What Could Be More Fun Than Losing Weight?

There once was a time when Losing Weight was all about Deprivation, Sacrifice and Sweat. You had to Bite the Bullet.

 

Now the diet plans that we see on TV are all shouting at us about...

Ø How easy it is to lose weight.

Ø We hardly have to pay any attention to our efforts to lose weight and we will lose weight.

Ø It’s almost free because they give us vast quantities of their losing weight food at no cost.

Ø We don’t have to count calories.

Ø We don’t have to measure anything.

Ø We don’t have to go to meetings.

Ø We are required to eat lots of food (provided we eat the Diet Plan’s Food).

Ø We can eat up to 6 times a day (provided we eat the Diet Plan’s Food).

Ø If it were not for the fact that we have to sleep some, we could eat more than 6 times a day (provided we eat the Diet Plan’s Food) and lose even more weight.

 

Yesterday I was at the track jogging and that beautiful lady (who used to be fat and used to be a kid and used to sing with her brothers) was on the other side of the fence that surrounds the track shouting at me. She was shouting, “Stop that! Are you seriously thinking that exercise will make you lose weight? Go home and eat my Diet Plan’s Food!”

 

I think she would have jumped the fence (she could not do that when she was fat) and come at me, if it were not for the fact that she was afraid that just being on the track surface would cause her to gain weight.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: The latest fad diet out there is the Floss and Spit Diet. It is really simple. All you do is spit out the food you get from between your teeth from flossing rather than swallowing it.

I apologize for this bit of silliness. I admit I made this one up...Or did I?

I Know You Are Very Sick And I Will Open Your Head Shortly But Right Now I Am Busy Doing A Lot Of Unimportant Things

As many as 1 out of every 3 students at some elite U.S. colleges are now classified as Disabled, largely because of mental-health issues such as depression or anxiety, entitling them to a widening array of special accommodations.

 

The rise in Disability Exemptions for mental-health issues has led to Special Treatment and Exception to Rules such as...

Ø A surge in the number of students who take their exams in low-distraction testing centers.

Ø Are allowed to get up and walk around the classroom during class.

Ø Bring a comfort animal to school.

Ø Allowed longer time to take exams.

 

The number of Disabled Students being given Special Treatment because they are now Classified Disabled is expanding dramatically...

Ø At Hampshire, Amherst and Smith Colleges and Yeshiva University it is 20%.

Ø Pomona is now 22% (up from 5% in 2014).

Ø At Oberlin College it is 25%.

Ø At Marlboro College it is 33%.

 

The most common accommodations come during testing. Students who receive extended time may get twice as long as their classmates to take an exam.

 

A Double-Major Student in Chemistry and Math at Amherst who will graduate this year with a B+ average was given 50% more time than her classmates on exams because she was diagnosed with Reading-Comprehension Difficulties and Attention Deficit Disorder.

 

The University of Minnesota has a Test Center for students entitled to Low-Distraction Environments or Extended Time on Exams...

Ø The Center administered 9,681 tests last year, nearly double the number in 2013.

Ø This growth has forced staff to give up their offices during finals to make room for students.

Ø This past year, the school rented out an additional 10,000 square feet of space in a nearby hotel.

 

The University of Kentucky has a Disability Resource Center that is experiencing a dramatic increase in requests for Private Room Testing...

Ø In 2016-17 it administered 7,827 such tests. This is up from 853 in 2007-08.

Ø A dozen students at a time take finals inside cubicles in a room with carpeted floors and dim lights.

Ø Blue painter’s tape covered door latches so they open and close silently.

Ø Students who are being tested on computers each sit in a private room so the clickety-clack of their keyboards won’t disturb other students.

------------------------

Are you ready for my Foolishness? ... Or is it?

A Specially Accommodated during Brain School Brain Surgeon is preparing for a Big Operation on James Carville (the Mouth of the South) but there is a delay...

Ø He has adjusted the lighting from Operating Room Bright Bright down to Soft and Soothing Dim.

Ø He has placed his Blue Painter’s Tape on the Operating Room Door where the latch would be if the door had a latch (he did it just in case there were a latch where there is not a latch).

Ø He has inserted and adjusted his Operating Room Soothing Music Head Phones.

Ø He has done his Operating Room Warm-Up Exercises.

Ø He has placed in perfect position his Cushioned Operating Room Floor Mat.

Ø He has sharpened all his Cutting Thingies on his Ginsu Deluxe Sharpener (as seen on TV).

 

Finally, he asked Mr. Carville to sign an Extension to Normal Time of Operation Form in case he has to take as much as twice as long to perform the operation as would be the case for a Surgeon Who Is Not Accustomed To Extra Time. He explains he learned in Brain School that being rushed is not a good thing.

 

Remember when the Gulf Oil Spill was happening in the Gulf of Mexico? Remember what James Carville shouted to President Obama? You don’t? Let me help you remember...

Click Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lO1lO1CVkTE

 

James Carville has been patiently waiting on the operating room table but he is now about to burst a blood vessel. He shouts at his Adjusting Everything Doctor...“I’m About to Die Down Here!” but his doctor did not hear him because he was too busy adjusting things.

 

Yes, my dear readers, the Ragin Cajun is in deep trouble.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

You Are Gonna Trip And Fall

Some things I don’t understand and that bothers me. At present I am perplexed by Shoe Laces.

 

I see people all the time walking around with their Shoe Laces Untied. I asked the first 192 of these walkers why were their Shoe Laces Untied and every single one of them looked at me like I was stupid and gave me the same answer, “Because It’s Cool”.

 

OK, I understand Cool (or is the Kool?) but it’s a little fuzzy in my mind because I stopped being Cool in 1972. Every time I see one of these Cool Shoe Laces Untied Walking People I think of the danger they are in. My Aunt Sarah told me to tie my shoelaces in 1949 and I never forgot her words of warning to me, “You are gonna trip and fall”.

 

Most of the world never had the good fortune of meeting my Aunt Sarah and, if she were still with us, she would be kept real busy warning people who don’t need to be warned and are not really in danger because the Shoe Makers in the Good Ole USofA today are making sneakers that have decorative cool shoelaces that cannot be tied.

 

This whole bit of lace confusion hit me this morning because I was looking through WSJ. Magazine at an article about Roger Federer. On page 86 is a fashionable picture of him sitting on a chair. I know it is fashionable because WSJ. Magazine told me...

• His Gucci Jacket costs $1,360.
• His Nike Track Pants costs $85.
• His Nike Sneakers costs $90.

Allow me to digress here. I don’t want you to think that I made a typing mistake twice in the above paragraph when I pecked out “WSJ.”. The period after “WSJ” is meant to be there because, for some unknown reason, the Wall Street Journal (that’s where the “WSJ” comes from) wants it to be there.

 

Now that I have digressed my mind has started to wander. I just wandered into the future and I saw where there will come a time where Shoe Laces will be Invisible. The question I am asking myself is, once shoe laces become invisible and the laces are left untied but unseen...

Will the Cool Shoe Laces Untied Walking People still be Cool?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I bet, if Roger had known his Sneakers and Pants were so cheap, he would have refused to sit for WSJ. Magazine.

 

Did You Forget That I Can See The Future?

Starbucks is into falling all over itself about things like Exclusion, Discrimination and even Unintended Discrimination (whatever that is). Yesterday they fixed all their problems about all of these issues by closing all their stores, retaining themselves and starting over.

 

When I awoke this morning the Future of Starbucks appeared before me in as bright a vision as any that Fella has ever had. Sometimes I wish I did not have this ability to see what’s coming. It can be rather frightening.

 

Here is what I foresee...

 

Many of their stores, especially in urban areas, are going to become havens for homeless people. Here is what is going to be happening as a result of their dramatic push to become the Good Ole USofA’s New Third Place Between Home and Work. (Don’t laugh at me. These are their words, not mine.)

 

I see a News Reporter going into a Starbucks Third Place Between Home and Work to check on how that particular store is handling the actual implementation of the Starbucks’ Lofty Vision. The store manager is showing him around and this is what happens...

Ø Reporter: Who is that guy sleeping in the shopping cart that’s blocking that door over there?

Ø Manager: That’s Cedric. He is a regular Non-Paying Customer of ours. He is studying for his Masters Degree in Shopping Cart Living in America.

Ø Reporter: Do you always let him block the door like that?

Ø Manager: Yes we do. He says he likes fact that he is out of the sun in that location and being out of the sun helps his concentration. We try to accommodate the little quirks of all our Non-Paying Customers. We do have another door over there. You probably did not see it because of the bright sunshine on that side of the store.

 

The Reporter accepts this explanation and moves on...

Ø Reporter: What about that guy under that table over there? Luckily no one is sitting at that particular table. Strangely enough he has his eyes open and is twitching, what’s with him?

Ø Manager: Ah yes, that Igor. He’s in here every day working on how to resolve the Middle-East Situation. He says he does his best when he sleeps with his eye open like that. He has told us, when he is making great progress, he twitches even more than he is twitching at this moment. It is strange how no one ever sits at the table he is sleeping and twitching under.

 

The Reporter then turns his attention to the line to the Rest Rooms...

Ø Reporter: Even though you do not have a lot of customers, it seems that the line to the Rest Rooms never gets shorter. What’s the problem?

Ø Manager: Yes I know it is a little slow moving but that’s because we can only use one of our two Rest Rooms. Sarah has set up her office in the other Rest Room. She hardly ever comes out. We don’t know what she is working on but we have every confidence whatever it is it is important and will benefit us all.

 

The Reporter looks confused but he moves on by asking, “How’s business?”

 

The Manager responds that it has not been good for quite awhile and confides that Starbucks will be closing this location next week because, even though they have a steady flow of Non-Paying Customers, they have noticed that the Paying Customers are few and far between but, for some unknown reason, they are going to the Dunkin Donuts across the street.

 

The Manager finishes up the interview by saying how sad it will be to close his store but he has been reassured by Starbucks Upper Management as to how proud they are of him and all of his efforts to establish his store as one of America’s New Third Places Between Home And Work.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

 

My Visit To A Fast Food Restaurant

Normally I do not eat in Fast Food Restaurants. It’s not that I am opposed to their delicious fast food. It’s just that I am of a mindset that the delicious fast food they serve will kill me sooner than I should be killed. What I mean is, I don’t want my demise reported in the newspaper as Pre-Mature Death…aka: Fast Food Death.

 

The above paragraph has depressed me. I am not going to go back and read it again. If I made any grammatical errors, they will have to remain as pecked.

------------------------

I just heard you say to yourself, “Self, if Fella is so opposed to Fast Food Restaurants, why did he go into one?”

 

As the interviewee says in modern day interviews (when he is asked a question he does not want to answer and really wants to get down off of his soap box and punch the questioner in his nose), “That’s an excellent question!”

 

My answer is simple…I wanted to see for myself if their sandwiches are really as big as the sandwiches shown in their TV Commercials.

 

All of us know the answer to that question…They ought to be put in jail for showing those Gargantuan TV Sandwiches.

------------------------

It all started to go wrong when I was approaching the door to my local Jumbo in the Box Fast Food Restaurant. I saw this little old lady approaching from the other side of the door. I was clearly ahead of her and could have made it safely inside while she was still about 5 feet from the door but my Southern Upbringing got the better of me and I paused, waited and held the door so she and her two handbags could go in ahead of me. (As it turned out, this politeness on my part was to prove that the Smartfella can be really dumb sometimes.)

 

Did you take note that I said in the above paragraph, “Her Two Handbags”? Please allow me to explain the Two Handbags. As I waited patiently in line behind her here is what I learned about the Two Handbags…

Ø The Two Handbags were of different sizes.

Ø One was much larger than the other one.

Ø One Handbag contained: her Money Wallet, a separate Wallet for her different IDs, her Pepper Spray, her Umbrella, her Folding Chair, her 3 Pairs of Sunglasses, her Smartphone, 2 Scarf’s, her Pill Box, her Theatre Binoculars, her Galoshes, her Yoga Outfit, her Reading Glasses, her Lipstick, a Pair of Sneakers, her Concealed Carry and a Cute Little Chihuahua . 

Ø The Second Handbag contained her Coupons.

 

The Coupon Handbag was the bigger of the two handbags!

