She Was So Unhappy!

It broke my heart to see her like that. There she was sitting on the curb outside my favorite BBQ Restaurant. She was really very attractive but when I came upon her she did not look very pretty because she was crying her eyes out. 

I tried to console her and, during the consoling, she told me her tale of woe...

Ø She has always loved BBQ.

Ø All her life she had been preparing herself to become a waitress in a BBQ Restaurant.

Ø She worked hard to get her certificate in BBQing from the prestigious BBQ Institute for a Greater America.

Ø She could identify, while blindfolded, all sauces used in any BBQ restaurant in a 100 mile radius.

Ø Today was her big day.

Ø She had put on her most attractive outfit and had come to my favorite BBQ Restaurant to apply for a job as a waitress.

Ø This was going to be the day she launched her BBQ Waitressing Career.

Ø She was rebuffed and she did not come close to being hired.

Ø The manager took one look at her and showed her the door.

 

I was really intrigued by this point because, as far as I could tell, she seemed to have all the qualifications to make a fine BBQ Waitress.

 

I asked her why she had been summarily turned away like this and my heart as bleeding for her as she said through her tears, “They said I could not work in their restaurant because I don’t have a Tattoo!”

 

I immediately understood why she had been rebuffed, I turned away and went inside to get my pulled pork sandwich.

 

Yes, my waitress did have a Dynamite Tattoo. Actually, she had several.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

This Is A Repeat Blog From 2011

Quote heard coming from the Smartfella 7 times last night as he suffered through the Nightly News Shows, “Yee Gads! Not another poll!”

I can’t help myself. The current presidential campaign is covering us up in Polls. Heck, they are reporting to us the results of Polls About Other Polls. Too bad they have not taken to heart the advice I gave them 5.5 years ago.

FRIDAY, APRIL 08, 2011

How Long Is A 60 Minute News Show?

I, for one, am very tired of the 24/7 News Cycle. I am, however, not one to say that’s the way is has to be. I am a Fighter but most of all I am a Thinking Fighter and I have come up with a fool proof way to address this awful situation.

I am, here and now, proposing the way to cut any current 60 Minute News show down to 30 minutes! It is so simple that you, my dear readers, are going to kick your collective selves for not thinking of it ahead of me.

On All of These 60 Minute News Shows Prohibit the Talking News Heads from Quoting the Results of Any News Poll of the American People

 

That is it. That would save easily 30 minutes an hour.

I am not so shallow as to just lay those saved 30 minutes on the trash bin of history. I am concurrently proposing that the time gained be filled in by showing reruns of any of the following…

• Amos ‘n Andy
• The Ozzie & Harriet Show
• Amos ‘n Andy
• The Lone Ranger
• Amos ‘n Andy

If you have never had the pleasure of watching any of the above shows, I feel sorry for you.

I take that back. I don’t feel sorry for you because you have a lot of viewing pleasure lying in front of you.

If, after watching any of them, you say you don’t like what you have watched, I will then feel sorry for you for sure.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Come To Think Of It

I got this Thought Provoker from one of those Lists of Everything You Can Imagine that we all see every day from the Internet...

Why don't you ever see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

 

This made me start thinking...

Why don't you ever see the headline, “The owner of all that gold on those TV Commercials has decided to keep the gold for himself, so he can become stinking rich instead of selling it to you so you can become stinking rich”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Ole Cars Are The Best Cars

I saw a news article where a man was removed from his car by a Carjacker at the point of a gun. The victim cooperated but the Carjacker ended up not taking his car.

 

What happened? ...

Ø Did the Royal Canadian Mounted Police ride up and chase away the villain?

Ø Did a Meteorite come down and kill the dastardly fellow on the spot?

Ø Did the victim have a picture of Vladimir Putin duct taped to the dashboard and the bad guy was afraid to enter the vehicle for fear that Vladimir would come invade his home?

 

I know you are having a hard time deciding among these 3 very possible possibilities. I’ll save you from your quandary and give you the answer...

The Villain/Dastardly Fellow/Bad Guy Left the Vehicle Because He Could Not Drive a Stick Shift Car

Looks like the Villain/Dastardly Fellow/Bad Guy did not properly train himself for his chosen profession.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

What Do You Mean By That?

Speaking to Chinese Government Officials the new Philippines President has announced during a visit to China...

Ø “America has lost now. I’ve aligned myself in your ideological flow”.

Ø “I announce my separation from the United States both in military and economics also,” Duterte announced to a cheering crowd in Beijing. He added, "America does not control our lives”.

Ø “China has been a friend of the Philippines and the roots of our bonds are very deep and not easily severed,” he said. “Even as we arrive in Beijing, close to winter, this is a springtime of our relationship.”

 

Our State Department was once smart. Now it is a mere shadow of its former self. It seems pretty clear to me what the Philippines President is saying. He is saying that he feels it is safer and more beneficial to his country to be a Friend of China than a Friend of America.

 

Our State Department’s response to this very clearly laid out message was to say this silliness, “We are going to be seeking an explanation of exactly what the president meant when he talked about separation from the U.S. It's not clear to us exactly what that means in all its ramifications.”

 

It’s sort of like a gunman who points his gun at our State Department and then pulls the trigger. Between the time that the bullet leaves the gun barrel and when it hits the State Department, our State Department says, “What exactly are your intentions?”

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: I say, let ‘em go. Our government should encourage them to continue to be mad at us. How in the heck can a country that is named the Philippines refer to themselves as Filipinos? We don’t need friends that can’t spell.

Going Round And Round With Snails

As many of you know, I go to the local high school track in an, up to this point successful, attempt to keep my heart from attacking me. Sometime I am not alone as I go round and round the track.

Often I am surrounded by a Student PT Class getting their own form of “exercise”. The students are also going round and round under the watchful eyes of a really bored looking PT Instructor.

 

There are more differences than age between myself and the students...

Ø I am perspiring and they are not.

Ø I am actually exercising and they are not.

Ø 80% of them are Texting as they “exercise” (walk around the track), 15% are listening to “music” as they exercise (walk around the track) and 5% are staring into space with a look of despair and shock on their faces as the “exercise” (walk around the track) because they forgot to bring their Cell Phones to school that awful day.

 

Last time at the track I went up to the glassy eyed PT Instructor and said to him, “I know how you could get sued. If you told them that they had to do one lap without their Cell Phones, you would be sued for Cruel and Unusual Punishment”.

 

He looked at me and smiled (a little) and said, “I’ve never seen anything like it”.

 

If I pecked out that I saw a Snail pass several of them, you would certainly accuse me of exaggeration and I would have to admit that I was exaggerating...Or would I have to?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: I’m sure glad Putin was not there to see what I saw. If he had been, he would have invaded a couple of countries the following day for sure.

In The Good Ole Days Our Presidential Election Were Participated In By Gentlemen Who Only Concerned Themselves With The Issues...Or Were They?...Or Did They?

As Rick Ungar wrote in 2012 for Forbes magazine, the president of Yale University, a John Adams supporter, suggested that if Thomas Jefferson were to become president, “We would see our wives and daughters the victims of legal prostitution.”

A Connecticut newspaper, notes Ungar, warned that the election of Jefferson would create a nation where “murder, robbery, rape, adultery and incest will openly be taught and practiced.”

Not to be outdone, James Callender, “an influential journalist of the time … wrote that Adams was a rageful, lying, warmongering fellow; a ‘repulsive pedant’ and ‘gross hypocrite’ who ‘behaved neither like a man nor like a woman but instead possessed a hideous hermaphroditical character.’”

What was worse about the year 1800 was the people understood all those big words. Today we say to our collective selves, “I gonna look that word up after football season is over”.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Have We Lost Our Sense Of Humor?

Apologies are everywhere. The acceptance of apologies is not everywhere. It all depends on who is apologizing and who is accepting or not accepting the apology. It’s all very confusing. 

A person says an unkind, nasty, uncaring, awful, unthinking, hideous, terrible and/or mean thing and, if the saying person tries to modify what he said, he has to be quick and eloquent about it.

If the saying now modifying person is a politician, the apology is called Walking Back. The Walking Back usually happens the next day, after his Handlers tell the person he better Walk Back what he said and he better practice before a mirror, so he will sound truly contrite.

 

The handlers explain it makes no difference if unkind, nasty, uncaring, awful, unthinking, hideous, terrible and/or mean saying person is sorry or not. The only thing of importance is he must sound sincere. In other words, if he can fake sincerity, his apology will work like a charm.

 

That last sentence in the above paragraph is not always true. In politics, the other side’s apology is never accepted and the apologizer will be beaten severely about the head and shoulder unmercifully until the election is over.

 

Once the election is over, the unkind, nasty, uncaring, awful, unthinking, hideous, terrible and/or mean thing said is of no importance and is forgotten about until the unkind, nasty, uncaring, awful, unthinking, hideous, terrible and/or mean thing saying person runs for another office. Then the awful he did during the last election will rise like a Phoenix out of the desert and start tearing the candidate to shreds all over again.

*********************

Enter Alex Trebek of the long-running TV Game Show Jeopardy

 

Why did Alex just enter? That’s because he dared to tease a contestant on his show. Immediately after he said his unkind, nasty, uncaring, awful, unthinking, hideous, terrible and/or mean thing he said he was teasing.

 

There was a time when we all would have laughed at his attempt at humor and moved on with our collective lives but past times are not now times.

 

Ole Alex has been bombarded by Angry Tweets. Tweets from Twits are powerful in this silly age we live in. “Angry Tweets” sound like something I would have made up just a few years ago to put into one of my Sillier Blog Postings.

 

Tweeting is powerful! Sometimes we hear Tweeters referred to as Twitter Nation. Huh? It’s like they are a thinking entity. I sometimes wonder if they have a Capital City, an Army, a Monthly Magazine, a Uniform or a Favorite Cookie.

 

Since this is the Bottom of this bit of Foolishness, here is the Bottom Line...

 

Tweeting Twits are bigger and better and more powerful than Mantovani.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: I know what some of you are thinking... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mantovani

 

What’s Wrong With Us? – Part Next

Please excuse me. This blog posting was written last month but got lost in my New In Process Folder. The point it makes is still valid, just a little tardy. If I worked for the Federal Government, I would have waited eight years to send it out. (After you read it, you will understand why I pecked out “eight years”.)

************************

Yes I have used the Blog Title, “What’s Wrong With Us?” before. As acknowledgement to that fact that no one is listening to me, I anticipate I will use it again. I did not bother to go back and find how many other Blog Postings used the same title. Hence I used “Part Next” rather than a number to indicate I have used it before and intend to use it again.

 

Cyber Security is big news and, from all indications, it will be bigger news in the months and years to come. Our Federal Government saw this disasters waiting to happen and sprang into action! We now have our first Federal Cyber Security Chief!

 

Here is why you should experience a great sigh of relief that our Federal Government has taken this very important step to protect us all. Here is what this guy is going to protect us from...

Ø He will improve our defenses against hackers.

Ø He will protect government networks.

Ø He will protect critical infrastructures from cyber threats.

 

All three bullets above sound like the same thing. Don’t blame me. I am only plagiarizing my bullets out of the newspaper article that was written to make all of us feel better.

 

All of the above was pecked out to demonstrate how our Federal Government springs into immediate action when a crisis in upon us...Or does it?

 

The problem is this announcement was made on 9/8/16. What’s wrong with that announcement date? It’s simply this... The Position Now Being Filled Was Created Eight Years Ago!

 

What took our Federal Government so long? If it is such serious position, why was the position not filled 7 years and 11 months ago?

 

The saddest part of all of this is, if we would approach the Critical Position Appointment Department People up there in D.C., they would look us straight in our disbelieving eyes and say to us, “Eight years is not that long”.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: From my Adding Insult to Injury Department... Remember that position was created on 9/8/16. The last paragraph of the newspaper article says, “He will begin his new role later this month”. I certainly hope a Twitter Message has been sent to the bad guys asking them to wait till October to spring anything mean on us.

 

You May Not Be Able To Believe Everything I Say But You Can’t Believe Anything They Say So You Might As Well Believe What I Say

If I ever say to you that I have Blogged about darn near anything and darn near everything, it may not be Foolishness.

Here is a good example from an advertisement that is all over TV & Radio...

“If your credit card debt is out of control, if you’re over your head in monthly payments, there’s a secret the credit card companies don’t want you to know: If you have more than $5,000 in credit card debt, you have the right to settle that debt for a fraction of what you owe. That’s bad news for the credit card companies, but it’s great news for you.” 

If you are as word conscious as I am, you caught the key phrase in this pitch... “you have the right to settle”. The Fella has this to say about that... “Huh? You have a right? You can buy whatever you want on your credit card and never have to be bothered with paying it back? Huh, again.”

 

Here is my blog from December 2008...

You Have Got To Keep Spending Your Money

If you reach your objective, there will be a big payoff waiting for you.

Have any of you heard those commercials on the radio that features the Grabber Line which goes something like this, "Did you know that, if you owe more than $10,000 in credit card debt, you are entitled to settle for substantially less than you owe?”

What a great country!

Can't you just see a future episode of Judge What's His Name on TV …

Plaintiff … Your honor, I am entitled to a divorce. I specifically gave my wife instructions that she was to spend all her time shopping until she got our credit card over $10,000. I was patient with her. I gave her time to accomplish her objective. Our whole family was depending on the Over $10,000 Credit Card Entitlement Discount to be able to afford to go to Hawaii this year. The kids are really disappointed. She has been unable to get our debt much over $8,500. This has put a severe mental strain on our entire family.

Defendant … (In tears) I am so so so sorry. I know how much this failure on my part is destroying the very fabric of our family. I tried my best but the stores kept having One Day Sales.

Judge What's His Name … I have seen this sad scene all too many times. It's mothers like you who give Mothering a bad name. I am only too eager to grant this divorce. I hope that your husband's next wife will take her spending responsibilities more seriously and will do a better job than you did. Your children deserve lots of stuff. Divorce granted! Case dismissed!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

------------------------

If you have not had enough of me for today, here is a similar past blog posting...

 

Here is my blog from September 2013…

Wanna Meet A Fool? … Meet Me

 

I keep saying I am Smart. Now I say I am dumb. Why the change? Allow me to demonstrate how smart I am by proving how dumb I am.

 

Our radio waves are full of advertisements from companies claiming to be capable of standing between you and the Internal Revenue Service and deflecting the IRS’s attacks on you and beating the Evil IRS into submission.

 

These services never mention a fee but there must be a fee but I am sure it is not much ... Or am I? ... because they sound so sincerely concerned about the beleaguered Tax Payer’s well being and happiness.

 

Here are a few of the claims made by these wonderful organizations...

• Client's Total Liability to IRS: $6,878,404 
  Settlement: $0 
  Savings: $6,878,404 (100%)
• Client's Total Liability to IRS: $27,900 
  Settlement: $1,200 
  Savings: $26,700 (96%)
• Clients Total Liability to IRS: $212,555 
  Settlement: $2,400 
  Savings: $210,155 (99%)
• Clients Total Liability to IRS: $94,000 
  Settlement: $2,046 
  Savings: $91,954 (98%)
• Clients Total Liability to IRS: $304,231 
  Settlement: $73.00 
  Savings: $304,158 (99%)
• Client's Total Liability to IRS: $87,000 
  Settlement: $1,500 
  Savings: $85,500 (98%)
• Client's Total Liability to IRS: $500,000 
  Settlement: $10,000 
  Savings: $490,000 (98%)

 

Do you get my drift in my Subject Line Question above? I am obviously dumb because I have always paid my taxes. The question for you, my dear reader, is... Are You As Dumb As The Smartfella?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Hey, America, We Gotta Lighten Up!

We are told the Internet is wonderful. It tells us everything. The truth is it tells us everything Over and Over.

A few weeks ago Jimmy Fallon messed up Donald Trump’s hair and the World Wide Web went crazy.

I searched on this “Historically Significant Happening” (Trump Messed Up Hair) and I got 964,000 Results. In my opinion this was about 963,980 too many. How many times can we read the same thing?

If you want to read a few, here are a few...

• Even The Dalai Lama Is Mocking Donald Trump
• 1000+ Ideas About Donald Trump Hair Meme On Pinterest
• Trump’s Hair Being Messed Up In Slow Motion
• Jimmy Fallon Under Fire For Humanizing Donald Trump
• Is Donald Trump’s Hair a $60,000 Weave?
• Absolute Proof, Trump’s Hair Is Real
• Jimmy Fallon Messed Up Miserable Trump’s Hair On Live TV

The one that amused me the most is the middle one. No matter how much those who oppose Donald Trump attack him, they certainly will admit that he is human...Or will they?

Oh well, it could be worse, at least Fallon drew the line at letting Trump play his Saxophone!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Silly Logic About Traffic Deaths

Logical Conclusion...

Ø All terrorist groups have voluntarily disbanded.

Ø People all over the world are dancing in the streets.

Ø All hate crime laws have been wiped off the books because they are obviously not necessary.

Ø After issuing pink slips to all its employees and closing all its offices, the NAACP issued this statement, “Our organization is not longer needed because racism is definitely a thing of the past”.

Ø For the last 18 months not a single person in the Good Ole USofA has been stabbed, shot, slapped, shouted at, robbed or even been given an accidental bump on the head.

 

If everything is the above paragraph were true, it would be logical to conclude that the rest of the day will go smoothly.

------------------------

Illogical Conclusion...

The article which drew the Illogical Conclusion can be found by clicking the Lagniappe Link below but I will summarize it for you here...

Ø U.S. traffic deaths jumped 10.4 percent in the first six months of 2016 to a "crisis" level.

Ø Road deaths in the first half totaled 17,775.

Ø That number was likely to be higher in the second half due to warmer weather and seasonal driving.

Ø The jump in the first half of the year follows a spike in 2015, when road deaths rose 7.2 percent to 35,092.

Ø This was the highest full-year increase since 1966.

Ø The NHTSA called the rising deaths a "crisis" and urged swift actions to reverse the rising trend after years of declines.

 

The 6 bullets above point to the undeniable conclusion that we are going over a cliff down a slippery slope and the prospects of reversing this awful decline are bleak indeed...Or does it?

 

Right after the 6 awful trending bullets the article had this paragraph, “The U.S. Transportations Department said it believes it "is now increasingly likely that the vision of zero deaths and serious injuries can be achieved in the next 30 years."

 

If you can see the “logic” in the U.S. Transportations Department’s conclusion, I am hereby banning you from ever reading my blog again. You are too Foolish to read my Silliness.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella  

 

Lagniappe: The link to the article... https://www.yahoo.com/news/u-road-deaths-jump-10-4-percent-2016-131238777.html