How Long Is A 60 Minute News Show?

I for one am very tired of the 24/7 News Cycle. I am, however, not one to say that’s the way is has to be. I am a Fighter but most of all I am a Thinking Fighter and I have come up with a fool proof way to address this awful situation.

I am, here and now, proposing the way to cut any current 60 Minute News show down to 30 minutes! It is so simple that you, my dear readers, are going to kick your collective selves for not thinking of it ahead of me.

On All Of These 60 Minute News Shows Prohibit The Talking News Head From Quoting The Results Of Any News Poll Of The American People

That is it. That would save easily 30 minutes an hour.

I am not so shallow as to just lay those saved 30 minutes on the trash bin of history. I am concurrently proposing that the time gained be filled in by showing reruns of any of the following…

• Amos ‘n Andy
• The Ozzie & Harriet Show
• Amos ‘n Andy
• The Lone Ranger
• Amos ‘n Andy

If you have never had the pleasure of watching any of the above shows, I feel sorry for you.

I take that back. I don’t feel sorry for you because you have a lot of viewing pleasure lying in front of you.

If, after watching any of them, you say you don’t like what you have watched, I will then feel sorry for you for sure.

Would I kid u?

In Honor Of Our Income Tax System

I ought to do this every year to raise your awareness to the awful and confusing burden put upon us by our bloated Income Tax System. Below you will find an exact reproduction of instructions I copied from Turbo Tax yesterday as it tried to explain my taxes to me as a part of my annual pilgrimage to April 15^th.

This is only a small bit of our Tax Understanding Problem. According to a site called U. S Tax Code On-Line which can be seen at…http://www.fourmilab.ch/uscode/26usc/, there are a lot of other instructions we must contend with every year…
“The complete Internal Revenue Code is more than 24 megabytes in length, and contains more than 3.4 million words; printed 60 lines to the page, it would fill more than 7500 letter-size pages.”

I am not trying to be cute. I did not change a word of the instructions below. I would explain it to you, dear reader, if I knew what the heck the IRS was trying to tell us.

“Material Participation
You materially participate in your business if you are actively involved in the operation of your business.
You materially participated if you pass any of the following tests:

• You participate in the activity for more than 500 hours during the year.
• You are the only person who substantially participates in the activity , including nonowners.
• You participate in the activity more than 100 hours during the year and no one else participates more than you do, including nonowners.
• You participate more than 100 hours in this and other activities, and the total for all the activities is more than 500 hours.

Also:

• If you materially participate in a personal service activity for at least three years you are a material participant for life. Personal services include child care, consultant, real estate agent, etc
• You participated in the activity on a regular, continuous, and substantial basis for more than 100 hours during the year.
• If married, you can include your spouse's participation toward the 500- and 100-hour tests.

Requirements:
The work you performed must have been:

• Done at the time you owned an interest in the activity, and must have been the type that an owner customarily does.

Exceptions:

• Any hours managing the activity do not count toward material participation if:
• Anyone other than you received compensation for managing the activity, or
• Anyone spent more hours than you performing services in managing the activity during the year.”

This all started in 1913 when average income was around $15,000 and the original 1040 form (click link below) shows that the Income Tax Rate was 0% up to $20,000 and 1% between $20,000 and not exceeding $50,000...
http://www.ourdocuments.gov/document_data/document_images/doc_057b_big.jpg

This is the part of a Foolishness...Or Is It? where I would normally peck out something cute but I can’t do that today because there are tears in my eyes. (Or did I just peck out something cute? I can’t tell because there are tears in my eyes).

Would I kid u?

The World Is Going To Hell In A Hand Basket (Whatever That Means) & Then We Have The World Of Miss Manners

Here is a list of just a few things wrong with the world in which we are required to live…

• Terrorism is blowing up people on a daily basis.
• There is great hunger out there.
• Diseases are rampant and, in many cases, we have no clue as to how to cure them.
• The United Nations was invented to stop all wars but, since its inception, there have been many wars (a.k.a. Police Actions, Conflicts, Overseas Contingency Operations, Nation On Nation Quarrels, etc.).
• The world community has tried its best but has been unable to stem the flow of funny looking hats to Muammar Gaddafi.                

In the midst of all this consternation we have Gentle Reader and her Baby’s First Birthday Issues. Here is her letter to Miss Manners which clearly lays out her predicament…

Dear Miss Manners:

When my baby was first born, I signed her thank-you notes with my husband's and my names. My husband says I should sign her first birthday present thank-yous with her name.

I feel kind of stupid doing this, and writing things like "I look adorable in my new dress" instead of "She looks adorable in her new dress." Also, do I address the cards to her baby friends or to their parents?

Miss Manners is more polite than I am but, if I were Miss Manners (thank heaven I’m not), I would have written Mommie back saying, “Please see to it that you or your baby refrain from ever writing me again. I have more critical Proper Place Setting Issues with which to contend”.

Would I kid u?

I Am A Firm Believer That Talking Heads Can Talk

I will readily accept the fact that Talking Heads can talk but can they think? Allow me to prove to you that they definitely cannot think.

I was on my way to Home Depot and listening to the car radio. It was then that I realized two things…

First… We are into the second phase of the Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Disaster.
Second… Talking Heads have 3X5 index cards in their hands at all times and, no matter what the person being interviewed says, they are going to read the next question on their 3X5 index card.

Phase One…Everything Is Awful & We are All Going To Die: Japan’s Earthquake and Tsunami was an absolute feeding frenzy for our news media. It has allowed them to panic and to demand that we panic right along with them. They enjoy doing this kind of thing to us…

• We are all going to die and, if we don’t, we are going to wish we had.
• California was going to be under water.
• We were all about to start glowing with radioactivity.
• A Federal Directive was reported to be imminent that we were not going to ever be able to eat anything that begins with the letter “J” (Japan).

Phase Two…It Is Not So Bad After All: In this phase they explain to us that all the terrible things we have come to fear are not going to happen after all. The strangest thing is the media, who told us all those terrible things, are now acting as if they have no idea who told us all those terrible things.

Today’s interview I heard with the Talking Head proves that I know about what I am pecking out to you.

The All-Knowing Expert being interviewed said that the danger from eating any food imported from Japan was very low. To prove her point she said the following…

• If we were to eat contaminated spinach that had been grown in a field next to the nuclear power plant that blew up and melted down and looks really bad on TV, we would not be harmed.
• If we would eat that spinach every day for an entire year we would receive the same radiation we would receive from a single MRI.

The All-Knowing Talking Head then said, “Well that is a relief! That isn't anything to worry about. Let’s go to happy hour!”

That is not what out All-Knowing Talking Head said. True to the Code of Heads she asked the next question on the 3X5 index card. She asked, “Are you advising that Americans not eat any food imported from Japan?”

Because some of you persist in thinking that I make everything up I again feel compelled to say the following…

The Interview I Related To You Above

Is Not Made Up!

(OK, I did make up the part before the interview about not being able to eat anything that begins with the letter “J”.)

Would I kid u?

Manipulating Our Judicial System ... Again

This is another lesson in how our Judicial System can be twisted every which way you could imagine and how it does not have the ability to say, “Get the Heck out Of My Courtroom!”

I already published this Foolishness...Or Is It? in January, 2009. Does that make this Remedial Foolishness?

• A father has won a court decision after he contended that his high-achieving high school daughter was being wronged because there was a moment of silent reflection (formerly known as Prayer) lasting 30 seconds before classes began.
• The 30 seconds of silence were set aside in compliance with his state’s law so that each student could pray to their own god in their own way.
• You are probably thinking that daddy was objecting because this was some kind of mandate for a prayer and he objected to any attempt to make his child pray to or about anything but this was not his hang up.
• He said he had sued because his daughter was in competition with other students in other schools in other states for admission into the Big Ten University System and these 30 seconds of delay was hurting her chances because the other students in other states were not having their education delayed.
• His Bottom Line ... His daughter was being “forced” to play "catch up".

Just in case you have short term memory loss and you forgot what I told you at the beginning of this Foolishness... This Concerned Father Won His Lawsuit.

Some bloggers hold the best part for last but not me. I hold the saddest part for last.

Would I kid u?

Fixing Libya Made Easy

Things are getting more serious each day in Libya. Part of the Good Ole USofA’s part in this getting seriously serious is our call for Meaningful Sanctions Against Libya.

The sanctions being discussed are both military and economic. I will not get into the specifics of what is being proposed because all of them miss the mark and are (even all added together) totally inadequate.

The Smartfella? is the only one with the guts and intelligence to call for the sanction that will bring Colonel Kadafi to his knees and hit him where it really hurts…

We Ought To Immediately Prohibit The Importation Of Funny Looking Hats Into Libya!

That oughta do it for sure.

Would I kid u?

 

                      

History Repeating Itself

I have not called myself The Smartfella? for a while. I guess I was wanting to avoid being repetitious about something you all know is Absolute Fact.

Today I am now going to go one step further in proving how smart I am. I am going to remind you how I was on top of today’s happenings in January of last year.

For days now our congress has been discussing Raising The Debt Limit. In January 2010 I poked fun at this very same subject because congress was going through this very same Foolishness.

I was not kidding you.
Click in the next line…
http://forii.blogspot.com/2010_01_29_archive.html

Numbers Made Simple In Our Congress

You know it has to be true because I saw it with my own eyes and I have never lied to you ... Or have I?

What I saw was an impassioned plea by a member of our U.S. Congress about reducing the budget. Here is what I heard him say...
“I ask my colleges to consider what is being proposed by the honorable gentleman from the other side of the aisle. After much soul searching and consultations with every number savvy guy I could get my hands on, I have proposed a reduction of 300 million dollars in the funds allocated for this worthy project.

I could not believe the ignorance of fiscally fiscal issues displayed by my good friend when he countered with a reduction of 3 billion dollars and called it a larger reduction than the reduction I proposed.

I have been in this august body for 32 years and it never ceases to amaze me that those members in the opposition party cannot understand basic arithmetic. Am I smarter that a fifth grader? You bet I am. I am certainly smart enough to know that 300 is a hell of a lot bigger than 3!

It is on days like this that I think that 32 years may just be enough. Having to go to happy hour every day with the likes of this honorable gentleman is becoming too hard to bear. I just may hang it up and go back to the state that sent me here 32 years ago, if I could only remember which state that was.”

Ok I admit it I made every bit of the above quote up ... Or did I?

Would I kid u?

The Learned People Who Populate Our Institutes Of Higher Education Are Really Smart People Who Do Really Smart And Useful Research... Or Are They... Or Do They?

When you read this article (see link at end of this Foolishness), note how many University People are studying this Foolishness... And It Is.

• Colorado State University
• University of Hawaii
• University of Southern Mississippi in Hattiesburg
• University of Southern Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
• University of Toulouse

Let us not forget that the City of New York & the NYC Department of City Planning studied this issue also.

I have 3 questions for the University Researchers & NYC Bureaucrats who are analyzing this useless data for all of mankind…

• Do they really do this?
• Do they get paid to do this?
• Why do they do this?

Is it really important that some pedestrians walk at 3.74 feet per second & others walk at 3.79 feet per second?

Just think about how much effort went into determining the above useless statistic.

Click on link below:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703786804576138261177599114.html

If you click on it and if you read it, I will understand perfectly if you get angry with me for making you waste your time. On the other hand, it is pretty funny.

Would I kid u?

There Is Nothing Small About Our Congress

The other day I was walking through our family room and my wife was watching CSPAN. (She watches CSPAN 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 a lot. I walk through the family room a lot.) On this walk through I was shocked by something I heard coming out of the box that I had not heard in a long time. I stopped and stared in disbelief. I thought for a long moment I had gone back in time.

The dedicated congressman who was hurrying through his pontificating because his 2 minutes were running out said, “Seven hundred thousand...”. There it is. Don’t you see it? I have not heard anyone of my elected representatives say a hundred thousand of anything in a long time.

I must qualify the prior statement... What I mean is I have not heard a hundred thousand of anything that was not hooked on to a Million or a Billion or a Trillion, as in...

Sixteen Trillion, Five Billion, Three Hundred & Fifty Million, Two Hundred & Thirty Five Thousand

There it is on the end... “Two Hundred & Thirty Five Thousand”. The hundred thousands are always on the end. Such puny numbers are never spoken all by their lonesome anymore.

That’s progress ... or is it?

Would I kid u?

Walnuts R Us

What is it with us that our Congress will spend absolute fortunes on anything and everything you can imagine but, in some of our Congressmen’s minds, we spend nothing?

Think I am not making sense again? ... Please allow me to explain.

There is an ongoing financial commitment in our annual federal budget aimed at one of America’s favorite nuts. Few can argue with the need for this allocation of our tax dollars...

Improving the Hardness of Walnut Shells to Prevent Flavor Leakage

Twenty years ago Congress originally appropriated $200,000 to this worthy endeavor.

Under pressure from a heavily funded lobbying group called Nuts Are Nutritional, LLC (NAN), Congress has raised the amount allocated for this project every year for 20 years. In the budget negotiations for the 21^st year a member of congress stands up and says,
“Last year’s Walnut Hardness Appropriation was $6,677,098.22. Can you believe that a country which used to be as rich as we used to be only spends this paltry a sum on such a worthy project? I am here and now proposing a $1,000,000 increase in next year’s appropriation.”

Then these words will inevitably be spoken...
“It is unconscionable that a country as large as this will not spend anything to help the walnut!”

There you have it. If we do not spend more in any year, the amount we do spend is declared to be nothing.

Since when did $6,677,098.22 become nothing? In our Congress it may not be much but it isn’t nothing.

Would I kid u?

Road Name Rage

Please look at my book's web site, buy a book & then send the link to friends (or enemies) who have $10 to spend on the World's Greatest Bathroom Book.

CLICK ON THE WEB SITE’S LINK BELOW http://foolishnessorisit.com/default.aspx

In the crazy world we live in there is Road Rage. In the Atlanta Metropolitan Area we have Road Name Confusion causing Road Name Rage.

The reason for this consternation is the practice of those who name roads to change the names of roads every few blocks (an exaggeration) or every few miles (not an exaggeration) for no apparent reason.

Here is one prime example of the plethora of prime examples that are at this very moment befuddling drivers out there. Jimmy Carter Boulevard is not always Jimmy Carter Boulevard. Going from south to north at some point in its meandering through our metro it is...

• South Hairston Rd (south of Rockbridge Rd).
• North Hairston Rd (north of Rockbridge Rd).
• Mountain Industrial Blvd (change made north of E. Ponce De Leon Ave).
• Jimmy Carter Blvd NW (change made at Lawrenceville Hwy) ... NW leads one to believe that there is a SE but there is not a SE or a NE or a SW.
• Holcomb Bridge Rd NW ... NW leads one to believe that there is a SE but there is not a SE or a NE or a SW.
• Holcomb Bridge Rd without the NW.
• E. Crossville Rd (change made northwest of Alpharetta St ... which changes to Alpharetta Hwy at the point where Holcomb Bridge Rd changes to E. Crossville Rd).
• W. Crossville Rd (change made northwest of Crabapple Rd).
• Woodstock Rd (change made where Woodstock Rd coming from the south changes to King Rd as Woodstock Rd makes a dramatic left turn to continue as Woodstock Rd ... which used to be W. Crossville Rd).
• Alabama Rd NE (change made northwest of Sandy Springs Rd NE) ... NE leads one to believe that there is a SW but there is not a SW or a NW or a SE.
• Highway 92 (change made at Knotts Point Dr where it changes to Wiley Point Rd).
• Alabama Rd (change made at Woodland Dr).
• Cherokee Rd (change made at Hunt Rd).
• Cowan Rd NW (can’t figure out where change is made) ... Yea, you guessed it, there is no NE or SE or SW.

The defenders of this confusing name changing practice will say, “Yea but this example of yours travels a long way”. The Smartfella? retorts to them, “Yea but the road is continuous. It does not go into a swamp named one name and come out on the other side of the swamp six miles south named another name”.

I wonder how these Naming People would like it if some bureaucratic entity changed their name every time they had a birthday and/or changed jobs and/or got a new tattoo.

My fondest wish is to be approached one day by a person looking confused who says, “Hi. How are you doing today? I am the person who is employed by the Atlanta Metropolitan Area to change the names of roads for no apparent reason. Could you possible help me? I am lost”.

Would I kid u?

I Am Now In Complete Charge Of Entertainment And Music At Next Year’s Super Bowl

Help is on the way... Me!

I just received a call from the Commissioner of the National Football League. He has seen the light. He said I am now in charge of entertainment, music and the halftime show at next year’s Super Bowl. My plan is simple...

• Christina Aguilera will not be singing the National Anthem. In her stead will be a uniformed Army Sergeant Baritone who will not take one syllable words and extend them into eight syllable words. Since I am a firm believer in the punishment befitting the crime, this is what I would prescribe for Christina... She will not be allowed within 500 miles of the game itself. She will not be allowed to watch the game on TV. Neither will she be allowed to read any newspaper about the game either before or after the game. She will be put on 24 hour surveillance and the person who even tells her the final score will be subjected to the same penalty I am prescribing for her in the following Super Bowl. If you think I am being too harsh, watch her “performance” by clicking below... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgxA3Aus8jY&feature=player_embedded
  UPDATE...On 2/18/2011 I clicked on this link and found that UTube has cancelled it. That's OK. It would have probably damaged your ear drums.
• Back in my youth I went to a Tulane University freshman football game. I and the other 63 fans in attendance were treated to a halftime show that far surpassed what those Peas People inflicted upon us last night. The Tulane game had in the stands about ten guys from the University’s big band tooting throughout the game. At halftime they went down on the field and played the Gillette Look Sharp/Be Sharp March and lined up in single file on the 50 yard line in an exact replication of an Unshaven Male Facial Hair. It was great! It was certainly a lot better than the Peas People... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIi-ku0nRGQ&feature=related

What this country needs is the Southern University Marching Band... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCJWuXCqDDk
We also need a strong dose of John Phillip Souza... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znEePD1nJxo&feature=related
Would I kid u?

Stop It At The Source

I just read in my newspaper that, if we build a new Export Terminal in Washington State to ship coal to China, we will be responsible for the pollution of China’s atmosphere when the coal is burned in China’s inefficient coal burning facilities.

In some people’s minds the U.S. is responsible for everything that happens ... everything bad.

Since the above is an undeniable Foolish Fact, my mind started churning on another evil that the good ole USofA is responsible for and how we can turn it into a source of job creation which will help our struggling economy in these dire economic times.

We are the breadbasket of the world. We export humongous amounts of grain all over the Earth and have been doing so for a very long time. The inevitable result of this grain exportation is methane produced by the cows that eat our grains. Our unending desire to make money is harming the ecology.

If our Federal Government would go on an all out campaign to ramp up plants all over the country to produce Cow Corks we would stimulate Manufacturing, Employment, Tax Revenue and help our Balance of Trade Numbers all at the same time. This is a Win Win idea if I have ever heard of one!

With this increase in Tax Revenue we could then increase our lobbying efforts to beg the Chinese to loan us more money.

Would I kid u?

Four Isn’t That Much ... Or is it?

Please look at my book's web site, buy a book & then send the link to friends (or enemies) who have $10 to spend on the World's Greatest Bathroom Book.

CLICK ON THE WEB SITE’S LINK BELOW http://foolishnessorisit.com/default.aspx

I go to a gym a few times a week to try and keep my heart from attacking me. In the gym is a bank of 24 televisions that we watch as we sweat. On many occasions I find myself watching channels that I would not otherwise be caught dead watching.

The other day I was watching a show which is an imitation of The View (just what we need another View). This day they had a Celebrity on from a sitcom several years back that was enthralling the breathless hosts with what she is doing and is not doing with her life.

The Celeb said the following, “My husband and I have been married 4 years” and the round of applause she got was akin to the same as if she had said, “I just discovered the cure for all forms of cancer”.

To my way of thinking four years does not sound like that much and she did not even specify which husband this was.

What’s next? Are going to see going to see the Celeb Worshippers having a similar reaction to the likes of...

• “I really like my fifth wife because, when she sits quietly at night reading a book, she does it very quietly.”
• “I may be subjecting myself to unwanted scrutiny but I honestly think that cherries go well with prunes and the world would be better place if more of us ate cherries and prunes mixed together.”
• “I wish I had learned to be this assertive when I was younger. If I had I would certainly have taken a position similar to this which I have now taken even though it is not the position which I would have taken had I taken it at the time.”
        Now this last quote is so unable to be understood that the Celeb Worshipping Audience would probably think to itself... Wow! That is so deep! I don’t understand what the heck he is talking about but that certainly must be because I am nobody and he is somebody. This is certainly deserving of a standing ovation! … I think?

It makes me sad to realize that my repeated blog postings about our society’s unrelenting worship of Celebrities is not going to have any effect on our obsession with them and what they do or don’t do.

Sometimes I think I ought to zero in more on the foolishness of politics. Yes I know I could do that but there is so much silliness in politics that my instinctive thirst for variety demands that I write about something else.

Would I kid u?

If It Was Really Stupid, Then I Claim Full Responsibility

Accept this as fact: There are people who wish the United States harm out there in the world. Some of our teenagers give these people hope that they will see the good ole USofA become a footnote in history because they are observing how our young people “think”.

One such teen recently hauled a baby grand piano onto a sand bar in Biscayne Bay and set it afire. He and his fellow like minded friends then watched it burn up (or down, if you prefer down to up). When he was asked why he did this he gave two replies that prove that he is not the next Einstein...

• He said it was cool.
• He said he did it for the sake of art.

Think this is crazy? The craziest thing is others tried to claim responsibility for his cool/artistic endeavor. Can you believe that? Instead of issuing statements denying responsibility these mental midgets were rushing in to claim “credit”.

Thank goodness that our boy genius was forward thinking enough to have videoed his Foolishness. He showed his video and the world then gave him the recognition that he so rightfully deserves.

-----------------------------------------------

Then there is the other side. One student in a prestigious art school said, "I want to meet him. I thought it was beautiful. It was poetic."

Could I be wrong? Is it possible that I am so logical thinking that I can’t distinguish foolish eyesores from ugly art?

Would I kid u?

Bad Guys Always Get What’s Coming To Them ... Unless They Have A “Good” Lawyer Or A Stupid Judge ... Or both

 

In bullet format here is what I read in my newspaper on 1/28/11 (my sage comments will be in bold)...

• This was a Bank Account Takeover Scheme ... Otherwise known as people stealing other people’s money.
• Six schemers victimized Chinese, Korean, Laotian and Vietnamese residents in California, Oregon and Washington ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The scheme was conducted from November 2008 to April 2010 ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The victims were contacted by phone and told that they had unpaid bills with telephone or utility companies.
• Using the personal information gathered from their victims, the defendants ordered bank checks and added themselves as users on victim’s credit cards ... Does not sound like it was a spur of the moment thing.
• The schemers then spent $500,000 of the victim’s money on everything from Louis Vuitton purses to a daschund ... This is the first sliver of sympathy on my part for the schemers. If they go to jail, who is going to care for the little doggie?

The following 4 bullets are not true and were made up by me...

• The schemers were given very harsh sentences.
• They were all sentenced to 35 years in prison.
• They have to pay back the $500,000 plus interest.
• They have to put the daschund into the Louis Vuitton purse and personally deliver it to Barbara Streisand the day before they report to the hoosegow to begin serving their 35 year sentences.

The following 4 bullets are the actual sentence that was handed down to one of the schemers yesterday...

• She was sentenced to 6 months of home confinement ... No this is not a misprint. She was not sentenced to jail. She has to stay home. (I am sure an exception will be made so that she can go to her Pilates classes).
• This harsh sentence is followed up by 5 whole years of supervised release ... What is that?
• If you think she plead guilty to a whole bunch of charges, you are wrong. She only plead guilty to a single count of Mail Fraud ... I wonder if she was laughing out loud as she told the court, “I plead guilty”.
• Well she certainly had to pay back all that money. Right? Wrong! ... She has to pay back $50,000. That’s quite a bargain! That’s like a mugger saying to a muggee, “Give me that $500,000 in your pocket. What? You only have $50,000? Ok, you owe me $450,000. Here is my address. Bring me $50,000 a week for the next nine weeks.”.

Have you finally come to a full realization why I have no need to make up my Foolishness...Or Is It?. I just have to keep reading my newspaper and I will never run out of silly things to tell you about.

Would I kid u?

Texting While Doing Anything Else

Introduction: This Foolishness...Or Is It? was written last night. This morning’s newspaper tells me that one of the two legislators I had written about has backed off on his proposed legislation (Arkansas). The other is charging ahead (New York). Since he is doing so, this posting is still relevant and certainly ought to be read by all clear thinking Americans.

I have ranted before about those of us (too many of us) texting while driving. We are now passing laws to try to protect the dumb from doing the stupid. Am I not being plain enough? Let me put it this way, texting while driving a moving vehicle is dumb. Those of us who do this are the stupid.

There is an elected official in New York who has proposed legislation to stop us from walking and texting.

I think Walking is not the same as Driving. Can you believe I said that? We have a major epidemic of stupid driving in this country and this legislator is worried about that lady in that shopping mall the other day that walked into a fountain while texting and got wet.

This legislation is in the process of getting Foolish. Here is some of the silliness...

• Anyone walking with two ear pieces in their head (one in each ear) will be considered in violation. A single ear piece is OK.
• This legislation is only proposed to be enforced in cities with a population of 1,000,000 or more.

Now I could stop this Foolishness...Or Is It? right here and now and it would be complete. It has exposed more of the Foolishness that surrounds us all. I could be done... But am I?

I have thought about the above bullets and I wish to expand and clarify...

• What is this about only being an issue in cities of 1,000,000 people and more? Are not those who live in small cities in as much danger as people who live in large cities? Ignoring small town walker’s safety is unconscionable!
• A determination as to what the walker is listening to will have to be made before the Ear Piece Police can swoop in and make the appropriate life-saving arrests...
•    Classical Music is soothing and an aid to concentration while hard rock music is mind muddling and a hindrance to walking. We need only be concerned with hard rock music.
•    What about Talk Radio? Does not opposing opinions cause the Liberal to get excited when he hears Conservative commentary and the Conservative get excited when he hears Liberal commentary? Either opinion contrary to the walker’s strongly held beliefs could contribute to dangerous walking.
•    Obviously our Federal Government is going to have to invest 10 or 20 million dollars to develop Ear Piece Penetrators to ascertain exactly what the Ear Piece Equipped Walkers of America are listening to.
•    Another bunch of millions will have to be invested in Segways for the Ear Piece Police to get around on to do their ear piece penetrating.
•    Actually the Segway expense will have to be doubled so that, once a potential violator is zeroed in on, there may have need for another Segway on the other side of the listener, if the single ear piece is inserted on the opposite side. This increase in expense may cause the provision in the bill for single ear pieces to be scrapped. Our Federal Government certainly would not want to get carried away with this enforcement policy... Or would it?
• As an alternative to Segway Monitoring we could always use our extensive satellite system to monitor walkers. Some may object to this diversion of our satellites to endangered walkers. I am sure that cooler heads will prevail by saying, “The heck with terrorists! This is important!”.
• As is usually the case, there will have to be exemptions. The most obvious and sure to be universally accepted exception will be NBA Basketball Players. These American Tattooed Heroes are always shown walking into the arena before the game with ear phones on their well paid ears. There will certainly be no objections to this exception because they are tall and important and we are neither.

Would I kid u?

At First I Really Panicked!

I saw an Internet Teaser Headline that I thought was really going to capture the attention of all of America but I was wrong. The headline was...

Panda Loses Weight

Because of the obsession we all have for the center attraction of our zoos the Chinese Pandas, I had real fear that this Internet Teaser Headline meant Zing Goo Po (or whatever our Atlanta Panda is named) was ill. Since Pandas have not been known to go on diets, losing weight would surely have to have been the result of some kind of dire illness.

I breathed a sigh of great relief when I read the article and found out that it was a story about a baseball player named Pablo Sandoval (nicknamed “Panda”) who is losing weight for the upcoming baseball season. Google him if you want to learn about his ongoing struggles with his weight. There are lots of articles about him being fat, losing weight, going on a diet, going off a diet, etc.

I know Pablo’s fatness is of great concern to the San Francisco Baseball Fans but a sick Panda anywhere is big and ongoing news in the city in which that particular Panda takes up residence. It has been this way in all of the cities in which I have lived.

If Atlanta’s Panda were ill, we would not have heard anything about the Australian Floods, the Arizona Shooting Aftermath, North Korea’s Bomb, Iran’s Bomb, Brittney Spears and such until that cute little fella was fully recovered.

----------------------------

It’s not just Pandas. In Atlanta we had an obsession with a Gorilla named Willie B. who died in the year 2000. I remember that when he died a radio commentator said the following, “He was a great Ambassador for all of Gorillakind”. You think I made that quote up, don’t you?

Our obsession with Willie B. continued after his passing. In doing my research for this posting, I looked him up in Wikipedia. It was worse than I thought...

• More than 8,000 people attended the memorial ceremony held in his honor.
• The zoo now has a life-size bronze statue of him on permanent display outside the Gorilla exhibit.
• His remains were cremated. 80% of his remains were kept in a bronze box in the bronze statue at Zoo Atlanta and the other 20% were flown back to the African jungle.

You also think I made these 3 bullets up don’t you? When will you learn that I only make things up when it is absolutely necessary? It is not necessary to make up foolishness when foolishness abounds in the world around us.

Would I kid u?

More: If I had any kind of significant city wide readership in Atlanta, do you realize how viciously I would be attacked for having made light of Willie B.? Sort of makes me glad you are the only person reading this Foolishness...Or Is It?.

Still More: Some are being critical of President Obama saying he did not get much of anything out of the visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao. To that insinuation I say Hogwash! Don’t these people read the newspaper? In today’s paper it plainly states that China has granted an extension to the Washington D.C. Zoo to keep their two pandas another 5 years. What more could we ask of a president of these United States?

Eye/Hand Coordination Skills – Good News & Bad News

Dear Reader, through your mind’s eye gaze with me at a very common scene in a modern American household...

• Modern parent is looking at modern child with a puzzled look.
• Modern child is playing video games ... all day long.
• The puzzled modern parent says to the other modern parent of the video game playing modern American child “Is this doing our child any good? Might it not be better if all this effort were devoted toward a text book of some kind?”
• Other parent who is really modern says confidently, “Don’t worry. What you are witnessing is Eye/Hand Coordination Skills being developed to the very highest of levels right before your very puzzled eyes.”
• Puzzled parent says, “Oh, I see.”
• Puzzled parent withholds any further comment for fear of being overheard by the modern child and damaging modern child’s self esteem.

The Good News is there are jobs out there for workers with well developed Eye/Hand Coordination Skills. These trained specialists are being hired by the CIA to Operate Unmanned Aircraft over in the Middle East to blowup bad guys.

The Bad News is America is developing 37,000,000 such highly trained workers and the CIA has 27 positions for such workers.

Would I kid u?