All Over New England Women Are Being Frozen In Place

 

When we are born we do not know how to walk. We take walking for granted but we forget that we had to learn how to walk because walking is an Acquired Skill. Humans are still evolving, and for many of the Female of Our Species, walking has now become an Acquired and Accompanied Skill.

You all know what I am talking about whether you have actually thought about it or not. In the last few days this Evolved Accompaniment to walking is causing great concern because of the wild and crazy weather in the Northeast United States.

The Accompanied Skill Part of Walking is the fact that a very large percent of Women today can only walk if a Smartphone is held next to an ear while they walk.

We are all aware (because the TV will not stop shouting at us about it) that the temperatures have fallen dramatically in recent days in much of the Good Ole USofA, however, life must go on so we are out and about doing what we have to do just as if it was not as cold as it is out there.

I’m The Noticer. You can be a Noticer too. You cannot approach my level of Miniscule Nauseating Noticing but give this one a try. Next time you pull into a parking spot at Walmart notice how Woman Drivers don’t get out of their cars right after parking in their chosen spot. What they are doing during this exiting delay is dialing up a Fellow Woman to talk to while they walk into the store, walk around the store and walk from the store back to their car. This is because they no longer can walk without talking while they walk.

The problem has been magnified because so many women are scurrying around doing their Christmas Shopping and added to this annual Christmas Scurrying there is the scurrying to buy emergency stuff to carry them through this bad weather emergency.

Having dialed their fellow woman to talk to while they walk they get out of their cars and start walking toward the store. The problem arises because this increased load on our telephone capacity is causing more busy signals to greet callers than ever before because women all over the Fruited Plain are talking to women all over the Fruited Plain. Women Walkers/Talkers can only go about 8 paces without someone to talk to on the phone. Having left the safety of their car, at about pace #5 they are now being greeted by a dreaded busy signal. When this happens they whimper a weak, “Oh, no!” and they grind to a halt on the spot.

They then frantically try to get another female on the phone but downed telephone power lines are magnifying the problem making fewer women available out there to save them. There they are in Wal-Mart’s Unheated Parking Lot in sub-freezing temperatures and all too many of them are dying in place.

************

The Male of our species could help them but they are known to get Tunnel Vision when they are panicked about running out of beer during a weather emergency and they are making a beeline to the beer aisle in the back of the store. Many are so focused in their beer panic that they actually have bumped into still alive and not yet completely frozen women and knocked them over like bowling pins.

Other panicked male beer dashers have been seen stepping over still alive knocked over women whose bodies are slowly disappearing beneath the new falling snow.

************

There are times when I start worrying about the possibility that I have blogged about everything that can be blogged about. It’s never before happenings like what has been described in this Blog Posting that tells me I ought to find something else to worry about like a Supply Chain Snafu that could cause there to be a Frightening Nationwide Beer Shortage of Epic Proportions. (If you think I am overreacting, you have forgotten the National Baby Formula Shortage.)

Would I kid u?

Smartfella