Stay Out Of Jail

Here is how you can keep from being sent to jail. 

When they come to get you to take you to jail tell them you don’t have a Valid ID because...

Number 63 (of 65) on the “When Valid IDs Are Required” list below is 

“Going to Jail”

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Thinking About Going to Singapore This Afternoon?

If you are getting a hankering to hop on over to Singapore today, I would recommend that you think before you hop.

I would be doubly cautious if you have a problem with Forgetfulness.

What Do I Mean? ... Here Is What I Do Mean...

Ø You have just arrived in Singapore.

Ø You just got into your hotel room.

Ø You have always heard that Singapore has the finest Egg Rolls on Planet Earth.

Ø You are hungry for a World Famous Egg Roll.

Ø You forget that you are forgetful.

Ø You decide to go downstairs and visit that Egg Roll Street Vendor you saw as you were entering your hotel.

Ø You go downstairs and exit the hotel all excited about that World Famous Egg Roll you are about to sink your teeth into.

Ø You reach for your wallet knowing that you have $10,000 in your wallet.

Six Months later you are back outside your hotel. You see that Egg Roll Street Vendor. You say to yourself, “I’m going to eat one of those World Famous Egg Rolls!”

You take out your wallet to get the money to pay for your World Famous Egg Roll but your wallet is empty! You say to yourself, “I thought I had $10,000 in my wallet!”

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: My son just arrived in Singapore. He is now COVID Confined to his hotel room for 14 days. I hope he is not getting forgetful.

Children Have Such Soft Heads Today

 

For those of my Dear Readers who are not young, take a moment and remember when we were young and the kind of world we lived in...

Ø Remember when we were told by our parents to go out and play and not come home until the street light came on.

Ø Remember when we were told by our parents, “Go climb a tree and try not to fall out of your chosen tree and break an arm. If you do fall and break an arm, cry real loud and, if I hear you, I will come and get you and take you to the doctor.”

Ø Remember when our parents gave us an alternate course of action by telling us... If neither one of them was at home when we fell, we should get up and take ourselves to the doctor. They reminded us that we ought to remember where the doctor’s office was because we went there all the other times we fell and broke something.

Ø Remember when our parents told us we were moping around the house too much and we should go out and do something outside like ride our bike.

Ø Remember when we confused our parents by asking for our Bike Riding Helmet. We knew we had confused them because they asked us, “What do you mean where is your Bike Riding Helmet? What’s a Bike Riding Helmet?”

Ø Remember when our parents said, “Don’t waste our time complaining about your teeth coming in crooked again. Quit complaining. Lots of people have crooked teeth. What do you mean you want braces on your teeth? What are braces anyway? Are braces those new fangled things I saw sticking out of that kid’s mouth the other day on the streetcar? He sure looked funny and he also looked very uncomfortable. Is that what you want? Do you want to look funny and be uncomfortable? Besides I saw in the Saturday Evening Post that those things can cost as high as $50. Do you think we are made out of money?”

Ø Remember when (actually you can’t remember this one because I believe this was a Fella’s Mama Exclusive) I would ask my Mother for a nickel, she would respond, “Fella, if I had a nickel, I would sit up and watch it all night”.

************

I know you are probably wondering what caused me to write this Blog Posting. Ok, since you are wondering, I’ll tell you.

Later this year my wife, one of our daughters and I are going to a Dude Ranch in Wyoming. In reading through the Pre-Departure Dudeing Information I noticed (surely you remember I am a Noticer)...

 Children Under 12 Years of Age Are Required To Wear Helmets While Riding Horses

It was a short jump from that Notice of mine to thinking up the Subject of this Blog Posting and then there followed the actual pecking out of the Blog Posting you have just enjoyed...Or did u?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: You may be wondering why I made you scroll up to the top to see the Subject instead of just repeating the Subject when I brought it up at the bottom of this Blog Posting. It’s because I saved 6 words by making you scroll back up to the Subject. You see my computer is running dangerously low on Words and I am awaiting the arrival of the Computer Word Delivery Man to come give me a refill.

I’m Confused Again

I just read an article about Jim Caviezel who played Jesus Christ in Mel Gibson’s movie The Passion of the Christ. Caviezel has been Blackballed by Hollywood because he played the part of Christ. 

The article said this about the movie, “The film received great ridicule for being controversial and being unnecessarily violent”.

• Controversial?...I’m not sure I understand what they are referring to by saying the death of Jesus was controversial unless it is the hysteria I recall before the movie came out which was centered on reports that the film was going to result in mass killings of Jews all over the Earth because the film showed Jews killing Jesus. 
  >I always thought that Jews (a bunch of Jews) killed Jesus (a Jew) was established historical fact. (Unless they are referring to those unconfirmed report from an unnamed source that chose to speak only on the condition of anonymity where he anonymously said that Brazilians killed Jesus.)
  >Also, if anyone has any news articles from after the movie that documents mass killings of Jews anywhere on the Earth, please add them as a comment to this Blog Posting.
• Unnecessarily Violent?...Hollywood makes movie after movie year after year where more bullets are shot at good & bad guys than were expended at the invasion of Normandy and Hollywood thinks the killing of Jesus was “unnecessarily” violent? Wow!
  >Yes it was violent because crucifixion was violent. (Are they saying Mel Gibson should have used a more humane way of killing Jesus than was used to kill Jesus?)
  >Pardon me, Jesus, for this wise-ass comment...I bet Jesus thought often as he was being crucified, “Is this really necessary?”
  >Considering all the Necessary and Unnecessary violence that mankind has perpetrated since Jesus died, one might wonder if his death was necessary but was it worth it or was it worth it but was it necessary? (I told you I was confused in the Subject of this Blog Posting and this last sentence proves it.)

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Hey, Hollywood. Want to avoid any movie that is Controversial? I got an idea. Let’s get Jimma Carter to go take a survey of the entire world. As soon as he comes back with Subject Matter for a movie that everyone on Earth agrees on, you can go into production. Until then, please abstain from making any movies. 

Can Not Coughing Kill You?

Do you remember when Coronavirus or is it? Wuhan Virus or is it? Chinese Flu or is it? Novel Coronavirus or is it? COVID-19 or is it? CCP (Chinese Communist Party) Virus or is it? SARS-CoV-2 Virus or is it? Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome Coronavirus 2 or is it? Coronavirus Disease 2019 Flu Pandemic did not exist?

I think I do remember when The Dire Pandemic did not exist but I’m not sure. I think there is a fairly good chance you think you do remember but you also are not sure.

Be that as it may (whatever that means) I am going to attempt to take you back into my Pre-Pandemic Fuzzy Recollections...

I think I can remember sitting in church and listening to my fellow Catholics Coughing. I had always thought Catholics coughed a lot. I think I remember thinking to myself, “Wow! It never stops! It’s like one continuous cough but it’s not. It is actually a continuous string of separate individual coughs. By golly, it’s a Cacophony of Catholic Coughing!”

************

Sometime around March of 2020 going to Church was declared unlawful. We are now being told that it is not as unlawful as it once was so we have been trickling back and starting to get our knees back in shape. It is strange how your knees will get out of shape if they are not used.

We Catholics are very interested in where we are going to spend eternity. We are fearful that, if we do not go to Mass Every Sunday, we will slide way past the end of God’s Slippery Slope and end up very Unhappy Ever After.

During this Dire Pandemic we have been officially relieved of our Sunday Mass Attendance Requirement. It is amazing how powerful our Rulers are. They remind me of that Italian Security Guard who worked at the Audubon Park Zoo when I was young. At closing time he would walk around shouting over and over, “Everybody get outa!”

He had to shout his instruction many times before we trickled out but our Rulers have such control over us they only had to tell us to Stay Outa Church one time and we obeyed.

************

Let’s get back to the Cacophony of Catholic Coughing...

Upon my recent return to Sunday Mass the thing that struck me about the Cacophony of Catholic Coughing was it was gone. Said another way, the thing that struck my ear was nothing. It was quiet as a Church Mouse in there.

Where did all the coughs go? We all are now afraid to cough. Why are we afraid to cough?

Ø Are we afraid that our fellow worshippers will start Staring at us?

Ø Are we afraid that our fellow worshippers will start Shouting at us?

Ø Are we afraid that our fellow worshippers will start Stoning us?

I don’t think they will start stoning us because I am pretty sure stoning is now against the rules. Just to sure our Pastor had all the stones removed from the parking lot long ago. There are some pebbles laying around out there but even Catholic Pebbles won’t do you much harm.

Fella will now present you with the Fella Question of the Day...

What Happened To All The Coughing?

Ø Were the coughs never necessary in the first place?

Ø Is there still a need to cough but we are stifling them?

Ø Is it even possible to stifle a cough?

Ø Do you just try real hard to think about something else until you forget about the urge/need to cough?

Ø Can you swallow a cough?

Ø If you do swallow a cough, how many can you swallow before you are full up and bad things start to happen to your insides?

Ø At some point will swallowing coughs begin to hurt?

Ø Last but certainly not least, can swallowing coughs kill you?

Some of you already know from a prior communication of mine that I am not only a Practicing Catholic but I continue to struggle with an failing of mine where my mind wanders and have admitted to being a Wandering Catholic because I have trouble paying attention during the Homily.

In the future my Wandering Mind is going to have a really hard time paying attention because by putting together this Blog Posting I committed the above Bullet Points to memory. You can bet I am going to be thinking about these perplexing Bullet Points during future masses.

I am going to be praying for clarification but I am not hopeful God is going to be paying me no never mind because He is going to be busy handling other more worthwhile petitions that are certain to be pouring forth from my Dire Pandemic Plagued Non-Coughing Fellow Parishioners.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: When we were younger the priests would deliver Sermons at us. One day we started hearing the word Homily used and the word Sermon disappeared and we became Confused Practicing Catholics. Eventually we were told that we Catholics did not like to have Sermons deliver at us because we felt when Sermons were being delivered at us we were being talked down to. Some of us still persisted about the word Homily because we still did not know what a Homily was. In Perfect Catholic Clarity we were told that a Homily was a Sermon and, strangely enough, Catholics everywhere felt better. 

This Blog Posting Which Is Way Too Long but It’s Time Well Spent ... Or is it?

This may look like a long Blog Posting but it is really not that long, unless you read...

Ø Fella’s Re-Posted Blog Posting of February 5, 2012 entitled “Earmarks ... Pork by Any Other Name Still Stinks”. (Which I recommend you read.)

Ø And you read Fella’s New Blog Posting entitled, “Congress Gave Pork A New Name But It Stinks Even More Than It Used To Stink When Congress Was Calling It By Its Two Prior Names”. (Which I recommend you read.)

Ø And then you read the link to the Internet Article from February 28, 2021. (Which I recommend you read if you want to get really confused.)

Actually, if I were you, I would not read the Internet Article Link but I’m not you. You may be a seeker of more confusion than I am.

This is the February 5, 2012 Blog Re-Posting promised above...

Earmarks ... Pork by Any Other Name Still Stinks

If I were running for President of the United States, I would be bringing up for discussion Earmarks (a.k.a. Pork Barrel Spending) a heck of a lot more often than they are being talked about during this current campaign.

One of the smokescreens put up by the Porkers is that this may be a lot of money but it may not be a lot of money because it is only a small part of the Overall Total Budget.

Don’t blame me if you can’t understand the prior sentence. You have to be a member of Congress for 6 to 8 years before you can understand such “logic”.

I am going to address the issue of Pork Barrel Spending from two related points of view.

The First Point of View...

It seems to me that those who say the amount of money spent, while big is small, are missing a major point. The real damage of Pork is the fact that Pork allows bad legislation to become law.

If a congressman Dudley Do-Right

sees that a particular piece of legislation sponsored by a congressman Snidely Whiplash

will do great damage to our country but is persuaded to vote for Snidely’s Pork Barrel Project because Dudley is given his own Pork Barrel Project, the end result is Snidely’s bad legislation has been passed.

It is not a fair trade off that Dudley’s Pork is deserving of becoming the law of the land because Snidely’s is not deserving of becoming the law of the land.

Why can’t our Congress pass individual laws based strictly on the merits of each individual law? Instead of a Merit Based Legislation Process we have an entrenched system of Trade-Offs of Bad and Good...

I will give you yours (no matter how good or bad it is) if you give me mine (no matter how good or bad it is).

The Second Point of View...

The Trade-Off of Bad and Good System has been established so long that even the Dudley’s up in congress are defending it as necessary.

I recently heard a member of congress (whom I admire) vehemently defend the Earmark System. To do this he recited a long list of what were to him (and to me) very worthwhile projects. These wonderful laws were undeniably beneficial to our Country. His point was all Pork Does Not Stink As Much As Other Pork Stinks.

Here is what goes through Congressman Snidely’s small mind all the time...

Ø Wow! Congressman Dudley’s legislation is a great piece of legislation!

Ø Dudley will be dying to get his great piece of legislation enacted into law.

Ø My Pork Legislation will never be able to stand on its own merits because it is bad legislation.

Ø I’ll tell Dudley that he can’t have his good legislation unless I get my, bad for the country but good for my re-election, bad legislation.

Ø This is a Win Win for us but not for the Good Ole USofA.

Ø I get re-elected and Dudley gets re-elected.

Ø I don’t want to lose Dudley because it took a long time to train (corrupt) him to think that this Trade-Off of Bad and Good System is the way it has to be.

Ø After all, making laws is like making sausage and everyone knows that the main ingredient in Congressional Sausage is Pork.

It is not uncommon to hear Congressmen Dudley and Snidely make speeches about the need to get rid of Pork. Usually they say that reductions have already taken place but more reductions are necessary. This gives us hope. We take comfort in hope because we have small minds also.

I did some research on my own to find out about recent Total Pork Barrel Spending. It was not easy to find this information but here is what I came up with...

Ø $15,600,000,000 in 2009.

Ø $15,600,000,000 in 2010.

Only a Highly Trained (corrupt) Congressional Thinking Mind would look at the two bullets above and call that a “reduction”. Here’s how they do that....

They look at the 2010 number and say, it could have been more, and therefore, it must be less because it is not more and it would have been more if it had been more.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

This is the New Blog Posting promised above...

Congress Gave Pork a New Name but It Stinks Even More Than It Used To Stink When Congress Was Calling It by Its Two Prior Names

Back in the Bubba Clinton and the Dubya Bush years Congress made a big stink about their Stinking Earmark Program. Somewhere along the way Congress “fixed” it. Attaboy 9% Approval Rated Congress because They Eliminated Earmarks Completely!...Or did they?

Now our highly overrated 9% Approval Rated Congress is flat-dab-out-in-the-open bringing back Pork Barrel Spending f.k.a. Earmarks but they have given it an even Newer New Name! It is now called Community Funding Projects! (If that name was not enough to make you feel the urge to throw up, they also call them Member-Directed Spending.)

It took us years to figure out what Earmarks were. Who among us can be against Communities? Heck Communities R Us! We will never figure this one out.

I hereby declare our 9% Approval Rated Congress the Winner!

I give you one guess who the Losers are.

************

Are you thinking, How Bad Can It Be? Fella is now going to tell you How Bad It Will Be.

Under this new iteration of Pork/Earmarks/Community Funding Projects each member of Congress officially gets the Opportunity to Propose 10 Community Funding Projects!

That’s 10 Official Opportunities to Officially Waste Taxpayer Money!

Do you know how many Representative and Senators we have in our 9% Approval Rated Congress? We have 535 of these Public Servants Serving us.

10 times 535 is...

5,350 Officially Sanctioned Opportunities to Officially Waste Taxpayer Money!

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I tried but could not find out if they get 10 per year or 10 every Congress (2 years). Either way it is A Lot! If it is every year, it is A Lot times 2.

I’m done with this Blog Posting but, if you are glutton for confusion, click below and you can read on and on and on...

THE SWAMP, RELOADED: HOUSE APPROPRIATIONS COMMITTEE CHIEF MAKES RETURN OF EARMARKS OFFICIAL; EVERY CONGRESSMAN GETS 10 

Posted by J.D. Rucker | Feb 27, 2021 | The Liberty Daily

https://clarion.causeaction.com/2021/02/27/the-swamp-reloaded-house-appropriations-committee-chief-makes-return-of-earmarks-official-every-congressman-gets-10/

I Just Love That Word!

The above subject words have been repeated over and over ever since Jacob Dewey of the Legendary Law Firm Dewey, Cheatum and Howe first said them in 1826 right after his Congressman Brother-In-Law had succeeded in having the word “reasonable” inserted into a piece of legislation that the Congress of the United States had just passed into Law. 

Did you just say to yourself, “I don’t get your drift, Fella. Why was that word so important to Lawyer Dewey?”

Ok, I’ll explain. The insertion of this word for the first time into law meant that the lawyers of the Good Ole USofA were going to make untold fortunes from 1826 to today and into the foreseeable future arguing about exactly what was meant by “reasonable”.

Here are a few Bullet Points to make my point...

Ø ... will hereby be entitled to “reasonable” compensation

Ø ... the term of service shall be “reasonable”

Ø ... “reasonable” restrictions with regard to its usage are allowed

Ever since that day Members of Congress day have never passed up an opportunity to insert the word “reasonable” at every opportunity into the laws they pass.

Many Members of Congress are lawyers and they are well aware that, after the 30 or 40 years of their Congressional Life, they are going to go back to their home District or State and again take up the practice of law. They know that these Reasonable Word Insertions are going to make them a hell of a lot of money right up until their dying day.

************

For his Herculean effort back in 1826 Jacob Dewey long ago had a Statue erected in his honor in the Lawyer’s Hall of Fame in Ripoffalot, Maryland.

This statue is one of the most secure edifices in the Good Ole USofA. Back when Statues began being Defaced and Torn Down a few years ago, the Jacob Protection Association was formed.

Many Members of Congress are volunteers in the Jacob Protection Association and have an App on their phones to alert them of any potential Statue Tear Down Scuttlebutt on the Internet. These volunteers stand ready to head to Jacob Dewey’s Statue on a moment’s notice to encircle it and stand guard.

Dianne Feinstein is not a lawyer but, because she knows so much about assault weapons, she is the keeper of the key to the armory where the Jacob Protection Association houses their ample supply of AK-47’s.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella