Sunday, May 28, 2017

I’m In a Panic! What If I Can’t Buy Beer?

Yesterday I was asked to show my Driver’s License before I was allowed to buy beer. I got to thinking about this. Is it possible that the Beer Sellers in the Good Ole USofA cannot tell that I am over 21?

 

This is when my panic started into high gear. I am very far over 21. I am so far over 21 that it might be possible that the State of Georgia will refuse to renew my driver’s license next time I am required to renew it.

 

If they did refuse to renew it, I would not be able to buy any more beer, since the Beer Sellers can’t tell I am over 21! That would be awful!

 

I may be sliding down that Over the Hill Hill but my mind is still resourceful. I came up with and have implemented a Plan of Action that will keep me drinking beer for the foreseeable future...

I had my wife use my iPhone to take a video of me when I woke up this morning and tried to get out of bed and take my first six steps!

That will do the trick for sure. From now on whenever I am asked for my Beer Identification, I will take out my iPhone and show my struggling attempt to start my day video and I will be allowed to buy my beer and to start my walk home with my beer in hand.

 

What’s that you just said about walking? Don’t you remember that they are going to take away my driver’s license? Did you forget already?

 

Just how old are you? If they have not stopped your beer purchases, they will probably do so any day now. Keep your iPhone handy.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Acknowledging My Own Ignorance

Fermented Foods are good for us all. In my own case I have been introduced to Fermented Pickles. Up until now I have been completely ignorant about Fermented Pickles let alone the boundless wonders of Fermentation.

 

Here is the Fermentation Is Good For Us List...

Ø Is can aid digestion.

Ø It can restore the colonies of healthy bacteria (flora) in the gut. (Gut is another name for the Alimentary Canal. Alimentary Canal is the place where food is digested and adsorbed into the body. This includes the stomach and the intestines.)

Ø It can lessen or reduce allergies.

Ø It can reduce plaque bacteria in the mouth, resulting in fewer cavities and healthier gums.

Ø It can cause people to lose weight more easily.

Ø It can help prevent arthritis.

Ø It can help prevent atherosclerosis.

 

It looks to me like, if I start bulking up on Fermented Foods, Medicare is going to have to come after me in about 30 years and beat me to death with a stick.

 

I sure hope they come out to take that stick to me right before I run out of money.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

It’s At Times Like These That My Dear Readers Are Thankful That They Are My Dear Readers

There is much in the news at present about Saudi Arabia and a new face is being presented regarding this Kingdom and how they treat women.

 

Historically Saudi Arabia has not allowed women to be full participants in their work force and, shockingly, has not allowed women to drive cars.

 

A very eloquent spokesman was interviewed last night on the news show I was watching and he spoke up in defense of his country...

Ø Women are now being allowed into the workforce and they are not artificially being barred from rising as far as their abilities will take them.

Ø To prove his point he said that there actually are Saudi Arabian Women who have been promoted into positions as high as CEO, CFO and President of major corporations.

 

The interviewer was surprised and seemed really impressed as he was told this information by the eloquent spokesman.

 

The Smartfella is not so easily fooled and he saw right through this Smokescreen of Deceptive Misinformation. If you were easily fooled as you read the two bullet points above, this is where being one of my Dear Readers can be so beneficial to you.

 

Having been trained by the Late Paul Harvey to always tell The Rest of the Story (he just paid me another visit in my computer pecking room) I will now allow you to benefit from my vast store of knowledge about this Eloquent Deception and I will tell you The Rest of the Story...

Ø It is a fact that the Saudis have been appointing women to lofty corporate positions such as CEO, CFO and President.

Ø It is also true that, since Saudi women are not allowed to drive, they are unable to make it to work on time.

Ø Every one of these CEO, CFO and President Female Executives have been fired for Cause beCause they are repeatedly arriving late for work.

Ø The average time in these high positions for Female CEOs, CFOs and Presidents was between 17 and 21 days.

 

If you were taken in by this Saudi Deception, don’t feel too badly. You can rest assured that you are one of the few that actually has the Straight Skinny because you are a Dear Reader of my Blog.

 

It is really a shame that “Few” and “Dear Readers” so often appear next to each other in the same sentence.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Heckling Is In

Too often we see those of us who are still brave enough to try and communicate Heckled for their attempt to communicate. Often times the Heckler seems to win the day. That’s because the Heckler can be Rude and the Communicator isn’t allowed to be Rude and Rude is accepted more than Communicating.

 

A short while back our New United Nations Ambassador found herself attacked about the Syrian Refugee Situation. (Now there is a subject that no one has an answer to but far too many “experts” have opinions about.)

 

Nikki Haley was now written an article about the Refugee Situation and the Heckling Episode. Here are a couple of excerpts:

 

First 2 paragraphs...

“I was onstage at the end of a very long day when the heckling started.

 

I was telling an international women’s conference about how, earlier that day, I had stood up in the United Nations Security Council to condemn Syria for a chemical-weapons attack that had put dead children on the front pages of the world’s newspapers. I was about to get to the part about how the U.S. would act to stop future chemical attacks when someone in the audience shouted: ‘What about the refugees?’

 

There are numerous articles that have been written about the fact that Nikki Haley Fell Silent. People in her position are expected to have all the numbers and all the glib rebuttals at their finger tips. Nikki Haley was, therefore, “convicted” because she Fell Silent and the Heckler was declared the Winner.

 

Her article went on to say...

“The heckling was rude, but the question was legitimate. The Syrian war has created one of the greatest refugee crises of our time, with 12 million Syrian men, women and children—half the prewar population—killed or forced to flee their homes. What is happening in Syria and its neighboring countries is a true humanitarian crisis. But those who accuse the U.S. of heartlessness in the face of this crisis are wrong.

 

No country has invested more in protecting, housing, feeding and caring for Syrian refugees than the U.S. We have provided nearly $6.5 billion in emergency assistance for Syria since the start of the crisis. Inside Syria, some four million people benefit from U.S. assistance for essentials like food and shelter every month.”

 

The sad part is the Victorious Heckler will likely not read the above 2 paragraphs. She is probably busy composing another Four-Word Heckle to show how “smart” she is.

 

If she did read the 2 paragraphs, the Heckler would surely have a glib rebuttal and she would likely say something like, “6.5 ain’t much. Why that’s not even 7.

 

When the heckler has said this, her cohorts will probably clap and jeer and laugh and they would win the day again because the person being heckled just may Fall Silent. After all, how can one effectively respond to such “brilliance”?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: I don’t need to remind my dear readers that $6.5 Billion is 6 Thousand 500 Million Dollars...Or do I don’t?

Friday, May 19, 2017

I Continue To Get Ideas For Blog Postings From My Dear Readers

Before I begin, allow me to pause for this Attaboy to Myself from Myself…

I just passed over 69,000 views for Foolishness...Or Is It?!

A Big Thank You goes out to a long-time Dear Reader who sent me this idea for today’s Silliness.

 

Scenario #1...

You have Terrible Acne. You have had it since your teen-age years. All of your friends have grown out of their zits but you must not be one of your own friends because you are still in full bloom.

 

You decide you have had enough. You find a Phone Book (it wasn’t easy) and you find a Dermatologist right around the corner from where you live.

 

You are full of hope as you walk through your new Dermatologist’s office door but your hopes are dashed as soon as the door closes. There in front of you are two Medical Assistant Type People with Zits all over their faces.

 

Would you turn around and leave?

 

Scenario #2...

UPS arrives with a package for you from a long-forgotten Uncle who has died and left you $500,000 in a brown paper bag. You decide you need to have a safe place to store your new-found wealth. You need a bank!

 

You remember where there is a very confidence building looking bank because it is in a big stone building (like in the old days) not is a trailer (like in the new days).

 

You are full of hope as you walk through your new bank’s revolving front door but your hopes are dashed as soon as the door stops revolving. The Bank Guard is wearing a Ski Mask and is holding a Thompson Sub Machine Gun that would make Elliott Ness nervous. The Bank Tellers’ Name Plates read Bruiser, Butch and Sticky Fingers Vito.

 

Would you turn around and leave?

 

Scenario #3...

You are finishing up your Annual Physical with Doctor Welby and you are listening to him give you his Annual Lecture about your Excessive Weight and your High Cholesterol.

 

As he drones on, you find your mind wandering back to...

Ø The guy in the outer office you saw setting up future appointments on the computer who was sitting on two chairs duct taped together.

Ø The Little Room where you had your blood drawn and your blood pressure taken that was almost too small to fit in both you and the plus-sized nurse who attended to you.

 

It was at this point that you bit your tongue and resisted the urge to say to your doctor, “Ah, come on, buster, your waistline alone is a violation of your Hippocratic Oath!”

 

As you resist the temptation to say the above Obvious Fact to your Obviously Fat Doctor it does pass through your mind that “Hippo” is a part of “Hippocratic”.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Thursday, May 18, 2017

For 300 Years Definitely Not Resting In Peace

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What gives anybody the right to treat any body like this?

On January 30th 1661 Oliver Cromwell was "executed" more than two years after his death.

 

Make sure you change your will by adding the following words, “Do Not Treat My Head Like Oliver Cromwell’s Head”.

 

Allow me to explain…

When Oliver died in September 1658 the English people were very sad. They cried a lot & gave him a big funeral. They buried him & his head in Westminster Abby. So far so good for Oliver & his head.

 

In 1660 the monarchy was back on the throne. Soon after that Oliver’s body & his head were removed from the Abby. 

And now, The Rest of the Story:

  • January 30, 1661…Oliver’s body was dragged thru the streets. Still wrapped in grave clothes, it was hanged. Six hours later the body was lowered from the gallows & was beheaded. This was a bad beheading. It required 6 or 8 blows by an ax. A few keepsakes were snipped off like finders, toes & an ear. The body was buried in a deep unmarked pit beneath the scaffold. Oliver’s head was paraded thru the streets. The populace hurled insults & garbage at Oliver’s head.
  • Five days later Oliver’s head appeared prominently displayed atop Westminster Hall, affixed to an iron-tipped pole driven thru the crown of the skull. Oliver’s head remained there for many years.
  • One night in 1685 the wind blew Oliver’s head down. A sentry put Oliver’s head beneath his cloak & took it home.

Exactly what happed to the head is not exactly cataloged but the head kept popping up at irregular times & places but its authenticity is fairly certain.

  • At some point the sentry’s daughter sold Oliver’s head to a family in Cambridgeshire.
  • From 1710 to 1738 Oliver’s head was in private London museum.
  • At an uncertain date the Russell family acquired Oliver’s head.
  • Between 1773 & 1780 Oliver’s head descended to the possession of Samuel Russell who had small museum in which Oliver’s head became the prime exhibit on the second floor.
  • At one point Russell tried to sell Oliver’s head to Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge where Oliver’s whole body had been a scholar one year when he was young. The college refused to buy it. It seems they were still mad at Oliver’s head for melting their silver plate to finance his war against Charles I & for imprisoning their headmaster.
  • At a date uncertain, another private museum impresario named James Cox bought Oliver’s head.
  • Soon after buying Oliver’s head, Cox resold Oliver’s head to a trio of speculators for 230 pounds.
  • By 1799 Oliver’s head was again on display in a Bond Street exhibit.
  • In 1814 Josiah Henry Wilkinson bought Oliver’s head & used to take it to parties as a conversation piece & titillated the other guests by passing it around, iron stake & all, while giving lectures on phrenology.
  • For almost a century & a half Oliver’s head stayed in the possession of the Wilkinson family. The family did begin to treat Oliver’s head with more respect.
  • Oliver’s head was subjected to various antiquarian & scientific investigations:
    • In 1911 Oliver’s head was exhibited before the Royal Archaeological Institute.
    • In the 1930’s two “cranial detectives” studied Oliver’s head thoroughly & conclude Oliver’s head was authentic beyond all reasonable doubt.
  • Oliver’s head descended into the Canon Horace Wilkinson family.
  • When Canon died he bequeathed Oliver’s head to Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge. This justified Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge’s earlier decision (around 1790) not to buy Oliver’s head cuz they now got Oliver’s head for free.
  • In 1960 the College gave Oliver’s head a descent burial. Since they could not find where Oliver’s body was buried beneath London’s streets, they buried it near the entrance to the College’s chapel.

The exact spot is secret to prevent any future desecrations at the hands of pranksters, collectors or Irish extremists still angry at Oliver’s head for its treatment of their ancestors at Drogheda & Wexford in 1649. I ask u, why would they think that might happen?

Source: After the Funeral by Edwin Murphy, copyright 1995.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

The Dead Are Returning To The Earth. Is This The End Of Times?

Napoleon Has Returned To France 202 Years After The Battle Of Waterloo

New French President Riding To Work
I can hardly wait to see what it will look like the first time he cuts his grass.
Would I kid u?
Smartfella

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Facts Are Facts

INTRODUCTION

(Steve Allen’s Book ‘HiHo Steverino’)

A public figure undertaking to write his autobiography faces at least one problem: so much is already known of him that his story can scarcely hope to surprise the reader at every turn of the narrative. The novelist is under no such handicap. Unhindered by facts, he need be guided only by his imagination, which has unlimited freedom. The autobiographer on the other hand, if he has a conscience, must conform to the details of his history, particularly those which are a matter of public record.

 

I choose to start, therefore, by referring to several elements of my personal history which have been reported by the media. Let me briefly set them down:

 

  • I was born in Chicago.
  • I am Jewish. My first wife was Jewish.
  • I am the third richest man in the entertainment field, after Bob Hope and the late Bing Crosby, with a personal fortune of over 200 million dollars.
  • I play the piano only in the key of G.
  • I write every word of my own comedy material.
  • I am generally procommunist, despite which I at one time recommended bombing China's nuclear facilities.
  • I am a pacifist.
  • I am also a Unitarian.
  • I take drugs.
  • I plan to run for political office.
  • I am the composer of such successful songs as "Misty," "Teach Me Tonight," and "Quando Caliente El Sol."
  • I am a gifted clarinetist, as proven by my performance in the motion picture The Benny Goodman Story.
  • I replaced comedian Jerry Lester on the Tonight show.
  • Though generally affable, I am a man of occasionally violent temper, and in one instance broke the plate glass door of the William Morris Agency building in Beverly Hills, after having been refused admittance late at night by a security guard.

 

Anyone about whom the above specifics are true must be a fascinating fellow, indeed. Unfortunately, I am not nearly so interesting. There is no truth at all to any of the statements listed above, though each has appeared in the public record.

------------------------

May 2017...Today the news is full of stories about Fake News. It looks like Fake News has been with us since at least May 1992 because that’s when Hi Ho Steverino was first published.

 

Friday, May 12, 2017

I Want To Do Something Really Stupid. Please Tell Me How To Go About Doing It.

Question to Medical Advice Doctor in My Newspaper...

I like hitting myself in the head with a Hammer but it does have some unpleasant side effects. How can I minimize the side effects?

Sincerely,

INotSoSmart Dimwit

 

The obvious answer from the Newspaper Doctor should be, “Stop hitting yourself in the head with that hammer”.

 

Above is my own Foolishness but below is a real response to a real dimwit right out of my newspaper.

Instead of answering Mr. Dimwit as if he were a dimwit, the doctor treats him as a perfectly sane person and gives him remedies for counteracting his proposed silly behavior.

 

I used to play Handball with my cousin many years ago. After we had finished running our flat-bellied selves all over the court for a couple of hours, he would often say, “Handball is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. It feels so good when you quit”.

 

Handball was the great sports activity of my youth. It was worth every bump and bruise. Getting a Tattoo is an entirely different thing. An inquirer to my newspaper’s Health Advisory Doctor is being hit in his head with warning signs about the evils of getting tattooed but what he wants the doctor to do is advise him about how to endure and ignore the Tattoo Warning Signals his poor mind and body is sending him.

 

Since he appears intent on continuing to be stupid, the doctor complies with his request and tells him how he can continue to be stupid...

Ø I recommend that you lie down.

Ø Make sure you have had plenty of fluid and salt (and no alcohol) ahead of time.

Ø Stress-reduction techniques, such as breathing exercises or muscle contraction and relaxation during the tattoo placement, may help.

Ø Distraction techniques also can be helpful: talking or shouting during the procedure may help.

Ø Smiling or coughing during the procedure has helped some people, too.

Ø Use an ice pack on your head and a second on the back of his neck: This might help you to focus on your freezing neck and forehead so you can't think about anything else.

Ø Apply a Lidocaine patch to the area to be tattooed before the tattooing starts might help prevent you from passing out.

Ø Occasionally, I have recommended a fast-acting sedative for people who can't tolerate the procedure any other way.

Ø This might help people who are very anxious, but since many sedatives lower blood pressure, you should be very hesitant to use one.

 

Notice the uncertain reinforcement and wild guesses (underlined above) prescribed by the doctor: “May Help”, “Can Be Helpful”, “Has Helped Some People”, “Might Help You”, “Might Help”, “Might Help” (again), “Can’t Tolerate the Procedure” (instead of “procedure” he should have said “Attack On Your Body”) and “Might Help People”.

-------------------------

Back to Handball, Heads and Hammers...

 

I see you are thinking to yourself that I was also Tattoo Type Stupid when I used to play Handball because it felt so good when I stopped. Was my body and mind telling me not to play handball?

 

That was completely different. When I finished playing handball my belly was flat, I weighed less and my good conditioning was continuing to continue.

 

When the tattooed person finishes getting tattooed, his wallet has lost weight and the world around him is staring at him in disbelief.

 

I used to think that, if I stared at tattooed people, they would notice my staring, see the silliness of what they had done to themselves and go buy a long sleeve shirt and a pair of long pants. I don’t think that anymore. I’m sorry to say, they appear to be very proud of what they have done to themselves.

 

And who am I to say they are being silly anyway just because I am a Self-Proclaimed Expert on Silliness?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Monday, May 08, 2017

Talking All The Time

In a renewed attempt to keep my heart from attacking me, I went back to the high school track a couple of days ago. I have been neglecting my exercise routine for an extended period of time for a couple of reasons (excuses)...a Sinus Operation and a Hurt Ankle.

 

I got right back into my 2 Mile Regimen expecting to be greeted by ESPN and interviewed by one of their glib reporters but ESPN was nowhere to be found. It was just me and a very Interesting and Determined Exercising Lady.

 

The Exercising Lady was very Determined because she did many different forms of exercise and she was there the whole time I was there. She was Interesting because she talked on her cell phone the entire time I was there.

 

She was already talking on her phone when I arrived and she was talking on her phone when I crawled back to my car 50 minutes later.

 

I found myself fixated on her more than my usual fixation about whether I was going to be able to finish my two-mile trek around the track. Actually, she took my mind off of my usual line of exercising thought... Should I stop now? ... Maybe that’s enough? ... Did something just go pop? ... Why do I do this?

 

Instead, I thought thoughts such as these...

Ø How can she talk that much?

Ø Is she going to run out of words and just start making unintelligible utterances?

Ø What if she could not make contract with a fellow talker because they were all talking to some other talker? Would she just hold the phone next to her ear out of habit?

Ø How long was she there talking before I got here?

Ø Since she was still talking after I left, how long did she stay there talking after I left?

Ø Did she talk all the way back to her car?

Ø Did she talk during the entire drive back home?

Ø Does she ever not talk on her phone?

Ø Is she just making unintelligible utterances?

Ø Does she duct tape the phone to her head and talk all through the night as she sleeps?

Ø If she sets up a Do Lunch at 3 am, will she remember that appointment when she wakes up?

 

It was almost more exhausting thinking about her Phone Stamina than it was for me to do my two miles.

 

The Real Depressing Part...

Ø My two-mile routine is made up of alternating every quarter mile between Brisk Walking and Running.

Ø Initially, her routine was Exclusively Brisk Walking.

Ø While she was doing her Brisk Walking Routine and I was doing my Brisk Walking and Running Routine she was gaining on me!

 

The Save My Aging Dignity Part...

Before she did actually catch up and pass me, she stopped doing her Brisk Walking Routine and started doing In-Place Stretching and Jumping Exercises.

 

If she had persisted with her Brisk Walking Routine and had passed me while I was doing my Brisk Walking and Running Routine, my ego might never have recovered.

 

As I peck this Foolishness out, I am left grasping at the straw that maybe I was on the verge of getting my Second Wind and she may not have passed me after all...Or would she not have after all?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Wednesday, May 03, 2017

If You Are Sad Hillary Lost, It Is Safe To Read On But Be Sure To Bring Your Sense Of Humor With You

If You Are Sad Hillary Lost, It Is Safe To Read On But Be Sure To Bring Your Sense Of Humor With You
Hillary Supporters have been sad long enough. It’s time to lighten up a bit and what better place to find some Lightening Silliness than a blog called Foolishness...Or Is It?
Hillary had a brilliant plan but it just did not work and it’s hard to understand why it did not work.
Who would have known that taking a selfie with everyone in the United States would not result in a landslide victory?
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Would I kid u?
AlexO