Are They Making These Things Up?

I have already written a blog about Exit Polls which questioned how they report such minute detail about how we voted immediately after we voted.

This one is just as silly and just as unbelievable. It’s about Black Friday Shopping Statistics.

                     

A mere two days after we survived Black Friday we are being told…

• Sales were up .3%.
• Total sales were $10,690,000,000 (always amazes me that such reported numbers come out to exact round figures).
• There was a 2.2% increase in Floor Traffic.

Let us think about these numbers a bit…

• Less than 48 hours after we started charging through the doors of retailers all across the good ole USofA they know that we bought $32,070,000 more stuff than the prior year.
• With regard to that $10,690,000,000 total sales figure, please do not lose track of the fact that this is Ten Point Six Nine Thousand Million Dollars.

As for the Floor Traffic… How could they possibly know that there was not a 2.1% or a 2.3% increase in floor traffic but an exact 2.2% increase? I also think this is why the parking lots are so full. There must be a bureaucrat following each one of us in and out of all the stores we trafficked into.

Imagine how we could stimulate the economy if the Numbers Counters would release these Traffic Followers from their assigned duties and told them to go shopping instead of following us around all day.

I want you to know that I did my part to contribute to the total sales of $10,690,000,000. I am now the proud owner of a 50 Pack of CD-R Disks for which I paid $4.99.

Please do not add a comment to this blog posting telling me how proud you are of me for my purchase. I am more than glad to do my part to contribute to our economic recovery during this dire economic situation.

Would I kid u?

Safe, Secure And Protected From Everything

It gives me a great sense of security to know that “they” are looking out for me at all times. On the other hand, there are times that I wish “they” would leave me to my own devices (whatever that means).

The other day I was sitting in a nice quiet restaurant waiting for my nice quiet lunch to arrive and I took note of the following...

Contents Under Pressure, bottle may burst or cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Be sure to always point away from face and people, especially while opening.

I have never been attacked by a soda pop bottle and now that I have wasted my time reading this warning you can bet I will never be attacked by a soda pop bottle in the future.

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It was many years ago as I was assembling a bicycle on Christmas Eve when I first became aware that “they” were looking out for me (and my son).

I had just laid out all the parts on the floor. There were about 50 parts to be assembled into what was to become my son’s new bicycle. I opened up the instructions and the first two entries on the Assembly List were the following warnings...

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF MY CREATIVE FOOLISHNESS.

Warning #1... This product must be assembled by a competent person.
I looked behind myself and found no one back there, so I went ahead with my project.

Warning #2... This product must be assembled before use.
Having already laid out the 50 parts, I already knew that they had to be assembled.

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Are you ready? Here comes the official start of my Creative Foolishness...

Nerf Balls were invented to keep our little ones from hurting themselves (bent fingers, black eyes, broken finger nails, bruised chest tissue, etc.). The question facing us today is... Is there still child endangerment lurking in Nerf Balls?

Is it not possible that a little American could get his family scissors and cut the Nerf Ball into pieces small enough that he could try to eat the little tasty looking nerf ball pieces and get them caught in his little throat and choke his little self to death?

The way I see it the Little People Protection Association of America* (LPPAA) ought to organize a nationwide effort to get all Nerf Balls removed from harm’s way. In every home they ought to be placed on a high shelf out of reach from small people. Then and only then will our little ones be Safe, Secure and Protected.

Will little Americans miss their Nerf Balls? I’m sure they will but this action is being recommended for their own good.

In the future, the fathers of America can periodically lift up their children and let them gaze upon the Family’s Nerf Ball. As a matter of fact, Child Lifting to allow Child Gazing ought to be a Federal Law. That ought to do it.

Would I kid u?
* The LPPAA National Convention is held every year in Las Vegas on the first weekend of July. Free admission can be obtained by bringing a dangerous child toy for analysis by the Top Shelf Committee.

I’m Determined To Worry About Something Else

We all know that we are required by Federal Law to worry about lots of different things. There is some speculation inside the Beltway that this Federal Law does allow us to select what we worry about. Others say that we do not have this prerogative and we do, in fact, have to worry about everything… Or do we?

The latest big worry that has been directed my way is…

There Is Lead In Some Reusable Cloth Bags

“TAMPA TRIBUNE November 19, 2010- Besides causing learning disabilities in children, the toxic chemical lead is especially good at making green inks look greener and yellow inks yellower.

That's the most likely reason why recent tests commissioned by The Tampa Tribune found elevated lead levels in elaborately decorated grocery bags sold at Winn-Dixie and Publix, according to executives in the promotional merchandise manufacturing industry.”

Now I probably do not know what I am talking about (so what’s new?) but I have decided that this is one worrisome thing that I am not going to worry about…

• The amount of time that my cantaloupe is going to spend in my Elaborately Decorated Reusable Cloth Bag is probably about 20 minutes (time it takes to drive home from the grocery store).
• In my uninformed opinion, I believe that it will take a lot longer than 20 minutes for those evil thingies inside that leaded bag to leach into my unsuspecting piece of fruit.
• My uninformed and Foolish opinion goes a bit further and says that it would probably take about 52 years of being wrapped up in my Elaborately Decorated Reusable Cloth Bag for my cantaloupe's skin to be penetrated.

OK, I got carried away in my third bullet above… Or did I?

Would I kid u?

Donuts Or Christmas – They Are Very Much Alike

It was fun to watch that old Dunkin Donuts Commercial where the chubby, bleary-eyed man stumbles out of his bedroom and, while wiping his eyes, he says, “Time To Make The Donuts”.

The same thing happens every year with the Christmas Shopping Season. The people who feed us our thoughts have in their word processors articles that predict for us every year how bad the Christmas Shopping Season is going to be. They just change a few “facts” in the article and change the date and publish it to us and there you have it, We Are All Worried About How Bad It Is Going To Be...again

We worry about...

• Do we have a personal obligation to spend more money than we thought we were going to spend or even more than we have in order to keep the economy going?
• These articles cause us to be greatly concerned about the children of the Christmas Retailers who depend so much on the Christmas Buying Frenzy for their continuing ability to buy stuff for themselves.
• If there really is a Santa Claus, how could he allow this to happen?

Then Christmas comes and goes (it does this every year) and, if (as so often happens) the Christmas Shopping Season turned out to be not as bad as predicted or absolutely bonkers good, we read about it on Page 42 of Section C of our newspaper.

Would I kid u?

Already Been Worn Out Jeans For Sale

My wife used to have a part-time job at Bloomingdale's Department Store. One time when I went to pick her up my confusion about the world I live in went up another notch or two.

Image via Wikipedia 

When I was a small person, my mother would periodically send me down to Weinstein's Department Store to buy a replacement pair of Blue Jeans. This was not a big department store but a small family owned neighborhood establishment. She would give me a $5 bill to make my purchase. I would pay Mr. Weinstein $3.47. After I had completed my purchase, I would worry my little self all the way home. My concern was, if I kept throwing money around like this, would my parents be able to make ends meet.

When I returned home with my new pair of Levis my mother was always expectant (expecting the change).

Why was I throwing my mother’s money around like that? It was because my present pair of jeans was worn out, had holes in them and they just looked terrible.

At Bloomingdale’s that day I saw numerous pairs of jeans on display that looked like those I had replaced when I was a kid. They were worn out looking, faded, frayed and had lots of holes in them. It looked like they had been recycled from Mr. Weinstein's trash dumpster behind his store.

They had been, of course, made to look old but they were new. The most shocking part is they did not cost $3.47. These jeans cost $260. Why do they cost $260? Is this high price because the manufacturer had to pay some Chinaman to wear them for two years to make them ready for sale to trendy Americans?

Something is wrong here. Wine and Tabasco Sauce have to be aged before those products are ready for sale. This may be the same principle. These jeans are “aged”.

The line above could very well be the end of this foolishness but the silliness is going to go on a wee bit more.

Yesterday’s newspaper ads tell me that trendy (trendy = silly) Americans are handing over their money for the likes of:

• Bikini swim suit top for $265 and bottom for $135 (total $400). If the manufacturer would beat the suit with a hammer and rip some holes in them with a pitch fork, they could really charge a lot.
• A Rag & Bone (whatever that is) Sweater for $425. Mr. Weinstein sold the likes of them for $8.95 plus tax.
• A Yacht Club Chronograph for $23,100. It looks a lot like the $14 Timex on my arm at this moment.

All these products above are, of course, a much higher quality than those that were for sale at Weinstein’s and Woolworth’s 5 & 10 Cents Store… Or are they?

Would I kid u?

Accidents Happen ... Or At Least They Used To

When I was young my Mother (and lots of other mothers, fathers, neighbors, barbers, etc.) would tell me, “Accidents Happen”. That was a long time ago because I come from a long time ago.

Things are different now. Whenever anything bad happens now (also known as, something for which a law suit could be filed), it is somebody’s fault. With any luck it will be the fault of someone or something with a lot of money.

I grew up dependent upon unassailable truths like...

• “A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned” has now been replaced by, “A penny ain’t much. Throw it on the ground as soon as you walk out of McDonald’s”.
• “A Stitch In Time Is Worth Nine” has now been replaced by, “Throw it away. Go to the mall and buy another one”.

The old saying that worried me the most as a child was the one where, after I asked my Mother for a nickel she would say to me, “If I had a nickel, I would sit up and watch it all night”. This was very traumatic to my little mind. I would immediately start worrying about what, if anything, we were going to eat for supper that night.

Would I kid u?

Initial Product Offering?

Billy Durant founder of General Motors

General Motors began as a Corporation in September 1908 but in the very near future it will have its Initial Public Offering (IPO).

How can that be? Does not “initial” have something to do with First Time or Original?

Maybe they are confused over at GM? Maybe they got their wording mixed up? Maybe they ought to be having...

• An “Another Public Offering” (APO)?
• A “We Really Need the Money Public Offering” (WRNMPO).
• A “Latest Public Offering” (LPO).

At first I thought GM’s Initial Public Offering idea was foolish. Considering everything else that is going on in the world, this one is probably not very high on the Foolishness Scale... Or is it?

Would I kid u?

That Was Then ... This Is Now

I read in my newspaper recently where a manager in a McDonald's in Brazil has successfully sued his employer for a 65 pound weight gain he experienced over the twelve years he was employed as a manager. The court paid him $17,500.

He contended in his suit that he was forced (notice the use of the word “forced”) to eat the food from his restaurant each day in order to ensure quality standard remained high. He felt great pressure from McDonald’s because it hired “mystery clients” to randomly visit the restaurant he managed to report on food, service and cleanliness (notice how he almost makes this mystery shopping sound evil).

Oh, by the way, he did not have to pay for the food he ate.

The Smartfella? is able to see into the future. I knew this law suit was coming the day he was hired twelve years ago. In anticipation of this day, I had a dentist friend of mine in Brazil implant a solar powered electronic bug in this guy’s left front tooth. During these twelve years I recorded him saying 323,667 times... What a great place to work! I love it here! The best part is I don’t have to pay for any of the food I eat!

Now fatso sits on the witness stand and says he was “forced” to eat all that yummy food.

I wonder if he had been employed as a Hangman, and he had been told he could hang himself as often as he wanted, how many times he would have stretched his rope in order to ensure that he was a quality hangman.

I sure glad I live in the good ole USofA where our society is not as law suit happy as they are in Brazil... Or are we?

Would I kid u?

A Voice Crying In The Wilderness...Me!

I am on the outside looking in. I am not sure what a “Blogger” is but I certainly am one...I think.

I keep hearing news reports like...
 Democrat legislators met with Democratic/Liberal/Progressive Bloggers.
 Republican legislators seeking input from Republican/Conservative Bloggers.

What I don’t hear about is...

 Democrat legislators met with Foolish Bloggers.

 Republican legislators seeking input from Silly Bloggers.

They just don’t want to hear what I have to say.

Over the weekend I traveled to Washington, D.C. to try and find out why I am being ignored. I went into a frequented Congressional Watering Hole yesterday disguised again as a potted plant to attend the Friday Night Happy Hour (The Friday Night Happy Hour was still going strong on Sunday Night.)

On several occasions I actually did hear my Blog being discussed. The question would be posed... Do you think we should contact the Smartfella? and get his input?

Every time that question was asked the same answer came back...

No need to bother with that. He consistently uses Common Sense in his blog postings. The Folks (they love to call us “folks”) back on Main Street would not know what the heck he is talking about.

More importantly, you should not forget, he comes from outside the Beltway and any thinking from outside the Beltway is unimportant because it does not come from inside the Beltway.

Would I kid u?