They Are The Same As They Were Before But They Are Better Because They Are Not The Same As They Were Before

You may find this hard to believe but this Blog Posting started out being one of my shorter ones. Read it anyway because it is Educational ... Or is it?

Oh well, maybe it’s not Educational but is it funny? ... I hope so.

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Just when we thought we understood what we understand, “they” upped and started changing what we understood. I wish “they” would leave well enough alone...

Ø Customer changed to Guest

Ø Employee changed to Associate

Ø Suspect changed to Person of Interest

Ø Tax Increase changed to Revenue Enhancement

Ø Tax Cut changed to Loss of Revenue

Ø Short changed to Height Challenged

Ø No Smoking changed to Smoke-Free Environment

Ø In men’s basketball...MVP (Most Valuable Player) changed to MOP (Most Outstanding Player)

Ø In women’s basketball...MVP (Most Valuable Player) changed to POY (Player of the Year)

Ø Mentally Retarded changed to Intellectual Disability

Ø Congressional Pork changed to Earmarks

Ø Secretary changed to Administrative Assistant changed to Administrative Professional

Ø Unemployed changed to Absent From Employment

Ø Strike changed to Industrial Action

Ø Drinking Fountain changed to Hydration Station

Ø Hungry changed to Food Insecure

Ø Short changed to Height Challenged

Ø Illegal Alien changed to Illegal Immigrant changed to Undocumented Immigrant changed to Undocumented Worker changed to Undocumented Citizen and Undocumented Voter.

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We seem to have a desperate need to get rid of all references to the Male Gender...

Ø Chairman changed to Chairperson or simply Chair but, for some unknown reason, Chairwoman is acceptable.

Ø Congressman changed to Congressperson but, for some unknown reason, Congresswoman is acceptable.

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If “they” can do it, The Fella can too...

Ø Penmanship changed to Penpersonship

Ø Railroad Pullman Car changed to Railroad Pullperson Car

Ø Manual Labor changed to Personual Labor

Ø Man Cave changed to Person Cave

Ø Manhandle changed to Personhandle

Ø Manhattan changed to Personhattan

Ø Mankind changed to Personkind

Ø Mandatory changed to Persondatory

Ø Manipulate changed to Personipulate

Ø Maniac changed to Personiac

Ø Attaboy changed to Attaperson

Ø A Man for All Seasons changed to a Person for All Seasons

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Retail “Progress”

Target Big Box Store:

Ø Target phased out gender-based signage in some departments. The shift comes in response to customer feedback that distinguishing between products for girls and boys is unnecessary and maybe even harmful.

Ø Signs in the kids' bedding areas of Target will no longer feature selections for boys or girls.

Ø In the toys aisles, references to gender were removed.

Ø The use of pink, blue, yellow or green paper on the walls of shelves were removed (I don’t understand yellow & green).

A customer applauded Target for listening to consumers who agreed that “color-coded” marketing is “regressive and harmful”.

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Religious Confusion...

Ø At one time in the Catholic Church we had Sermons delivered to us. All of a sudden the Sermon was changed to the Homily. We all sat around saying to each other, “What’s a Homily?” Then we were told that the change was made because a Sermon was perceived as talking down to us but a Homily did not talk down to us. The Bottom Line ... A Homily was the same as a Sermon but we still felt better. (Actually, I have never seen the harm at telling us we are going to hell if we don’t mend our evil ways, if we are, in fact, going to hell if we don’t mend out evil ways.)

Ø This one I will never categorize as progress... “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone at her” changed to “Let he who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her”.

Ø The Catholic Church has changed its scripture readings to be Gender Correct (Brothers changed to Brethren). Before the words were actually changed in the text itself, our lay people doing our scripture readings made the changes on the fly. One Sunday I was listening with rapt attention (as I always do) as the lady reader stumbled through the reading making everything Gender Neutral. She was having a stuttering hard time until she got to the last one and she just zipped right through it without hesitation... “The Sins of Man”. I wanted to shout at her, “Don’t you know that is The Sins of Personkind!” I resisted the urge because I don’t want to go to hell.

