Here Is Fella’s Fix For All That Ails Us As We Trek Through The Age Of Corona

All we need to be happy is a Shmoo. We only need one Shmoo because, if you have one Shmoo, you will shortly have a lot more Shmoos.

To get things started what we need is to have Congress bring Cartoonist Al Capp back from the dead and tell him to bring Shmoos with him. Having Shmoos all around us would make us forget about everything Corona. It would be wonderful!

Did I just hear you say that Congress can’t bring people back from the dead? I think they ought to give it a try. Congress is always passing laws that are Unenforceable and Silly. I see no reason why they can’t pass laws that are Impossible.

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Did I get ahead of myself? You don’t know what a Shmoo is? Wikipedia knows all about them...

A Shmoo is shaped like a plump bowling pin with stubby legs. It has smooth skin, eyebrows, and sparse whiskers—but no arms, nose, or ears. Its feet are short and round, but dexterous, as the Shmoo's Comic Book adventures make clear. It has a rich gamut of facial expressions and often expresses love by exuding hearts over its head. Cartoonist Al Capp ascribed to the Shmoo the following curious characteristics:

Ø They reproduce asexually and are incredibly prolific, multiplying faster than rabbits. They require no sustenance other than air.

Ø Shmoos are delicious to eat, and are eager to be eaten. If a human looks at one hungrily, it will happily immolate itself—either by jumping into a frying pan, after which they taste like chicken, or into a broiling pan, after which they taste like steak. When roasted they taste like pork, and when baked they taste like catfish. Raw, they taste like oysters on the half-shell.

Ø They also produce eggs (neatly packaged), milk (bottled, grade-A), and butter—no churning required. Their pelts make perfect boot leather or house timbers, depending on how thick one slices them.

Ø They have no bones, so there's absolutely no waste. Their eyes make the best suspender buttons, and their whiskers make perfect toothpicks. In short, they are simply the perfect ideal of a subsistence agricultural herd animal.

Ø Naturally gentle, they require minimal care and are ideal playmates for young children. The frolicking of Shmoos is so entertaining (such as their staged "shmoosical comedies") that people no longer feel the need to watch television or go to the movies.

Ø Some of the more tasty varieties of shmoo are more difficult to catch, however. Usually shmoo hunters, now a sport in some parts of the country, use a paper bag, flashlight, and stick to capture their Shmoos. At night the light stuns them, then they may be whacked in the head with the stick and put in the bag for frying up later on.

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Since this is the bottom, here is the Second to Last Bottom Line...

Shmoos Exist To Make Us Happy

The Last Bottom Line is...

Too Bad They Don’t Exist

Would I kid u?

Smartfella