------------------------

She proceeded to take all her coupons out and spread them on the counter…

Ø I could see that some of her coupons were out of date.

Ø For example, she had an Early Bird Arrival Discount Coupon to the Premiere of Gone with the Wind (1939).

Ø She asked the cashier to help her determine which ones were out of date.

Ø The cashier plunged right in to help her.

Ø Once they determined which coupons were out of date, she put them back into her Coupon Handbag for future pulling out of her Handbag.

Ø As they figured out which were still valid for the Jumbo in the Box Fast Food Restaurant, she put them into a separate stack.

Ø She had everything in her smaller handbag except a scissors.

Ø This meant it was a slow process for her to tear out her good for today coupon.

Ø Once she had her coupon in hand, she stuffed all the remaining coupons back into her handbag and proceeded to pay her tab with coins.

 

This whole process took about 15 minutes.

------------------------

I know you think I exaggerated some of this experience. I admit I am guilty. She only had 2 pairs of sunglasses in her smaller handbag not 3.

 

I apologize for my exaggeration. Sometimes I can’t help myself.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Be Careful What You Say. She Is Listening To You.

There are now reports that Amazon Alexa is doing more than answering our questions about tomorrow’s weather forecast. There is at least one report of her listening to a home conversation and then sending that thought-to-be-private conversation to someone else.

 

Think about how history could have been changed if Alexa had been around to change history...

• Adolph Hitler is taking a nap on his office couch when Herman Goering comes rushing in and shouts, “Herr Hitler, Alexa just told me that Eisenhower has chosen Normandy for the Allied Invasion of Europe. He will be landing in 3 days. What do you say we divert all our Forces to Normandy and give Ike a real German Welcome to Europe Party?”
• Jonas Salk is famous for inventing the Salk Polio Vaccine. If Alexa had been around in 1952 things could have really been different. One day Dr. Salk was sitting on his porch and he told his next door neighbor the exact formula for his miracle life-saving vaccine and, within weeks, the world was reaping the benefits of the Snidley Whiplash Polio Vaccine.
• Public Enemy #1, John Dillinger, could have had a nice walk to the soda shop after the movie on July 22, 1934 if it had not been for Alexa. Alexa overheard John tell his best friend, Butch The Strangler Orzanski, “I just can’t wait to see Manhattan Melodrama staring Clark Gable at the Biograph Theatre tonight at 8:30”. Alexa notified Melvin Purvis of FBI fame and, after the movie, John was killed by a bullet that entered through the back of his neck, which severed the spinal cord, passed into his brain and exited just under his right eye.
  
  

Fella Notes of Interest...

• Today a signed photo of Jonas Salk is for sale on the Internet for $275.
• Even 84 years after his death, an unsigned photo of John Dillinger’s death scene is for sale on the Internet $855.
• A whole bunch of bystanders soaked up Johnny’s blood into their skirts and handkerchiefs. I could not find a selling price for any of those items on the Internet.
• I did find where a $1 bill stained with Dillinger’s blood from the night of his death has sold for $14,340 at Heritage Auctions.
• Dillinger's body was available for public display at the County Morgue for a day and a half. An estimated 15,000 people dropped by to view his corpse.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

We Don’t Want Your Money!

The National Geographic Society has long contended...

“It is Settled Geography that, no matter from where you start on Planet Earth, New Zealand is a long way away”.

 

After bringing up this fact, I pose this question...

That being the case, why are gaggles of tourist flocking to go walk around New Zealand?

 

The simple answer is...

Because they have a burning desire to walk where all those things did not happen.

 

Now that I have explained why, I can see by the look on your faces that you are confused. Please allow me to help you understand.

------------------------

This is the first three paragraphs of an article in the Wall Street Journal about the Invasion of Flip-Flopping Footed Tourist in New Zealand...

“QUEENSTOWN, New Zealand—Towering mountain ranges, forests and glacier-fed rivers made New Zealand the perfect stand-in for Middle Earth in “The Lord of the Rings” movie series and a cinematic billboard for the country’s natural beauty.

 

Today, jet boats rip down rivers seeking the mythical Isengard, where the wizard Gandalf was imprisoned. “Freedom campers” in rented vans leave trails of waste. Tens of thousands of helicopter trips annually deposit visitors, some in flip-flops, on New Zealand glaciers that were once the realm of expert climbers.

 

One tour group had to be rescued after trying to walk barefoot to Mount Ngauruhoe, in apparent homage to J.R.R. Tolkien’s Mount Doom.”

------------------------

Time for Fella to come clean... I do not know diddly squat about the Lord of the Rings Movie Series. I have never read J.R.R. Tolkien’s books and have seen only small pieces of his highly-acclaimed movies.

This may place me in the small group of people who have not read or seen his stuff but I intend to persist in my “ignorance” because I have been told that J.R.R. Tolkien’s has not read any of my Foolishness and I have no movies for him not to have seen.

The more important point is, J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings series is a work of fiction! It did not happen! I find it silly that so many people want to go stand in the exact spot where something never was.

------------------------

All of this Foolishness should not surprise me because years ago on a trip to London I found out that every day of the week tourist pay money to walk through 221b Baker Street. I’m sure you all know (Or am I sure?) that this is where Sherlock Holmes did not live.

Think I made this up? Click here: http://www.sherlock-holmes.co.uk. This is Sherlock’s Official Home. If you did not click the link, I’ll tell you that the price of an Adult Ticket is 15 Pounds. As of today, 15 Pounds convert to $20.09.

Maybe I could turn this Silliness into a windfall for Fella. I could rent space in a strip mall and set up a Book Store for the sale of my Little-Read Green Book, Foolishness...Or Is It? I could charge people a fee to have them walk through the shop. I could draw them in by advertising in all the Tourist Magazines offering the opportunity to walk through Fella’s Book Store where thousands of book buyers did not come to buy his book.

If you can’t make it to my book store because you are in New Zealand, you can buy my Little-Read Green Book direct from Amazon by clicking here: https://www.amazon.com/Foolishness-Alexander-J-Ortolano-ebook/dp/B00AJ3IYI8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1527169334&sr=8-1&keywords=Foolishness...Or+Is+It%3F

You can then read my book at night in New Zealand when you have nothing else to so because it appears that New Zealandite Elected Officials are so desperate to cut down on the Flip-Flopping Footed Tourist walking all over their former seclusion that they are contemplating cutting off Nighttime Wi-Fi to the Tourist Invaders.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: In case you think I made up the New Zealand foolishness, click below:

https://www.wsj.com/articles/anger-over-tourists-swarming-vacation-hot-spots-sparks-global-backlash-1527000130

Lagniappe: In the interest of Full Disclosure, the only thing I made up in this Blog Posting was the word “Zealandite”.

God Gone

Did it all start to fall apart on April 8, 1966 when that famous Time Magazine Cover asked, Is God Dead? 

Whether it started there or not, disbelief in God certainly has gained momentum since that cover’s question shocked the world. The question did not invent the Slippery Slope but it certainly made sure the slippery did not dry up for lack of use.

 

Text Message:

Dear God,

Why do you allow so much violence in our schools?

Signed,

Concerned Student

 

Text Message:

Dear Concerned Student,

I’m not allowed in your schools.

Signed,

God

 

There ought to be signs displayed in our schools which read:

“Prayer Is Not Allowed In This School Until After The 3^rd Shot Is Fired”

If you are tempted to forward this Blog Posting to others, please resist the temptation to add a Cute Emoticon to the Sign Message above. Those you forward it to might think the sign is funny and it’s not.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Part 2 … Remembering Growing Up Being Me And Me Being Surrounded By Those Crazy And Delightful People Who Surrounded Me

Above is the title to my 12/9/17 Blog Posting. This Posting drew more comments than any posting Fella has ever done. A Whole Big Bunch (actually a Whole Big Few) has clamored for me to add on other memories. This is the first other memory. There will be more.

 

If you want to skim through the original posting, click the link below. If not, skip the click and drop down to one of Fella’s Favorite Memories of his Crazy (actually very ordinary) Family.

 

Please don’t just read it. Picture It as you read it. You will probably be able to see some of your own Relatives drinking coffee, smiling, laughing, getting angry, jumping around and simply being just delightful.

 

The Original Posting... http://forii.blogspot.com/2017/12/remembering-growing-up-being-me-and-me.html

 

The Bigga Peace of 1950

(This is Italian for the Day We Made Peace in Our Family)

Christmas Day 1950...

Sometime before Christmas Day 1950 my Uncle Johnny had a falling out with the rest of my Mother’s Side of our Family or the rest of my Mother’s Side of our Family had a falling out with Uncle Johnny.  The end result was no one in the rest of the family was talking to Uncle Johnny and Uncle Johnny was talking to no one in the rest of the family for an extended period of time before Christmas Day 1950.  It was decided by my Grandpa that it was time to make up {our family used to call it, “Bury the Hatchet”}.

 

Here was the plan:

Ø Grandpa was going to invite Uncle Johnny and Aunt Josephine over for coffee on Christmas night.

Ø The rest of the family was told to arrive at a point in time after Uncle Johnny and Aunt Josephine had arrived.

Ø Uncle Johnny was not told that the rest of the family was coming over for coffee.

Ø After Uncle Johnny was into his coffee, the family would come in and the Burial of the Hatchet would take place.

 

To the best of my recollection these were the participants in The Bigga Peace of 1950:

Ø Grandpa Allessandro {Grandma Lucia was deceased since 1948}.

Ø My Father and Mother.

Ø Uncle Leon {I do not remember Aunt Yvonne being there but she may have been}.

Ø Uncle Malcolm and Aunt Carmela.

Ø Uncle Tony and Aunt Sarah.

Ø Little Person Fella {me age 9}.  I do not remember any other grandchildren being there.

 

It appeared to be a sound plan but it was not sound at all.  All of a sudden Uncle Johnny found himself surrounded by a whole bunch of people who were not talking to him.  Remember he did not know of The Bigga Peace Plan.  His reaction was to immediately get up and go to the room in the back of the house to take a nap.

 

I wandered down the hallway that led to the back of the house and got into my Grandpa’s roll-top desk and preceded to fiddle with things {I loved that roll-top desk}.

 

That left all the conspirators in the kitchen {including Aunt Josephine} drinking coffee but that did not last long.  Uncle Tony started talking real loud about “some people being rude” and how “some people did not have common courtesy” and such.  He was throwing his voice toward the back of the house really well.

 

As I was fiddling in the desk I heard a swish, swish, swish behind me.  I turned to see Uncle Johnny in his sock feet swishing his way up from the back of the house.  It seems he had decided to forgo his nap and had now decided he wanted to punch Uncle Tony in his nose.

 

By the time he got to the kitchen, everyone had jumped up and started shouting and pushing at other family members.  Some were shouting and pushing Uncle Johnny to keep him from getting at Uncle Tony.  Some were shouting and pushing Uncle Tony to keep him from getting at Uncle Johnny.  Uncle Johnny was pushing at and reaching over those that were pushing him in an attempt to get at Uncle Tony’s nose.  Uncle Tony was pushing at and reaching over those that were pushing him in an attempt to get at Uncle Johnny’s nose.

 

The end result was Uncle Tony was pushed out the front door of the house.  {I’m not sure I had ever seen that door open before that night.}  Uncle Johnny was held in check in the kitchen.

 

I remember going out the front door with that part of our shouting and pushing family.  I remember hovering around the outside group in the street on the General Taylor Street side of the house.  I don’t know if the outside group came in or the inside group came out but the next thing I remember was everyone and their noses sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee together.  Yes, dear reader, Uncle Johnny’s nose and Uncle Tony’s nose were at the table with the rest of the family’s noses.

 

The Bigga Peace of 1950 had worked like a charm.

 

Would I kid u?

FellaO (Formerly Little Person Fella)

You Absolutely Defend My Right To Freedom Of Speech...Or Do You?

We hear a lot of talk in the Good Ole USofA these days about Freedom of Speech being under attack. There is a simple reason why we hear this talk about Freedom of Speech being under attack and it is simply because Freedom of Speech is under attack. 

The attackers almost always start with an Affirmation In Defense of Freedom of Speech...

Ø I absolutely defend your right to say what you think but it is unacceptable for you to say something that is insulting about another person.

Ø Of course, you can say anything you want to in the Good Ole USofA but what you just said is beyond the pale.

Ø You are free to say anything you want to say but you just hurt my feelings.

 

There are times when I think the world would be a better place if the word “but” had not been invented.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Stop Producing Those Widgets! We Have Got To Have A Meeting!

When I was still working I found myself surrounded by Meet-Up America. The company I worked for had lots of meetings. It had meetings to plan upcoming meetings.

It got so bad that we called the Telephone the Meetephone. Almost every time it rang, it was a Meeting Set-up Person calling to set up a meeting. We laughed about it but it really wasn’t that funny.

I started telling the breathless and excited Meeting Set-up Person that I was not going to attend their meeting because my contract with the company only required me to attend 2,793 meetings each year and I had passed that number on April 21st.

The caller sounded confused and disappointed. I always relented and went to their meeting because, I had learned through the years, that something important would be said every 4th or 5th meetings and I did not want to miss out on that exciting information.

------------------------

The Foregone Conclusion Meeting

We were once called into Short Notice Emergency Meeting. These types of meetings were usually exciting. This one proved to be shocking to someone like me who had always been Task Orientated.

*************************************************

Allow me to digress...

I was actually criticized by a supervisor one time for being Task Orientated. It took me a moment to understand that I was being criticized because I knew I was of such an orientation but, up until that moment, I had always thought that being Task Orientated was a good thing.

I asked what was I to strive to be if I were to correct this deficiency. I was told I should re-make myself to be more People Orientated. I was sitting in a position where I could not see myself but, if I had been able to see myself, I am sure I would have seen myself sitting there with my mouth open.

It was not long after this happening that I retired. I welcomed retirement because I was having a hard time walking away from all those unfinished tasks and instead throwing myself into those seemingly never-ending Birthday Parties, Anniversary Parties, Birth Announcement Parties, Dog Adoption Parties and Retirement Parties.

I was training myself to sing loudly. This was a hard thing for me to adapt to because I had always believed no one should hear me sing, no matter how special the special occasion was.

*************************************************

I am done digressing. Let’s get back to the Short Notice Emergency Meeting I started to tell you about above...

The meeting had been called to develop a Plan of Action to address a very important issue that Cecil (our boss) was concerned about. We had been directed to put our heads together and develop a plan to take away Cecil’s anxiety.

We had yet to make much progress when Missing Ralph came in. He was not always missing and today we did not know he was missing until he came in late.

We could all tell immediately by his body language that he was excited. He told us that he had gone to talk with Big Cecil before he came to our meeting in order to pick Cecil’s brain and get a sense of how Cecil felt about the Important Issue which had caused him to direct us to hold Short Notice Emergency Meeting.

Missing, but now no longer missing, Ralph was so pleased because he now knew what Cecil hoped would be the Plan of Action our Short Notice Emergency Meeting would recommend to him as the prudent way to go.

The Short Notice Emergency Meeting then moved forward quickly as its members assembled Cecil’s Prudent Course of Action into a smooth presentation to recommend to Cecil for his approval.

At some point during the meeting, I interrupted my fellow workers and stated that I thought Cecil might like to know what we thought about how to address this important issue rather than what he thought about how to address this important issue.

My fellow workers were never rude but were very practiced at looking at me with disdain and they were anxious to get this meeting over with because there Dog Adoption Party scheduled to start shortly. They looked at me with such disdain that I felt my body start to quiver to the point where I thought Scotty from Star Trek had latched onto me and was starting to beam me up.

The end result was Cecil did quickly approve our meeting’s Prudent Course of Action which he should have approved because it actually was his Prudent Course of Action before it was the Short Notice Emergency Meeting’s Prudent Course of action.

I’m sure Cecil was really impressed with how clear thinking, logical and organized the Short Notice Emergency Meeting Members were.

After the Disdaining, Fella just sat there with his mouth open.

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Meet-Up America does not know it but its Vision Statement goes something like this...

At Bigger and Better Widgets, Inc. we are committed to conducting ever bigger and better Planning Meetings in order to lay out complicated Plans of Action about how we could make our Widgets faster and in greater quantity if only we were not always in Planning Meetings dedicated to developing complicated Plans of Action about how we could make things faster and in greater quantity.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella