Running Into The Street Screaming

 

I am spending too much of my life on the phone...On Hold...Waiting For Online Help!

These “helpful” people are paid to help me, are they not? I know what they are doing instead of picking up their end of the phone and helping me. They are sitting around drinking their Fruity Drinks With Little Umbrellas In Them that’s what they are doing!

I used to believe they wanted to help me because they went to all the trouble to make a recording that tells me over and over that my call is important to them.

What I don't understand is, if the above paragraph is true, why do they play such Awful Music Awfully Loud at me while I patiently wait?

I have been persecuted by this assault on my hearing and sanity for a long time now but I was not prompted to blog about it until recently when I started noticing a significant number of people running out of their houses screaming things like... "I can't take it any longer" and/or "Why are they doing this to me?!" and/or "AAUGH!".

I assigned the responsibility of finding out why these people are acting this way to one of my best Investigative Investigators and it was not long before I had the answer when he reported back to me...

"Sir, the reason the Awful Music is played Awfully Loud is that they are hoping you will hang up the phone and run out into the street screaming things like... "I can't take it any longer" and/or "Why are they doing this to me?!" and/or " AAUGH!".

If you do hang up, then they can keep sipping their Fruity Umbrella Drinks.

Also, their assigned quota is only 2 calls handled per day and, since a hang-up call is counted as a call completion, they have probably already reached their assigned quotas within 12 minutes of starting their “work” day, therefore, they have no vested interest in actually taking your call."

I make my Investigative Investigators address me as "Sir" because I pay them well and they are afraid of me because they need the job since the Major News Networks got rid of all their Investigative Investigators and started reporting everything and anything no matter how stupid, silly or untrue the everything and anything is.  

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The Help Lines have a Plan B that takes effect if their computers have determined that you are never going to hang up...

Ø They will switch you to a Higher Level of Support at least 3 times.

Ø Each switch will ask you the same questions as the last person you talked to.

Ø A partial list of questions includes: Name?, Address?, Phone Number?, Date of Birth?, Last 4 Digits of Your Social Security Number?, What’s your favorite color?, If you had had a choice of when you would have been born, what other date would you have chosen?

Ø Answers to many of these questions you have already given to the computer before the representation that you can’t understand (because of his/her strong accent) came on the phone.

Ø Strangely enough, many times the switched-to representatives will throw in a question or two that prior representatives have not asked you.

After you have been switched 3 times, the line will go dead and you will have to call back and start all over again.

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If you get exasperated and you ask for a Supervisor (who just so happens to be the representative in the next La-Z-Boy sipping chair), you will be put on hold...

Ø Even if you don’t get exasperated, there are many different reasons why you will be put on-hold several times.

Ø If you ask for clarification of something you are certain to be put on hold.

Ø I don't think there is any chance that you will not be put on hold because remember they are sitting around drinking Fruity Drinks With Little Umbrellas In Them and they have to go get refills.

Fella Warning...Remember to look both ways before you run out in the middle of your street screaming.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I keep a list of blog ideas in a folder that might become Blog Postings someday, if I ever get around to finishing them. At present there are 251 of these might-be-blogs in this folder. The above Blog Posting went into this Holding File 7 years ago. (If you are thinking to yourself that you did not need to read this Lagniappe, go back up to the word “Lagniappe:” and don’t bother to read what you just read).

So, I Said To Him, “Inflation Does Exist”. He Said To Me, “Prove It”. I Said To Him, “OK, I’ll BlogProve It”.

Everybody talks about the weather but no one does anything about it and the same holds true for Inflation.

Part of the problem is Inflation in usually slow. It creeps but we get raises so we don’t notice it. Or we do notice it but pay it no never mind because we get raises so we don’t worry about it.

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I’m From New Orleans And Being From New Orleans I Enjoyed Coffee And Beignets (Donuts) Often Because They Were Wonderful To Eat And Because They Were Cheap. It Was Not That Inflation Had Not Been Invented Yet It Was That It Had Not Been Perfected Yet...

Ø In my High School years, to impress girls and trick them into thinking I was a Big Spender, I would take them to get Coffee and Donuts (Beignets)...We called them “donuts”.

Ø A cup of coffee and 3 powdered sugar donuts cost 25 cents.

Ø One was 10 cents and the other was 15 cents and I’m not sure which was which.

Today Inflation Raised Its Ugly Head And Slapped Me Across My Wallet...

Ø I gave the unpleasant checkout lady a $5 Bill.

Ø She unpleasantly gave it back and unpleasantly said, “6 dollars and 92 cents”.

Ø  I sheepishly gave her a credit card (I use a credit card for big time purchases).

The Good News...

Ø The donuts were great.

Ø They were not smaller than they used to be (like so many other things today).

Ø They were absolutely covered with powdered sugar.

Ø The big donuts almost were completely hidden by the powdered sugar.

One Uneaten Donut and Some Of It’s Accompanied Powdered Sugar

The Bad News...

Ø The coffee was tasteless.

Ø Next time you are about to order your coffee and donuts remember what I am about to tell you...Don’t order the coffee and save yourself $3.21.

Ø The donuts had no vitamins in them.

Ø Of course, we all know that in regular unbeigneted donuts the vitamins are contained in the donut hole but these donuts do not have any holes, therefore, there is no place to put the vitamins.

I just know, on days like today, you are very happy you are a reader of my Foolishness...Or Are You?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Be Glad You Don’t Need The Money

 I had to call the Social Security Administration today...

If you need to contact the Social Security Administration, but you don’t need the money, Furgedaboutit because it ain’t worth it!

Calling the SSA is a mind-boggling exercise in You Won’t Believe. Here are 3 examples of what I mean from today’s call...

• The Hello Computer Recording will say things like this to you...If you are calling about a Disability Claim, you should understand that, because of COVID-19, Disability Claims take 200 to 230 Days To Process.
• The Hello Computer Recording will say things like this to you...If you do not want to remain on hold, we will call you back. At present the Hold Time is More Than 360 Minutes, because of COVID-19. (For those of you who do not have 360 fingers or a calculator, that’s 6 Hours Plus.)
• If you decide to remain on hold, you are in for a horrible listening experience because you will be subjected to Horrible Music. (Actually, if you had to listen to Beethoven’s Ode To Joy for 360 minutes Plus, you would learn to hate Beethoven also.)

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Considering how many numbers there are above 360 (da Plus part), they may never call you back. If you decided to complain, their Complain Department Manager will smugly say to you, “It has only been 17 days since we committed to call you back within 360 minutes Plus, therefore, we are still within the Federal Plus Parameter, ergo, we are in compliance with Established Federal Persecution Guidelines”.

Lagniappe Another: If you call about your Disability Claim after you have waited for 231 days, be prepared to hear this, "What Disability Claim? We lost it, because of COVID-19. You will have to resubmit and you should understand, because of COVID-19, the processing time is now 276 days, because of COVID-19".

There Once Was A TV Show Named “Eight Is Enough” But Now We Find Out That $1.1 Million Is Not Enough

 

I don’t know about you but about me I think that the above house is not much of a $1,100,000 house because it is not that big, it is not on a 3 acre lot, it is not next to a flowing stream, it does not have a horse stable next to the stream with several beautiful horses in it ready to take family members for a ride.

Instead, it is crammed into a small subdivision on a small lot with a lot of other small lots and there are no horses nor horse stables to be seen. Actually, the lot is so small it probably does not have room for a pony or even a moped.

Fella got so curious about these houses that he put on his Potted Plant Outfit, Googled to find out the name and address of one of the future residents and he when over to see what he could find out about these home buyers and what he found out was very interesting.

He arrived just in time to hear the future little house owner vent his spleen about what he saw as a spleen-worthy venting issue when he heard the agitated husband shouting at his cowering wife, “Have you seen that big sign outside our future homesite’s front gate? That’s right it reads $1,100,000 And Up! When we contacted to build this home, I thought that $1,100,000 was quite enough to spend but I no longer think that way! I’ll be darn if I am going to be looked down on by my future snotty neighbors because I have the cheapest house in the neighborhood! First thing in the morning I’m calling the builder and directing him to squeeze in a $300,000 Jacuzzi right behind our $250,000 Lanai. I only wish our lot had room for a $700,000 swimming pool!”

“And, sure as shooting, if he tells me that Jacuzzis do not cost that much, I darn well will tell him I don’t care one hoot about what a Jacuzzi really costs, just as long as he charges me at least $300,000!”

His cowering wife mumbled a question to him and that set him off venting again, “You are right, Bubbles, I am also going to ask him what a Lanai is!”

Would I kid u?

Smartfella