I Am Vulnerable Because I Am Being Left Out Of The Loop

Saw in my newspaper where a very dangerous situation in Las Vegas developed when a couple of chimpanzees escaped from a chimpanzee keeping place and were causing all kinds of damage and mayhem. The chimps went on a rampage pounding on cars and jumping into at least one vehicle.

The police chief sprang into action to warn his gambling people. After all, he is sworn to protect and serve or protect and defend or some such catchy phrase.

He was determined to get the word out by the fastest means of communication available to modern law enforcement. He sent his warning out by Twitter telling all non-chimpanzees to stay inside their cars or houses...

The department tweeted, "Residents/motorists in the area of Ann Rd/N Jones please stay inside, officers trying to capture 2 dangerous chimpanzees on the loose!"

The Police Chief then added, "Nope, we didn't get hacked."

I feel so vulnerable. Since I’m not a Twit, I would have been eaten for sure.

Would I kid u?

Looking Alike

How many times have we heard someone say this about Asians, “They all look alike?” I am not sure how this got started because they really do not all look alike.

At the London Olympics there was an incident that has put a whole new spin on this old catch phrase.

Before a Soccer Match between North Korea and Columbia, the big video screen showed North Korean Players beside the flag of South Korea. As soon as the error was noticed the screen went blank but the Fit Had Already Hit the Shan and the damage was done.

I think this all could have been put to bed very quickly if some important big-time Olympic Official had only rushed over to the horrified North Korean team and said something as simple as, “Please don’t take offense but you see all Asian Flags Look Alike”.

Yep, that would have calmed down this volatile situation as quickly as it had started.

Would I kid u?

More: The article that I read about FlagGate did not even bother to mention who won the game. Sad to say this goes to show you that Controversy is more important than Athletic Competition at our Modern Olympic Games.

Parade Magazine

Hard as it is for me to admit, I was once a Celebrity Watcher. For long time I was anxious to see what Clark Gable, John Wayne, Doris Day, Groucho Marx, Cary Grant and such stars were doing with their time.

Because of this fixation I used to look to the Parade Magazine (now USA Weekend Magazine) to keep me informed about the comings and goings of celebrities like those mentioned in above paragraph.

Most Sunday’s I still check out the USA Weekend Magazine to see what’s in its Who’s News Section which tells us what today’s Clarks, Johns, Dorises Grouchos and Carys are up to.

The problem is I do not recognize any of today’s “stars”. When I try and educate myself about them I do not recognize any of the TV shows or movies that have made them “famous”.

While reading about What’s His Name this past weekend I decided that I really don’t care what he has been up to or what his opinion is about anything. I became this entrenched in my opinion about him and his ilk (I just love to use the word “ilk”) when I read the following which came out of his celebrity mouth, “When I get out of bed each morning, I mess up my hair”.

I have two comments about this mental midget’s quote...

• I never saw Cary Grant’s hair messed up. It was clear to me that he understood the value of that nickel he had invested to buy that comb he always carried with him.
• Has he ever noticed that, when he gets up each day, his hair is already messed up? Does he really think he went to bed with his hair properly messed up and during the night it combed itself?

Whatever John Wayne wanted to do with his hair was okay with me but, if I ever heard him quoted as saying, “When I get out of bed each morning, I mess up my toupee”, I would have thought less of him also.

Would I kid u?

More Wagging Of The Dog’s Tail

Our libraries make it a practice to display Local Artist’s art inside various branches of our library system. This practice has been well received by our dwindling reading public. The artists themselves really appreciate this exposure because they are all starving.

One of our artists had eight paintings of his hanging in a library branch. His display was scheduled to be up for another month but, because of the complaint of ONE SINGLE patron, he has had to remove his artwork.

The issue that offended the ONE SINGLE patron was that the eight paintings were of well-know local Evangelical Preachers. The ONE SINGLE patron complained that the subjects of the paintings were only Christian Preachers. She was not Christian and, therefore, she objected and the dog’s tail wagged all of us.

I just went to the artist’s web site and was presented with this message:

Sorry, the site you requested

has been disabled.

This is eerie. Is it possible that our starving and rejected artist has had more than just his library card canceled?

Would I kid u?

We Are Not Allowed To Have Good News ... It Is A Federal Law!

I have written before about our News Media loving bad news and, in this posting, I going to do it again.

Price of Gasoline Going Up and Up

We were told for weeks that high gas prices were ruining our economy...

• Everything was going to cost more because it costs more to get everything shipped to us.
• After filling up their gas tanks people have no money left to buy groceries.
• The price of gas was so high that people were not able to put gas in their cars to drive to work.

Then when the price of gasoline started going down I actually heard a Talking Head tell me that ... The falling price of gasoline was a sure sign of a slowdown in the economy.

Syria

For almost a year and a half we have been told...

• Innocent men, women and children were being slaughtered in the streets of Syria.
• The country was on the brink of civil war.
• The U.N. is helpless to bring an end to the killing.

A few days ago it appeared that the Syrian government is on the verge of collapse and my nightly news told me ... The U.S. Government was concerned about the implications of a sudden collapse of the Syrian Regime.

Sometimes I think that, if I were watching the Evening News one night and I said to my wife, “Well things are sure looking up” a member of our News Media would kick down my front door and come rushing in and slap me in the face.

Would I kid u?

It’s All Over But The Shouting or You Can Stop Paddling Now

In the world of politics all is lost. We have gone over the waterfall and no amount of paddling can get us back up to the top of the falls. The Wheels Are Off The Wagon is what we used to say at American Motors when I working there (in the process of rising to the height of my mediocre career).

Have I properly set you up to read on? I sure hope so because this is important stuff...Or is it?

I was watching a politician “perform” recently and his words hit me like a ton of bricks.

Here I go getting sidetracked again...

Don’t you just hate it when a Talking Head refers to a just completed speech as a “performance”? A political speech should not be categorized as a performance. A performance is what actors do. Acting is not reality. George Burns once said, Sincerity is the most important part of acting. If you can fake sincerity, you are a good actor.

I am now officially back from my sidetrack. Here is what concerns me about this politician’s “performance”.

In the past politicians would always try and cover up for lies by doing one or all of the following...

• Say they did not say whatever they said.
• Say they were taken out of context.
• Try to explain what they meant by what they said.
• Tell another lie.

When this politician (the performing one mentioned above) was confronted with his untruth, he simply looked the confronter in the eye and said with a smile on his lying face, “Well you know politicians say lots of thing they don’t mean”.

There it is. There is the turning point. There is no going back up the waterfall. This politician has so little respect for and/or has no fear of the voter that he is no longer going to pretend to be truthful.

The late great Howard Cosell made the phrase “Tell It Like It Is” famous. If this politician held himself to Ole Howard’s truthfulness principle, we would not be where we are today but he does not and we are where we are.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.

I Got A Bump On My Head But I’ll Be OK

Please note the Gadget on the left called “Share it”.

If you are entertained by this Foolishness (or one in the future), use “Share it” to tell your friends or enemies about it on Facebook or Twitter.

I read an article about an actress I never heard of on a hit TV show I’ve never heard of who got hit on the head by a piece of Set Equipment. The Set Equipment was sent flying into her celebrity head by a large gust of wind.

She was taken to the hospital but is now recovered to the point that she is issuing statements to the press and to her breathless, worried and adoring fans. Here is what she had to say... Thanks to everyone for their prayers and good wishes.

The Smartfella is highly trained in deciphering and analyzing celebrity statements. Here is the part of the statement that was not stated... I am feeling much better. I am doing so well that I will shortly be filing a series of lawsuits that ought to make me richer than a whole mess of other adored celebrities who have a lot more talent than I have.

The Smartfella is also a sneaky person. I disguised myself as a potted plant (one of my favorite disguises) and stationed my potted self in the corner of the celebrity’s flower filled hospital suite. Here is what I heard her discussing with her team of lawyers...

• How much should they sue the Television Network for?
• How much should they sue the Director of the hit TV series for?
• How much should they sue the Sponsors of the hit TV series for?
• How much should they sue the manufacturer of the Set Equipment for for not putting Velcro Attachments on all of their Set Equipment pieces so these dangerous thingies would not go flying with the wind?
• How much should they sue God for for allowing the wind to become gusty?

It saddens me to have had to burst your bubbles, my dear readers, about celebrities. I know you all admire them so.

I just feel I have an obligation to tell all of you, as they say in southwest Louisiana, How The Cow Eat The Cabbage. I can hear your minds mulling over what How The Cow Eat The Cabbage means. I can’t help you out because I never have fully figured this one out myself.

I am ready to reveal to the world what I recorded in my leafy looking recorder in the corner of that hospital suite.

On the other hand, if she will cut me in for a piece of the action, I will be glad to ForgetAboutIt.

Would I kid u?

One Is Not Disgusting

The other day I was watching What’s His Name finish off What’s His Name at Wimbledon and, when the finishing was done, I left the TV on and went to peck at my laptop. I could still see the TV from where I was pecking and I looked up occasionally.

The first time I looked up I saw there was a commercial on and a guy was very quickly eating a Hot Dog.

I looked up several more times. Each time I looked up that guy was still eating that hot dog. I thought to myself, “Self, that is real long commercial or a real long hot dog”.

Eventually I realized that there was a Hot Dog Eating Contest in progress.

At first I thought, “What’s this doing on my Sports Channel? This is not a sport. Sure they sweat more than those Poker Players (who also do not belong on my Sports Channel) but eating is even less of a sport than playing poker. Eating is a bodily function.

What’s next? If America can sit and watch people eat, how far are we from watching people not eat? It takes a lot more will power to not eat than to eat. People who do not eat are performing a herculean task. Starvation is no piece of cake.

As Captain Kirk likes to say, “This could be big ... Really big”.

Here is where I skillfully tie in the Subject of this Foolishness Posting into the body of the Posting itself...

Once I realized that I was looking at a Hot Dog Eating Contest, I watched intently for about 22 seconds and then I said to myself, “Self, that’s disgusting!” and I turned off my TV.

For some reason I found myself hungry. I went to our refrigerator and was happy to find a new package of turkey hot dogs. I ate one. I only ate one. One Is Not Disgusting.

Would I kid u?

This Is Coming To You From NotHipVille, USA

NotHipVille, USA is where I live. I like it here.

Here is a headline for a news article in a recent edition of my newspaper...

300 people escape early morning fire in London hotel

I just did it to you again. I lied about the headline I saw. I actually pecked out the headline the way it ought to have been written.

Here is the true headline...

Rihanna escapes early morning fire in London hotel

I found this article educational. My first question to myself was, “Self, what is a Rihanna?” The article informed me that she is some kind of singer. I found a picture of her…   

I feel hipper just looking at her picture.

The article informed me that 300 saved people are not as important as one saved Rihanna.

Rihanna tweeted her 21,000,000 followers from outside the hotel.

What’s wrong with us? Please allow me to comment on, “21,000,000 followers”...

• Are there really 21,000,000 hip people spending their days waiting for a Rihanna to tweet her innermost thoughts and feelings?
• Is there not anyone out there reading a chemistry book or trying to find a cure for some dire debilitating disease or just sitting around thinking deep thoughts about something deep?

Here is what our Rihanna tweeted to her 21,000,000 twits…

“Roamin da streets since 6am! Fyah in da telly”

Please allow me to comment on her tweet or, as she would say, “da tweet”...

• While I concede “roamin” is a whole lot shorter than “roaming”, is it really better than “roaming”?
• While I concede “da” is a whole lot shorter than “the” is it really better than “the”?
• What’s with “fyah”? It is not any shorter than “fire”. Why not just say “fire”?
• If I had not read the headline of the article I may never have figured out that “telly” was hotel (or hotelly). Being a thinking person I would probably have suspected that Rihanna was tweeting the world about her telephone or her television issues.

When all is texted and tweeted (we used to say “when all is said and done”), the world we all live in is very confusing and often very depressing. I think I am now going to read a few chapters in my chemistry book and, since a dire debilitating disease is probably about to jump all over my aged bones, I am going to settle back and think a few deep thoughts about something more important than what a Rihanna is doing.

Would I kid u?

 

Is One A Lot? or The Power Of One

How many times do we read about a single instance of something bad happening that results in sweeping legislative activity? We seem to be obsessed with that dog’s tail wagging us.

In my newspaper I read where a German court has ruled that a circumcision which resulted in complications was an assault on the boy’s Physical Integrity and the practice of circumcision has been declared a cause of Bodily Harm in Germany.

The article did not say that thousands of boys have suffered this “assault”. Does this mean there was only one case that caused complications in all of Germany?

If there can be found one case where there was no Bodily Harm done, does that single case negate the single case of Circumcisional Complications? (I know “circumcisional” is not a word. Don’t write me about it. Classify it under the category of “Foolishness License”.)

I thank you in advance, dear reader, for allowing me to carry this to an extreme. Here is my Foolishness...

• There are 6,795 overpasses in the Atlanta Metropolitan Area. (Don’t check out 6,795 overpasses. I made that number up. Classify it under the category of “Foolishness License”.)
• A 6 year old child wanders away from his home, gets to one of these overpasses, climbs over the guard rail and falls into traffic and is killed.

Does this one instance of child wandering, climbing, falling and dying justify installing 12 foot high climb-proof barriers on all 6,795 overpasses?

Some of us would answer in the affirmative to the above question. Therein lays the crux of the problem. If a person or a society does not have unlimited funds, that person or that society cannot spend unlimited money.

I know some of you just said, “Why not?” That “Why Not?” makes me fear for our future.

Please do not write me back and tell me that China has the money to build these 13,590 overpass 12 foot high climb-proof barriers and all we have to do is use their money.

Would I kid u?

NOTE: Don’t blame me… BlogSpot (Google) is responsible for those ads at the bottom of my Foolishness.