Don’t Look Back Because Your Back Might Be Back There and That May Be Major Problems for You

 

Here are the things my chiropractor warned me about. Can’t believe I recorded all of this? I've got nothing else to do...

In about 2003 I was on the ground in my back yard chipping dead branches off of a low tree I had recently transplanted and then I stood up. That was all it took to throw my back out, as they say.

For the next 5 days I did as directed by whoever was the last person I discussed my back situation with:

Ø Put cold on it.

Ø Then I changed to putting heat on it.

Ø Then I changed to putting cold on it.

Ø Then I lay on the floor a lot.

Ø Then I changed to putting heat on it.

Ø Then I lay on the floor and arched my back a lot.

Ø Then I changed to putting cold on it again.

Ø Then I sat on frozen peas.

Ø Then I repeated all of the above.

After 5 days it felt better. I went to play in the Golden Senior Olympics Doubles Tournament. We rolled along singing a song for 12 games. We were headed for a gold medal. I glided up to the service line and reached for a simple back hand shot and my back exploded in two violent shocks and I was on my hands and knees moaning (my partner said my whole body was quivering). I was done for the day and for weeks thereafter. Guess it was not much of a tournament because after only playing 12 games we had won enough games to get a Bronze Medal.

My daughter talked me into going to a Chiropractor. I have always thought of Chiropractors as kooks. I still may but this Chiropractor has helped me. I have a reoccurring problem but it is under control and I am back on the tennis court.

I'm doing quite well. I sit on peas a lot.

************

My Chiropractor gave me a lot of advice. I am going to now pass this advice onto each of you. This is another demonstration of how nice a guy I am.

Chiropractic-Don't Do's To Protect You from Your Back

Ø Tension is bad. If something terrible happens and you get really sad, your back could attack you

Ø Tension is bad. Good tension is also bad. If something great happens and you get really happy, your back could attack you.

Ø The Vacuum Cleaner is bad. It should be moved by walking forward and backward but not by bending your back to and fro. If you move to and fro using your back to do the toing and froing, your back could attack you.

Ø If you are in a squat down position and you reach forward and you then stand up, your back could attack you.

Ø If when you get up from a squat down position you don't look up as far as your neck will allow you to look up, your back could attack you.

Ø If when you sit in a chair, you do not do it with your back straight, on the edge of the chair and then slide into the chair, your back could attack you.

Ø If when you get up out of a chair you don't slide forward to the edge and stand up with your eyes looking at the far wall/horizon with your back straight, your back could attack you.

Ø If you use artificial sweeteners of any kind, your back could attack you.

Ø If you intake caffeine, your back could attack you.

Ø If you intake certain kinds of tea, your back could attack you.

Ø If you don't hydrate your body by drinking lots of fluids the day of exercise but especially the day before exercise, your back could attack you.

Ø If you don't hydrate your body everyday by drinking lots of fluids, your back could attack you.

Ø If you sleep on your side without placing your knees one on top of the other, your back could attack you.

Ø If you twist around in your car to get something out of the back seat, your back could attack you.

Ø If you lay on the floor to watch an NBA Basketball Game with your legs fully extended, your back could attack you.

Ø If you reach too far when cleaning your windshield with a squeegee, your back could attack you.

Ø If you drink straight Gatorade, your back could attack you.

Ø If you don't put cold on your injured back (she recommends using a 5 pound bag of Wal-Mart Frozen Peas to put the cold where the cold should be put), your back could attack you.

Ø If you put heat on your injured back too often, your back could attack you.

Ø If you don't put one foot on something so it is higher than the other when you bend over the sink to rinse your face, your back could attack you.

Ø If you are standing up straight, you should have one foot in front of the other. If you don't have one foot in front of the other, your back could attack you.

So you see, if you have a bad back, everything you have been doing your whole life has been bad for your back. If you had just stayed in your baby crib and lay on your side with your knees one-on-top of the other until you went away to college, your back would not have attacked you.

Taking care of your peas.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: This comment came from a Vietnam buddy...

BTW, how the hell could those little lumps (frozen peas) help your back ???? Tee hee. I'm not sure if this was a serious question but I'll answer it anyway. She believes in putting COLD on the problem. The peas mold to the back and 5 pounds covers a wide enough area. Of course, you have to keep working at the peas to keep them from becoming one big frozen lump cuz you keep taking them in and out of the freezer. This means that when you take them out of the freezer you sometimes pound on 'em with your fist OR put 'em on the floor and walk and stomp all over them. You have to be careful doing this cuz, since it is 5 pounds high, you could fall off of the peas and hurt your back.