Running Into The Street Screaming

 

I am spending too much of my life on the phone...On Hold...Waiting For Online Help!

These “helpful” people are paid to help me, are they not? I know what they are doing instead of picking up their end of the phone and helping me. They are sitting around drinking their Fruity Drinks With Little Umbrellas In Them that’s what they are doing!

I used to believe they wanted to help me because they went to all the trouble to make a recording that tells me over and over that my call is important to them.

What I don't understand is, if the above paragraph is true, why do they play such Awful Music Awfully Loud at me while I patiently wait?

I have been persecuted by this assault on my hearing and sanity for a long time now but I was not prompted to blog about it until recently when I started noticing a significant number of people running out of their houses screaming things like... "I can't take it any longer" and/or "Why are they doing this to me?!" and/or "AAUGH!".

I assigned the responsibility of finding out why these people are acting this way to one of my best Investigative Investigators and it was not long before I had the answer when he reported back to me...

"Sir, the reason the Awful Music is played Awfully Loud is that they are hoping you will hang up the phone and run out into the street screaming things like... "I can't take it any longer" and/or "Why are they doing this to me?!" and/or " AAUGH!".

If you do hang up, then they can keep sipping their Fruity Umbrella Drinks.

Also, their assigned quota is only 2 calls handled per day and, since a hang-up call is counted as a call completion, they have probably already reached their assigned quotas within 12 minutes of starting their “work” day, therefore, they have no vested interest in actually taking your call."

I make my Investigative Investigators address me as "Sir" because I pay them well and they are afraid of me because they need the job since the Major News Networks got rid of all their Investigative Investigators and started reporting everything and anything no matter how stupid, silly or untrue the everything and anything is.  

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The Help Lines have a Plan B that takes effect if their computers have determined that you are never going to hang up...

Ø They will switch you to a Higher Level of Support at least 3 times.

Ø Each switch will ask you the same questions as the last person you talked to.

Ø A partial list of questions includes: Name?, Address?, Phone Number?, Date of Birth?, Last 4 Digits of Your Social Security Number?, What’s your favorite color?, If you had had a choice of when you would have been born, what other date would you have chosen?

Ø Answers to many of these questions you have already given to the computer before the representation that you can’t understand (because of his/her strong accent) came on the phone.

Ø Strangely enough, many times the switched-to representatives will throw in a question or two that prior representatives have not asked you.

After you have been switched 3 times, the line will go dead and you will have to call back and start all over again.

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If you get exasperated and you ask for a Supervisor (who just so happens to be the representative in the next La-Z-Boy sipping chair), you will be put on hold...

Ø Even if you don’t get exasperated, there are many different reasons why you will be put on-hold several times.

Ø If you ask for clarification of something you are certain to be put on hold.

Ø I don't think there is any chance that you will not be put on hold because remember they are sitting around drinking Fruity Drinks With Little Umbrellas In Them and they have to go get refills.

Fella Warning...Remember to look both ways before you run out in the middle of your street screaming.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I keep a list of blog ideas in a folder that might become Blog Postings someday, if I ever get around to finishing them. At present there are 251 of these might-be-blogs in this folder. The above Blog Posting went into this Holding File 7 years ago. (If you are thinking to yourself that you did not need to read this Lagniappe, go back up to the word “Lagniappe:” and don’t bother to read what you just read).