Our Unemployment And Homicide Rates...You Think You Understand What They Mean...But Do You?

Recently I decided I wanted to get a better understanding of the Unemployment and Homicide Rates in the Good Ole USofA. I went to U.S. Government Statisticians Lunch Room and made like I was one of them.

 

At first, since I was not recognized, I was treated with some skepticism but once I spouted off a sentence that was too long, full of buzz words which made no sense and chock full of numbers that were unrelated to each other, I was accepted.

 

After lunch we went back to an office that had a sign over the door which read “Conjureification Department” (that’s where they conjure up numbers to confuse us).

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Unemployment Rate...

I was shown a monthly chart that went back to the beginning of reported history of the U.S. Domestic Unemployment Rate. It was quite interesting.

 

Something caught my eye on the right side of the chart. It was identified as the “True Domestic Unemployment Rate”. Each of these rates had an asterisk next to it that referred to a footnote that simply said, “Ignore This Rate”.

 

The True Domestic Unemployment Rate was always much higher that the Domestic Unemployment Rate. When I inquired about this rate, I was told that this was the Unemployment Rate after adding in all the people who had stopped looking for work.

 

I asked how it was determined that a person had stopped looking for work. The explanation I got was so convoluted, long and complicated that I can’t possible repeat it to you. I did try hard to get a better understanding so as to educate you but I must have pressed too hard because I was told to shut up.

 

I then asked if a person who had stopped looking for work was still unemployed? The answer was yes but I was told that the Folks Back Home did not need to know about this. I pressed again and I again I must have pressed too hard because I was told to shut up.

 

I have often been told, You Can’t Beat a Dead Horse. At about this point I came to the realization that I had gone about as far as I could go on the Domestic Unemployment Rate and decided, If The Horse Is Dead, Get Off The Horse, so I moved on the Homicide Rate.

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Homicide Rate...

A few years ago the Homicide Rate in Honduras was reported by the United Nations as being 91 Killings for every 100,000 people (highest in the world at that time). At the same time the comparable Homicide Rate in the Good Ole USofA was Fewer Than 5.

 

While looking at the U.S. figures, I took note that the figures for Chicago’s Homicide Rate were set off to the side. When I asked what was going on with the Chicago Statistics they said that Chicago was not included in the Fewer Than 5 U.S. Homicide Rate.

 

At first the statisticians tried to change the subject but I really thought I was onto something, so I continued to ask why Chicago was not included in the U.S. Homicide Rate. Again I must have pressed too hard because I was again told to shut up.

 

I did not give up on this one. I continued to press them. All of them became very uneasy and started to sweat a lot and eventually they saw that I was not going to be deterred on this one.

 

Finally the Chief Statistician lowered his head and in a very soft voice said, “If we included Chicago, we would be higher than Honduras”.

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The Bottom Line...

In the future if you want the Unvarnished Truth and getting the Unvarnished Truth will require someone to contact the U.S. Government’s Statisticians on your behalf that someone cannot be me because they won’t let me in the front door anymore. I have been told to never come back.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Why Are Their Eyes So Big? Why Are They Talking So Fast?

There was a time when News Shows would introduce their panel of Talking Heads and there would be only 2 Talking Heads on the panel talking their heads. The just past political season seems to have promulgated Talking Head Panel Inflation...

My heavens! That’s 9 Talking Heads each vying for a precious few moments to convey to us (the breathless folks back home) their Sage Bits of Wisdom.

 

I intentionally said “bits” because that’s all the show has time for them to spew out before it’s the next head’s turn or that next Hard Break (that’s what they call a commercial).

 

All of them talk very fast and their eyes get wide as they speak. I once thought this was because they were bursting with information but now realize they are frantic to get out what they want to say (or have been told to say) before they lose their turn or the next Hard Break arrives.

 

It could be worse. The show is the Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer & Wolfie is not at the Talking Table.

 

I just put on my See Into The Future Hat & here is what I see...

Ø The Talking Tables of the future will expand to the point where there will be hundreds of Talking Heads at the Talking Tables.

Ø Initially they will be limited to a single sentence but over time that will be whittled down to a single word.

Ø There will be red lights in front of each Head and, if he dares say more than 1 word, the light will come on, a buzzer will sound and his mike will be cut off.

Ø Over time the single words that are spoken will be computerized, tabulated, analyzed and conclusions will be drawn as to what they were trying to tell us, if only they had been allowed to tell us.

Ø In the Good Ole USofA we are not allowed to disagree with computer analysis, therefore, we do not flinch when we are told something like, “The Talking Heads (who we all look to for guidance) have been telling us for years that we all ought to Eat More Purple Colored Foods Using Chop Sticks”.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Gone forever are the days when there were only 2 Talking Heads...

If you are not old enough to remember, allow me to remember for you. The above calm, cool and collected guys are Huntley and Brinkley of NBC News and, when they talked the news at us, their Eyes Did Not Get Big and they never Talked Faster than Our Ears Could Hear Them Talk.

Obvious Or Coincidence?

Wow! I say this action by the outgoing Federal Transit Administration Chief was Obvious. You may say it was a Coincidence. The best we can expect in this Obviously Crazy Political World we now live is a compromise as we settle on it being an Obvious Coincidence...Or was it?

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The State of California is in the process of building a Bullet Train from San Francisco and Sacramento in the north to Los Angeles and San Diego in the south.

 

I am not blogging about the benefits, or even the necessity, of the train except to say...It will cost a lot more than originally forecasted and will take a lot longer to build than originally forecasted. Such projects always do.

 

What I do want to blog about is the fact that something appears to be Obviously Obvious about an action taken by the outgoing Federal Transit Administration Chief on January 18, 2017.

 

Here are a couple of bullet point facts about all of this...

Ø Two days before she was no longer Federal Transit Administration Chief (January 18, 2017) the Federal Transit Administration Chief approved a $647 million federal grant for the Caltrain Commuter Service Bullet Train Project.

Ø The now former Federal Transit Administration Chief is now working at an engineering company that is a contractor for the Caltrain Commuter Service Bullet Train Project.

 

The late great Winston Churchill just came into my computer room and said over my shoulder, “California’s Bullet Train appears to be a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma”.

 

Before I got control of myself I did turn to confront Sir Winston and accuse him of becoming a bit dense in the 52 years since he died but I pulled up short and just smiled back at him when I saw he was smiling back at me.

 

In a split second I went from being disillusioned with our Federal Government and Winston Churchill to only being disillusioned with our Federal Government. I’ve been here before.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Sir Winston once made this same riddle/mystery/enigma comment about Russia but I always cut him some slack when he visits me. He was truly one of the great great men in the history of the world. If he wants to repeat himself to me, I don’t care. Besides he does not have that much to do anymore.

They Are The Same As They Were Before But They Are Better Because They Are Not The Same As They Were Before

You may find this hard to believe but this Blog Posting started out being one of my shorter ones. Read it anyway because it is Educational ... Or is it?

Oh well, maybe it’s not Educational but is it funny? ... I hope so.

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Just when we thought we understood what we understand, “they” upped and started changing what we understood. I wish “they” would leave well enough alone...

Ø Customer changed to Guest

Ø Employee changed to Associate

Ø Suspect changed to Person of Interest

Ø Tax Increase changed to Revenue Enhancement

Ø Tax Cut changed to Loss of Revenue

Ø Short changed to Height Challenged

Ø No Smoking changed to Smoke-Free Environment

Ø In men’s basketball...MVP (Most Valuable Player) changed to MOP (Most Outstanding Player)

Ø In women’s basketball...MVP (Most Valuable Player) changed to POY (Player of the Year)

Ø Mentally Retarded changed to Intellectual Disability

Ø Congressional Pork changed to Earmarks

Ø Secretary changed to Administrative Assistant changed to Administrative Professional

Ø Unemployed changed to Absent From Employment

Ø Strike changed to Industrial Action

Ø Drinking Fountain changed to Hydration Station

Ø Hungry changed to Food Insecure

Ø Short changed to Height Challenged

Ø Illegal Alien changed to Illegal Immigrant changed to Undocumented Immigrant changed to Undocumented Worker changed to Undocumented Citizen and Undocumented Voter.

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We seem to have a desperate need to get rid of all references to the Male Gender...

Ø Chairman changed to Chairperson or simply Chair but, for some unknown reason, Chairwoman is acceptable.

Ø Congressman changed to Congressperson but, for some unknown reason, Congresswoman is acceptable.

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If “they” can do it, The Fella can too...

Ø Penmanship changed to Penpersonship

Ø Railroad Pullman Car changed to Railroad Pullperson Car

Ø Manual Labor changed to Personual Labor

Ø Man Cave changed to Person Cave

Ø Manhandle changed to Personhandle

Ø Manhattan changed to Personhattan

Ø Mankind changed to Personkind

Ø Mandatory changed to Persondatory

Ø Manipulate changed to Personipulate

Ø Maniac changed to Personiac

Ø Attaboy changed to Attaperson

Ø A Man for All Seasons changed to a Person for All Seasons

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Retail “Progress”

Target Big Box Store:

Ø Target phased out gender-based signage in some departments. The shift comes in response to customer feedback that distinguishing between products for girls and boys is unnecessary and maybe even harmful.

Ø Signs in the kids' bedding areas of Target will no longer feature selections for boys or girls.

Ø In the toys aisles, references to gender were removed.

Ø The use of pink, blue, yellow or green paper on the walls of shelves were removed (I don’t understand yellow & green).

A customer applauded Target for listening to consumers who agreed that “color-coded” marketing is “regressive and harmful”.

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Religious Confusion...

Ø At one time in the Catholic Church we had Sermons delivered to us. All of a sudden the Sermon was changed to the Homily. We all sat around saying to each other, “What’s a Homily?” Then we were told that the change was made because a Sermon was perceived as talking down to us but a Homily did not talk down to us. The Bottom Line ... A Homily was the same as a Sermon but we still felt better. (Actually, I have never seen the harm at telling us we are going to hell if we don’t mend our evil ways, if we are, in fact, going to hell if we don’t mend out evil ways.)

Ø This one I will never categorize as progress... “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone at her” changed to “Let he who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her”.

Ø The Catholic Church has changed its scripture readings to be Gender Correct (Brothers changed to Brethren). Before the words were actually changed in the text itself, our lay people doing our scripture readings made the changes on the fly. One Sunday I was listening with rapt attention (as I always do) as the lady reader stumbled through the reading making everything Gender Neutral. She was having a stuttering hard time until she got to the last one and she just zipped right through it without hesitation... “The Sins of Man”. I wanted to shout at her, “Don’t you know that is The Sins of Personkind!” I resisted the urge because I don’t want to go to hell.

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OK, I am almost done being carried away but please allow me just one more ... Mailman changed to Personperson

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

We Are Constantly Being Warned By The Thousands Of People In Charge Of Warning Us That Guns Are Dangerous But There Is At Least One New Thing In My House That Appears to Be More Dangerous Than Guns

You better not skip over reading this Blog Posting because you are almost certain to have this Most Dangerous Item in your house also.

 

There are 24 Warnings that accompanied this item into my house. I’d like to think that your are burning with curiosity to know what they were but I’m a realists so I’ll tell you anyway...It is an Electric Heating Pad.

 

One of these Warnings is of great concern to me. I am told not to sit on or against the pad while in use. I am baffled by this one. What are we supposed to do wave it around the area of injury?

 

If I hurt my back (probably should have pecked out, “Next time I hurt my back”), of course, I am going to sit against that pad! That’s why I bought it. I need to get the heat up against the area that needs to be heated!

 

Oh well, it could be worse. I could be about to take a pill of some sort. We all know we should never do that because each of those little buggers comes with a minimum of 72 Warnings and Cautions.

 

I’ll finish up this bit that I certainly blogged about in the past but you probably skipped reading that one or you forgot what you read when you did not skip reading it.

 

The last child’s bicycle I assembled on Christmas Eve came in about 57 pieces. The first 2 were these Dire Warnings...

Ø The product must be assembled before use.

Ø This product must be assembled by a competent person.

I was fast running out of time, so I went ahead and assembled it anyway.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

At First They Laughed At Me But When I Told Them My Story Line They Stopped Laughing

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has become very transparent. There was a time when the Awarding of an Oscar was acknowledged as a Very Prestigious Event and a Symbol of Excellence for the recipient but not so any more.

 

Sorry Oscar Lovers out there but, in this writer’s opinion, all too many of these former Symbols of Excellence have become awards for subject matter ... Racial Harmony, Sexual Identity, Political Correctness, Environmental Concerns, etc.

 

Convinced that I am right in this belief, I decided to test it out and, if it is proven to be correct, I will get me an Academy Award. In short order I came up with a Story Line that would guarantee my taking home my Oscar. I set out for Hollywood determined to make my movie and become Movie Famous.

 

I was really excited after I easily secured an opportunity to make a presentation to one of the major film studios. However, it quickly became apparent that I was facing an unceremonious rejection and I was moments away from seeing the backs of my audience as they headed out the door to an early happy hour. Thank heaven I realized my mistake and changed the order of my presentation and, from that moment on, everything changed for the better.

 

I had mistakenly started off telling them of my movie making credentials. This was silly of me because I had no movie making credentials. Actually I have only seen about 3 movies in the last 10 years.

 

The reversal of fortune happened when I started presenting my Story Line...

Ø I told them that my movie was about a member of a minority group. I did not even specify which Minority Group because it is of no never mind to Hollywood which Minority Group is being portrayed on the silver screen. The only thing that matters to Hollywood is that the film is about a Minority Group and any Minority Group will fill the bill.

Ø Once I told them that my hero (I had named him Roger) was born with a decided limp, they were like putty in my hands.

Ø Roger had worked for years on Wall Street and he took pleasure in seeing little people lose their life fortunes while he got rich on their losses.

Ø When Roger decided that Nuclear Power was the worst evil to ever be foisted upon person kind, he turned away from fame and fortune on Wall Street and never looked back.

Ø He devoted his very existence to fighting against the Nuclear Energy Industry and on weekends he joined up with a group that tried to prevent whaling ships from getting anywhere near a whale.

Ø Roger carried his passion even further when he began specializing in Nuclear Energy Companies which also had a vested interest in the Coal Industry.

Ø Roger went further than further by singling out Nuclear Companies active in the Coal Industry who’s Boards of Directors had a history of eating steak.

Ø For the rest of his life he fought with every fiber of his being against anything with the word “Big” in it (Big Box, Big Steel, Big Noodle, Big Ben, Big Oil, Big Brother, Big Sister, Big Pharma, Big Wheels).

Ø He worked out of his meager apartment which he shared with his Significant Other who also had a Decided Limp.

 

As I finished the above Story Line I could actually see that the irises of their eyes had been replaced by little Statues of Oscar.

 

We start shooting next week.

 

See you next year at the Oscars!

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

When Is Complete Incomplete?

Today, February 27, 2017, the day after the Academy Awards the USA Today's Section D was almost entirely devoted to The Academy Awards.

 

On the top of the page there was this…

“89^th ACADEMY AWARDS Relive The Big Night With Us”.

Allow me to drag this out a little further. The newspaper said this...

"Join us for complete coverage of the 89th Academy Awards, including the most memorable speeches, viral moments, best (and worst) fashions, backstage interviews and after-party access".

What's wrong with this picture about the pictures?

 

It is the use of the word “complete”. Complete means they got it all. They got the whole enchilada. They left nothing out...Or did they?

 

I don’t mean to be picky (or do I don’t) but this Crack News Reporting Organization left out the Big Mistake Where They Gave The Best Picture Award To The Wrong Picture!

 

Oh that little thing. That’s not much...Or is that not?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

I’ve Often Wondered If There Was Any Difference Between A. A. Milne’s Pooh Bear And Bear Poo

If the silliness of the above title caught your attention, I have accomplished my intention to get you to, at least, start to read this Blog Posting instead of taking that nap you were contemplating.

 

This Foolishness is not about Pooh Bear or A. A. Milne but it is about Poo. My newspaper has told me about the dilemma in India concerning Indian Poo. Are you ready for this?...

Ø Hundreds of millions of Indians don’t use Toilets and millions do not want to use them either.

Ø Since the 1980s, a whole bunch of toilets have been built by successive governments but a whole bunch of that whole bunch are simply not being used.

Ø Toilet nonuse lies at the core of India’s most-pressing health and development problems, including the spread of bacteria and viruses, diarrheal deaths and childhood stunting.

Ø It also risks the safety of women who must go outside in the dark when nature calls at night.

Ø The governmental program has added 33 million new household toilets since 2014.

Ø The toilet-building frenzy shrouds a bigger problem: many who get toilets don’t use them because they consider it impure to use indoor toilets.

Ø Others simply don’t see the need to change.

Ø One interviewee said, “I like to take a walk and do my business away from where we sleep and pray”.

Ø The government has tried to persuade families to construct toilets, promising a $180 grant for completion. Most families wanted the money first, unable or unwilling to invest in something they didn’t consider a priority.

Ø The government has threatened to stop giving toiletless residents the jobs and subsidized food guaranteed by the government.

Ø A gap in the walls of a school whose large, grass-covered grounds had become a bathroom of choice was closed by the school principal. Dozens marched to the principal’s home in protest, wielding water buckets they carry for outside duty. The protesters then demolished the wall.

Ø A local official got his police friends to stage the faux arrest of four locals he had instructed to relieve themselves outside. He said this was an attempt to strike fear into his fellow citizens. It did not work.

Ø He also rented an auto-rickshaw with a loudspeaker that went around announcing that the transgressors’ electricity supply would be cut. It did not work.

Ø In another area, teams of saree-clad women kept daily vigil around lakes and grassy fields used by goers starting at 4:30 a.m. They shouted pro-toilet slogans and blew whistles at going offenders.

 

An official said, “Going to the toilet has become very political. “You can’t imagine the hostility we’ve encountered.”

 

My dear readers, after reading this Blog Posting, I can imagine you can imagine what he said you can’t imagine.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: In preparing this posting I refrained from including this...”he understands the spirit behind such moves”. I think it shows great restraint on my part to not make a wise crack about a sentence in an article about a subject such as this that includes the words “Behind” and “Moves”.

There Ought To Be Another Law

To be more specific about the above Subject Line...

There Ought To Be A Law Against Shaving One’s Head

In the old days, we used to see Bald Headed People. We knew they were Bald because they had hair around the sides and back of their heads but no hair in the top of their heads. As they walked by, we used to say to each other or to ourselves, “There goes a Bald Headed Person”.

 

Life was so simple in the Old Days but in these New Days things are so much more complicated.

 

I noticed this complication yesterday when I saw a politician on TV who had absolutely no hair on the sides, back or top of his head. I found myself saying to myself, “I wonder if he is bald?”

 

I have come to understand that, just because he had no hair, does not mean he has no hair. He may have shaved his full head of hair or he may have my Uncle Johnny’s Wide Part but there was no way to know for sure whether or not he had hair because he had no hair.

 

Politicians are getting more deceptive all the time. We all know and accept the fact that they lie because we see their lips moving but this Hair/No Hair Thing is going too far.

 

Politicians used to not want us to know they were bald but we could see they were bald because they wore Lying Toupees. We were comfortable with that. We expected that. It was a part of the Fabric of American Politics (whatever that is).

 

There is one other possibility about all this Balding Deception. It could be that the shavers are trying to trick us into thinking that they Play Basketball in the NBA.

 

However, there is a flaw in this line of thinking. If they played in the NBA they would be covered with Tattoos but the absence of Tattoos does not mean there are no Tattoos.

 

I saw one of the more famous NBA players being interviewed. When the lady with the microphone was running out of insightful questions she asked him how he had resisted getting his Wonderful Body Tattooed, like his fellow Wonderful Bodied Superstars were Tattooed.

 

He put his head down and smiled a bit sheepishly and said he actually had 24 Tattoos but they were where they could not be seen.

 

This is co confusing. I don’t know what to believe. I’ve always thought that this Blog of mine was read by Millions of People. Could it be that that is not true either?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella