You Can’t See Damage? ... Pay Me Anyway

Remember the BP Oil Spill?

You just said to yourself, “What oil spill?” Yes, I know you are into your Current Crisis Mode. We all are. We are all fretting about issues that affect us in the here and now. Things like, Why the Heck Will the Japanese Not Allow Poor Paris Hilton Into Japan?

Oh, my gosh! Did I just use the word “poor” as an adjective that modifies Paris Hilton? I am worse off than I thought. We all know that there is a federal law against using the word “poor” in the same paragraph with Paris Hilton.

Back to the Oil Spill that you can’t remember...

I read recently where there is resort on Florida’s west coast that is asking for $1,000,000 in compensation from the $20,000,000,000 BP Compensation Fund claiming lost profits.

Now this may not strike you as worthy of a Foolishness...Or Is It? but let me give you the Rest of the Story... Not a single drop of oil washed ashore at the resort.

I feel through my foolishness sensors that I just failed to make an impression on you with this one but allow me to give you the Rest of the Rest of the Story... The tourist board in the county where the resort is located has reported that more tourists visited the county in the two months after the BP Oil Spill than in the same period last year.

I would be willing to bet, if I were willing to bet, that the resort owners will get their requested money because of the use of the tried and true legal term “but”. I can just hear it now, “Your honor, I know the facts are all against my client and my client’s case does not have a leg to stand on, but...”.

Would I kid u?

The Word “Traditional” Redefined

The English Language is expandable. New words make their way into our language all the time.

We also “improve” our language by redefining the definition/true meaning of words that have been with us for a long time. That is what recently happened in the legal case laid out below.

Again we have a lawyer to thank for making us better.

Briefly here is what the lawyer did for us all...

• The alleged accused perpetrator of the suspected possibility of a crime planted a backpack which contained what he thought was a bomb in a trash bin near a popular bar just steps away from Wrigley Field.
• The alleged accused perpetrator of the suspected possibility of other crimes had also told others about more attacks he was planning.
• These included bombing a skyscraper and assassinating Chicago Mayor Richard Daley.

The alleged accused perpetrator’s defense attorney is trying his best to educate us about the meaning of the word “traditional”. I shudder to think what we would do without attorneys.

The attorney said his client (and I quote), “is not the traditional bad guy”.

The Smartfella? is a highly untrained observer of such Foolishness. I will be more than glad to explain this attorney’s quote to you...

• A traditional bad guy wants to try to hurt a bunch of people he does not know.
• This attorney’s accused bad guy only wants to try to hurt a bunch of people he does not know.

I sure you see the difference ... Or do you?

Would I kid u?

Truth In Advertising

Back in 2006 ... "The BBC reports that a county council in Wales has ordered the Black Mountains Smokery to rename its spicy Welsh Dragon Sausages because the product doesn't contain dragon meat".

Don’t believe me? How could you think that of me? I am hurt.
For proof click here: http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/entrepreneur/article640266.ece

(Oops! 8/8/23 this link no longer works. It takes you to today's news.)

You got to admire the public watchdog’s of the world. They are looking out for each and every one of us. Heaven forbid that we should be deceived into buying sausage in anticipation of enjoying Dragon Meat and end up eating Beef!

Here are some other biting issues of the day that I hope they protect us from...

Cleveland Indians Baseball Team
The Cleveland Indians Team is shameful organization that is being forced to change its name because investigative reporters have discovered that there is not a single Indian (neither Native American nor Far East Asian) on the team.

Hamburgers
The FDA has banned the sale of all meat patties called hamburger because there is no Ham in Hamburgers. Effective immediately all McDonalds, Wendy’s, Burger King, Checkers, Krystal and Hardees fast food outlets are being boarded up by Federal Officials.

These mega chains have protested that they ought to be allowed to stay open because they do serve other food items. Our federal government has taken the position that a public trust has been violated and that violation has been long standing and is particularly egregious to a trusting ham seeking public.

Bulldawg Pizza ... Click here: http://www.bulldawgpizzaandmore.com/
(Oops! 8/8/23 this link no longer works either.)

You guessed it. There is no Dawg Meat in a Bulldawg Pizza.

There may be a legal loophole for this small pizza store because the Merriam-Webster Dictionary does not have the word “dawg” in its dictionary.

There is a potential problem for the above defense. At the last home game at the University of Georgia 54 incoming fans were asked if d o g was the way one would spell the word “dog”. All 54 looked at the questioner in confused disbelief. Each said that they never heard of a word that was spelled d o g. If they ate a Bulldawg Pizza, they fully expected that they were eating Lassie.

Would I kid u?

Easiest Thing I Will Ever Do

Image via Wikipedia

(Modified & Reposted 2/9/12)

I spend a lot of time in a health club trying to keep my heart from attacking me. So far it is working but it’s not easy. As I always say...

Staying Healthy Is Enough To Kill You

Today there is a new threat to my health from inside my Health Club. It is the Rock Music that the owners of the facility must think is an essential element of staying healthy because it is always there, it is always loud and it is always awful.

The other day in the midst of this musical assault, as my head was about to explode, I got a brainstorm about how I am going to spend my declining years ... I Am Going to Write Rock Music.

Why am I going to undertake such a difficult task, you ask? That’s just my point. It Is Not A Difficult Task. It is actually going to be one of the easiest things I have ever done...
 First I write five or six words of the lyrics like, “Ohhh baby you got great teeth”.
 Then I write about seven musical notes to sing the lyrics to.
 Then for two minutes the song repeats my five or six words in tune with my about seven musical notes ... Over and Over and Over and Over.

There you have it. Another modern-day Smash Hit Rock Tune that is sure to be a big money maker.

I did leave out one thing. Actually it is the most important thing ... My rocking tune is sung VERY LOUD! In the world of Rock Music, LOUD is more important than the five or six words or the seven musical notes.

One thing I will make sure I will not do. I will not make the sound as loud as a TV Commercial. That would be Beyond the Pale (whatever that is).

Would I kid u?

Maybe I’ll Start Smoking

The Smartfella? in a firm believer that, if you hang around with intelligent people, osmosis (or some such thing) will take over and I will become smarter by association (or some such thing).

It appears that smokers are smart people because they are avoiding taxes by buying their cigarettes using a machine that rolls their cancer sticks while they wait. By using these Roll-Your-Own Machines these smart guys are saving somewhere around $21 a carton.

Recent story headline in my newspaper...

Roll-Your-Own Cigarette Machines Help Evade Steep Tax

As I have told you, my dear readers, in a prior posting, throughout history tax payers have come up with ingenious ways to avoid paying their current ruler’s never-ending search for increased revenue. In the Middle Ages a tax was levied based on the number of Windows a homeowner had in his house. The Roll-Your-Own Citizens of that day bricked up their windows and avoided the Window Tax.

We fought the American Revolution over Taxation without Representation. Now we are finding that Taxation with Representation may not be working out as well as our founding fathers had envisioned.

As I peck this Foolishness...Or Is It? out our rulers are formulating ways to combat the decline of this Cigarette Tax Revenue...

• The Assistant Attorney General in New Hampshire is suing Cigarette Rolling Machine Manufacturers.
• There is a loop hole in current law about pipe tobacco being not currently as taxable as cigarette tobacco is taxable.
• These Rolling Machines are using pipe tobacco.
• Your FDA is determining “the appropriate response” and “soliciting industry input to help write new rules to tax pipe tobacco the same as cigarette tobacco.”

It is the Smartfella's? not so humble opinion that all this bureaucratic jockeying about law suits, loopholes, cigarette versus pipe, responses, industry input, etc. is completely unnecessary. The $345,000,000 in Lost Revenue can easily be restored by passing an Evasion of Taxes Surcharge Tax Penalty.

If they would go a bit further and levy a further penalty on the evaders for causing Stress and Mental Anguish to the Tax Collectors, this could be a real boon to the Tax Coffers in every state affected by this evil Cigarette Rolling Machine Scheme.

Would I kid u?

Opposite Positioning

I go to great lengths to discuss Politics in my Foolishness...Or Is It? without being Political. I will do that again in this posting but as you read what you are reading in this one you may start to think I am taking sides but I will not do that.

A short while back I was listening to a radio discussion which featured one talking head of the Liberal Persuasion and one from the Conservative Persuasion. The actual subjects they were bantering about are not important to this blog posting. It was the positions taken by the two sides that floored me.

One head made a devastating argument for his side of the topic under discussion. I said to myself, “Self, that is strong stuff! There is no comeback to that argument.” Then the other head talked his head and he said the exact opposite about every point that the first head had made. Someone had to be lying or wrong. There was no in between.

I was anxious to hear how the Moderator was going to draw out further evidence from both sides to support their positions but that never happened. The Moderator simply ignored the potential for juicy fact finding debate and moved on to another issue.

It dawned on me that I have seen this happen many times before. Actually it is an everyday occurrence. It is a strategy. This is what both sides do all the time. They send Talking Heads out to these Talk Shows to practice Opposite Positioning.

They emerge from their Focus Group Factories armed with a set of strongly held deep seated talking points and go to the Talk Shows to which they have been assigned for that particular day.

If they get to talk their heads first, they spout one of their strongly held deep seated beliefs. The #2 Head then says the opposite from what #1 Head had just said. #2 Head’s position may be exactly opposite to the strongly held deep seated belief he was about to recite before #1 Head took away his position. The Moderator then moves on to another subject.

They don’t have to believe what they are saying. They just have to say what they are saying. Both sides walk away feeling flushed with the sweet smell of victory. They are proud of what they have done and the voters are just as confused as we were before the heads made everything perfectly clear.

Since we are at the bottom of this Foolishness, I will give you The Bottom Line...If you think I am out of control on this one, I challenge you to stop and think about it for a few seconds. That’s about all it will take for you to come to the realization that I am speaking the truth. I always speak the truth...Or do I?

Would I kid u?

Our Criminals Need Our Help!

I have ranted before about how we need to educate our criminals so that they will become more effective at their chosen profession.

I recently read in my newspaper the following sad example of a criminal who appeared to be very good at stealing but was severely lacking when it comes to the logical steps he should perform on his ill-gotten goods before he tried to market his merchandise...
 When this criminal was caught he had in his possession a treasure of stolen goodies (162 cell phones and lots of computers, wallets and gift cards).
 He advertised his cell phones on Craigslist.
 A potential buyer, who had had his cell phone stolen, was shopping Craigslist for a replacement.
 The buyer saw a phone just like his stolen one and, because he was familiar with how to operate this particular model of phone, he bought it.
 When he turned on his nifty “new” phone, he found many of his Own Phone Numbers and his Return Address in his nifty “new” phone.
 The hapless criminal was arrested.

If our criminals are going to allowed to wallow around in their current state of ignorance, are we going to see the following lamentable situation arise in the future?
 A criminal breaks into a house and steals a whole bunch of things.
 Among his ill-gotten stuff he finds he has stolen a supply of Personal Stationary.
 He advertises the stolen Personal Stationary in Craigslist...

Don’t go to the time and expense of buying your own Personal Letterhead and Return Addressed Envelopes. If your name and address is exactly as specified below, you should jump on this, once in a lifetime opportunity, to acquire a whole bunch of personal stationary which is already tailor-made just for you.

I sure hope we do something to train our criminals to be better at what they do. After all, criminals are people too.

Would I kid u?

Are The Few Ruling The Many?

A few weeks ago I was in a lecture and trying hard to stay interested and/or awake when the talking guy hit me with this thought and I perked up and even started me thinking. The phrase that woke me up went something like this...

Are We Piling Garbage All Over The Garden

Because Some People

Don’t Like The Smell Of The Roses?

Does it not sometimes seem that we are falling all over ourselves trying to make a few loud ones among us happy and it does not matter what they are being loud about?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Teachers Wearing Masks

Note To My Dear Readers: I know nothing about the book at the left. All I do know is...It has a catchy title and the word "teachers" is that title.

Part 1:
Los Angeles Teachers want to be undercover agents. Sort of like the CIA or the Lone Ranger.

The Los Angeles Times reported recently the evaluations of some 6,000 Los Angeles city school teachers based on how well their students performed on standardized tests...

• L.A. is spending almost $30,000 per student.

• Since 1990 K12 education spending in California has grown by 191% and now consumes 40% of the state budget.

• Currently less than 2% of teachers are denied tenure in L.A.

• Teacher evaluations do not take into account whether students are learning.

• High school graduation rate is 40.6% which is second worst among large school districts in the U.S.

• The Times rated teachers using a “value added” analysis that has been popular in education research for years.

• Teachers are saying this way of evaluating their performance is not fair.

• The measure of school success currently is how much money was spent by the schools. (There you go thinking I made this one up.)

The teachers do have a plan of action. They are organizing a boycott of the L.A. Times. That ought to make the students smarter.

The Smartfella? would like to come to the defense of the teachers. I have done research of my own and I have found out that the reason the teachers did not want the 40.6% graduation rate published is not because they are ashamed. It is actually because they are so humble that they wanted the 40.6% kept quiet. You see the rate used to be much lower and they don’t want to be seen as braggarts.

Ok. I made this last part up ... Or did I?

Part 2:
As concerned citizens, we ought to take action to cover for our Government Education System. You, my dear reader, are now going to be the first to read about my Someone’s Got To Do It Initiative (SGTDII). You will be amazed at its simplicity and its logical approach to this all important problem...

• Recruit an army of volunteers 40 years of age and older.

• Why 40 years old and older? Research has found that the recently educated do not have the basic knowledge of Reading, Writing, Arithmetic, History and Geography to be able to take on these educational challenges. (Oops. Did I just insult a lot of people?)

• The volunteers will be equipped with bull horns and when the children are released for recess (if they still do have recess) the bull-horned volunteers will move in to educate the students.

• They will shout through their bull horns the many things that have fallen by the wayside in modern education (see numbered examples list below)...

1. 2 + 2 is 4.

2. The D.C in Washington, D.C does not stand for Da Capital. It stands for District of Columbia.

3. It’s “A Stitch In Time Is Worth Nine”. It is not “A Stitch In Time Is Worth Two In The Bush”.

4. Cultural Dancing is social interaction and fun but it is not a Career Path.

5. Spelling and punctuation is important. Filling in the “Why You Should Hire Me” part of a job application by saying “yo dude i wnt to wrk for yo biznes cuz i wnt a Ipad” will not get you hired.

6. Roe vs. Wade was not the decision that George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.

Sorry this one went so long but this is a weighty issue.

Do you feel you have spent too much time reading this? If so, it probably is because you read it too slowly. Go back to the beginning and read it a lot faster the second time. I know that will fix your problem because a government teacher told me it would.

Would I kid u?

Paris Hilton Has Been Promoted

We all know how talented Paris Hilton is ... Or do we?

One thing I know for sure is she is a Celebrity and we just love Celebrities!

A few days ago she was arrested again. This time it involved marijuana and cocaine.

In an article that reported her latest run in with the law, she is referred to as a “Celebrity Socialite”. We all, of course, know her to be a Celebrity and we most certainly know she is a Socialite. I must confess, I do not know which is higher on the Worship Scale ... Celebrity or Socialite but “Celebrity Socialite” certainly must be more important than the stand-alone title of either one of them.

Another thing I noticed (I notice a lot. It’s a curse), the article says that, if she is convicted, she faces Probation. This confuses me. I always thought that Probation came after a person had been convicted and had served their time in the clink.

I guess it must be different for Celebrity Socialites. They must have one of those (jewel encrusted) Monopoly Cards that says, “Get Out of Jail Free”. They simply show their card and go straight to Probation.

You know, I feel a lot better now that I have figured this one out.

Would I kid u?

Our Courts Are Powerful! ... Or Are They?

Today a nut (can I be sued for saying he was a nut?) took hostages, caused a ruckus at the Discovery Channel building and was killed. Could we have stopped him from doing all what he did? Our Court System certainly thought that it could.

It seems he had caused a ruckus at this same building a couple of years ago. Our Court System took action! They ordered him to stay 500 feet away from Discovery Headquarters. That worked well did it not?

Can’t you just hear this nut’s attorney (if he had not been killed today and was on trial) saying, “You Honor, my client used a GPS to determine when he was exactly 501 feet from the entrance to the building and he jumped to 499 feet.”

Can’t you just hear Your Honor saying in response, “You know you have a point there, counselor.”

Would I kid u?

Image by icantcu via Flickr

Nose To The Grindstone... Not!

Saw this in my newspaper today. It was an article about one of our U.S. Senators. It was not Senator Foghorn Leghorn. It was one of our well-known Senators. Here is what the article said about him and I quote...

“who spent his working career in residential real estate”

Image via WikipediaDo you see the key word? I’m sure you got it! The key word is “working”. Now that he is a U.S. Senator the article says he is no longer working!

Would I kid u?

Watching The News ... All The Time ... Over And Over

The 24 Hour News Cycle is a part of us but does it have to be?

Some of us can sit and watch the 24 Hour News Cycle all day long. Is this healthy? I could understand watching the same news all day if you were waiting for something of really importance to come on the TV ... like Oprah.

Aside from Oprah do we not have something better to do with our lives? The truth is many of us do not seem to have anything better to do with our lives. We sit there and watch the same news and the same fifteen second film clips All Day Long.

A short while back I sent out a Foolishness...Or Is It? that purported to tell each of you what it was going to be like when we went to Heaven or Hell...
http://forii.blogspot.com/2010/04/get-your-eternal-menu-selections-in.html

OK, I admit I was doing a bit of guessing about the forks, bacon and cannolis. It is not often that I make such admissions. Usually I am right on with my Foolishness but I did just have a vision from the afterlife and this time I know what Heaven and Hell will really be like. Trust me.

Heaven: Sitting on a cloud eating steak and piping hot french fries.

Hell: Sitting on a cloud eating steak and piping hot french fries with your head fixed in position staring at a TV with earphones in your head and watching the 24 Hour News Cycle.

Want to know the worst part? ... Oprah does not come on at 4pm.

Would I kid u?

Oh Come On, Grandpa, You Are Making That Up!

Young people are not old people. If we tell them about long ago, we bore them. If we tell them about a short time ago we not only bore them but we shock ourselves that they are completely unknowing about what we consider recent history. Some of these things are too new to be history.

I am going to list some of these, Oh Come On, Grandpa, You Are Making That Ups for you to ponder. I am willing to bet that any “old” person reading this Foolishness...Or Is It? (if there is anyone reading this Foolishness...Or Is It?) will be able to expand this list quite easily...
• Telephones handsets used to have cords on them that prevented a talker from straying too far away from the telephone box.
• When a long distance call was received absolute panic set it. The phone company had a set price for the first three minutes. There was a charge for going over three minutes and what that charge was was one of the great unknowns because no one ever went over three minutes. The person who answered the phone would shout, “Long Distance!” and also shout out the name of whomever the call was for. The family member whose name had been shouted out would come running, grabbed the phone and talked very fast while keeping an eye on the clock. Keeping an eye on the clock was not necessary because the caller (the person paying for the three minutes) was certainly keeping an eye on the clock on his end. The caller also had his finger on the hang-up button and there was no way that call was going to go one second over the “free” three minutes.
• There used to be telephone booths everywhere where phone calls could be made from a pay phone (what’s a pay phone?), homeless people used the phone booths as rest rooms and Superman changed into his flying costume in these handy changing rooms.
• Cell phones did not exist.
• Before cell phones, people used to drive with both hands on the steering wheel.
• Postage stamps had glue on the back and we used to lick the back with our wet tongues.
• Before GPS, we got cross country using paper road maps that we got from gas stations for free.
• When we bought gas we were given gifts for buying the gas which was 17 cents a gallon.
• Every time we wanted to change a TV channel we had to get up out of our chair and twist the knob by hand.
• If a knee, heart, hip, eye, rotator cuff, kidney or any such thing went bad we did not get another one we had to just bear with it.
• Dogs and cats were free and we got them from our neighbors.
• We had to open the garage door by hand (if we had a garage). This included when we returned home. This included when we returned home in the rain.
• Each family had one and only one car.
• Car side windows, sliding side doors and tailgates had to be opened by hand.
• Post Office clerks smiled at us.
• Birthdays meant ice cream, cake, a single present and you aunts, uncles and cousins came over to celebrate. They did not walk in asking, “How come we did not go to Chuck E. Cheese this year?”
• In church on Sunday, when it came time for the collection, the sound of jingling coins filled the church. Everyone was getting prepared to drop in their nickels and dimes. Today we drop in paper bills and paper checks. They do not jingle. I miss that sound.

Would I kid u?

Snow Flakes Are Out To Get You!

According to a published newspaper article there is bacteria in snowflakes. This is alarming news! I, a highly capable creator of Foolishness, am ready to describe to you the future. Knowing what is to come will permit you to better prepare yourself to protect your loved ones. Listed below are news stories we are sure to see...

• Eight-year-old arrested and taken to jail for throwing a snowball at an unsuspecting playmate.
• Research has shown that ingesting a mere 3,217,412 snowflakes is the equivalent of drinking 17 gallons of milk from a Chernobyl Cow.
• Parents have their three children removed by Social Services for allowing their driveway to remain snow covered for 48 hours.
• The tiny hamlet of Winnewaka, Minnesota is the first to construct Covered Snow-Deflector Walkways from every one of their school bus stops to every one of their school bus delivered children’s front doors.

Image via Wikipedia 

Demonstrations are increasing throughout the country for similar action to be taken by other local municipalities. Protesting parents in Whatize, New York were interviewed and their responses below show how dire they regard SnowflakeGate to be...

• “If Winnewaka can do it, why can’t we do it?” 
• “Are our children not as precious as Winnewaka’s children?” 
• “I see no recourse but to recall our useless mayor and every one of his cronies on the city council.”

You probably think I am over reacting. Go ahead and mock me. I am telling you now that I will expect an EOA (Email of Apology) from each of you when my predictions come to fruition.

Would I kid u?

Do You Understand The Charges Against You?

Judge To Defendant,

Do You Understand The Charges Against You?

Defendant To Judge, Huh?

None of us want to go to jail. That being said, there is a pretty good chance that some who are in jail do not know why they are in jail.

Below are actual crimes I have read about in the newspaper...
• A Church Was Set Afire ... The charge was, “Use of fire to commit a felony”. (What happened to tried and true Arson?)
• Another Church Was Set Afire ... The charge was, “Damage or destruction to religious property”. (Kind of makes one think that, if it were not religious property and just plain ole property, no crime would have been committed.)
• Our City Hall Was Spray Painted ... The charge was, “Interference with government property”. (What happened to Vandalism? Sort of sounds like one of those big columns in front of City Hall wanted to move to the other side of the building to get out of the sun and somebody blocked its way.)
• Murder ... the charge was, “Malicious Murder”. (If the murder was not malicious, might the dead person still be alive?)

I bet that some of you are still thinking I make these things up. If I made them up, they would be foolish but they would not be this silly. There is a distinction. Just don’t ask me to explain the distinction.

Would I kid u?

Is It Possible That Mamma And Daddy Were Wrong?

When I was growing up my parents told me to save my money (if and when I ever started acquiring money). I listened and to this day believe they were right.

As a newly married couple in the U.S. Army and making $222.22 per month and we started saving $50 each month. Get your calculator out and check out my figuring...That was 22.5%.

How many young couples are saving 22.5% of their salary today? If there are any, they may be in a heap of trouble because they are not doing their part to stimulate the economy.

I did a blog posting in the past about my “obligation” to spend my money to keep the economy going. As usual, my tongue was very deeply in my cheek but now this issue seems to be getting very serious!

I have been noticing recent news commentary attacking the once time honored American practice of SAVING MONEY. They have started to paint saving as an evil unto itself that must be stopped.

Here comes my Foolishness...Or Is It?...

Are we about to see some or all of the following?

• News Lead In...

Peter Fernerke was arrested today in Ohio for saving more that the Federally Mandated Maximum Allowed Percent of his take-home pay.

• A Public Service Announcement...

Citizens, remember to do your duty for the common good and spend as much of your salary as is necessary to keep America humming along. If you don’t know how much is enough, go to http://www.yourpart.gov/ and consult the Recommended Minimum Spending Table. Any amount spent in excess of the Recommended Minimum will be appreciated by a grateful nation and your 9% Approval Rating Congress.

• Live Concert...

Image via WikipediaThe Hollywood Celebrity you most admire (whoever that is) is asking you to attend this Saturday’s live concert, No More Saving Over The Limit. There will be one held in every town in America of over twenty-five people. Bring the excess saving you have been squirreling away in violation of the Recommended Minimum Spending Table. No questions will be asked about where you have been hiding your money. Jimmy Carter will be stationed at each dumping box to personally shake your hand and thank you for doing your part. Come clean for America before they come and get you.

Ok I got carried away again. However, I would like to ask you to do one thing after I went to all the trouble to peck out this Foolishness. Start taking note of every time you hear or read about the “evils” of saving money. It may surprise you how dead serious my Foolishness turns out to be.

Would I kid u?

I Was Once A Popular Word

Whatever happened to the word “million(s)”?

Here is a recent interview conducted by www.what’sgoingonincongresstoday.com ...

What’s Going On In Congress Today Guy: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to come in for this interview today.

Used To Be A Popular Word Guy: It is my pleasure but, actually, I did not have much to do anyway.

WGOICT Guy: Well, you certainly have jumped right into the heart of the reason for this interview. Can you tell us what happened to make you so little used, or dare I say, downright unpopular?

UTBAPW Guy: At first it was a slow process. Every time the citizens of the United States turned around our elected representatives in Congress were using my name. They would say, “A million dollars for this or 200 million dollars for that and then the word(s) “million(s)” disappeared from their vocabulary. They started saying, “A billion dollars for this or 200 billion dollars for that” and they completely forgot they had ever heard of the word(s) “million(s)”.

WGOICT Guy: Was it a gradual process?

UTBAPW Guy: At first it was but almost overnight the process has accelerated in recent years. Now it is as if they never knew of my existence.

WGOICT Guy: Don’t you see any hope that you will make a comeback or are you on a slippery slope to oblivion?

UTBAPW Guy: There was a time that I thought there was hope for my continued usage but now I think the latter fate that you just mentioned in your question is my sad future.

WGOICT Guy: What was it that gave you hope?

UTBAPW Guy: Members of Congress used to say things like, “One billion 500 million” but now they just say, “One and a half billion” or “One point five billion”. There is no longer any reference to the word(s) “million(s)” in their pontifications.

WGOICT Guy: I must admit that this is a sadder story than I anticipated when I originally set up this interview. What are you going to do now?

UTBAPW Guy: Sorry to ruin your day but I have to tell it like it is. What am I going to do? I see my path as clear as the look of compassion on your face. I am going to slide into the Ash Heap of History and see if I can find General MacArthur. He is still fading away down there somewhere. He might remember me. He might understand what has happened to me ... or will he?

Would I kid u?

Banquettes and Eggs

Our News Media is going berserk, again. Currently they are acting as if what we are being subjected to has never happened before ... or has it?

What am I talking about? Excuse me but I thought all of you already knew. It’s the Heat! Heat stories dominate the news on the opening of every broadcast. They are acting as if it has never gotten hot before. I find myself shouting at the TV, “Don’t you know it’s Summer Time!”

Sometimes I wonder about myself, shouting like that. I actually know the TV can’t hear me but I do it anyway. I’m sure glad I am the only person who knows I shout at TVs.

You may find this hard to believe but, when I was growing up, we had summers every year.

I grew up in New Orleans. Harkening back to our French Heritage we used to call (maybe still do) a sidewalk a “banquette” (bank-it). I can remember my father saying, “It is so hot out there you can fry an egg on the banquette.”

One day I decided to see if my father knew of which he spoke. I got one of my mother’s eggs out of the ice box (now known as a refrigerator) and went out and cracked it on the banquette and it actually did fry.

That must have been a big day in my growing up because I remember this incidence so well and I can almost smell the egg and banquette aroma coming up to my little nostrils.

Cracking eggs on the banquette was fun and educational but shouting at TVs is neither. Next time I get the urge to shout at the TV, I ought to go take a walk on the banquette. Actually I have thought about doing just that but have not done so as of yet because it is so hot out there.

Would I kid u?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You The Age Of...

Over time we have had the Bronze Age, the Age of Enlightenment, the Iron Age, the Dark Ages, the Renaissance Period, the Industrial Revolution, the Stone Age and various other Ages and Periods scattered about. The time in which we now live just may end up being called the Age of Finger Pointing.

There are a lot of “fixes” out there but the Smartfella? thinks these “fixes” just may be the same “fix” over and over. Here are a few examples...

• Cut the other guy’s salary ... not my salary. I need the money.
• Raise the tax on cigarettes ... I don’t smoke.
• Raise the other guy’s taxes ... not my taxes. I need the money.
• Pay for my health insurance ... not his health insurance. He can afford it.
• Cut the other guy’s pay increase ... not my pay increase. I need the money.
• Cut the other company’s budget ... not my company’s budget. We need the money.
• Increase my tax refund ... not his tax refund. He already has enough stuff. I need the money.
• Lower my taxes ... not his taxes. He is rich and, if he were not rich, I would be rich.

Come to think of it, “they” may be right about “them”. Everyone knows that “they” cause all our problems ... or do they?

Would I kid u?