Time’s Magazine’s Brilliant People & Their Not So Brilliant Plan Of Action

I have not bought a Time Magazine in decades. I’m not sure how long it was since I bought one but I think the price was somewhere around $.50. Based on what I paid for the one I just bought, it will probably be the last one I ever buy.

 

I paid $6.99. When the clerk told me the price I said, “No, I don’t want a six-pack. I just want one”.

 

I became curious about what would make those Brilliant People at Time Magazine think they could charge $6.99 for their magazine. You know what happens when I get curious.

 

You guessed it. I put on my Potted Plant Outfit and drove to Time’s Headquarters in New York City and slithered my way into their board meeting. What I found out was these brilliant people who run Time Magazine are not too smart.

 

Here is their plan for the future...

Ø They are going to continue to raise the price of their magazine.

Ø They are planning to go after a smaller market of very rich people.

Ø I actually heard one of them say, “Once we get the price up to $1,000,000 an issue we will have it made”.

Ø They have figured out they will only need to sell 10 issues per publication at $1,000,000 and they will be in able to make an excellent profit that will generate very nice bonuses into the foreseeable future.

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Actually, as illogical as this thinking is, I see another major problem on the horizon for Time Magazine.

 

In my $6.99 issue I read a story about the recent Presidential Election that contained this quote from a Hillary Clinton supporter, “I thought, when Hillary becomes President, girls will be treated better. Boys wouldn’t boss them around anymore.”

 

I will not get into any commentary about whether or not there is any basis in fact about why this would be true or not. I would like to make you aware that this quote came from a 10 Year Old Girl.

 

Does Time Magazine really think it can get us to spend somewhere between $6.99 to $1,000,000 an issue by interviewing 10 Year Old Children?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

I Don’t Know Who’s Training Our Criminals to Be Criminals But They Are Doing A Bad Job Of It

There once was a time when people who did bad things to other people tried to hide the fact that they were doing bad things to other people.

 

They used to wear masks and sneak around in the dark to conceal who they were. They did their level best to hide their identity and made every effort to not get caught.

 

All of this has changed and it has The Fella in a quandary.

 

Did you just say, “Fella, what the heck are you talking about? Give me one example of criminals exposing and identifying themselves so that they end up being apprehended by the authorities because they exposed and identified themselves.”

 

The Fella says back to you, “WhatsDaMatterFaYou”? Have you not been reading the newspapers or watching the news on TV or overhearing the conversation at the next table in Starbucks or listening to the car radio while you drive around texting?

 

The four teenagers who tortured a Special-Needs (formerly known as Handicapped) 18-year-old for somewhere around 25 minutes not only did awful things but they wanted to world to know what they had done and who they were that had done these awful things because they Streamed their awful things on Facebook Live.

 

I admit I am Grasping At Straws here but I’m looking for an explanation as to why they wanted to expose themselves to capture like this. It came to me that maybe they did not know what they were doing was wrong and, therefore, their actions would not upset people. I quickly realized that this was an erroneous Straw Grasping because they have been charged with...

Ø A hate crime.

Ø Felony aggravated kidnapping.

Ø Aggravated unlawful restraint.

Ø Aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.

Ø Residential burglary.

Ø Possession of a stolen motor vehicle.

 

I Googled to find out which company trained these 4 Mental Midgets and found out they are graduates of one of the industry’s largest training companies, Criminal Trainers R Us.

 

I sure hope they have a money back guarantee so they can get their stolen tuition money back.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

(Those of you who support President Obama should resist not reading this blog posting. You ought to know my blogs better than to think my foolishness is partisan political and this one carries on that tradition, But It Is Funny, so read on.)…I Think It Is Close Enough To President Obama Leaving Office That I Can Safely Say He Has Failed

Eight years ago, after President Obama was elected, I wrote him a personal blog posting that implored him to take action on ten issues that were of the utmost importance to me and to all people in the Good Ole USofA.

 

As you read those requests below, no matter your side of the political spectrum, I’m sure you will agree that each request is insightful, well thought out, logical and would have made America a better place to live in, if only he had taken action on them.

 

He has not delivered on any single one of these requests, hence I feel I can safely say...He Has Failed!

 

Dear Mr. New President

(Posted by SmartFella? Wednesday, April 29, 2009)

Please take into consideration the pressing issues I am directing to your attention by way of this communication…
 

Ø Tattoos … Make sports teams with the largest amount of tattoos lose every game.

Ø Tattoos Again … Until you get legislation passed regarding my tattoo request above, please electronically put those smudges that hide the faces of criminals on the nightly news over all of their tattoos.

Ø Radio & TV … Require that the announcers on all commercials stop shouting at the American People.

Ø RAP Artists … Require that they get real names and learn how to spell.

Ø Handicapped Parking Spots … Require that anyone who parks in a handicapped parking space, that is not handicapped, become handicapped.

Ø Postal Service … Require that the Counter Agents at the Post Offices smile once an hour.

Ø Postal Service, Again … Require that Counter Agents not go on break as soon as the number of people waiting in line gets to six.

Ø Privacy Notices … Stop sending those Privacy Notices every time we turn around and have the heads examined of the three people in the United States who actually do read them.

Ø Dumb White Guys … Stop TV commercial makers from always depicting White Males as ignorant buffoons. I find it unrealistic and insulting that we have to always be instructed how to do anything and everything by every other type of species on the planet. This includes other men, women, children and talking animals.

Ø SUV Drivers … Those SUV Drivers that can't seem to fit their vehicles within the lines of their respective parking spaces should have their SUV taken away and replaced with a Yugo.

Mr. President, I am well aware that you may have one or two more pressing issues on your plate than some of my requests. I trust that you will do your best to get right on what I am asking of you because, I am equally certain, you can see that the need for action on each of these pressing issues is self-evident.

Please do instruct your Chief Of Staff to advise me once these ten have been addressed and I will send you some more.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: I sent him 10 requests for his consideration and action. I now see that I should have sent him 11...

Ø Please see to it that Talk Radio has more Talk than Commercials.

 

No Dogs Allowed...Or Are They?

No Dogs Allowed Signs were once all over the Good Ole USofA. Now anyone who would dare hang up such a sign will probably find their business picketed within hours and sued before that day is out.

 

My wife and I just got back from a 53rd Anniversary 3 night stay at a Very Fancy Hotel. We were conspicuous by our presence. The other guests seemed to know that we did not belong. They kept giving us a wide berth as we walked down the halls, stared at us in disbelief as we approached and, on one occasion, a terrified guest actually turned and run in the opposite direction.

 

OK, I admit I exaggerated in the above paragraph...Or did I?

 

Again I know what you are thinking. You are certain this hotel is one place where dogs are not allowed...Or are they?

 

Actually there were dogs all over this fancy hotel. The rooms in which the dogs stayed had special door knob hanger signs which read, “Pet In Residence”.

 

In the old days a dog owner, upon checking into a motel, would be required by Motel Law to announce that he had a dog in the car and the counter agent would show him and his dog to the kennels out back.

 

The next morning when he went to get his dog, Fido’s eyes were as big as quarters and he was more overjoyed than usual to see his owner.

 

As your daughter carried Fido to the car she just might say, “Daddy, Fido feels like he gained weight”. And you would respond, “That’s his new fleas”.

 

Those days are gone. Now the dogs of the Good Ole USofA are not only welcomed and catered to in Fancy Hotels where our presence is suspect but they are “In Residence”.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Here I Was Minding My Own Business While Eating My Breakfast And Then I Noticed

I know you know I am a Noticer but did you know I can Chew and Notice at the same time? Well now you know and here is what I noticed while chewing my breakfast last Friday. I bet you are all excited with anticipation...Or are you?

 

There were several families with small children within my Range of Notice. They were all doing the same thing to their adorable small children. They were frequently kissing their adorable small children. (I could have said “constantly” but that would be exaggerating and I never exaggerate...Or was I?...Or do I?)

 

I know you just said out loud, “You are right, Fella, the modern American family does that all the time! I surely don’t notice as much as you notice but even I have taken notice of this!”

 

Yes, this is what we do to our children in the Good Ole USofA today. We kiss our children all over their adorable little heads.

 

Many times the child is not aware that it has been kissed because we kiss them on the top of their heads. This seems like a wasted kiss to me. If we are going to kiss them we ought to make sure that they know we have kissed them.

 

We need to build up credit in their small minds so that we can delay the time in their teen-age years when they decide that we don’t know what we are talking about about anything we talk about.

 

We need to delay that awful day when our once adorable small children decide that they need to follow what their peers do in everything that their peers do.

 

This is when we are shocked into stunned disbelief by the realization that our child has decided that his schoolyard buddy, who had 3 D’s & 2 F’s on his last report card, is smarter than we are.

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Fast forward 18 years and your once adorable child has moved through his smarter-than-you-teen-age years and has graduated collage. Today you are waiting for his return from his first job interview.

 

He arrives and the look on his adorable face and the body language exhibited from his adorable body makes your heart sink.

 

You are afraid to ask but you do, “You did not get the job did you?”

 

He responds, “No, I got the job”.

 

You say, “Please, tell me what happened. Tell me the whole story. Why do you look so unhappy?”

 

Your son talks in Bullets Points. It is one of the things that make him so special and quite easy to understand...

Ø The whole interview went quite well.

Ø I was greeted warmly.

Ø I was offered coffee and my choice if a gluten-free croissant or a gluten-free bagel.

Ø It became obvious that the interviewer (who asked me to call him to call him by his first name, Angelina Jolie) was actually intimidated by me because he came right out and told me that he was not going to ask me any tough questions because he knew I was smart because I graduated from a northeastern university that can’t play football very well.

Ø In short order, I was offered a position.

Ø I know what you are thinking, dad, you think they offered me a very low salary and, as you predicted, I am going to have to live in a small start-up apartment, but that’s not the case. The salary I was offered will allow me to live in a house that is larger than this house in which you raised me and my 7 brothers and sisters.

 

At this point I had to interrupt his bullet points and I blurted out, “Why then are you so unhappy?”

 

His answer broke my heart as he said to me with his tear-filled eyes and quivering voice, “My interviewer did not kiss me, dad, he did not even kiss me where I could not see him kissing me! It was awful!”

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Congressional Hearings are Important…Or Are They?

What Is The Purpose Of Congressional Hearings?

Ø When Congressional Hearings are announced I could swear I hear trumpets in the background.

Ø Once Congressional Hearings get underway their proceedings are splashed across our TV screens for days or even weeks at a time.

Ø Their “progress” is reported on the nightly news...day after day.

Ø Dozens of witnesses come to testify.

Ø Many witnesses refuse to testify and nothing happens to them because they refuse to testify, except it is reported that they refused to testify.

Ø In order to keep the Folks Back Home (that’s us) confused there are several types of Hearings...Standing Committees, Select Committees, Joint Committees and Conference Committees.

Ø Many of the Congressional Committee Member’s Chairs are unoccupied by Congressional People during the Congressional Hearings.

Ø Occasionally they hold people in Contempt of Congress. When this happens I used to sit up and say to myself, “Oh no! Not Contempt of Congress! This is getting serious!” but, in reality, nothing happens to those held in Contempt of Congress other than they are held in Contempt of Congress.

 

Interesting Note: Congressional Committees are actually Killing Machines because 86% of all Bills and Acts die in Committee. This is a good thing. Can you imagine how confused we would be if they did not stop all these “Good Intensions” from becoming Law?

 

The other important purpose of holding Congressional Hearings appears to be to hold Congressional Hearings.

 

I pecked out in the second to last bullet above that many of the Congressional People’s Seats are unoccupied but, in the interest of fairness I am compelled to point out, they are not always unoccupied. They actually become occupied starting about 5 minutes before the Congressional Person assigned to that seat starts asking his questions.

 

Most of the Congressional People do not appear until it is time for them to ask their questions and the questions are very likely written by one of their aides (who probably has been on the job a week or so after becoming very smart in an Ivy League School).

 

Once these In and Out Congressional People have asked their questions, they get up and leave. If the Congressional Hearing is so important and all the questions are so important, why do all the committee members not hang around to hear all that important stuff asked and the important answers given?

 

I know the answer to this question and you are about to know what I know. The answer as to where they are when they are not in their chairs is they are back in their chambers doing 2 things...

Ø Scheming to become a Committee Chairman so they can hold Congressional Hearings of their own which will bear their names (Kefauver Committee Hearings, Senator Whiplash Committee Hearings, McClellan Committee Hearings on Organized Crime).

Ø They are warming up their elbows for Happy Hour.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: It gives me hope that Congress sees its shortcomings because it has a Committee named, “Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence”. What dashes my hope into the dirt is this Committee has been functioning since 1977 and I have not seen any Progress Reports issued as of yet.

Fake News Is In The News

They (whoever “they” are) are all talking about Fake News. It’s one of those things that you hear about for the first time one day and then, every time you turn around, you are hearing about it again from some other direction. With regard to this Fake News avalanche, I even stopped turning around and the onslaught did not slow down one bit.

This started me thinking about how I could use this to my own advantage. Like a bolt from the blue it came to me how I might dramatically increase sales for my little-read book. I am now on the verge of putting out onto the Internet such juicy Fake News items as these...

Ø Because of its delightful play on words and the exquisite nifty humor that can be found in almost every paragraph of Foolishness...Or Is It?, this once obscure little book has started flying off the shelves in book stores nationwide. Better get yours while supply lasts.

Ø Yesterday the late Albert Einstein walked into the offices of the New York Times and asked to be interviewed about an, up until now, little-read book entitled Foolishness...Or Is It?. He explained that, when he was alive, he had a problem of not being able to relax which usually caused him to not being able to communicate his ideas clearly. He said that’s why it was so hard for others to understand his theories. If he had been able to relax with this wonderful book, he would not have become so uptight and frustrated with those around him who kept looking at him with those confused looks on their faces. He said those confused looks haunt him to this very day.

Ø About to be Ex-President Obama, has bought 25 copies of the Smartfella’s book Foolishness...Or Is It?. When questioned by reporters as to why he had bought so many, the White House Press Secretary explained that he wanted to have one for each of the 22 bathrooms in his new Washington D.C., his new Rancho Mirage and his Magnum P.I. Hawaiian homes, all of which he is in the process of buying. A reporter pressed about why he needed the extra 3 books (everyone knows these 3 homes only have a total of 22 bathrooms). Josh Earnest looked at the reporter with distain as he responded, “Of course, he needs to have one on the bed side table in each home so he can relax with them before he goes to sleep”.

 

What do you think about my plan? Use Comments at the bottom of this Blog Posting to give me some encouragement to go ahead and do this because I’ve never used Fake News before.

 

On second thought, ForgetAboutIt. Everyone else is using Fake News, so why not me too? By the time you get your comments posted, I will already have sent out my Fake News Stories and will be already reaping the Real Rewards.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

I Had The Craziest Dream Last Night

I dreamed that I was a successful entrepreneur in the Good Ole USofA.  

I was well respected in my community. I employed many heads of families. They all loved me for what I am doing, had done, and, apparently, will continue to do for Fellow Man into the foreseeable future.

 

To those of you who are Politically Correct, please don’t comment on this Blog Posting and tell me I should have said “Fellow Person” instead of “Fellow Man”. Leave me be. I’m busy creating silliness here!

 

Then the unbelievable happened. One day a representative of our Federal Government from the Department of National Confusion came to see me.

 

I was immediately nervous and in short order I found out that I had something to be nervous about.

 

He used about 7,000 words he explained to me what he could have explained to me in about 27 words and, when he had finished, I realized that I was in deep trouble!

 

It seems that my Federal Government had found out about a new policy I had instituted in my company last week. I was surprised that he had found out about my new policy and, since I know all facets of the Federal Government are Transparent, I came right out and asked how he had found out and he just smiled at me. This made me feel even more uneasy.

 

He then laid out what he had uncovered about my newly instituted policy in minute detail. After he finished, I summoned up the courage to ask, “Well, what’s wrong with that?”

 

He did not smile this time as he leaned across my desk and looked right into my disbelieving eyes and very slowly said, “By law you cannot do that because it makes too much sense to do that and, if you do not rescind what you have done, don’t think for minute that we will not know that you have continued on this logical course of action and, don’t think for another minute that there will not be consequences for you, your family and your taxes.” (They always speak in long sentences.)

 

And then he was gone. Actually he went away so fast I don’t think he left through the door to my office. He just went POOF and a lingering mist drifted toward my sweating brow.

 

A cold chill continued to sweep across me. For awhile I was in quandary about how to reverse my just-announce new policy but all is now well. I googled “Federal Government r Us” and found a pamphlet entitled, “How to Reverse Brilliant Productive Policies in 63 Confusing Convoluted and Hard to Implement Steps”.

 

Oh well, at least I now have a Confusing Convoluted and Hard to Implement way out of my predicament and I will never see that guy in my office again...Or will I?

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Thank heaven this was only a dream and this has never happened to anyone in the Good Ole USofA...Or was it?...Or has it not?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Vladimir And His People Appear To Like President-Elect Trump And Me

Year to date I have had 142 hits on my Foolishness...Or Is It Web Site from people who live in Russia. That is a good thing unto itself but in the last month I have caught fire over there. 

In the last 30 days I have had 127 of the above mentioned 142 hits and 88 of them came from St. Petersburg. Up until this 88 Hit Deluge there had been only 1 hit from ole St. Petersburg!

 

Have any of you been in St, Petersburg for the last month?

 

If not, this can only mean The Fella has been discovered in Russia!

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Attention St. Petersburg Readers:

I hate to think of the disappointment you must feel anytime you check my blog only to find out that I have not published that particular day.

 

This month must have been especially hard on you because I was operated on and did not produce a Foolishness for 9 whole days. You must have been beside your collective selves!

 

I have a way out of your unhappy predicament. Send your email address to zooombuggy-stpete@yahoo.com and I will put you on my Official Notification List. Then, every time I publish, you will get a Notification of Foolishness Creation Email and you can go to the Foolishness...Or Is It web site and enjoy yourself.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you,

The Fella

Judge to Defendant, “Do You Understand The Charges Against You?” Defendant to Judge, “Huh?” ... Part 2

None of us want to go to jail. That being said, there is a pretty good chance that some who are in jail do not know why they are in jail.

Below are actual crimes I have read about in the newspaper...

·         A Church Was Set Afire ... The charge was, “Use of fire to commit a felony”. (What happened to tried and true Arson?)

·         Another Church Was Set Afire ... The charge was, “Damage or destruction to religious property”. (Kind of makes one think that, if it were not religious property and just plain ole property, no crime would have been committed.)

·         Murder ... The charge was, “Malicious Murder”. When is a murder not malicious? (If the murder was not malicious, might the dead person still be alive?)

·         Our City Hall Was Spray Painted ... The charge was, “Interference with government property”. (What happened to Vandalism? Sort of sounds like one of those big columns in front of City Hall wanted to move to the other side of the building to get out of the sun and somebody blocked its way.)

I bet that some of you are still thinking I make these things up. If I made them up, they would be foolish but they would not be this silly. There is a distinction. Just don’t ask me to explain the distinction.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: This Lagniappe was added 12/14/16.

I could go into a tirade about how we ought to ban all forms of communication about crimes that are committed because it gives the less-innovative criminals among us ideas that they might not come up with on their own.

Case in point...A few months ago criminals rammed a pick-up truck into the wall of a Gun Shop/Firing Range and made off with a whole bunch of Handguns, Rifles and Ammunition. Two days ago suspects rammed their pick-up through the wall of a local Pawn Shop and made off with a bunch of Gaming Systems, Video Games, and a TV.

Can’t you just see one of these bad guys watching TV and seeing the story about the Gun Shop/Firing Range and being bolted upright like Archimedes and saying out loud, “Eureka! What will they think up next? That’s a great idea! I’ve got to call Bruiser and tell him about this!”

What does all of this have to do with the Original Blog Posting about Confusing Charges? I’m sorry you don’t already see it but you don’t because I notice things and you don’t.

It’s that, in the Pawn Shop Crime, my newspaper felt it necessary to call the bad guys “Suspects”. I can understand that, if my newspaper were writing about a particular person who has yet to be tried, they would have to assume innocence and refer to that individual as a “Suspect” but that’s not where we are in this story. These bad guys (Am I allowed to say “Bad Guys” just because they are reported to have done bad things?) damaged property and stole things. That is a fact.

I can see where I am getting in too deep on this one. I better obtain the services of a lawyer before I say, imply, insinuate and/or peck out something for which I will be sorry.

I can’t help myself. I must ask one more question...If a proven criminal were hanged for his proven crimes, how long after he is hanged are we required to call him a Suspected Hanged Person before we can officially call him a Dead as a Door Nail Person?

It’s Fall Again, Therefore, It’s Time For This Link...Again

http://www.comptechdoc.org/humor/garden/

 

Would God, St. Francis or I kid u?

Smartfella

I Am Updating My Posting Of December 1, 2016

I’m Being Threatened By The Medical Community – Part 2

I told you that my operation tomorrow was called:

Guided Endoscopic Sinus Surgery/ Polypectomy

During my pre-op visit to the hospital I was informed that it is more precisely a:

Fess with Image Guidance – Frontal, Maxillary, Sphenoid, Ethmoid; Polypectomy

I feel a lot better!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella