I’m Going To Be Rich and You Are Not

I am telling all of you my plan because I know you can't take my idea and beat me to my millions. I have the whole masterful plan of action copyrighted, patented and locked away in my safe deposit box. Sit back and be amazed at my genius…

Over and over we are being "treated" to one Important Person after another apologizing for every conceivable type of transgression. After watching and reading umpteen of these heart-rending performances, I have detected a discernible pattern to their stand-up routines. I have put together a way for these famous people to streamline their confessions/apologies and save all of us a lot of viewing and/or reading time.

I'm going to sell packages of one-liners that famous people can use to convey to us their sincere and heartfelt contrition...
1. I wish to apologize to all of my fans and supporters for betraying the trust they have placed in me.
2. I know the sorrow I have caused.
3. I accept full responsibility for my actions.
4. I have found Jesus.
5. I apologize to my wife.
6. I apologize to my children.
7. I feel your pain.
8. I especially apologize to The Children who have looked up to me as a role model.
9. I am so deeply sorry.
10. There have been many who have tried to get me to see the error of my ways and I feel especially bad for the sorrow I have caused them by rejecting their sage advice.

That's the list. Here is the time saving and money making part...
I will offer packages of the above excuses to these important people for a fee. (Always remember: They are important, we are not.)

For example, our sorrowful famous person can just step up to the mike and say, "APAL Package # 3". (“APAL” stands for Advanced Packaged Apology Listing.) He can then step away from the mike and go do lunch. The assembled news media will already have been given a list of APAL Packages. They can refer to their APAL List and scurry away to file their stories.

APAL Price List:
Package #1 all 10...$5,000.
Package #2 will be made up of #'s 1,2,3,4,7,8,10...$4,000.
Package #3 will be made up of #'s 2,3,5,6,7...$3,500.
Package #4 will be made up of #'s 4,7,8...$3,000.
Package #5 will be made up of #'s 4,7...$2,000.
(You will notice that #7 is in all packages.)

I have decided not to offer any packages of less than two excuses for the obvious reason that the adoring public may begin to doubt the sincerity of the important person if he only used one excuse. We would not want that to happen, would we?

Would I kid u?

I Just May Be Picky

This blog posting was originally created Sunday, February 24, 2008. You may remember there was a Presidential Campaign raging at that time. I’m truly sorry to have reminded you of this chaotic time in your recent past.

Right away you will see that I am referring to Hillary Clinton. DO NOT jump to the false conclusion that this is a political posting. It is actually a posting about the sorry state that all of us (you, me and Hillary) are surrounded by.

What ticked me off back on February 22, 2008 was the News Media ... again. In the Atlanta Journal Constitution there is short article on page A4 that was headlined...

"Clinton tells fans to vote early"

You may ask what's wrong with that. Don’t you see the offending word? It's the word "fans". It's not "supporters" but "fans". It's like this is some kind of game. Some of us may laugh and say it is a game but a Presidential Campaign is serious stuff. Campaigns ought to be talked about by the News Media in serious terms.

It's the same as when a politician concludes a news conference and the News Media refers to how the news conference came off by saying it was a "performance". This is not a stage play. It is politics. Politics may be shameful but politics should be treated as serious shameful stuff.

Don't get me started about the "congregations" in our churches being referred to as "audiences".

Oh my gosh! ... I am picky.

Would I kid u?

A Marriage Ceremony Was Once A Solemn Occasion

Recently I read an article in my newspaper about a large marriage ceremony in Japan…
 At first I said, “Self, ain’t that nice.”
 After I read on a bit of the article I said, “Self, that ain’t nice.”
 After the full impact of what I read had fully sunk in, I said to myself, “Self, that ain’t even legal … or is it?”

Here is part of the article of which I speak…
“TOKYO – Almost everyone stood when the bride walked down the aisle in her white gown, but not the wedding conductor, because she was bolted to her chair.
The nuptials at this ceremony were led by "I-Fairy," a 4-foot (1.5-meter) tall seated robot with flashing eyes and plastic pigtails. Sunday's wedding was the first time a marriage had been led by a robot, according to manufacturer Kokoro Co.
The wedding took place at a restaurant in Hibiya Park in central Tokyo, where the I-Fairy wore a wreath of flowers and directed a rooftop ceremony. Wires led out from beneath it to a black curtain a few feet (meters) away, where a man crouched and clicked commands into a computer.”

There you go again, dear reader. You think the Smartfella? has made all of this up. For the life of me, I don’t know why you would think I was capable of such foolishness.

Technology is changing the world around at an amazing speed. Not all of these changes are for the better. Not all of these changes make sense…
 We have “progressed” to the point where people will sit is coffee shops texting messages to people who are across the table from them.
 There are some amongst us who think, if a cell phone rings while they are in their homes, they must get into their cars and start driving before they can answer the phone.
 Some of us could always spell better than others of us. With the coming of Texting & Instant Messaging there is absolutely no attempt to spell correctly. Cute has replaced Correct.
 The word “punctuation” is not spelled correctly but many of our young people do not know what the word means (or used to mean).

Now we have robots taking over such used-to-be-important things as Performing Marriage Ceremonies. How long will it be before we see the likes of…
 Robots going on vacation for us because we are too tired to go ourselves.
 All forty plus members of the latest Super Bowl Championship Team are robots and their fanatical followers (painted from head to toe in their team colors) are proclaiming that football is better than ever.
 A team of robots taking the final exams at Brain Surgery University while the future brain surgeons drink beer is a nearby Jacuzzi.

Would I kid u?

Going To Mass Used To Be Dangerous

When I was growing up going to mass was a very precarious venture. Allow me to explain…
 Up until that time in Catholic Church History there had never been any Rest Rooms in our churches.
 In fact, it was a mortal sin to do such a thing in a church.
 It was probably a venial sin to even think of doing any such a thing in a church.
 Back then we had sins but now we just express ourselves, do our own things or something like that.
 Catholic Children would walk up the aisle, genuflect, make the sign of the cross on their little selves and with rosary beads and prayer books in their little hands slide into the pew, kneel down and pray fervently that God would forgive them for their evil ways.

That was then and this is now…
 We now have Rest Rooms in all our churches.
 Our children are never told about mortal or venial sins because we don’t want to cause them to suffer from worry, guilt or any such thing that might prevent them from developing into the full flower of wonderful human beings that modern parents are programming them to become.
 Catholic Children are now dragged up the aisle carrying several action figures, a coloring book, crayons and a plastic bag of fruit loops.
 There is never a rosary or prayer book because the little darlings have only two arms and very small hands and can only carry so much.
 Within minutes of arriving in their pews, after they have spread their mass paraphernalia all over the pew and the floor, they announce that they have to go to the Rest Room.
 If the modern parent shows any hesitation the child (who is in full control of the situation) announces, “If I don’t get to go potty right now, I am going to die.”
 The horrified modern parent immediately jumps up and leads little modern catholic by the hand back to the Rest Room (actually the children could lead the way because they know from past experience where the Rest Rooms are).
 It does not matter how solemn or holy the part of the mass that is currently in process, when the child makes the Rest Room Demand the parent springs into action.
 This past Sunday I saw a three year old make a Rest Room Demand two times within five minutes (poor little thing must have been having issues).

Remember the subject of this blog? If not, I’ll save you the trouble of scrolling up...

Going To Mass Used To Be Dangerous.

Why was it so dangerous? Don’t you see it? ...
In the old days several of Rest Room Deprived children who were going to die if they did not get to the Rest Room immediately did die at every mass. As the survivors tried to exit the church, they tripped over the deceased little bodies and fell on their collective faces. There was a lot of Catholics that stumbled out of church back then with bloody noses. It was awful!

Would I kid u?

We Don’t Understand What To Cheer For Anymore

Follow the Money.
It’s the American Way.

Recently I saw a news article with the following quote in it, “Many cheered as demolition crews razed an old auto-parts plant to make way for a new casino.”

I would feel better if the quote went something like this, “Many cheered as demolition crews razed an old casino to make way for a new auto-parts plant.”

The Smartfella? understands what’s going on here. The casino will employ people. Employing people is a good thing. I just wish this society was building plants that build things.

Yes, I also know that the casino’s paychecks will support families, individuals and Indians. I just wish our society was not populated by people who go to these casinos to spend a lot of time, lose a lot of money and come away saying something like, “I know I lost my paycheck but I was entertained.”

I really wish some of these “entertainment” seekers would come over to my house and give me their “entertainment” money. I would even promise to use it to buy some auto parts. I could use a new coon tail for my antenna.

Would I kid u?

Hardship Case

There was a time when the National Basketball Association tried to protect High School Students by not allowing them to be drafted into the NBA.

Enter the Hardship Case…

• High School Students saw the money and decided they wanted the money.
• They found lawyers and/or agents (or lawyers and/or agents found them) who would take the NBA to court and claim infringement, mitigating circumstances, mental anguish or some such things.
• The lawyers/agents contended that the poor high school students were destitute and needed money to support their struggling mother or struggling father or struggling brothers or struggling sisters or struggling lawyers/agents.
• The lawyers/agents had to come up with a hook (they are good at that) so they called their client’s need to leave high school and join the NBA a “Hardship Case”.

It worked like a charm. In short order the lawyers/agents had lots of Hardship Clients (Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, etc.). All of a sudden there was a steady stream of kid basketball players in the NBA who were using their multimillion dollar paychecks to stock their new multi-car garages with more cars than they needed.

Almost at once they had lots of “friends” around them ready to help them spend their Hardship Money. For most of them spending money came easy.

All too soon all too many of them found themselves looking around and wondering where their friends and their money had gone. For some reason the friends leave as soon as the money leaves.

Having watched so many of these hardship cases come and go I now see what the real rush to get out of high school was all about. These young men were really anxious to become…

Broke And Destitute Former NBA Super Star Millionaires

We have another name for these people in our society. We call them…

High School Dropouts

Would I kid u?

Foolishness...Or Is It? ... The Book!

You have probably been saying to yourself for years, "I wish the Smartfella? would write a book and incorporate into it a healthly dose of his wonderful Foolishness...Or Is Its?."

What is that you say? You say you don't care whether I wrote a book or not? I am shocked!

Well, no matter what you think, I wrote the book anyway and you can buy your copy using this link ... http://www.createspace.com/3424086.

It is not a cheap book. It is high quality expensive book that you can buy for a cheap price.

Dare I be so foolish to as to say that those of you who do buy it will be glad you did? ... I hope.
AlexO

PS: To place your order, you will be asked to sign in to CreateSpace (the group that published the book). It is not complicated...You can do it!
PPS: After you have thoroughly enjoyed my book, please tell your many neighbors, relatives, friends and enemies to buy their own cheap copy.

Give Me The Credit I Deserve!

Even Snidely Whiplash would have denied his evil deeds.

Things certainly have changed and not for the better. It is hard to shrug this off by simply saying, “That’s Progress.”

Out in our world today is this hard to believe situation…
Someone blows up something and kills a bunch of innocent people and immediately competing organizations claim responsibility. Many times we hear that the competing organizations are claiming “credit”.

Credit? … Is that word not intended to be used when you have done something for which you are proud? Are they really proud of the fact that they have blown up something and killed a bunch of innocent people?

I’m sorry to tell you that they do appear to be very proud.

This Foolishness…Or Is It? is too sad to be funny and I wish I were kidding you.

Giant Sucking Sound (Revised April 10, 2022)

Figbrut Just Went Poof

Some Blog Postings are easier than others. For me this is one of these easy ones.

First: A 5-Minute Video about Green Energy that someone else created...

https://www.prageru.com/video/how-much-energy-will-the-world-need?utm_source=Iterable&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=campaign_3965824

Second: Another 5-Minute Video about Green Energy that someone else created...

https://www.prageru.com/video/whats-wrong-with-wind-and-solar

Last: A Blog Posting I did 12 Years Ago...

Mission accomplished...Two Videos that will make you Think and a Blog Posting that will make you Laugh and then Think and then Laugh Again (Especially, if you read it again)

May 11, 2010 (Revised April 10, 2022)

Giant Sucking Sound (Revised April 10, 2022)

The Kingston Trio was wrong way back in 1959 when they predicted the bomb would do us in…

But we can be thankful, and tranquil and proud,

For man’s been endowed with a mushroom-shaped cloud.

And we know for certain that some lovely day...

Someone will set the spark off and we will all be blown away!

Activate your mind’s eye and follow along with me…

In 1859 "Colonel" Edwin Drake succeeded in drilling an oil well in Pennsylvania. It just so happened that at that very moment Zerk on the planet Zxnon was observing the Planet Earth (Zxnon calls Earth, Figbrut). Drake’s gushing well caught Zerk’s attention and he said to himself, “I’m going to watch what happens on Figbrut for a while”.

Over the years since that day Zerk has watched mankind discover oil field after oil field, dig coal mine after coal mine, pull up gagzillion tons of natural gas from way down there somewhere and take out of the Figbrut all sorts of things like diamonds, gold, silver, chromium, uranium, zinc, copper, iron ore, other gems of all kind, lithium, neodymium, silicon, nickel, salt, colbalt, graphite and potatoes. 

The whole time he watched he kept thinking about whether or not those funny looking (no antennas coming out of their heads) humans down there understood the consequences of what they were doing to their planet. He felt certain that they did not understand the consequences because of the frenetic pace at which they kept sucking and hauling the insides of Figbrut to the surface. He kept on watching (Zxnonians live a long time and are known throughout the universe for their patience).

Then in Figbrut’s year 2067 his instruments picked up land mass vibrations from the Figbrut’s insides and, as he watched, the blue ball collapsed into itself. In the blink of an eye it was covered with smoke and fire. When the dust had settled the Figbrut was wobbling around its sun looking like a raisin that was about half the size of what it had been.

The Space Watchers in the other cubicles around Zerk’s saw what had happening and inquired as to what was going on. Zerk explained by using the example of a Peelquat (a Zxnonian cantelope) that had had all its insides sucked out. It simply collapsed into itself because there was no there there to support its outer surface. He said, “Figbrut Just Went Poof”.

I’m sure glad I will not be around in 2067.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Watch Out For These Guys

In a prior, (certainly another very well appreciated) Foolishness…Or Is It? I warned you, my loyal readers, about the dangers of living next door to a Nice Guy. This was based on the fact that after all mass murderers have done their mass murdering our intrepid news media is certainly going to conduct an interview where the interviewee will say that the killer was really a Nice Guy.

Of course, my warning to all of you who had a Nice Guy living next door was to move away as quickly as possible.

Please heed this new Dire Warning of mine ... If you live next door to a person with Three Names, you better call the moving van…

• Lee Harvey Oswald
• James Earl Ray
• John Wilkes Booth
• John Wayne Gacy
• Mark David Chapman
• Jack The Ripper
• Khalid Sheik Mohammed

It makes no difference if you moved when I told you about the Nice Guy Danger. This is serious business. You are just going to have to move again.

I would never forgive myself, if I neglected to tell you about the Three Name Guy Danger, and you came to harm because I was worried about a little inconvenience to you.

Look at it this way … It is a good time to buy a house.

Would I kid u?

Never Heard Of This one

In my local newspaper on May 4, 2010 I see where a lady was, “Arrested on charges she harbored an illegal ruckus on her property.”

The Dictionary tells me that a “ruckus” is, “a noisy commotion; fracas; rumpus”.

OK, that about what I expected a Ruckus would be but what I don’t understand is the “illegal” part of our lady’s issues with the county.

If you wanted to have a Legal Ruckus at your house, do you have to jump through certain bureaucratic hoops? …

• Do you have to go to the courthouse and get a Ruckus Permit?
• Do you have to pay a fee?
• Why do you have to pay a fee?
• Are you allowed to serve liquor?
• Are there any minimum age restrictions?
• When your Ruckus is over, do you have to notify the authorities that you have terminated your Fully Authorized Legal Ruckus and that you are all Ruckused Out?

If there is a minimum age restriction, I think that would be a great mistake. We should all agree that the young people of the good ole USofA are quite capable of creating quite a ruckus.

“Illegal Ruckus” you can add this to the list of things I don’t understand. That list is getting bigger each day.

Would I kid u?

The Mother Of All Understatements

On May 5, 2010 here is what was happening in Greece…

• > Tens of thousands of people took to the streets in a nationwide strike to protest new taxes and government spending cuts. 
• > Riots over harsh new austerity measures left three bank workers dead and engulfed the streets of Athens. 
• > Angry protesters tried to storm parliament.
• Molotov cocktails were hurled at police and buildings were torched.
• Police responded with barrages of tear gas.
• On the streets of Athens, demonstrators chanted "Thieves, thieves!" as they attempted to break through a riot police cordon guarding Parliament.
• Protesters chased ceremonial guards away from the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in front of Parliament.
• Tear gas drifted across the city center as rioters hurled paving stones and fire bombs at police.
• Firefighters extinguished blazes at least two buildings — the bank and a branch of the Finance Ministry — while protesters set up burning barricades and torched cars and a fire truck.
• Police said 12 people were injured in the riots.
• Journalists also walked off the job, suspending television and radio news broadcasts.
• Violence also broke out in the northern city of Thessaloniki, where another 20,000 people marched through the city center and some youths smashed store windows.

Now for The Mother of All Understatements. This is a quote from an article in The Wall Street Journal…
“We may have an uprising in the making,” one senior Greek official said.

I’m not kidding you but I dare say that this Senior Greek Official is kidding himself.

Harvard Is The Problem

On the front page of my newspaper today (May 6, 2010) is an article headlined…

New U.S. Push to Regulate Internet

I read the article twice but did not understand a lot of it. I said to myself, “Self, why do you not understand it? You went to college. You are well read. You are on the verge of publishing your first book. Ernest Hemingway was once on the verge of publishing his first book. What’s wrong with you?” (Note: I talk to myself a lot.)

Then it dawned on me. I could not understand it because it was full of Harvard Speak. This is a language unto itself that only Harvard Graduates (and a few Princeton or Yale Graduates) can understand.

The Folks Back Home (that’s us) are kept in the dark because so many of our leaders are graduates of this prestigious university. We will never be able to comprehend what they are doing to us. As soon as possible we need to make a dramatic shift in the good ole USofA!

We need to stop having so many of these Harvard Graduates in charge of everything. We need to turn over this country to professors from colleges out in the heartland of America. We need people from educational institutions with names like, Willow Valley Community College (Motto: We are here to serve you three days a week.)

Regarding this article here is a comparison of what we have now to what we would have if my somewhat brilliant idea came to pass…

• Harvard Speak … This regulation would see to it that the American People enjoy the benefits of an optimal synchronized transitional time-phase projection shift.
• Willow Valley Speak … We will not allow that to happen because it would not be nice.

Now would that not be better?

Since I am now at the bottom of this Foolishness…Or Is It? I will give you The Bottom Line …

As I have stated above, I can’t figure out what this article is dictating to me but I know for sure that, when all the dust is settled, the folks back home will get to “enjoy” a new Revenue Enhancement (formerly known as a Tax Increase).

Would I kid u?

We Are Being Too Tough On Iran … Or Or We?

For years now we are reading almost every news day about the measures we are taking to make sure that Iran does not obtain Nuclear Weapons. Iran is living in great fear about what we are doing to control their Nuclear Ambitions (if you could get someone to commit to give you a quarter every time you hear or read the words “Iran’s Nuclear Ambitions”, you would become wealthy very quickly).

Dear reader, here is where I need your help. Every since I was a small child I have lacked the ability to rank things in order of severity. Please help me overcome this shortcoming of mine.

Here is what our leaders have been calling the sanctions we are inflicting on this outlaw nation…

• Significant sanctions.
• Meaningful sanctions.
• Binding sanctions.
• Dire sanctions.
• Enhanced sanctions.
• Strong sanctions.
• Unified sanctions.
• Crippling sanctions.
• Economic sanctions.
• Renewed sanctions.
• Severe sanctions.

I will not get into combinations of the above because I don’t want to confuse you, as you try so hard to help me out of my dilemma (i.e.: Strong Binding, Severe Enhanced, Crippling Economic, etc.)

Please take a few moments to rank these sanctions in order of how effective they will be in getting Iran’s Nuclear Ambitions under control. It will probably be easy for you but I find this very difficult.

If any one of you spends two minutes worrying about these sanctions for me, that will be more time spent worrying about them then have the rulers of Iran spent worrying about them.

If you think I am being Foolish again in the above paragraph, don't think so fast. At this time the United Nations is in negotiations with itself about the fourth round of U.N. Economic Sanctions against Iran. What you want to bet that Iran was not aware of the first, second and third rounds of U.N. Economic Sanctions?

Getting back to my request for ranking help, I am sure that the muckity-mucks of our State Department would be able to do this ranking in short order. I would send this request to them but they have ignored other inquiries about equally important issues I have sent them in the past. That’s another thing I don’t understand.

Would I kid u?

We Have Got To Educate Our Wrong Doers

As a society we all share in the responsibility to educate those among us who would do us harm. They work as hard as any of us to ply their “trade”. It is such a shame when we see them struggling, as in this story I recently read about several of my fellow Georgians...

• Five people were into building homemade dynamite-like explosive devices in the basement of their unassuming home.
• Some of their handiwork, like wick-fed seven-inch tubes packed with explosives, nails and screws were specifically constructed to do great bodily harm.
• Four of the entrepreneurs (including a grandmother of 10 and a great-grandmother of 14) were driving around with two of their bad things in their car when police stopped them, searched the vehicle and found their deadly cargo.
• Back at their unassuming home police also found Molotov Cocktails.
• Police stopped them because their vehicle had a suspicious homemade drive-out tag on it.
• They were stopped for an Improper Registration Violation.

Do you see what went wrong in their endeavor? If you are going to carry around such things, DO NOT CALL ATTENTION TO YOUR VEHICLE!

I am days away from publishing my first Foolishness…Or Is It? book. (You will be able to buy it on Amazon.com shortly). I have already been toying with the idea of going right into Volume 2 but I just may have to start directing my mediocre talents toward a Handbook For Evil Doers. One of my first bits of advice will be, Be Very Sneaky.

First a title for my Self-Help Manual…

Dos and Don’ts for Evil Doers
A Step-By-Step Plan of Action for Creating
Maximum Destruction and Mayhem.

Would I kid u?

The Federal Government Is Going Too Far … Again

I found this in my local newspaper on April 29, 2010…

“Seattle ---- The federal government would become the owner of four notorious Seattle-area strip clubs under plea agreements being filed Wednesday.”

The rest of the article is not important. This is the part that should alarm all clear thinking Americans. The Federal Government Is Going Too Far!

The Federal Government has been butting heads lately with the likes of Big Oil, Big Tobacco, Big Hamburger and Big Automobile but now they are going after Big Stripper.

Our government is about to have a vested interest in seeing Strip Clubs prosper because it will own the Strip Clubs. Capitalization will certainly rear its ugly head as our rulers become fixated on making a profit.

Here is what all of this could mean for the future of our struggling Republic...

• Strip Clubs popping up all over the country.
• Instead getting your tax refund in dollars, will we find ourselves receiving vouchers to our neighborhood strip club.
• Our University Systems will start offering degrees in Strip Club Management.
• We will see Public Service Announcements on TV educating us all that Strippers and Strip Club Owners are people too (just like trees and animals).

Would I kid u?