I Am So Pleased!

Just when I was beginning to lose faith in the Younger Generation, I am seeing a dramatic change for the better!

 

That Rembrandt fellow was one great painter and his Night Watch is one of his most famous works of art. The youth of today have become aware of his greatness and are flocking to museums which exhibit his works.

 

My faith in the younger generation has been restored...Or has it?

 

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

My Men Readers Will Appreciate This More Than My Women Readers

About 5 years ago I was walking through Home Depot looking for the beer (Yes, it was one of my Confused Days) and I happened upon a potential Impulse Purchase that was about to become My Impulse Purchase and I impulsively purchased it.

This is why my men readers appreciate this Blog Posting more than my women readers. We do such things as this and it then becomes a two-stage happening...

Ø Stage 1...We buy it.

Ø Stage 2...We put it in the garage and every time we see it in the garage we say to our collective selves, “Self, why did I buy this?”

 

Since last Thursday I have came to full understand that I am an Excellent Impulse Shopper.

 

My back attacked me with a vengeance last Wednesday afternoon. I had to sleep in my once sweaty tennis clothes that night because I could not take off my socks and I have an aversion to taking a shower with my socks on.

 

Picking up something off the floor was almost impossible and necessitated slowly getting down on 1 knee still slowly reaching down and picking up what needed to be picked up.

 

It is also an interesting phenomenon that, when one hurts one’s back like this, one drops far more things than one normally drops his things.

 

Why do we say, “Needless to say” and then we automatically go on to say what it was needless to say? I’m going to do it here, “Needless to say, I picked up a whole bunch more things with my Nifty Impulse Purchase in the last few days than I picked up with it since I bought it 5 years ago. All this time my nifty Impulse Purchase sat in my garage saying to itself, ‘Why did he buy me?’”.

 

Since this is near the Bottom Line of this Posting, I will now give you the Bottom Line...

If you see one of these Grabber/Pinchy Thingies in Home Depot, buy it. If you have a bad back, you are going to need it. If you don’t have a bad back, buy it anyway, because someday you are going to have a bad back.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

What I Would Like To See And Hear

Here I Go Being Picky Again

This is what I keep seeing and hearing:

Ø Iran keeps shooting off Ballistic-Missiles.

Ø During an interview, an Iranian Spokesman claims that these missiles are not for the purpose of sending nuclear missiles to those places that Iran keeps saying it intends to send nuclear missiles to in order to wipe those places off the face of the Earth.

Ø The Spokesman smiles as he goes on to say that these are peaceful missiles which are intended to be used to put into orbit Weather and Communication Satellites.

Ø The Interviewer appears to be satisfied with that answer, smiles and goes on to another question about a completely different subject.

 

This is what I would like to see and hear:

The fourth bullet above replaced with this bullet...

Ø The Interviewer says to the Iranian Spokesman, “Mr. Spokesman, if the missile launch was intended for the future insertion of Weather and Communication Satellites, why did you just say the missile failed on re-entry? Weather and Communication Satellites have no need for re-entry. They are supposed to stay up there.”

 

Would they kid us?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Now you can see why I was turned down when I applied to be an Interviewer.

Remembering E.F. Hutton

Remember those E.F. Hutton TV Commercials in the late 1970s and early ‘80s where the announcer used that line, “When E.F. Hutton Talks, People Listen”? Everyone in the picture stopped what they were doing and leaned toward the E.F. Hutton Talking Person. That commercial was certainly an attention getter.

 

It appears China has taken this Listening Thing to a whole new level. They have been “listening” to the world for years. Only, in the case of China, they have been listening and stealing what they heard while listening regarding Technology and Manufacturing Secrets. Then China has been competing against those who they stole the Technology and Manufacturing Secrets from in the world market.

 

I have it on reliable sources that what they have been doing is dressing up their Listeners as Potted Plants (guess who they stole this idea from?) and strategically placing their Plant Listeners in Make-It-Happen Companies all over the world. You can tell if the plant over there is a Chinese Plant Listener if, as soon as some Trade Secret begins being discussed, the plant leans toward the speaker.

 

China has been working so hard at stealing that they are not able to do some pretty ordinary manufacturing tasks on their own. I’ll give you an example that my newspaper just told me about...

·        Chinese manufacturers produce 38 billion ballpoint pens a year.

·        This is 80% of the global ballpoint market.

·        They have not, however, produced the Nib (the part that holds the ball at the tip).

·        After a five-year effort, one Chinese company recently achieved this mission of national interest.

 

Don’t blame me. My newspaper came up with the words “of national interest”. It does not sound like that big a deal to me.

 

I must be wrong about my No Big Deal Statement above. A Chinese spokesman said this, “It’s meaningful to have a breakthrough in the core technology for the domestic industry. What if there’s a war?”

 

It sure seems like the Chinese are planning ahead. When they go to war they want to be able to use their Made in China by Chinese Ballpoint Pens to write bad things about whoever they are warring upon.

 

Here Is Where I Go Off On Another (But Related) Tangent

I’ve often wondered about all this talk about the Chinese planning to kill everybody. Follow along with me as I imagine the rulers of China discussing the possibility of going to war. The Big Chinese Warmonger says the following...

·        Fedwick is very important to the economy of China.

·        We export 65% of everything we make to Fedwick.

·        72% of our workers are employed in making Chinese products for export to Fedwick.

·        I hereby propose that at dawn tomorrow we launch 300 Mao Missiles at Fedwick and wipe it and its Chinese Product Consuming People off the face of the Earth.

 

Does that not sound kind of drastic? Does that not sound kind of stupid? Let’s all hope they are not prone to drastic and stupid because my wild and crazy made-up numbers above may be Made-Up Foolishness but I’m pretty certain we are Fedwick.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

The Devil Made Me Do It But It Makes No Nevermind Because It’s About To Be Legal

I picked this up from the Wall Street Journal and 2 different Internet Sites...

 

Demonstrators massed through the streets of Bucharest, Romania—as well as smaller towns and cities throughout the country—shouting “thieves, thieves!” The protesters condemned an emergency ordinance decree that decriminalized the theft of public funds when the amount involved is less than $48,000.

The leader of the ruling Social Democratic Party is on trial for diverting a sum just short of that.

The protests, among the largest the country has seen since the fall of communism in 1989, began after the decree was passed without the vote of Parliament.

 

Let me see if understand what’s going on here...

Ø A public official steals just under $48,000.

Ø That public official passes a decree which says that stealing just over what he stole is not illegal.

Ø The public official passed the decree without the vote of Parliament by decreeing the decree all by himself.

 

I have been accused of making things up because I sometimes make things up but I’m not sure even I could make up this one...Or could I?...Or have I?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: The above Foolishness...Or Is It was written yesterday. Yesterday again came before today & today my newspaper tells me that the Decree Maker has withdrawn his Awful Decree. Personkind has dodged another bullet but we ought to stay alert because the Evil People out there have more bullets. Actually they seem to have an unlimited supply.

I Can’t Believe I Am About To Say This!

I have Blogged more than once about the fact that we have Too Many Laws. Am I now going to go back on this prior stated position and propose that our 11% Approval Rated Congress pass another law? It appears that’s exactly what I am going to do.

 

We often hear said, or say ourselves, that We Have a Fundamental Right in the Good Ole USofA to Demonstrate. This is how we can convey to our Rulers what our concerns are about the way our country is headed...

Ø We demonstrate.

Ø The government becomes aware of our concerns.

Ø The government takes a second look at what has upset us.

Ø The government sees the error of its ways or sees that it is politically advantageous to them to acquiesce to our concerns.

Ø The government gives in to our demands.

Ø We have made the Good Ole USofA a better place to live in for ourselves and for future generations.

Ø We go back to making widgets and writing blogs.

 

There is a Big Fly in this Ointment. Is it proper that the very wealthy pay demonstrators to demonstrate? Is this not not conveying the concerns of the citizens but conveying the wants of the very wealthy?

 

Think about it...

Is it not possible that policy changes that result from successful paid demonstration just might be the wishes of only the single Very Rich Person who financed the demonstration?

 

Does this sound like a Fundamental Right to you or is it a Fundamental Right gone amuck?

 

OK, I’ll come right out and say it...

It ought to be against the law to pay demonstrators to demonstrate.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Do you think I am about to get audited by the IRS? Actually, I feel certain I don’t have to worry about an audit. The only one who reads this Blog is you and you don’t work for the IRS...Or do u?

Dear Federal Government, Your Policy Is Not Working

Your policy of Making Like North Korea does not exist is not working. They are out there and they are making some really Provocative Statements and/or Threats directed at the Good Ole USofA, South Korea & Japan.

 

Did I just hear you say to your collective selves, “What Provocative Statements and/or Threats?” Where have you been? Try these on for size...

·        North Korea has said its main nuclear complex was working again and it was working on weapons to use against the United States.

·        North Korea has said it would fire without warning at South Korean naval vessels.

·        North Korea has said it will strike in any waters it wants to and wipe out the hostile forces infringing upon the sovereignty and dignity of North Korea.

·        North Korea once said all foreigners and foreign-run businesses in the South should draw up evacuation plans. (Don’t know the outcome of this demand. Our News Media is not very good at reporting outcomes. They specialize in publishing stuff for us to worry about.)

·        North Korea is continuously issuing shrill warnings about what it describes as likely armed conflict on the peninsula.

·        Awhile back North Korea told diplomats in Pyongyang that their safety couldn’t be guaranteed beyond the following week. (Don’t know the outcome of this demand. Our News Media is not very good at reporting outcomes. They specialize in publishing stuff for us to worry about.)

·        North Korea has warned that the U.S. should not forget that the Anderson Air Force Base on Guam (where B-52 bombers are based) and naval bases in Japan and Okinawa (where nuclear-powered submarines are berthed) are within the striking range of their precision strike capabilities.

·        North Korea has stated that, now that the U.S. started open nuclear blackmail and threat, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, will move to take corresponding military actions.

·        Their young and unpredictable leader, Kim Jong-Un, reacted with anger to something or other and threatening to attack America, South Korea and Japan.

·        Their young and unpredictable leader, Kim Jong-Un, toured military units calling for them to prepare for “all-out war”.

·        North Korea has confirmed it has pulled out of an armistice with its "enemies" and added the next step will be an act of merciless military retaliation.

·        North Korea has stated that America, South Korea and Japan should be well advised to keep in mind that the armistice agreement is no longer valid and North Korea is not restrained by the North-South declaration on non-aggression.

 

Fella Observation: North Korea’s official long name is the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Why is it that governments who hate Democracy & in no way can be considered Republics, so many times call themselves “Democratic and/or Republic”?

 

My dear readers, now that I have made you nervous about North Korea, please allow me to relieve some of your anxiety. Last year the Obama Administration State Department released a statement directed at North Korea that is certain to make them nervous...

“We continue to call on North Korea to refrain from irresponsible provocations that aggravate regional tensions and instead focus on fulfilling its international obligations and commitments.”

That oughta do it...Or will it?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: I am not sure our Congress is even aware of exactly where the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea actually is. I know that many members of Congress do read my blog and, I always like to help them out whenever I can, so I am including in this blog posting a map of Korea.

Lagniappe 2: Dear Members of Congress, do you see North Korea? It’s right under China. China is really big. You do see China, don’t you...Or don’t u?

Yesterday Was A Whirlwind Day!

For those who don’t follow NBA Basketball, you might not know the Golden State Warriors are being touted as one of the greatest teams, if not the greatest team, in the history of the NBA.

 

For example, Saturday they played a very good Los Angeles Clippers team and won by 46 points. Their 2-Time MVB (last 2 seasons) scored 46 points and he did not play at all in the 4^th quarter.

 

However, the team’s management has decided they need one more piece of the puzzle to win the NBA Championship this year...me.

 

I was contacted by the team yesterday and told that they wanted me to sign a contract and fly out immediately to join the team for their next game. The amount of money they initially offered me was unbelievably high.

 

Seeing their desperation, I decided to press for even more money. We negotiated for about 2 hours and they finally agreed to my ridiculous money demands. They complimented me on my negotiating skills and we wrapped up the terms of the contract right there on the phone.

 

My wife had already started packing my bag with my lucky socks when, almost as an aside, they asked me if I had a beard. I said I did not and they said, “We can’t use you” and hung up the phone.

 

I just sat there stunned.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

I Felt So Sorry For Him

I was walking along minding my own business and then I noticed something. If you are one of my Dear Readers, you already know that I’m a Noticer.

 

Actually this was a Hit-You-In-The-Face Notice. This college age boy was sitting on the curb with his feet in a muddy gutter crying uncontrollably. He looked so very distraught that I had to stop and see if I could help him.

 

I knelt down beside him and asked in my most concerned voice, “You look so unhappy. Is there anything I can do for you?”

 

He did not even look up as he responded, “No, you can’t help me because, with every fiber of my being, I wanted Herman Coznif to be my President and he only got one vote and that was my vote! This means he did not even vote for himself.”

 

He went on, “I don’t know how I will be able to go on not seeing him on the news shows every day making legendary and inspiring speeches, hearing him being quoted about and seeing him sign Executive Orders”.

 

Try as I might, and I tried my best, I could not console him. I decided I would have to leave him in his miserable state and I got up to walk away. I took a few steps and turned back and asked him, “How many Participation Trophies do you have?”

 

He answered back, “73. Why do you ask?”

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

I Remember Imelda & Muammar

Imelda Marcos was the First Lady of the Philippians for 21 years while her husband Ferdinand was the President of the Philippians. If you don’t know about Imelda Marcos and her supply of shoes...Google It!

If you have better things to do than Google “Imelda Marcos Shoes”, here is a tidbit I Googled for you...

Ø Imelda loved shoes!

Ø There is a museum dedicated to her shoes where 200 of her 1,200 pairs of shoes are on display for all to see, admire and envy.

Ø Her shoes were not necessarily very expensive but, when she bought shoes, she bought them in great quantity and she bought shoes often.

 

Some of her shoes...

 

Here is the entrance to her museum...

 

Here is the inside of the her museum...

 

Shoes were not her only extravagance...

Ø On one occasion, she spent $2,000 on chewing gum at the San Francisco International Airport.

Ø On another occasion, she forced a plane to do a U-Turn mid-air just because she forgot to buy cheese in Rome.

 

And then there was Muammar Kaddafi of Libya…

He may have had more Silly Hats than Imelda Marcos had cheap shoes.

 

Years ago, before Muammar Kaddafi was made dead I and the world were very worried about him. Not being one to just sit around and worry, I devised a plan to make him change his ways by cutting off his supply of Silly Hats...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you not now see why we would have had complete control over him, if only we had threatened to cut off his Supply of Silly Hats? The man just loved Absurd and Silly Hats!

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Yea, I know that last one is not Muammar…Or is it?

The Question Is...Are You Done Yet?...Or Is It Have You Started Yet?

Let’s go back again to that fancy hotel I went to last month.

 

There I was eating my breakfast and minding my own business and I started Noticing...

Ø This 20s Something Father came back from the Breakfast Buffet Line with a plate of food that caught my Noticing Mechanism’s attention.

Ø What I noticed was the fact that Modern Father had a real big pile of food on his plate.

Ø Low & Behold (we used to say “Low & Behold” a lot when I was 20s Something Father’s age), he put his plate in front of his 6 Year-Old Son.

Ø He then went back to the Breakfast Buffet and shortly returned with a plate of food that was about the same size as his 6 Year-Old Son’s.

Ø While he was gone his 6 Year-Old Son paid hardly any attention to his Really Big Pile of Food but he devoted almost all his attention toward playing with his Action Figure.

Ø During the course of their meal 6 Year-Old Son played with his action figure, moved his pile of food around a bit and took a few nibbles every so often (actually he seemed to specialize more in the “So” than “Often”).

 

I have included a picture the 6 Year-Old’s Food Plate. You might have trouble discerning whether it is a Before or After Picture but I’ll give you a hint.

 

It is an After Picture. If you look closely, you can tell it is an After Picture because a nibble or two has been taken here and there.

 

Actually the Nibbles are not all Nibbles. Some of them are places where 6 Year-Old Child smashed his Action Figure head first into his food after it had leaped off the napkin holder.

 

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella