Training Your Employees To Be Trained Employees

I like fried chicken. I have a used-to-be-favorite fried chicken fast food chain where the fried chicken isn’t as good as it used to be. Every so often, I go back to see if they have remembered how they used to fry good tasting fried chicken. So far, they have not remembered but I keep hoping.

As I walked up to my used-to-be-favorite fried chicken store, I saw the manager outside picking up cigarette butts. I’ve seen him picking cigarette butts up before and long ago I figured out he’s outside picking up butts because he’s afraid to go inside because of what his chicken sellers might be doing that he can’t bear to watch them doing.

In times past he has been very open with me about his never-ending battle to train his chicken sellers to know what the heck they are doing. He once told me about an interaction he overheard between a chicken customer and one of his chicken sellers who, up to that point, he thought was one of his best chicken sellers…

• The customer had rung up a tab of $17.80.
• The register’s computer was not working, and his chicken seller was baffled about how much change to give to the customer who was anxious to get to eating his chicken because it was getting cold.
• His chicken seller said to his customer, “I can’t give you your change because the register’s computer is down and it will not tell me how much change to give you”.
• The hungry customer said, “Give me $2.20”.
• The chicken seller looked flabbergasted and said to the hungry customer, “You did that in your head?!”

I then went into the store to get my almost free chicken. First, I got to tell you why my chicken was almost free. If a customer takes the chain’s satisfaction survey online, they get a code that allows them to get 2 pieces of chicken and a biscuit if they buy a big soda (the soda is the almost free part).

I showed the chicken seller my sales slip with my code written on it. (Some parts of my Blog Postings are made up but this part is not made up.) The chicken seller looked at the coded sales slip and said, “What’s that?”

At that moment I had full appreciation of the manager’s battle to train his employees.

Oh yea, the part about the $2.20 change in the head calculation was also not made up, although it did not happen in a chicken store.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: If you have not bought one or two of my books lately and you want to buy one or two or you have a friend or enemy you want to buy one or two for, go to https://www.amazon.com/Foolishness-Alexander-J-Ortolano-ebook/dp/B00AJ3IYI8/ref=sr_1_1? and buy one or two.

 

Father Used to Know Better

Father used to be the Family Hero.

There once was a popular TV Show (1954-1960) named "Father Knows Best". That was a different time. No one got upset that the show was named “Father Knows Best”. Were Fathers different back in 1954-1960? I think not. The Good Ole USofA was different back in 1954-1960.

The show followed the lives of the Andersons, a middle-class family in the fictional town of Springfield. It centered on Jim Anderson, a wise and caring father played by Robert Young, and his common-sense wife Margaret Anderson, portrayed by Jane Wyatt.

(Fella to Fella, be careful about what you are about to peck out.)

You might remember Fella is The Noticer. For example, since 1960 the Father has literally taken the Proverbial Back Seat in many things. Recently there was a car commercial that proved my point. You probably saw the commercial, but you did not Notice what I Noticed…

• The commercial starts when a family of 7 arrives by plane at any airport.
• They rented a big SUV sized car.
• As the happy family drives away from the airport the Mother is the driver.
• One child is in the passenger seat.
• Three children are in the middle seats.
• In the Way Back Seat sits the Father and the smallest child.

In 1954 to 1960 the Father would have been the driver, but that was then, and this is now. Fathers don’t drive the family vehicle near as much now as they did back then.

Back then the Father would have proudly loaded up his happy family and drove them to their happy vacation. Now he cowers way back in the Way Back.

That’s progress…Or is it?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: It could have been worse. The commercial could have had this dialog:

• We should have brought Father.
• We did bring him.
• Where is he?
• He's in the Way Back way back in the back somewhere.

Don’t Blame Forrest Gump

Did you just say, “What did Forrest Gump say? How soon we forget. I’ll jog your memory. Forrest Gump said, “Stupid Is as Stupid Does”.

Did you just say, you are not going to be swayed by someone who did not exist and Forrest Gump did not exist?

You may have a point there but what if I gave you another well-known used to be familiar character who did not exist to lend support to Forrest for what Forrest said? Would you be swayed by reading quotes from two Never-Was-Characters and thereby convince you to change your mind?

Allow me to dredge up Pogo to remind you of who our real enemy is. You know you can trust Pogo…Or do you?

Pogo said, “We Have Met the Enemy and He Is Us”

Did you just say, “What was a Pogo?” OK, but this is the last time I will let you distract me. I will answer you this one last time and then I will have to move onto explaining who the real enemy is.

Pogo was a Cartoon Character. He was an Anthropomorphic (ascribing human form or attributes to a being or thing not human) Opossum. (if “Opossum” is spelled with an “O”, why don’t we say the “O”?)

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This is the longest I have ever blogged without getting into the actual Blog Posting but here I go…

• Is it smart to tell your enemy what your weaknesses are?
• You don’t have to be real smart to say, “No, you don’t do that!”
• In the last few days our News Media has repeatedly been discussing on TV the fact that the Good Ole USofA may be about to run munitions (bullets, bombs, missiles, drones, etc.).
• Is telling our enemy what our weaknesses are a smart thing to do?
• Fella thinks not!
• Wait a minute. I may be jumping to unnecessary conclusions.
• This would only be a problem if the enemy had TVs and we all know that our enemy does not have TVs…Or do they not?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Smudges Are Everywhere

Have you noticed how many times you go to something on your handheld devices that looks interesting, but once you get there, you find that you can’t see much of anything because there are smudges all over everything of interest?

There was a video recently of a high school student who had pulled a knife in school and was causing chaos but all you could see was the chaos…

• There was shouting like, “He got a knife!” repeatedly.
• The were people running around very fast.
• I am not sure if there were people running around or not because all I could see was Smudges sliding around very fast.
• I say Sliding Around because I could not see the smudged people’s feet because these were Complete Smudges which means the feet of the Smudges were smudged also.
• I may be wrong in what I said in the above bullet because I’m not entirely sure if Smudges have feet.
• Did I say there was Chaos?
• Did I say there was repeated shouting, “He got a knife!”?
• Yes, I know I did but I’m saying it again because the chaos is still with me.

What I did not get from the video was anything concrete like…

• Did he stab anyone?
• Did he get away?
• Were they not able to identify him at all because he was smudged and he was completely obscured?
• Did he simply go back to his seat and sit down and read one of those long apologies that he got from the Internet’s Apologies R Us Web Site that all those Hollywood Stars use so often?
• Did he die because of Smudge Suffocation?
• Did his parents sue everyone in the video for chasing him all around and getting him all upset.
• Did his parents sue everyone in the video contending their son was not responsible for all of the bad things he did because he suffered from bad parenting?

All this confusion reminds me of the baby abduction I saw several years ago that was recorded by street security cameras…

• A mother was walking down the street with a baby in her arms and her other two small walking children.
• A bad guy ran up and took the baby from her and started running up the street.
• The two walking children started chasing the bad guy up the street.
• The security cameras recorded the bad guy with baby in his arms and the two walking (now running) children in hot pursuit.
• Are you thinking, this is great because the bad guy was going to be easy to identify because he was being recorded as he ran...Or was he?
• The TV Station smudged out the bad guy’s running face!

Was the TV Station afraid that it was going to be sued by the bad guy? ... That could not be! ... Or could that not be?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Is It, A Republic, If You Can Keep It! … Or Is It, A Toothbrush, If You Can Keep It?

Upon exiting the Constitutional Convention Benjamin Franklin was approached by a group of citizens asking what sort of government the delegates had created. His answer was: "A republic, if you can keep it."

I just bought a high-powered toothbrush that is so wonderful the manufacturer of the toothbrush felt obligated to charge me a lot of money.

As is usually the case, the toothbrush comes with an Owner’s Manual. Because someone back in times past invented lawyers, the Owner’s Manual starts off with page after page of Threats (If you don’t read and abide by these threats, you could be seriously injured or seriously die) and Warnings (A bunch of warnings about everything you can imagine and a bunch you could never have imagined) ...

The Warnings… There are 12 Warnings. I will not list all 12 but I must admit that I am a bit baffled by number 11… “The maximum altitude of use is 4500 meters”.

The Medical Warnings… There are 5 Medical Warnings. I found number 4 very interesting… “If you have medical concerns, consult your doctor before you use this appliance”. Medical Concerns? What could possibly medically concern you about a toothbrush?

The Battery Safety Instructions… There are 13 Battery Safety Instructions. I started to not even look at these, but by now I had become a bit unnerved and confused, so I looked. I wish I had not looked. I saw things like…

>Do not place this product or its battery in a microwave oven (I ask you, who is going to take the battery out of their toothbrush and put it into a microwave oven?

>Keep product and battery away from fire (No kidding!)

>Do not expose the battery to direct sunlight (This greatly disappointed me because I had been so looking forward to brushing my teeth outdoors).

I was compelled to analyze the above bullet point in more depth because this one is Foolishness of The Highest Order…
     >To expose the battery to direct sunlight it must be removed from the toothbrush.
     >Getting the battery out of the toothbrush is a herculean task.
     >The Owner’s Manual has 2 pages of instructions explaining how to remove the battery.
     >The removal instructions are laid out into 17 separate paragraphs.
     >To remove the battery, one needs a towel or cloth, a hammer, and a flat-head screw driver.
     >At one point you are told, “Hold the top of the handle with one hand and strike the handle housing 0.5 inches above the handle end. Strike firmly with a hammer on all 4 sides to eject the end cap. Note: You may have to hit on the end several times to break the internal snap connections.”

    You should understand that your toothbrush is now broken and will never work again. Which make one wonder why you went to all this effort to expose your battery to direct sunlight…Or will you wonder?

Wow! The lawyers who had assembled this Owner’s Manual must have been afraid of their collective own shadows!

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This next one got my Foolishness…Or Is It? juices flowing and inspired me to write this Blog Posting…

Changes or modifications not expressly approved by us could void the user’s authority to operate the equipment.

What the heck does this mean?

Could they really void my authority to use my own very expensive toothbrush?!

This causes my now completely confused mind to wonder…

• I thought because I had paid for my toothbrush I not only had the right to use it, but I also had the right to keep it if I wanted to keep it.
• Does this mean they have a right to come into my house and take my toothbrush away from me?
• How would they know I did what I was not allowed to do, especially since they have now confused me to the point that I can’t figure out what it is that I’m not allowed to do?
• If I am in mid-brush, when they break down my door, will I be allowed to finish my brush?
• This makes me think I really ought to only use my toothbrush outdoors, at least that would save me the expense of having to replace my broken-down door.
• Is it possible that all these words I don’t understand add up to a Preemptive Breaking and Entering Search and Seizure Authorization?

I wish Benjamin Franklin was not dead. I’m beginning to feel that he’s the only one I can trust.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Who Said Health Clubs Do Not Do Foolish Things?

I did not have my Potted Plant Outfit on this trip to my health club. If I had had it, I could have pecked out a Blog Posting in minute detail about how Nestor (the club’s small jobs employee associate) messed up this small job. Instead, I will make up what must have happened. Fear not I can make up happenings where I was not present that are so accurate it’s as if I were present.

Ø Nestor's Supervisor said to Nestor, “Nestor, go to shower #4 and attach this stick-on hook to the wall right outside the shower so members can have their towel waiting for them to use when they finish their shower”.

Ø Nestor said to Nestor's Supervisor, “Sometimes I think you go out of your way to give me all the hard jobs!”

Ø Nestor's Supervisor said to Nestor, “You are right there, Nestor, you have special skills and we try to make use of those skills as often as possible. Please hurry there might be a member looking for a place to hang his towel as we speak.”

Fella says to his Dear Readers, I leave it up to you to decide. Did Nestor do a good job...Or did he not?

Would I kid u?
Smartfella

Lagniappe: Can you believe that the manager of my health club turned me down when I recommended this name change for his club? … Staying Healthy Is Enough To Kill You. 😊

Holiday Bargain

On Martin Luther King Day my wife and I walked into a local Chinese Buffet restaurant that we had walked into many times before. We thought we knew the price we were going to have to pay for lunch but that day the price was a shock to us.

The first thing we saw was a large handwritten sign next to the podium that the Little Asian Lady who would show us to our seats usually hides behind because she is a Small Asian Lady. 

As soon as I saw the handwritten sign I looked toward the hiding podium, but I could not see the Little Asian Lady because she was really hiding behind the hiding podium today.

I don't think I would have been surprised to find out Asians had respect for Martin Luther King but the degree of their respect for him was a surprise to me.

They had so much respect for Martin Luther King that they had raised their price by $8.00 above their usual price to a whopping $21.00!

It was at this point that the Little Asian Lady stuck her head around the side of the hiding podium, and she said one single word, "Holiday".

Maybe my problem is I don't understand Asian Customs and Traditions. Maybe in Asia it is a sign of Respect to charge more money if you are selling something to a person you respect. 

That's it! Maybe they were charging me more because they respected me and it just happens to be a Holiday.

What do I know, in Asia it might even be an insult to charge someone you respect the usual common ordinary low price.

That must be it...Or is it?

On the other hand, if this is the case, why does the Little Asian Lady feel compelled to hide behind the Hiding Podium while she says, "Holiday" to me?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

What If Fella Had Not Made It Back from Vietnam?

November 12, 1965, was the closest I came to being killed in Vietnam.

If I had been killed on November 12, 1965, most of my family members would never have been born and those who were born would have had their lives dramatically changed. 

Here are those who would not have been born (as of this point in time): a son, another son, a granddaughter, a grandson, another grandson, another granddaughter, another granddaughter, another granddaughter, another grandson, another grandson, another grandson, another granddaughter, another grandson, a great grandson and a great granddaughter.

Did the above paragraph confuse you? Well get ready, you ain’t seen nothing yet because Fella is about to really confuse you (and him).

My first daughter was already born but without me going to work for American Motors who sent me to live in Michigan, who knows where my wife and my first two children would have lived. Probably not in Michigan. My first daughter met her never-would-have-met-him-husband because one summer she went to work on Mackinac Island in Michigan because we had lived in Michigan because American Motors had sent me to live in Michigan and she had learned there was an island way up high in Michigan named Mackinac Island while we lived in Michigan. She met her future husband because she saw him working in the window of a Fudge Shop on Mackinac Island. Had she not been on Mackinac Island to meet him, my grandchildren from that marriage, a granddaughter, a grandson and another grandson would not have been born.

My second daughter  would have been born but would never have met her never-met-him-husband because she might have been in Arizona where she was born or in Florida where her grandparents moved after I was killed (my wife was living with her parents while I was in Vietnam), therefore, my daughter would never have met her never-met-him-husband who was living in Georgia watching football games while my daughter might have been living these or other places. This all means a granddaughter, another granddaughter, another granddaughter, a great grandson and a great granddaughter would never have been born (as of this point in time). 

My son who never-was-born never met and married his never-could-have-been-his-wife because he was never born. This means a grandson, another grandson and another grandson would never have been born.

My other son who never-was-born never met and married his never-could-have-been-his-wife because he was never born. This means a granddaughter and a grandson would never have been born.

I’m sure you can now see (or am I certain) this all means a never-could-have-been-my-son-in-law, a never-could-have-been-my-daughter-in-law and another never-could-have-been-my-daughter-in-law would all be wandering around looking for their never-could-have-met-them-mates. 

One of my never-was-born-grandsons married my never-could-have-met-her-daughter-in-law, but, since he was never born, that never-could-have-met-her-daughter-in-law would be wandering around looking for my never-was-born-grandson.

Repeat the above paragraph for another never-was-born-grandson.

One of my never-was-granddaughters is engaged to a never-going-to-be-my-grandson-in-law, so my never-going-to-be-my-grandson-in-law would be wandering around looking for my never-was-born-granddaughter. 

Repeat the above paragraph for another of my never-was-born-granddaughters who has a boyfriend who is never going to be my grand-boyfriend-in-law. 

I told you I was going to confuse you.

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If Vietnam Veterans meet up, they are very likely to say, “Welcome home, brother”.

I’m different because I say, “I’m glad you made it back”.

This Blog Posting also has me very confused, however, I’m certainly not confused when I say I’m certain all of the people described in this Confusing Foolishness ought to say to me, “I’m glad you made it back”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: This is the longest time between Blog Posting on record. The reason be apparent to you now that you have tried to read your way through this Blog Posting. I have been trying to figure out what I have been trying to say.