Y’all Come!

Immigration is all the rage at present. The poor unfortunate souls who were unlucky enough to be born in Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua need to get out of Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua and they have chosen the Good Ole USofA as their preferred choice of where they want to live.

 

A lot of Americans think, since We Have Lots of Room Up Here, and, if they want to live with us, we have an obligation to let them move up here if they want to move up here.

 

I say we ought to not wait for them to decide they want to be our neighbors. I think we ought to send planes down there and bring every one of them up here because, as stated above, We Have Lots of Room Up Here.

 

If we were to decide, after we have them all up here, we don’t like what the Good Ole USofA has turned into, we can just move down there because there will be no one living down there and there will be Lots Of Room Down There.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: I can tell that one of you is questioning my use of “Y’all Come” as the Subject of this Blog Posting. Well, Mr. Picky, are not such phrases as “Y’all Come” used in the South? Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua are further South than our South. You All should know better than to question me.

Looking On The Bright Side In Chicago ... Or Is There A Bright Side In Chicago?

So Far This Year (As Of June 24) At Least 233 Have Been Killed In Chicago by Gunfire

Looking on the Bright Side, hopefully, all those being killed, year after year, in Chicago are all bad guys and in 40 or 50 years they will run out of bad guys...Or are they?...Or will they?

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Every Day Many Of The Folks Back Home Say To Themselves, “Thank Heaven For The Inefficiency Of The Social Security Administration!”

Our crack Social Security Administration has a problem with Over Payments to the Folks Back Home...

Being sly, cunning and alert I asked my Congressman to arrange for me to have a face to face meeting with the SSA Big Guy. I drove to Washington D.C. last Thursday and, as soon as I arrived, I was ushered into the Big Guy’s Spacious Office.

Did I just hear you say to yourself, “Self, the Fella must have a great Congressman!” I am shocked to hear you say that to yourself. Don’t you know that all our Congressmen are ready, willing and able to do whatever we ask of them? If you don’t know this, it can only mean you did not listen to their Campaign Speeches when they last ran for office where they promised that they were was ready, willing and able to do whatever we asked of them. (Sometimes they will even accept a “contribution” so they can continue doing things for us.)

After I saluted, I got right to business by saying to him, “Mr. Big Guy, why don’t you simply put into effect the procedures necessary to Prevent Over Payments in the first place?”

It quickly became apparent why he was the Big Guy when he came right back at me and said, “If we put in place the procedures necessary to prevent that $128.3 Million in over payments, it would cost the taxpayers of the Good Ole USofA $423.7 Million. This means we save our Taxpayers $295.4 Million by not preventing the overpayment of a paltry $128.3 Million. We at the SSA are always looking out for ways to save our Taxpayer’s Money. Simply stated by being Inefficient we are Efficient. We are very proud of our Inadequacies. We strive every day to maintain our efficient record of Inefficiency.”

Who can argue with that?

I was about 80 miles into my drive back home before my head stopped spinning.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: Actually, I did start to argue with the Big Guy but all I got out was “Yea but...” before I was ushered out of his Spacious Office. I was met at the door by my smiling Congressman holding his hand out.

Lagniappe Another: There ought to be a Federal Law against using “paltry” in front of $128.3 Million.

It’s Not What You Say But What You Do That Counts

How many times have you heard politicians say the words you want to hear? Then, when it comes time to do what you heard them say, they do differently from what they said they would do.

 

Here is an extreme example I made up...

What if Abraham Lincoln had said quietly to himself as he freed the slaves in the south (signed the Emancipation Proclamation), “I hate slaves”.

 

What matters is what he did on behalf of slaves not what he thought of slaves.

 

Don’t attack me. I said I made this up.

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Or said another way:

Before this speech Hitler had told his generals to prepare for an attack on Western Europe...

 

Hitler’s Words on October 6, 1939 (he had just conquered Poland):

“As Fuehrer of the German people and Chancellor of the Reich, I can thank God at this moment that he has so wonderfully blessed us in our hard struggle for what is our right, and beg Him that we and all other nations may find the right way, so that not only the German people but all Europe may once more be granted the blessing of peace.”

 

Notice the nice words like: “I can thank God”, “blessed us”, “our right”, “beg Him”, “the right way” and “granted the blessing of peace”.

 

Repeat of first paragraph above:

How many times have we heard politicians say the words we want to hear? Then, when it comes time to do, they do differently from what they said they would do.

 

Would politicians kid u?

It’s more like lying than kidding.

Smartfella

What John McEnroe Does When He Is Not Broadcasting Tennis Matches

Because he is a Patriot, John McEnroe shuttles back and forth between the House and Senate Galleries shouting down at the goings on below, “You cannot be Serious!”

Remember this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0hK1wyrrAU

Meanwhile Congress continues to poke holes in the air about cutting spending, which they really are not serious about.

 

Proof of this contention is evident because the Senate has decided not to take up a $15 billion Spending Rescissions Bill that the House passed recently. Under the Budget and Impoundment Control Act of 1974, Congress can claw back spending with a simple majority vote and in May the Trump White House sent a modest package of such rescissions to Capitol Hill.

 

The White House even tried to make it politically easier to pass by limiting the package to money that isn’t even due to be spent. By law this money was appropriated to be spent for certain specific purposes but Congressional Spenders would rather keep that money available to spend on other things as soon as they find “other things” on which to spend it.

 

Don’t get me started about the inappropriateness of passing laws under the guise of the money being spent for Certain Specific Publicly Approved Purposes and then spending it on Whatever Congress Darn Well Pleases.

 

Congress does this all the time. I have blogged about this chicanery before but have accepted the reality that, if Congress won’t pay attention to John McEnroe shouting at them, they certainly are not going pay attention to me.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe:

More about John McEnroe...

He has been shouting at Congress so long some say the members do not even hear him any longer. John even began to wonder if this was true, so he decided to run a little experiment. One morning at 11:52 he shouted, “Happy hour starts in five minutes!” The chamber cleared out in about 45 seconds. One Senator even received a small contusion over his left eye as he was knocked down by other wide-eyed Senators rushing for the Happy Hour Exit*.

 

* The Happy Hour Exit leads to a series of Human Size Pneumatic Tubes which members can use to be whisked to Happy Hour in a matter of seconds.

Cicero Was Right On. Be Careful If You Also Are Right On.

I have a folder in my computer where I save Blog Idea for use in future efforts to Enrich Your Lives and Entertain You ... Or do they?  At present there are more than 360 potential future blogs residing in this folder. This Blog Posting was created using the oldest file from this folder. The file was dated November 2008.

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As a regular reader of my Blog you, certainly know how right I am on darn near everything. I just had a visit in my computer room from Cicero. He warned me to not be so right so often.

 

Knowing his reputation for eloquence I was at first confused about how difficult he was to understand. He just did not form his words well. Then I remembered why that was. As you read on below you will also understand why he was so Tongue Tied.

 

One of the reasons why I appear to be so smart is, as you already know, is I can see the future.

 

I don’t really know how far I can see into the future but my friend Cicero is hard to beat when it comes to seeing over the horizon. During this visit he repeated one of his forecasts about the Good Ole USofA which he said in 55BC. This means he could see somewhere around 756,645 days into the future. That’s a lot of foreseeing!

 

His quote references Rome, but he is so dead on about what is happening in our country today that you and I know he was talking about both Rome and the United States of America. Here is what he said about Rome and Us...

“The arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome fall.”

Here comes a lie...

As a result of what Cicero said above to his fellow Romans he became the toast of the town. He was praised everywhere he went. When he went into restaurants he never had to pay for his meals because there were always fellow Romans waiting in line to pick up his tab. When he died everyone was sad.

 

Here comes the Truth about what happened to Cicero for speaking the Truth...

Ø He was decapitated by his pursuers.

Ø Once discovered, he bowed to his captors, leaning his head out of his litter in a gladiatorial gesture to ease the task.

Ø By baring his neck and throat to the soldiers, he was indicating that he wouldn't resist.

Ø His hands were cut off and nailed and displayed along with his severed head on the Rostra in the Forum Romanum according to the tradition of Marius and Sulla, both of whom had displayed the heads of their enemies in the Forum.

 

Here is why I had trouble understanding Cicero’s words during his visit with me...

Marcus Antonius’ wife Fulvia took Cicero's head, pulled out his tongue, and jabbed it repeatedly with her hairpin in final revenge against Cicero's power of speech.

 

Since this is the Bottom of this Blog Posting, here is The Bottom Line...

If you must speak the truth, hold onto your head.

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: Cicero was a very precise and proper person. He folded his socks into little balls and arranged them in straight rows in his sock drawer. Even at his death he wanted things to be precise and proper. Cicero's last words were said to have been, "There is nothing proper about what you are doing, soldier, but do try to kill me properly”.

 

I just love words.

One Thing Is For Certain, We Will Never Attempt To Diminish Educational Excellence ... Or Will We? ... Or Are We?

In the Good Ole USofA we have many schools that are High Caliber Educational Institutions and they ought to be admired...Or ought they to be?

Here is what is happening to Educational Excellence in many cities in the Good Ole USofA...

Ø Alarm bells are going off because Asian students were being awarded admittance to Elite Public High Schools at a much higher rate than are other ethnic group applicants.

Ø Entrance Exams are seen as the reason this is happening and this happening is being seen as unacceptable.

Ø In the interest of Diversity attempts are being made to eliminate the Entrance Exams for these schools to ensure that more other ethnic group applicants are admitted.

Ø In fact Asian admissions have fallen in some school districts after admissions standards for Gifted and Talented Programs were changed by broadening the definition of “gifted,” (among other adjustments) and watering down Selection Criteria.

Ø Affirmative Action Advocates contend that academically rigorous schools should be more focused on achieving racial balance and less focused on maintaining high standards.

 

Asians are being blamed for outperforming others. That can’t be...Or can it be?

------------------------

It is now time for Fella to get to work on the Foolishness of all of this Silliness...

 

Interview Question: Why is it that you were able to pass the very stringent entrance exam to get into this High Caliber Educational Institution when so many others failed?

Interview Question Answer: I studied very hard, concentrated on my weaknesses with a view to eliminating them and worked at minimum wage jobs which gave me an understanding of what it was like to try and get through life without a good education. I saw what it was like to be poor and I determined to do everything within my power to see that I made a success of myself.

Interview Questioner Turns from the Interviewee and With His Hand Cupped Beside the Head of the Microphone Says to the Camera: There you have it directly from the mouth of an Accepted Student, proof that he used trickery to move himself ahead of Less Qualified Applicants.

 

What we need more of in the Good Ole USofA is Increased Mediocrity...

Ø We need fewer Brain Surgeons who are able to find their mouths when they eat ice cream cones. We need to open up this important segment of our medical education system to Brain Surgeons who smash ice cream cones into their foreheads more often than not.

Ø We need to start presenting First Place Trophies to those of us that finish last in life’s never ending race.

Ø We need more Astronauts who are too fat to fit through the hatch when it comes time to go fix that key thingie on the outside of the Space Lab.

 

Mottos of the Future: Pick your favorite...

Ø Failure must be made more acceptable!

Ø Poor performance needs to have its negative stigma removed!

Ø People who can’t Cut the Mustard are people too!

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

There Is Something Seriously Wrong With Us!

Quiet! I’m Cramming for Finals—By Watching Someone Else Study

As the school year was ending, many students were watching videos of others students hitting the books.

 

Jamie Lee’s video opens with her (medical student) sitting at her desk, working on a computer and writing in a notebook. In the eighth minute, she pulls her hair up into a ponytail. At 11:20, she adjusts her glasses. She says nothing. She doesn’t leave her seat. She never looks at the camera. This 53 minutes of footage (This is an active link. Click it if you think I am making this Foolishness up) has been watched almost 500,000 times!

 

In a tidy corner of the internet, a diligent class of students film themselves studying and posts the videos online. They solve problem sets, revise worksheets, color-code notes and make flashcards—inviting viewers to “study” with them.

 

Some of the videos last a few minutes and include voice-over narration. Others can last hours with only ambient sound. A 2.5-hour study session (Another active link) by Jamie Lee has been watched 877,000 times. In this one she spends most of her time highlighting in a textbook. Her New York-based online channel, called TheStriveToFit, (Last active link) has 278,000 subscribers, who receive updates when she posts something new. (She publishes a new video Every Saturday at Noon.)

 

What the heck is going on? College students go to college to learn something. What are they learning by watching other students learning?

 

What’s next?...

Ø Watching paint dry?

Ø Watching grass grow?

Ø Watching other people sleep?

 

Well one thing I know for certain. We will never ever sit around and watch people lie to us!

 

Oops! I forgot about CSPAN.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

What Could Be More Fun Than Losing Weight?

There once was a time when Losing Weight was all about Deprivation, Sacrifice and Sweat. You had to Bite the Bullet.

 

Now the diet plans that we see on TV are all shouting at us about...

Ø How easy it is to lose weight.

Ø We hardly have to pay any attention to our efforts to lose weight and we will lose weight.

Ø It’s almost free because they give us vast quantities of their losing weight food at no cost.

Ø We don’t have to count calories.

Ø We don’t have to measure anything.

Ø We don’t have to go to meetings.

Ø We are required to eat lots of food (provided we eat the Diet Plan’s Food).

Ø We can eat up to 6 times a day (provided we eat the Diet Plan’s Food).

Ø If it were not for the fact that we have to sleep some, we could eat more than 6 times a day (provided we eat the Diet Plan’s Food) and lose even more weight.

 

Yesterday I was at the track jogging and that beautiful lady (who used to be fat and used to be a kid and used to sing with her brothers) was on the other side of the fence that surrounds the track shouting at me. She was shouting, “Stop that! Are you seriously thinking that exercise will make you lose weight? Go home and eat my Diet Plan’s Food!”

 

I think she would have jumped the fence (she could not do that when she was fat) and come at me, if it were not for the fact that she was afraid that just being on the track surface would cause her to gain weight.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

 

Lagniappe: The latest fad diet out there is the Floss and Spit Diet. It is really simple. All you do is spit out the food you get from between your teeth from flossing rather than swallowing it.

I apologize for this bit of silliness. I admit I made this one up...Or did I?

I Know You Are Very Sick And I Will Open Your Head Shortly But Right Now I Am Busy Doing A Lot Of Unimportant Things

As many as 1 out of every 3 students at some elite U.S. colleges are now classified as Disabled, largely because of mental-health issues such as depression or anxiety, entitling them to a widening array of special accommodations.

 

The rise in Disability Exemptions for mental-health issues has led to Special Treatment and Exception to Rules such as...

Ø A surge in the number of students who take their exams in low-distraction testing centers.

Ø Are allowed to get up and walk around the classroom during class.

Ø Bring a comfort animal to school.

Ø Allowed longer time to take exams.

 

The number of Disabled Students being given Special Treatment because they are now Classified Disabled is expanding dramatically...

Ø At Hampshire, Amherst and Smith Colleges and Yeshiva University it is 20%.

Ø Pomona is now 22% (up from 5% in 2014).

Ø At Oberlin College it is 25%.

Ø At Marlboro College it is 33%.

 

The most common accommodations come during testing. Students who receive extended time may get twice as long as their classmates to take an exam.

 

A Double-Major Student in Chemistry and Math at Amherst who will graduate this year with a B+ average was given 50% more time than her classmates on exams because she was diagnosed with Reading-Comprehension Difficulties and Attention Deficit Disorder.

 

The University of Minnesota has a Test Center for students entitled to Low-Distraction Environments or Extended Time on Exams...

Ø The Center administered 9,681 tests last year, nearly double the number in 2013.

Ø This growth has forced staff to give up their offices during finals to make room for students.

Ø This past year, the school rented out an additional 10,000 square feet of space in a nearby hotel.

 

The University of Kentucky has a Disability Resource Center that is experiencing a dramatic increase in requests for Private Room Testing...

Ø In 2016-17 it administered 7,827 such tests. This is up from 853 in 2007-08.

Ø A dozen students at a time take finals inside cubicles in a room with carpeted floors and dim lights.

Ø Blue painter’s tape covered door latches so they open and close silently.

Ø Students who are being tested on computers each sit in a private room so the clickety-clack of their keyboards won’t disturb other students.

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Are you ready for my Foolishness? ... Or is it?

A Specially Accommodated during Brain School Brain Surgeon is preparing for a Big Operation on James Carville (the Mouth of the South) but there is a delay...

Ø He has adjusted the lighting from Operating Room Bright Bright down to Soft and Soothing Dim.

Ø He has placed his Blue Painter’s Tape on the Operating Room Door where the latch would be if the door had a latch (he did it just in case there were a latch where there is not a latch).

Ø He has inserted and adjusted his Operating Room Soothing Music Head Phones.

Ø He has done his Operating Room Warm-Up Exercises.

Ø He has placed in perfect position his Cushioned Operating Room Floor Mat.

Ø He has sharpened all his Cutting Thingies on his Ginsu Deluxe Sharpener (as seen on TV).

 

Finally, he asked Mr. Carville to sign an Extension to Normal Time of Operation Form in case he has to take as much as twice as long to perform the operation as would be the case for a Surgeon Who Is Not Accustomed To Extra Time. He explains he learned in Brain School that being rushed is not a good thing.

 

Remember when the Gulf Oil Spill was happening in the Gulf of Mexico? Remember what James Carville shouted to President Obama? You don’t? Let me help you remember...

Click Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lO1lO1CVkTE

 

James Carville has been patiently waiting on the operating room table but he is now about to burst a blood vessel. He shouts at his Adjusting Everything Doctor...“I’m About to Die Down Here!” but his doctor did not hear him because he was too busy adjusting things.

 

Yes, my dear readers, the Ragin Cajun is in deep trouble.

 

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

You Are Gonna Trip And Fall

Some things I don’t understand and that bothers me. At present I am perplexed by Shoe Laces.

 

I see people all the time walking around with their Shoe Laces Untied. I asked the first 192 of these walkers why were their Shoe Laces Untied and every single one of them looked at me like I was stupid and gave me the same answer, “Because It’s Cool”.

 

OK, I understand Cool (or is the Kool?) but it’s a little fuzzy in my mind because I stopped being Cool in 1972. Every time I see one of these Cool Shoe Laces Untied Walking People I think of the danger they are in. My Aunt Sarah told me to tie my shoelaces in 1949 and I never forgot her words of warning to me, “You are gonna trip and fall”.

 

Most of the world never had the good fortune of meeting my Aunt Sarah and, if she were still with us, she would be kept real busy warning people who don’t need to be warned and are not really in danger because the Shoe Makers in the Good Ole USofA today are making sneakers that have decorative cool shoelaces that cannot be tied.

 

This whole bit of lace confusion hit me this morning because I was looking through WSJ. Magazine at an article about Roger Federer. On page 86 is a fashionable picture of him sitting on a chair. I know it is fashionable because WSJ. Magazine told me...

• His Gucci Jacket costs $1,360.
• His Nike Track Pants costs $85.
• His Nike Sneakers costs $90.

Allow me to digress here. I don’t want you to think that I made a typing mistake twice in the above paragraph when I pecked out “WSJ.”. The period after “WSJ” is meant to be there because, for some unknown reason, the Wall Street Journal (that’s where the “WSJ” comes from) wants it to be there.

 

Now that I have digressed my mind has started to wander. I just wandered into the future and I saw where there will come a time where Shoe Laces will be Invisible. The question I am asking myself is, once shoe laces become invisible and the laces are left untied but unseen...

Will the Cool Shoe Laces Untied Walking People still be Cool?

Would I kid u?

Smartfella

Lagniappe: I bet, if Roger had known his Sneakers and Pants were so cheap, he would have refused to sit for WSJ. Magazine.