New and Improved … Or Is It?

Sun-Maid Girl Makeover Sparks Controversy
by Brett Michael Dykes
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
(Excerpts in bold italics below were taken from the larger article.)
“Naturally, the revamped look hasn't gone unnoticed, rankling both ends of the political spectrum. The blog for conservative magazine The Weekly Standard noted that the new Sun-Maid girl looks "as if Julia Roberts decided to don a red bonnet and start picking grapes," while the feminist website Jezebel.com remarked that it looks as if she's had “some implants.”

Though the new look for the raisin girl has been garnering attention of late, the changes to the 90-year-old icon were actually introduced three years ago.”
Old
New

Are there really people who sit around just waiting for something to get offended and/or agitated about?

Considering all the dastardly happenings that are happening every minute of every day, is this issue really important?

This story does make the Smartfella? wonder what have these watchdogs been up to for the last three years? As you read above, this terrible happening happened three years ago. You would think that when it did finally come to the watchdogs’ attention they might quietly have just fired the staffer responsible for uncovering such evil. Then they could have concentrated their full attention toward trying to get us excited about something really injurious to the fabric of America like Tiger Woods.

The Smartfella? is also in a quandary about another part of this story. How does one go about implanting implants in a drawn figure? Does one draw the drawn figure and then have it sent off to a hospital and have some highly specialized surgical team do the implanting?

I also wonder if the original Sun-Maid Girl is sitting on her shelf somewhere wishing Implant Technology had been around when she was first drawn 90 years ago.

Would I kid u?

The Smartfella? Just Got Back From New York City

Here is what caught my eye…
• Individual Walking…
o A significant number of people cannot walk the streets of NYC without earphones sticking in their ears.
o The rest of them cannot walk the streets without talking on their cell phones.
• Group Walking… All NYC residents live in apartments but they are not permitted to be in their apartments any more than six hours a day. By law they are required to walk up and down the streets the other eighteen hours.
• English Speaking Walkers… There are none.
• Multitasking… Some NYC residents have acquired the ability to talk on their cell phones and type on their computers at the same time.
• Corned Beef Sandwiches… $15.
• New York Times… $6 on Sundays.
• Waiter in Little Italy… I have been drinking Dark beers more than forty years. One of my favorite Dark beers is Heineken Dark. I asked my waiter if his establishment had Heineken Dark. He looked me right in my ignorant eyes and said, “Heineken does not make a Dark beer".
• Cabs… Every fifth car on NYC streets is not a cab.
• Airline Food… A single ginger tasting cracker.
• Pleasant Surprise… The people (except the above mentioned waiter) were friendly.
• Saddest Thing I Saw… Nine o’clock mass in a huge Catholic Church had somewhere between 40 & 50 people in it. You would think that, in a city of more than 19,000,000, people they could have scrapped up more than that.
• Fashion Trend Coming To Your Feet… You are going to love your feet! I saw numerous people wearing old fashioned looking tennis shoes (Converse/Keds) that were either bright Purple or bright Pink (men were wearing pink too).

Would I kid u?

GrandmaNearYou.com

I first did this Blog Posting in 2009. It is time for a redo.

It Is Also The Time of Year For THIs PARTICULAR Redo.

By way of this Foolishness…Or Is It? I am formally offering each of you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a Sure-Fire Money-Making New Venture aptly named...GrandmaNearYou.com. If you are one to quickly see a financially sound opportunity, you will be writing a check before you get to the end of this Foolish Blog Posting.

Back when my Mother used to visit us for various holidays, we flew her to wherever we were living at that time...Los Angeles or Detroit or Milwaukee or Detroit (again) or Atlanta or Los Angeles (again) or Atlanta (again).

Our family was always excited to see her, especially since she was sure to be carrying 5 pounds of my Grandfather’s Secret Recipe Italian Sausage and several jars of Ma Brown Kosher Dill Pickles (Since I left New Orleans in 1975 I have never found Ma’s Pickles).

The silly company which bought out the company that made Ma Brown's Kosher Dill Pickles quickly decided to take out the Spicy. 

Fella Comment: This proved it was a silly/stupid company. 

Fella Wonders: Fella wonders how much money the new silly/stupid company spent on Focus Groups trying to figure out why the New Pickles did not sell as well as the Old Pickles. 

Another Fella Comment: They should have asked me and saved all that Focus Group money because the Spicy was what made them better.

************

On one of these Grandma’s Coming To Visit visits, as my family and I sat waiting in the airport for her to deplane, I took note of all the Grandmas who were arriving from all over the United States who had flown in for the holiday. The idea for this Sure-Fire Money-Making New Venture hit me like a thunderbolt!

Why not use some of this computer technology we were now developing to locate a Grandma that is closer to where our family lives and bring this, more convenient, Grandma over for the holiday?

Our too-far-away Grandma would not go unappreciated. She certainly would be grabbed quickly by some local family looking to save a wad of money on airfare. We would certainly be glad to testify that she would be a delight to have over because we really liked having her around.

I am not being heartless because the Grandma that you had been intending to fly in, at great expense, would now very likely just have to go a few blocks to her new nearby Holiday Family. Other benefits for the Stay Near Home Grandmas are too numerous to list in their entirety but here are a few of the obvious ones…

• She would not have to pack and unpack her suitcases.
• She would not have to stop the newspaper.
• She would not have to stop the mail.
• She would not have to put the dog or cat in a kennel.
• She would not have to get herself to the airport.
• She would not have to suffer the humiliation of being frisked while that guy with the two-foot-long beard wearing a robe walked right by in his flip flops.
• She would not have to have to take off her shoes during the freaking frisking process.
• She would not have to sit in a cramped airplane for hours (because you were cheap and you did not buy her a first-class ticket).
• She would not have to eat airline snacks (they used to get actual food that Grandma would not have to eat).
• She would not have to be endangered by terrorists.
• She would not have to sleep on an unfamiliar bed and pillow while visiting.
• She would not have to fly back home and again be exposed to all the above airline persecutions.

Heaven knows there are a lot of American Males who would jump at the opportunity to have a different Mother-In-Law for a change.

Variety could also be added to your family’s holiday because your new Grandma would introduce your family to her own special cooking talents.

Again, computer technology could be used to make this a Win-Win Proposition for all involved by using computer technology to tailor make your conveniently located grandma. The form where you applied for your substitute Grandma would allow you to fine tune your replacement Grandma. You would be able to pick from one of the following:

• Black hair
• Brown hair
• Red hair
• Grey hair
• Blue hair

You would be able to specify a cooking specialty:

• Italian
• Mexican
• Spanish
• German
• Chinese

You would be able to select a nationality:

• Italian
• Mexican
• Spanish
• German
• Chinese
• Anything but French

The potential of this brilliant (if I do say so myself) idea is boundless! This may be your best chance to become one of the Filthy Rich.

************

Become a Charter Owner of GrandmasNearYou.com today! Don't let this opportunity pass you by! Send your check to:
GrandmaNearYou.com
c/o The Smartfella?
What A Deal, GA 30096

Dig deep! The bigger your check the bigger will be your percentage of ownership of GrandmaNearYou.com permitting you to become filthy sooner than other slower investors.

Would I kid you?

Smartfella

 

How Do “They” Know That?

We are constantly being barraged by “them” & their numbers. Who are “them”? Are “them” related to “they”?

What the heck am I talking about? I’m not sure. Hold on a moment and I will collect myself (whatever that means) and I’ll be back with you in a bit.

Pause … Pause … Pause

OK, I remembered what sent me into this tirade. I have been told by my radio that the following is fact…
In The Last Year 82,000,000 Americans Contemplated Suicide
I ask you, How Do “They” Know That?

“They” would probably give me the standard response, “Researchers” told us.

Who are Researchers? Are Researchers in any way related to “them” and “they”?

Did “they” ask 82,000,000 people if they had contemplated suicide?

Ok, I know what “they” did. “They” asked a smaller number and extrapolated that smaller number into a larger number…
• If “they” asked 39 people and 10 said they had contemplated suicide, this would be 25.625%.
• There are about 320,000,000 people in the country at this time.
• 320,000,000 times 25.625% equals 82,000,000 suicide contemplating people.
That’s it! That is how “they” got to their number. I should have known that “they” would not give us a bum steer (whatever that means).

If this satisfies your curiosity, you can consider the matter closed and I encourage you to go do something constructive with your time.

IF YOU ARE NOT A FOOTBALL TV WATCHER, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND, OR CARE, WHAT THE SMARTFELLA? IS TALKING ABOUT (I hope this is a first time you have not cared what the Smartfella? is talking about).

The other factor that must be taken into consideration is what universe of people “they” canvased with their suicide question. If “they” had asked New England Patriots football fans within an hour of the end of the Patriots game with the Colts last Sunday, “they” very well might have gotten 25.625% of them to say they had contemplated suicide within the last year (actually within the last hour).

What happened Sunday was the renounced, highly praised and never-makes-a-mistake coach of the Patriots, Bill Belichick, had just ended the titanic struggle by making one of the worst decisions in the entire history of football (pee wee, grammar school, flag, touch, YMCA, high school, college and professional). With only seconds more than two minutes left in the game and his team ahead by six points, Coach Belichick had called for his team to go for a first down on fourth down on their own 28 yard line. He forsook punting the ball and having the Colts start their possession somewhere around 60 to 70 yards away from the Patriot’s goal line. Belichick’s team did not make the first down by a football length. That gave one of the best offensive teams in football today, with maybe the best quarterback in the history of the game, a first down inside Belichick’s 30 yard line with 1:57 left on the clock. Four plays later with 13 seconds left in the game the Colts scored a touchdown and Belichick’s Patriots lost by 1 point.

The Smartfella? thinks that 25.625% was probably a low number of Patriot fans who were contemplating suicide in the aftermath of that bit of football stupidity. He also thinks that the wrong question might have been posed to the distraught fans. If “they” had asked, “Have you ever contemplated murder in the last year?”, they very likely would have come up with a much higher percentage.

Would I kid u?

Progress In Education?

In the AJC of 11/12/09 is an article on the front page that contains…
“For the first time in its history, the Georgia Department of Education this month will hand out grants for schools to pioneer the use of “handheld computing” to see if it engages students better than traditional book-and-paper methods.”

This makes the Smartfella? a bit nervous. I fear that blind faith in calculators may become a problem. If students do not understand numbers will they accept any answer that their calculators put out because the answer must be right because the calculator put it out? Allow me to belabor the point…
• Will the engineers of the future understand the inviolate principle of, Garbage In…Garbage Out? If they want to know what 5X5 is and they put in 5X55 and find their answer is 275, will they not become suspicious?
• Will the makers of the calculators have no understanding of numbers and, therefore, come up with machines that punch out bad results all the time and really screw things up for everyone?
• Will the rocket scientists of the future send rockets to Mars but end up blowing up downtown Albuquerque?
• Will the students of the future be taking their final exams and try to find the answer of 558X863 but come up with an answer of 17 say to themselves, “Boy, this is not gonna take any time at all. If all the answers are this short, I’m going to be sitting in the coffee shop, drinking my latte and texting in no time at all!”

Since this is the bottom of this Foolishness, the Bottom Line is…I hope the Georgia Department of Education teaches our modern students some Arithmetic.

Would I kid u?

Sure Way To Reduce Crime

The State of Georgia has decided to ban smoking in its Correctional System (formerly known as Prison System … also formerly known as Da Jail House).

This has gotten the Smartfella? into some deep thinking and that is always an interesting few moments in the Smartfella’s? day. He has come up with a plan that is sure to reduce crime in the good ole USofA.

Step 1 … Get a billion or so dollars from the federal government to run a television advertising campaign to encourage criminals to take up smoking … Real Heavy Smoking. The campaign would look something like this…
• Thinking about robbing a bank? This is not a project that should be executed without careful planning of every devious detail. This is important. Make sure you take the time to properly plan your venture by having a few packs of cigarettes with all your buddies at the Bank Robbery Planning Meetings.
• Working hard at accumulating ill gotten gains for your retirement but feeling the strain of the everyday pressures of sneaking around and staying undercover? You need some time to yourself. You need a friend. You need a cigarette.
Step 2 … Once the bad guys are good and hooked on cigarettes they will think long and hard about continuing to ply their trade for fear of being incarcerated for many years without being able to light up a good smoke. They will be very apprehensive about having to walk that last mile without a Camel.

There is always the possibility that a large number of would-be criminals all at once giving up their chosen profession will be a glut on the law-abiding labor force but we will have to address that thorny issue when and if it happens. The Smartfella? can’t solve all the world’s problems in a single Foolishness…Or Is It? posting.

Having to come up with solutions for all of the world’s ills really puts a lot of pressure on me. It would be a lot easier if I smoked.

Would I kid u?

This One Is Serious!

This is a serious Foolishness…Or Is It? about down right serious foolishness, seriously.

What if … I came to you and asked for a major ongoing donation to me personally that I would use to pay for the college education of gifted students who would otherwise never be able to go to college without my funneling them the funds you generously donate to them through me?

What if … You found out after ten years of your continuing sacrifice on behalf of these very worthy students that I had been using your donations to preserve the habitat for giraffes in Africa? Would you be mad?

Sure you would be mad. You would probably say to me, “If you wanted me to donate my money to preserve the habitat for giraffes, you should have asked me for donations for giraffes. I may have given the money for the giraffes and I may not have given you the money for the giraffes but that ought to have been my decision.”

It is not a successful argument that the poor giraffes needed help. What is pertinent is it is your money and my asking for it for one specific purpose and using it for another specific purpose is misappropriation of your money.

This kind of thing has been going on for an awful long time in our local, state and federal governments. How long I don’t know. Did it start in George Washington’s first term? I like to think not but it well may have.

Did it start in the current federal government administration? It absolutely did not.

It is part of how we do things and how we do things is awfully wrong.

Want a current and continuing example from the State of Georgia? …
In today’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution there is an article about how Georgia uses our “Trust Fund” monies. The article tells us …
“Lawmakers also created a Solid Waste Trust in 1992 to clean up scrap tire dumps, improve and expand solid waste collection and recycling, and eliminate open dumps on roadsides and along streams. Georgians shell out an additional $1 for each new tire they buy to pay for that effort.

In 2009, the fees brought in more than $16.38 million, but only $1.4 million will go toward cleanups.”

Did the paper find the only possible example of this kind of redirection of our taxes? You can bet there are hundreds or thousands of such examples but here are two more…
1) Hazardous Waste Trust Fund … $15,960,000 collected & $3,200,000 to be spent on Hazardous Waste.
2) Brain, Spinal Injury Trust Fund … $1,900,000 collected & $97,396 to be spent on Brain & Spinal Injuries.

Very appropriately the article says we need to put Trust back into Trust Funds.

Did I make all this up? Not this time. Go to … http://www.ajc.com/news/misused-fees-lead-state-189810.html and read all about it.

Would I kid u?

The King Still Lives!

Listening to the election coverage Tuesday night and during one stretch, where I was not asleep, I heard a Talking Head make a slip of the tongue ... Or did she?

‘The results are in. Voters in (umpty ump) congressional district have chosen to be ruled by (Democrats/Republicans) for the next four years’.

It is not important which district it was, nor which party it was, the operative word is “ruled”.

I always thought we chose our Governmental Representation not our Rulers.

And I thought I knew what was going on.

Would I kid u?

Nelson Is Dead and Happy Is Out There Somewhere

I am old fashioned. I like the old days as exemplified by when Nelson Rockefeller got divorced and married Margaretta Large Fitler Murphy (otherwise known as Happy). By doing this divorce thing it is generally agreed that he ruined his chance to become a presidential candidate in 1964.

That was then and this is now … shucks. Now I have to listen to a talking head on TV saying that she admired the manner in which David Letterman handled his “situation”.

In Nelson and Happy’s day, David and his career as a late night entertainer would have been ruined. Now we have people saying they admire him and his manner handling.

Exactly what there is to admire about him and his manner handling is beyond old fashioned me. Does this speaking head “admire”…
 That he had his affairs with women that he had power over?
 That he had repeated affairs with various different women?
 That he made lots of jokes about his affairs and his women on his show?

Well the Smartfella? will get the last laugh when he sees David’s ratings fall like a rock. What’s that you say? You say his ratings are UP since he came “clean”? Can that possibly be?

I am so old fashioned that I am not Happy for David. I am surprised that David’s ratings are up. My being surprised proves how old fashioned I am.

Would I kid u?

I Have Not Been Notified, As Of Yet

I recently read an article that had a quote in it as follows…
“Some of these now-aging men believe they can improve their chances of getting government pensions and mental health care”.

Did you catch the phrase that triggered this Foolishness…Or Is It? posting?

If you zeroed in on “now-aging”, you are on the mark!

This phrase started the Smartfella? wondering about when is it that we begin to age. Silly me, I always thought that process was pretty automatic and started as soon as we were born. Guess I was wrong.

Now that I know that I have been wrong all these years it seems to me that there must be some kind of notification from a governmental agency to tell us that the Aging Process has started.

This is important stuff. It would not seem proper that the Aging Process would start unbeknownst to us. We ought to be properly informed of what is about to happen to us. We should have to sign a formal Receipt of Aging Notification.

Armed with this knowledge, is it possible to beat the system? Could we not prevent the Aging Process from putting its unwelcome hitch in our get-along? ...
•If it is done by the US Postal Service, can we move and not give a forwarding address?
•If it is done by Email, could we not find out the governmental agency that sends the emails and put a block into our Email Options to keep the bad news from getting to us?
•If it is done by Twitter, could we not … Hold on a minute! I think there must be a Federal Law that forbids using a Tweet to convey such a momentous life-changing message. All of you Twits out there reading this, don’t you worry none about your Tweets.

This Foolishness…Or Is It? has been the most difficult one for me to put together. This is very unsettling to me. My Foolishnesses usually flows from my fingers tips easily. Is it possible that my Aging Process has already started and there really is no Federal Government Notification Mechanism in place? If that be the case, it just does not seem fair.

Would I kid u?

Mr. Anonymous Now Has the Rule of Law On His Side

Back in April I published a Foolishness...Or Is It? about that guy Anonymous. I have cut and pasted the link to that piece at the end of this posting. You might want to go back and read it all over again because I have been told by thousands of you that reading my past foolishness over and over is a delightful way to while away the hours. (OK, maybe I have not been told the prior statement by anyone. However, in the mode of darn near any member of our present Congress ... If I had been told what I just said I was told, then I would have been told what I was not told.)

Back to Subject of this posting about why Mr. Anonymous now has the Rule of Law on his side...
In today's Atlanta Journal-Constitution on page A4 in the very left column at the very bottom there is the following wording "...said a spokesman for Brazil's civil aviation authority, who spoke on condition of anonymity in keeping with policy". (I added the bold lettering.)

There you have it. The Mr. Anonymoui of the future are a protected class. They are part of our national fabric. Don't you feel better? I know I do.

Would I kid u?

The link to the original Mr. Anonymous piece is below...
http://forii.blogtownhall.com/2009/04/24/anonymous%e2%80%a6without_this_guy_we_would_not_know_anything.thtml

Am I That Smart?

Recently I read that people purported to be a lot smarter that the Smartfella? came out with some very startling news about evolution.

I say startling because they really seemed to be excited about their “discovery”.

I say “discovery” because that’s what they called it and they are a lot smarter than I am … Or are they?

This is what had them all in a tizzy (whatever that is)…

Monkey Primates of today and the Human Primates of today

evolved on two different evolutionary paths.

These are the times when I really begin to believe that I know what I am talking about. It seems pretty elementary to me…
• Today there are Humans.
• Today there are Monkeys.

Does not that seem like the end of the argument? Should it even be called an “argument”? What is there to argue about? If there were not two separate and distinct evolutionary paths involved in this evolvement, we would have 535 Humkeys making laws for us in Congress. That would be terrible! … Or would it?

Would I kid u?

What’s Up With Names?

Many in our society (but not the Smartfella?) are infatuated with what we name ourselves. A “mature” adult who changes his name to “Bow Wow” (I did not make this one up) bears his own responsibility for being laughed at. The sad part is we are not laughing. We say things like, “Dat’s cool”, “Whatever floats your boat”, “Everyone is entitled to do their own thing”.

What is even worse is modern “mature” adults are naming their newborn offspring using name creation thinking that results in some strange monikers…

• Taking well-known names and misspelling them and coming up with…
  o Regena instead of Regina.
  o Dawnn instead of Dawn.
  o Martellus instead of Marcellus.
  o Billye instead of Billy.
  o Parisa instead of Paris.
• Some geniuses have taken to inserting an Apostrophe in the middle of names and coming up with the likes of, “Nu’Keese”.
• We also have the holdover from ancient times where we try to keep alive Roman Names and come up with such gems as, “DeQuayvious”.
• Many years ago President Reagan put his tongue into his cheek and wrote a commentary about the phenomena developing at the time for hyphenating names by combining the bride and the groom’s names into one name. He noted that if this practice were to go on through just a few generations we might end up with…
  o John Smith-Halloran-Schwamm-Morningside-Lacarelli-Sherman-Bukowski-Krenwinkle-Roget.
  o Can you imagine the difficulty this would present to John Madden if John Hyphenating was a running back for the Chicago Bears?
• I read an article a few years ago that told me that people were naming their children after automobiles. A quote from this article is shown below…
  o “There are kids named after cars: Corvette, Acura, Camry, Celica and Infiniti.”
  

It will be a sure sign that a modern mother-to-be went into labor in Walgreen’s Drug Store if you see “Neutrogena” on her little fellow’s soccer shirt.

Would I kid u?

Second Place Is No Place

We are constantly hearing about milestones that report when the first of anything does anything ... first.

Categories of firsters usually involve ... Gender, Nationality, Gender combined with Nationality, Inventors and, of course, Sports Figures (usually called “heroes”).

As a society we pay no attention to the second of anything that does anything about anything. I am pecking out this foolishness to call your attention to the biggest overlooked second in the history of mankind (now called “personkind”).

We are always giving magnamunious (don’t bother looking that one up) praise to the Person Who Invented the Wheel. I agree this was a tremendous leap forward in human development but what about the Person Who Invented the Second Wheel?

That individual was history’s first Rodney Dangerfield before Rodney Dangerfield was Rodney Dangerfield ... Gets No Respect At All.

Would I kid u?

All Is Well ... The Dow Jones Industrial Average Is Over 10,000 Again!

The Dow will never fall below 10,000 ... Or will it?

Most of the time the Smartfella? says when someone tells him something worth knowing, “I knew that”.

He has never been overheard to say, “That’s news to me”.

However, there is one thing that has always puzzled me. It’s the closing of the New York Stock Exchange each and every day.

If the Stock Market has gone up dramatically that particular day, there is this overhang that looks out at the exchangers who have just finished exchanging and there is a group of people standing in the overhang that are applauding and smiling and smiling and applauding. They look really happy!

On those days when the Stock Market has fallen like a heavy rock, there is another group of people standing on the overhang and they are applauding and smiling and smiling and applauding. They look really happy!

This does not seem to make sense to the Smartfella?. Why are they happy when the Stock Market goes up and are just as happy when the Stock Market goes down? On those horrible down days do they not understand that fortunes have just been lost? Do they not see that lives have just been ruined? Do they not comprehend that in the next several hours a number of recently-used-to-be-rich Americans will be jumping out of tall buildings all over the country?

Maybe that is it! The people applauding on those crash days are the people who rent window space to that day’s jumpers. The used-to-be-rich are desperate to end it all and the Jumpers R Us Industry is always ready to serve. They advertise, “Space is limited. Take a number. Have a donut on us. We promise to move you through as quickly as possible”.

Would I kid u?

The Smartfella? Is Spending Lots of Time in an Ongoing State of Confusion

I used to know and understand the world around me. Now I feel like Sergeant Shultz on Hogan’s Heroes ... “I know nothing!” (I wonder how many out there reading this never heard of Sergeant Shultz and/or Hogan’s Heroes?)

Here is the latest change I don’t understand courtesy of our modern news media...

I used to read things like this in the newspaper:
“What’s Her Name had a child as a result of an adulterous relationship with What’s His Name”.

Now I am reading things like this in the newspaper:
“What’s Her Name produced a child through an encounter with What’s His Name”.

“Adulterous Relationship” I understand but “Encounter” somehow seems different.

To me an encounter is like when you accidently bump into someone on a bus and you say, “Excuse me”. Come to think of it Excuse Me is out also. Now we say, “Get outta my way!”

Oh well, that’s Progress ... Or Is It?

Would I kid u?

Can Your Mind’s Eye See?

This is Sight Foolishness. To enjoy the full impact of this bit of Foolishness you must be able to picture these images in your mind’s eye. If you can’t picture images in your head, do not read any further.

First, the Smartfella? must set the stage…

• I am old fashioned.
• I believe that we show respect for places we go by the way we dress.
• To go to church on Sunday dressed like we just came out of the field after picking cotton or just back from toting that barge and lifting that bale is not proper.

I understand that I have just lost more of my dear readers because some of you are now mad at me for attacking the way you dress for church. Oh well, I accept this because that’s the way it is in the glaring spotlight of public opinion.

Those of you still with me please read on.

Since I am sure that God in heaven shares my dislike for Beach/Garden Wear in his church, here is what I find my mind’s eye picturing as I sit there on Sunday watching my fellow parishioners walk up to communion in blue jeans, shorts and thongs…

• All of a sudden all males wearing blue jeans, shorts and thongs are no longer attired in blue jeans, shorts and thongs but are in white boxer underwear, with the word “Alleluia” printed all over them and wearing very loud wooden Dutch shoes that are 3 sizes too big for their feet.
• Since the Smartfella? does not do risqué and picturing women in their underwear in church would be risqué , I do not have the same picture of the females.
• I picture the females walking up and all of a sudden there are flower pots on top of their heads with one large yellow daisy growing out of the pot and held onto their heads by an elastic strap under their chins and, of course, the very loud wooden Dutch shoes that are 3 sizes too big for their feet.

Ah yes, this just might be the biggest miracle since the Loaves and the Fishes!

What? You say you can’t picture my pictures. I feel sorry for your mind’s eye.

Would I kid u?

Miss Manners & Gentle Reader Wrote Most of This One

The Smartfella? gets concerned about lots of foolish issues but he is unable to understand how this “problem” amounts to anything more than Miscellaneous Trivia…

Question to the newspaper column starring Miss Manners:
So my question is twofold: One, just how wrong have I been, lo these many years, eating all sorts of soups with a round-bowled spoon? I really do vastly prefer these to the big oval spoons. And two, if I can find some round-bowled soup spoons, how tacky would it be for them to not match my new stainless? I am aware that it's quite all right to mix silver patterns, but everyday stainless is hardly so exalted.

Answer from Miss Manners:
Gentle Reader: The good news is that you may mix patterns. The bad news confirms what you already know: that soup eaten from a bowl requires round spoons (although these should not be confused with the smaller round bouillon spoons used to eat bouillon from a two-handled soup cup).
Taking your word for it that round-bowled stainless steel spoons do not exist, Miss Manners recommends exhausting yourself by trying to track down soup plates, rather than bowls, that go with your china or pottery.

Wise Guy Comments from Smartfella?:

Dear Gentle Reader and Miss Manners: The two of you should spend your time getting into some really weighty issues that would be of benefit to all mankind like…
Is permissible to throw my cigar butts into my wife’s flower garden?

Would I kid u?

This Is Going Too Far!

Recently there was a Terrorist Plot uncovered in New York City. At first you might find yourself saying to yourself, “Self, why is the Smartfella? bothering me with this? This happens all the time. Has he not got better things to get foolish about?”

Actually I hope you don’t have the above mentioned attitude. Just because we are doing a good job of stopping them from blowing us up does not mean that we ought to stop paying attention and assume that we will always be unblownup. I could say what I said in the prior sentence but I won’t because that belongs in a Blog called Seriuosness…Or Is It? and the Smartfella? does not do Serious.

Back to the terrorists…It seems that the defense attorneys are claiming Entrapment. The Smartfella? thinks they have a firm basis on which to make that contention. Here is a quote from the news article…
“The defendants’ lawyers demanded on Thursday in federal court that prosecutors turn over evidence. Among those mentioned were checks of up to $25,000, gifts to the men’s families and an open credit line at a fried chicken store.”

The money I see as a nice neat entrapment. Gifts are right up there with money. The Smartfella? accepts these two as fine police work but Fried Chicken?! That is dirty pool, that is dealing from the bottom of the deck and certainly that is hitting below the belt! It appears our law enforcement officials have gone beyond the pale (whatever that means).

I think these guys just might get away with their dastardly deed once they get into our crack Judicial System and receive their fair trial.

Would I kid u?

We Are Going To Have To Crank It Up, Hazel

Once upon a time there was a small businessman who had a small business in his garage. He was a tinker. He tinkered in lots of different areas. He loved his small business, made small money and his wife Hazel brought him a big sandwich every day at lunch time.

During the course of his tinkering, he invented that Orange and White Plastic Roadside Construction Warning Barrel. I am, of course, referring to the Orange and White Barrels that we see along our roadsides wherever there is road construction going on.

Our little businessman enjoyed his work and he enjoyed the pace at which he worked. He made about seven and a half barrels each day. Any day he got his output up to eight barrels he felt extremely satisfied with himself.

One day he was tinkering away on his third barrel when the mailman came with a delivery that was much larger than the usual amount of mail. Once he started opening his mail, he found himself equal parts shocked and delighted. His ship had come in!

What had happened was that the Planet Earth had discovered his Orange and White Plastic Roadside Construction Warning Barrel. When he had finished opening his mail, he realized that he had received orders for 17.75 billion barrels!

As the size of his good fortune was sinking in, his wife came in with his lunch. Without even looking up he said, “Hazel, looks like expenses are going to go up. We have to call your brother back from layoff.”

Would I kid u?