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OK, I am almost done being carried away but please allow me just one more ... Mailman changed to Personperson

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

We Are Constantly Being Warned By The Thousands Of People In Charge Of Warning Us That Guns Are Dangerous But There Is At Least One New Thing In My House That Appears to Be More Dangerous Than Guns

You better not skip over reading this Blog Posting because you are almost certain to have this Most Dangerous Item in your house also.

 

There are 24 Warnings that accompanied this item into my house. I’d like to think that your are burning with curiosity to know what they were but I’m a realists so I’ll tell you anyway...It is an Electric Heating Pad.

 

One of these Warnings is of great concern to me. I am told not to sit on or against the pad while in use. I am baffled by this one. What are we supposed to do wave it around the area of injury?

 

If I hurt my back (probably should have pecked out, “Next time I hurt my back”), of course, I am going to sit against that pad! That’s why I bought it. I need to get the heat up against the area that needs to be heated!

 

Oh well, it could be worse. I could be about to take a pill of some sort. We all know we should never do that because each of those little buggers comes with a minimum of 72 Warnings and Cautions.

 

I’ll finish up this bit that I certainly blogged about in the past but you probably skipped reading that one or you forgot what you read when you did not skip reading it.

 

The last child’s bicycle I assembled on Christmas Eve came in about 57 pieces. The first 2 were these Dire Warnings...

Ø The product must be assembled before use.

Ø This product must be assembled by a competent person.

I was fast running out of time, so I went ahead and assembled it anyway.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

At First They Laughed At Me But When I Told Them My Story Line They Stopped Laughing

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has become very transparent. There was a time when the Awarding of an Oscar was acknowledged as a Very Prestigious Event and a Symbol of Excellence for the recipient but not so any more.

 

Sorry Oscar Lovers out there but, in this writer’s opinion, all too many of these former Symbols of Excellence have become awards for subject matter ... Racial Harmony, Sexual Identity, Political Correctness, Environmental Concerns, etc.

 

Convinced that I am right in this belief, I decided to test it out and, if it is proven to be correct, I will get me an Academy Award. In short order I came up with a Story Line that would guarantee my taking home my Oscar. I set out for Hollywood determined to make my movie and become Movie Famous.

 

I was really excited after I easily secured an opportunity to make a presentation to one of the major film studios. However, it quickly became apparent that I was facing an unceremonious rejection and I was moments away from seeing the backs of my audience as they headed out the door to an early happy hour. Thank heaven I realized my mistake and changed the order of my presentation and, from that moment on, everything changed for the better.

 

I had mistakenly started off telling them of my movie making credentials. This was silly of me because I had no movie making credentials. Actually I have only seen about 3 movies in the last 10 years.

 

The reversal of fortune happened when I started presenting my Story Line...

Ø I told them that my movie was about a member of a minority group. I did not even specify which Minority Group because it is of no never mind to Hollywood which Minority Group is being portrayed on the silver screen. The only thing that matters to Hollywood is that the film is about a Minority Group and any Minority Group will fill the bill.

Ø Once I told them that my hero (I had named him Roger) was born with a decided limp, they were like putty in my hands.

Ø Roger had worked for years on Wall Street and he took pleasure in seeing little people lose their life fortunes while he got rich on their losses.

Ø When Roger decided that Nuclear Power was the worst evil to ever be foisted upon person kind, he turned away from fame and fortune on Wall Street and never looked back.

Ø He devoted his very existence to fighting against the Nuclear Energy Industry and on weekends he joined up with a group that tried to prevent whaling ships from getting anywhere near a whale.

Ø Roger carried his passion even further when he began specializing in Nuclear Energy Companies which also had a vested interest in the Coal Industry.

Ø Roger went further than further by singling out Nuclear Companies active in the Coal Industry who’s Boards of Directors had a history of eating steak.

Ø For the rest of his life he fought with every fiber of his being against anything with the word “Big” in it (Big Box, Big Steel, Big Noodle, Big Ben, Big Oil, Big Brother, Big Sister, Big Pharma, Big Wheels).

Ø He worked out of his meager apartment which he shared with his Significant Other who also had a Decided Limp.

 

As I finished the above Story Line I could actually see that the irises of their eyes had been replaced by little Statues of Oscar.

 

We start shooting next week.

 

See you next year at the Oscars!

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

When Is Complete Incomplete?

Today, February 27, 2017, the day after the Academy Awards the USA Today's Section D was almost entirely devoted to The Academy Awards.

 

On the top of the page there was this…

“89^th ACADEMY AWARDS Relive The Big Night With Us”.

Allow me to drag this out a little further. The newspaper said this...

"Join us for complete coverage of the 89th Academy Awards, including the most memorable speeches, viral moments, best (and worst) fashions, backstage interviews and after-party access".

What's wrong with this picture about the pictures?

 

It is the use of the word “complete”. Complete means they got it all. They got the whole enchilada. They left nothing out...Or did they?

 

I don’t mean to be picky (or do I don’t) but this Crack News Reporting Organization left out the Big Mistake Where They Gave The Best Picture Award To The Wrong Picture!

 

Oh that little thing. That’s not much...Or is that not?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

I’ve Often Wondered If There Was Any Difference Between A. A. Milne’s Pooh Bear And Bear Poo

If the silliness of the above title caught your attention, I have accomplished my intention to get you to, at least, start to read this Blog Posting instead of taking that nap you were contemplating.

 

This Foolishness is not about Pooh Bear or A. A. Milne but it is about Poo. My newspaper has told me about the dilemma in India concerning Indian Poo. Are you ready for this?...

Ø Hundreds of millions of Indians don’t use Toilets and millions do not want to use them either.

Ø Since the 1980s, a whole bunch of toilets have been built by successive governments but a whole bunch of that whole bunch are simply not being used.

Ø Toilet nonuse lies at the core of India’s most-pressing health and development problems, including the spread of bacteria and viruses, diarrheal deaths and childhood stunting.

Ø It also risks the safety of women who must go outside in the dark when nature calls at night.

Ø The governmental program has added 33 million new household toilets since 2014.

Ø The toilet-building frenzy shrouds a bigger problem: many who get toilets don’t use them because they consider it impure to use indoor toilets.

Ø Others simply don’t see the need to change.

Ø One interviewee said, “I like to take a walk and do my business away from where we sleep and pray”.

Ø The government has tried to persuade families to construct toilets, promising a $180 grant for completion. Most families wanted the money first, unable or unwilling to invest in something they didn’t consider a priority.

Ø The government has threatened to stop giving toiletless residents the jobs and subsidized food guaranteed by the government.

Ø A gap in the walls of a school whose large, grass-covered grounds had become a bathroom of choice was closed by the school principal. Dozens marched to the principal’s home in protest, wielding water buckets they carry for outside duty. The protesters then demolished the wall.

Ø A local official got his police friends to stage the faux arrest of four locals he had instructed to relieve themselves outside. He said this was an attempt to strike fear into his fellow citizens. It did not work.

Ø He also rented an auto-rickshaw with a loudspeaker that went around announcing that the transgressors’ electricity supply would be cut. It did not work.

Ø In another area, teams of saree-clad women kept daily vigil around lakes and grassy fields used by goers starting at 4:30 a.m. They shouted pro-toilet slogans and blew whistles at going offenders.

 

An official said, “Going to the toilet has become very political. “You can’t imagine the hostility we’ve encountered.”

 

My dear readers, after reading this Blog Posting, I can imagine you can imagine what he said you can’t imagine.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: In preparing this posting I refrained from including this...”he understands the spirit behind such moves”. I think it shows great restraint on my part to not make a wise crack about a sentence in an article about a subject such as this that includes the words “Behind” and “Moves”.

There Ought To Be Another Law

To be more specific about the above Subject Line...

There Ought To Be A Law Against Shaving One’s Head

In the old days, we used to see Bald Headed People. We knew they were Bald because they had hair around the sides and back of their heads but no hair in the top of their heads. As they walked by, we used to say to each other or to ourselves, “There goes a Bald Headed Person”.

 

Life was so simple in the Old Days but in these New Days things are so much more complicated.

 

I noticed this complication yesterday when I saw a politician on TV who had absolutely no hair on the sides, back or top of his head. I found myself saying to myself, “I wonder if he is bald?”

 

I have come to understand that, just because he had no hair, does not mean he has no hair. He may have shaved his full head of hair or he may have my Uncle Johnny’s Wide Part but there was no way to know for sure whether or not he had hair because he had no hair.

 

Politicians are getting more deceptive all the time. We all know and accept the fact that they lie because we see their lips moving but this Hair/No Hair Thing is going too far.

 

Politicians used to not want us to know they were bald but we could see they were bald because they wore Lying Toupees. We were comfortable with that. We expected that. It was a part of the Fabric of American Politics (whatever that is).

 

There is one other possibility about all this Balding Deception. It could be that the shavers are trying to trick us into thinking that they Play Basketball in the NBA.

 

However, there is a flaw in this line of thinking. If they played in the NBA they would be covered with Tattoos but the absence of Tattoos does not mean there are no Tattoos.

 

I saw one of the more famous NBA players being interviewed. When the lady with the microphone was running out of insightful questions she asked him how he had resisted getting his Wonderful Body Tattooed, like his fellow Wonderful Bodied Superstars were Tattooed.

 

He put his head down and smiled a bit sheepishly and said he actually had 24 Tattoos but they were where they could not be seen.

 

This is co confusing. I don’t know what to believe. I’ve always thought that this Blog of mine was read by Millions of People. Could it be that that is not true either?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

I Am So Pleased!

Just when I was beginning to lose faith in the Younger Generation, I am seeing a dramatic change for the better!

 

That Rembrandt fellow was one great painter and his Night Watch is one of his most famous works of art. The youth of today have become aware of his greatness and are flocking to museums which exhibit his works.

 

My faith in the younger generation has been restored...Or has it?

 

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

My Men Readers Will Appreciate This More Than My Women Readers

About 5 years ago I was walking through Home Depot looking for the beer (Yes, it was one of my Confused Days) and I happened upon a potential Impulse Purchase that was about to become My Impulse Purchase and I impulsively purchased it.

This is why my men readers appreciate this Blog Posting more than my women readers. We do such things as this and it then becomes a two-stage happening...

Ø Stage 1...We buy it.

Ø Stage 2...We put it in the garage and every time we see it in the garage we say to our collective selves, “Self, why did I buy this?”

 

Since last Thursday I have came to full understand that I am an Excellent Impulse Shopper.

 

My back attacked me with a vengeance last Wednesday afternoon. I had to sleep in my once sweaty tennis clothes that night because I could not take off my socks and I have an aversion to taking a shower with my socks on.

 

Picking up something off the floor was almost impossible and necessitated slowly getting down on 1 knee still slowly reaching down and picking up what needed to be picked up.

 

It is also an interesting phenomenon that, when one hurts one’s back like this, one drops far more things than one normally drops his things.

 

Why do we say, “Needless to say” and then we automatically go on to say what it was needless to say? I’m going to do it here, “Needless to say, I picked up a whole bunch more things with my Nifty Impulse Purchase in the last few days than I picked up with it since I bought it 5 years ago. All this time my nifty Impulse Purchase sat in my garage saying to itself, ‘Why did he buy me?’”.

 

Since this is near the Bottom Line of this Posting, I will now give you the Bottom Line...

If you see one of these Grabber/Pinchy Thingies in Home Depot, buy it. If you have a bad back, you are going to need it. If you don’t have a bad back, buy it anyway, because someday you are going to have a bad back.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

What I Would Like To See And Hear

Here I Go Being Picky Again

This is what I keep seeing and hearing:

Ø Iran keeps shooting off Ballistic-Missiles.

Ø During an interview, an Iranian Spokesman claims that these missiles are not for the purpose of sending nuclear missiles to those places that Iran keeps saying it intends to send nuclear missiles to in order to wipe those places off the face of the Earth.

Ø The Spokesman smiles as he goes on to say that these are peaceful missiles which are intended to be used to put into orbit Weather and Communication Satellites.

Ø The Interviewer appears to be satisfied with that answer, smiles and goes on to another question about a completely different subject.

 

This is what I would like to see and hear:

The fourth bullet above replaced with this bullet...

Ø The Interviewer says to the Iranian Spokesman, “Mr. Spokesman, if the missile launch was intended for the future insertion of Weather and Communication Satellites, why did you just say the missile failed on re-entry? Weather and Communication Satellites have no need for re-entry. They are supposed to stay up there.”

 

Would they kid us?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Now you can see why I was turned down when I applied to be an Interviewer.

Remembering E.F. Hutton

Remember those E.F. Hutton TV Commercials in the late 1970s and early ‘80s where the announcer used that line, “When E.F. Hutton Talks, People Listen”? Everyone in the picture stopped what they were doing and leaned toward the E.F. Hutton Talking Person. That commercial was certainly an attention getter.

 

It appears China has taken this Listening Thing to a whole new level. They have been “listening” to the world for years. Only, in the case of China, they have been listening and stealing what they heard while listening regarding Technology and Manufacturing Secrets. Then China has been competing against those who they stole the Technology and Manufacturing Secrets from in the world market.

 

I have it on reliable sources that what they have been doing is dressing up their Listeners as Potted Plants (guess who they stole this idea from?) and strategically placing their Plant Listeners in Make-It-Happen Companies all over the world. You can tell if the plant over there is a Chinese Plant Listener if, as soon as some Trade Secret begins being discussed, the plant leans toward the speaker.

 

China has been working so hard at stealing that they are not able to do some pretty ordinary manufacturing tasks on their own. I’ll give you an example that my newspaper just told me about...

·        Chinese manufacturers produce 38 billion ballpoint pens a year.

·        This is 80% of the global ballpoint market.

·        They have not, however, produced the Nib (the part that holds the ball at the tip).

·        After a five-year effort, one Chinese company recently achieved this mission of national interest.

 

Don’t blame me. My newspaper came up with the words “of national interest”. It does not sound like that big a deal to me.

 

I must be wrong about my No Big Deal Statement above. A Chinese spokesman said this, “It’s meaningful to have a breakthrough in the core technology for the domestic industry. What if there’s a war?”

 

It sure seems like the Chinese are planning ahead. When they go to war they want to be able to use their Made in China by Chinese Ballpoint Pens to write bad things about whoever they are warring upon.

 

Here Is Where I Go Off On Another (But Related) Tangent

I’ve often wondered about all this talk about the Chinese planning to kill everybody. Follow along with me as I imagine the rulers of China discussing the possibility of going to war. The Big Chinese Warmonger says the following...

·        Fedwick is very important to the economy of China.

·        We export 65% of everything we make to Fedwick.

·        72% of our workers are employed in making Chinese products for export to Fedwick.

·        I hereby propose that at dawn tomorrow we launch 300 Mao Missiles at Fedwick and wipe it and its Chinese Product Consuming People off the face of the Earth.

 

Does that not sound kind of drastic? Does that not sound kind of stupid? Let’s all hope they are not prone to drastic and stupid because my wild and crazy made-up numbers above may be Made-Up Foolishness but I’m pretty certain we are Fedwick.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella