I Can’t Trick You … Or Can I?

Here I am again posting a Foolishness...Or Is It? about names. Please do read on because I have put a different spin on it this time.

Below is a list of ten Modern American Names. As a side note, I gather such names from the Police Reports or the Sports Pages of my local daily newspaper.

Attention Modern American Parent:

If you use these kinds of names, your offspring will either end up in jail or they will sign a multi-million dollar professional sports contract and they will buy you a house.

Those are the chances you take when you choose (or make up) such names.

Here are the ten names I promised. Five are from the Police Reports or from the Sports Pages and five I made up all by myself. Test your skills. Can you tell which ones are real Modern American Names and which ones are Smartfella Made Up Names? ...

Jadeveon or Brundae or Dunchein or Joylinda or Ke$ha or

Lupeleon or Manjit or Doruchia or Shekinna or Monnussia

Do not look at the answer until you have tried to figure them out on your own.

I tried to get the Jeopardy Thinking Tune for you to click on here but the download failed.

Just imagine Alex Trebek humming it to you for a bit and then look at the next paragraph to see which were real names and which ones I made up.

Was not easy was it? The answer is: Every other name, starting with the second name, are the five names I made up.

Go back up and look them over again. I would be willing to bet that you would have been willing to bet I had made up the one with the Dollar Sign in it.

I did not list my favorite name... Tai-ler. It is my favorite because I saw little Tai-ler’s mother interviewed on TV. The interviewer was having trouble with the little fellow’s name so he asked mama how to pronounce it. Mama seemed to get miffed at the interviewer’s ignorance and responded, “The dash is silent!”

Would I kid u?

The Polight (Part 2)

The word “Polight” is derived from a combination of “Politician” & “Light”.

Almost 4 years ago I posted the first Foolishness...Or Is It? about the Polight. Today I have revised it because of the current Presidential Election.

There ought to be a law requiring a red light be surgically implanted on the top of the head of any candidate running for President. The light would function as follow...

• If the candidate were speaking a lie, the light would turn on.
• If the candidate were making a proposal that was physically impossible to actually be implemented, the light would turn on. For Example: “My fellow Americans, today I am proposing that all B52’s that I send to drop nuclear bombs on anyone anywhere have a gear or a gadget or a doohickey installed that will allow the pilot to be able to stop forward flight and reverse direction within 25 feet, just in case I change my mind.”

Because of some politician's propensity to lie unceasingly or make statements on subjects about which they have no knowledge, the Polight would have to be rigged so that it would blink every 20 seconds. If this were not the case and the light stayed on all the time, voters might begin to think the Polight was broken. Then where would we be?

I can hear you out there saying to yourselves, that this is Foolishness. However, can you picture in your mind’s eye how wonderful it would be if only this Foolish device really existed?

Would I kid u?

Proof That Many Of Us Are Nuts...Part 1

I have commented in the past about our seemingly unquenchable thirst for anything Celebrity. Those attention grabbing magazine headlines in our Wal-Mart checkout lines make sure those magazines keep flying off the rack, into our shopping carts and right into our hearts... 

• A Celeb got fat or a Celeb got shinny.
• A certain Celeb has been seen with another certain Celeb.
• Celebs signing Divorce Papers at the same time that they sign their Marriage Licenses. This prevents them having to go back into court in case they have something important to do (like go skiing) when it comes time for the divorce.

I am always going to be fascinated by our society’s Celebrity Fascination. There is, however, a much more unsettling phenomenon of which I have started taking notice and that is Evil People Fascination.

Recently an auction was conducted to dispose of the personal belongings of Ted Kaczynski the infamous Unabomber. This awful person set off 16 explosions, killed 3 people and wounded 23 other people.

In total 58 items were sold for $232,246. Some of the items were...

• Personal Journals sold for $40,676
• His Typewriter sold for $22,003
• His Hooded Sweatshirt and Sunglasses (a set) sold for $20,025
• A Handwritten Copy of his Anti-Corporate Manifesto sold for $20,053
• Other items sold included Kaczynski's medical and mental health records, various articles of clothing, his academic records, his Michigan diploma, correspondence to and from family members and his bank and tax records.

I am at a loss to understand why would any one of us want to display ole Ted’s belongings on our fireplace mantel?

Smartfella Predicting the Future...

The person who bought his Flip-Flops is having them reproduced in China and in a few weeks they are going to start being sold in retail establishments all over this country.

If the Chinese can get these imitation Flip Flops to smell like his real Flip Flops smelled, this is going to be a really Big Seller.

And last, but not least, if they can get Kaczynski to sign his own death certificate after he dies, there is no telling how much that piece of paper will be worth.

Would I kid u?

Making News Neat & Tidy Is Hard Work

Have you ever noticed how often huge numbers reported by the News Media are exactly exact? It is not uncommon to see these kinds of numbers in news reports...

• It has been reported that attacks by security forces have killed 2,300 demonstrators.
• There have been 211,600 patients stricken with this dire debilitating abnormality in the last 3 years.
• Paying for this mortgage assistance program has cost the taxpayers $2,767,600,000 since it was approved by Congress 4 years ago.

The above exactly exact figures are strange enough but recent reports have brought to light unsettling information about how the News Media just might have complete control over the numbers they report in their stories.

It is even more baffling when there is More Than One Exactly Exact Number in a single story...

Since the uprising commenced 8 months ago, 17,600 demonstrators have been killed, 63,700 have been injured and 8,200 have been reported missing.

My sources tell me, speaking on the condition of anonymity because there is no way the anonymously speaking people can know what the heck they are talking about, the News Media keeps in constant contact with the people who are making the story the story and are actively involved in orchestrating Story Numerical Configurations.

Tweets are constantly going back and forth between the News Media and the Story People to make sure story numbers are Neat & Tidy. Below is a series of Tweets my Twit Interceptor captured involving a recent big time news story...

• Ok, we have reached a good stopping number for the Killings. Hold up on any more Killings for now.
• We are getting close to a good stopping point for an Injured number. Thanks for your attention to detail in making some of the protestors injured instead of making them dead.
• We are, however, quite a ways from an acceptable Missing People number. Could you please crank it up a bit regarding the quantity you are causing to go Missing? We are anxious to publish this story and your slow progress in this area is starting to annoy some of our staff.

Actually the Smartfella has a lot of admiration for our New Media regarding their efforts to keep the news Neat & Tidy. He has always been a very persnickety person. Neat & Tidy is a big part of who he is.

Would I kid u?

Don’t Take Me There!

I am more observant than most people. I see things other people don’t see. Sometimes I think it is a curse. Other times I think it is a wonderful thing. This time I think it just might save my life. If you heed what I am about to convey to you, it may save your life too.

EMT stands for “Emergency Medical Technicians”. Some think it means “Emergency Medical Transport”. Either one conveys to all of us the same thing. If you call 911, these emergency people are going to come in their emergency vehicle and haul you off to a hospital where you are supposedly going to be made all better.

That’s where my powers of observation kick in. Have you ever noticed how many times your newspaper story reads...

Patient was pronounced dead shortly after arrival in the hospital.

There is the problem! The hospitals are killing us!

As usual I have a solution...

Why not just take the patient to the nearest Starbucks and get him a cup of coffee?

I can read your mind. You are worried about the expense of all these cups of coffee. Worst yet you are expecting the usual expense explosion of such Well-Meaning Programs when patients start asking for Lattes or Cappuccinos.

Don’t worry about running out of Starbucks Bucks because our Federal Government has invented China.

Would I kid u?

Guaranteed To Be Silvact Free

In America today we are worried about lots of things attacking us. One of our new fears has gotten to be one of our biggest fears.

We Are All Afraid Of Gluten

We lie awake at night hoping that the Gluten that is already in us will not clog something up, make our hearts attack us, stop something from functioning properly or start something like pimples functioning that ought to be lying dormant.

Millions of Americans are now feeling comfortable with themselves because they are on a Gluten Free Diet.

Research has also shown that 87.4% of the millions of Gluten Free Dieting Americans do not know what Gluten is.

I wonder how much frenzy could be created if someone with a morbid sense of humor made up a mysterious word that sounded like something Americans ought to be worried about and spread fear about all the evils it can do to the human body.

This type of information dissemination is one of the great “benefits” of the Internet

A word like Silvact ought to do the trick. Who in the heck wants to get all clogged up with Silvact?

Actually it would not be a lie to advertise that your product is Silvact Free because your product is Silvact Free.

Back To Gluten...

The real shock to Glutenless Americans is going to be when National Enquirer reveals that “Gluten Free” does not mean there is no Gluten in there. It only means they just do not charge you for the Gluten that is in there.

Would I kid u?

That’s Progress ... Or Is It?

When I was young it was often said, “Times are a changing”. I have not heard that phrase in quite awhile. I am not sure why I have not heard it because it is as true now as it was then.

The Smartfella usually gives three examples of whatever to “prove” his Foolishness and he is about to do it again....

First Proof...

A few years back I was watching TV and a commercial about subscribing to the New York Times caught my attention. I am not saying that the NYT is evil because of their commercial but it certainly was a sign of the times.

The scene was set in a beautiful young couple’s living room (yes the male and the female were both beautiful). The dialog did not go like this...

“It’s Sunday Morning. We are just back from Sunday Church Services. It’s at times like this we just love lounging around reading the New York Times.”

Instead the commercial went like this...

“It’s Sunday Morning and we have nothing to do but lounge around reading the New York Times.”

Ah yes, the beautiful couple were not of the sort that went to church. In this case, the Times was a Sign of the Times.

Second Proof...

I was listening on my car radio to a very intelligent sounding lady talking about herself and her life. At one point she said, “My Partner”. The Talk Show Host picked up on this and said she had sounded like a married person from other things that she had said. She responded that she was married but she and her husband had decided not to refer to each other as “Husband and Wife”. They felt that they were more comfortable with, “Partner”.

Shows how old fashioned I am. I kind of like, Husband and Wife.

Third Proof...

There was a time, not so long ago, when American Families made it a point to gather each night for supper. This was a time when we got to know each other and shared what was going on in our lives.

This was when a father got the opportunity to ask, “What did you learn in school today?” Not having supper each night may be a blessing in disguise for our modern day fathers. Ole dad might get indigestion if he were told by his children that they had learned multicultural dancing, so much about sex that he might find himself hiding his face behind his pizza slice or statistics about the number of Canadians coming across our Mexican border (wherever that is).

We don’t have to worry about dinner conversations in Memphis. The schools in Memphis have started serving supper in school. The Family Dinner is dead in Memphis. I just hope the Family is not dying along with it.

I am sure glad I make it a practice to only give three examples in my blog postings because I am getting depressed. 😞

Would I kid u?

Easiest Thing I Will Ever Do

(Modified & Reposted 2/9/12)

I spend a lot of time in a health club trying to keep my heart from attacking me. So far it is working but it’s not easy. As I always say...

Staying Healthy Is Enough To Kill You

Today there is a new threat to my health from inside my Health Club. It is the Rock Music that the owners of the facility must think is an essential element of staying healthy because it is always there, it is always loud and it is always awful.

The other day in the midst of this musical assault, as my head was about to explode, I got a brainstorm about how I am going to spend my declining years ... I Am Going to Write Rock Music.

Why am I going to undertake such a difficult task, you ask? That’s just my point. It Is Not A Difficult Task. It is actually going to be one of the easiest things I have ever done...

• First I write five or six words of the lyrics like, “Ohhh baby you got great teeth”.
• Then I write about seven musical notes to sing the lyrics to.
• Then for two minutes the song repeats my five or six words in tune with my about seven musical notes ... Over and Over and Over and Over.

There you have it. Another modern-day Smash Hit Rock Tune that is sure to be a big money maker.

I did leave out one thing. Actually it is the most important thing ... My rocking tune is sung VERY LOUD! In the world of Rock Music, LOUD is more important than the Five or Six Words or the Seven Musical Notes or the Over and Over.

One thing I will make sure I will not do. I will not make the sound as loud as a TV Commercial. That would be Beyond the Pale (whatever that is).

As Ed McMahon used to say to Johnny Carson, “How bad is it?” I’ll tell you how bad it is. I told the manager of my health club that, if I die and go to heaven and they announce upon my arrival that they will be playing loud rock music for all eternity, I am going to ask for a transfer.

Would I kid u?

Word Shortage Dramatically Slowing Down Talking Heads

Please note the Gadget on the left called “Share it”. If you are entertained by this Foolishness (or one in the future), use “Share it” to tell your friends or enemies about it on FaceBook or Twitter.

One of the biggest benefits of being a faithful reader of Foolishness...Or Is It? is that it trains you become more observant about what is happening around you.

Those of you who are regular readers are well aware of the specifics of what I have selected to be the subject of this blog posting. They rest of you could hone your observation skills by spending your day going back and reading old postings. Those that do go back and read old postings have a delightful day ahead of them because humor never goes out of style.

It is a Law of Nature that only so many words can be spoken in a day.

Current momentous events have created an extreme increase in spoken words. The Arab Spring, the GOP Primary Campaigns, the upcoming Presidential Campaign and the Super Bowl have been using up our daily Word Quota so fast that many of our Talking Heads on TV have been forced to slow down.

During the run up to Super Bowl Sunday this unsettling word shortage became apparent when several Sporty Talking Heads began having difficulty getting words to actually come out of their mouths. The time between word eruptions had lengthened to as much as 5 to 7 seconds. In one case a Sporty Talking Head could not utter a single word for 27 seconds. The look on his face during this episode was painful to behold.

Not only is the actual total volume of words affected by this law of nature but certain individual words are being driven into extreme short supply like...

• Nuclear...Researchers have reported that nuclear is the seventh word spoken in every sentence about Iran.
• Lindsay and Lohan...One TV Station’s CEO said he was not going to go to commercials if Lindsey or Lohan had been spoken within the last 30 minutes. His station’s advertising revenue fell 98% and he was fired.
• Eli and Manning...These are going to be with us for a long time to come.

There were some words which saw a meteoric rise only to fall into oblivion just as fast as they shot up...

• Herman and Cain...Here is proof that, if you want to run for President, don’t make the mistake of telling anyone anything about where you worked before you ran for President.

There are words I wish would disappear forever...

• Gloria and Allred...The good news about her is she only enjoys 15 minutes of fame every 18 months. The bad news is 18 months comes around every 18 months.

Trust me on this one, it may seem like an eternity but one day the Presidential Campaign will be over. Once it is history we will all have 27 days of peace and quiet before the 2016 Campaign starts up.

Would I kid u?

Earmarks ... Pork by Any Other Name Still Stinks

If I were running for President of the United States, I would be bringing up for discussion Earmarks (a.k.a. Pork Barrel Spending) a heck of a lot more often than they are being talked about during this current campaign.

One of the smokescreens put up by the Porkers is that they may be a lot of money but they are not a lot of money because they are a small part of the total budget. Don’t blame me if you can’t understand the prior sentence. You have to be a member of Congress for 6 to 8 years before you can understand such “logic”.

I am going to address the issue of Pork Barrel Spending from two related points of view.

First...

It seems to me that those who say that the amount of money spent, while big, is small are missing a major point. The real damage of Pork is the fact that Pork allows bad legislation to become law.

If a congressman Dudley Do-Right sees that a particular piece of legislation sponsored by congressman Snidely Whiplash will do great damage to our country but is persuaded to vote for Snidely’s Pork Barrel Project because he is given his own Pork Barrel Project, the end result is bad legislation has been passed. It is not a fair trade off that Dudley’s Pork is deserving of becoming the law of the land.

Why can’t our Congress pass individual laws based strictly on the merits of each individual law? Instead of Merit Based Legislation we have an entrenched system of Trade-Offs...

I’ll give you yours (no matter how good or bad it is) if you give me mine (no matter how good or bad it is).

Second...

The Trade-Off System has been established so long that even the Dudley’s up in congress are defending it as necessary.

I recently heard a member of congress (whom I admire) vehemently defend the Earmark System. To do this he recited a long list of what were to him and to me very worthwhile projects. These wonderful laws were undeniably beneficial to our Country. His point was all Pork does not stink. He was saying that some Pork smells a lot like a Shakespearean Rose.

Here is what goes through Congressman Snidely’s small mind all the time...

• Wow! That is a great piece of legislation!
• Congressman Dudley will be dying to get his great piece of legislation enacted into law.
• My Pork Legislation will never be able to stand on its own because it is bad legislation.
• I’ll tell Dudley that he can’t have his good legislation unless I get my, bad for the country but good for my re-election, bad legislation.
• This is a Win Win.
• I get re-elected and Dudley gets re-elected.
• I don’t want to lose Dudley because it took a long time to train* him to think that this Trade-Offs System is the way it has to be.

You have probably heard that making laws is like making sausage. It looks to me like the main ingredient in Congressional Sausage is Pork.

It is not uncommon to hear Congressmen Dudley and Snidely make speeches about the need to get rid of Pork. Usually they say that reductions have already taken place but more reductions are necessary. This gives us hope. We take comfort in hope. We have small minds also.

I did some research on my own to find out about recent total Pork Barrel Spending. It was not easy to find this information but here is what I came up with...

• $15,600,000,000 in 2009.
• $15,600,000,000 in 2010.

Only a highly trained* Congressional Thinking Mind would look at the two bullets above and call that a “reduction”. Here’s how they do that....

They look at the 2010 number and say, it could have been more, and therefore, it must be less because it is not more and it would have been more if it had been more.

Would I kid u?

* Congressional Dictionary...”Train” means “Corrupt”.

What’s Good For The Minions Is Good For The Congress ... Or Is It?

If writing this blog were a job, it would be hard work but, since it is not, it is not.

Now that you have given up trying to understand the above opening sentence, we can move along with some Serious Foolishness.

The Smartfella finds it interesting that our 9% Approval Rating Congress is presently all involved with banning Insider Trading for Members of Congress.

There you go again thinking I am being silly. You are asking yourself, why would Congress have to spend time declaring something that is illegal for the rest of us to also be illegal for them?

I just checked out a web site (http://www.sec.gov/answers/insider.htm) at the Securities and Exchange Commission to find out which categories of people have had Insider Trading actions taken against them by the SEC...

• Corporate officers, directors, and employees who traded the corporation's securities after learning of significant, confidential corporate developments.
• Friends, business associates, family members, and other "tippees" of such officers, directors, and employees, who traded the securities after receiving such information.
• Employees of law, banking, brokerage and printing firms who were given such information to provide services to the corporation whose securities they traded.
• Government employees who learned of such information because of their employment by the government.
• Other persons who misappropriated, and took advantage of, confidential information from their employers.

Now it is time to see how observant you are, my dear reader. Did you take note that the fourth bullet above says “Government employees”? I thought Members of Congress were government employees.

I think I may have just violated one on the cardinal rules of blogging which directs us to not be too cynical.

We all know that many of our laws do not apply to Members of Congress. Just yesterday on CSPAN I saw three opponents of three bills that were directed at curtailing congressional powers make the following points...

• Mr. Speaker, I ask you, what’s next? Are we going to be asked to stop taking bribes?
• I rise in opposition to the proposed amendment which would prohibit Members of Congress from speeding through School Zones. We are more important than most people and we are always hurrying to important meetings with other important people like ourselves.
• I gave up a lot when I consented to become a servant of the people. One of the most enjoyable things I gave up back home was Skeet Shooting. I could not believe my eyes when I saw the provision hidden way down in this legislation which would prohibit me from Skeet Shooting on the lawn beside the Washington Monument just because some people have been getting shot. A lot of these bleeders are actually tourist. My heavens they don’t even live in Washington D.C.!

Sometimes I think I get carried away with my Foolishness Examples. I am glad this is not one of those times.

Would I kid u?

We Ought To Be Fair About This

Here is the situation...

• In Montana there is a large statue of Jesus on public land at a ski resort.
• The statue has been there for 57 years.
• The U.S. Forest Service had announced that the statue was going to be removed after being petitioned for removal by The Freedom From Religion Foundation.
• This removal edict was met with 90,000 comments from those wanting the statue to remain.
• The Forest Service has now said it will renew the statue’s permit for another 10 years saying the statue “is important to the community for its historical heritage”.
• The Freedom From Religion Foundation is now really upset.

The Smartfella is nothing if he is not a compromiser. I think I am safe in assuming that the The Freedom From Religion Foundation people are Atheists and I have a brilliant solution for this thorny issue...

• The U.S. Forest Service ought to construct a statue foundation of equal size and weight to the one on which Jesus has stood for 57 years.
• This statue foundation ought to be placed right next to the Jesus statue.
• On this statue foundation ought to be Nothing.

That’s my solution. One monument to God for the Religious and one to Nothing for the Atheist.
I told you this was going to be a brilliant solution. I do not see how anyone could argue with this compromise plan ... Or could they?
On the other hand, they might accuse me of being a Smart Fella or a Wise Guy or even a Smart Alex.
Would I kid u?