (whatever that is) Sweater for $425. Mr. Weinstein sold the likes of them for $8.95 plus tax.
• A Yacht Club Chronograph for $23,100. It looks a lot like the $14 Timex on my arm at this moment.

All these products above are, of course, a much higher quality than those that were for sale at Weinstein’s and Woolworth’s 5 & 10 Cents Store… Or are they?

Would I kid u?

Accidents Happen ... Or At Least They Used To

When I was young my Mother (and lots of other mothers, fathers, neighbors, barbers, etc.) would tell me, “Accidents Happen”. That was a long time ago because I come from a long time ago.

Things are different now. Whenever anything bad happens now (also known as, something for which a law suit could be filed), it is somebody’s fault. With any luck it will be the fault of someone or something with a lot of money.

I grew up dependent upon unassailable truths like...

• “A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned” has now been replaced by, “A penny ain’t much. Throw it on the ground as soon as you walk out of McDonald’s”.
• “A Stitch In Time Is Worth Nine” has now been replaced by, “Throw it away. Go to the mall and buy another one”.

The old saying that worried me the most as a child was the one where, after I asked my Mother for a nickel she would say to me, “If I had a nickel, I would sit up and watch it all night”. This was very traumatic to my little mind. I would immediately start worrying about what, if anything, we were going to eat for supper that night.

Would I kid u?

Initial Product Offering?

Billy Durant founder of General Motors

General Motors began as a Corporation in September 1908 but in the very near future it will have its Initial Public Offering (IPO).

How can that be? Does not “initial” have something to do with First Time or Original?

Maybe they are confused over at GM? Maybe they got their wording mixed up? Maybe they ought to be having...

• An “Another Public Offering” (APO)?
• A “We Really Need the Money Public Offering” (WRNMPO).
• A “Latest Public Offering” (LPO).

At first I thought GM’s Initial Public Offering idea was foolish. Considering everything else that is going on in the world, this one is probably not very high on the Foolishness Scale... Or is it?

Would I kid u?

That Was Then ... This Is Now

I read in my newspaper recently where a manager in a McDonald's in Brazil has successfully sued his employer for a 65 pound weight gain he experienced over the twelve years he was employed as a manager. The court paid him $17,500.

He contended in his suit that he was forced (notice the use of the word “forced”) to eat the food from his restaurant each day in order to ensure quality standard remained high. He felt great pressure from McDonald’s because it hired “mystery clients” to randomly visit the restaurant he managed to report on food, service and cleanliness (notice how he almost makes this mystery shopping sound evil).

Oh, by the way, he did not have to pay for the food he ate.

The Smartfella? is able to see into the future. I knew this law suit was coming the day he was hired twelve years ago. In anticipation of this day, I had a dentist friend of mine in Brazil implant a solar powered electronic bug in this guy’s left front tooth. During these twelve years I recorded him saying 323,667 times... What a great place to work! I love it here! The best part is I don’t have to pay for any of the food I eat!

Now fatso sits on the witness stand and says he was “forced” to eat all that yummy food.

I wonder if he had been employed as a Hangman, and he had been told he could hang himself as often as he wanted, how many times he would have stretched his rope in order to ensure that he was a quality hangman.

I sure glad I live in the good ole USofA where our society is not as law suit happy as they are in Brazil... Or are we?

Would I kid u?

A Voice Crying In The Wilderness...Me!

I am on the outside looking in. I am not sure what a “Blogger” is but I certainly am one...I think.

I keep hearing news reports like...
 Democrat legislators met with Democratic/Liberal/Progressive Bloggers.
 Republican legislators seeking input from Republican/Conservative Bloggers.

What I don’t hear about is...

 Democrat legislators met with Foolish Bloggers.

 Republican legislators seeking input from Silly Bloggers.

They just don’t want to hear what I have to say.

Over the weekend I traveled to Washington, D.C. to try and find out why I am being ignored. I went into a frequented Congressional Watering Hole yesterday disguised again as a potted plant to attend the Friday Night Happy Hour (The Friday Night Happy Hour was still going strong on Sunday Night.)

On several occasions I actually did hear my Blog being discussed. The question would be posed... Do you think we should contact the Smartfella? and get his input?

Every time that question was asked the same answer came back...

No need to bother with that. He consistently uses Common Sense in his blog postings. The Folks (they love to call us “folks”) back on Main Street would not know what the heck he is talking about.

More importantly, you should not forget, he comes from outside the Beltway and any thinking from outside the Beltway is unimportant because it does not come from inside the Beltway.

Would I kid u?

The Smartfella? Will Not Be Elected President!

As we wind down this awful Mid-Term Election Cycle it has become apparent that our slide down the Slippery Slope is still accelerating.

There was a time when we thought that the Truth, Justice and the American Way was what we were all about. Now it appears that we are all about Obfuscation, Trickery and We Know What You Did Thirty Years Ago.

Our candidates don't talk about Issues very much. Instead we bombarded with Rumors, Out-Right Lies and Molehill Magnifications.

Those of you who read my Foolishness…Or Is Its? know I often use the absurd to make what I think are logical points. This is exactly why I can’t be President of the good ole USofA. My silliness would certainly be taken out of context and I would be beaten into submission.

Here are just three examples…

• Criminal Education… I have advocated educating our criminals so that they will become more effective at their chosen profession.
• Economic Pump Priming… Contrary to the wishes of our Federal Government which wants us to spend every dollar we get our hands on, I have dared to put in writing my long-held belief that we ought to save our money.
• Child Safety… I openly took the position that riding babies backwards in the rear seats of automobiles is confusing the little tykes.

Can’t you just hear my worthy opponent tear me limb from political limb in our nationally televised debate? I would not have a chance.

It could be worse. At least they never found out that I dipped Margo Quigley’s pig tail in my ink well… Or did they?

Would I kid u?

Do The Police Really Protect Us From Everything?

I recently read in my newspaper where a man had gone to his Police Department complaining that he had been sold some Bad Marijuana.

A Police Department spokesman was quoted as saying there was an investigation of the complaining man in process on a charge of “Possession of a Counterfeit Controlled Substance”.

You think I am making up more “facts” do you not? It is a fact that I have not made up anything you have read above.

Below I will make stuff up … Or will I?

Headlines of the Future…

• Angry Man Returns Box Of Dynamite To Hardware Store Complaining That It Had Not Blown Up City Hall.

• Despondent Would-Be Shooter, “I Thought I was Really Going To Wreak Havoc In The Bowling Alley Last Night But My AK47 Jammed. Can I sue the Russians?”

Just is case you still do not believe me, I will say it again, the First Two Paragraphs of this Foolishness…Or Is It? were not made up. The following is a quote from the news article, “the incident remains under investigation and the man could face a charge of possessing a counterfeit controlled substance”.

Would I kid u?

We Ought To Know What We Are Doing ... Ought We Not?

 

I have written before about our 9% Approval Rating Congress not knowing what they are doing. This posting is a bit of a takeoff on the “not knowing” part of the prior sentence and attempts to zero in on...

What they don’t know even though it is right in front of them.

I just read a news article in my newspaper and I did not get beyond the first line when I knew I was looking at the makings of a Foolishness...Or Is It? commentary.

It is not important what the actual article itself was about. If I got into the article’s content, some of you might take issue with my political leanings and the Smartfella? definitely has political leanings. He just does not write about his leanings in his blog for fear of being attacked by people who think they are smarter than he is smart. Everyone is entitled to his own stupid opinion and that definitely includes me.

The first line of the article says,

A little-noticed provision in the annual defense-spending bill...”

There it is... “little-noticed”! Why is it little-noticed? This brings up several questions...

• Are the bills so big that our congress does not or cannot know what is in them?
• Are the bills so confusing that our congress does not or cannot know what is in them?
• Is our congress not reading these bills?
• Who is writing these bills?

Part of the answer is that the bills are too long and too complicated to be understood, even if they were being read, but that does not make me feel one bit better. Do you feel one bit better?

Would I kid u?

Becoming Special Before Doing Anything Special

In our area of the good ole USofA we start the school year in the middle of August. By the first week of September I was noticing that the bulletin boards outside of our government schools were announcing the teacher who has been selected Teacher of the Year for the particular school. Does this make sense?

I was still confused about these bulletin board announcements when, in late September, I read in my paper that the School District was in the process of selecting the Teachers of the Year to be finalists for Teacher of the Year for the whole School District. The awards banquet is slated for November 4th.

Wow, these people work fast! After less than three months of a nine month school year they already know who the best of the best is.

Most reports show American Children falling behind the children from the rest of the world with regard to education. Imagine how fast and far they would be falling behind if our teachers were not so fast.

Would I kid u?

Not Worrying About Hurricanes

Image via WikipediaI grew up in New Orleans. Hurricanes in my youth were exciting but really no big deal. My father would put masking tape on the plate glass window of his grocery store and we would wait for the winds to blow.

We would sit outside unless and until the winds got really bad and then we would go inside to “ride out” the rest of the storm looking through the masking taped plate glass window.

If the storm was a direct hit and the eye passed right over us, we would go back outside and look up through the eye hole.

If it got too late, my mother would send my brother and me to bed and we would find out the rest of the story in the morning.

One thing we never did even think of doing was leaving town.

Betsy and Katrina changed all that.

------------------------------------------------

We have now gone to the other extreme with hurricanes...

• In the old days we hardly paid any attention until the storm entered the Gulf of Mexico.
• Now our 24 Hour New Cycle starts telling us about puffs of wind that might turn into something puffier while they are still off the coast of Africa.
• We give them names when they elevate themselves to stiff breezes.

Many of these storms lately have stayed in the Atlantic and headed north into the Arctic. There they quietly turn back into puffs of wind.

By the time the hurricanes are in the process of unpuffing in the Arctic, there have been hundreds of thousands of tee-shirts sold in the Good Ole USofA that have printed on them, “I Survived Hurricane Harry In 2010”.

Would I kid u?

Sad Commentary On Politics

Is there any other commentary to be made about Politics other than sad?

Yesterday a wonderful person, a fine human being and a true hero (not a sports “hero”) was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. The first paragraph of the AP article reads as follows: “In a ceremony that mixed pain, pride and determination, President Barack Obama on Wednesday awarded the Medal of Honor to a young Army Green Beret who saved his patrol by holding off a Taliban ambush in a snowy Afghan valley two winters ago.”

Now begins my Sad Commentary...

Image via Wikipedia

What if this wonderful person had survived the war and returned home and was now running for political office. I shudder to think of all the muck that would be in the process of being hurled at this wonderful person by his opponents. Depending on how diligent the Muckrakers were, one of the mucks might even be true.

Would I kid u?

The Smartfella? Proven Right Again!

On August 4, 2006 I wrote a blog posting that made the absolutely irrefutable contention that more than One Eyewitness was one too many. I also included this brilliant piece of Foolishness in my published book Foolishness...Or Is It? which has now been read by a couple of people. I know you are eager to refresh your memory about this posting, so click on this link... http://forii.blogspot.com/2006_08_04_archive.html .

Why do I bring this up now? That’s because on September 28, 2010 my Foolishness was proven not silly ... again.

On the above referenced date a gunman wreaked havoc on the University of Texas campus. Here are the necessary details about the bad guy to prove my point...

• He was dressed in a black suit.
• He had on a ski mask.

As I watched the frenzied news channels report this riveting story in my gym I began to find myself critical of those talking heads who were saying that there might be a Second Shooter. I actually thought that a Second Shooter Theory could very well have been the result of a rumor.

I later found out that officials had more than a rumor to go on and I puffed up my chest as I realized the Smartfella? was right ... again.

The reason officials were looking for a Second Shooter was because Eye Witnesses reported varying descriptions of the Only Shooter!

What can be so complicated about ... A Black Suit and a Ski Mask?

Would I kid u?