Wal-Mart’s Secret Plan Is Laid Bare For All To See

Anonymous says: I read it again. After I finished it I said to myself, "What a joke!"

Ever wonder why Wal-Mart is so successful? I am here to tell you their darkest secret. You can rest assured that you can believe every word of this posting because I got it straight a person who is very close to a cousin of Wal-Mart’s CEO who I met in a coffee shop who spoke on a condition of anonymity because he is not allowed to say anything about anything of importance.

Wal-Mart’s secret of success is...

The Male Shopper

and

End of Aisle Displays of Clothes Hangers Priced at 12 for a Dollar

Here is how it works...

• It all begins when a Male Shoppers go to Wal-Mart looking for beer and pretzels.
• He comes upon the End of Aisle 12 for a Dollar Clothes Hanger Display.
• The male shopper is not that experienced at shopping but 12 of anything for a dollar is one of his hot buttons.
• He buys his beer, pretzels and bargain hangers and, feeling very good about himself, he heads for home.
• Once home he hangs his 12 new hangers in the closet and sits in front of his TV to watch whatever sporting event is on at the present time with a cold beer and lots of pretzels.
• While he is watching TV, his wife goes into the closet and finds the 12 empty hangers.
• She is struck with amazement because she thought all hangers in her closet had clothes hanging on them.
• She says to herself, “Golly gee! How did this happen? I’m going to Wal-Mart this very minute and buy 12 new outfits, blouses, jeans or whatevers that I have always wanted.”
• There is no way he can help but buy those hangers and there is no way she cannot head right out to fill those hangers up with stuff.
• It is in their DNA.

There you have it. The secret of how Wal-Mart has become the retail giant that America has come to love and/or hate.

Would I kid u?

The Proper Way To Handle The Bad Guys ... Or Is It?

Anonymous says: Not just a bathroom book. Useful at stop lights also.

Once upon a time...
Some ruffians started tripping people as they walked by.

*The whole country started speculating as to why these guys started tripping people as they walked by...

• Some said we ought to wait and see if the tripping was accidental.
• Some said it did not look premeditated.
• Some said that some of the trippers looked sorry.
• Some speculated about the trippers being uncoordinated.
• Some sought federal funding for a study into the trippers upbringing.
• Some blamed their unfortunate behavior on the fact that school yard dodge ball had not yet been banned when they had gone through Elementary School.
• Some said that we ought to make sure that they, in fact, did not have a constitutional right to trip people.

Escalation #1: One day the tripping escalated into punching.
Escalation #2: The next thing we knew the trippers/punchers had turned to mugging.
Escalation #3: Before we knew what hit us the trippers/punchers/muggers were robbing banks.
Escalation #4: Low and behold all of a sudden the trippers/punchers/muggers/robbers were planting bombs.

After all four escalations above (see * above) similar analyses were conducted as to what had happened to cause each escalation.

As society crumbled into itself the intellectuals amongst us argued, “We should refrain from taking any kind of concerted and/or forceful action against the trippers/punchers/muggers/robbers/bombers because doing so might make them mad.”

There is a similarity between the above Foolishness and Iran, North Korea and 1930s Germany. I'm sure you see it ... Or do you?

Would I kid u?

On a lighter note (but maybe related to the above Foolishness)... If you have a brand new gold tooth in the front of your mouth, don’t smile at a mugger.

Church Weddings Are Getting To Be A Thing Of The Past

Anonymous says: This book is something special!

 

 

The other day I was looking thru the Marriage Section of my local paper and I noticed that not one of the three announcements that day reported that the engaged were getting married in a church. Instead they were holding their ceremonies...

• In a restaurant
• On a beach
• At a big fancy hotel

Some particularly unusual places in which I have seen people getting married recently were...

• Skydiving from a plane
• While scuba diving

To me the best one is the Big Fancy Hotel because, if the marriage does not work out, the feuding former guests can just go thru Check Out.

Would I kid u?

Lindsay Lohan Arithmetic

Anonymous says: I'm gonna buy another one!

If you were like me you were riveted to your TV two weeks ago as we witnessed our Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 90 days in jail. The look of shock and horror on Lindsay’s face told the whole awful story as the judge gave her 30 days in jail and then added 30 more days in jail and finally another 30 days in jail. That is a total of 90 days in jail. It was hard to watch.

Yesterday poor Lindsey reported to authorities and, sure enough, was locked behind bars. She walked in like the trooper we all know her to be. It was darn near inspirational.

That late Paul Harvey guy is looking over my computer again. Guess what? He told me to tell you The Rest of the Story...

• I read today that 90 days is not as many days as 90 days used to be.
• A spokesman for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department said that Lindsey will be released from jail on August 1st or 2nd.
• An August 1st release is only the 12th day of her incarceration.
• Let’s add one more day to 12 days and see if that adds to 90 days.
• Nope, that does not do it because that is only 13 days.
• The Sheriff’s Department went on to say that Lindsay will only serve a quarter of her sentence.
• Father Hatrell taught me that a quarter of something is 25%.
• I just got my calculator out found out that 12 days is 13% of 90 days and not 25%.
• Since I did so well on that calculation I forged on and found out that 13 days is 14% of 90 days and still not 25%.

What am I missing here?

Ah ha! Here is the answer. A Sheriff’s Department Official said the projected release date was arrived at because of, “all the credits Lohan is likely to receive.”

• Did her looking so shocked in court earn her a credit?
• Did the fact that she cried in court earn her a credit?
• Did the fact that her attorney dropped her as a client like a hot potato right after the judge threw the book at her earn her a tax credit? (In hindsight it was a very small book.) 

If you want to speculate about what credits Lindsay might have received, use the Comments Procedure at the bottom of this posting and let the world hear your thoughts (foolish thoughts would be appreciated).

The article went on to report that Lohan surrendered at a Beverly Hills Courthouse and was immediately whisked away to an all-women’s jail in Lynwood. Quoting from the article, “She will serve her time in an Isolation Unit that has previously hosted Paris Hilton.”

I trust that you took note that “incarcerated” has been replaced by “hosted”.

Lindsay was heard to say that she was glad she took acting lessons. Those lessons turned her tearful and heart wrenching apology into a work of art. This all means she will not have to share the Isolation Unit’s Jacuzzi with some low life whose apology was not as near as sincere as her apology was.

Would I kid u?

Common Sense Improvements To The Game Of Soccer

 

 

Anonymous Says: I wish I could go to the bathroom more often!

 

 

From the Round of Sixteen onward Spain beat Portugal, Paraguay, Germany and Netherlands all by the exact same score of 1 to 0 ... Whoopie Doo!

Now the The World Cup has come and gone it is time to consider how to ... Liven Up The Game of Soccer.

I’m ready to take on this challenge. I’m sitting here pecking out this posting with the able assistance of Jack Nicholson and he just told me that you should not be too quick to say you are also ready to address this thorny issue unless, You Can Handle The Truth!

Here is what should be done to the game of Soccer...

• The Spoil Sport ... I ask you what is the biggest hindrance to livening up Soccer? I am certain that each and every one of you just said out loud, “The Goalie”. The fix is as simple as saying out loud what the problem is ... Get Rid of the Goalie!
• The Goal Itself ... The other obvious problem. The darn things are too small. We need scoring! Make the Goal twice as long and twice as high as it presently is.
• More Scoring ... How exciting can a final score of 1 to 0 be? Removing the Goalie and enlarging the Goals ought to go a long way towards soccer fans getting to see some 68 to 67 final scores.
• No Time Outs ... Ever wonder where the riots come from? If you combine a large mass of beer drinking males with the inability to go to the rest room, you have the makings of a one heck of a riot. You just know they are not going to leave during the middle of the match. They would never forgive themselves if they missed that day’s goal.
• The Tie ... Jack Nicholson just said, “A tie is like kissing your sister”. Some of these World Cup matches ended in a tie and the fans went crazy because they had “won”. Vince Lombardi, if he were alive, probably turned over in his grave when he saw those fans celebrating their 0 to 0 “victory”.

Picture this. A sweat drenched and exhilarated Soccer Fan on his knees with his hands folded, looking up to heaven and thanking God saying,

All my life I have dreamed that my team would play to a tie in a

World Cup Soccer Match!

Would I kid u?

Franchise Applications Being Accepted

Anonymous says: "Delightful!"

 This is your chance to make a fortune and retire or re-retire without winning the lottery. I know you all are on the edge of your seats, so I’ll get right to the details...

We are already aware of how American Females are obsessed with their cell phones.

They must be in constant communication with someone ... anyone ... at all times.

Nothing could exemplify this obsession better than the lady who last week dialed a wrong number and spent twenty-three minutes talking to the lady who answered the call on the other end. At the end of the twenty-three minute conversation each of the talkers knew what each had served for dinner the night before, what was planned in each house for dinner that very night, where the latest bargains were to be had, what each person’s political leanings were and how each was coming along in their ongoing quest to straighten out their husbands. One of the women is excited to be going to the Bar Mitzvah of the other’s youngest child, even though she is not sure exactly what a Bar Mitzvah is.

Having established the American Female’s love of the cell phone, allow me to link the Cell Phone to Female Muslim Garb and making your fortune...

• I was in a store the other day and I observed a Muslim Woman shopping in her Muslim Garb.
• This was not a full body covering but was the robe looking thing with the tight head scarf over her head.
• The key is the Tight Head Scarf.
• Our Muslim Lady Friend had secured her cell phone to her head by tucking it securely under her Tight Head Scarf.

There it is! Once the American Female Cell Phone Talker gets wind of how Muslim Garb can enhance their desire for constant communication, there will be a mad rush to my franchised Muslim Garb Stores.

What about men? There is no market here for men because they are not into cell phones that much to begin with and they do not spend enough time shopping to have to worry about what to do with their cell phones. They just run in, grab their beer and head for check out.

Send your $10,000 Franchise Fee to:
I Am Kidding You Again
10000 Silly Way
Foolishness, GA 10000

Would I kid u?

Who Says I Have To Watch Where I Am Going?

Anonymous Says:
I wish I had written this book!




I read recently that a lawsuit had been filed for over $100,000 because a person, while using Google Map Walking Instructions, was injured by a car in an area where there were no sidewalks.

The lawsuit says, “As a direct and proximate cause of defendant Google’s careless, reckless and negligent providing of unsafe directions, plaintiff was led onto a dangerous highway, and was thereby stricken by a motor vehicle.”

Are we to the point in our Collective Disintegration where we no longer have to look out for our own well being because we have been given permission to do something stupid by someone or something else (like a computer).

In the future are we going to see such happenings as shown below?

• Signage: Slippery When Wet ... Unless Google Maps sent you.
• Hiking: This is the edge of a cliff. Do not take one step further ... Unless you were sent here by Google Maps. If that be the case, go right ahead.
• Highway Travel: Your honor, my client wasted a lot of time. He trusted that Google Maps would quickly get him to Georgetown, Maine but he ended up in Phoenix, Arizona. I am sure the court will agree that a huge settlement is due my trusting but badly deceived client.

Would I kid u?

Another Visit To The Post Office

As faithful readers of my Blog you are aware that I am a keen observer of the U.S. Post Office. There have been at least three brilliant? commentaries by the Smartfella? on this subject. The one I received the most commentaries on is Out Of Print, you might say. It was called My Visit to the Post Office.

You can't read it because I published it on a service I no longer use and, since I stopped using them, they are mad at me and won't allow access to any of my Blog Postings anymore.

Another Visit To The Post Office

7/8/10

Part 1…
I was in my local Post Office the other day and I was pleased to read a notice on the wall about how our U.S. Postal Service is in the processing of spending $30 million on New Signage.

I think spending $30 million on those new “Next Window Please” signs will be money well spent.

Part 2…
I walked into my Post Office and was thrilled to find that I was first in line. That was most exciting! Being first in line had never happened to me before.

There was only one counter agent on duty. The rest were behind the wall drinking their fruity drinks with those little umbrellas in them. I was not concerned. I knew I would be on my way in a few moments because a single person at the counter take could not take very long.

I watched intently as the one agent served the one customer. I watched. I watched. I watched. As I was watching I noticed that the agent was developing Cobwebs between his arms and the trunk of his body and the counter itself. The more Cobwebs that formed the slower he moved. It became apparent that the Cobwebs were a real draw down on his performance. They were severely hurting his productivity. He kept going slower and slower.

When I got up to the counter I told the agent that the U.S. Postal Service ought to hire new employees to stand next to all counter agents and, by using something like feather dusters, these new employees could whisk the Cobwebs away as soon as they formed.

At first I had second thoughts thinking he might be offended. Actually he became real excited and thanked me profusely. He said he would put this idea into the suggestion box. He felt confident that his chance of winning the monthly $1,000 Best Suggestion of the Month Award was excellent.

He offered to share the award with me but I declined. I told him I, being representative of the American Public, was very appreciative of all that the U.S. Postal Service does for us. He said, “Yea, I know.”

Part 3…
Some of what I pecked out above is not true. This part is absolutely true...

When I Left My Post Office There Were Eight People Waiting In Line

Would I kid u?

The Nuts Are Going Fast … or is it? … Atlanta Car Drivers Are Going Nuts Fast

Anonymous says, "This is one great bathroom book!"





In the last 24 hours I have witnessed crazy happenings on the streets of the Atlanta Metropolitan Area…

We all have seen cars go by where the driver forgot to close the gas cap door and the gas cap itself is hanging out of the open door on that little stringy thing.

• What I saw was the gas cap door closed but the gas cap had not been replaced before the gas cap door had been closed.
• It was hanging and dangling as the car rolled along with the door closed on the stringy thing.

A driver had forgotten to close the rear hatch on a SUV and I watched the car go past me in the grocery parking lot, out of the parking lot and into the street.

• There were just a couple of bags of groceries back there.
• There was no long piece of cargo sticking out of the rear hatch that prevented it from being closed.

In Georgia we have a new law starting July 1, 2010 which makes it illegal to Text & Drive at the same time.

• One of my fellow drivers had decided that the safe thing to do was to stop the vehicle while sending that all important tidbit of miscellaneous trivia.
• The problem was that the vehicle had been stopped in the right hand lane of an active four lane road (2 one way and 2 the other way).
• I came close to hitting the “safe” car in its rear.

I may be foolish but I am not crazy. I think I’m going to stay inside my house for a few years. By that time the nuts will be smart … or will they? WhatDoYouThink?

Would I kid u?