My Potted Plant Outfit Has Come In Handy Again

 This Blog Posting was originally published on August 7, 2018. Here it is shortened and the Lagniappe has been updated. DO NOT MISS READING THE LAGNIAPPE!

One of our major airlines has reported it was flying about 700 service animals daily, a 150 percent increase since the prior year. The company also reported an 84 percent rise in “animal incidents,” including urine, feces and aggressive behavior.

Another airline noted a 75 percent jump in animals on board from a year earlier, and a “significant increase” in onboard incidents involving them.

Two airlines are banning certain animals totally from traveling in the cabin, including hedgehogs, ferrets, insects, rodents, snakes, spiders, amphibians, sugar gliders and non-household birds.

Airlines are considering barring animals with tusks, horns or hooves, except for trained miniature horses acting as service animals.

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Since this issue is so much in the news I put on my Potted Plant Outfit and went slithering about our Transportation Department in Washington D.C. to see what’s going on in the world of Transportation. It just so happened that I picked an action packed day to go slithering about.

It was absolute chaos! The office was full of advocates from People for the Advancement of the Right to Take Any Animal Anywhere who were busy loudly advocating their cause.

You may not be aware that our Airlines are under assault by this and 32 other organizations of a similar persuasion.

Here is one of the conversations I overheard...

Ø Animal Advocate (AA) said, “Peacocks are not that big! An Ostrich is big but a Peacock is only large and large is not big”.

Ø Beleaguered Transportation Official (BTO) said, “Looks pretty big to me”. (What the BTO should have said, “That’s silly! Get the hell out of my office!”)

Ø BTO said, “Innocent passengers have been injured by Peacocks on Airline Flights”.

Ø AA said, “That’s an exaggeration! There has not been an Airline Peacock Attack since last week!”

Ø BTO said, “You may have a point. I’ll take that fact under advisement but first I will need to talk to that passenger who was attacked by that Peacock”. (What the BTO should have said, “That’s silly! Get the hell out of my office!”)

Ø AA said, “You will have to wait. He will not be out of the hospital till after Labor Day”.

Ø AA said, “I’ll bet you are not going to take the feelings of the Peacock Community into consideration, are you? Peacocks are people too. These proud sensitive animals have been raised to care for their emotionally challenged caregivers. Your preventing them from fulfilling their mission in life takes a very hard toll on their psychological makeup”.

Ø BTO said, “I never thought of that. I’ll be certain to call an emergency meeting of our Rules Committee right after lunch today to consider the very cogent point you just presented me with”. (What the BTO should have said, “That’s silly! Get the hell out of my office!”)

Ø BTO said, “While you are here, we should discuss Pooping by Birds on our planes. Our Janitorial Union has filed a grievance against this new rather unpleasant responsibility”.

Ø AA said, “Well I never! I am of a mind to file a counter grievance against their grievance with my Congressman.

Ø BTO said, “Why am I having to go through this when I am only weeks away from retirement!” (What the BTO should have said, “That’s silly! Get the hell out of my office!”)

The Bottom Line: As soon as our 9% Approval Rated Congress gets back from vacation it ought to pass a Federal Law that a Beleaguered Transportation Official ought to be allowed to say to an Animal Advocate, “That’s silly! Get the hell out of my office!”

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: You think this issue could not get crazier. Think again...

Why do people say they need Emotional Support Animals to fly on airplanes? We are told they cannot get on planes without being Emotionally Supported by their Emotional Support Animals...Or can they?

It looks like this Emotionally Challenged Student was able to get on her plane after she came out of the Airport Rest Room...

February 11, 2018...BALTIMORE, MARYLAND — A college student is alleging that she flushed her emotional support hamster down a toilet after a Spirit Airlines employee would not let her board with the furry critter.

The Truth Will Come Out ... Or Will It?

Lagniappe at the Top: I first wrote this Blog Posting on July 18, 2012 but I did not finish it until now.

When I was a child my father, my brother (when we could find him hiding somewhere in our 1 bedroom house😃) and I spent many nights in the family grocery store stocking the shelves for the rush of customers that was sure to come the following day. These memories are still very comfortable and pleasant way back in my ageing mind’s eye.

While we stocked the shelves, we had a companion with us. It was our radio. It was always on. We were entertained by Gangbusters, The Shadow, Fibber McGee and Mollie, The Lone Ranger, Ozzie & Harriet, The Fat Man, The Life of Riley, The Jack Benny Show, George Burns & Gracie Allen, etc.

The radio did more than entertain my small but developing mind. It also educated me about life. It taught me things like...

Ø The bad guy was always caught.

Ø Dirty words were not necessary to put on a realistic and entertaining show.

Ø Filthy words were not needed to tell jokes to get your audience to fall over laughing (now comedians just say the filthy word without the joke attached and the audience falls over laughing).

Ø Jokes could be told about Italians, Jews and Wives and very few Italians, Jews and Wives got offended or got their feeling hurt and most Italians, Jews and Wives laughed right along with everyone else.

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I learned that the way to get to the Unvarnished Truth was to go to trial in our Great American Judicial System. I just knew that our Courts would somehow find a way to get to the bottom of it all. Truth will out! The truth will make us free.

This was Fantasyland before Walt Disney invented Fantasyland.

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You all can make up your own list of high-profile trials in recent years where we all were certain of the guilt of the defendant.

Some of the more cynical of us probably spent time lamenting the waste of time and money by bringing to trial such an obviously guilty person. Then we were all shocked at the innocent verdict that was handed down.

Did our Judicial System simply not find the truth or was it helped along by those who are paid to find the Technicality?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe at the Bottom: In defense of the defense. I said above, “obviously guilty person” but we who were shocked and surprised by the verdict were not in the courtroom and we did not hear the evidence that was presented. We were fed our Indignation by the Nightly News.

What Shortage?

It seems only a few days ago that there was a Shortage of Hand Sanitizer in all our stores. Now there are Hand Sanitizer Displays all over our stores, not just in the drug departments.

Do you remember what it was like...?

• Hand Sanitizer Seekers were dashing about the stores with frightened looks on their faces searching for Hand Sanitizer Bottles.
• After you got tired of looking, if you asked a store employee for Hand Sanitizer, they laughed in your face and pointed you out to their fellow associates (formerly known as "employees") who also laughed at you.
• Everyone was going onto the Internet and ordering these huge bottles of Hand Sanitizer that arrived and turned out to be a lot smaller than they looked in the picture on the Internet but the price remained huge.
• You got mad. You thought about returning the little bottles you thought were going to be big bottles but you feared they were the last bottles you would ever see in your lifetime and, if you did return them, the manufacturers would get mad at you and ban you from buying their even smaller bottles at even higher prices in the future.
• Early on when, you did find Hand Sanitizer in a store, fellow shoppers were stealing them out of your basket while you were on your hands and knees looking to see if any bottles had fallen on the floor behind the empty display basket.
• The stores would only allow you to buy 2 High Priced Small Bottles. I followed a High Priced Small Bottle Purchaser out of a store and watched as he put his High Priced Small Bottles in his car. He then put on a fake mustache and headed back into the store.
• I looked into this car after he had gone back into the store and saw a plethora of mustaches, wigs, hats, big sun glasses and masks of Elmer Fudd, Rocky Balboa and Al Gore.

Have I ever lied to you when I did not tell you I was lying to you? What I am about to tell you is going to make you think I am lying to you while not telling you I am lying to you.

I passed a major grocery store yesterday where a sign company had its big crane out front and they were removing “Grocery Store” and changing it to “Hand Sanitizer Store”.

Ok, I am now telling you I just lied to you...Or did I?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

What A Guy! His City Faces A $9,000,000,000 Deficit and He Is Getting Out His Box Of Band Aids.

This guy is good with numbers...Or is he?

Did I just hear you say, “Which guy?”

Pardon me. I thought all my Dear Readers were aware of how sharp Hiz Honor Bill De Blasio the Mayor of New York City is with numbers, so when I pecked out $9 Billion and Numbers you would know who I was talking about.

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OK, I’ll slow down and explain myself better...

First of all, A Disclaimer...In researching for this Blog Posting I kept running into many different Budget Deficit Numbers for NYC. I’m going to use $9 Billion because it is sort of right in there somewhere.)

Ø The City of New York has run up a Budget Deficit of $9,000,000,000 (In case so many zeros confuse you, that’s $9 Billion. In case $9 Billion confuses you, that’s 9 Thousand Million Dollars.)

Ø Because he is a Man of Action, Mayor De Blasio has taken action to address this awful situation which is crying out for action to be taken.

Ø Hiz Honor has announced that nearly 500 employees of his office will take five days of furlough between October and March in an effort to save close to $1 million ($860,000) from the cash-strapped municipal budget.

Ø De Blasio said there is a chance the furlough would extend to the entire city's 300,000 person workforce but for the time being the nearly 500 employees is a firm number.

Being somewhat good with numbers myself (but not as good as Hiz Honor) I calculated that $860,000 is 0.009455556% of the $9 Billion shortfall. This is what Hiz Honor means when he says he is taking the Bull by the Horns...Or is he?

Don’t you dare think Hiz Honor is not going to step up to the proverbial plate Hiz Self. He is included in the Furlough Plan and his week’s lost pay sacrificial contribution will amount to $4,972 of his own hard earned money. That’s a 0.00005524% Step Up!  

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When you started reading this Blog Posting you may have thought when I pecked out $9 Billion I was talking about New York State and not New York City. That’s not the case. In stumbling around the Internet I came upon a December 19, 2019 article that said New York State was going to go into the New Year only being $6 Billion in the hole.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I’ve got an idea. Hiz Honor’s wife should be hired for $4,972 to help him out with this Budget Shortfall. I understand she is even better with numbers than he is...Or is she?

https://thefederalistpapers.org/opinion/nyc-mayor-de-blasios-wife-fire-losing-850-million   

If You Make A Statement That You Never Dreamed Could Be Racist, But Someone Else Thinks It Was Racist, Are You Racist?

It looks like today’s “thinkers” have invented a new concept called Unintended Racism. I found this new way of "thinking" in an article I stumbled across on the Internet. Here is what the Article Genius offered to “prove” his Silly Contention...

Long Time, No See: This expression is pidgin English, and it was originally used to mock the way Native Americans and/or Chinese people spoke English.

You unexpectedly come across an old friend that you have not seen in 25 years and you excitedly shout out, “My heavens! My old friend, I have not seen you in 25 years! How wonderful it is to see you! Long time, no see!”

Imagine your shock and horror when your old friend slaps you in your face knocking you to the ground and steps on your chest as he walks over you saying, “Racist!”

It’s at time like this where Fella usually sarcastically says, “That’s Progress!”

...Or is it?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

I Am Ready To Make A Prediction!

England held a Stay In or Get Out of the European Union Referendum (Brexit) on June 23, 2016 but the Actual Removal has been dragging its feet. I bet you did not even know Removals had feet. Fella is here to tell you not only do Removals Have feet but its feet must be Really Big because there has been a lot of Foot Dragging going on ever since June 23, 2016!

Boris Johnson campaigned for Prime Minister on a pledge to "Get Brexit Done" during the 2019 election. It’s not done yet. Here are a few of the hundreds of thousands of words written about Brexit before and after his election victory...

• The UK is no longer a member of the European Union (EU), but that's not the end of Brexit.
• Brexit was originally meant to happen on 29 March 2019. 
• Leaver James Dyson makes Brexit intervention - ‘I’ve NO REGRETS’’
• Brexit: PM in compromise with Tory critics over Internal Market Bill.
• Lord Keen: Senior law officer quits over Brexit bill row.
• Brexit: Internal Market Bill clears first hurdle in Commons.
• Why is Brexit still being talked about?
• The British government is facing more opposition to its plans to breach the Brexit agreement with the European Union.
• Johnson has argued that his government is pursuing a law that would override parts of the Brexit deal as an insurance policy against “unreasonable” behavior by the EU that could threaten the U.K. unity by disrupting trade between Northern Ireland and the rest of the country.
• The EU has demanded the British government drop its plan by the end of September or face legal action.
• Britain is risking a car-crash Brexit of food shortages, another recession and isolation.
• Investors have been rattled by recent events. 
• Didn't the UK already leave the EU with a deal? ... Yes, the UK did leave the EU on 31 January 2020 with a deal called the withdrawal agreement, however, this deal only set out the process of how the UK would leave the EU, not the future relationship.
• Labour may not vote for Boris Johnson's latest Brexit deal.
• What happens if there's no trade deal by December 31, 2020?
• Brexit trade deal: What are the sticking points?

Oh yea, I promised a Prediction for the Future and I always live up to my promises...

This is what I foresee as the London Times Front Page Headline on March 23, 2103...

Brexit’s Future In Doubt! Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher III Says, “I promise to bring this Brexit Issue to a Conclusion in short order but first we need to go back to the Drawing Board.”

Would Margaret Thatcher’s Granddaughter kid u?

Smartfella

   

Apologizing Too Late

A year after Julius Caesar was assassinated the Roman Senate named the seventh month July (the month of Caesar’s birth) in his honor.

That was a nice touch to honor him that way but I bet Caesar was not very impressed by this gesture of remembrance. The Senate which honored him was the same Senate that on March 15th of the prior year were jockeying for position to stick a knife in his Honorable Body.

A detailed report of Caesar’s injuries was issued by the physician who performed Caesar’s autopsy (this report is seen as the earliest documented post-mortem report in history). According to the report...

• Only one of Caesar’s 23 stab wounds was fatal.
• It was the one that punctured Caesar’s chest and ruptured his aorta.
• Some of the wounds were superficial and failed to protrude deeper than the muscle tissue.
• Several wounds were deep but missed any of his vital organs.

Saying, “I’m sorry I killed you, but to make up for it, I’m going to name a month after you”, had to be one of the more Historically Phony Apologies ever.

It would have been more appropriate to say, “I’m sorry I missed your vital organs, you dead bum”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

 

A Lesson in Historical Accuracy

Admiral Harold Raynsford Stark was Chief of Naval Operations at the time of the Attack on Pearl Harbor.

He was a graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy. While he was at Annapolis he picked up the Nickname “Betty”. He remained “Betty” throughout his long Naval Career. He was often referred to as Harold “Betty” Stark.

If you are thinking “Betty” is an unusual name for an Admiral you would be thinking correctly and how he got his Nickname is Interesting Foolishness.

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This nickname came to rest on him because, when he was a Plebe at the Naval Academy, an Upper Classman while harassing him asked him if he knew of a General during the American Revolutionary War who had the same last name as Harold did...General John Stark.

Midshipman Stark had no idea who General John Stark was. The Upper Classman informed him that during the American Revolution, prior to the Battle of Bennington, General Stark had told his command, “We will win today, or Betty Stark will be a widow”.

The Upper Classman then ordered Midshipman Stark to shout out General Stark’s Famous Declaration every time he saw an Upper Classman.

Midshipman Stark did as he was told. He shouted “We will win today, or Betty Stark will be a widow” so often he became known as “Betty Stark” and he remained so for the rest of his life.

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There is an Interesting Footnote to this Foolishness. General John Stark’s wife was actually named Molly. So, if the upperclassman had known his history a little better Admiral Harold “Betty” Stark would have been known as Admiral Harold “Molly” Stark for the rest of his life.

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The Subject of this Blog Posting is “A Lesson in Historical Accuracy”, so let’s get back to talking about Historical Accuracy.

The story above came from a course entitled WW II: The Pacific Theater from an organization called...

The Great Courses... www.thegreatcourses.com  

The Great Courses Lectures are excellent! If you decide you want to buy a course, don’t get turned off by the high prices. The courses are always On Sale and are usually discounted by around 70%.

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I researched General John Stark’s famous quote (“We will win today, or Betty Stark will be a widow”) on the Internet and found some quotes were close enough to not quibble about while not exactly the same...

Ø AZQuotes.com had 2 Quotes:
1. “Yonder are the Hessians. They were bought for even pounds and tenpense a man. Are you worth more? Prove it. Tonight the American flag floats from yonder hill or Molly Stark sleeps a widow!”
2. “There are you enemies, the Red Coats and the Tories. They are ours, or this night Molly Stark sleeps a widow.” 

Ø Wikipedia had 1 Quote:
>"We'll beat them before night or Molly Stark's a widow."

Ø Goodread.com repeated #1 above:
> “Yonder are the Hessians. They were bought for seven pounds and tenpence a man. Are you worth more? Prove it. Tonight the American flag floats from yonder hill or Molly Stark sleeps a widow!”

It looks to me as if it is Historically Accurate to conclude that General John Stark’s wife was named “Molly” and not “Betty”.

************

I then stumbled through the Internet to a site called findagrave.com and found this...

Ø The General’s wife was listed as Elizabeth Page Stark.

Ø Elizabeth has many Nicknames. Some of them are Bess, Liz, Beth, Betsy and Betty.

It looks to me like it is Historically Accurate to conclude that General John Stark’s wife was named “Betty” and not “Molly”.

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Are you still seeking Historical Accuracy? Fella says, take your pick but do so with the understanding that whichever one you pick you may be wrong, but if you then change your pick to the one that you did not pick the first time, you may be wrong. J

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

If You Want To Get Well, Take This Pill Or If You Want To Die, Take This Pill

If, no matter how remote the possibility, you are warned about everything bad that could possibly happen if you take any particular medication. I contend you are warned about nothing because the medication taker will say, “Well, that’s silly” and will ignore all warnings about everything bad that could happen.

To be more specific, you will do as I do and not even look at the Warnings, Cautions and Watch Outs and shred them as soon as you get home.

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Today we are going to be discussing Ciprofloxacin. Ciprofloxacin is prescribed very often. In 2010, over 20 million prescriptions were written.

Ever wonder why Big Pharma is Big? If they make $1 off of each Prescription, they have made $20 Million. WhatDoYaWannaBet they make more than $1 off of each Prescription. J

Big Pharmaceutical Companies appear to be more profitable than large companies in most other industries.

Researchers writing in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) investigated the financial balances of Pharmaceutical Companies dealing in the business of developing, manufacturing, marketing and selling drugs.

Their calculations found that in the years between 2000 and 2018, 35 big drug companies received combined revenue of $11.5 trillion, with a gross profit of $8.6 trillion.

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àI Did Not Make This Upß

Disclaimer: This is an actual quote but I added the information in the Yellow Parentheses.

Here Are the Warnings and Cautions for the Drug Named Ciprofloxacin

Along with its needed effects, Ciprofloxacin may cause some unwanted effects. Although not all of these side effects may occur, if they do occur, they may need medical attention.

(Do you think the words “Although not all of these side effects may occur” are an attempt at humor by Big Pharma?)

More Common Side Effect…

Ø Diarrhea

Rare Side Effects…

Ø Bloody or black, tarry stools

Ø Burning, crawling, itching, numbness, prickling, "pins and needles", or tingling feelings

Ø Changes in skin color

Ø Changes in urination

Ø Chest pain or discomfort

Ø Chest tightness or heaviness

Ø Chills or fever

Ø Clumsiness or unsteadiness

Ø Confusion (No kidding! Anyone who reads all of this is certain to become confused. I bet the manufacturer of this drug also makes a lot of money off of their other drugs which treat Confusion.)

Ø Continuing ringing or buzzing or other unexplained noise in the ears

Ø Coughing or spitting up blood

Ø Dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness when getting up suddenly from a lying or sitting position

Ø Fast, irregular, pounding, or racing heartbeat or pulse

Ø Headache, severe and throbbing

Ø Hearing loss

Ø Hives or welts or skin rash

Ø Joint stiffness

Ø Large, hive-like swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, or sex organs

Ø Light-colored stools

Ø Muscle pain or stiffness

Ø Nausea and vomiting

Ø Nightmares

Ø Numbness of the hands

Ø Pain in the joints

Ø Pain or discomfort in the arms, jaw, back, or neck

Ø Painful, red lumps under the skin, mostly on the legs

Ø Pounding in the ears

Ø Puffiness or swelling of the eyelids or around the eyes, face, lips, or tongue

Ø Redness of the face, neck, arms, and occasionally, upper chest

Ø Seizures

Ø Severe abdominal or stomach pain, cramping, or burning

Ø Shakiness in the legs, arms, hands, or feet

Ø Swelling of the face, feet, or lower legs

Ø Swollen, painful, or tender lymph glands in the neck, armpit, or groin

Ø Thick, white vaginal discharge with no odor or with a mild odor

Ø Unsteadiness, trembling, or other problems with muscle control or coordination

Ø Unusual drowsiness, dullness, tiredness, weakness, or feeling of sluggishness

Ø White patches in the mouth and/or on the tongue

Ø Yellow eyes or skin

Incidences Not Known Side Effects…

Ø Acid or sour stomach

Ø Blistering, peeling, or loosening of the skin

Ø Bluish-colored lips, fingernails, or palms

Ø Bone pain

Ø Diarrhea, watery and severe, which may also be bloody

Ø Difficulty with breathing, chewing, or talking

Ø Double vision

Ø Excessive muscle tone

Ø Feeling of discomfort

Ø Feeling, seeing, or hearing things that are not there

Ø Increased sensitivity to pain

Ø Increased sensitivity to touch

Ø Irregular or slow heart rate

Ø Mood changes

Ø Nosebleeds

Ø Rapid heart rate

Ø Red skin lesions, often with a purple center

Ø Seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not there

Ø Sores, ulcers, or white spots on the lips or in the mouth

Ø Unusual bleeding or bruising

Ø Unusual excitement, nervousness, or restlessness

Ø Vaginal yeast infection

Some side effects of Ciprofloxacin may occur that usually do not need medical attention. These side effects may go away during treatment as your body adjusts to the medicine. Also, your health care professional (What happened to the word “Doctor”?) may be able to tell you about ways to prevent or reduce some of these side effects. Check with your health care professional (Formerly known as “Doctor”.) if any of the following side effects continue or are bothersome or if you have any questions about them...

Ø Runny nose

Ø Sneezing

Ø Stuffy nose

At this point Big Pharma is also confused and can't make up its mind...Runny Nose and Stuffy Nose? I wonder if you can get these simultaneously?

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Did you notice that the Possible Side Effects are listed in Alphabetical Order? I thought about calling Mr. Ciprofloxacin Maker and asking him, if I did get all of the Side Effects, would I get them in Alphabetical Order?

I did not make the call because I was afraid he would have thought I was being Silly or Foolish or a Wise Guy or a Smartfella or even a Smart Alex.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Another “I’m Gonna Be Rich” Blog Posting

I made contact with “Wearing Face Masks R Us” and made a proposal that they pay me $0.25 for every time I see a Fellow American Face Mask Wearer walking around with a Face Mask that only covers his Chin.

At first they turned me down but then I was pleased to hear them say, “You know, we can do that for you. We just noticed that we have received $10 Million from COVID-19 Stimulus Package #17 and we have no idea why we got it, so we might as well pass a couple of million dollars onto you. You seem like a Nicefella”.

Being a Smartfella is important but being a Nicefella is where the Big Bucks are!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Here Is Fella’s Fix For All That Ails Us As We Trek Through The Age Of Corona

All we need to be happy is a Shmoo. We only need one Shmoo because, if you have one Shmoo, you will shortly have a lot more Shmoos.

To get things started what we need is to have Congress bring Cartoonist Al Capp back from the dead and tell him to bring Shmoos with him. Having Shmoos all around us would make us forget about everything Corona. It would be wonderful!

Did I just hear you say that Congress can’t bring people back from the dead? I think they ought to give it a try. Congress is always passing laws that are Unenforceable and Silly. I see no reason why they can’t pass laws that are Impossible.

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Did I get ahead of myself? You don’t know what a Shmoo is? Wikipedia knows all about them...

A Shmoo is shaped like a plump bowling pin with stubby legs. It has smooth skin, eyebrows, and sparse whiskers—but no arms, nose, or ears. Its feet are short and round, but dexterous, as the Shmoo's Comic Book adventures make clear. It has a rich gamut of facial expressions and often expresses love by exuding hearts over its head. Cartoonist Al Capp ascribed to the Shmoo the following curious characteristics:

Ø They reproduce asexually and are incredibly prolific, multiplying faster than rabbits. They require no sustenance other than air.

Ø Shmoos are delicious to eat, and are eager to be eaten. If a human looks at one hungrily, it will happily immolate itself—either by jumping into a frying pan, after which they taste like chicken, or into a broiling pan, after which they taste like steak. When roasted they taste like pork, and when baked they taste like catfish. Raw, they taste like oysters on the half-shell.

Ø They also produce eggs (neatly packaged), milk (bottled, grade-A), and butter—no churning required. Their pelts make perfect boot leather or house timbers, depending on how thick one slices them.

Ø They have no bones, so there's absolutely no waste. Their eyes make the best suspender buttons, and their whiskers make perfect toothpicks. In short, they are simply the perfect ideal of a subsistence agricultural herd animal.

Ø Naturally gentle, they require minimal care and are ideal playmates for young children. The frolicking of Shmoos is so entertaining (such as their staged "shmoosical comedies") that people no longer feel the need to watch television or go to the movies.

Ø Some of the more tasty varieties of shmoo are more difficult to catch, however. Usually shmoo hunters, now a sport in some parts of the country, use a paper bag, flashlight, and stick to capture their Shmoos. At night the light stuns them, then they may be whacked in the head with the stick and put in the bag for frying up later on.

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Since this is the bottom, here is the Second to Last Bottom Line...

Shmoos Exist To Make Us Happy

The Last Bottom Line is...

Too Bad They Don’t Exist

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Should You Or Should You Not Hide Your Valuable Stuff?

If you want to put Something Valuable in the Way Back of your 5-Door Car, the manufacturers provide their buyers with a Security Cover. This allows the car owners to pull the Security Cover over their Valuable Stuff to ensure that their Valuable Stuff will not be seen by a passing Snidely Whiplash.

The Security Cover keeps Snidely from looking into your Way Back and seeing your Valuable Stuff and then breaking into your car to take your Valuable Stuff to add your stuff to his collection of Stolen Valuable Stuff he has already stolen.

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Words to the Wise… Never Use The Security Cover!

• If there is something of value under the Security Cover, Snidely will break your window to get to your valuable stuff. 
• If there is nothing of value under the Security Cover, Snidely will break your window because he will think you would not have pulled the Security Cover unless there was something of value to cover. 
• If there is something of value and you leave it Uncovered, Snidely will break your window to get to your valuable stuff. 
• If you do not have anything of value and you leave your Way Back uncovered, Snidely will not break your window because he can see there is no reason to break your window.

The only time you will not get your window broken is when there is nothing back there and that nothing is uncovered.

If you insist on using your car to carry something, you can save the expense of paying to have your window replaced if you put a sign on your back window that says to Snidely…

“Dear Mr. Whiplash, do not break my window to get my Valuable Stuff. Please wait until I return to my car and mug me for my valuable stuff without breaking my window. I promise I will not be long. I also promise I will cooperate with the mugging. Then you can be on your way to do your other dastardly deeds”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Unless you have been living under a rock with ear plugs inserted, you are aware that some of our former great cities are presently in utter chaos. As would be expected in such circumstances, muggings have sky rocked. It is so bad that Muggers are offering their Muggees half of what they were just mugged for, if the Muggee will walk the Mugger safely back home.

The Evolution of the Illegal Alien

What Do You Mean I Can’ Say Illegal?

Ø Illegal Alien evolved into Illegal Immigrant

Ø Which evolved into Undocumented Worker

Ø Which evolved into Undocumented Immigrant

Ø Which evolved into Undocumented Visitor

Ø Which evolved into Undocumented Voter

Ø Which evolved into Visiting Illegal Citizen

Ø Which evolved into Illegal Undocumented Visiting Citizen 

Ø Which appears to be evolving into Citizen

Is Somebody Kidding Us?

Smartfella

 

If You Are Insane, I Have A Deal For You!

I’ll start off this venture into Foolishness by asking you two questions...

First Question: When was the last time you heard a commercial trying to Sell You a Timeshare?
Answer from You: Such commercials must be against the law because I can’t remember the last time I heard one of those commercials on Radio or TV.

Second Question: When was the last time you heard a commercial telling you how the Company That paid for the Commercial could Get You Out of a Timeshare?
Answer from You: That’s easy. It was the last time I listened to my Radio or watched my TV. Actually they sounded so confident that they could get rid of my awful Timeshare that it made me wish I owned one so they could get rid of it for me and save me a lot of money and aggravation.

These commercials paint a very dark picture of Timeshare Ownership...

• More headache than paradise
• Expensive to keep up
• Difficult to exchange
• Impossible to sell
• Rising maintenance fees
• Timeshares are not assets
• Never increase in value

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Based on all the bad publicity, it is a wonder any new Timeshares are being sold in the Good Ole USofA.

I am one to let my mind wander and, while listening to one of these Get You Out Commercials my mind wandered into thinking...

A person has to be really insane to buy a Timeshare. I bet as soon as new Timeshare Buyers walk out of the sales office they are met by men in white coats who throw nets over them, put them in Strait Jackets and take them to the Loony Bin.

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However, all of the above has made Door To Door Timeshare Sales Prospecting a lot more efficient...

Ø The Salesman knocks on the door of an American Person.

Ø The American Person opens the door.

Ø The Salesman asks the American Person, “Do you own a Timeshare?

Ø If the American Person says, “Yes I do”, the Salesman does not have to waste any more time but he quickly turns around and goes to the next house.

Ø When the Salesman comes across an American Person who answers, “No I don’t own a Timeshare”, the Salesman then asks the American Person, “Are you insane?”

Ø If the American Person says, “No, I’m not insane”, the Salesman again quickly turns around and goes to the next house and the Qualifying Process is again repeated.

Ø When the Salesman comes across an American Person who answers, “Yes, I am insane”, he takes out his Timeshare Purchase Contract and says, “Sign here”.

Certainly some of my Dear Readers are Timeshare Owners and they just became offended and are thinking about not reading my Blog ever again.

I ask those Dear Readers to keep reading my Foolishness. It’s not my fault you are Nuts.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

I Don’t Mean To Be Picky But This Is Crazy!

Chadwick Aaron Boseman (November 29, 1976 – August 28, 2020) was an American actor.  Boseman achieved international fame for playing superhero Black Panther in the Marvel Cinematic Universe from 2016 to 2019.

He died the age of 43. Boseman’s cause of death was colon cancer, which he battled in secret over the past four years.

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He looks like he was a fine person and I am going to accept that as fact because I am not going to start scouring the Internet to find out some dirt that would make me think he was not a fine person. I know finding dirt on people is one of the “benefits” of the Internet but I choose not to go there.

Solomon "Sol" Wachtler was Chief Judge of the New York Court of Appeals from 1985 to 1992. His most famous quote was that District Attorneys could get Grand Juries to "indict a ham sandwich". I’m not sure how true this is but I bet the Internet could, at the very least, get us to develop an abiding Distrust of a Ham Sandwich.

That having been said, I do think our Idol Worship of Celebrities is out of control. I did see on the internet where the father of a 7-year-old boy has gotten himself all wrapped up in his son’s Idol Worship of Chadwick.

The father said his 7-year-old son was devastated when he learned of Chadwick death. The father said (not exact quote)...

I'm not saying this lightly but Chadwick was his hero. Black Panther was important to my son because he loved seeing a superhero hero that looked like him. He understands Black Panther is fictional but Chadwick made my son believe a Black Boy could grow up and be a strong Black Superhero.

Hold on a minute Daddy. Did you hear what you just said?...

Ø Is it healthy to choose for your heroes people who are not real people?

Ø Did you and your son forget that Black Panther was a Fictional Cartoon Character (is Fictional Cartoon redundant?)?

Ø Wait, Daddy, you did not forget because you just said, “He understands Black Panther is fictional”.

Ø Daddy, you also said, “He made my son believe a Black Boy could grow up and be a Strong Black Superhero”.

Ø Do you really believe that your son believing he can become a Superhero is a good thing?

What happened to Fictional? There is no such a thing as an Actual Live Cartoon Superhero. So, the bottom line is, you think it’s a good thing your son thinks he can grow up to be something that ain’t.

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Petition launched to replace Confederate statue with memorial for 'Black Panther' Chadwick Boseman

The leader of the petition to remove and replace the statue said, "Mr. Boseman is a hero to this nation but more importantly a hero to the town of Anderson (SC). His legacy was one of excellence and equality. It is only natural that his hometown honors what he did. There is no need for political controversy in this decision."

I’m not sure Mr. Petition Leader will be able to avoid controversy but I am certain he will not be able to prevent people from scratching their heads about his Statue Replacement Proposal. The current statue was dedicated to the Confederate Veterans of Anderson County and was erected in 1902 by the citizens of Anderson County.

Questions need to be asked and answered by the Statue Remove and Replace Movement before we or the statue gets carried away...

Ø Do we need legislation enacted that will specify how long a statue has to be upright before it can be replaced because of a story run on the prior night’s evening news.

Ø The Nightly News comes on every night. If we allow the Nightly News to control the removal of statues, we are going to be removing a lot of statues.

Ø Now that we appear to be embarking on the path of erecting statues to Superheroes do we need give thought to the erection of statues to Unicorns, Mermaids and Pets that belonged to Celebrities?

Ø I understand it has been proposed that we remove all standing statues and begin erecting new statues to new people and things all over the Good Ole USofA (this proposal was made by Statues R Us a Statue Erection Company since 1745 in Quincy, MA). 

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If I knew what was good for me and you I would stop this Blog Posting here and now but I just remembered that when I was in Flight School in 1964 I lived in Enterprise, AL for a month and they have there the World’s First Monument to a Pest.

If you have come this far, you might as well watch this very short You Tube Video... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGKrfyJ7qC8

Would I kid u?

Smartfella